Wednesday, November 05, 2008


Yes you read that title right and no it's not what you're thinking, so get your minds out of the gutter! You see, recently Miami Dolphins Linebacker "Motormouth" Joey Porter called Denver Broncos wide receiver Brandon Marshall soft. Marshall, after his monster 2 catch 27 yard day against the 'Phins, came back at Porter, calling him soft, talking about his popcorn muscles, and saying how his words didn't get in his head. So much in the vein of ESPN's Who's Now? we have decided to give you, what we feel you want, with Who's Soft? So let's dig like only we can to find out who is softer, Brandon Marshall or Joey Porter.

Where do you take your special lady friends for a
romantic date?
Joey Porter: The Octagon, baby! Nothing more romantic than dudes ripping each other limb from limb in a cage. Stale, warm beer in hand, class all da way. Yous can tell a lot about a lady taking her a place like that. Gets 'em all ramped up, if you know what I'm sayin'?! Then we heads out to da club, where I take off my high priced shirt and show her how I can bust a move and whatnot.

Brandon Marshall: Back to my place, turn the lights down, light some candles, have the help whip up some pot roast, maybe a nice casserole, turn on a little Barry White or Chris Brown and let the magic happen. Possibly eat our creme broulee by the fireplace on my bearskin rugs.

What would be a good title for Joey Porter?

JP: "J-Peezy" President King of Toughitude

BM: Chatty McPopcorn Muscle

What would be a good title for Brandon Marshall?

JP: Two-ply, cause he's ultra soft!

BM: Handsome McSticky Fingers

What do you do the night before a game?
JP: I got little mini-house behind my mansion. Usually, night before a home game I go back there crank up some Lil Wayne and just start destroying everything up in that joint! I have my homey "Lunch Tray" go out and buy me some real nice furniture, you know ottomans and shit, to trash every so often. Sometimes I'll also have 'em get some sort of animal I can wrestle, like a pit bull or a bear or some shit. Keeps me honed and sharp. When I'm on the road, I like to go the local prison and wrestle some convicts in the yard. Either that or I have "Lunch Tray" go buy some furniture I can tear apart in some dark alley or sumpin'.

BM: I like to draw a bubble bath, and just sit in there for like an hour with a nice box of wine, light some loganberry scented candles do some word searches with my girl, little Miles Davis playing in the background. You know just unwind, relax, forget about it all.

What is your typical pregame meal?
JP: I like to have a thick juicy steak, bloody, 4 eggs, scrambled, with cheddar cheese, chocolate milk shake, a rack of ribs, couple bowls of cereal, four slices a French toast, a big ol' pile of mashed potatoes, green beans. You know, gotta keep it light.

BM: I like some fresh tossed salad with some raspberry vinaigrette on the side, some linguini caressed with margarine, steamed vegetables and some enriched waters.

What was the last movie you cried at?
JP: Nutty Professor 2. But yo, dat was only cuz I be laughin' so hard it made my eyes water! So don't go thinking "J-Peezy" some sort of mamby-pamby, pillow bitin', scrawny wide receiverin', Oprah watchin', salad eatin', nancyboy, cryer! Cause he ain't.

BM: Boy, that's a tough one. The last one, huh? I guess I'd have to say either the Notebook or Ernest Goes to Camp. I try and watch the Notebook once a week if the tear ducts can handle it. I mean Gosling is just phenomenal and the whole story is a piece of cinematic genius. When they're kissing in the rain, it just, just, gets me (sniff), it gets me every time, man.

If you were an animal what would it be?
JP: Probably be some sort of mish-mash of a pit bull, cougar, falcon, horse and dragon, to ackerately depict my nature and whatnot.

BM: Probably a majestic gazelle on account of my grace and speed.

So who is "softer"? Too close for us to call, we'll let you decide.

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