WEEK 14: IF IT AIN'T KITNA, IT'S CRAP!

As the NFC Wild Card race gets harder to predict than the weather in New England, I am slowly slipping put of the picks race. Yes I lost yet another game to the Sports Guy and the Monday morning QB. So here are your standings:

MMQB: 93-99
Sports Guy: 91-101
Bitterness: 86-106

Yes it's looking pretty grim, but it ain't over until Roseanne sings! Well it's week fourteen and I've gotta a special treat for you, the reader. What with it being the holiday season, we here at "Bitterness" are all about giving, so we are taking an ESPN Sportscenter cast-off and giving him a second chance. You may have caught his brief stint on Sportscenter alongside Stuart Scott. But he was sent packing by the Boo-Ya-hoo! Well now he has a forum, so here he is, Mr. Chet Harper!

Thank you Will-da-beast! Week Fourteen in the NFL is quite the sticky wicket. Four and twenty blackbirds baked in a pie, shave your genitals and enjoy the show!

BROWNS @ STEELERS: Mickey-D's may be open 24-7, but no McMuffins before 5am, so if you ain't here for a quarter pounder, pack it up hobos! Steeler's look to put the bippity-bopitty BOOM on Charlie Frye and the Brownies. So step away from the monkey and put your pants back on! Browns 21-20

PATRIOTS @ DOLPHINS: Sweet sassy, molassey! This'll be a dog fight in the AFC East and lookout because Jason Taylor's got something stuck in his craw and no one's got a toothpick! Tom Brady's poised to defend Air Supply's greatest hits. Praise Jesus and pass the pancakes! Patriots 14-10.

RAIDERS @ BENGALS: You can lead the Raiders to Cincy, but you can't make an award-winning meatloaf! But in Cincy all your base are belong to Ocho Cinco. Rub- a-dub-dub! Bengals 31-17.

EAGLES @ REDSKINS: Banana nut muffins are good, but Great Aunt Ethel makes it tight in the pants! Ledell Betts is all, "come and knock on my door", but Jeremiah Trotter can go from zero to cuckoo for cocoa puffs in 4.2 seconds flat! Eagles 24-17.

SAINTS @ COWBOYS: Tony Romo has looked good so far, but Joe Horn says, " Hotel, motel, Holiday Inn!" What can I say, sometimes you miss the sneeze guard? But this ain't a oriental massage parlor and Terrell Owens'll spike it in your pooper if you aren't careful! Cowboys 27-21

GIANTS @ PANTHERS: A lot of people think the G-Men are done, but I always say, "You gotta get to Whitecastle before the weirdos show up!" Look for Steve Smith to go Happy-go-Jackie on the Giants secondary like a donkey eating a waffle. Get out the checkbook and pay grandma for the rubdown! Panthers 34-28.

VIKINGS @ LIONS: The rythym is gonna getcha, but Brad Johnson knows you can't check more than two items of luggage! The Lions are slightly better than their record indicates, so don't ask Jon Kitna how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop! Lions 9-7.

TITANS @ TEXANS: David Carr says, "Sorry your mom blew up!" Pacman Jones retorts with, "Pork Chop sandwiches?!" But Vince Young sees Drew Bennett and knows he's a dooby! When grampa's whittlin', you better put down the cornbread! Titans 38-34.

COLTS @ JAGUARS: Big game for the Jaguars, as David Garrard says, " Hey I ain't gonna turn and cough for you, you ain't got no PHD!" But Dwight Freeney ain't about to give that silly rabbit any Trix! It's a sick game of double dutch and Reggie Wayne's without his golashes! Colts 17-14.

RAVENS @ CHIEFS: Trent Green says, "I'm not gonna pay alot for this muffler." But Ray Lewis says, "Oh yes you will and the costs will be prooooooo-hibitive!" Both these teams could very well end up in the playoffs and Herm Edwards has permission to sleep over! Chiefs 17-10.

FALCONS @ BUCCANEERS: Warrick Dunn won't do Cat Fancy, and Bruce Gradkowski ain't got a money back guarantee! Mike Vick needs to cage his dirty birds this week in a purdy dawg-gone big match-up for the Falcons. Yep folks the kitchen's closin' and Shelton Quarles is lookin' to do the no pants dance! But Bea Arthur ain't the answer, so fasten your seatbelts! Falcons 25-13.

SEAHAWKS @ CARDINALS: The Cards can only play the spoiler, so expect the mashed potatoes to have lumps! It's full contact pick-up sticks, and fish don't fry in the kitchen! But Shaun Alexander's ain't here for tuttti-fruitti, so protect your testicles! This penis party has got to go! Seahawks 24-16.

PACKERS @ 49ERS: The proof is in the pistachio pudding made with curdled milk and grandma can't resew those buttons, amigo! Brett Favre'll one potato, two potato, three potato- SCORE on the Niners all afternoon, but Mike Nolan don't write post-dated checks! Packers 28-27.

BILLS @ JETS: Eli Whitney! It's another AFC East scrum-diddily-umptious slap fest! But you can't knock over a convenience store without a ski mask. Lee Evans' is bringin three bean casserole to this pot luck, a-coodily-coodily coo! Bills got some fight in em, so look for a close game. Jerricho Cothcery's bringin the Parcheesi, so mother's protect your daughter's berry patch! Jets 23-17.

BRONCOS @ CHARGERS: You gotta contain LT, baby! Lord Sweet pappy johnson with an erection, you have GOTTA contain LT! Broncos will look to avenge their week 11 loss and Jay Cutler's waitin' in line for the crapper and Al Wilson knows the five second rule is in affect! Nobody let's a good Spamburger, hamburger go to waste! Chargers 28-20.

BEARS @ RAMS: Don't go changin' your long-distance provider just yet, as the Rams playoff chance are slip-sliding away and a win here would be helpful. But Brian Urlacher shuts the door and says, "What were you raised on a barn?! Of course you can't make eggs benedict without a good hollandiase!" Rex Grossman's pitchin a tent, so don't look up his skirt! Rams 14-13.


That's it for my look at week 14! This has been Chet Parker, reminding you that tuxedo t-shirts are always a good idea and make sure you're the banker when you play Monopoly.

Thanks Chet, always a delight. For all my loyal readers, this may not be the last you hear from Chet Parker. Let's just say he could be a big part of new happenings here at "Bitterness" in '07. So be on the lookout, cause the big surpise is a mere 25 days away! Let the countdown and the great experiment, begin! Happy cornballing, everyone!