FACE-OFF!

As Black History Month draws to a close, "Bitterness" emerges with a new segment that will either be a raging success or go horribly awry. And on a quick sidenote, why does no one care that it's not "African-American History Month"? I mean any time someone calls a person "Black" they get all, "It's African American, you dumb crackah!" Anyways, the working title of the segment is "Face-Off", but this has a good chance of both entertaining and, more importantly, educating. You see each week I will pit two opposing parties (people, events, socio-political parties, etc.) against each other in a no holds barred battle to the death. Okay well that's a tad bit extreme, but you get the picture. Or maybe you don't. Well, why don't I just get the ball rolling with the innaugaral match-up, and you can just catch up as you follow along. In honor of the last day of Black History month, I have decided to put two great African-American entertainers up against each other to see which one really measures up in the tale of the tape. So here it is, history in the making, the first ever Bitterness is a Fish You Can Catch "Face-Off", 80s Black History edition:
_GARY COLEMAN VS. EMMANUEL LEWIS_______________


ARNOLD JACKSON AGAINST WEBSTER LONG






Let me start by saying this is GC vs. Manny in the 80s.
Well let's get right down to it. Will start with the biggie:
HEIGHT:
GC towers over 4'3 Webster at 4'8.
Point: Coleman

AGE:
Coleman is also three years older than the lovable Emmanuel. Point Emmanuel

ADOPTIVE TV FAMILY:
Well this is a tough one. Phillip Drummond or Maam and George Papadapolis. While Mr. Drummond was stinkin rich, George was a an ex-NFLer and could kick Mr. Drummond's old white hindquarters. This one is a toss-up!





NON SITCOM WORK:
Well GC had a few stellar movie roles in "The Kid from Left Field", "The Kid with the Broken Halo", "The Kid with a 200 I.Q.". In each of these movies he starred with the great Robert Guillaume, aka Benson, aka the head honcho on ABC's "Sports Night". While Emmanuel only really starred as himself after "Webster". Although the Surreal Life certainly sent Emmanuel's stock up, up, up! One point doesn't do this category justice. So it goes to Emmanuel 10-7

AWKWARD/SCARY TV MOMENT:
You may already know where this one is going. Arnold Jackson and his pal Dudley, narrowly avoiding being molested by Gordon Jump. This tops anything that has ever happened to EL, even having to live with Corey Feldman. Webster did have his moments as well. He was bed wetter and burned down the Papadapolis' aprtment, but this lead to big house, which he thought initially to be haunted. Dudley's shirt off gives this category to GC 10-4

THE CLINCHER!!!:

GAME..................SET....................MATCH TO MR. COLEMAN!

For Pete's Sake!

On February 29th, 1968, in Bemidji, Minnesota, Bob and Jan Fenson gave birth to an American hero. Their child, young Peter Fenson (pictured on your left), started his life off on the kookiest, of kooky days. I mean born on a Leap Day for crying out loud! The kid was destined for greatness. Raised in the land of a thousand lakes, Fenson would, soon enough, take to the winter sports that make Minnesota, well, Minnesota. But unlike other Minnesotanites, Minnesotas, Minnesotans, like Mike Ramsey, Dave Christian or Brandon Walsh, it was not the game of hockey that was Fenson's fancy. You see at the tender age of thirteen, Pete took to the little known sport of curling.

A sport not known to much of the United States, curling may have seemed like a strange choice to most others, but not for a resident Bemidjian. Now you probably know of the mighty Bemidji State Beavers hockey powerhouse, but what you may not know is that Bemidji, Minnesota is "Curling Town USA." So it was no surprise the Pete took the sport that is now sweeping the nation. In fact the USA Curling website has had over 12 million hits since the start of this particular Winter Olympiad. But, back to Pete.

In addition to being the owner and operator of Dave's Pizza (making him an instant favorite at BIAFYCC), he is also the skip for the United States Olympic Curling team. The skip is like the quarterback or point guard of the curling team. The skip is the player who holds the broom as a target for shots by the other three players. But more importantly, the skip is the team strategist and must read the ice, anticipate the amount of curl and call the shots. He's sort of like Leon's character in Cool Runnings. Fenson has the U.S. Team poised for a run at an Olympic Medal in '06. Pete Fenson: Husband, father, son, brother, pizza shop owner, Olympic curler and one heeeeeeeeelllllllllllllof a model American!


Here's to you Pete Fenson! Do our country proud!!

Where's the Dome Ranger when you need him?!

The original title of this blog was going to be, "You can't spell suck without S-U!" , but I thought this may be a tad bit harsh. After all, the Orange do have 17 wins and could still make the NCAA tournament. For now I'll just reserve the s-word for those truly deserving of it, like poor 3-win Prarie View or the "good" teams I love to hate, like Duke and UCLA. The original title was just the first thing that popped into my head after watching the Orange fall at the hands of the Cincinnati Bearcats in a most pathetic fashion. I am of course, if you haven't already figured it out, talking about the Syracuse University men's basketball team.

You see, the Orange, are on "the bubble", a term used to denote those teams who's shot at getting into the NCAA Tournament is still more or less up in the air. SU has, for the better part of my lifetime, been placed in the upper echelon of men's college basketball programs. Never what I would consider a powerhouse, but a solid program that much of the time has a very good chance at making the Final Four of the NCAA tournament. Jim Boeheim is a Hall Of Fame coach with a resume that includes three trips to the Final Game and one National Championship. They have plenty of history, great players, great games, etc. But the SU team that I watched lose by double digits to Cincy on Wednesday was to put it bluntly, pa-thetic. The Orange have not managed, any sort of quality win to guarantee a spot in the NCAA field of 65. Their one win against a top 50 team was at Cincinnati, back in January. This was, however, a Bearcats team that was battered and riddled with injuries, hardly an impressive "W". Now not only have they not had a convincing win, but their games against top 50 teams have been, for the most part, train wrecks. They haven't been playing with any heart, and heart is what it takes to navigate your way into and through the NCAA Tournament. That and some talent, which SU definitely has. With 3 of their last 5 games being against ranked opponents and the other being against fellow bubble team Louisvlle, it's not looking good for the Orange. Saturday's matchup against Louisville at the Dome has turned into what many consider a must win for the Orange.

Rumor has it the Big East will get seven invites to the Big Dance. Now Connecticut, Villanova, West Virginia, Pittsburgh and Georgetown are all locks to make the tourney, leaving two more slots from the Big Beast. The Orange are battling with Marquette, Cincinnati, Seton Hall and Louisville for those remaing invites. Now while SU has been losing to the likes of Seton Hall and Cincinnati, Seton Hall and Marquette have been adding key wins, knocking off the likes of ranked opponents, West Virginia and Georgetown respectively. SU has games against both the Hoyas and Mountaineers still to come. Add the regular season finale against #4 Villanova and it doesn't look good for the guys in orange, white and blue. So you can see, why, as an SU fan, I'm a little concerned. Which is why Saturday is a must have for them. And if they don't play with a little heart and a lot of urgency, March 5th's game against 'Nova won't be their last home game of the season. They'll get to host an NIT game. And nothing short of the Dome Ranger, himself, will be able to save them.

Let's pull together for TBA!

If you don't know what the title of thie blog is in reference too than you have not been watching your Arrested Development! Well tonight February 10th, 2006 is the season, and possibly, the series finale of this great show! You see the Fox Network, which has given us such quality programming as Skating With Celebrities, My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiancee, etc., has more or less decided it will not be picking up AD for another season. A travesty in itself, but that is not the main reason I am p.o.ed! Allow me to elaborate:

You see Fox has not even given AD a chance to survive in the Newtwork jungle. As you may have already heard from my good chum Bill, anyone who watches several episodes of this show, will have a love affair with it as if it were an ice cream sandwich! But it's hard to see several episodes when you have know idea when the EFF it's on!! You see AD originally aired on a Sunday, Fox's primetime jewel. Sunday is the day that has been carried by The Simpsons' for over a decade. This was a good idea, or was it. You see with nothing else of note being after The Simpsons, there was nothing to keep your average viewer glued to the idiot box! You see Fox was trying to make there Sunday like NBC's Must See TV Thursday a day where NBC had Friends at 8pm and Seinfeld at 9pm, with the ever popular ER at 10pm. The rationale here is that TV viewers are so simple minded that they wouldn't change the channel at 8:30 or 9:30, but would just stare at the tube for another half hour watching whatever drivel they chose to put on the air. Sadly, this was true the 8 and 9:30 slots were also sucesses. What a country! Anyways, back to FOX. You see their Sundays have been an utter mess ever since X-Files left the coveted Sunday lineup. Shows have come and gone since, with The Simpsons being the one constant. One of the shows is of course AD. Now this brilliant piece of television was put on at 9:30 right before, are you ready?, drum roll please.........the FOX News at 10. Not exactly a banana grabber, eh? Okay that's FOX's strike one!

Now towards the end of season one, FOX started to air some episodes sporadically, slowly foreshadowing it's eventual move from Sundays. Now the last episode of season one aired on June 6, 2004, only a little over a month after the previous episode (4/25/04). Now that's a good build-up to a season finale, if in fact their had been build-up of any sort. You see this episode, I did not see until I bought the DVDs. Now FOX does a great job of annoyingly promoting all their other shows. You know when your watching a football game and they throw that huge promo on the screen for Skating with Celebrities, a show that they probably just had an ad for to begin with. But where was this overkill promo for Arrested Development? FOX had pretty much decided to cut its losses, so to speak and it appeared that AD was in danger of going the way of the dodo. But alas, it would return for a second season.

SEASON TWO:
Season two came back on Sundays and stayed there for the whole season. And although season two had four fewer episodes than season one, it stayed in the same time slot and they even accounted for a three week long hiatus by airing two, that's right TWO new episodes on one crazy night. But of course season two ended under the same threat of cancellation as season one did and once again it would be up to the AD faithful to Save our Bluths. And the Bluthophiles came out in numbers and season three would be on the way! HAZAH!

Now it is important for me to mention here, that FOX did make a smart move in trying to help the show. During the summer they aired the previous season's episodes in a two-hour block on Friday nights. This was a great way to give the show some much needed exposure. FOX actually shows brief signs of intelligent life. Okay, now on to season three.

SEASON THREE:
Season three is where FOX really drops the cornball. You see they decided to move it off of Sundays and on to Mondays. STRIKE TWO!!! Mondays???!!! Now the Bluths would be pitted against King of Queens a show with a steady and loyal following which includes yours truly. While they throw shows like American Dad (about one-third as funny as Family Guy), The War at Home (which had its moments, but Michael Rappaport can't carry a show), into the Sunday night lineup. Neither of these shows is even fit to carry the cut-off shorts of our favorite never-nude. Which brings us to today, when I find out that tonight is the season/series finale. There were no ads, no warnings, no hints, clues, etc. letting me know this was happening. I only found out through the internet that tonight would be a two-hour season finale. STRIKE THREE FOX!! And for those of you who aren't aware of what this two-hour episode is up against, tonight is the opening cermonies for the Twentieth Winter Olympiad in Turin, Italy. Now I personally could care less about the Olympics, except for curling, a real man's sport, since I plan on going out and getting Billy drunk so he can forget that he is now officially the big 3-0. Happy Birthday Bill!! But had I not checked the web I would not of even have thought to DVR anything, I mean it's Friday after all. I would have missed out on 120 minutes of cornholing madness! I mean where does FOX get off burying a two-hour season finale against the Olympic opening ceremony!! So to this I say let's go ABC and pick up Arrested Development! For the rest of you, set your VCRs, your DVRs, your TiVos for what could be the last two hours of AD on FOX!!! And FOX, well you can go eff yourself!! Save our Bluths!!!

Stay Bitter, Planet Earth!

Stupor Bowl

Hellooooooooo sports fans! The Super Bowl is just over two days away, so it is time for everyone to start finalizing their plans for the big day. Break out the chips, pizzas, party subs, beer as it is time to eat, drink and be merry, oh, and if you care to, take in a little football. For those not really interested in the actual game there is plenty you can do to make it a an interesting game and turn the Super Bowl into your own personal Stupor Bowl. Intrigued? Allow me to elaborate:

Well, alcohol makes everything better, so here are some drinking games that'll keep you focused on the "boob tube" during the big game:

1) THE COMMERCIAL DRINKING GAME:
Now this is a game for the whole family. We all know that Super Bowl Sunday is the stage for some, supposed, "brilliant" commercials. Some new, some old. Often times these are more entertaining than the game itself, especially for those none to enthused about the game in the first place. Here's whatcha do- Have everyone at your Super Bowl party/gathering pick a product, like Pepsi or Geico or something and everytime an ad for this comes on the screen, DRINK! Now you can mix it up and have some variations if you want. Like everyone has a specific type of product like beer, cola, insurance, etc. Orrrrr you can have everyone pick a specific brand of a certain product. So everyone will have a beer, cola, automobile, etc. on their commercial drinking lineup. For instance you could have Heineken, Pontiac, and Pepsi or Budweiser, Ford and Mr. Pibb. Okay, so picking obscure products, unlikely to have SB commercials probably shouldn't be allowed. So Mr. Pibb, Pabst Blue Ribbon, Deloreans, Yugo, etc. should be "off the table". Although if you are smart you will have PBR and Mr. Pibb readily available at your party. Add-in some red vines for some crazy deliciousness.

2) THE STORYLINES GAME:
This one should be spearheaded by someone who has been following the past two weeks of "pre-game" hoop-la. A sidenote here, " Bronco Nagurski didn't need no bye week...and now he's dead!"-Moe S.. Okay so this one is fairly easy. Usually there are several "interesting" storylines that will be reoccurring themes throughout the two weeks, that are sure to be talked about during the big game. For instance last year everytime they called Belichik a "genius" you would drink. A big one this year has to do with "The Bus" Jerome Bettis' (as pictured) and his return to his childhood home for the Super Bowl, which could quite possibly be his last game. Every mention of Bettis being from Detroit warrants a drink. The whole Joey "The Ass" Porter and Jeremy Stevens exchange of words is another thing sure to be mentioned on several occassions throughout the game. You can pick the storylines you wish to use, these are just a couple of examples for ya.

3) PICK-A-TEAM
This is probably the simplest game to play as well as the hardest to keep up on. The best part is, anyone can play, without knowing a lick about the game of football or the teams involved. Whatcha do,is pick one of the SB XL combatants. Next you set up what you want to determine when you drink. Confused? Okay, well you have to decide what you want as criterion for drinking. Like touchdowns, interceptions, punts, safeties, etc. So say you were to pick the Seahawks and it's one drink for a turnover, you would drink for each Seahawk turnover. Now obvioulsy you would drink for things that hurt your selected team, like turnovers, punts, scores against. Stuff like safeties, clipping penalties would be worth more drinks, being rarer that say a first down. Now the number of drinks and stats yopu want to use are up to you. Of course one flaw in this one, is if the game is a blowout (which it won't be) only one side is really drinking. That's when you count kickoffs as turning the ball over to even up the score a bit.

4) FLASHBACKS
Actually, this is probably the easiest to play. Everytime there is a flashback or allusions to Super Bowls past, drink. You can make it real interesting by picking more specific flashbacks, like everytime they show stock footage of Terry Bradshaw or Neil O'Donnell, drink!

5) SHOCK-EEEEEEEEEEEEY
The Shockey drinking game should always be in effect, especially when he is not playing. With JS not even being in any way involved in this one, the ante is upped. This means you drink four, every time he is mentioned or shown. Watch out for the double "dang-it!" if you have Hungry-Man in the commercial game as well


Well these are just a few ideas to keep that Super Bowl Party lively and flowing along nicely. Feel free to use any variations you like, and if you have any other fun games, ideas, etc. for the Extra-Large Super Bowl, let me know, I'd love to hear 'em.

GO SEAHAWKS!!!