ROUNDOFFS-FEATURING PLAYOFF BEARDS

Egads, it's been half a fortnight since the last new post here at "Bitterness", and while we've had longer posting droughts, we are hoping to at least have one fresh post a week, as our pledge to you, our loyal readers. And that was the longest sentence in the history of "Bitterness". You are now part of history. But enough of that foolishness, on with the show! It's "Roundoff" time, once again, and we do not care for any pro gymnasts, or anti-guymnasts for that matter, to tell us the true meaning of the "roundoff". No thank you! It's what we say it is, and it's when the Oompa Loompas in Willy Wonka do those little half cartwheel, half somersault things. Bill, you were there. Speaking of Bill, he likes hockey, and as luck would have it, the NHL Playoffs are in full swing and.......




The Sabres just may be the team to beat in the Prince of Wales Conference. And much like a proposed bill in Congress, they will have to go through the Senators. And what a front line they present. Kerry, Obama, Clinton? You kidding me? Although Hillary's playoff beard has not really grown in so, well, advantage Sabres. But seriously, the boys from Buffalo are exciting to watch and the tension between the Sabres and the Senators is palpable, I think? But I'm definitely in the Sabres corner, and I think they should be able to do it, if they stick to their guns and wear throwback jerseys. It's the only way to resurrect the spirits of Darren Puppa and dale Hawerchuk. Not that they're dead, they just don't play anymore. Just face facts Senators fans, Alexei Yashin is not walkin through that door, deal with it! Here are some playoff beards to ease the pain of that last statement.












While it's very easy to get caught in the majesty of playoff beards, we mustn't forget that this is one of the greatest times of the year for movies. Kids are out of school so movie studios will blast us with special effects and big name stars at every corner. There are so many movies that we here at "Bitterness" want to see and have high hopes for, that it seems almost implausible, though not impossible, that they'll live up to the hype. But in a summer full of blockbusters, we want to take this time to endorse a nice little, low budget indie film, that won't get much press or publicity, and thus needs the help of us here at "Bitterness". Now it's a movie that should speak to any male of my generation, for sure. This little film that can, is, none other than Transformers. Who doesn't love robots, right? And robots that turn into cars or other things, like cassette players? Sounds great. I mean they obviously have a low budget, as they signed that Even Stevens kid to act in it. Well, since there will be very few ads or promotions found about this film, we took the liberty of finding some exclusive shots from the movie set, for your viewing pleasure, enjoy:












Oh man, I cannot wait for Voltron and Thundercats! But there really are a lot of movies the staff at "Bitterness" are itching to see this summer, and we're not just talking about Spiderman the Third: At World's Order of the Pheonix Ultimatum, no, no. This is the summer for lovable tv stars to rock the box office. Well "rock" may not be accurate. How 'bout, will at least do fair in theaters and develop a cult following later? But if you're wondering what I'm blabbing about, check out what I mean, here. No, don't adjust your monitors, my talents have been noticed once again and I am now a contributor on yet another blog. Don't be alarmed, this will in not affect the quality of "Bitterness" in any way, shape or form. Speaking of form....


That Barry Bonds sure likes he's in midseason form.....for a 28 year-old. And he can deny using performance enhancers all he wants, but we'll never believe him one bit. In fact we have some pretty damning evidence. Many don't know that Mr. Bonds was on the hit TV game show Match Game in 1998. Now they will never air this episode again, so if you didn't catch it, you missed out, but we were able to unearth the transcript from the show in question.

Paul Boland: Suzy complained that she has very little time to get to the gym. The only way she stays in shape is with a lot of blanking.

Boland: Okay let's go to Barry Bonds and see what he put down. Barry?
Barry: HGHing?
Boland: Oooh. I'm sorry, that's not a match, and may not be an actual term.

Later in the show.....
Boland: Well, Larry, very unfortuantely, you've been paired with Barry Bonds to help you go for the big bucks. If you can match the number one audience answer you'll win some big money. Now although Barry has been nowhere near matching anyone today, you still have a shot. So here we go, Larry and Barry.....the first part is....STAIR_____.

Larry: Well?
Boland: Let's see. Well is the number two audience answer. Barry?
Barry: Roid?
Boland: Stair..roid? Hmmm? Okay, that wasn't on the board Barry, but Larry, you still walk away with a good chunk of cash! See you next time.

Bonds was never asked back.

If that's not enough, how about we use our newest technological advancement the Future Machine. We are currently the only blog that can look into the future and see what people will look like down the road. So we put Barry's picture into the Future Machine and this is what Barry will look like in 10 years:



Compared to a nice wholesome Jon Kitna, whose only performance enhancer is milk, ten years from now:

What a ruggedly handsome Christian.

Well, that it's it for this edition of "Roundoffs". Hope you enjoyed and be good out there.

THE FUTURE?

Well the NFL Draft has come and gone, and now you're left wondering which picks will pan out, who will flop , and who the pleasant little surprises will be. But luckily for you, the staff at "Bitterness" has been working around the clock, looking over names and numbers of every single draft pick. We've created bar graphs, line graphs, and pie charts, so you, our beloved readers, won't have to wait for these guys to even play a game to find out what will happen.

THE BUSTS:
BRADY QUINN-MEDICINE WOMAN, CELEVELAND- We're just playing the odds here. I mean, the Browns? They haven't exactly been a great judge of talent. Their first round picks over the years list like a who's who of draft busts. But with two first round picks, the odds are only one will be bad. Cause they've improved over the last couple years, sure, but let's face it, they're due. Plus, they're quarterback judgement has never been, well, good. I mean, time's gonna tell on Charlie Frye and Spergon Wynn, sure, but does the name Tim Couch ring a bell? Eric Zeier? The last QB the Brownies drafted that did anything? Take your time. Actually, we've only researched back to 1982, so we'll get back to you. This could also be because so many people want Quinn to be a bust, that we can will it with our minds.


LEVI "BUTTON FLY" BROWN, ARIZONA- We like that Arizona went out to beef up that offensive line with this top pick, but there's something that tells us he just won't pan out. Oh, yeah, playing in Arizona. Now usually the first couple tackles taken in the draft pan out, but not this year. Cardinals should've tried to trade up for Joe Thomas or down for Joe Staley. Joe is a solid blocking name, whereas, Levi? Biblical, yes, but that not withstanding, we feel "button fly" won't do much in the NFL. HE could very well be the next Blake Brockermeyer.

LEON "KIDS IN THE" HALL or LEON-ME HALL, CINCINNATI- Playing in Cincy, he'll probably be in jail before he makes his first career interception, but if he escapes those odds, will still be very overrated. There were a few comparisons to Ty Law, but we don't see it. The only similarity we see is that they both played DB for Michigan. Sorry Benglas fans, but he join the likes of Keiwann Ratliff and Jonathan Joseph, the last two corners drafted by the Bengals in fighting for time on the nickel and dime packages.


TED GINN "AND JUICE", MIAMI- Just call it a hunch, but we think Teddy-bear will be a huge flop and a terrible pick by the Dolphins. I know they want to replace Wes Welker, but they already have Az-Zahir Akim and P.K. Sam. I mean, really, how's he even gonna get playing time? We see a career that'll last because of returning skills, but that's all, hardly worth a first round pick. If anything he's the next Tamarick Vanover. But on the plus side, once his career goes south (even more south than Miami) he can look forward to teaming up with O.J. Simpson on some VH-1 show called "Ginn and Juice". The details of the show, are still up in the air. Tamarick Vanover is still waiting for the right vehicle to get him back into the mainstream.

SURPRISES:
The surprises, are gonna be those guys from the fifth through seventh round who will be impact players. You know your Curtis Martins, Tom Bradys, Terrell Davis' and yes, Marques Colstons. So here ya go:


CB-RASHARD BARKSDALE, PHILADELPHIA- The defensive back out of Albany has a huge upside, we guess. He should become a household name in 2-3 years, you watch, cause he's Dane-gerous!

LB-JUSTIN ROGERS, NEW ENGLAND- Bill Belichik is a tremendous judge of talent, so we think theis Southern Methodist will make a big impact for the Pats. We predict he'll bein the Pro Bowl in three years.

WR-JORDAN KENT, SEATTLE- Now we know the last wide receiver named Kent, didn't pan out so well, but, he will be know Joey, believe you me. We feel that once they see his skills they'll feel free to jettison a high-priced receiver like Deion Branch, to pave the way for this former Oregon Duck.

WR-JOHNATHAN HOLLAND's OPUS, OAKLAND- One pick away from being Mr. Irrelevant, Holland is, in the literal sense, this year's Marques Colston. But the comparisons won't stop there, as he and J-Russ will quickly bond in camp and will soon become the next Kitna to Galloway. In fact after Holland bursts on to the scene, the second to last pick in the draft will be as coveted as the first pick!

WR-STEVE BREASTON, ARIZONA- Breaston will be added to what will soon be the best wide receiving corps in all the land. This was a fifth round steal for the Cardinals! We had Breaston as like late third, early fourth round in our heads, but he dropped and now the Cards will reap all the benefits.

ILB-H.B. BLADES, WASHINGTONB-H- H.B. is soon gonna stand for Hitting Bastard, as he bursts onto the Washington football scene! Blades will slice through offenses and be a hitting machine! So lookout!

QB- JORDAN PALMER, WASHINGTON- A good draft by the 'Skins as they have another good find. There's always a QB in the late rounds who is destined for greatness. Plus as Carson's younger brother, he looks just like him, which could confuse some defenses. Plus he attended UTEP, which means he knows the UTEP-Three-Step drop. The sky's the limit for J-Palm!


RB-KENNETH "TERENCE TRENT" DARBY, TAMPA BAY- With "Cadillac" Williams being downgraded to a Pinto after last year, and the quarterback situation super murky, Darby has his chance to take the NFL by storm! And there's no doubt in our minds, that he will.

Well there ya have it, who's gonna be a bust as well as a few surprises. And just to prove we know what we're talking about...we're the ones that predicted Sylvester Morris would be the next Herman Moore, that John Offerdahl was a sure fire Hall of Famer and that Leeland McElroy would break all sorts of rushing records. So there!