WEEK 14: OF MICE AND MEN-ORAH?

Holy crap! Would you look at that it's Week Fourteen already! Where in the sam hill as the year gone?! Alright well on to the picks and since it's Chanukah, we're gonna honor the "festival of lights".


PANTHERS (5-7) @ JAGUARS (8-4): The Panthers are still right in the playoff hunt, but having Christian Fauria on your team during the "festival of lights" may not be the way to go? But the fact of the matter is the Jags defense is as ironclad as the Talmud right now and that's something you cannot just pass over. I'd give the Panthers a slightly better chance of course if they still had Jake Shalomme at QB. Jags 21-13.

COWBOYS (10-1) @ LIONS (6-6): When Kitna said the Lions would win 10 games this year everyone scoffed. It was about is unthinkable as I dunno the macabees only having enough power for one day of candlelight, but yet getting eight nights out of it? Unfortunately for Kitna's prophecy to come true, they have to win out and that'll be no easy task, cause the Cowboys are just much better. Cowboys 31-21.

DOLPHINS (0-12) @ BILLS (6-6): The Bills still have a slim chance at making the playoffs, but lucky for them the Dolphins are just plain awful. And the Bills should be able to take them down like Hebrews taking down a plate of latkes. All they must do now is choose applesauce or sour cream to go with it. And if I know Hassi-dick Jauron he'll have his "D" ready. Bills 20-10.

GIANTS (8-4) @ EAGLES (5-7): If the Eagles wanna make the 'Offs, they're gonna need this one, and well, probably all of them for that matter. The last time these two met, the Giants sacked them like 27 times or something like that, and that just ain't gonna cut it. They are really gonna have to shut down Osi U-menorah if they want to win this one. Giants 27-24

RAIDERS(4-8) @ PACKERS (10-1): The Raiders are not mathematically eliminated from a playoff berth, so they got that going for them which is nice. But a loss this week should just about seal their fate, which serves them right! Raiders? Why they're no better than Antiochus trying to hold down the Macabees! And with Kabeer Kaballah-Bjamila, how can the Pack lose? Plus eating dairy food, especially cheese, has long been a minor custom during Hanukkah. Packers 21-11.

CHARGERS (7-5) @ TITANS (7-5): This should be a clash of titans. Well, a clash of Titans and Chargers anyways. Well it's simple, this game comes down to LT, aka "Hooch". The Titans stop him and they have a shot, but if LT gets going like a Maccabean revolt, lookout! Titans 17-13.

RAMS (3-9) @ BENGALS (4-8): The Rams are starting Brock Berlin in this one. Brock Berlin? Berlin? How can you start a guy with the last name Berlin during one of the holiest Jewish times of the year? C'mon! Bengals 31-17.

TEXANS (5-7) @ BUCCANEERS (8-4): I'm making this my upset special of the week! Call it a hunch, but I think the Texans have the chutzpah to pull this one off. I'd wager most of my gelt on it! Texans 28-24.

CARDINALS (6-6) @ SEAHAWKS (8-4): The Cardinals hopes of an NFC West division title more or less rest on this game. They have to spin the dreidel and hope it comes up gimel, am I right?! Cards 35-31.

VIKINGS (6-6) @ 49ERS (3-9): Adrian Petersen should have a field day against the Niners. And if he doesn't, well it shouldn't matter much cause it's not like the Niners are gonna score points or anything. I've seen more scoring at Orthodox temples, for Moses' sake! Vikes 21-6.

BROWNS (7-5) @ JETS (3-9): The Browns could make the playoffs! I know it seems like I'm speaking Yiddish right? But it's true, the Browns are in the hunt right now! But the Jets are feisty and at least slightly better than their record indicates. In the battle of the former Patriots' coaches I'm taking the Browns 24-23.

CHIEFS (4-8) @ BRONCOS (5-7): For a hot second it looked like the Chiefs would be playoff contenders. Well that's over. And now with Priest Holmes done, I can't even put in my, "He's gonna be Rabbi Holmes for this one" joke. Oh wait, I guess I just did, sort of. Broncos 23-17.

STEELERS (9-3) @ PATRIOTS (12-0): Former Syracuse standout Anthony Smith has guaranteed a win. Pretty bold, and stupid, statement. And that's not just because I think the 'Burgh won't win, although I do, but because guaranteeing victory is dumb in general. Especially since the Steelers 3 losses have all been on the road to teams that are not nearly as good as the Pats. But who knows, maybe the Pats will offer them a mitzvah and tank the game for them. Not likely though. Patriots 28-23.

COLTS (10-2) @ RAVENS (4-8): Even with a depleted receiving corps, the Colts should be able to take the Ravens. This'll be the classic game where everyone thinks the Ravens are gonna be tough down the stretch cause they almost beat the Pats, but they come out and get whooped by the Colts. Oy vay! Don't fall into the trap, Colts nosh on the Ravens 17-6.

SAINTS (5-7) @ FALCONS (3-9): Remember back, last winter, when the schedule came out and this looked worthy of a Monday Night game? Now, no Vick, no Bush, no winning teams and the boys over at ESPN in charge of picking the MNF games are looking a bit meshuggeneh. But I guess that's why it's not called ESP. Saints 31-16.

And now your cheese:
Mahzeltov!

WEEK 13: HEEEEEERE'S JOHNNY! KITNA THAT IS.

Okay, well, week thirteen is upon us, and sure, I didn't make a pick for the Packers-Cowboys game, but if it's on the NFL Network does it really count? It does? Bah! Any game that I have to travel to seven bars and over three towns to find shouldn't count. That's what I says anyways. Well, if you are scoring at home I would've picked the Packers, so there! Ya happy? Anyways, we've gotta a lot on our plates right now. There's half a cheesesteak, chips...no just kidding, I met our metaphoric plate, which is not covered with anything nearly as delicious. So this week we're gonna cut down on the words, but hopefully not the entertainment value. So since this is the time of year, when Oscar "buzz" is all around, so we're gonna go with a movie themed week thirteen picks, inserting some classic movie quotes to get the job done. Enjoy:

FALCONS @ RAMS: "Frankly my dear I don't give a damn!" Well it's true. Rams 24-17.

BILLS @ REDSKINS: "I coulda been a contenda" Could go for either squad. Not to say they're both outta the playoff picture, but they can ill afford a loss this week. Bills 17-13.

LIONS @ VIKINGS: "Yo, Adriaaaaaaaaan!" Uh, Petersen that is. He's back in the lineup, which is bad news for Kitna and the Lions. Vikes 28-27.

TEXANS @ TITANS: "They've done studies, you know. 60% of the time it works, every time." If only VY was that consistent. Texans 12-9.

JAGUARS @ COLTS: "You'll get nothing and like it!" If only it were that easy Jags. Colts 13-10.

JETS @ DOLPHINS: "Dan Marino should die of gonorrhea and rot in hell." Nothing to do with Sunday's game, just pretinent anyday I feel. Jets 21-14.

CHARGERS @ CHIEFS: "You're gonna eat lightning and crap thunder!" Well I don't think the Chiefs will be eating up the Bolts, but Herm Edwards should be crappin' something after the game. Chargers 31-17.

SEAHAWKS @ EAGLES: "I had a rough night and I hate the f**kin Eagles man!" I don't personally have anything against the Eagles, I just thought there should be a Big Lebowski quote in here somewhere. Eagles 24-20.

49ERS @ PANTHERS: "U-G-L-Y. You ain'y got no alibi! You ugly! You ugly! Yo momma said your oogly!" I think that about sums up the Niners offense and probably this matchup. Panthers 13-9.

BUCCANEERS @ SAINTS: "The price is wrong, bitch!" Saints 27-17.

BROWNS @ CARDINALS: "Dogs and cats living together, mass hysteria!" I mean Browns and Cards playing a somewhat meaningful game in December? Wow. Browns 30-24.

BRONCOS @ RAIDERS: "I knew it, I'm surrounded by assholes!" Broncos 24-20.

GIANTS @ BEARS:"It's like watching a bunch of retards trying to hump a doorknob out there!" Giants 21-10.

BENGALS @ STEELERS:" Fasten your seatbelts it's gonna be a bumpy night." Steelers 28-17.

PATRIOTS @ RAVENS: "Yeah crabcakes and football, that's what Maryland does!" Well they're half right. Pats 37-9.