WEEK FIVE: ROCK'EM SOCK'EM KITNA

Less games, less "Bitterness". Or at least that will be my excuse for a slightly abbreviated post this week. The real excuse is, like so many of you, I will be waiting in line for tickets to repeated showings of Real Steel, aka Rock'em Sock'em Robots: The Movie. Don't try and deny it, I know some of you are reading this on your smart phones while you wait in line to be one of the first on your block to see it, right now! So with this epic surefire Oscar winner out in theaters, I'm gonna go all board game on your respective behinds this week! Milton Bradley and the Parker Brothers will be proud! Like wth many other weeks, I flipped a coin to decide almost every game.

CHIEFS @ COLTS (-2.5): UNO! That is the number of wins these teams have. Combined. The Colts have shown some moxie, but are in desperate need of one of them "reverse" cards to change their luck. CHIEFS 23-19

CARDINALS @ VIKINGS (-2.5): The Vikings are all hungry, hungry hippos for that first win and just like last week, I think this is the week! VIKINGS 28-21

EAGLES @ BILLS (+2.5): Bills took their first loss last week, so they ain't in Candyland anymore! Yeah, I have no idea what that means. BILLS 23-18

RAIDERS @ TEXANS (-6): You may want to Skip-"bo" watching this one, but it could be an interesting battle as the Raiders look like they may be feisty most of the season. TEXANS 34-27

SAINTS @ PANTHERS (+6.5): Feels like this could be a classic "mouse" trap game. Panthers have been close and Cam Newton has been ridonkulous for the most part. This could be similar to the battle against the Texans, somehow. SAINTS 38-35

BENGALS @ JAGUARS (-2.5): The Bengals have been up and down like a mad game of Chutes and Ladders. Two rookie QBs lock horns in this one and it seems like anyone's game. I'm going with the Bengals and their momentum. BENGALS 24-20

TITANS @ STEELERS (-3): Your rock'em sock'em slugfest of the week! CJ broke 100 yards last week, but just when he gets goin, he faces the Steelers D who have given up like two 100-yd rushing games to a back in their last 852 games. I am looking into confirming that number, but it sure looks like Turn and Coughlin is headed to 0-5. Sigh. TITANS 17-11

SEAHAWKS @ GIANTS (-9.5): Yahtzee! This is this week's "game I could not care less about!" GIANTS 27-20

BUCCANEERS @ 49ERS (-3): Buccaneers, do not pass "GO", do not collect your fourth win, the 49ers will have a monopoly on the good plays in this one. NINERS 21-14

JETS @ PATRIOTS (-9): Belichik and Rex Ryan will engage in Stratego like battle once again. This could go either way and I am not seeing where this spread came from. While the Pats still have last year's playoff game in the back of their minds their defense has played quite awfully thus far. PATRIOTS 31-28

CHARGERS @ BRONCOS (+4): SORRR-y, Broncos, you just aren't good enough. Is this the week we see Tim Tebow actually factor in? Do I really care? CHARGERS 35-21

PACKERS @ FALCONS (+6): A rematch of last year's playoff game when Aaron Rodgers carved the Falcons up like an Operation champ! Shouldn't be much different this time around! PACKERS 33-23


BEARS @ LIONS (-5.5): Not much of a clue on this one. Will it be Professor Forte with his running in the Lions secondary or Colonel Stafford with his Megatron in the end zone? Coinflip says.... LIONS 31-27

And now your cheese! Well, Pa- CHEESE.......i:

The seemingly immortal Jamie Moyer recently broke Robin Roberts' record for career home runs given up. Now while having given up more home runs than any other pitcher in basbeball seems fairly dubious, it is also a testament to Moyer's longevity. Longevity, of course does not equal greatness, but to a point, it does equal above averageness. Moyer has never been "great", but there is a certain something to be said for someone who remains serviceable for over two decades. But enough argle bargle! We here at "Bitterness" thought it be fun to go inside the many dingers given up by Jamie Moyer. First, a big thanks to Baseball-Reference, and away we go!

• His first home run given up was to Juan Samuel, the current interim-manager for the Orioles.
  
• He's given up home runs to six current Hall of Famers
  
• He's given up homers to Glenn, Eric, Chili and Chris Davis. Juan, Alex, Wiki, Alex and Adrian Gonzalez. Joneses, Tracy, Ron, Andruw and Chipper. Molinas, Bengie and Jose, but not Yadier.
• He's given up homers to Tony Pena and his son Tony, Jr. which no other pitcher can say.
• He's given up long flies to several Royals, Jeff King and Prince Fielder.
• He also gave up a homer to Prince Fielder's dad Cecil
• Home run #103 was given up to Greg Vaughn. #104? That was given up to Mo Vaughn
• He's been taken deep by a Huskey, a Hardy and a Braun
• Manny Ramirez has the most homers off of Moyer
  
• Brooks, Boggs, Bay and even an Overbay have taken Moyer out of the park
• He's given up long balls to Raines and Snow
• He's been taken deep in the first inning more than any other inning
  
• Kevin Bass, Tim Salmon, Benji Gil, a Marlin and a Devil Ray have all gone deep off of Moyer
• Bill Madlock and Dave Justice have taken him over the wall
• He's given homers to someone from every continent except for Antarctica
  
• Gates, Wells and Stairs also homered off of him
• He's given up bombs to Brewers, Rangers, Mariners, Fielders, a Hunter and a Sander
• Red Sox, White Sox and one Schu have taken him deep
• He's been taken deep by Phillies, a Phil and a Phillips
  
• Blue Jays, Cardinals and Orioles have hit long balls off of him
  
• He's been taken deep by a Wade, a Trot and a Pat
• A Herr and a Man-ny have homered off him
  
• And he's given up dingers to a Hill and a Dale, but no Valle

WTF?!

With the Major League Baseball at it's All-Star break, it's of course time for the "47th Annual Bitterness is a Fish You Can Catch All-W.T.F. Teams". For those of you who missed the announcing of the previous 46 years of "Bitterness is a Fish You Can Catch All-WTF Teams" and don't know what W.T.F. is, it stands for "What The Fiddlesticks?!" You see these are teams comprised of players that have produced stats in the first half of the season that are, let us just say, not in tune, with their expected production. Now we don't divvy up the teams by leagues. Oh, no-no, we divide them by whether their stats are above or below expectations. So, without further ado, on with the show:

TEXAS OUT-OF-RANGERS
C-John Buck, Blue Jays- Like many of the Blue Jays, Big Buck Hunter has been htting a bit above his paygrade.

1B-Troy Glaus, Braves- The oft-injured Glaus, has been more like a semi-Glaus the past couple seasons, but even a healthy Glaus and his aging bones are out hitting expectations.

2B-Kelly Johnson, Diamondbacks- Now sure, I did have Rage KJ as a preseason fantasy sleeper, seeing as how he all but disappeared off of everyone's radar last season, but he has done way more than even I could have ever imagined.

3B-Casey McGeehee, Brewers- A solid start to his career last season, but me thinks he be hittin' a bit over his head.

SS-Alex Gonzalez, Blue Jays- Sea Bass, yes Sea Bass (thanks to Baseball-Refernce for that nickname tidbit), has bopped 17 dingers thus far, a total that he has only topped twice in his 11 previous major league seasons.

OF-Jose Bautista, Blue Jays- He's already beaten his career high tater total (try saying that five times fast!) at the break! In fact he's already beaten that career tater total by 8!

OF-Chris Young, Diamondbacks- Now sure, he's had plenty of hype, and the dingers are for real, but his average is up above where it belongs. Regression is on the way!

OF-Nick Swisher, Yankees- Much like C.Y., Swisher's home runs are no lie, with that right field porch in Yankee Stadium being like 50 feet from home plate. But also like C.Y., the average is due for a regression.
BENCH
3B-Scott Rolen, Reds- Much like Troy Glaus, Rolen has been oft-injured and is raking like he's 27 again, which makes ya take a bit of a double take when you see the numbers.

IF-Ty Wigginton, Orioles- Wiggy was gettin jiggy early on, and yes he's cooled, but not enough to not make the 2010 overachiever squad.

OF-Alfonso Soriano, Cubs- He's been on a steady decline the past few years and a major drain on the Cubbies' financially. Now, while he's no longer a 40-40 candidate, he could get back to the 30 homer mark, and that's something of a surprise.

OF-Cory Hart, Brewers- He hasn't been wearing his sunglasses at night, and that seems to have made all the difference. Dude's got 65 steaks at the break, which is impressive for a guy who has never managed more than 91 in a season, in his short career. Either he's finally putting it altogether or he's just having a ridiculously lucky first half.
IF-Juan Uribe, Giants- It's possible that if Charlie Manuel wanted a good utility guy for the All-Star team, he could have chosen Uribe over Omar Infante. Seeing as how Uribe has been far better than the worse All-Star ever picked, that was not his team's sole representative.

PITCHERS
R.A. Dickey, Mets- Nothing really pointed to this breakout in Flushing.

Barry Zito, Giants- Were the stories of his demise, greatly exaggerated?

Carlos Silva, Cubs- Silva was just about literally the worst regular starting pitcher in the league last year, so even a mediocre start to this year would have landed him on this team.

Carl Pavano, Twins- Pavano's actually pitching like everyone thought he would after that '04 campaign. Who woulda thunk it?
Jon Rauch, Twins- A lot of people went into "panic mode" when Joe Nathan went down in Spring Training, but Rauch has more than stepped up.

Matt Capps, Nationals- No one, okay not a lot of people, saw Cappie being a solid closer for the Nats and that's good enough for "Bitterness"!

MYLANTA BRAVES
C-Matt Wieters, Baltimore Orioles- A bit harsh, since he barely has a full season under his belt, sure. He has been decent, but he was spit out of the Hype-a-tron 3000, and while that's not his fault, it'll still land him on the 2010 underachievers.

1B-Mark Tiexeira, Yankees- Another slow start for Tex, but unlike past years, he really hasn't turned it on yet.

2B-Aaron Hill, Blue Jays- A former All-Star, who actually finished 12th in AL MVP voting last year, hitting below the Mendoza Line? Welcome to the team!

3B-Aramis Ramirez, Cubs- Aramis was terrible, then got injured, came back and started hitting somewhat. So he may be back on track, but the first half numbers are still bad, so he makes the squad.

SS-Yunel Escobar, Braves- Not a superstar by any means, but he's been solid in his short MLB career, and this year has been abysmalistic for YEscobar.

OF-Adam Lind, Blue Jays- After a breakout campaign last season, Lind has been struggling mightily, even going several weeks between multi-hit games.

OF-Shane Victorino, Phillies- The Flyin' Hawaiian has seen a lot more of hits fly outta the park, but his BA and OBP, are way down. But the dude can rock a white suit!

OF-Jason Bay, Mets- I'm thinking that maybe, just maybe, the Metropolitans were looking for a bit more than 6 dingers at the break from the Bayniac. And before anyone blames the power outage on his playing in the vast expanses of Citi Field, just know he has almost 30 more homers on the road in his career. Even whilst playing with the Red Sox last year, he hit 15 HRs at Fenway, while socking 21 on the road!

BENCH
OF-Melky Cabrera, Braves- Now no one was expecting an All-Star season out of the "Melk Man", but .259, 3 HRs and 24 RBIs?

IF-Chone Figgins, Mariners- Not surprising to me, but until recently, the much ballyhooed off-season signing by the Ms, had been a major disappointment.

3B-Chase Headley, Padres- A solid finish to last season, had Chase as a sleeper going into 2010, but after a hot start, Headley has been merely mediocre.

1B-Carlos Pena, Rays- No one was expecting Carlos to compete for any batting titles, but .203 is bad, even for him. Couple that with a .415 slugging percentage, and he ends up here.

2B-Akinori Iwamura, Pirates- Iwamura looked like a sneaky good signing by the Buccos, but he has been awful, and lost his starting gig to rookie Neil Walker.

PITCHERS
Ricky Nolasco, Marlins- Going into last year Ricky was one of the up and coming pitchers in the majors. So what did he do? Pitched so badly, he was sent to Triple-A. He then returned and pitched to expectations in the second half, leaving him ready to make the emerge as an ace this year, right? Wrong. Once again Nolasco has struggled in the first half, although not as mightily as in '09, but mightily enough to earn a spot on this squad.

Dan Haren, Diamondbacks- Usually, Danny boy saves his struggles for the second half, but I guess he decided to get ahead this year.

Wandy Rodriguez, Astros- "Magic" Wandy, has been anything but, this year. He took a big leap forward last year, but must not have said, "Mother may I?" as he has fallen way back this season.

Javier Vazquez, Yankees- While it comes as no surprise to this blogger, Javy's return to the A.L., has been a bit shaky. Oh, and if you think it's because of his home park, think again. His E.R.A. is actually higher on the road.

Carlos Zambrano, Cubs- Unless you live under a rock that does not get MLB Network, you don't need this one explained.

Trevor Hoffman, Brewers- We all knew age was catching up with the all-time saves leader, but it appears to have not only caught up with him, but also tossed him around a bit and stole his ability to get guys out.

Joba Chamberlain, Yankees- The supposed heir apparent to Mariano Rivera's throne in New York, is carrying an E.R.A. up over 5.00 at the break. Yikes!

Well there are your "47th Annual Bitterness is a Fish you Can Catch All-W.T.F. Teams"! Hope you enjoyed and keep on, keep on truckin'!

THE SCIENCE OF MARK TEXIERA

This is Josh Peck from Nickelodeon's Drake and Josh circa 2003, or is it? Is it "Josh"? Is it?! Or is it Mark Texiera, who has somehow mastered the intricacies of the space-time continuum and possibly cloning, when he was fourteen? Goin' back in time, creating an alternate self, changing his name so he could pursue his first love, acting? Hmmm? Hmmm?! Two Mark Texieras in one universe?! Or is it two Josh Pecks?! bet your mind is blown. But for further proof, I give you Exhibit X:



A picture is worth a thousand words, my friends.

IRABU-YAH?!

Earlier in the season I had wondered to myself what happened to Gustavo Chacin and the within a couple of days I saw a little blurb that he was in the Phillies system. Last week I mentioned how I miss Hideki Irabu so, and the next day I read that he has started his comeback tour (in the same rotation as Jose Lima nonetheless)! This got me thinking, do I have some sort of weird ability to think about certain former Major Leaguers, only to have them reappear in our lives? Could it be true? Well, one can only hope. But I need something to put it to the test, so I have decided to compile a list of Major Leaguers who just kind of dropped off of the baseball map, in our opinion, all too early, that we feel should make a comeback:

• Kirk Rueter
• Rocky Biddle
• Scott Spiezio
• Jung Bong
  
• Jeremi Giambi
• Alex Sanchez (one steroid bust and he just disappears?)
• Bob Hamelin (aw Hambone! You were the next Billy Jo Robidoux! And now, you are, well, almost actually, Billy Jo Robidoux. If you don't make a comeback can you please hunt down Billy Jo Robidoux and collaborate on some sort of project? Possibly a rib joint?)
  
• Benny Agbayani
  
• "Crazy" Carl Everett (come on, he ain't no dinosuar for crying out loud!)
  
• Luis Rivas
• Roger Cedeno
• Junior Spivey
  
• Rickey Ledee
  
• Byung-Hyun Kim (there was always something dirty sounding about his name?)
  
• Ben Grieve
• Kevin Mench (a real Mench!)
  
• Matt Franco
• Antonio Alfonseca
• Ugueth Urbina (well, okay he's in some third world prison, but one can dream)
• Shane Spencer
• Sean Burroughs
• Nook Logan (um, awesome nickname, we need him to help heal the country)
  
• Choo Freeman (see above)
  
• Ken Harvey
  
• Jason Simontacci
• Tike Redman (once the Pirates future, then....?)
  
• Wes Obermueller
• Rube Baker
  
• Scott Sauerbeck
  
• Eli Marrero (he's a stud in EA Sports MVP Baseball '05, what happened?)
  
• Amaury Telemaco
• Tomakazu Ohka
• Jonathan Lipnicki (okay, not a baseball player, but we think its time)
  
• Shea Hillenbrand
• Carlos Febles
  
• Tanyon Sturtze
• Timo Perez
• Hee-seop Choi (he can sop anything he wants, am I right?)
  
• Esteban Yan (hee-hee his name rhymes)
  
• Billy Koch

Alright, well now its just fingers crossed time.

ROUNDOFFS: HGH FREE BASEBALL PREVIEW

• Okay, can everyone stop asking who this year's Rays will be, as if what they did last year, is common occurrence? No perennial last place teams will make the World Series this year. But the team with the best shot is probably the Royals, who could make the playoffs. Their division is probably the most wide open, and they have mad key, albeit unsexy, improvements. But, having said that, I think a lot of people are calling this and ready to jump on the Royal bandwagon, which usually means it won't happen.
• As for the Rays, they were not a fluke!
• And this year's Rays can't be last year's Rays, its scientifically impossible.
• For what the Yankees spent in the off-season, you'd think they'd have less holes. That outfield is intimidating though with Brett Gardner, Xavier Nady and Johnny Damon. Look out!
• Though, Giambi did leave a big thong to fill.
• Kinda wish Phil Coke and Rocky Cherry pitched out of the same bullpen, for nice 1-2 punch of Cherry-Coke.
• I don't buy into David Price. There, I said it! To be quite honest it looked he was given a large strike zone in the playoffs, which won't continue.
• Here are some names you should look out for this season: Scott Lewis and Josh “Don't call me Richard” Geer.
• I love Jon Lester and his story, but look for him to hit the DL at least once this year.
• I mean, why did Terry Francona all of sudden turn into Dusty Baker? He just let Lester pitch and pitch.
• I don't know what the Giants financials look like, but I think Manny would've been a good investment for them. Not that Bengie Molina and Fred Lewis aren't a formidable 3-4 or anything.
• Where have you gone Hideki Irabu?
• Another team on the rise? How about the Reds? They could very well win their division. If Aaron Harang returns to form, Bronson Arroyo has a solid year, Edison Volquez builds on last year, Johnny Cueto lives up to the hype, and the Cubs flop, which let's face it could happen. They are after all, the Cubs.
• I don't find Ryan Braun all that attractive. Now Tim Lincecum on the other hand.....
• Terry Francona is overrated.
• You heard it here first, Russel Branyan will quite possibly have a career year!
• I haven't jumped on the Jacoby Ellsbury bandwagon just yet.
• As for Pedro Alvarez, well that's a whole 'nother story for a whole 'nother time.
• The Orioles could score quite a few runs this year. Only problem is, they don't have any way of preventing other teams from doing the same.
• Calling Kerry Wood a step up from Joe Borowski is like saying Ford is a step up from Chevy.
• For you fantasy baseball folks in deep leagues, pick up Mike Fontenot or Jed Lowrie if you want to win. Don't expect Chase Utley-like numbers, but don't expect Rickie Weaks numbers either. Fontenot can rake, and hit, plus he's in a potent lineup. Lowrie's not gonna hit 3 hunny, but he should get at least 75-80 RBIs, which is money for a late round SS in deep mixed or AL-only leagues.
• Looking for relief, watch out for Steven Shell. He will be the Nats closer, by season's end.
• Before you moan and groan at another celebrity trying his hand at baseball, that's Eric Stults on the Dodgers roster, not Mask (not to be confused with The Mask) star Eric Stoltz.
• The Marlins won't make the playoffs, but should be very, very pesky. I think this Hanley Ramirez fella, might be pretty good. Plus they may have the best starting rotation in the bigs. Sorry Texas.
• Stat you may not know: Gil Meche was in the top 5 in strikeouts last year, after the All-Star Break.
• Not really sure why everyone was so shocked that USA lost in the WBC? I mean, the Far East has been producing better quality products for quite some time. I didn't see any of the games as my American made VCR broke while recording.
• Now, of course when decent players retire, we inevitably get barraged with the old Hall of Fame debate. And most cases can be argued either way, but I feel that while stats are important, they shouldn't be the only factor. So I'm gonna say it, “Put him in! Corey Koskie deserves it!”
• This year's division winners will be: Red Sox, Twins (they're pitching is as solid as it gets), Angels (best in the AL West doesn't necessarily mean much), Phillies (um, they added Raul Ibanez, those lucky ducks), Reds (had to shake things up somewhere) and the Diamondbacks (they can pitch past the Dodgers).
• Wild Cards: Rays and Cubs
• MVPs: Ryan Braun and Carlos Quentin
• ROYs: Matt Wieters (call it a sleeper pick) and Jason Motte
• Cy Youngs: Josh Beckett and Johan Santana
• Comeback Players of the Year: Khalil Greene and Carl Pavano (all he's got do is hit like .245 and the award is his).
• This year's Ryan Ludwick: Russell Branyan
• K-Rod will not even reach 50 saves.
  
• This year's Cliff Lee: Javier Vasquez
• Batting Champs: Jimmy Rollins and Kevin Youkilis (Howie Kendrick if he stays healthy)
• Home Run Champs: Carlos Quentin and Ryan Howard
  
• This year's David Price: Daniel Bard?
• Its Sox over the Cubs in 6.
  

YIPPEE-KI-YAY MR FLACCO!

EAGLES @ CARDINALS: Talk about a Conference Championship for the birds! Hahaha. Well now that that's out of the way, on to bigger and better ballyhoo. If anyone said they thought the NFC would comedown to these two teams, than they are a filthy, dirty, no good liar. No one thought it at the beginning of the season. No one thought it half way through the season. No one thought in the last few weeks of the season. No one thought it when the playoffs started. No one thought it even, EVEN, before last weekend. Some people probably still don't think its happening. Some little poindexter might stroll up to you and say otherwise, but rest assured they are a liar. The first clue may be that their pants are on fire.

Now the Eagles are the more playoff seasoned, hard-nosed, dare I say grizzled, team in this affair. Whereas the Cardinals, are well the Cardinals. Right now I would say there are basically two schools of thought on this game. 1) The Cards will win or B) the Cards will lose. Scenario one has people drawing upon the Cards dismantling of the Cards and having a stout defense, stopping two of the best running teams in the league en route to the NFC Championship game. But where has this come from? This hasn't been a defense that has been known to make things happen,which brings us to scenario B. You see as nice a story as the Cards run is, I think, as do many I'm sure, that they are on borrowed time. In other words all goods things must come to an end, but who is to say that won't happen two weeks from now? Me that's who! Well, I mean I don't have any real power or say in the matter,or do I? I don't. But I feel like the clock is striking midnight on this magical Cardinals run. It just pheels like after the Phillies won, things are turning around in Philadelphia. I can't really say I'd be disappointed with either outcome in this one. But I'm gonna go with the Eagles 28-24.
RAVENS @ STEELERS: Alright, I'm just gonna go ahead and say it, can we just ease up on the Joe Flacco praise? Don't get me wrong, I like Joe Flacco. I mean, what's not to like? Awesome name, former Blue Hen, etcetera, etcetera. But can we just stop making him out to be the next Stan Humphries! Or some other great QB? I mean he's not exactly putting up blazing numbers or anything. Let's be honest if he didn't have a world class defense at his disposal, would he have gotten this far? Hmmm? Now managing the game is a big part of being a quarterback, but lets not go fitting him for a gold jacket or getting his bust ready for Canton, alright? That's all I'm saying. But onto the game.

This one promises to be a good ol' fashioned, knockdown, drag 'em out, kick ya in the crotch, slobberknocking, put grandma to bed, pass the spicy mustard, crank up the AC/DC, lock up the good china, dog fight! Lewis and Suggs, Farrior and Harrison. Much like the NFC Championship game, I don't really care who wins this one. But unlike the NFC Championship game, rather than being able to be happy with the outcome either way, I will be unhappy with the outcome of this one either, having a general dislike for both teams. While they say its hard to beat a team three times in one season, it has been done. So I don't hold much stock in that, but there is also the fact the Steelers have struggled at home in the Playoffs. In fact the last Super Bowl they went to they did it by winning three road playoff games. As intimidating as the "Ketchup packet" is supposed to be, the Steelers have managed to not have great playoff success there. Interesting? I think so. The Ravens are like the little Steelers. Almost a mirror image, but with slightly less talent. I gotta tell ya I think young Mr.Flacco and the Ravens "D" will keep them in the game, but in the end the Steelers will prevail. Steelers 17-13.

Either way should be a good day of football, enjoy!

WEEK SIXTEEN: KITNA FOR $800 ALEX

Alright we have a lot on our plate right now so we're gonna have to "quick hit" this weeks picks, with some help from Alex Trebeck:



COLTS @ JAGUARS: What is a game that looked better on the schedule before the season started? Colts 24-14.

RAVENS @ COWBOYS: What is a must win game? Ravens 21-17.

CARDINALS @ PATRIOTS: What is the Cardinals chance to prove themselves? Patriots 42- 35.

SAINTS @ LIONS: What is one game closer to futility history? Saints 45-28.

49ERS @ RAMS: What is a chance for both coaches to try and boost their odds of getting rehired? or What is a chance for Mike Singletary to drop his pants? Niners 24-13.


DOLPHINS @ CHIEFS: What is not Tyler Thigpen's coming out party? Dolphins 24-20.

BENGALS @ BROWNS: What is the battle of underachieving wideouts? Browns 23-20.

CHARGERS @ BUCCANEERS: What is a previously overrated team against a recently overrated team? Buccaneers 28-24.

STEELERS @ TITANS: What is the battle for AFC supremacy? Steelers 19-14.

TEXANS @ RAIDERS: What is a game of very little interest to anyone? Texans 35-17.

BILLS @ BRONCOS: What is "wait 'til next year"? Bills 23-21.

JETS @ SEAHAWKS: What is Brett Favre turning water into wine? Jets 31-21.

EAGLES @ REDSKINS: What is the NFC East toss-up game of the week? Redskins 14-13.


FALCONS @ VIKINGS: What is a rematch of a game Minnesotans are still drinking to forget? Falcons 23-21.

PANTHERS @ GIANTS: What is a battle of former Kerry Collins employers, looking for home field advantage throughout the NFC Playoffs? Panthers 24-16.

PACKERS @ BEARS: What is the game that could salvage a ho-hum Packer season in some minds? Bears 21-10.

WEEK FIFTEEN:

Little late with the picks this week, which you obviously already know. And since we're feelin' lazy this week, we thought we'd hand this week's picks over to a guest blogger. Someone who is more into ranting on Sundays. An icon in the journalism field. A man who has been spinnin' crazy for like a two hundred some odd years. That's right, the one, the only Andy Rooney.....


LIONS @ COLTS: If the Lions won a game, it would take a lot of the fun out of ridiculing them. Colts 31-17.

REDSKINS @ BENGALS: Some Indians are offended by the name "Redskins". Personally I find it offensive that people from India have any say in the matter. I liked Ghandi, he was a great house guest. Didn't eat much and picked up after himself. Now he's an Indian I respect. Redskins 23-14.

BILLS @ JETS: The average dog is a nicer person than the average person. Brett Favre is not your average person, he's from Mississippi. I was in Mississippi once, and that was one more time than I wanted to be. Bills 17-13.

49ERS @ DOLPHINS: Did you ever notice that 1930 "niners" smell like pickled onions? I don't know why, but its always made me like them. As for Dolphins, the only one I ever liked was Flipper. If he could have survived on land it would have been some sort of crazy science-fiction show, like Will and Grace. Dolphins 21-17.


CHARGERS @ CHIEFS: Some say the forward pass reinvented the game of football. But I still wouldn't play without wearing a helmet. Chargers 27-20.

TITANS @ TEXANS: When I eat ribs, I stuff a napkin in my shirt, so it folds out and covers the front. Some people think this is embarrassing, but I guess I'm just one of those kooks who doesn't like barbecue sauce on my shirt. Titans 10-9.

BUCCANEERS @ FALCONS: People will genuinely accept facts as truth only if the facts agree with what they already believe. Falcons 21-14.

PACKERS @ JAGUARS: The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50 percent chance of winning, there's a 90% probability you'll lose. Packers 27-17.

SEAHAWKS @ RAMS: I've never found the humor in flatulence. To me its about as funny as yawning and slightly less humorous than sneezing. Seahawks 35-27.

BRONCOS @ PANTHERS: Football's alright, but nothing quite matches the grace and carnage of a good ol' fashioned roller derby. Girls in short skirts on roller skates are the real athletes. Put a three hundred pound offensive lineman up on roller skates, and see what you get. Your bound to be entertained, but he won't. Panthers 27-17.

PATRIOTS @ RAIDERS: A great way to save money in these trying times, is to stop "mega-sizing" your fast food value meals. In most cases its not even worth the extra 39 cents, and before long you won't even miss it. Patriots 38-13.

STEELERS @ RAVENS: At a Christmas party last year I got drunk on rum raisin ice cream. It made me wonder why there's no scotch raisin ice cream? When I woke up the next morning I was on the floor in a puddle of scotch, heavenly hash ice cream and raisins. Come to think of it, there was no ice cream at that party. Steelers 24-21.


VIKINGS @ CARDINALS: In my mind "delicacy" is just another word for creepy, weird food that others won't want to eat. I mean, some foreign delicacies include bull testicles, monkey brains and eggplant. If slapping the word "delicacy" on them is supposed to make it more appetizing, then I'm the Easter bunny. Note: I am not, in fact, the Easter bunny. Cardinals 30-21.

GIANTS @ COWBOYS: We may never know what the smartest animal is, but I'd like to register my vote for the pigeon. Cowboys 24-23.

BROWNS @ EAGLES: Did you ever wonder what the deal is with this "Shirtless Gutenburg"? Where exactly is his shirt, and how did he lose it? Is this supposed to be entertaining? Cause I just don't get it? Sure we'd all just love to rip our shirts off, stick our hairy chests out and grin, but we don't. You never see a "Shirtless Rooney" do ya? Unless you're talking about that hack Mickey! Eagles 17-13.

ABOVE THE NORM

Figured no one saw this cause, well, it was the ESPYs. Watch for Ken Griffey Junior's reactions, they are priceless. Actually, not a lot of people know this, but Ken Griffey, Jr. was actually called the worst audience particpant Cirque du Soleil had ever seen until Wayne Jarvis came along. Enjoy!

SUNDAY MORNING AUDIBLES

Well, tis that time of year folks!

• Time for the Andy Reid and Donovan McNabb out of Philly speculations to hit us full force!
• For the Eagles to slowly fade out of the playoff picture, due to all the McNabb-Reid foofarah.
  
• For the Lions to decide who's future they are going to ruin by drafting them come April.
• For Jim Haslett to try and spruce up the old resume.
• For a primadonna, let's call him Chad, on a losing team to voice his opinions about upper management and being tired of losing, wanting to play somewhere else, and in no way trying to improve the team by playing better or motivating teammates.
• For Browns fans to start checking out the Indians offseason activity.
• For people to start wondering why there aren't more Thanksgiving movies? Or really any about the actual first Thanksgiving? I'm seeing Mel Gibson as Miles Standish? Just use the Braveheart/ Patriot template, but have their victory be supper with the natives. Either that or an action packed romp that will a-maize you! Jason Statham is....The Pilgrim. With Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson as Massasoit! Coming Fall of 2010!
• For Steelers fans to annoy the crap out of you. Well that one's actually all year round.
• For all the pundits to start comparing teams this season to those of last season. You know like, the Jets are looking a lot like last year's Giants, the Colts are looking a lot like last year's Giants, any team that struggled at the start of the season but is winning now is looking a lot like last year's Giants, and the Rams are looking a lot like last year's, well, Rams.
• For people to wonder why Wayne Fontes isn't coaching in the NFL?
• Or why Rod Marinelli is?
• Or why Marvin Lewis is?
• Or why Herm Edwards is?
• For Al Davis to give his army of the undead a few weeks off. Just kidding! He would never give them time off! There are souls to be harvested!
  
• For people to get extra mad that there's a Thanksgiving game they can't watch, cause the powers that be don't deem it necessary for everyone to get the NFL Network. Goddamit it's every American's God given right to watch the Eagles and Cardinals play! I'm pretty sure its one of the Amendments to the Constitution.
• For the Bills to give their fans that small glimmer of hope and once again miss the playoffs. Sorry Bills fans, no disrespect meant, but its true. But let me tell you this, its not your fault......its not your fault.........its not your fault.
• For America to fall in love with Peyton Manning all over again.
  
• For Chiefs fans to wonder when exactly their favorite squad is gonna start rebuilding.
• For Romeo Crennel to wonder if anyone would mind if he took the last peice of pumpkin pie?
• For us to watch 8700 Christmas movies that we've already watched 8700 times!
  
• For many to question the freshness of all those leftovers in the fridge? Just go by Tom Cable's motto, "if it ain't comletely green its clean!" Yes I know a lot of people are gonna say what about those left over peas and green beans, well the Cable Guy stands by his motto. I mean seriously does he look like I guy who's ordering the "mixed greens" as a side at dinner? Uh-uh. You are looking at slaw (extra mayo, and we don't mean Jerod) or baked bean man right there!
• Bills fans, its not your fault.
  
• For the Patriots to figure out what to get Coach Belichick for Christmas. Drew Bledsoe's still beating heart is high on the list, but by far the most tricky. They may just go with the old standby of a hooded sweatshirt with frayed sleeves. What? You thought that's how Belichick wants to dress? No, no, no. Those sideline outfits are gifts from the boys. Usually its Tedy Bruschi heading up the charge, but sometimes Forehead, I mean Vrabel, helps out. Double B just wears them for his team. Like when your dad wears that ugly light-up tie you got him for Father's Day, even though he hates it. Yeah, so think about that, the next time you make fun of BBs attire.
  
  
  
• For people to really latch onto those bandwagons! Let's say Arizona and, I dunno, Tennessee? Miami?
  
• For everyone to be bombarded with the media's, "Greatness of Favre" segments. Oh wait, that's another all year rounder.
• For Terrell Owens to blow up! Unfortuantely I don't mean in a literal sense, sorry. I mean in the sense that crazy will come shootin' out his mouth at an alarming rate.
  
• For Kerry Collins to break out his very special Egg Nog. Rumor has it he uses actual lighter fluid.
• Bills fans, I mean it! It is not your fault.
  
• For NFL Films to start getting those clever titles and narration ready to encapsulate the seasons of all 31 teams. You're probably wondering about the 31, huh? Well, this is breaking news that only we here at "Bitterness" have, but the Lions have actually seceded from the NFL. Okay, that's not true, but they do suck something awful. Its gonna be hard to put a shine on the Detroit Lions '08-'09 season. Lions Yearbook: If Losing Were Winning, They'd Be Pretty Great! or Lions: Lose or Die Trying! I'm sure they'll come up with something great! Somehow I don't think "The Roar and More" is gonna cut it.
  
  
  
• For Christmas Berman, see what I did there, to go out and stock up on more ugly suit jackets on sale! Maybe he'll see Craig Sager?
• And of course, for everyone to wonder just how dominant the Panthers would be if they still had Rae Carruth?
  

FAYGO FUTILE FIFTEEN

15. VINTAGE FAVRE?: Is anyone in the media ever going to admit that Favre is no longer God's gift to football? Its like he throws an interception, and the media's all, "Only Brett Favre could have the savvy to make that throw." If Brett Favre was ever thinking of killing someone, now would be the time.

14. BEARS: Surprisingly, this was Lovie Smith first loss as a head coach at Lambeau. But, oh what a loss it was. What happened to that super duper Bears defense, eh?

13. THE COLTS BEING BACK: No doubt the Colts offense looked impressive on Sunday. But the Bob Sanders-less defense looked, well, unimpressive. And let us not forget it was against the Texans. Yes that same, mighty, Texan defense that held the Ravens to 41 points last week. That very same, feisty, Texan squad that had lost back-to-back games, and came in with that very deceiving 3-6 record. Yes, that Texan team, folks.

12. ROMO'S FINGER: Romo's magical finger amazingly guides the 'Boys over the 'Skins? Yeah, right. Funny, I don't recall seeing Romo playing defense, did you? There's a slight chance they would have been in this game even with Brooks Bollinger under center.

11. RAVENS IMPENETRABLE RUN DEFENSE: The Giants quickly dismissed this notion, but Trevor Pryce was more than happy to explain, "The way it happened was a fluke." Thanks Trevor, I guess that sums it up.

10. NFC NORTH: The Bears were the "class" of the division, until they got trounced by the Packers on Sunday. It seems like no one wants to win this division. One week the Bears are the team to beat and the Vikings were on the rise. Next week the Packers are the team to beat and the Vikes are back down. The only safe bet in the division is that the Lions are not the team to beat.

9. JETS "PREVENT"?: I'm only talking about the last Patriots drive here, but when Matt Cassel puts up four hunny on ya, chances are you weren't playing too tight in the secondary. But on the Patriots last drive, the Jets let the Pats easily march right down the field. But then, THEN, after dry humping randy Moss up and down the field all night, they lay off him. Huh? Well, not surprisingly, Moss caught the game tying touchdown on that very play. The Jets ended up winning, but had they lost that coin toss in overtime, who knows?

8. KYLE ORTON: Orton was a mere 13-26 for 133 yards completing just two passes to a wide receiver. Suddenly Orton is not looking like the Bears savior at QB, now is he?

7. NFC WEST TEAMS NOT RHYMING WITH FARDINALS: Sure the Niners won this week, but it was against the Rams, and in Donovan McNabb's mind, someone had to win that game. Although if there would have been the perfect place for a tie it would've been in that one. Anyways, it looks like the NFC West could manage to get three of the first ten draft picks come Spring.

6. TIES: I'm not talking about changing the rules here, I'm talking about ties in general. I mean, come on, everyone knows a tie is like kissing your sister.

5. DAVID GARRARD: Another lackluster showing for the Jaguars and Garrard was the lacklusterest. Yeah, I said it and no, it is not a real word. And?

4. RAIDERS: I think this is pretty self explanatory here. So why don't ya go ahead and make your own Raiders "diss", as the kids say.

3. LIONS: We'll have to get Stat Man John to figure out the probability of the Lions winning a game this season. I'd be willing to wager it's not a high probability and yes I realize they do have the one and only Duante Culpepper, now.

2. MCNABB'S KNOWLEDGE OF THE RULES: This has certainly been beaten into the ground, but how can a professional football player not know that the game can end in a tie? But it wasn't just McNabb who was unaware of the quirky "tie" thing. DeSean Jackson and Correll Buckhalter were also baffled, as was Andy Reid, who had this to say, "I've never been in a tie, so I don't know how it works in the standings?" At what point do people start wondering how in the hell Andy Reid even got to a Super Bowl?

1. RAMS: Jim Haslett said it all in his postgame words, "I'm perplexed." Well, I guess that could be taken in regards to many things. I don't know what's so perplexing, really. Your team sucks at football and you suck at coaching football. See? Simple.

FAYGO FUTILE FIFTEEN

15. DEANGELO HALL: I'll take "Overrated Football Players" for $800 Alex.
This cornerback, known for talking "smack", could not cover the broad side of a barn. (Bing) Who is DeAngelo Hall? That is correct, please select the next answer.

14. NFL QUARTERBACKS: Of the 32 quarterbacks who started on opening day, 16 have appeared on the injured list. Two, have since lost their starting jobs. Plus one, Marc Bulger, lost his job for a week. Surprisingly, and annoyingly for Raiders fans, JaMarcus Russell is not one of those quarterbacks to miss time this season.

13. KEYSHAWN JOHNSON'S NEW SHOW: Get the TiVo ready, apparently Keyshawn is going to "tackle" interior design. Why wouldn't he? What's next? A cooking show with Deion Sanders? Gardening with Shannon Sharpe? We can only hope.

12. CINCY BIG WIGS: Can someone please check the pulse of the Bengals front office? I mean are actual people in those offices? Or is just a bunch of chain smoking chimps? And Cincy fans thought they were sitting pretty once all of Jon Kitna's wisdom was implanted in Carson Palmer's cranium. Looks like, not so much.

11. BRONCOS DEFENSE: It's called tackling drills! Look into it.

10. TEXANS: You lose 41-13 to the Raidesr, you get a spot in the "Faygo Futile Fifteen". All of a sudden the up and coming Texans have been disappointing. Kub eat now?

9. JAKE DELHOMME: Jake, Jake, Jake, not gonna beat a lot of teams with a QB Rating of 12. Although, interesting that without DeAngelo Hall, the Raiders defense holds the opposing quarterback to a miniscule rating. Hmm?

8. RAIDERS: I'm all for giving people a chance, but at some point the Raiders have to start looking for another quarterback. I mean they cut DeAngelo Hall, right? If they are gonna continue with Russell leading the way it'll be more like the "silver and bleak" than the "silver and black."

7. LARRY JOHNSON: I know Larry, apparently spitting on women is a crime, who knew?

6. CHIEFS: They just keep on inching closer and closer to that second victory. Maybe Herm Edwards just likes high draft picks?

5. AL DAVIS: Big Al is still dispensing crazy faster than any other owner in the NFL.

4. SEAHAWKS: Well, good news for Jim Mora, Jr., if this is how Mike Holmgren is gonna leave the Seahawks, expectations will be pretty low for "Playoffs!" Junior next season. Might wanna look for a solid backup QB in the offseason if everyone keeps hasslin' the beck.

3. JIM HASLETT'S 360 DEGREE TURN: It was fun while it lasted wasn't it? After that fast start, the Rams have returned their abysmal, pitiful, downright awful form. All those two wins did was hurt their draft position. They may have to pick as low as seven, come April. Yikes!

2. RAMS: See above.

1. LIONS: Duante Culpepper? Really? Matt Millen could've made that move. What, Kordell Stewart was unavailable?

NEXT?

Of course you know, we here at "Bitterness" like to be on the cutting edge. We like to be "now" if you would. So when we saw that ESPN Magazine released its "Next" issue, not to be confused with its next issue, which will be the issue after its "Next" issue, which is the current issue, publlished before the next issue and after the previous issue. Got that? Anyway, if you're anything like me, you take all your cues from ESPN and all its subsidiaries, to tell you what is hip and happening. So we here at "Bitterness" decided to have our own "Next" issue. Of course it's not so much an issue, as post. But you get the idea. And away we go!

JeMarcus Russell without a doubt the next Todd Marinovich.










Vince Young has to be the next Ryan Leaf.

Rodney Harrison will be the next NFLer to be arrested.

Al Davis the next to be committed.










Brady Quinn with seasoning, the next Jon Kitna.

Brad Johnson the next to retire.

Terrell Suggs the next Joey Porter.










Joey Porter the next Sportsman of the Year.

Santonio Holmes quietly becoming the next Plaxico Burress.

Dwayne Bowe, quite possibly the next Michael Jackson.










No, not that one, the one who played for the Browns.

Chris Johnson could very well be the next Cleveland Gary.












Kevin Boss, undisputedly the next Marv Cook.

Robert Gallery assuredly the next Brian Bosworth. I know one played defense and the other offense, but I stand by my statement.

Jon Beason hopefully not the next John Offerdahl.










Matt Leinart the next Draft "gem" to fade into obscurity.

Joe Flacco the next Chunky Soup endorser.










Tyler Thigpen the next quarterback to lose his job.


Matt Ware the next....









leader of the free world?

WEEK NINE: KITNA EVERLASTING

Whooooooooo doggy! Are you ready for some football.....picks! Oh yes! Here we are once again, ready for another week of football and another week of NFL picks from yours truly. Seeing as tomorrow is Halloween, we're gonna go ahead and inject some good ol' holiday spirit into this week's picks! Please try and control your excitement. So away we go with this week's Halloween themed picks!

TEXANS @ VIKINGS: Ah yes a match-up of good costumes here. The Texans are on the move, as are the Vikings. Problem is one team is going one way and the other is going in a whole 'nother direction. Now sure the Vikes have won two out of three, but one of those wins was by two points over the Lions, which to me is a moral loss. Hey if their can be moral victories their can be moral losses I say! Meanwhile the Texans went from down and out to being one of 18 AFC teams who could make the playoffs! Scary, I know. Texans 31-28.

JAGUARS @ BENGALS: The jungle cat match-up of the week right here! At least this week the Bengals can pretend that all those boos they are hearing are just their fans staying in the Halloween spirit. Unless Ryan Fitzpatrick sold his soul to Beelzebub and has a "monster" week, I'm seeing a Jaguars win. Jags 18-6.

BUCCANEERS @ CHIEFS: Maybe if Tyler Thigpen goes as a competent quarterback for Sunday's costume ball the Chiefs have a chance. Let's just say the Bucs "D" is slightly scarier than the Jets'. I wouldn't be surprised to see the Bucs doing the "Monster Mash" on Tyler all afternoon. Bucs 26-9.

RAVENS @ BROWNS: The Browns have been more treat than trick as of late, winners of three of their last four. You think that'll spook Ray Lewis? Heck no! He'll be goblin up Browns like nobody's biz-ness! Ravens 14-12.

JETS @ BILLS: The Bills are haunted by losses in two out of their last three games, but that's no need to panic. Why? Cuz that Jets quarterback, what's his name, has been wearing his full on gunslinger costume this year, which means a spooktacular day for the Bills "D"! Bills 27-17.

CARDINALS @ RAMS: The Rams have risen from their early season grave and could find themselves just a game out of a playoff spot with a win this week! But, like many things, that's easier said than done. The Cardinals have really only been "out" of one game this season, witch is almost not zombie-lievable! Okay that was stretch. Rams 24-23.

FALCONS @ RAIDERS: No, Matt Ryan its not still Halloween, that's what Raiders fans look like all the time. In fact this may be the one time of year they get less weird looks. What, I said less! Falcons 34-13.

LIONS @ BEARS: Bears are good at ghoul-line stands, too bad they won't get a chance to demonstrate that this week against "Cool Whip" and the gang. Bears 27-9.

PACKERS @ TITANS: The Titans at Lambeau, sounds fun. Except this is in Tennessee. I'm not completely sold on the Packers, although they could very well make the playoffs (them and 25 other teams). Something tells me Aaron Rodgers and company are not ready for the "Graveyard Smash" the Titans are gonna bring. I don't know what that means exactly except that the Titans will remain undefeated. Titans 23-20.

DOLPHINS @ BRONCOS: Here's a couple teams that I wish would just go away! Seriously be really good or really bad, JUST MAKE UP YOUR FRICKIN' MINDS! Sorry, I got a little agitated there. This is my "Hate Match-up of the Week", cause I just hate both of these teams as much as I hate the term "Fun Size" they put on those teeeeeenie-tiny candy bars! What the heck is fun about a little-bitty candy bar? "Fun Size" my foot! A "Fun Size" Snickers bar should not be itty-bitty, it should be ginormous! A Zagnut the size of my foot, that's fun! Wait. Where was I? Oh yeah, Broncos 28-22.

COWBOYS @ GIANTS: Starring Kevin Gilbride as "the walrus". If I'm Wade Phillips I'm just flipping a coin before the game to see who starts at QB. I mean against that Giants front seven, will it really make that much of a difference? Will it? Giants 24-16.

EAGLES @ SEAHAWKS: Scary as it may seem, the Seahawks, who have been terrible, are still right in the thick of that bubbling cauldron we like to call the NFC West. However the Eagles are better than every single team in the NFC West and should have no problems dishin' out the candy, if you know what I mean?! And you probably don't. Who does? I dunno. Eagles 37-12.

PATRIOTS @ COLTS: Will this be a "trick"or a "treat" for NBC? Well, I'm guessing people will still watch, cause they don't know what to expect from either squad, and it could still be a close, not necessarily good, but close game. Pats 17-16.

STEELERS @ REDSKINS: Compared to the punishment "Big Ben" has been taking this season, that motorcycle accident a few years back probably seems like a tickle fight now! It won't get much easier here as "Candy" Zorn should have his Potatoskins ready to go, and the hits they'll be bringing won't be "Fun Size" at all! Steelers 7-6.

ROUNDOFFS: NOW USDA APPROVED

Put that Collector's Edition Mama's family DVD down! Its Roundoff time!

• Mike Singletary, Tecmo legend. Leg-end!
• What exactly is the record for consecutive days without the media talking about Brett Favre? Zero?
• Sorry Bills' fans, Warren Sapp said Buffalo is going to the Super Bowl.
• For my money, it doesn't get much better than the Cowboys relying on Brad Johnson. Oh wait, I stand corrected, they may soon be relying on Brooks Bollinger.
  
• And how's about "Cool Whip" bringing the Lions continuously closer to winning a football game, huh? But if the Lions win and no one sees it, does it really count?
• Bye, bye Ted Cottrell.
• Can we start calling the Redskins the "Children of the Zorn"?
• Check out this group of starting quarterbacks on Sunday: Matt Cassel, Seneca Wallace, JT O'Sullivan, Tyler Thigpen, Ryan Fitzpatrick.
• Ben Roethlisberger would probably serve the Steelers better if he were upright.
• I don't know about anyone else but I've got the Chiefs-Bengals Week 17 throwdown circled on my calendar.
  
• Staph infections; sexier than the bubonic plague?
• Me thinks Terrell Suggs took some Public Relations courses at Arizona State.
• Whatever happened to Lee Suggs?
• If the Bengals and Lions both finish winless, can they please meet at a neutral site during the Super Bowl bye week. Can't be worse than the Pro Bowl.
• Just can't get enough of that sweet Kerry Collins magic!
• Ryan Fitzpatrick may not win games, but with a face like this:
  

who cares? Actually he looks like certain 6'10 guy I know.

• Jim Zorn and Tom Coughlin in the Octagon. GO!
• Maybe the Lions should try some sort of promotion, like if you're at Ford Field when they actually win a game, you get to live with Kitna for a week! Or free tix to future game, whatever?

• Random former player of the week:

Oronde Gadsden

• Phrase you may never hear uttered by an announcer: There's some more of that Tyler Thigpen mojo! Or...
  
• Hines Ward and Terrell Suggs hugging it out! They actually went bowling together last night, after their Bible study group, and before frogurt.
• I will drink every night until the Lions win a game!
• So what if I drink every night already?
• I would say odds are very good that Bill Belichik is not dressing up as a fuzzy pink bunny for the Patriots Halloween party.
  

FAYGO FUTILE FIFTEEN

15. Cowbells and Rayhawks: Those GD cowbells have got to go! First off its been done and secondofly Rays "fans" don't even know the proper times to use them! Its amazing how Rays "fans" have grown so annoying, so fast! Its gotta be some sort of record.

14. Mike Nolan: Fare thee well, Mike Nolan. I actually am a big fan of Mike Nolan, he's a dapper guy. He makes Bill Belichik look like a hobo! Oh, wait, that's not right. Bill Belichick makes Bill Belichick look like a hobo.

13. My Weak Seven Picks: What an embarassing week. The 5-9 record is somehow surprising. Partly because where I was wrong I was way wrong. "No shootout between Orton and Frerotte," I says. Final score 48-41. "Colts are back, Packers are mediocre," I says. Pack win. "Drew Brees and the Saints will roll over the reeling Panthers," I says. Brees has his worst statistical day of the season and N'awlins gets routed. Sensing a pattern here? I realize I was not alone, nor completely off base with my picks, but still kinda tough to look at.

12. Cowboys: It's like a galdarn soap opera down in " Big D". Imagine a Soap Opera in Dallas?! Hahaha! What would they even call that? As the 'Boys Turn? Haha! Young and the Classless? Heehee! Dallas? Hahaha! Hohohoho! Oh, wait a minute.

11. Frank Caliendo commercials: Hey, I like Frank Caliendo, he's still not funnier than Michael Winslow, but he is much, much funnier than Kellen Winslow and that should count for something. But its the mere repitition of all of them and seeing them every single commercial break during the World Series! I hate repitition! I hate repitition! I hate repitition!

9. Bengals: Well, just the ones from Cincinnati really. Remember a few years ago when they won their division and the city was full of hope? Yah, me neither. They are really on the cusp of winning a game tough, I can feel it!

8. Marvin Lewis: Marvin, there's no shame in quitting. I'll forgive you. It's time for a fresh start. Maybe something where you deal with fewer lawbreakers, like a parole officer? I dunno? I'm just spitballin' here.

7. Dan Orlovsky: I think the problem is Danny-boy needs a sweet nickame. Now, I'm sure Lions fans have plenty of suggestions, but this is a family blog folks. Let's see, "Dan the Man"? Eh, been done. "The Mind Boggler"? Eh. "Orlo"? No that's just awful. Well maybe somthing to do with his college, let's see he went to....UCONN?! Okay, how about "The Husky Hurler"? Makes it sound like he might have a weight problem. "Husky Hunk"? Nah. "Husky Hulk"? Stupid. Alright forget college! He's from Shelton, Connecticut, maybe something with that? "The Shelton Sure Thing"? That's too wordy and wildly inaccurate. Alright, let's see, how's about "Roger"? No? Um, "Hamburglar"? We're getting there. "Chow Daddy"? Closer. "Chucker"? Nah. "Beanie"? No. "Rodrigo"?! further away. "Magnum"? Warmer. "Doogie". Ooooh, warmer. "Cool Whip"?! Ding, ding, ding! I think we have a winner. Dan Orlovsky from this day forth shall be known as "Cool Whip"!


6. Tim McCarver: Here's a World Series Game One gem from Timmy, "Brad Lidge throws a lot of sliders in the dirt. Ruiz (the cathcer) is gonna have to block those." Oh really? You mean instead of ignoring the ball and letting roll to the backstop, which I'm assuming is the M.O. on Ruiz in the regular season, he's gonna want to do his job and block those balls. Now that's inside analysis you can only get from a former catcher right there folks! Of course this statement is also only partially true, because if there is no one on base and it's not strike three, then Ruiz can in fact let the ball go wherever. Tune in next time when Tim explains the intentional walk, "Now they're gonna walk him cause they don't want him to hit the ball." Can ESPN or someone come up with a show featuring Tim and John Madden just announcing, well, anything? Possibly stuff you'd only find in Obscure Sports Quarterly? I mean clearly, they wouldn't need any info, just a minute understanding of the sport. Bowling?

Madden: "Now the reason he puts that spin on the ball is so it'll hit near the middle with some spin. If it hits near the middle with some spin, he's gonna get more pins. If he gets more pins, he has a better chance of winning the match."

McCarver: "And you'll notice he throws the ball over to the right, so the spin has to be going left. Otherwise it'll end up in the gutter. Haha!"

5. Vikings Special Teams: They take the "special" right out of special teams! Yeah, I went there! So what? Their punter doesn't seem to have no Kluwe! Get it? His last name is Kluwe and it may or may not sound like "clue". We should note that Kluwe is no longer there punter and they are currently trying to coerce Bucky Scribner out of retirement.

4. Chiefs remaining QBs: When I hear the name Ingle Martin IV, I feel like they are too high up on this list. There is a very good chance I-Mart IV could actually see action. did Herm Edwards lose a bet? Honestly? Its like when you play the computer in Madden and really want to challenge yourself, so YOU PLAY TYLER THIGPEN OR INGLE MARTIN IV AT QUARTERBACK! Talk about a couple of sweet jerseys to have though, right? They'd look good right between my Tommy Kramer and Steve Bono jerseys. Of course we'd require the IV be on the jersey, of course.

3. My NHL knowledge: I try and read up on the NHL, but the problem is I have no idea what any of the hockey writers are saying? I don't know if they are being funny, witty, complacent, egregious (mostly because I'm not even entirely sure what "egregious" even means) or straight and to the point? Also, I don't get a lot of the hockey references they make. That being said the Bourque Chops managed a 3-4-5 opening week. Could be worse, I suppose. If only I had Steve Kasper!

2. Larry Johnson: No, not "Grandmama"! LJ just plain irks me. Partially because last year I had the #3 pick in a fantasy football draft. At the time I would of looked like a schmuck had I not taken him, so I did. He was definitley not worthy of that pick, so I put a pox on his house! And partially because he seems like a big stupid. Pardon my French. (This is set up perfectly for Toastie comment that just reads, "Turn off the French!" A comment that would be funny to at least 57% of my fan base, and me! But that's a story for another time.)

1. Lions: Isn't it weird that both winless teams are named after jungle cats? No? Okay, isn't it weird that Dan Orlovsky is a starting NFL quarterback? Or that he's still probably better than any one of the Chiefs current options at QB? No, Quinn Gray doesn't count yet!