WEEK FIVE: NO COUNTRY FOR OLD KITNA

Due to some whathaveyous, I'm gonna have to kind of give you a quick hitting version of this week's picks. Not to worry though, next week "Bitterness" will reemerge with the thunder! Now on with the show!

VIKINGS @ RAMS: I cannot envision many scenarios in which the Rams would win this game. Um, let's see, if the Vikings starters are inflicted with swine flu, maybe, maybe the Rams will have a chance. So, barring any sort of plague befalling the Vikes, Rams will lose. Vikings 28-10

COWBOYS @ CHIEFS: Did you notice that, for the most part the one o'clock games are pretty lame? The Cowboys are about as inconsistent as they come right now. Well sort of. They beat bad teams and lose to teams that are mediocre or above. Using that rationale, I'd go with the 'Boys 38-21

REDSKINS @ PANTHERS: One of my favorite stats I've seen thus far this year, is that the Redskins have yet to face a team with a win. Not a winning record, a win. Giants (0-0), Rams (0-1), Lions (0-2), Bucs (0-3). And the trend continues with the winless Panthers this week. Unfortunately the 'Skins have not looked impressive in any of these games and Mark Rypien's not walking through that door. Panthers 24-20

BUCCANEERS @ EAGLES: Westbrook healthy + McNabb healthy + Jackson healthy= bad news for the Bucs. Eagles 31-17

RAIDERS @ GIANTS: Will Eli play or not? Will it matter? Giants 28-17

BROWNS @ BILLS: Well, someone's gotta win. Bills 24-20

BENGALS @ RAVENS: Probably the best early game going on Sunday. Bengals are the feel good story thus far, but the Ravens can change that in a hurry, bringing Cincy and their fans back to Earth for at least a week. Ravens 21-14

STEELERS @ LIONS: Get your tickets for the Duante Culpepper experience now, while they're still available. Steelers 31-21

FALCONS @ FORTY-NINERS: One of several intriguing four o'clock matchups. The Falcons are rested and have had to think about that clunker they had in Foxboro, but the Niners are playing inspired football. Niners 17-13

PATRIOTS @ BRONCOS: The Broncos are the most overrated 4-0 team out there. That's not to say they're not good, they just haven't proven it yet. The Patriots historically struggle in the mile-high air, and Josh McDaniels is a Belichik protege. Look for the lame duck handshake after Denver moves to 5-0. Broncos 17-13

TEXANS @ CARDINALS: This one has all the makings of a high falootin', gunslingin', all or nothinin', desert shootout. Cards 42-37

JAGUARS @ SEAHAWKS: Hey, what was with those electric green jersey the 'Hawks were sporting the other week? Um, Seahawks the World League of American Football called, they want their jerseys back. Seahawks 25-22

COLTS @ TITANS: Love that people want to bench Kerry Collins for Vince Young. I can't say it's an all out terrible idea. I mean if anything he adds a different dimension the defense has to account for, and no I don't mean "suckiness". Honestly I don't see what they have to lose? If they lose everyone will be critical of whatever Jeff Fisher does anyway, might as well look like your trying to do something. They're already four games back in the division, with 12 to play, for Pete sake! Colts 34-24

JETS @ DOLPHINS: I realize the Dolphins did some thing last year, but this is already the second time they've been on Monday night! And both games in Miami, on that atrocious looking field? That's just makes me mad. Come on! Jets 21-17

And now your Cheeeeeeeese!

WEEK FOUR: WHY DID I NEVER CALL KITNA "KIT-KAT"?

RAIDERS @ TEXANS: The Texans are not a playoff team. I said it before the season started, and I am saying it again now. Of course you don't need to be a playoff contender to beat the Raiders, because they are not good at football. Is it just me or does it get harder and harder, week after week, to figure out exactly why the Raiders cut Jeff Garcia loose? Texans 27-10

TITANS @ JAGUARS: Time to panic in Tennessee? Possibly. If they lose to the Jags they may as well call it a season. This is an absolute, without a doubt, no question about it, bread and butter, black and white, must win game for the Titans. And like the Titans of yore, win they shall! Titans 24-17

RAVENS @ PATRIOTS: This one fixes to be a good old-fashioned boondoggle! Whatever the heck that means? Did the Patriots really prove themselves against the Falcons? Did they? Did they? DID THEY?! Maybe. But the Ravens are running on all cylinders. Every single cylinder. There is not one cylinder, NOT ONE, that they are not running on. Ravens 24-20

BENGALS @ BROWNS: Wow! What a surprise win by the Bengals last week, right? Oh wait, that was my upset special last week. Boom. The Bengals are better than most people think, but let's not get too far ahead of ourselves here, it's a long season, and I don't think the playoffs are in their immediate future. But what I really want to talk about is the utter putridity (I may have invented that word) that is the Cleveland Browns. More to the point, Mangini-us. How quick the tables can turn. It was only a couple years ago that the "genius" label was bestowed upon the young Mangini and now he is quite possibly the worst coaching hire in the last quarter century, and that includes Rich Kotite! And now he has replaced Brady Quinn, Medicine Woman with "Dandy" Derek Anderson. Or has he? Could this be another Mangini-sized rouse? A cunning attempt to trick the Bengals? Not only does Mr. Mangini seem in over his head most of the time, but he just seems to suck the life and happiness out of everything that is supposed to be fun, sort of like a dementor. He almost, almost, makes Bill Belichik look whimsical. Bengals 28-6

GIANTS @ CHIEFS: Tough to say how good the Giants really are. They beat the Redskins, who could very well be 0-3, the Bucs, who are 0-3, and the Cowboys, who are inconsistent at best. The path to 5-0 is pretty much paved in gold. Chiefs this week, Raiders next week. Current combined record of the Giants' first five opponents, 4-11. And one of those wins was because the Chiefs played the Raiders, and, well, one of them was likely to win that matchup. The another win was because the Cowboys played the Bucs. So those head-to-head matchups aside, makes that record 2-11. Seems like it's good to be the G-Men. The Giants that is. I am unaware if it is good to be the FBI. Giants 34-17

And now the lightning round, where the dollar values can really double!

LIONS @ BEARS: If the Lions win a game and nobody's watching, does it still count? I don't see that win over the 'Skins escalating into any sort of, what's the word, "streak"? Bears 27-18

BUCCANEERS @ REDSKINS: If there was any a time for Raheem "The Dream" to get his first win as a head coach, seems like this would be it. Even the 'Skins can't be that bad. Can they? Skins 21-12

SEAHAWKS @ COLTS: Seneca Wallace versus Peyton Manning. Hardly an epic matchup. Colts 31-17

JETS @ SAINTS: Probably the most intriguing matchup of the week. Good offense versus good defense. Well you know the old saying, "Offense wins games, defense wins championships." We'll see. Saints 24-20

BILLS @ DOLPHINS: The Bills secondary is battered up. If the already weak Miami passing game, wasn't starting a rookie at QB, I'd be concerned for the Billsies. Bills 17-10

NINERS @ RAMS: I think the Rams might get "creamed" with Glenn Coffee this week. 49ers 23-9

COWBOYS @ BRONCOS: A Broncos win could earn them a smidge of respectabilty, who knows. The point should be moot. Cowboys 28-20

CHARGERS @ STEELERS: Both of these teams are sort of shambles of their former selves right now. Philip Rivers probably won't throw for 400 yards in this one. Or maybe he will? I dunno. Steelers 24-21

PACKERS @ VIKINGS: Ah, the matchup many people circled on their NFL schedule, calendars. It's always a big moment when you take on a former teammate, in primetime, for the division lead. And when the Packers head to Minnesota to face former Packer legend Ryan Longwell, it will be no different. Packers 27-23

And now your cheese.....hats: