PLAY BALL!

Welcome back to baseball, welcome back to "Bitterness"! After today, every Major League Baseball will have played their first game of 2012, barring inclement weather or any sort of natural disaster, I suppose. But you're catchin' what I am throwin', right? Baseball is back and I'm as giddy as a school girl! And as everyone knows there ain't nobody giddier than a gosh darned school girl! Now, I have some bold predictions and burning questions for this upcoming MLB season, which will come in a somewhat later post, coming to an internet near you next week. For today, I've got some early season observations to kick this season off with a "Boom!... goes the dynamite!" And yes, I will continue to beat the phrase, "Boom!.. goes the dynamite" right into the ground, but don't you worry, I'll certainly be tossing even more inane (it's pronounced insane) catchphrases that are sure to be shared around the water cooler at the office. But enough of this argle bargle, on with the show, as it were!

• Are people really raving about the new Marlins stadium/park? With that pinata or whatever it is beyond the centerfield wall? Here's a text exchange I had with a couple of friends of the blog on Wednesday night regarding this, for lack of a better word, stadium:
  

"The green walls in the Marlins Stadium look rather ridiculous."

"Their unis, the walls and that monstrosity over the outfield fence all look ridiculous."

"They're supposed to be a baseball team for christ sake not a gay (not that there's anything wrong with that) off-Broadway cabaret. Have some respect for yourselves!!"

"Bobblehead museum's sorta cool."

"It's a ballpark, not a campy (not that there's anything wrong with that) Mexican (or that) B-movie."

"I like it, what else you got?"

"It's a baseball stadium, not Mexican Liberace!"

"It's a baseball stadium, not a Nacho Libre costume!"

"It's a baseball stadium, not a Spanish talk show! At least not without Bumblebee man!"

"It's a baseball stadium, not a production of Jose and el dreamcoat l'amazicano!"

"Ha! We have a winner!!"

Now, if I've offended anyone, let me just say "Bitterness" has great respect for both Mexican and Spanish cultures and were only pulling from the colorful (see what I did there?) traditions of both. The intent here is not to offend. You will know full well, when we are trying to offend you and your culture and beliefs. It will usually start with me saying, "no offense". Speaking of "no offense"....

• Where were the bats on Real Opening Day? Pitchers dominated! Of the 14 teams in action, only 4 plated more than 3 runs and...
  
• Every game Thursday was decided by three runs or less!
• Jack "someone's bucking for a promotion, probably the pederast" Hannahan (this reference is funnier and less offensive and weird if, like a normal human being, you've memorized every line of Fletch) is atop the Home Run leader board in the AL.
  
• Hannahan, with a select few is now on pace to hit 162 home runs. That'd be a record.
• I pretty much predicted Valverde and Chris Perez's blown saves.
• Valverde is highly overrated and I was never confident last year when he would come into a game. That being said, he may only blow a couple more saves and everyone will be singing his praises again.
  
• Saves are dumb.
• Miguel Cabrera is on pace to commit 162 errors this season. That'd also be a record. The downgraded defense for the Tigers will see a slight uppage in ERA and WHIP for their picthers, if you care about that sort of thing.
• The Alfredo Aceves experiment is off to roaring start! It's one game, I know, but that's why writing this whole post is so much fun. Aceves is not great closer material. I'm sure the Sox could get Rich "El Guapo" Garces back and he'd probably be more effective.
  But seriously, the Sox bullpen? Not exactly confidence inspiring.
• Also, if you had Spring Training in your "Andrew Bailey's first stint to the DL" pool, you are a lucky duck!
• Rangers rotation is getting a ton of hype, but unless Darvish is utterly dominant, their pitching is above average at best. Although, no idea what Feliz will do in the rotation. All I'm saying is anyone not picking the Angels to take the AL West, is nuts! This of course is barring major injuries....The Angles four starter was the Rangers ace last year, for crying out loud!
• Zack Cozart...know him, love him.
• One of the most underrated players in baseball has to be Ben Zobrist. Blind comparison of two keystoners over the past three seasons (from MLB network via my buddy Jables)
  

PLAYER A- .377 OBP, .467 SLG, 243 average total bases.

PLAYER B- .367 OBP, .453 SLG, 246 average total bases.

Player A gets a slight nod, but these are pretty comparable, especially in Fantasy Baseball circles. Player A is Dustin Pedroia and Player B is Zorilla.

• Jay Bruce can outright mash! Reds should win their division with relative ease if they stay healthy.
• Kerry Wood, came in to hold a lead for the Cubs on Thursday....proceeding to walk 3 straight batters, the last with the bases loaded. Oh yeah, he was 0-2 on all 3 hitters.
  
• Dale Sveum will fit in nicely as Cubs manager...sending a guy (Ian Stewart to be exact) from third, on contact, with less than 2 outs, down one run late...leading of course to a ground out and Stewart being cut down at the plate by roughly 75 feet, thusly ending a Cubs rally. Classic Cubs. Sveum as it ever was at Wrigley.
  
• Luckily the Jays pulled out a win, but can't imagine John Farrell was too happy with Rajai Davis not running out a bunt in extra innings leading to a double play, which more or less killed the rally.
• Tough breaks for Justin Masterson, who had the most opening day Ks for an Indians starter in 4 decades), Justin Verlander and Justin, er, I mean, Ryan Dempster.
• Jamie Moyer will start this weekend at age 49. He is pitching against the Astros. The oldest player on the Astros roster is Carlos Lee. He's 35, making him the only Astro that was older than 7 when Moyer pitched in his first game.
• If you are in a deep or NL-only fantasy league, pick up Erik Bedard and ride his decentness till his inevitable trip to the DL. I was thinking this before his first start, in case you were curious.
  
• Same for Bartolo Colon, except switch NL-only to AL-only. But if you needed me to tell you that, then I really don't think I can help you.
• David Freese is wildly overrated.
• Still waiting for that Marlins offense to show up.
• Lance Lynn....remember that name. Next Mike Morgan!
• Not sure if this contributed to the lack of runs on Opening Day, but a lot of home plate umpires seemed to have wide strike zone.
• Eric Thames looks like he belongs in the Majors....circa the 1970s early 80s...

Alright, well that's all I got for you today...but in upcoming "Bitterness" posts I'll delve into advanced stats, praise Mark Grace, make bold predictions, talk up Ben Zobrist, berate Jose Valverde, talk about beers, give you fantasy advice and give you random baseball facts! But for now, my new favorite commercial because, well, just watch....

WEEK 7:

BEARS VS BUCCANEERS (+1) (IN LONDON, ENGLAND): Those blimey Brits are in for a real treat, as we send them Jay Cutler. That should put a quick end to that whole "Ugly Americans" thing! To me the game is kind of cool, but why not try and move it around? Maybe to more old homes of World League of American Football teams? Frankfurt, Barcelona maybe even the rebooted WLAFers in Rhein and Amsterdam? Who wouldn't want to see a skirmish in Frankfurt's gorgeous Waldstadion? Come on! Do it for WLAF superstar Kerwin Bell! BEARS 27-20

REDSKINS @ PANTHERS (-2.5): Point of order, Peter King and the rest of the talking heads, Kurt Coleman did not single-handedly save (possibly) the Eagles season. I think Rex Grossman deserves more credit than he is getting for the Eagles "big" win on Sunday. He was riverboat gamblin', like only a professional riverboat gambler, could riverboat gamble! Riverboat gambler! John Beck was most assuredly adequate in taking over for Sexy Rexy on Sunday, but if I'm a Redksins fan, I'm not super confident in either QB leading them anywhere but to the land of mediocrity. PANTHERS 21-17

CHARGERS @ JETS (+2): Unsexy Rexy got his team back on track a little, by beating the Dolphins, and while the Dolphins are pretty much crud personified, a win is a win. But if the Jets wannna be contenders, they have to be concerned that the 3 teams they beat have a combined record of 3-13, while the team they've lost to are 13-3. Sadly, looking at the Jets schedule from here, I'm not sure this is a must win for the Jets. It would be a big one heading into the bye week, but after the bye, aside from 2 games against Buffalo and one against the Patriots, they have it fairly easy- Broncos, Chiefs, Redskins, Dolphins, Eagles Giants. Now the NFC East teams are inconsistent so you don't know what you're gettin', but as of right now, the Jets could get to 9-7 without beating a winning team. CHARGERS 28-20

SEAHAWKS @ BROWNS (-3): The Niners should be watching this closely as a Seahawks loss puts the Niners magic number at 8! Yes the NFC west is bad. As Frank Caliendo, as George W. Bush, said, " Leading the NFC West is like being the most famous Menefee." I keep waiting for Colt McCoy to go off or for Peyton Hills to help my gosh darned fantasy team by doing ANYTHING! But, alas, neither has quite happened yet. Could this be the week? Probably not, but I like the Brownies over the Hawks, regardless. BROWNS 24-16

TEXANS @ TITANS (-3): Pretty big game in the AFC South, what with the Colts and Jaguars being more or less non-entities this year. A rested and refreshed Matt Hasselbeck against the Mario Williams-less Texans. This could probably go either way, but I am going for the rested Titans. TITANS 25-21

BRONCOS @ DOLPHINS (-1.5): Well, this should be, hands down, the "game I could not care less about" for week seven. But Tim Tebow is playing! I mean did the odds makers completely forget this when making the spread? The spread should be the Broncos by 57! Tim Tebow, walks on water! Tim Tebow can eat just one potato chip! Tim Tebow is the cure for Bieber Fever! Tim Tebow throws footballs through brick walls....with his non-throwing hand! It takes Tim Tebow 30 seconds to make Minute Rice! But seriously, he's wildly overrated and I am glad the media has kept this story in check and not blown it out of all sorts of proportions. BRONCOS 87-3

FALCONS @ LIONS (-3.5): The Falcons continue to disappoint me, but were able to put the Panthers away last week. The Lions were handed their first loss, but I still think they're the real deal. Besides the Falcons have not won two games in a row yet this season! LIONS 31-27

CHIEFS @ RAIDERS (-4.5): Well if the Radiers are for real or not, will not be proven this week against the lowly Chiefs. Even with Hesiman running the offense (that reference is for the die hard "Bitterness" fans). And is it just me or does it seem like a really long time ago that KC won the AFC West? Apparently it was just last season? RAIDERS 35-20

STEELERS @ CARDINALS (+3.5): Just one of two, yes TWO, games between teams that have met each other in a Super Bowl. And they both figure to be equally un-compelling games. This is not of those games where I give the Cards no chance because I am somehow under the delusion the Steelers are ridiculously great. No, no. I give the Cards no chance cause they're terrible. STEELERS 24-17


RAMS @ COWBOYS (-12): This one slides right into this week's, "Game I Could Not Care Less About" spot. COWBOYS 42-12

PACKERS @ VIKINGS (-9): Easy first game for Christian Ponder against the undefeated, defending Super Bowl champs. Good luck with all of that. PACKERS 27-14

COLTS @ SAINTS (-14): Super Bowl, um, something or other, rematch looked great before Peyton Manning went under the knife. Saints should downright cruise, not sure why they wouldn't. But I still stay away from a spread this big. SAINTS 28-17

RAVENS @ JAGUARS (+7.5): Really? Someone actually thought the Jaguars deserved a Monday night game? At home? This is shaping up to be one of the worst years for Monday Night Football that I can remember. RAVENS 31-13

Next week, extra cheese!

WEEK SIX: GAME OF KITNAS

RAMS @ PACKERS (-15): The Rams have been less than impressive for the most part and the Packers are pretty darned good. The Packers have to be the front runners for the NFC crown at this point and I don't foresee their first loss coming this week. PACKERS 31-17

JAGUARS @ STEELERS (-12): Much to my surprise the Steelers trounced the Titans last week. I'm pretty entertained by the fact that when the Steelers lose they're too old, and when they win they're not too old at all. Well, I still think they're getting old and are overrated, but the Jaguars are rated just right and that bodes well for the Steelers. STEELERS 21-13

EAGLES @ REDSKINS (+1.5): Panic time in Philly! I repeat, time to PANIC, Eagles! Another must win for the Eagles here against the Skins in our nation's capital. It appears the Eagles are just overrated. Vick is good though and at some point you gotta figure the Eagles will turn it on and string some wins together. My bet? It starts this week. EAGLES 27-17

49ERS @ LIONS (-4): A battle between two of the early season upstarts. The Niners are fairly good, but I feel like the Lions are much more legit. The Niners defense will certainly have their work cut out for them, as they try and contain Megatron, who is well on his way to setting the single season receiving touchdowns record. LIONS 23-14

PANTHERS @ FALCONS (-4): I continue to try aNd have faith in the Falcons, but there's just something about them that screams mediocrity. This is why this is my upset special this week. I mean Figgy can really toss the pigskin and the Panthers are bound to get some big wins eventually, so why not this week? PANTHERS 27-21

COLTS @ BENGALS (-7): Not much faith in Curtis Painter I guess, huh? Kind of feels like Peyton Manning should be the MVP for not playing. I mean, look at how valuable he was to the Colts! Well Curtis Painter is no Peyton Manning and Andy Dalton is no Akili Smith! The Bengals are not gawd awful and I don't think the Colts are as gawd awful as most people think. Hope that clears things up. BENGALS 24-21

BILLS @ GIANTS (-3): Ah, a rematch of an umentionable game to Buffaloians. Buffaloans? Buffaloers? Ah well, that game is far in the past (yet never forgotten). Giants lost gloriously last week, when their bold strategy to not cover a Seahawks receiver backfired late in the game. Meanwhile the Bills got right back on track with a win against Philly and are looking solid. BILLS 23-17

TEXANS @ RAVENS (-7.5): The Texans fell short against the Raiders last week and lost Mario Williams....not good times in Houston. The Ravens are for reals, me thinks and they will beat up on dem reelin' Texans. RAVENS 24-14

BROWNS @ RAIDERS (-6.5): Well my 0-5 fantasy team is riding on McCoy and Hillis this week to get us in the "W" column. McCoy and Hillis sounds like it would be a cool cowboy show. Or perhaps a buddy cop show set in Texas or Wyoming. RAIDERS 28-24

COWBOYS @ PATRIOTS (-7): Patriots added a consistent running game against the Jets last week and if they keep that up it could be Bad News Bears, Walter Matthau for the rest of the league. The Cowboys have been very, well, Cowboyesque, being wildly inconsistent that is. It will be no picnic for the Romosexual and the Boys on Sunday that's for darned sure. PATRIOTS 31-22

SAINTS @ BUCCANEERS (+4.5): The Buccaneers have come down to earth, as it were, the last couple of weeks. Of course if you weren't buying into the talking heads' Hypemaster 5000 , and were buying into the Talkng Heads' More Songs About Buildings and Food, you'd know the Bucs were on the earth the entire time and the Talking Heads are awesome. SAINTS 35-17

Ugh, as for the Sunday and Monday night games, I really think they are both horrible games althought they could end up being close, who knows? But that's about all I have to say about that.

VIKINGS @ BEARS (-3): BEARS 24-10

DOLPHINS @ JETS (-7) : JETS 14-10

WEEK FIVE: ROCK'EM SOCK'EM KITNA

Less games, less "Bitterness". Or at least that will be my excuse for a slightly abbreviated post this week. The real excuse is, like so many of you, I will be waiting in line for tickets to repeated showings of Real Steel, aka Rock'em Sock'em Robots: The Movie. Don't try and deny it, I know some of you are reading this on your smart phones while you wait in line to be one of the first on your block to see it, right now! So with this epic surefire Oscar winner out in theaters, I'm gonna go all board game on your respective behinds this week! Milton Bradley and the Parker Brothers will be proud! Like wth many other weeks, I flipped a coin to decide almost every game.

CHIEFS @ COLTS (-2.5): UNO! That is the number of wins these teams have. Combined. The Colts have shown some moxie, but are in desperate need of one of them "reverse" cards to change their luck. CHIEFS 23-19

CARDINALS @ VIKINGS (-2.5): The Vikings are all hungry, hungry hippos for that first win and just like last week, I think this is the week! VIKINGS 28-21

EAGLES @ BILLS (+2.5): Bills took their first loss last week, so they ain't in Candyland anymore! Yeah, I have no idea what that means. BILLS 23-18

RAIDERS @ TEXANS (-6): You may want to Skip-"bo" watching this one, but it could be an interesting battle as the Raiders look like they may be feisty most of the season. TEXANS 34-27

SAINTS @ PANTHERS (+6.5): Feels like this could be a classic "mouse" trap game. Panthers have been close and Cam Newton has been ridonkulous for the most part. This could be similar to the battle against the Texans, somehow. SAINTS 38-35

BENGALS @ JAGUARS (-2.5): The Bengals have been up and down like a mad game of Chutes and Ladders. Two rookie QBs lock horns in this one and it seems like anyone's game. I'm going with the Bengals and their momentum. BENGALS 24-20

TITANS @ STEELERS (-3): Your rock'em sock'em slugfest of the week! CJ broke 100 yards last week, but just when he gets goin, he faces the Steelers D who have given up like two 100-yd rushing games to a back in their last 852 games. I am looking into confirming that number, but it sure looks like Turn and Coughlin is headed to 0-5. Sigh. TITANS 17-11

SEAHAWKS @ GIANTS (-9.5): Yahtzee! This is this week's "game I could not care less about!" GIANTS 27-20

BUCCANEERS @ 49ERS (-3): Buccaneers, do not pass "GO", do not collect your fourth win, the 49ers will have a monopoly on the good plays in this one. NINERS 21-14

JETS @ PATRIOTS (-9): Belichik and Rex Ryan will engage in Stratego like battle once again. This could go either way and I am not seeing where this spread came from. While the Pats still have last year's playoff game in the back of their minds their defense has played quite awfully thus far. PATRIOTS 31-28

CHARGERS @ BRONCOS (+4): SORRR-y, Broncos, you just aren't good enough. Is this the week we see Tim Tebow actually factor in? Do I really care? CHARGERS 35-21

PACKERS @ FALCONS (+6): A rematch of last year's playoff game when Aaron Rodgers carved the Falcons up like an Operation champ! Shouldn't be much different this time around! PACKERS 33-23


BEARS @ LIONS (-5.5): Not much of a clue on this one. Will it be Professor Forte with his running in the Lions secondary or Colonel Stafford with his Megatron in the end zone? Coinflip says.... LIONS 31-27

And now your cheese! Well, Pa- CHEESE.......i:

WEEK FOUR: ANY WHICH WAY BUT KITNA

In week three:

The Bills snapped their losing streak against the Patriots, and took over sole posssesion of 1st in the AFC East because...the Jets were beaten by the upstart Raiders who did not need to come from 20 points down to win like....the Lions, who are 3-0 for the first time in quite some time, after becoming the third team in a row to come back from a double digit deficit against.....the Vikings, who couldn't hold a lead if they had a hot date with a....I lost my train of thought. Umm, OH, the Packers win, but were deaked out of their tight pants by the Bears on a late punt return which was almost a touchdown, but not for a big holding penalty, and it was just slightly more exciting than....the monsoon that enveloped the Jags-Panthers game for about a quarter or so which would have been a great excuse for...the 1st 13-8 final in NFL history, but sadly the Bengals-Niners battle of futility was played in the bright sunshine not under the lights like....the Monday nighter that saw the second 9-9 halftime score ever in NFL history as the Cowboys won with out scoring a touchdown. Well, quite a week for sure and I gotta believe week four will be just as compelling as the Lions and Bills go for 4-0? Still doesn't sound quite right but I like it!

DETROIT @ DALLAS (-1): Is Tony Romo tough, stupid, or both? Well, say what you will (lord knows I will throughout the season) but I'd take Romo over Brady any day....in the octagon. Well, maybe not a day with cracked ribs. Maybe. While I'm not, and may never be, sold on Romo's playing ability, the Cowboys defense may be turning a corner and right now that could certainly keep them in the NFC East race. I mean how does a team win, without scoring a touchdown and fumbling six, count 'em, six times? Defense probably has something to do with that, right? Although I wouldn't exactly call the 'Skins an offensive juggrenaut even with Sexy Rexy at the helm (sorry long time "Bitterness" reader Rex Grossman's mom).

On the other side of the field will be the Lions who are 3-0 for the first time since, well, I dunno, but it's been decades, plural, since it happened. Not even the Scott Mitchell or Erik Kramer Lions started a season 3-0. They also never did it once with Barry Sanders in the backfield. Another fun note, is the last Lions QB to lead them back from a 20 point deficit is Bobby Layne.

Now, I don't know how good the Lions really are yet, but I am inclined to beleive they are somewhat legit. And I think you all know I don't toss around that "somewhat legit" label around freely! LIONS 27-21

NEW ORLEANS @ JACKSONVILLE (+7): No one is gonna confuse this year's Saints defense with the Steel Curtain defense of the Steelers or the '85 Bears defense that's for darned sure. I guess, to be fair, they were torched by a couple of pretty good QBs. Sunday they get a QB with exactly one NFL start under his belt. Barring another gorilla monsoon like in last week's Jags' game, I'd say the Saints should not have too much trouble in this one. SAINTS 31-18

SAN FRANCISCO @ PHILADELPHIA (-8.5): Michael Vick has practiced and says he's 100% sure he'll play against the Niners on Sunday. Well that's good enough for me, Dr. Vick! Even if he does play, there's no guarantee he'll be 100% and right now he's having trouble taking snaps under center, which is sort of a pretty big part of his duties on Sunday. If the Eagles have to have Kafka be king of "The Castle" (obscure literary reference of the week) again, it may spell trouble for Philly. EAGLES 21-17

WASHINGTON @ ST. LOUIS (+1.5): This weeks's winner of "the game I could not care less about" award. The Rams have shown little improvement week to week and, in fact, seemed to take a giant leap backwards last week. Which means this is a no-brainer to pick the Skins, which is what I will do, which is why the Rammers have an excellent shot at getting their first "W" of the season. REDKSINS 27-21

TENNESSEE @ CLEVELAND (-1): All the talk since Manning was not going to start for Indy, has been about the AFC South is the Texans division to lose. But hold the phone! How did people dismiss the Titans from the get go? I mean they've played decent enough and at some point you gotta think CJ will start making an impact, right? Please say yes, cause Turn and Coughlin is 0-3 and could really use some production from our first round pick already! Okay, sorry, what was I talking about? Oh yeah, don't sleep on the Titans, or hay, it's downright itchy. TITANS 31-21

BUFFALO @ CINCINNATI (+3): Buffalo is flying high this week. While I can't say I was sure the Williams would win last week, I knew they'd cover. "So, is it safe to now say the Bills are for real this year?" you may be asking. They have their shortcomings for sure, but right now they have a very good shot at 4-0 as long as they don't get too overconfident after their big win last week. BILLS 35-15

MINNESOTA @ KANSAS CITY (-1.5): The Vikings have blown double digit leads in all three of their games this season. The last, a 20 point lead against the division rival Lions. Now it seems like it's hard to put all of this on the shoulders of my fellow Syracuse alum, Donovan McNabb, but I have seen very little of their games, so I can't really say. What I can say is most Vikings fans are no longer pondering, but calling for a QB change to, well, Ponder. I think the Vikes hold on this week against the Charlesless Chieves. VIKINGS 23-14

CAROLINA @ CHICAGO (-6.5): The Bears probably had the play of the day Sunday with that punt return that faked everyone out, including the cameraman! Everyone watching at home was wondering what was happening as we did not even see Johnny Knox catch that punt. Too bad a holding penalty negated that effort. Meanwhile Cam Newton was stumbling a bit, partly in a monsoon, against the Jags and now he gets da Bears, could be another long afternoon for the rookie. BEARS 27-15

PITTSBURGH @ HOUSTON (-4): The Steelers may very well make the playoffs this year, but right now they're not looking a team that should. Their offensive line is a civ and, well, most of their team is kinda old. The Texans on the other hand are the fancy schmancy pick to win the AFC South. Well, they had their chance to impress me last week, and while they did put up a valiant effort and have been without Arian Foster for the most part, I'm still not buyin' what their sellin'. That being said, I think they win this one. TEXANS 22-14

ATLANTA @ SEATTLE (+4.5): I don't know much about the Seahawks, and I don't care to. I'm still holding on to the idea the Falcons are gonna be good, but it's getting harder and harder (that's what she said?) by the week. FALCONS 45-17

NEW YORK GIANTS @ ARIZONA (+1.5): Yeah, there was quite a contest for "the game I coul not care less about". Frankly beating the Eagles last week didn't impress me as much as it impressed most. I guess it depends on how good the Eagles defense really is. I'll tell ya this much, if Victor Cruz keeps doing his best Phil McConkey impersonation




for the G-men, everything else is cream cheese! GIANTS 21-14

MIAMI @ SAN DIEGO (-7): Am I the only one who still sees the name Tony Sparano and thinks Tony Soprano? I'm surprised I haven't seen shirts with "the Sparanos" on them, knocking off the Sopranos logo. Although, I guess Miami fans aren't all that bright (Miami fans send your hate mail to jayfiedler@imanidiot.net ) and maybe don't know the Sopranos were fictional and are trying to avoid the wrath of Tony. Or maybe it's because it depitcs a firearm?

I'd assume they'd just put Snowflake there in it's place, right?

Anyways, the Chargers always start slow, so the fact they are 2-1 has to be a good sign for Norv and company. Plus the Dolphins don't appear to be very good, so a 3-1 record seems to be in the cards for the Bolts. CHARGERS 24-10

DENVER @ GREEN BAY (-12.5): The Packers are legit, but I feel like they may play down to their opponents, and that 12.5 spread is a bit daunting. Basically, I try to not pick teams to cover double digit spreads and this is no different, even though they could very well cover. Got that? PACKERS 28-17

NEW ENGLAND @ OAKLAND (+4): The Belichik Patriots rarely lose two in a row it seems, so the Raiders may very well just be Tom Brady's whipping boys this Sunday, regardless of the fact they may be good this year and this game is in the black hole amongst all them passionate (read: psychotic) Raiders fans. PATRIOTS 38-24

NEW YORK JETS @ BALTIMORE (-3.5): This'll be a defensive battle, one would reckon. I'm inclined to believe the Ravens we saw in weeks one and three were the real Ravens. Or, maybe they'll only play good in odd numbered weeks, who the heck knows? RAVENS 23-17

INDIANAPOLIS @ TAMPA BAY (-10): Okay, this was very much in the running for "the game this week I could not care less about" but I am kind of curious to see what the Bucs do and c'mon ya gotta care about primetime games featuring Curtis Painter, right? I mean look at that punim:

Am I right folks? Well, his family might wanna watch. I said, "might". BUCCANEERS 16-10

So, there ya have it, another week of picks in the books, enjoy the games and your cheese:

WEEK THREE: KITNABALL?

Well, well, well, here we are headed into week three and of course the Bills, Lions and Redskins are 2-0! 2010 division winners Colts, Chiefs and Seahawks are 0-2. I know what you're thinking how could the Chiefs and Seahawks both have won the division last year, they're both in the AFC West?! Well, turns out they moved the 'Hawks to the NFC quite some time ago. Also, it is really irrelevant to me that the Chiefs and Seahawks are both defending division champs, since the Chiefs did it with smoke and mirrors and the Seahawks won the NFC West, but the division winner thing is what everyone is gonna to point to, trying to drum up some semblance of story or parity. Winning the NFC West last year was akin to being the skinniest kid in fat camp. And while we're sort of mentioning the Chiefs, how bad are they? I mean Todd Haley is a horrible head coach and they are off to an all out atrocious start. But not to worry KC fans, at least your best offensive weapon, Jamaal Charles is out for the season, which is gonna severely reduce the odds of "Charles in Charge" headlines in the Kansas City periodicals. Hey maybe Scott Baio could play some QB or wideout? I'm sure Willie Aames is a terrific scatback, they could throw some pads on him and toss him in there.

Well, enough (Eight is Enough?) of that. after a solid 8-8 week two, it's on to the week three picks!

49ERS @ BENGALS (-2.5): Last week the Niners battled the Cowboys in a battle of former playoff rivals and this week it's a rematch of Super Bowl XXIII ! Now obviously it's not the first rematch since then and the Bengals have not really even been close to getting back to the big game, while the Niners have won a pair of Super Bowl rings since that game. Neither team has been to the Super Bowl since 1995 and the Bengals have not won a playoff game since 1990 when they beat the Houston Oilers, who no longer exist. How is any of this relevant to this matchup, you may ask? Well I can't say it it, just thought I'd crack an egg of knowledge over your head and make Bengals fans feel bad. Hey, Tim Krumrie's not walking through that door, Queen City! I don't really have a great read on either of these teams. Both are 1-1, both have beaten what I would consider mediocre at best football teams (Seahawks? Really?) and both teams have QBs who have not proven themselves on the NFL stage. Bengals are at home, so that may be where I should lean, however I keep holding out that Niners are at least very decent. NINERS 21-17

PATRIOTS @ BILLS (+9): Mark this as the first test for the upstart 2011 Buffalo Bills. You gotta love their moxie that's for darned sure, but I think the spread says about all you need to know about what most people think of the 2-0 start. I'd be very surprised if Orchard Park ain't rockin like an LA Guns concert for this one. The concern for the Bills, has to be that the Raiders put up a bunch of points on them and the Raiders were without their top three wideouts. Jason Campbell is not Tom Brady. There's also the fact the Pats have one like 87 of the last 88 meetings against the Williams, or something like that. But hey, if the energy from everyone rooting on the Bills (which is everyone outside of Patriot Planet) is actual power the Bills are sittin in butter! PATRIOTS 28-20

TEXANS @ SAINTS (-4): This matchup intrigues me. Everyone is high on the Texans to win the AFC South and it's tough to argue, with Peyton Manning gone, but there's just that little voice in the back of my head saying, "Texans will never make the leap to the next level!" Well if you wanna prove you're ready to make that leap, Houston, here's your chance. Legitimately the Saints could be 2-0, but Sean Payton's hubris may have prevented that from happening. Judging by how the Saints manhandled the Bears in week two, it could be a long afternoon for the Schaub. SAINTS 38-21

GIANTS @ EAGLES (-6): The Eagles offense could really undergo quite a "metamorphasis" this week if Kafka is at QB. Yeah, I went there! And others may have used this, but I had to have been one of the first as I tweeted this on Sunday night when he entered the game (its @WillieMoe if you wanna check and also don't wanna miss out on my Sunday football tweets that get less and less relevant with each passing beer)! Anyway, Andy reid says he has full confidence in Kafka if he has to run the offense. In fact he said he should have let him loose a little more on Sunday night. And Andy Reid continues to be one of the worstest in-game managers. On the other side of the ball you have the G-Men who must have been watching the Emmy's on Sunday, to inspire that great acting on Monday night! Well, I think they were already merely acting as contenders anyway. All signs point to the Iggles winning this one! ALL SIGNS! EAGLES 27-21

DOLPHINS @ BROWNS: (-2.5): The Phins are 0-2 and I think only Tony Sparano is the only one surprised by this. This could very well be the week they break into the win column, since the Brownies have not been overly impressive. May have to break out my Browns Jon Jurcovic jersey though and if that happens, well, all bets are off. BROWNS 23-17

BRONCOS @ TITANS (-7): I think we're more likely to see the Titans we saw in week two than the Titans we saw in week one. And hey Chris Johnson, my fantasy team is dying a slow death, so if you wanna go ahead and , I dunno, actually earn that big contract you held out for anytime soon, it would be greatly appreciated! TITANS 24-14

LIONS @ VIKINGS (+3.5): Well everyone's sleeper pick (which I guess doesn't really make them a sleeper pick anymore, does it?), the Lions, has started 2-0. Now sure you can't really say they've been tested (who have they played, Bill?), but at the same time, can you honestly say the Vikings are a test, the way they've played? Hardly. While Leslie Frazier still has confidence in Donovan McNabb, I feel Minnesota fans may not share this view, if they even still do, after week three. LIONS 31-21

JAGUARS @ PANTHERS (-3.5): These two squads are cosmically linked, having come into the league at the same time. They also both went to, and lost, their first respective conference Championship games for the first time, in the same year. Well Sunday they both start rookie QBs, as the similarities continue, and yet stop here. Figgy Newton has been throwing up ridiculous numbers thus far, while Blaine Gabbert is making his first NFL start. I don't know much about Gabbert, except the general consensus is he could not possible be worse than Luke McCown, which is a ringing endorsement if ever I heard one. And I have. Heard a ringing endorsement. Sorry 'bout that. The only way for the Jags to win is to hope MJD runs wild and they can keep Cam Newton off the field as much as possible. May be too tall of a task. PANTHERS 28-17

CHIEFS @ CHARGERS (-14.5): The spread would only seems large if the Chieves hadn't been beaten twice by 30 or more points. Plus, as mentioned earlier, Jamaal Charles is out for the season. I almost never pick someone to cover this kind of spread in the NFL, but I'm gonna go with the masses. CHARGERS 80-10

JETS @ RAIDERS (+3.5): And the tests just keep on comin' for the Jets. The Raiders are a mystery to me, but the Jets, I am still assuming, are pretty good. At least good enough to shut down Jason Campbell and whomever he has at receiver on Sunday. JETS 27-14

RAVENS @ RAMS (+3.5): Not quite sure what happen to Baltimore in week two, but I would wager a guess it is not likely to happen again this season. At least not in St. Louis in week three. RAVENS 31-13

FALCONS @ BUCCANEERS (-1.5): Matty Ice and company should have some good swagger coming into week three after a big primetime win against Philly last week. On the other side is Josh Freeman and the Buccaneers. I am unsure if either is somewhat good or not. I like Josh Freeman, but I think the Falcons pull this one out. I'm actually kind of surprised the Bucs are favored here. FALCONS 16-10

CARDINALS @ SEAHAWKS (+3.5): Winner of "the game I probably care least about" this week. Congratulations guys! CARDINALS 24-12

PACKERS @ BEARS (+3.5): Maybe the game of the week if, unlike me, you believe in Jay Cutler. But regardless of my feelings towards Cutler and the Bears, the skirmishes between these two teams do seem to end up being pretty close. Now I'm not saying I believe in the Bears here, but something tells me they pull off the "upset" on Sunday night. Possibly in overtime? BEARS 27-24

STEELERS @ COLTS (+10.5): I'm sure ESPN and NBC were just super happy when they found out Peyton Manning may be done for the season, since America can't get enough of Kerry Collins. NOT! ("NOT" joke's for you Hoff!) . Maybe by some sort of sheer luck the Colts stay close in this one, but really does anyone think that? If it happens it will certainly be some sort of prime time, Monday Night Football, Buffalo Wild Wings puling the strings, magical thing. STEELERS 25-11

So, there ya have it! My insightful thoughts on week three in the NFL! And now your cheese:

WEEK TWO: THE KITNA'S SPEECH

Welcome back for week two in the NFL. Week one was full of ups, downs and whathaveyous, for darned sure! To recap, I called the Chiefs not covering, but not them getting blown out by the Williams, told you there'd be plenty of time for Romo bashing and the QB gave us plenty of fresh material, announcers want the Falcons and Steelers to remain calm (as if they were gonna give up after one week), Figgy Newton had a ridonkulous debut, Tom Brady threw for roughly a tenth of mile on Monday night, the Broncos played the Raiders (or so I am told), CBS and FOX refused to cut from blowouts to switch to relevant games, the Monsters of the Midway were good, the Manningless Colts were not, the Steelers got thrown around like rag dolls in Baltimore and oh yeah, ESPN added an extra (more like extraneous, am I right) hour of blowhards for NFL pregame! Now on to week two!

BEARS @SAINTS (-6.5): Well I said the Bears had a good chance of an upset last week against the Dirty Birds, but I am not sure anyone quite saw the thumping they doled out on Matty Ice and company. Offensively the Saints came out firing and were pretty good, but the Packers defense may have also still had some rust on it in week one, which the Bears D certainly did not. As you may or may not know, I have never been sold on Jay Cutler, but the Bears D is most likely for real and that could spell trouble for N'awlins. BEARS 24-21

CHIEFS @ LIONS: (-8.5): I didn't quite call the Bills win, but I did know they would be at least close and the Chiefs were highly overrated. I would hazard a guess that the Lions offense is slightly better than that of the Bills, but time is gonna tell on that one. I don't trust the Chiefs as far as I can thrown them (and with my bad back I shouldn't be throwing anything), so look for the Chiefs to get a big dose of Megatron! LIONS 28-17

JAGUARS @ JETS (-9.5): The Jets were more or less handed a win on a silver platter in week one, so I am not too impressed with them, but the Jaguars have Luke McCown at QB. JETS 19-3

RAIDERS @ BILLS (-3.5): Circle the wagons, folks! The Williams really took it to the Chefs in week one, which surprised a good portion of people. And let's face it, it's darn hard to root against those Williams in those strikingly awesome uniforms. Although I will concur with my buddy Jables and say blue pants would have been better, but they were still pretty darned outstanding! Having watched very little of the Raiders game, being passed out half way through the first quarter, I really only know they won in a close one. I like Fitzy and Stevie Johnson to hook up on a big second half touchdown to secure the victory....BILLS 24-16

CARDINALS @ REDSKINS (-4): Are the Redskins for real or the Giants just really banged up and or not that good? While I think the Giants are overrated and the Redskins are more pretenders than contenders, the Cardinals gave up over 400 passing yards....to a rookie....in his first NFL game ever. Sure, maybe Cam Newton is great (I'm still not sold), but over 4oo yards throwing? Enter Sexy Rexy......'SKINS 27-20

RAVENS @ TITANS (+6): Well, I thought the Titans would easily dominate the Jags in week one and they did not, but it urns out the spread was dead on. If it were a handful of other teams the Titans were facing in week two, I'd see them bouncing back in a big way, but even with more CJ this week, the Ravens are, well, ravenous and seem to be on a mission! RAVENS 28-17

SEAHAWKS @ STEELERS (-14.5): Can't say I envy the Seahawks in this one. Heading into the the Ketchup Packet for the Steelers home opener a week after they got absolutely manhandled by the hated Ravens? This could get ugly. If the Steelers don't win this one, and in solid fashion, the Steel city will have their collective hands hovering over the proverbial panic button. STEELERS 28-10

PACKERS @ PANTHERS (+9.5): Cam "Fig" Newton's week one performance does move the Panthers a level or two above the dung heap I originally had them in, but I have a hunch with a look at week one film and some extra rest, the Packers defense will be looking to prove themselves in this one. PACKERS 35-14

BUCCANEERS @ VIKINGS (-3): Sure the Vikings lost their opener, but they held their own and clearly did not warrant the eight and half point underdog status, I didn't think. The Bucs on the other hand got a big dose of Megatron and with know Optimus, or Maximus, Prime in the secondary that was all out trouble! I'm pulling for the Bucs this season, sort of, but they are a bit unimpressive, in my eyes.....VIKINGS 25-12

BROWNS @ COLTS (+2.5): Breakout the Colt 45s, it's Colt vs. Colts in the Billy Dee Williams Bowl! Sure the Colts were without Peyton Manning on Sunday for the first time in quite some time, but the thing is, Peyton doesn't play defense! Now sure, with Peyton they keep that Texans offense off the field a little more, but still. Peyton's absence is a bit psychological as well, me thinks, and the Colts need to move on and get going. I still don't have a great read on the Brownies this year, so I am picking the Colts in what will be considered a mild upset. COLTS 24-20

COWBOYS @ 49ERS (+3): This matchup used to be a classic heated rivalry of NFC powerhouses that I wouldn't watch and now it's just a less meaningful game that I won't watch. I kid, but not really. I feel like the Cowboys and the Romosexual will right the ship (delaying Kitna's 2011 debut another week) so to speak and emerge victorious! COWBOYS 23-17

TEXANS @ DOLPHINS (+3): Well, let's see the Phins gave up a crap ton of passing yards on Monday night, and while Matt "Stump the" Schaub is no Tom Brady, he has been known to do some slingin' himself! Also, this week's random fact: Miami's City Manager's name is Tony Crapp, Jr. I'm not even kidding, see for yourself- ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Miami ). I'm guessing he's the mayor's number two? TEXANS 31-20

CHARGERS @ PATRIOTS (-7): This one is a head scratcher of a pick for me. The Chargers did not bowl me over with a ton of confidence in week one, but they're certainly very decent. I'm going out on a limb and saying Brady with his "lubed up (translated: hydrated)" fans cheering him on will not, I repeat, NOT, eclipse 500 yards passing in week two. I also feel like the Bolts will hang around in this one for awhile, but in the end will falter. PATRIOTS 31-21

BENGALS @ BRONCOS (-4.5): This one depends completely on if it's Andy Dalton or B-Grad helming the Bengals offense. Actually, it really doesn't. Broncos 22-16

EAGLES @ FALCONS (+2.5): This one is for the birds! HAHAHAHAH! Birds! Get it?! Both teams have bird names! Pretty sure I'm the first to use that! Alright, enough of that nonsense. Both these teams need to get some better games from their O-lines, and as such this could be the difference in Vick Bowl. So this is more or less a toss up in my book, so I'm going with the hometown team. FALCONS 28-24

RAMS @ GIANTS (-5): When the MNF schedule was revealed for the season, I thought this was an awful choice, because the G-Men were far better than the Rams. Now, I think this is a bad choice because both teams are kind of disppointing, but it could be a close, not good, but close, game. The Rams lost like, every, skill postion player last week, so look for Cleveland Gary to get a bulk of the carries, and Flipper Anderson to be Jim "don't call me Chris" Everett's top target. GIANTS 16-6

That wraps up week two's picks, hope you enjoyed! If you didn't well, too bad. If you have a question for the Bitterness Mailbag, please submit it in the comments section and we'll be sure to read it, probably. And now, of course, your cheese