Thursday, October 07, 2004

Bitterness 101

First off I would like to wish my good friend Kenneth Jones a belated Happy Birthday! Go get 'em Kenners! Mothers, lock up your daughters, Ken's on the prowl!
So, while I was working out at the gym the other day. What?! Okay fine you got me Columbo ("You see Columbo, he pretends to be stupid, when really he's sharp like tack."), while I was drinking heavily at a bar the other day I started thinking. No, really, I did. It all started with something, my faithful hetero-life mate Bill Shannon, had said to be hours earlier. Allow me to paint you a picture:
As you may or may not no, I am, on occassion, a tad bit on the bitter side. Sure there are several stages of my bitterness, the highest level, of course, being bitter, drunken Willie. At this point I become very bitter, angry and will, at times, engage in nonsensical arguments, which I don't lose, in my mind anyway. Actually, whilst in this stage I may at some point in my incoherent ranting realize I'm wrong, but keep going for know other reason, than to avoid admitting I'm wrong. One example, would be when my doctor, Dr Chaos himself, Mark Phelps, and I were arguing about the Olympics, of all things, at a local watering hole and we were asked to leave, due to the fact that we could not control, "THE VOLUMES OF OUR VOICES!" It's not something I'm gonna throw on a resume, sure, but I think it adds a unique variable to the bar experience. But, I digress, back to the tale at hand, Billy.
You see Billy and his better half Rage KJ went to the Buffalo Bills, New England Patriots game this past Sunday. In retelling his story, he said he, during the game, had turned into drunken, bitter Willie. Sure, like a mom learning her child had finally stopped wetting the bed, I was proud. However, as he went into detail, I realized this drunken, bitter Billy would not have pleased me. You see the Bills (Bill's favorite squadron) were playing host to the defending World Champion and undefeated New England Patriots (Willie's favorite squadron). Now, as Bill can attest, in general we have no real ill wishes towards each other or our respective teams, because as I put it, "The two teams have never really been good at the same time." So really there is no hatred, from me, towards the Bills. I reserve my football hatred for the Dolphins, Cowboys and Raiders, oh my! But, poor Bill, was seated amongst a large Patriot contingent, in BUFFALO! Which, is fine, gotta go and support the team, right? But a bunch of them had red shirts, with the number 32 on the front, with either O.J. or Juice printed on it (you'll have to ask Bill, I am telling this second- hand.) and on the back a number 11, with the words "Wide Right". Now, if you're not a Bills fan, this is, I will admit humorous, but at the same time cruel. As I previously mentioned, there is no need for Patriots fans to have any sort of hatred directed towards the Bills or their fans. But this is like opening up Pandora's Box with my young bitter padawan learner, as well it should of. Now what Bill yelled, I cannot endorse, but I also do not fault him for it. The only thing to do in Bill's situation, that would not possibly cost him jail time (Jail time? What am I talking about, his brother's BEACH JUSTICE!), was to yell out, a chant I could not and would not, ever, ever, ever utter in that tone, "19-18!" Now Bill hates the Yankees with a lot of his being, not as much as me, because only master Yoda has those kinda of levels, he was just doing it to get a rise out of said hecklers, which is CHAPTER 1 in Willie Moe's: A Guide to Being Bitter (to order, call toll free 1-800-555-HOTT, operators are standing by. Order now and get a free MEGA-MART NO THANK YOU mesh hat!).
You see, while at the bar both the Yankees-Twins and Red Sox-Angels games were on. From what I could tell, there were only Yankees and Red Sox fans watching these games. But both sets of fans had a rooting interest in both games. Red Sox fans cheering on the BoSox and the Twins, while Yankee fans rooted on the Angels and the Yanks. It's just amazing how much you can hate people, without even talking to them or hearing them speak, just by who they're cheering for. I love it! Which brings me to the Yankees fans. Now, if Yankees fans feel they are so far superior than the Red Sox and are not worried about the Red Sox, why would they be rootin against them? After all, according to everyone outside of Beantown, this isn't a rivalry, because it's so one-sided. But is it, is it really? The way Yankees fans talk you would think the Red Sox hardly ever beat them. Sure they have like 20 more championships, but in head-to-head, last I checked it's been pretty close of late (not over the span of their entire existences). Just in the last two years, for example , the two teams have split the last 64 meetings (this is before this year's ALCS, which I'm not even gonna get into, we'll save the bitter blog for a later date). Or the fact that in the late 80s, early 90s, The Red Sox were winnning the AL East, with division titles in '86, '88, and '90. Seems pretty lop-sided to me (note the sarcasm). now Yankees fans may say, well they're winning now, you're talking about the past. Oh, the past, really? The past as in 1918, past? Or 2000, the last Yankees title, past? Yankees fans make me extremely angry and bitter, that's a given. They are like the little spoiled kid down the street who gets everything he wants, like the Knight Rider Big Wheel. Damn you kid who's name I can't remember because your family moved in 2nd grade! But I digress. Now I'm not saying Red Sox fans aren't annoying, because that certainly would not be true, but obviously that annoys me less. And it's not all fans. Its those Yankees fans who come out in October and have no idea what's going on and yell out stupid crap at bars and cheer for fly balls that are routine outs (God I hate that!) and saying things like, and this is an exact quote about the ALCS during Game 1 at the Change of Pace, where they have the most glorious wings ever, but anyway, now that you're lost in this sentence and may need a nap, "Is this a best of seven series?" I just want to grab one of those Quick Draw pencils and stab them in the eye! Now that I've vented a little, I can about my business of the day, which of course will involve drinking and being very bitter, whilst continuing with Billy-ball's bitter training.

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