WEEK FIVE: KITNA FOR COMPTROLLER

Well, I'd love to recap last week's picks and give you some updated standings, but well I'm not gonna. Mostly, because I didn't figure it out. Soon with the picks!

COLTS @ TEXANS: The Colts are strugglin', but the Texans, are well, less good. Colts 21-10.

TITANS @ RAVENS: I'm gonna go ahead and say it, the Titans are very good. I still don't know what I think about the Ravens. This should be a close defensive battle, and I don't know what to think, so I'm predicting a tie 12-12.

CHARGERS @ DOLPHINS: Well the 'Phins had their fun against the Pats, but obviously they're gonna need a little something else up there sleeves in this one. Although the Chargers have yet to impress me, they were my Super Bowl pick, so I gotta keep believing that maybe I was right for once. Bolts 47-13.

CHIEFS @ PANTHERS: It's been roughly seven years since the Chiefs have had a chance to win consecutive games. Okay, it's only been a matter of months, but I'm sure to Chiefs fans it felt much, much longer. Well, better luck next year kids. Panthers 27-14.

REDSKINS @ EAGLES: All of a sudden my NFC sleeper pick is not looking so dumb. I am so smart, I am so smart. S-M-R-T, I mean S-M-A-R-T! Eagles 18-15.

BEARS @ LIONS: Well, as predicted last week, the Lions had their best week of the season. Not only did they not lose, due to their bye week, but they managed to rid themselves of Matt Millen as well. Looks like everything is coming up Lions! Until they step on the field against the Bears defense that is. Bears 22-12.

FALCONS @ PACKERS: With Aaron Rodgers aching, this match-up becomes more intriguing than, um, umm, uh, something that is super intriguing. Heck, I'm gonna go out on the old limb and pick the upset. Falcons 23-17.

SEAHAWKS @ GIANTS: Alright kids, let's slow down with all the praise of the New Jersey Football Giants. I mean they've played three games for crying out loud. Two of the teams they beat are winless. Winless! As in, haven't beaten a single team! And one of those wins was by the skin of their teeth! Well, as much as I'd like to think that the return of Bobby Engram and Deion Branch will help propel the 'Hawks to victory, I know that's not gonna happen. Giants 23-21.

BUCCANEERS @ BRONCOS: The Broncos porous defense finally caught up to them last week, and the offense could have some trouble again this week against the "Red Menace" that is the Tampa 2. Add that to the Griese revenge factor (I kinda feel like Brian's got a list at home, sort of like Steve Buschemi in Billy Madison, of people that have wronged him that he needs to take care of.). The Bears are off the list, next up, the Broncos. Bucs 21-20.

PATRIOTS @ 49ERS: The Patriots right now are as unpredictable as Breckin Meyer's career. I mean they have talent, but do they have what it takes, aka a solid QB, to unleash said talent on the rest of the world? I just don't know? But I'd like to see Kevin O'Connell get some snaps in the future to see what he's got. Patriots 14-10.

BILLS @ CARDINALS: One of my pet peeves is people who email sports websites criticizing writers' power rankings, as if these mean anything. I recently read one printed email from a Bills fan who was all in a tizzy that the Bills were ranked so low, 9 or 10 I think. Now I know the Bills are pretty darned good, and I am in no way "dissing" them , as the kids say, but let's give them a chance to prove themselves. One of the main arguments is that they beat two playoff teams already. Now, while this is true, neither one of those teams has looked all that special to this point in the season. And they made the playoffs, last year. Which is about as relevant as saying they've beat 3 Super Bowl teams, because 3 of the teams they have beaten have been to Super Bowls in last decade. Now I know the Bills are good and should, should, make the playoffs, but their schedule is not that daunting, which doesn't matter, because this ain't college, and all that matters is the number under that "W" in the standings. So in review, Bills are good, but unproven, easy schedule, will make playoffs, all hail Pete Metzalaars! Bills 27-21.

BENGALS @ COWBOYS: T.O. wants the ball more. Apparently this week his number will be called in 50% of the Cowboys plays. Cowboys 31-20.

STEELERS @ JAGUARS: Another physical defense in the face of Big Ben and the Steelers. don't worry Najeh Davenport is on the way! Let's hope he can stay healthy, next on the call list is Duce Staley. Jaguars 17-14.

VIKINGS @ SAINTS: Gus Frerotte vs. Drew Brees. Hmmm? I'm taking D-Breezy. Saints 31-13.

Cue the rally Van Damme!