Wednesday, November 29, 2006


Well an 8-8 week 12 has me mired in third place. Yes both the Sports Guy and Mr. Monday Morning Quarterback, Peter King managed to go 12-4, making me look like a horse's patoot! Anyways here are the current standings:

MMQB: 86-90
Sports Guy: 84-92
Bitterness: 80-96

Well here's thoughts before I introduce this week's guest blogger:

--Remember a short time ago, let's call it last season, when everyone was so impressed that Mike Vanderjagt-ass was the most efficient placekicker of all time, even though he was not nearly as awesome as Al Del Greco"-Roman wrestling"? In ESPN the magazine they had some stats saying how he was just as clutch as Adam Viniatieri. Well now Mike Vanderjagt-ass is out of a job. Yes the Cowboys released him folks! Apparently they want to be more Grammatica-ly correct. Now I'm sure this won't be the last we'll see of Vanderjagt-ass, but it is still so pleasing.

-- Recently Time Warner has had commercials adverstising thta you can watch the NFL on it's cables. When I saw the beginning of this advertisement I thought, perhaps, they were offering the NFL Network. Much to my chagrin, it was mostly highlighting that you get them in HD. Okay Time Warner, I hate to break it to you, but all I need to get the NFL is an antennae. So unless you are offering me either the NFL Network or an HDTV to go with my cable, shut up-a your face!

-- Is there parity in the NFC or do all the teams just suck? I vote for the latter. Must feel good in Green Bay, Washington and Tampa Bay that despite the season long ineptitude that they are still in the playoff hunt. I mean, odds are none of these teams will make the playoffs, but the 'Skins and Pack are just two games out and if the Giants lose against the 'Boys next week, they could conceivably be a game out.

-- College Hoops are under way and I couldn't be happier! Despite some sloppy play, Syracuse is undefeated and Paul Harris has looked awesome! I can't wait until they play the Shockers. It'll be a good early season test. I also like Marquette's chances, watch out for them! and of course there's the rest of the MVC and this could be the final stages of rebuilding for the UMASS Minutemen. It's all wondrous. Drink it in!

Alright so, now, here is a look at Week 13 with a special guest blogger, of course with my picks inserted in. He's an SNL Alum, has had his own show on HBO and was also an announcer for MNF. That's right this week's guest blogger is none other than Dennis Miller! Take it away Dennis:

Thanks Will! The playoffs are closing in like Boris Yeltsin on a bottle of Smirnoff. And the NFC plyoff picture is more open than a 7-11. So here's a look at week 13:

RAVENS @ BENGALS: Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered weak and weary...the Ravens shut down the Bengals offense, despite Chad Johnson rapping, rapping at the end zone door. Quoth the Ravens defense....Nevermore! The Ravens never flitting, still a sitting atop the AFC North. Birds take it 17-7

LIONS @ PATRIOTS: In New England, yes New England, the Lions sleep this week! Unfortunately these Lions won't fare as the lions who would severely maul thieves and peasants at the colosseum. And I can't wait to see Bill Belichik in his burlap sack with a Patriot logo on it. I've seen better clothes on the orphans in Oliver Twist! Pats take it 24-10.

FALCONS @ REDSKINS: The Falcons run more than Pheidippedes. While the Redskins are hoping Mike Vick will feel more like Custer at Little Big Horn, with Jason Campbell leading the charge, as 'Skins fans hope they aren't sitting on a bunch of bull. Meanwhile Campbell's approval rating is already higher than President Bush's in the nation's capital. Skins in the upset win it 17-16.

JAGUARS @ DOLPHINS: With two solid defenses going at, you could see sacking of Visigothic proprtions. Nick Saban's defense so many underlying schemes and patterns it's like a Salvador Dhali work. WhileThe Jags are as up and down as Kirstie Alley's weight. Dolphins win it 17-16.

A colossal battle in the NFC East matches to coaches who rule with an iron fist. Giants are coming off a collapse of epic proportions last week at the hands of the Titans. A loss that has Giants fans as troubled as a character in a Tennessee Williams play. But the Cowboys have Terrell Owens who's about as balanced as the federal budget, c'mon. Boys take it 24-23.

Ladanian Tomlinson's as dangerous as Rosie O'Donnell at an all you can eat Chinese Buffet. Yet the Bills are a feisty bunch. When their defense is on, they are tougher to get through than Gigli. While the tandem of Takeo Spikes and London Fletcher at linebacker is as fierce as a Jewish guy trying to send soup back at a delicatessen. Chargers win 17-13.

VIKINGS @ BEARS: The valkyries are waiting in the wings to drag the Vikings season off to Valhalla, where Odin is lying in wait with roasted boar for everyone. Not a bad consolation prize for these slain warriors, as the Bears do the pillaging and plundering in this one 17-9.

Wherefore art thou Romeo Crennel? Or the Browns offense for that matter. It's been as anemic as paris Hilton. While Herm Edwards is looking to lead his team through the rest of the schedule like General Sherman through the Confederate south. But will it end up more like Pickett's charge for Herm? Chiefs take it 27-17.

JETS @ PACKERS: The Packers defense has as many holes in it as an aged Swiss, but plays a little softer than that. Like a fine Brie perhaps. Well rest assured Chad Pennington will bring the Merlot or maybe an elegant Cabernet Sauvignon, for this gathering. Jets win it 35-27.

CARDINALS @ RAMS: The Cardinals have about as much a chance of wnning this matchup as President Bush has of winning on Jeopardy. Meanwhile the Rams offense can be as deadly as a hemlock Fribble, if ya know what I mean. The Rams should drop more big bombs than Truman, come Sunday. Rams win it 31-21.

Everyone has eagerly awaiting this matchup. Bush versus Gore. Although I think most will be less disappointed when Bush wins this battle,as Reggie Bush is unlikely to raise gas prices and enter the country into war. And this Bush actually came to the aid of New Orleans, so? Luckily we won't have to wait for weeks for the actual outcome. You will be able to know that the Saints came marching away with a victory 34-21 right after it happens.

If the Raiders lose this one they'll go on to star in the San Bernardino production of Les Mis, starring Warren Sapp as Jean Valjean. Art Shell looks flummoxed, like someone asked him to write a dissertation on the Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test. On the otherside, you have the Texans who get lucky about as much as Karl Rove at a Blink 182 show. Raiders win it 31-30.

In Greek mythology the Titans were greater than even the Gods, but Tennessee is about as powerful as Titan AE's Oscar campaign. A classic David versus Goliath matchup, but Vince Young's slingshot breaks and Goliath prevails this time around. Colts take it 21-14.

The Tampa Bay offense has been about as effective as the Bay of Pigs invasion. While Cadillac Williams is more like the Delorean of the NFL. Looked good for awhile than just kinda faded away. The Steelers title defense has been about as strong as Reagan's economic policy. Steelers win it 21-17.

The Broncos defense is quicker than a Kenyan running from the bulls in Pamplona. While the Seahawks are hoping their offense can click, faster than a gaggle of giggling, boy-crazy, high school cheerleaders. This game could be as epic as the Odyssey, my friends. Broncs buck the 'Hawks in a retro NFC West rivalry 23-17.

Steve Smith is like Mikhail Baryshnikov, dancing around defenders after the catch. Not to mention he has the hands of Fred Biletnikoff. Across the way Andy Reid will be looking to devise a defensive scheme so complex, not even Stephen Hawking could grasp it. Panthers win it 27-23.

Thanks, you've been a wonderful audience, don't forget to get that special someone Murder at 1600 on DVD for Christmas!

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