ROUNDOFFS: NOW 33% LESS COHERENT THAN THE LEADING BRAND

Crank up the Kajagoogoo it's "Roundoff" time! This week, we're kinda pressed for time, okay pressed for motivation I guess, so this is gonna be a little more quick and, well I'd like to say to the point, but that would be a flat out lie. So away we go.......

• Alright all Cubs fans who got sucked in again, raise your hands.
• Bye, bye Midwest baseball! Now if we can just lose the Dodgers, we'll show everyone why there's an east coast bias!
• Ryan Howard's hawking the Subway cheesesteak?! What?! That's like Brian Urlacher promoting Domino's Deep Dish Pizza, AJ Hawk talking about California cheese, Or Wayne Gretzky pushing American bacon! How dare he! I'm still gonna cheer for the Phils, but only cause the Dodgers are from out west!
• Looks like I was right on the money picking the Texans as my sleeper. I should have seen the error of my ways as soon as ESPN the magazine picked them as their sleeper. Other notable ESPN "sleeper" picks, The Tigers, Butterbean, Sanjaya and Ralph Nader. I can't believe I missed that.
• So far I'm not impressed with the new fall shows. Although that debate show they have every week shows promise. But I think we need someone other than politicians to really spice it up. Maybe like Oprah and Letterman, or Jessica Simpson and a fifth grader, I dunno?
  
• Hey Chicago, at least the Bears aren't bad.
• Red Sox in 6, Phils in 7
• Really is there anyone scarier looking than Al Davis?
• Alright is there anyone living that is scarier looking than Al Davis?
• Sorry Bills fans, I really did knock on wood, when I said they'd should ease past 'Zona.
  
• Sorry Lions fans, its gonna take longer than a week to exorcise Matt Millen's demon.
• I still say the winner of the NFC West may only have 7 wins.
• The Colts could very well be winless. Thank goodness, for the media's sake, they're not.
• I'm sick of all this Kimbo Slice talk! Unless he's gonna patent a meat slicer, call it the Kimbo Slicer, and sell it for 19.95, I don't care!
  
• Gianluca Palliucca
• I think the NFL should add "rouges".
• I can't tell one Grammatica from the other.
• Jon Lester is the best Sox lefty since Bruce Hurst!
• Dick Enberg, "Randy Moss makes the catch and finds himself in the middle of a tackle sandwich!" Mmmmmm, tackle sandwich!
• Please punch the next person you here say, "These aren't your father's Rays!"
  
• But let's face it, these aren't your father's Rays.
• I'd be alright if we sold the state of Florida to help with the economy. Who's with me?! Come on, honestly would ya miss it? Would ya?
  
• The Colorado Avalanche have both Adam Foote and Jeff Finger on their roster. I think they are also currently scouting Paul Leg, Jim Head and Rob Toe.
  
• Remember when people were scared of Ladanian Tomlinson and not Ronnie Brown?
• "Bitterness" obscure retro player of the week: Cleveland Gary
• JaMarcus Russell shall henceforth be known as Suck-a-Tron 3000
• Perfect name for a Ryan Leaf biography: A Leaf Less Ordinary.

And now your Faygo Futile Fifteen:
15. Ozzie Guillen: Said "Eff the Cubs!" Hope he doesn't live in the Windy City in the off-season.

14. Sarah Palin: Do I really need to explain?

13. Ladanian Tomlinson: Used to be the best player in football.

12. Anyone trying to stop the Dolphins "Wildcat" formation: Since when is Ronnie Brown the talk of the town.

11. Peyton Manning and the Colts offense: They could very easily be 0-4, and Peyton Manning's QB rating is lower than JaMarcus Russell's.

10. Steelers in primetime: 5 games, 3 in primetime. Good balance.

9. The Economy: Unless this "Bailout" is lowering the price of beer or cheese, I don't see its direct impact on me.

8. Herm Edwards: He never seems to be mentioned as being on the hot seat, but he's one 2 out of his last 18 or more games.

7. Sage Rosenfels: Pretty decent game botched by botched by some pretty huge turnovers late.

6. The very, very, very creepy Al Davis.

5. Kansas City: When does that college basketball season start?

4. Cubs fans: You know what they say, we'll get 'em next century.

3. Larry Johnson: Seven carries for 2 yards. Two?! The best part is his longest carry was for four yards! That means his other six went for negative one yard.

2. Rams: The Haslett era begins in 5 days! Should end in little over 90.

1. Lions: Jump to the one spot, with the Rams bye.

Tune in next week, when we'll learn the true meaning of life and make fun of it!