Tuesday, February 28, 2006

FACE-OFF!

As Black History Month draws to a close, "Bitterness" emerges with a new segment that will either be a raging success or go horribly awry. And on a quick sidenote, why does no one care that it's not "African-American History Month"? I mean any time someone calls a person "Black" they get all, "It's African American, you dumb crackah!" Anyways, the working title of the segment is "Face-Off", but this has a good chance of both entertaining and, more importantly, educating. You see each week I will pit two opposing parties (people, events, socio-political parties, etc.) against each other in a no holds barred battle to the death. Okay well that's a tad bit extreme, but you get the picture. Or maybe you don't. Well, why don't I just get the ball rolling with the innaugaral match-up, and you can just catch up as you follow along. In honor of the last day of Black History month, I have decided to put two great African-American entertainers up against each other to see which one really measures up in the tale of the tape. So here it is, history in the making, the first ever Bitterness is a Fish You Can Catch "Face-Off", 80s Black History edition:
_GARY COLEMAN VS. EMMANUEL LEWIS_______________


ARNOLD JACKSON AGAINST WEBSTER LONG






Let me start by saying this is GC vs. Manny in the 80s.
Well let's get right down to it. Will start with the biggie:
HEIGHT:
GC towers over 4'3 Webster at 4'8.
Point: Coleman

AGE:
Coleman is also three years older than the lovable Emmanuel. Point Emmanuel

ADOPTIVE TV FAMILY:
Well this is a tough one. Phillip Drummond or Maam and George Papadapolis. While Mr. Drummond was stinkin rich, George was a an ex-NFLer and could kick Mr. Drummond's old white hindquarters. This one is a toss-up!





NON SITCOM WORK:
Well GC had a few stellar movie roles in "The Kid from Left Field", "The Kid with the Broken Halo", "The Kid with a 200 I.Q.". In each of these movies he starred with the great Robert Guillaume, aka Benson, aka the head honcho on ABC's "Sports Night". While Emmanuel only really starred as himself after "Webster". Although the Surreal Life certainly sent Emmanuel's stock up, up, up! One point doesn't do this category justice. So it goes to Emmanuel 10-7

AWKWARD/SCARY TV MOMENT:
You may already know where this one is going. Arnold Jackson and his pal Dudley, narrowly avoiding being molested by Gordon Jump. This tops anything that has ever happened to EL, even having to live with Corey Feldman. Webster did have his moments as well. He was bed wetter and burned down the Papadapolis' aprtment, but this lead to big house, which he thought initially to be haunted. Dudley's shirt off gives this category to GC 10-4

THE CLINCHER!!!:

GAME..................SET....................MATCH TO MR. COLEMAN!

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