WEEK 12: BRIDGE TO KITNABITHIA

49ERS @ COWBOYS: A classic NFC showdown.....in the early 80s. But these are not your daddy's Niners and Tom Rathman is not gonna come strolling through that door San Francisco. Now it's Romo's pinkie versus pants-less Singletary. As intimidating as a pants-less Singletary walking the sideline can be, my imaginary money is on the golden pinkie. Cowboys 24-13.

RAIDERS @ BRONCOS: The Raiders may play this one a little tighter than their week one match-up, but in the end the Raiders are still the Raiders, and that accounts for a lot. Or nothing? Depending on how you look at it, I guess. Broncos 31-13.

BENGALS @ STEELERS:
Steelers 21-10.

BUCCANEERS @ LIONS: The Lions were supposed to be "Tampa North", but that idea quickly went south, after about, oh, one quarter. Now the Lions are lucky to be called "Winnipeg South". CFL? Anyone? I know its not the same without rouges, but come on! Alright that was a lame joke. The Lions are lucky to be called "Ollie North"? No? Um, hows about the Lions are not good? Yeah? Eh, let's move on. Buccaneers 27-10.

BEARS @ RAMS: Lovie Smith's return to St. Louie. Should be a nice little homecoming for him, seeing as the Rams have been less than good for all but, let's say, three games. The Rams have lost four in a row, the last three by a score of 116-32. So much for Jim Haslett resurrecting the Rams. Bears 28-16.

REDSKINS @ SEAHAWKS: A word problem: The Seattle Seahawks are very bad and do not score many points. The Redskins are a solid playoff contender who do not give up many points. If the two meet what will the final score be? Mr. Hasselbeck? "We can do the math." So can we. Redskins 23-7.

BILLS @ CHIEFS: I don't really even know what to say to Bills fans. Maybe the Bills should not play on Monday nights? I mean if there's a team that has the "excruciating, heartbreaking, gut wrenching, bang your head against a wall, Roseanne Barr singing the national anthem, suicide inducing loss at home on Monday Night Football" down pat, it is the Bills. Well Bills fans, you got a nice afternoon game in Kansas City to help ease the pain. Bills 27-17.

TEXANS @ BROWNS: I think it pretty safe to reasonably say that Brady Quinn is Cleveland's savior. Give him the key to the city. Erect him a statue in the town square. Name a street or perhaps a boulevard after him. LeBron who? In fact, instead of Cleveland, why not rename it Brady Quinn, Ohio? The Brady Quinn Cavaliers? Has a nice ring to it. Maybe get playful, and have the Brady Quinn-diands? No? He's still unproven ya say? Um, well I beg to differ. If the media has taught me anything its that we don't need to wait for any sort of proof whatsoever to anoint someone the next great thing. Plus its pretty obvious that Brady Quinn is this year's Tony Romo. Right? Browns 27-21.

GIANTS @ CARDINALS: Kurt Warner Bowl? The last time the Giants were in the desert they were covered in confetti, galavanting, frolicking, showering each other with beer, champagne, and who knows what else. But in that game the Patriots were also on the road. This time around the Giants will have to face the tenants of that stadium, and be the favorites. I don't really know where I was going with that. Giants 31-27.

JETS @ TITANS: Look for another "classic" Favre game, one where he's a gunslinging that ball to and fro, all the livelong day. I'm thinking a line something like 16-33, 179 yards, 3 interceptionS and no TDs. But somehow, in Peter King's mind this will be a brilliant effort against a tough Titans "D". Only the great Brett Favre could possibly throw incompletions and picks with such gusto! Such panache! Such joie de vive! Titans 24-12.

COLTS @ CHARGERS: Should make for an interesting Sunday nighter between two underachievers. I'd be inclined to say that the Chargers "D" will pose a bigger threat than the Texans "D", but these days I'm not so sure. Chargers 23-21.

RAVENS @ EAGLES: You had best believe that the Ravens are mad as heck after the Giants ran all over them last week. Plus the Eagles will be less prepared, since the first half of the week was like story time, with Andy Reid reading his team the NFL rule book. Other rules the Eagles were unaware of: you do not have to run the ball into a wall of defenders three straight times when on the goal line. For every fifty yard plus field goal your kicker makes he is to be awarded a comely lass of virtue true. And you actually never, under any circumstance, should throw the ball to Todd Pinkston. Could've been helpful years ago. 17-17 tie.

PACKERS @ SAINTS: Packers. Saints. Green and yellow. Black and gold. Rodgers. Brees. Football. Playoff hopes. New Orleans. Superdome. Mixed drinks. Katrina references. Rowdy fans. Cajun food. Beads. The fluer-de-lis. Inane Kornheiser remarks. Are you ready for some football? Packers 31-28.

PATRIOTS @ DOLPHINS: We'll let Joey Porter field this one- "Yeah, yeah, it's me J-Peezy here to let you know that J-Peezy don't forget nothing. J-Peezy has list of grudges longer than my Mr. Goodbar, which is pretty dag-gone long, see. Right now that sad sack, boring as crap, fashionally challenged, monotony speaking, brainiac bookworm Bill Belichik is up near the top of J-Peezy's grudge list! I took it to him up in his house, but I ain't done witchoo yet Billy boy, oh no, you about to feel the pain once again! You won't even know what hitcha! It'll be like you're expecting hummus and BOOM! here comes the Taboule!" Well, I think that about says it all. Patriots 21-17.

PANTHERS @ FALCONS: Big game in the NFC South, heck in the whole NFC. Panthers are probably the quietest 8-2 team ever (our people are forwarding that as we speak). Jake Delhomme's mediocrity has been masked in recent weeks by a solid defense, and a dominant running game. The Panthers won the first meeting up in Charlotte, fairly handily, so Matty Ice and the "Dirty Birds" is gonna have to strap on their big boy pants. They're about to be involved in an angry cock fight and are gonna need to keep their heads on a swivel! Falcons 17-16.