Wednesday, November 05, 2008


15. Oakland Raiders: At this point it's really hard to figure out how in the heck the Raiders won two games. I mean honestly, how is this possible?

14. Bill Belichik: Looked pretty foolish running onto the field to waste your team's last time out there Billy boy.

13. Jaguars: Hey you lose to a previously winless team this late in the season, you make the "Futile Fifteen"! What happened to that power running game? The Jags were one of those up and coming, teams of the future. They better figure out how to open up some holes to run through, and fast!

12. Mike Singletary's Pants: Hey if I were Mike Singletary I'd never wear pants.

11. Rex Grossman: Welcome back Rex! There are not a lot of QBs in this league that make fans miss Kyle Orton, but you are one of them.

10. David Thomas:
Creator of the Spicy Chicken Sandwich or not, that was a bonehead play on Sunday night, pretty much costing your team a shot to tie a close game. Don't get me wrong, I am with you, they coddle everyone. I mean the best time to get an edge on your opponent is when they are least expecting it, am I right? And is there a time when they'd expect it less than after the whistle has blown? Maybe when shaking hands after the game. Yeah, you could get a good pop in there. But maybe for now just play by those "strict" rules of the NFL, preventing hitting after the whistle, I guess?

9. Al Davis: Raiders fans' only hope is that Al Davis gets fully encompassed by senility and fires himself. I, for one, cannot envision any other way for this franchise to turn itself around.

8. Oakland Raiders:
I'm sorry, but they only mustered 77 yards of offense on Sunday. Seventy-seven! That warrants more than one spot in the "Futile Fifteen". That's the kind of number you give up playing against a computer controlled Raiders in Madden! And then you check the stats after your game and you say to yourself, "Man, how unrealistic is this video game, that I only gave up 77 yards of offense to the computer? That would never happen in the NFL." In fact, its probably even pretty rare in Madden. Unless you're on rookie level or something?

7. Denver Broncos:
Now they don't earn a spot just for losing to Miami. The Dolphins are after all, at .500. No, it has to do with losing three in a row and four out of five. After a 3-0 start that had everyone thinking Jay Cutler and the Broncs were the cat's meow, they have gone 1-4. Our very own "Stat Man" John points out, the Broncos offense averaged 38 PPG during that 3-0 stretch, while averaging a meager 15 some odd points per game since. That's, not so good. Although, for what it's worth, they are still in first place in the AFC West.

6. Dallas Cowboys back-up quarterbacks:
We're not generally prone to agree with or endorse Peter King, but he was right this week when he said the good teams are the one's prepared for the future. The Cowboys are clearly one of those teams who are not. I am not gonna get that down on Brad Johnson, who seemed like he might be serviceable, but he and Brooks Bollinger do not a scary threat make. Apparently its been 7 years since Dallas has drafted a quarterback. I mean sure, they probably thought Quincy Carter had another quality decade in him, but you still need a contingency. I mean look at Aaron Rodgers, Kevin Kolb, Matt Schaub, etc. These guys were not drafted to start right away, but were a decent backup plan. Cowboys QB coach, Jason Garret is supposed to be to developing quarterbacks what Shirtless Gutenburg is to providing quality entertainment. Why not draft a QB for him to develop? Too easy? Yeah, its probably better to focus efforts on signing malcontents, criminals and primadonnas. I mean young QBs you can mold are a dime a dozen, but a guy like "Pacman" Jones, who is prone to jail time, doesn't just come along every day.

5. Derek Anderson: Adios Derek! Its time for Brady Quinn "Medicine Woman" to take the reigns of this sinking ship. I like the Browns, but I'm rooting for BQ to flop (fingers crossed). He's just so much fun, and easy, to make fun of.

4. Larry Johnson: A picture says a thousand words!

3. NFC West teams that don't rhyme with Schmardinals: Yes these three teams are a combined 6-18, with only the Rams showing any signs of life. And even those brief flashes of hope for the Rams were pushed back down on Sunday in the form of a 34-13 drubbing at the hands of 'Zona. It'll be hard for the Cardinals to not make the playoffs, but if anyone defy the odds like that, it would be Arizona.

2. Lions:
The Lions appear right on the cusp of winning a game, but they're still winless, and thus still "Futile Fifteen" material. Plus, no Kitna.

1. Oakland Raiders:
And setting a new "Bitterness" record for appearances in a "Futile Fifteen" with three, the Oakland Raiders! (smattering of applause). Come on 77 yards?! They're lucky they didn't take up every spot in the "Futile Fifteen". "Stat Man" John provides us with this: Ten running backs rushed for more yards than the Raiders in Week 9. 18 receivers caught for more yards than the Raiders in Week 9. Abram Elam in one play, an interception return for a touchdown, amassed more yards than the Raiders in Week 9. Good grief! That's not so good, Al.

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