FUTILE FIFTEEN

15. McNabb's Ribs- Sound like a place I'd go for some good ol' fashioned BBQ, but alas it is not. D-Nabb's ribs, cracked, broke or whatever, should not be tested in Week 2. I'm no doctor, but it seems like it'd be hard to throw a football with rib problems.

14. Jay Cutler Hype- I've said it before and I'll say it again, what exactly has Jay Cutler shown us? Maybe, just maybe, he's an upgrade from Kyle Orton, but really, who isn't?

13. Wildcat- Really I'm just sick of hearing about the "Wildcat". Formations like this and similar to this have been around for ages, but someone has sustained success (game and half or so), gives it a name, and it becomes all the rage. Blah!

12. Eric Mangini- Seems like the Vikings didn't need more than a few days to prepare for Brady Quinn. One can only imagine what would have happened with Derek Anderson at the helm. Does anyone else think Mangini-us is just overthinking everything to find a competitive edge?

11. Texans- The Jets are improved yes, but the Texans just looked baffled out there on Sunday.

10. Reggie Bush- Someday he's gonna prove he can be an RB1, but that seems to be a long way off.

9. Lions- Although improved, losing your 18th game in a row, is still futile.

8. Jon Gruden- Overall, seems to be a nice addition to the booth, but he called Matt Light, Todd Lyght at least three times on Monday night.

7. Todd Lyght- Poor guy's been retired for quite some time now, and he's getting blamed for pressure on Tom Brady. That and from his name you'd think he was white. And I got him confused with Todd Houlihan!

6. Mike and Mike and Steve- Didn't watch the whole game, but what I heard was more than enough for me to not want to listen. Is it just me or does Mike Greenberg have the perfect voice for print media?

5. Buccaneers- They're just not good.

4. Pittsburgh running game- Well Willie Parker got to the line "fast", but tough to gage his speed from that.

3. Chuck Cecil- Maybe there's someone out there who can explain why he stopped applying pressure to Ben Roethlisberger late in the game?

2. Jake Delhomme- Anyone who watched the Carolina game or just read JD's line, knows what I'm talkign about.

1. Leodis McKelvin- Nothing like making a dumb play to, for all intents and purposes, cost your team the game, and have no remorse about it. The thing about this is, Bobby Avril is one of the best Special Teams coaches there is, and I can't imagine he didn't tell Leodis to take a touchback if he could. Am I right? Sure, no guarantee the Bills win anyway, but the odds are probably a lot better, if you don't give Tom Brady the ball at your 31-yard line with about two minutes left.

FAYGO FUTILE FIFTEEN

15. VINTAGE FAVRE?: Is anyone in the media ever going to admit that Favre is no longer God's gift to football? Its like he throws an interception, and the media's all, "Only Brett Favre could have the savvy to make that throw." If Brett Favre was ever thinking of killing someone, now would be the time.

14. BEARS: Surprisingly, this was Lovie Smith first loss as a head coach at Lambeau. But, oh what a loss it was. What happened to that super duper Bears defense, eh?

13. THE COLTS BEING BACK: No doubt the Colts offense looked impressive on Sunday. But the Bob Sanders-less defense looked, well, unimpressive. And let us not forget it was against the Texans. Yes that same, mighty, Texan defense that held the Ravens to 41 points last week. That very same, feisty, Texan squad that had lost back-to-back games, and came in with that very deceiving 3-6 record. Yes, that Texan team, folks.

12. ROMO'S FINGER: Romo's magical finger amazingly guides the 'Boys over the 'Skins? Yeah, right. Funny, I don't recall seeing Romo playing defense, did you? There's a slight chance they would have been in this game even with Brooks Bollinger under center.

11. RAVENS IMPENETRABLE RUN DEFENSE: The Giants quickly dismissed this notion, but Trevor Pryce was more than happy to explain, "The way it happened was a fluke." Thanks Trevor, I guess that sums it up.

10. NFC NORTH: The Bears were the "class" of the division, until they got trounced by the Packers on Sunday. It seems like no one wants to win this division. One week the Bears are the team to beat and the Vikings were on the rise. Next week the Packers are the team to beat and the Vikes are back down. The only safe bet in the division is that the Lions are not the team to beat.

9. JETS "PREVENT"?: I'm only talking about the last Patriots drive here, but when Matt Cassel puts up four hunny on ya, chances are you weren't playing too tight in the secondary. But on the Patriots last drive, the Jets let the Pats easily march right down the field. But then, THEN, after dry humping randy Moss up and down the field all night, they lay off him. Huh? Well, not surprisingly, Moss caught the game tying touchdown on that very play. The Jets ended up winning, but had they lost that coin toss in overtime, who knows?

8. KYLE ORTON: Orton was a mere 13-26 for 133 yards completing just two passes to a wide receiver. Suddenly Orton is not looking like the Bears savior at QB, now is he?

7. NFC WEST TEAMS NOT RHYMING WITH FARDINALS: Sure the Niners won this week, but it was against the Rams, and in Donovan McNabb's mind, someone had to win that game. Although if there would have been the perfect place for a tie it would've been in that one. Anyways, it looks like the NFC West could manage to get three of the first ten draft picks come Spring.

6. TIES: I'm not talking about changing the rules here, I'm talking about ties in general. I mean, come on, everyone knows a tie is like kissing your sister.

5. DAVID GARRARD: Another lackluster showing for the Jaguars and Garrard was the lacklusterest. Yeah, I said it and no, it is not a real word. And?

4. RAIDERS: I think this is pretty self explanatory here. So why don't ya go ahead and make your own Raiders "diss", as the kids say.

3. LIONS: We'll have to get Stat Man John to figure out the probability of the Lions winning a game this season. I'd be willing to wager it's not a high probability and yes I realize they do have the one and only Duante Culpepper, now.

2. MCNABB'S KNOWLEDGE OF THE RULES: This has certainly been beaten into the ground, but how can a professional football player not know that the game can end in a tie? But it wasn't just McNabb who was unaware of the quirky "tie" thing. DeSean Jackson and Correll Buckhalter were also baffled, as was Andy Reid, who had this to say, "I've never been in a tie, so I don't know how it works in the standings?" At what point do people start wondering how in the hell Andy Reid even got to a Super Bowl?

1. RAMS: Jim Haslett said it all in his postgame words, "I'm perplexed." Well, I guess that could be taken in regards to many things. I don't know what's so perplexing, really. Your team sucks at football and you suck at coaching football. See? Simple.

FAYGO FUTILE FIFTEEN

15. DEANGELO HALL: I'll take "Overrated Football Players" for $800 Alex.
This cornerback, known for talking "smack", could not cover the broad side of a barn. (Bing) Who is DeAngelo Hall? That is correct, please select the next answer.

14. NFL QUARTERBACKS: Of the 32 quarterbacks who started on opening day, 16 have appeared on the injured list. Two, have since lost their starting jobs. Plus one, Marc Bulger, lost his job for a week. Surprisingly, and annoyingly for Raiders fans, JaMarcus Russell is not one of those quarterbacks to miss time this season.

13. KEYSHAWN JOHNSON'S NEW SHOW: Get the TiVo ready, apparently Keyshawn is going to "tackle" interior design. Why wouldn't he? What's next? A cooking show with Deion Sanders? Gardening with Shannon Sharpe? We can only hope.

12. CINCY BIG WIGS: Can someone please check the pulse of the Bengals front office? I mean are actual people in those offices? Or is just a bunch of chain smoking chimps? And Cincy fans thought they were sitting pretty once all of Jon Kitna's wisdom was implanted in Carson Palmer's cranium. Looks like, not so much.

11. BRONCOS DEFENSE: It's called tackling drills! Look into it.

10. TEXANS: You lose 41-13 to the Raidesr, you get a spot in the "Faygo Futile Fifteen". All of a sudden the up and coming Texans have been disappointing. Kub eat now?

9. JAKE DELHOMME: Jake, Jake, Jake, not gonna beat a lot of teams with a QB Rating of 12. Although, interesting that without DeAngelo Hall, the Raiders defense holds the opposing quarterback to a miniscule rating. Hmm?

8. RAIDERS: I'm all for giving people a chance, but at some point the Raiders have to start looking for another quarterback. I mean they cut DeAngelo Hall, right? If they are gonna continue with Russell leading the way it'll be more like the "silver and bleak" than the "silver and black."

7. LARRY JOHNSON: I know Larry, apparently spitting on women is a crime, who knew?

6. CHIEFS: They just keep on inching closer and closer to that second victory. Maybe Herm Edwards just likes high draft picks?

5. AL DAVIS: Big Al is still dispensing crazy faster than any other owner in the NFL.

4. SEAHAWKS: Well, good news for Jim Mora, Jr., if this is how Mike Holmgren is gonna leave the Seahawks, expectations will be pretty low for "Playoffs!" Junior next season. Might wanna look for a solid backup QB in the offseason if everyone keeps hasslin' the beck.

3. JIM HASLETT'S 360 DEGREE TURN: It was fun while it lasted wasn't it? After that fast start, the Rams have returned their abysmal, pitiful, downright awful form. All those two wins did was hurt their draft position. They may have to pick as low as seven, come April. Yikes!

2. RAMS: See above.

1. LIONS: Duante Culpepper? Really? Matt Millen could've made that move. What, Kordell Stewart was unavailable?

FAYGO FUTILE FIFTEEN

15. Oakland Raiders: At this point it's really hard to figure out how in the heck the Raiders won two games. I mean honestly, how is this possible?

14. Bill Belichik: Looked pretty foolish running onto the field to waste your team's last time out there Billy boy.

13. Jaguars: Hey you lose to a previously winless team this late in the season, you make the "Futile Fifteen"! What happened to that power running game? The Jags were one of those up and coming, teams of the future. They better figure out how to open up some holes to run through, and fast!

12. Mike Singletary's Pants: Hey if I were Mike Singletary I'd never wear pants.

11. Rex Grossman: Welcome back Rex! There are not a lot of QBs in this league that make fans miss Kyle Orton, but you are one of them.

10. David Thomas: Creator of the Spicy Chicken Sandwich or not, that was a bonehead play on Sunday night, pretty much costing your team a shot to tie a close game. Don't get me wrong, I am with you, they coddle everyone. I mean the best time to get an edge on your opponent is when they are least expecting it, am I right? And is there a time when they'd expect it less than after the whistle has blown? Maybe when shaking hands after the game. Yeah, you could get a good pop in there. But maybe for now just play by those "strict" rules of the NFL, preventing hitting after the whistle, I guess?

9. Al Davis: Raiders fans' only hope is that Al Davis gets fully encompassed by senility and fires himself. I, for one, cannot envision any other way for this franchise to turn itself around.

8. Oakland Raiders: I'm sorry, but they only mustered 77 yards of offense on Sunday. Seventy-seven! That warrants more than one spot in the "Futile Fifteen". That's the kind of number you give up playing against a computer controlled Raiders in Madden! And then you check the stats after your game and you say to yourself, "Man, how unrealistic is this video game, that I only gave up 77 yards of offense to the computer? That would never happen in the NFL." In fact, its probably even pretty rare in Madden. Unless you're on rookie level or something?

7. Denver Broncos: Now they don't earn a spot just for losing to Miami. The Dolphins are after all, at .500. No, it has to do with losing three in a row and four out of five. After a 3-0 start that had everyone thinking Jay Cutler and the Broncs were the cat's meow, they have gone 1-4. Our very own "Stat Man" John points out, the Broncos offense averaged 38 PPG during that 3-0 stretch, while averaging a meager 15 some odd points per game since. That's, not so good. Although, for what it's worth, they are still in first place in the AFC West.

6. Dallas Cowboys back-up quarterbacks: We're not generally prone to agree with or endorse Peter King, but he was right this week when he said the good teams are the one's prepared for the future. The Cowboys are clearly one of those teams who are not. I am not gonna get that down on Brad Johnson, who seemed like he might be serviceable, but he and Brooks Bollinger do not a scary threat make. Apparently its been 7 years since Dallas has drafted a quarterback. I mean sure, they probably thought Quincy Carter had another quality decade in him, but you still need a contingency. I mean look at Aaron Rodgers, Kevin Kolb, Matt Schaub, etc. These guys were not drafted to start right away, but were a decent backup plan. Cowboys QB coach, Jason Garret is supposed to be to developing quarterbacks what Shirtless Gutenburg is to providing quality entertainment. Why not draft a QB for him to develop? Too easy? Yeah, its probably better to focus efforts on signing malcontents, criminals and primadonnas. I mean young QBs you can mold are a dime a dozen, but a guy like "Pacman" Jones, who is prone to jail time, doesn't just come along every day.

5. Derek Anderson: Adios Derek! Its time for Brady Quinn "Medicine Woman" to take the reigns of this sinking ship. I like the Browns, but I'm rooting for BQ to flop (fingers crossed). He's just so much fun, and easy, to make fun of.

4. Larry Johnson: A picture says a thousand words!



3. NFC West teams that don't rhyme with Schmardinals: Yes these three teams are a combined 6-18, with only the Rams showing any signs of life. And even those brief flashes of hope for the Rams were pushed back down on Sunday in the form of a 34-13 drubbing at the hands of 'Zona. It'll be hard for the Cardinals to not make the playoffs, but if anyone defy the odds like that, it would be Arizona.

2. Lions: The Lions appear right on the cusp of winning a game, but they're still winless, and thus still "Futile Fifteen" material. Plus, no Kitna.

1. Oakland Raiders: And setting a new "Bitterness" record for appearances in a "Futile Fifteen" with three, the Oakland Raiders! (smattering of applause). Come on 77 yards?! They're lucky they didn't take up every spot in the "Futile Fifteen". "Stat Man" John provides us with this: Ten running backs rushed for more yards than the Raiders in Week 9. 18 receivers caught for more yards than the Raiders in Week 9. Abram Elam in one play, an interception return for a touchdown, amassed more yards than the Raiders in Week 9. Good grief! That's not so good, Al.

FAYGO FUTILE FIFTEEN

15. Cowbells and Rayhawks: Those GD cowbells have got to go! First off its been done and secondofly Rays "fans" don't even know the proper times to use them! Its amazing how Rays "fans" have grown so annoying, so fast! Its gotta be some sort of record.

14. Mike Nolan: Fare thee well, Mike Nolan. I actually am a big fan of Mike Nolan, he's a dapper guy. He makes Bill Belichik look like a hobo! Oh, wait, that's not right. Bill Belichick makes Bill Belichick look like a hobo.

13. My Weak Seven Picks: What an embarassing week. The 5-9 record is somehow surprising. Partly because where I was wrong I was way wrong. "No shootout between Orton and Frerotte," I says. Final score 48-41. "Colts are back, Packers are mediocre," I says. Pack win. "Drew Brees and the Saints will roll over the reeling Panthers," I says. Brees has his worst statistical day of the season and N'awlins gets routed. Sensing a pattern here? I realize I was not alone, nor completely off base with my picks, but still kinda tough to look at.

12. Cowboys: It's like a galdarn soap opera down in " Big D". Imagine a Soap Opera in Dallas?! Hahaha! What would they even call that? As the 'Boys Turn? Haha! Young and the Classless? Heehee! Dallas? Hahaha! Hohohoho! Oh, wait a minute.

11. Frank Caliendo commercials: Hey, I like Frank Caliendo, he's still not funnier than Michael Winslow, but he is much, much funnier than Kellen Winslow and that should count for something. But its the mere repitition of all of them and seeing them every single commercial break during the World Series! I hate repitition! I hate repitition! I hate repitition!

9. Bengals: Well, just the ones from Cincinnati really. Remember a few years ago when they won their division and the city was full of hope? Yah, me neither. They are really on the cusp of winning a game tough, I can feel it!

8. Marvin Lewis: Marvin, there's no shame in quitting. I'll forgive you. It's time for a fresh start. Maybe something where you deal with fewer lawbreakers, like a parole officer? I dunno? I'm just spitballin' here.

7. Dan Orlovsky: I think the problem is Danny-boy needs a sweet nickame. Now, I'm sure Lions fans have plenty of suggestions, but this is a family blog folks. Let's see, "Dan the Man"? Eh, been done. "The Mind Boggler"? Eh. "Orlo"? No that's just awful. Well maybe somthing to do with his college, let's see he went to....UCONN?! Okay, how about "The Husky Hurler"? Makes it sound like he might have a weight problem. "Husky Hunk"? Nah. "Husky Hulk"? Stupid. Alright forget college! He's from Shelton, Connecticut, maybe something with that? "The Shelton Sure Thing"? That's too wordy and wildly inaccurate. Alright, let's see, how's about "Roger"? No? Um, "Hamburglar"? We're getting there. "Chow Daddy"? Closer. "Chucker"? Nah. "Beanie"? No. "Rodrigo"?! further away. "Magnum"? Warmer. "Doogie". Ooooh, warmer. "Cool Whip"?! Ding, ding, ding! I think we have a winner. Dan Orlovsky from this day forth shall be known as "Cool Whip"!


6. Tim McCarver: Here's a World Series Game One gem from Timmy, "Brad Lidge throws a lot of sliders in the dirt. Ruiz (the cathcer) is gonna have to block those." Oh really? You mean instead of ignoring the ball and letting roll to the backstop, which I'm assuming is the M.O. on Ruiz in the regular season, he's gonna want to do his job and block those balls. Now that's inside analysis you can only get from a former catcher right there folks! Of course this statement is also only partially true, because if there is no one on base and it's not strike three, then Ruiz can in fact let the ball go wherever. Tune in next time when Tim explains the intentional walk, "Now they're gonna walk him cause they don't want him to hit the ball." Can ESPN or someone come up with a show featuring Tim and John Madden just announcing, well, anything? Possibly stuff you'd only find in Obscure Sports Quarterly? I mean clearly, they wouldn't need any info, just a minute understanding of the sport. Bowling?

Madden: "Now the reason he puts that spin on the ball is so it'll hit near the middle with some spin. If it hits near the middle with some spin, he's gonna get more pins. If he gets more pins, he has a better chance of winning the match."

McCarver: "And you'll notice he throws the ball over to the right, so the spin has to be going left. Otherwise it'll end up in the gutter. Haha!"

5. Vikings Special Teams: They take the "special" right out of special teams! Yeah, I went there! So what? Their punter doesn't seem to have no Kluwe! Get it? His last name is Kluwe and it may or may not sound like "clue". We should note that Kluwe is no longer there punter and they are currently trying to coerce Bucky Scribner out of retirement.

4. Chiefs remaining QBs: When I hear the name Ingle Martin IV, I feel like they are too high up on this list. There is a very good chance I-Mart IV could actually see action. did Herm Edwards lose a bet? Honestly? Its like when you play the computer in Madden and really want to challenge yourself, so YOU PLAY TYLER THIGPEN OR INGLE MARTIN IV AT QUARTERBACK! Talk about a couple of sweet jerseys to have though, right? They'd look good right between my Tommy Kramer and Steve Bono jerseys. Of course we'd require the IV be on the jersey, of course.

3. My NHL knowledge: I try and read up on the NHL, but the problem is I have no idea what any of the hockey writers are saying? I don't know if they are being funny, witty, complacent, egregious (mostly because I'm not even entirely sure what "egregious" even means) or straight and to the point? Also, I don't get a lot of the hockey references they make. That being said the Bourque Chops managed a 3-4-5 opening week. Could be worse, I suppose. If only I had Steve Kasper!

2. Larry Johnson: No, not "Grandmama"! LJ just plain irks me. Partially because last year I had the #3 pick in a fantasy football draft. At the time I would of looked like a schmuck had I not taken him, so I did. He was definitley not worthy of that pick, so I put a pox on his house! And partially because he seems like a big stupid. Pardon my French. (This is set up perfectly for Toastie comment that just reads, "Turn off the French!" A comment that would be funny to at least 57% of my fan base, and me! But that's a story for another time.)

1. Lions: Isn't it weird that both winless teams are named after jungle cats? No? Okay, isn't it weird that Dan Orlovsky is a starting NFL quarterback? Or that he's still probably better than any one of the Chiefs current options at QB? No, Quinn Gray doesn't count yet!

ROUNDOFFS: NOW 33% LESS COHERENT THAN THE LEADING BRAND

Crank up the Kajagoogoo it's "Roundoff" time! This week, we're kinda pressed for time, okay pressed for motivation I guess, so this is gonna be a little more quick and, well I'd like to say to the point, but that would be a flat out lie. So away we go.......

• Alright all Cubs fans who got sucked in again, raise your hands.
• Bye, bye Midwest baseball! Now if we can just lose the Dodgers, we'll show everyone why there's an east coast bias!
• Ryan Howard's hawking the Subway cheesesteak?! What?! That's like Brian Urlacher promoting Domino's Deep Dish Pizza, AJ Hawk talking about California cheese, Or Wayne Gretzky pushing American bacon! How dare he! I'm still gonna cheer for the Phils, but only cause the Dodgers are from out west!
• Looks like I was right on the money picking the Texans as my sleeper. I should have seen the error of my ways as soon as ESPN the magazine picked them as their sleeper. Other notable ESPN "sleeper" picks, The Tigers, Butterbean, Sanjaya and Ralph Nader. I can't believe I missed that.
• So far I'm not impressed with the new fall shows. Although that debate show they have every week shows promise. But I think we need someone other than politicians to really spice it up. Maybe like Oprah and Letterman, or Jessica Simpson and a fifth grader, I dunno?
  
• Hey Chicago, at least the Bears aren't bad.
• Red Sox in 6, Phils in 7
• Really is there anyone scarier looking than Al Davis?
• Alright is there anyone living that is scarier looking than Al Davis?
• Sorry Bills fans, I really did knock on wood, when I said they'd should ease past 'Zona.
  
• Sorry Lions fans, its gonna take longer than a week to exorcise Matt Millen's demon.
• I still say the winner of the NFC West may only have 7 wins.
• The Colts could very well be winless. Thank goodness, for the media's sake, they're not.
• I'm sick of all this Kimbo Slice talk! Unless he's gonna patent a meat slicer, call it the Kimbo Slicer, and sell it for 19.95, I don't care!
  
• Gianluca Palliucca
• I think the NFL should add "rouges".
• I can't tell one Grammatica from the other.
• Jon Lester is the best Sox lefty since Bruce Hurst!
• Dick Enberg, "Randy Moss makes the catch and finds himself in the middle of a tackle sandwich!" Mmmmmm, tackle sandwich!
• Please punch the next person you here say, "These aren't your father's Rays!"
  
• But let's face it, these aren't your father's Rays.
• I'd be alright if we sold the state of Florida to help with the economy. Who's with me?! Come on, honestly would ya miss it? Would ya?
  
• The Colorado Avalanche have both Adam Foote and Jeff Finger on their roster. I think they are also currently scouting Paul Leg, Jim Head and Rob Toe.
  
• Remember when people were scared of Ladanian Tomlinson and not Ronnie Brown?
• "Bitterness" obscure retro player of the week: Cleveland Gary
• JaMarcus Russell shall henceforth be known as Suck-a-Tron 3000
• Perfect name for a Ryan Leaf biography: A Leaf Less Ordinary.

And now your Faygo Futile Fifteen:
15. Ozzie Guillen: Said "Eff the Cubs!" Hope he doesn't live in the Windy City in the off-season.

14. Sarah Palin: Do I really need to explain?

13. Ladanian Tomlinson: Used to be the best player in football.

12. Anyone trying to stop the Dolphins "Wildcat" formation: Since when is Ronnie Brown the talk of the town.

11. Peyton Manning and the Colts offense: They could very easily be 0-4, and Peyton Manning's QB rating is lower than JaMarcus Russell's.

10. Steelers in primetime: 5 games, 3 in primetime. Good balance.

9. The Economy: Unless this "Bailout" is lowering the price of beer or cheese, I don't see its direct impact on me.

8. Herm Edwards: He never seems to be mentioned as being on the hot seat, but he's one 2 out of his last 18 or more games.

7. Sage Rosenfels: Pretty decent game botched by botched by some pretty huge turnovers late.

6. The very, very, very creepy Al Davis.

5. Kansas City: When does that college basketball season start?

4. Cubs fans: You know what they say, we'll get 'em next century.

3. Larry Johnson: Seven carries for 2 yards. Two?! The best part is his longest carry was for four yards! That means his other six went for negative one yard.

2. Rams: The Haslett era begins in 5 days! Should end in little over 90.

1. Lions: Jump to the one spot, with the Rams bye.

Tune in next week, when we'll learn the true meaning of life and make fun of it!

WHAT? YOU THOUGHT NO FAYGO FUTILE FIFTEEN?

15. Roy Williams to the 'Boys rumor: Terrible, terrible idea! That ruins any chance of Roy Williams covering Roy Williams in a game.

14. The Mets bullpen: Alright, I know I just had Keith Hernandez make amends to Mets fans for us, but this was written before that. And honestly, tell me its not true Mets fans. G'head.

13. Derek Anderson's "swagger": Mr. Anderson told Peter King, that this was all it took to get their swagger back. Um, they beat the Bengals by 1. I think derek and I have altogether different definitions of the term "swagger".

12. Travis Henry: If he goes to jail, what happens to the 9 kids owed child support? Is is just me or will the Buffalo High School football programs be domoninant in like 11 years?

11. Lawrence "Police Blotter" Phillips: Man if a warden can get Rae Carruth, Travis Henry and LP in the same cage as Mike Vick, I'm thinking ESPN reality show! And it'll be called The Shortest Yard.

10. Griese bandwagon: Everyone was all over him after his "big day" against the Bears. But what they fail to highlight, is the three inrterceptions he threw or that he completed barely over 50% of his passes.

9. Jets throwback uniforms: Good gawd! talk about atrocious personified! What's the point of this? Besides making money, hmmm?

8. Eagles goal line plunge: Where's the naked bootleg when you need it?!

7. Browns-Bengals: I don't even want to think about it anymore.

6. Terrell Owens: T.O. wants the ball more. What is he Keyshwan Johnson? By the way, if you haven't already read this somehwhere, his number was called on about a third of the Cowboys snaps last week. The only way he's probably getting more touches, is if he lines up under center.

5. Matt Millen: The best line I heard about this, and sorry I forget where I read it, was something along the line of, "The worst part will be what happens when he tells Webster and Ma'am." Kudos!

4. Lane Kiffin: If you look deep, he really wasn't doing that poorly. But he makes the FFF cause I really don't htink he was even trying for the last couple of weeks.

3. Scott Linehan: I know it was inevitable that he would get fired and wanted to stir things up, but benching your QB and causing a virtual player mutiny, probably not the best plan of attack.

2. Al Davis: Are we even sure he's actually alive?

1. Rams: Okay, I understand letting Linehan go, but Jim Haslett?! He seems like a decent guy and at the very least he did not run the Saints franchise into the ground, but how did he win this "choice" job? His defense is giving up roughly 75 points a game, give or take 40 points. Apparently Rich Kotite and Bruce Coslett don't return phone calls?