Friday, October 24, 2008


15. Cowbells and Rayhawks: Those GD cowbells have got to go! First off its been done and secondofly Rays "fans" don't even know the proper times to use them! Its amazing how Rays "fans" have grown so annoying, so fast! Its gotta be some sort of record.

14. Mike Nolan: Fare thee well, Mike Nolan. I actually am a big fan of Mike Nolan, he's a dapper guy. He makes Bill Belichik look like a hobo! Oh, wait, that's not right. Bill Belichick makes Bill Belichick look like a hobo.

13. My Weak Seven Picks: What an embarassing week. The 5-9 record is somehow surprising. Partly because where I was wrong I was way wrong. "No shootout between Orton and Frerotte," I says. Final score 48-41. "Colts are back, Packers are mediocre," I says. Pack win. "Drew Brees and the Saints will roll over the reeling Panthers," I says. Brees has his worst statistical day of the season and N'awlins gets routed. Sensing a pattern here? I realize I was not alone, nor completely off base with my picks, but still kinda tough to look at.

12. Cowboys: It's like a galdarn soap opera down in " Big D". Imagine a Soap Opera in Dallas?! Hahaha! What would they even call that? As the 'Boys Turn? Haha! Young and the Classless? Heehee! Dallas? Hahaha! Hohohoho! Oh, wait a minute.

11. Frank Caliendo commercials: Hey, I like Frank Caliendo, he's still not funnier than Michael Winslow, but he is much, much funnier than Kellen Winslow and that should count for something. But its the mere repitition of all of them and seeing them every single commercial break during the World Series! I hate repitition! I hate repitition! I hate repitition!

9. Bengals: Well, just the ones from Cincinnati really. Remember a few years ago when they won their division and the city was full of hope? Yah, me neither. They are really on the cusp of winning a game tough, I can feel it!

8. Marvin Lewis: Marvin, there's no shame in quitting. I'll forgive you. It's time for a fresh start. Maybe something where you deal with fewer lawbreakers, like a parole officer? I dunno? I'm just spitballin' here.

7. Dan Orlovsky: I think the problem is Danny-boy needs a sweet nickame. Now, I'm sure Lions fans have plenty of suggestions, but this is a family blog folks. Let's see, "Dan the Man"? Eh, been done. "The Mind Boggler"? Eh. "Orlo"? No that's just awful. Well maybe somthing to do with his college, let's see he went to....UCONN?! Okay, how about "The Husky Hurler"? Makes it sound like he might have a weight problem. "Husky Hunk"? Nah. "Husky Hulk"? Stupid. Alright forget college! He's from Shelton, Connecticut, maybe something with that? "The Shelton Sure Thing"? That's too wordy and wildly inaccurate. Alright, let's see, how's about "Roger"? No? Um, "Hamburglar"? We're getting there. "Chow Daddy"? Closer. "Chucker"? Nah. "Beanie"? No. "Rodrigo"?! further away. "Magnum"? Warmer. "Doogie". Ooooh, warmer. "Cool Whip"?! Ding, ding, ding! I think we have a winner. Dan Orlovsky from this day forth shall be known as "Cool Whip"!

6. Tim McCarver:
Here's a World Series Game One gem from Timmy, "Brad Lidge throws a lot of sliders in the dirt. Ruiz (the cathcer) is gonna have to block those." Oh really? You mean instead of ignoring the ball and letting roll to the backstop, which I'm assuming is the M.O. on Ruiz in the regular season, he's gonna want to do his job and block those balls. Now that's inside analysis you can only get from a former catcher right there folks! Of course this statement is also only partially true, because if there is no one on base and it's not strike three, then Ruiz can in fact let the ball go wherever. Tune in next time when Tim explains the intentional walk, "Now they're gonna walk him cause they don't want him to hit the ball." Can ESPN or someone come up with a show featuring Tim and John Madden just announcing, well, anything? Possibly stuff you'd only find in Obscure Sports Quarterly? I mean clearly, they wouldn't need any info, just a minute understanding of the sport. Bowling?

Madden: "Now the reason he puts that spin on the ball is so it'll hit near the middle with some spin. If it hits near the middle with some spin, he's gonna get more pins. If he gets more pins, he has a better chance of winning the match."

McCarver: "And you'll notice he throws the ball over to the right, so the spin has to be going left. Otherwise it'll end up in the gutter. Haha!"

5. Vikings Special Teams: They take the "special" right out of special teams! Yeah, I went there! So what? Their punter doesn't seem to have no Kluwe! Get it? His last name is Kluwe and it may or may not sound like "clue". We should note that Kluwe is no longer there punter and they are currently trying to coerce Bucky Scribner out of retirement.

4. Chiefs remaining QBs: When I hear the name Ingle Martin IV, I feel like they are too high up on this list. There is a very good chance I-Mart IV could actually see action. did Herm Edwards lose a bet? Honestly? Its like when you play the computer in Madden and really want to challenge yourself, so YOU PLAY TYLER THIGPEN OR INGLE MARTIN IV AT QUARTERBACK! Talk about a couple of sweet jerseys to have though, right? They'd look good right between my Tommy Kramer and Steve Bono jerseys. Of course we'd require the IV be on the jersey, of course.

3. My NHL knowledge: I try and read up on the NHL, but the problem is I have no idea what any of the hockey writers are saying? I don't know if they are being funny, witty, complacent, egregious (mostly because I'm not even entirely sure what "egregious" even means) or straight and to the point? Also, I don't get a lot of the hockey references they make. That being said the Bourque Chops managed a 3-4-5 opening week. Could be worse, I suppose. If only I had Steve Kasper!

2. Larry Johnson: No, not "Grandmama"! LJ just plain irks me. Partially because last year I had the #3 pick in a fantasy football draft. At the time I would of looked like a schmuck had I not taken him, so I did. He was definitley not worthy of that pick, so I put a pox on his house! And partially because he seems like a big stupid. Pardon my French. (This is set up perfectly for Toastie comment that just reads, "Turn off the French!" A comment that would be funny to at least 57% of my fan base, and me! But that's a story for another time.)

1. Lions: Isn't it weird that both winless teams are named after jungle cats? No? Okay, isn't it weird that Dan Orlovsky is a starting NFL quarterback? Or that he's still probably better than any one of the Chiefs current options at QB? No, Quinn Gray doesn't count yet!


  1. I like cool whip. Now, is it Dan "Cool Whip" Orlovsky or is it just Cool Whip, i.e my lady friend's name is Liz but I just call her Kool-Aid?

  2. I think just "Cool Whip" works best. Less wordy.