HAPPY BOXING DAY!

That's right it's that time of year again! when we honor something that we take for granted for 364 days a year or so. Well, here's to boxing up the many, many, many, many things that are boxed. You probably received some things in boxes, as recently as yesterday in fact. Just think of the many things that come in boxes every day: Mr. Pibb, Dr. K, Cuisinarts, fondue pots, cereal, wine, enimas, condoms, appliances, your favorite beer, severed heads like in the movie Seven, clocks, robot parts, books, Cheez-Itz, Ramen, couscous, just to name a few. So if you say a box today, just look at it and say, "Hey, thanks for containg many of the things we use every day." Boxes, we salute you!

Just so there is no confusion, Boxing day is on the 26th of December.

WEEK 16: THIS HOLIDAY DOESN'T BEGIN UNTIL SOMEONE PINS KITNA!

With Festivus practically upon us, "Bitterness" has decided to air some grievances with this weeks picks. I've got a lot of problems with you people! Someone get the pole from the crawl space and let's air some grievances!




CHIEFS @ RAIDERS: NFL Network and Time Warner why won't you get into bed with each other?! It's killing me knowing there are games on tv somewhere that I can't watch! c'mon T-Dub, I'll trade away some channels to get the NFL Network if I have to! I'm sure there are plenty of channels that I don't give a damn about! I know fitTv could probably go. Oh and Comcast don't think you're getting off that easy, why won't you come to town? We'd take ya in a heart beat! Chiefs 28-13

RAVENS @ STEELERS: This grievance goes out to everyone who is too busy annointing Brian Billick the offensive messiah! Yeah, when your defense is so tough, it sets up a short field for the offense, not to mention scores some points on it's own, via the turnover. But, hey, hey, hey! Where you going Jim Fassel?! Is it too complicated to hand off to Jamal Lewis more??? Ball control and clock management should be the name of the game in Baltimore. Ravens 24-0.

PANTHERS @ FALCONS: Panthers, what the fudge?!! You were a trendy Super Bowl pick and you aren't even gonna make the playoffs?!! Steve Smith can't do it all folks!! Panthers 24-23

BEARS @ LIONS: I take issue with anyone thinking about the possibility of the Lions drafting a QB with next spring's high draft pick. Not necessary folks! Do I have to spell it out for ya?! K-I-T-N-A. Bears 17-10.

COLTS @ TEXANS: Ya screwed me Tony Dungy! If Bob Sanders wasn't gonna play two weeks ago, just tell us that! I could have picked up any number of DBs to advance me to my fantasy football semifinals, but nooooooooo! You have to be all sneaky, sneaky. As far as I'm concerned you owe me $20! I will take a post-dated, out of state, third party check. And yes Bill I know that Belichik is the one responsible for all this. Colts 45-14

PATRIOTS @ JAGUARS: Hey Bilichik, get over yourself and stop trying to be so fancy! Sometimes you have to pay people money! Yeah that's right, what happens if the mighty Reche Caldwell goes down, then what? Oh and would it kill ya to where some nice pants? I mean, do you even own a pair of khakis?? It's time to hang up the burlap sack, my friend! Patriots 17-14.

SAINTS @ GIANTS: Another must win for the Eli Manning. Boy he sure has come into his own this year, hasn't he? Giants 16-13

BUCCANEERS @ BROWNS: Hey Gruden, how you gonna bench B-Grad? Your season's already in the pooper, why not let him build momentum into next year. I mean let's face it B-Grad is the "Bitterness" QB of the future, who will ascend to Kitna's throne once he retires. Browns 6-3.

TITANS @ BILLS: This grievance is for both teams. How come you couldn't play like this all year long? As it stands you are still hanging onto playoff life by the smallest of threads. Bills 21-14.

REDSKINS @ RAMS: Redskins, you suck! Rams 28-24.

CARDINALS @ 49ERS: Don't know about you, but I would love to watch this one. Denny Green has gotta be on his way out, right? I mean he hasn't done anything well. And as for the front office, stop drafting offensive firepower and maybe trade down and bulk up the offensive line. It's an old story, but I gotta think that's what they should be looking into. Cardinals 49-45.

BENGALS @ BRONCOS: You can't expect to win after benching Jake the Snake! It's karma, Mike Shanahan, karma. Or maybe it's for all that crazy chop blocking, I dunno? As for the Bengals, they'll make the playoffs if they can stay out of prison! Bengals 20-10.

CHARGERS @ SEAHAWKS: Hey Seahawks, why does your team name have to be so hard to type? When I try and type it fast it turns into, seawhaks! Blah! And also what is the deal with everyone just seeming to be all about Shawne Merriman's return? All of sudden, it's like the steroid thing just didn't happen! That and what is the deal with the spelling of his first name?! Am I right, or am I right? Chargers 35-31.

EAGLES @ COWBOYS: Why am I the only one who realizes that Jeff Garcia is Boggs from Shawshank Redemption? C'mon media, get with the program, life is passing you by! I mean can you tell the difference? Check the picture to your right and see if you can guess which one it is. Cowboys 24-23.

JETS @ DOLPHINS: Seriously?! This is the Monday Nighter? Whoopity-do! Merry Christmas to us! This is how you celebrate the birth of our savior?! Blasphemy! You might as well have a manger scene with Joe Theismann smothering the baby Jesus! Am I right? Okay maybe that was a bit of a stretch, but I just don't like the game, which is actually, probably gonna be a decent game. J-E-T-S 21-14.

Happy Festivus to all, Bitterness is a Fish You Can Catch has made a rather sizable donation to the Human Fund in the name of it's loyal readers! Another Festivus miracle!

WEEK 16: A KITNA MIRACLE!

VIKINGS @ GREEN BAY: If you like a battle between two teams who won't make the playoffs, an aging gunslinger with a passion for the game, that you won't be able to watch at home if you don't get the NFL Network, than this is the game for you! Packers win it 23-20.



TO BE CONTINUED.....

WEEK 15: IT'S YOUR WORLD KITNA, REST OF US JUST PAYIN RENT!

Well, week fourteen saw me move further back in the pick standings. Maybe I should pay more attention, I dunno? Well here are the current standing highlighting my futility:

Sports Guy: 103-105
Peter King: 102-106
Bitterness: 93-115

Well as I looked into the old mailbag I noticed that, aside from the usual hate mail, there was quite a bit of mail on a new subject. That subject, to paraphrase, is diversity or really the lack there of. Now, I know what your are thinking, and no, it is not an old wooden ship. It seems that several readers think I need to, in their words, "Break up the honky convention!" You see all my guest bloggers have been caucasian, and it seems that this has offended several of my African-American readers. So I thought it would be great to let one of those mailers be this week's guest blogger. Sounds great, right! So the lucky guest blogger is none other than a man who not only is mad about the lack of diversity, but also about last week's guest blogger, Chet Harper. Now he has a pretty hectic schedule so, we're pleased that he could take the time to help us out. So here he is, this week's guest blogger, Stuart Scott (not pictured to your right).

49ERS @ SEAHAWKS: Yo, the Hawks be trippin, after last week's loss to the Cards, but Shaun Alexander shines in primetime, so look for him to be as cool as the other side of the pillow and get his mojo workin in a big game. Hawks representin' at Qwest Field on Thursday night 27-20

COWBOYS @ FALCONS: I like the way Mike Vick works it, no diggity, no doubt! But the Big Tuna gotsta be upset over being pimp slapped at home, on national tv, Sunday Night! DESPERADO! Can the 'Boys 'D' put the bippity-boppity-BOO-YAH on the dirty birds?! You better recognize, 'Boys win it 31-14.

BROWNS @ RAVENS: Ray Lewis is fat, with a "ph" yo! The kid's like buttah! Look for the Ravens 'D' to get their schwerve on in this one. Ray Lew's happy cuz the 'Vens be goin sizzlah, then right on into the playoffs! Quote the Raven, "BOO-YAH! Baltimore 21-10.

DOLPHINS @ BILLS: Jason Taylor's not a playa, he just tends to crush a lot. Both these squads looking to play spoiler down the stretch. But wait! the fat lady ain't singin just yet, as the winner in this one clings to playoff life by the tiniest of threads. You could call either of these teams butta, because they've been on a roll of late. Bills have one four of six with two "L's" coming in close ones to the Colts and SuperChargers, while the 'Phins have one five of six, including last week's shutdown of New England. Can I getsa witness from the congregation! Little old lady at the Wendy's drive-thru sayin, "I see the beef, where's the BOO-YAH!" It's right here granny, Bills win in arcaic conditions (that's right it's gonna be cold!) 14-13.

STEELERS @ PANTHERS: Yo, check it, the Panthers playoff life is on life support and the Steelers look to be servin Steve Smith and company another setback. Shut yo mouth! Just talkin' 'bout Smith. Steve Smith, can ya dig it? He's the king of BYAC y'all, BOO-YAHds after the catch! Panthers pull out a win 7-6.

BUCCANEERS @ BEARS: The Bucs offense is whack! And up against the Bears, it'll look even whack-ier. But don't hate the playa, hate the game y'all! Bears 'D' doin it and doin it and doin it well, homebodies! Looks like the Bucs are headed into the bears den with a picnic basket and they ain't gotst Yogi or Boo- BOO-YAH! Bears 31-10.

LIONS @ PACKERS: This game's full of sound and fury, signifying nothing! Or maybe it's Furrey, as in Mark Furrey of the Lions. Kid's got mad skillz, break him off sumpin propah! Can old man Favre still get jiggy with it? This one'll be a good old fashioned shootout, you bring the Kool-Aid, I'll bring the BOO-YAH! Packers 42-35.

JETS @ VIKINGS: Ain't no thang but chicken wing, just two teams trying to keep their playoff hopes alive. Like gravy on a biscuit, it's all good! The Jets got played last week and Vikes are lookin to playa hate this week! But C-Penn, well, homey don't play dat! Jets get a BOO-YAH-tiful win 21-20.

TEXANS @ PATRIOTS: Pats need to right the ship and get things in order. Enter the Texans, a perfect way for Tom Brady to get his groove back. Texans best watch those New England fans, cuz they bleed red, white and BLUE-YAH! Pats cinch up the AFC East 35-7.

REDSKINS @ SAINTS: Drew Brees ain't done nothin' but lead the Saints to 9-4 start while throwin for over 400o yards. Miami didn't want him? Things that make you go hmmmmmm? Saints can wrap up the NFC South with a win here as an early Kwanzaa treat. Raise the roof y'all! Saints headed to the playoffs, where Reggie Bush, best know that it's BYOB, bring your own BOO-YAH! Saints 37-24.

JAGUARS @ TITANS: Jags done ripped up on the Colts in Week 14, yup, yup! In Tennessee, it's bin all biscuits and gravy since VY took over, though. Kid's bin as smooth as silk. This could be as hardcore as the Wu-Tang Clan on steroids! Jags and Titans 'bout to get wicked, let me clear my throat! Titans take 17-14.

BRONCOS @ CARDINALS: Jay Cutler, Matt Leinart. The younguns ready to lock horns. Cutler ain't looked as comfy as Leinart, who has straight been gettin his freak on, as of late. But the Broncs about to properly welcome Matty to the NFL, and get some air time on Jacked UP! My prediction.....pain. Broncos straight-up bust the rookie from USC, whoomp there it is! Broncos do the BOO-YAHd work and take it 17-6.

EAGLES @ GIANTS: If the playoffs started right this second, homeboys be in, but the playoffs don't start in December! The Eagles tryin to ride Jeff Garcia to the promised land. I ain't sayin nothing, but that ain't right. I'm bustin open some white meat! Gonna move some furniture. Iggles makin their kinfolk proud 24-23

RAMS @ RAIDERS: Marc Bulger killin Oakland softly, with his arm. Say what, say what? Dynamite, dynamite, clef I got the cash! Rams rebound and win one in the black hole 38-21.

CHIEFS @ CHARGERS: I said a hip, hop, the hippie the hippie to the hip hip hop, a you don't stop the rock it to the bang bang boogie, say up jumped the boogie, to the rythym of the boogie, BOO-YAH! LT's straight up money in the bank! Bolts rock the party that rocks the body 21-17.

BENGALS @ COLTS: Welcome to the terror dome. Carson heads into Peyton's place looking to keep his cats on the up and up, but groove is in the heart and the kid's still got some things to learn. Marvin Harrison's livin la vida BOO-YAH as the Colts win this shootout 42-38.
That's all ize got, you ain't gotta go home, but ya can't stay here! PEACE!

WEEK 14: IF IT AIN'T KITNA, IT'S CRAP!

As the NFC Wild Card race gets harder to predict than the weather in New England, I am slowly slipping put of the picks race. Yes I lost yet another game to the Sports Guy and the Monday morning QB. So here are your standings:

MMQB: 93-99
Sports Guy: 91-101
Bitterness: 86-106

Yes it's looking pretty grim, but it ain't over until Roseanne sings! Well it's week fourteen and I've gotta a special treat for you, the reader. What with it being the holiday season, we here at "Bitterness" are all about giving, so we are taking an ESPN Sportscenter cast-off and giving him a second chance. You may have caught his brief stint on Sportscenter alongside Stuart Scott. But he was sent packing by the Boo-Ya-hoo! Well now he has a forum, so here he is, Mr. Chet Harper!

Thank you Will-da-beast! Week Fourteen in the NFL is quite the sticky wicket. Four and twenty blackbirds baked in a pie, shave your genitals and enjoy the show!

BROWNS @ STEELERS: Mickey-D's may be open 24-7, but no McMuffins before 5am, so if you ain't here for a quarter pounder, pack it up hobos! Steeler's look to put the bippity-bopitty BOOM on Charlie Frye and the Brownies. So step away from the monkey and put your pants back on! Browns 21-20

PATRIOTS @ DOLPHINS: Sweet sassy, molassey! This'll be a dog fight in the AFC East and lookout because Jason Taylor's got something stuck in his craw and no one's got a toothpick! Tom Brady's poised to defend Air Supply's greatest hits. Praise Jesus and pass the pancakes! Patriots 14-10.

RAIDERS @ BENGALS: You can lead the Raiders to Cincy, but you can't make an award-winning meatloaf! But in Cincy all your base are belong to Ocho Cinco. Rub- a-dub-dub! Bengals 31-17.

EAGLES @ REDSKINS: Banana nut muffins are good, but Great Aunt Ethel makes it tight in the pants! Ledell Betts is all, "come and knock on my door", but Jeremiah Trotter can go from zero to cuckoo for cocoa puffs in 4.2 seconds flat! Eagles 24-17.

SAINTS @ COWBOYS: Tony Romo has looked good so far, but Joe Horn says, " Hotel, motel, Holiday Inn!" What can I say, sometimes you miss the sneeze guard? But this ain't a oriental massage parlor and Terrell Owens'll spike it in your pooper if you aren't careful! Cowboys 27-21

GIANTS @ PANTHERS: A lot of people think the G-Men are done, but I always say, "You gotta get to Whitecastle before the weirdos show up!" Look for Steve Smith to go Happy-go-Jackie on the Giants secondary like a donkey eating a waffle. Get out the checkbook and pay grandma for the rubdown! Panthers 34-28.

VIKINGS @ LIONS: The rythym is gonna getcha, but Brad Johnson knows you can't check more than two items of luggage! The Lions are slightly better than their record indicates, so don't ask Jon Kitna how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop! Lions 9-7.

TITANS @ TEXANS: David Carr says, "Sorry your mom blew up!" Pacman Jones retorts with, "Pork Chop sandwiches?!" But Vince Young sees Drew Bennett and knows he's a dooby! When grampa's whittlin', you better put down the cornbread! Titans 38-34.

COLTS @ JAGUARS: Big game for the Jaguars, as David Garrard says, " Hey I ain't gonna turn and cough for you, you ain't got no PHD!" But Dwight Freeney ain't about to give that silly rabbit any Trix! It's a sick game of double dutch and Reggie Wayne's without his golashes! Colts 17-14.

RAVENS @ CHIEFS: Trent Green says, "I'm not gonna pay alot for this muffler." But Ray Lewis says, "Oh yes you will and the costs will be prooooooo-hibitive!" Both these teams could very well end up in the playoffs and Herm Edwards has permission to sleep over! Chiefs 17-10.

FALCONS @ BUCCANEERS: Warrick Dunn won't do Cat Fancy, and Bruce Gradkowski ain't got a money back guarantee! Mike Vick needs to cage his dirty birds this week in a purdy dawg-gone big match-up for the Falcons. Yep folks the kitchen's closin' and Shelton Quarles is lookin' to do the no pants dance! But Bea Arthur ain't the answer, so fasten your seatbelts! Falcons 25-13.

SEAHAWKS @ CARDINALS: The Cards can only play the spoiler, so expect the mashed potatoes to have lumps! It's full contact pick-up sticks, and fish don't fry in the kitchen! But Shaun Alexander's ain't here for tuttti-fruitti, so protect your testicles! This penis party has got to go! Seahawks 24-16.

PACKERS @ 49ERS: The proof is in the pistachio pudding made with curdled milk and grandma can't resew those buttons, amigo! Brett Favre'll one potato, two potato, three potato- SCORE on the Niners all afternoon, but Mike Nolan don't write post-dated checks! Packers 28-27.

BILLS @ JETS: Eli Whitney! It's another AFC East scrum-diddily-umptious slap fest! But you can't knock over a convenience store without a ski mask. Lee Evans' is bringin three bean casserole to this pot luck, a-coodily-coodily coo! Bills got some fight in em, so look for a close game. Jerricho Cothcery's bringin the Parcheesi, so mother's protect your daughter's berry patch! Jets 23-17.

BRONCOS @ CHARGERS: You gotta contain LT, baby! Lord Sweet pappy johnson with an erection, you have GOTTA contain LT! Broncos will look to avenge their week 11 loss and Jay Cutler's waitin' in line for the crapper and Al Wilson knows the five second rule is in affect! Nobody let's a good Spamburger, hamburger go to waste! Chargers 28-20.

BEARS @ RAMS: Don't go changin' your long-distance provider just yet, as the Rams playoff chance are slip-sliding away and a win here would be helpful. But Brian Urlacher shuts the door and says, "What were you raised on a barn?! Of course you can't make eggs benedict without a good hollandiase!" Rex Grossman's pitchin a tent, so don't look up his skirt! Rams 14-13.


That's it for my look at week 14! This has been Chet Parker, reminding you that tuxedo t-shirts are always a good idea and make sure you're the banker when you play Monopoly.

Thanks Chet, always a delight. For all my loyal readers, this may not be the last you hear from Chet Parker. Let's just say he could be a big part of new happenings here at "Bitterness" in '07. So be on the lookout, cause the big surpise is a mere 25 days away! Let the countdown and the great experiment, begin! Happy cornballing, everyone!