Tuesday, May 08, 2007


Egads, it's been half a fortnight since the last new post here at "Bitterness", and while we've had longer posting droughts, we are hoping to at least have one fresh post a week, as our pledge to you, our loyal readers. And that was the longest sentence in the history of "Bitterness". You are now part of history. But enough of that foolishness, on with the show! It's "Roundoff" time, once again, and we do not care for any pro gymnasts, or anti-guymnasts for that matter, to tell us the true meaning of the "roundoff". No thank you! It's what we say it is, and it's when the Oompa Loompas in Willy Wonka do those little half cartwheel, half somersault things. Bill, you were there. Speaking of Bill, he likes hockey, and as luck would have it, the NHL Playoffs are in full swing and.......

The Sabres just may be the team to beat in the Prince of Wales Conference. And much like a proposed bill in Congress, they will have to go through the Senators. And what a front line they present. Kerry, Obama, Clinton? You kidding me? Although Hillary's playoff beard has not really grown in so, well, advantage Sabres. But seriously, the boys from Buffalo are exciting to watch and the tension between the Sabres and the Senators is palpable, I think? But I'm definitely in the Sabres corner, and I think they should be able to do it, if they stick to their guns and wear throwback jerseys. It's the only way to resurrect the spirits of Darren Puppa and dale Hawerchuk. Not that they're dead, they just don't play anymore. Just face facts Senators fans, Alexei Yashin is not walkin through that door, deal with it! Here are some playoff beards to ease the pain of that last statement.

While it's very easy to get caught in the majesty of playoff beards, we mustn't forget that this is one of the greatest times of the year for movies. Kids are out of school so movie studios will blast us with special effects and big name stars at every corner. There are so many movies that we here at "Bitterness" want to see and have high hopes for, that it seems almost implausible, though not impossible, that they'll live up to the hype. But in a summer full of blockbusters, we want to take this time to endorse a nice little, low budget indie film, that won't get much press or publicity, and thus needs the help of us here at "Bitterness". Now it's a movie that should speak to any male of my generation, for sure. This little film that can, is, none other than Transformers. Who doesn't love robots, right? And robots that turn into cars or other things, like cassette players? Sounds great. I mean they obviously have a low budget, as they signed that Even Stevens kid to act in it. Well, since there will be very few ads or promotions found about this film, we took the liberty of finding some exclusive shots from the movie set, for your viewing pleasure, enjoy:

Oh man, I cannot wait for Voltron and Thundercats! But there really are a lot of movies the staff at "Bitterness" are itching to see this summer, and we're not just talking about Spiderman the Third: At World's Order of the Pheonix Ultimatum, no, no. This is the summer for lovable tv stars to rock the box office. Well "rock" may not be accurate. How 'bout, will at least do fair in theaters and develop a cult following later? But if you're wondering what I'm blabbing about, check out what I mean, here. No, don't adjust your monitors, my talents have been noticed once again and I am now a contributor on yet another blog. Don't be alarmed, this will in not affect the quality of "Bitterness" in any way, shape or form. Speaking of form....

That Barry Bonds sure likes he's in midseason form.....for a 28 year-old. And he can deny using performance enhancers all he wants, but we'll never believe him one bit. In fact we have some pretty damning evidence. Many don't know that Mr. Bonds was on the hit TV game show Match Game in 1998. Now they will never air this episode again, so if you didn't catch it, you missed out, but we were able to unearth the transcript from the show in question.

Paul Boland: Suzy complained that she has very little time to get to the gym. The only way she stays in shape is with a lot of blanking.

Boland: Okay let's go to Barry Bonds and see what he put down. Barry?
Barry: HGHing?
Boland: Oooh. I'm sorry, that's not a match, and may not be an actual term.

Later in the show.....
Boland: Well, Larry, very unfortuantely, you've been paired with Barry Bonds to help you go for the big bucks. If you can match the number one audience answer you'll win some big money. Now although Barry has been nowhere near matching anyone today, you still have a shot. So here we go, Larry and Barry.....the first part is....STAIR_____.

Larry: Well?
Boland: Let's see. Well is the number two audience answer. Barry?
Barry: Roid?
Boland: Stair..roid? Hmmm? Okay, that wasn't on the board Barry, but Larry, you still walk away with a good chunk of cash! See you next time.

Bonds was never asked back.

If that's not enough, how about we use our newest technological advancement the Future Machine. We are currently the only blog that can look into the future and see what people will look like down the road. So we put Barry's picture into the Future Machine and this is what Barry will look like in 10 years:

Compared to a nice wholesome Jon Kitna, whose only performance enhancer is milk, ten years from now:

What a ruggedly handsome Christian.

Well, that it's it for this edition of "Roundoffs". Hope you enjoyed and be good out there.


  1. Those beards are tremendous. It's as though hockey hair wasn't magical enough...they brought the mulletude to the front. It's quite breath-taking.

    That other blog you're working on looks like the greatest pop culture blog of all time. I will be sure to tell all of my friends.

    And if you don't agree that Barry Bonds is the greatest public speaker--nay, HUMANITARIAN--of all time, I will fight you.

  2. Wait, Ewoks and Oompa Loompas playing hockey?

    You are right, your talents HAVE been noticed. They must've been noticed by two equally talented ladies.