So, last week, was not so good, pick wise. So this week will definitely, possibly, maybe be better.

TITANS@ JETS: A good ol' clash of titans.....and Jets. Or is it? After letting Big Ben pick them apart at the end of the opener, the Titans proceeded to go out and get stumped by "the Schaub", wasting Chris Johnson's big day. Some say it's because there's no more Phat Albert Haynesworth, others say it's due to Jim Schwartz moving to the Lions' den. Me? Well it could be a bit of both, but what do I really think it is? Curse of Steve McNair. What?! Too soon? Titans 13-12

JAGUARS @ TEXANS: Houston, we have a problem. Sure the Texans beat the Titans last week, but how far can they go with this "defense"? First the Jets ran all over them, then the Titans. And what in the name of Kailee Wong was going on when Chris Johnson was just left out wide, all by his lonesome?! Absolutely ridiculous! So look for a big day out of Maurice Jones-Drew in a losing effort as "the Schaub" rolls up the yards and points. Texans 34-23

CHIEFS @ EAGLES: The Eagles defense should be hungry for redemption after Drew Brees lit them up last week. McNabb or no McNabb, that's bad news for Todd Haley and the Chiefs. Eagles 27-13

BROWNS @ RAVENS: Threw the Browns into CAM (Create an Adjective Machine) and it gave us, ungood, uberfutilous, and superawfulicious. Really paints a picture, don't it? The Browns are worse than bad and right now draw comparisons to certain other brown things. And we're not talking about Whatchamacalits, either. Ravens 31-9

GIANTS @ BUCCANEERS: Finally the epic, highly anticipated, kill or be killed, Derrick Ward Bowl I! No? Alright how about the "Most People Could Care Less and Forgot Derrick Ward Wasn't Playing for the Giants, Because Most People Confuse Him With Ahmad Bradshaw Anyway Bowl"? Seems wordy. I'm still not confident in Eli Manning, but I'm less confident in the Buccaneers. Giants 28-17

REDSKINS @ LIONS: Children of the Zorn have not exactly been an offensive juggernaut thus far, making this the trendy upset pick of the week. There's just something in my gut that tells me this isn't the week for the Lions. Of course that feeling could just be indigestion, who knows. Redskins 21-17

PACKERS @ RAMS: So, I picked the Packers to win the Super Bowl, and thus far they are making me look like a simp. But, BUT, this is the week where they turn it all around. Barely beating the Bears? In the past. Losing to the Bengals at home? Forget it! The new season starts Sunday for the Pack, where they will play like a well oiled machine and come 2010, make me look like Notre Damus! Or something to that extent. Packers 35-10

49ERS @ VIKINGS: One of the tougher games to pick this week. A few thoughts here:

1. Settle down Vikings fans, they beat the Browns and the Lions.
2. If the Vikings don't start protecting Brett Favre, they'll be seeing the highly scorned Tavarius Jackson, sooner, rather than later. (Jackson has been so insignificant, I'm not even sure I spelled his first name correctly and I'm not gonna look it up!)
3. May not mean anything, but the Niners have now one six of their last seven under Mike Singletary.
4. Brad Childress may just be a "D-bag". More to come on that.
5. Fact! This will not be a shootout.
6. Vikings 16-13

FALCONS @ PATRIOTS: Now this could be a shootout! Matty Ice's triumphant return to New England and he has been showing a great deal of poise. The Patriots need to prove they are still a tough draw, while the "dirty birds" need to prove they are the real deal. This could also be your typical Patriots statement game. Or not. Should be a fun though. Falcons 31-27

SEAHAWKS @ BEARS: Yeah, so remember when I said as long as Matt Hasselbeck was healthy the Seahawks would dominate the NFC West. I stand by that statement. Bears 24-21

SAINTS @ BILLS: Nothing like a game against the Bucs to right the ship, eh Dick Jauron? Now you can really get things rolling! It's not like you have the highest powered offense in the NFL coming to, oh, wait a tick. The Saints come marching into town Sunday, and Mark Kelso is not walking through that door! Saints 35-27

DOLPHINS @ CHARGERS: In week two, Philip Rivers threw for four-hundred some odd yards against the Ravens....and lost. The Dolphins had the ball for like eighty something percent of the game against the Colts....and lost. Interesting. Chargers 28-24

STEELERS @ BENGALS: Hard to believe, but if not for one miraculous play the Bengals would be 2-0. The Bengals are peskier than street urchins. Trust me, I know. They have pretty much shut down opposing running backs. And that list of running backs includes the one and only Correll Buckhalter, so they are for real. This does not bode will for "Not So Fast" Willie Parker. The Bengals are my upset special of week three. Bengals 27-21

BRONCOS @ RAIDERS: Is there a less intimidating 2-0 team than the Broncos? I submit that there is not! They could very well become the least intimidating 3-0 team ever if they can beat the Raiders. That's probably not asking very much, since JaMarcus Russell is the worst QB in the NFL. Broncos 17-6

COLTS @ CARDINALS: Peyton and the Colts offense should be on the field for more than in Miami. Bad news for the Cardinals. Colts 31-24

PANTHERS @ COWBOYS: They're calling this one the Maligned Quarterback Bowl! Okay, no one is calling that, but it is catchy, don't ya think? No? Eh. Despite the fact the Cowboys have never one a regular season game at Big TV Stadium, I think they'll be alrightish enough to beat the Panthers. Cowboys 28-23

And now you're cheese:

FUTILE FIFTEEN

15. McNabb's Ribs- Sound like a place I'd go for some good ol' fashioned BBQ, but alas it is not. D-Nabb's ribs, cracked, broke or whatever, should not be tested in Week 2. I'm no doctor, but it seems like it'd be hard to throw a football with rib problems.

14. Jay Cutler Hype- I've said it before and I'll say it again, what exactly has Jay Cutler shown us? Maybe, just maybe, he's an upgrade from Kyle Orton, but really, who isn't?

13. Wildcat- Really I'm just sick of hearing about the "Wildcat". Formations like this and similar to this have been around for ages, but someone has sustained success (game and half or so), gives it a name, and it becomes all the rage. Blah!

12. Eric Mangini- Seems like the Vikings didn't need more than a few days to prepare for Brady Quinn. One can only imagine what would have happened with Derek Anderson at the helm. Does anyone else think Mangini-us is just overthinking everything to find a competitive edge?

11. Texans- The Jets are improved yes, but the Texans just looked baffled out there on Sunday.

10. Reggie Bush- Someday he's gonna prove he can be an RB1, but that seems to be a long way off.

9. Lions- Although improved, losing your 18th game in a row, is still futile.

8. Jon Gruden- Overall, seems to be a nice addition to the booth, but he called Matt Light, Todd Lyght at least three times on Monday night.

7. Todd Lyght- Poor guy's been retired for quite some time now, and he's getting blamed for pressure on Tom Brady. That and from his name you'd think he was white. And I got him confused with Todd Houlihan!

6. Mike and Mike and Steve- Didn't watch the whole game, but what I heard was more than enough for me to not want to listen. Is it just me or does Mike Greenberg have the perfect voice for print media?

5. Buccaneers- They're just not good.

4. Pittsburgh running game- Well Willie Parker got to the line "fast", but tough to gage his speed from that.

3. Chuck Cecil- Maybe there's someone out there who can explain why he stopped applying pressure to Ben Roethlisberger late in the game?

2. Jake Delhomme- Anyone who watched the Carolina game or just read JD's line, knows what I'm talkign about.

1. Leodis McKelvin- Nothing like making a dumb play to, for all intents and purposes, cost your team the game, and have no remorse about it. The thing about this is, Bobby Avril is one of the best Special Teams coaches there is, and I can't imagine he didn't tell Leodis to take a touchback if he could. Am I right? Sure, no guarantee the Bills win anyway, but the odds are probably a lot better, if you don't give Tom Brady the ball at your 31-yard line with about two minutes left.

SUNDAY MORNING AUDIBLE: COOL YOUR JETS

It's finally here! The games now have some sort of meaning. Sure, there was a game played already, but us true football fans know that today is the day when it really gets going! But here are some other truths you should be prepared for as we sit less than two hours away from football:

• Prepare to have your mind blown. I guarantee you, at least 3 things will surpirse you in Week 1.
• Brett Favre will have a decent game, win against the Browns, and start up the Favre praise-a-tron 3000. Let's everyone just settle down before it happens. He's playing THE BROWNS! Also he has Adrian Peterson! Let's not go through last year again, where everyone lauded him for beating the Dolphins, mostly because his receivers bailed him out a couple of times. So please, can we just stop this before it starts?
• Be ready to hear the term "Wildcat" uttered some hundred and seventy odd times. Now remember plenty of teams used versions of the "Wildcat", the Dolphins just used it more, because, well, their standard offense, um, sucked.
  
• Week one is so meaningful and yet so meaningless. I picked the Colts and Eagles to be upset in week one. If this or any other upset occurs, the talking heads, not the band, will be eager to point out all the flaws in said upsetee, and wonder if they are in trouble. Sure, they may be in trouble, but let's wait it out, shall we? Remember last year when the Colts lost the opener, and then barely escaped going 0-2? People were all up in arms, "The Colts aren't the same, they'll have trouble making the playoffs, yada, yada, yada." And lo and behold, somehow they managed to make the playoffs.
• The Dolphins will not be as good as last year, and not just because people are "ready" for the "wildcat", but because they're not good.
• Somewhere a first year coach will win a game. Read nothing into this.
  
• If I'm right and the Colts do lose, the media will say it's because Tony Dungy and Marvin Harrison are gone. But there's a chance they could have lost this game with Dungy and Harrison. Who really knows?
• Eric Mangini, and the rest of the football watching world, will realize the Vikings didn't need more than a week to prepare for Brady Quinn.
• Chad Ochocinco will score a touchdown, and somehow incorporate insulting Skip Bayless in his celebration.
• Pizza Hut will continue to boggle the mind with their "celebrity" endorsers. Tommy Davidson too big for "the Hut", BOOM, enter Jim Breuer. So who could be on-deck? Breckin Meyer? Shirtless Guttenberg, perhaps?
• Shannon Sharpe will sputter more sentence fragments than any other announcer out there.
• Matt Cassel won't start for Kansas City. Well, now they won't beat the Ravens. Try and note the sarcasm.
• Drew Brees will throw for 427 yds and 3 tds against the Lions. Yes his numbers will be down, cause he will sit out the fourth quarter.
• The Redskins and Giants will bore the ever-loving crap out of anyone watching. If you like running between the tackles, inconsistent passers, field position battles and pooch punts, you'll love Giants-Redskins!
• The Buccaneers will be the least relevant fantasy team. Seriously, if you're starting a Buc, you're probably in trouble.

Well, that concludes our first Sunday Morning Audibles of the season, enjoy the games!

GIVING THANKS

Yes it is that time of year again. A time to gather with family, possibly friends, over eat, over drink, oversleep and watch some football. Oh yeah and give thanks. So we thought we'd see what some NFLers are thankful for this holiday season.

Dolphins fans are thankful for Dan Marino's resurgence, "He's still the quarterback, right?"

Lane Kiffin: This year I am giving thanks to be out from under soul sucking Al Davis' claws! Although, for some reason I still sense his presence around me, like he's now a part of me or something. sometimes I think I can see what he's thinking. I think he may have some how made me into a horcrux. In fact there's a good chance neither of us can live while the other survives.

Eric Mangini: I'm thankful for deep dish pizza. I mean that New York style thin crust is total hogwash! That's not a pizza! That's like callin' a Steak'um a porterhouse for crying out loud! You can't inject cheese into that teenie tiny crust at all! What's that about?! No siree, for my money it doesn't get any better than a thick crusted, meat lovers pizza, with meat and cheese crammed into the crust. Deeeee-lish! Heck if I could get a crust so big, that a whole 'nother pizza could fit in it, I'd be a happy man.

DeAngelo Hall: I'm thankful that Dan Snyder has deep pockets and is a terrible judge of talent and character. I mean I thought the Raiders were whack. As long as you ever had talent, and can still wear a uniform, you can be a Redskin. Hear that Keyshawn?



Kurt Warner: Wow, well what am I not thankful for? I'm thankful for God, my loving family, nice friends, great job, wonderful teammates, my dog, three squares a day, my health, the desert, dry heat, all the charities I get to help with, muppets, sunsets, sunrises, the beach, animals, science and math, pixie stix, mozzarella stix, wrinkle free slacks, seedless grapes, Tom Hanks films, ice cream, Tony Shaloub, chicken salad, being able to choose between paper and plastic, the Harry Potter books, flowers, cool ranch Doritos, calcium, Luxembourg, and of course shirtless Gutenburg.



Matt Jones: I'm thankful for being a white male, professional football player, (sniff) aged 18-35. I mean if I was African-American (sniff) or in some other sport, (sniff) I'd probably be behind bars right now. (snort) Kinda makes ya think.


Tedy Bruschi: Of course I'm thankful for the media, for making me into some sort of "hero". I mean, let's be honest here folks, I have mediocre talent at best. But thanks to the media, I am revered, going to Pro Bowls, getting my value meals Super-Sized for free. And that was before I had the stroke. More like a stroke of genius. It wasn't even that bad! I got the media eating out of the palm of my hands. Its great, I can do no wrong! Haha!


Shannon Sharpe: I'm thankful for CBS. You don't need full phrases. Don't need insight. Show up. Wear fancy suits. Spit some words. Chuckle with the honkies. Cash big checks. Eat lobster. Easy as pie. Blam.




Andy Reid: I'm thankful that somehow everyone still thinks I'm a good coach. It makes me feel safe at night. I mean I clearly have no idea how to manage a clock, personnel, play-calling, my family, my checking account, my wardrobe, and well, I could go on for hours. I don't even know all the NFL's "rules", for pete sake! Oh and lasagna. I'm thankful for lasagna too. And not that vegetarian crap. Nuh-uh. I'm talking with the big juicy chunks of ground beef in all 23 layers. That's right 23 layers! Its an old Reid family recipe.


Peyton Manning: I have so much to be thankful for. Whether its all the stuff I can buy orall the places I can go with my Mastercard, or all the channels I can get with my DirectTV package, or being able to keep in touch with all my loved ones on my Sprint Phone.


JaMarcus Russell: I am so thankful for the Raiders organization. I don't even have to be good at my job, to earn that big paycheck every week. I absolutely suck at my job, but am still making more money than probably any of you will ever see. And you know what the best part is? The Raiders have no other options!



Ben Roethlisberger: I'm thankful for milk and Chunky soup. Milk's a no-brainer. It does a body good, helps keep my bones strong and wards off those ostrichypooroses thingies. No one wants to end up as supper for an ostrichy rose, and drinking milk keeps them away. I've been drinking milk all my life, and I've never seen one. The proof is in the pudding. Pudding made with delicious milk. Sometime I'll have a glass of milk with a big ol' bowl of Chunky Soup. Makes for a nutritious and wholesome lunch and dinner. Sometimes I'll even have a grilled cheese on the side, cause cheese and bread come from milk, so its still good. I don't grill the cheese myself, since I'm no longer allowed near objects that produce heat and or fire, since the accident.


Marvin Lewis: I'm thankful to still have a job. I lost interest quite some time ago, and am really just going through the motions. I don't even care anymore. As long as those checks keep coming in, I'm happy. Heck, I'm letting a guy named Ryan Fitzpatrick call most of the plays on offense, now. Sure, he went to Harvard, but come on!




Joey Porter: I'm thankful that there is an endless supply of mamby-pamby, Charmin soft, big brain, know nothing, hypocratic, cupcake, panty waists in this league. I always have a supply of material to keep me jawin' all year round. Damn, I gots enough to last me well into the next decade. In fact, their's enough whinin', no good, trash talkin', lightweight fancy boys, for J-Peezy to berate for several more decades.