ROUNDOFFS-THE OTHER, OTHER, WHITE MEAT

Whoooo! It's good to be back, baby! Where to begin, where to begin? So much time and so little to do. Wait a minute. Strike that. Reverse it. Must move forward. Must move forward. On with the show:

BASEBALL:
Ozzie Guillen came out and said that Major League Baseball is unfairly targeting Latinos in their steroids investigation. Well sure, the Latinos have been in the forefront of the investigation. You know Latinos like:

Mark McGwire




Jason Giambi




Barry Bonds




and Gary Sheffield




Was he on Miami Vice?

Sheffield, by the way, was quoted in GQ as saying there were more Latinos in baseball, because they are easier to control than blacks. Pfft! Clearly Gary has never met my houseboy Miguel. Although, since there are more Latinos in baseball, wouldn't it stand to reason that more Latinos would be targeted? And in any event it'snot like MLB can reallyfind anything anyways? The way this investigation is going there's a better chance of the U.S. government finding Osama and or WMDs....One Latino who is not being targeted is Tony Bautista, who is currently on the Nationals roster. Many thought Bautista was dead, but he has proven those skeptics wrong, by not only being alive, but also still playing baseball! Way to go Tony.....Another Latino still playing is none other than El Guapo himself, Rich Garces. Garces is pitching relief for the Nashua Pride, and he's as jolly as ever. In fact, July 26th is El Guapo Bobble Belly Day at Holman Stadium, so mark your calendars! Speaking of bobbleheads.....How 'bout that Shane Victorino bobblehead:




Meanwhile in the Bronx....the Yankees thought they'd found a southpaw for the bullpen.



But it fell through when he wouldn't shave his sideburns.
...or anything else.

And in the WTF category:


What kind of jersey is that?!


REALITY TV
This crap is getting just plain out of hand. So out of hand it's taken over baseball! Yes baseball! Just look at Mississippi Braves skipper Phil Wellman practicing some moves for So You Think You Can Dance:



I even think I know who Phil's choreograhper is:






I am however, ecstatic that they've finally found a format for Christian Okoye. Of course, for Pirate Master, I think I would tried to get a true Buccaneer, like Eric Rhett.....A reality show I have been watching is The Next Best Thing, which is a competition for celebrity impersonators. The best ones so far have been the Bush impersonators. But the big news is, by watching this show, I also found out Jeffrey Ross is a "Bitterness" reader. You see when they dismiss them, they use some punny little comment like a bad impersonation of Mary Tyler Moore, garnered a, "That was Mary Tyler Less." Anyways, a bad impersonation had Jeffrey Ross saying, "That was worthy of an Academy Award....a Police Academy Award." A Police Academy Award? Where could he have gotten that from? Perhaps here? Hmmm?

ENTERTAINMENT?
Apparently Rosie O'Donnell is being considered to replace Bob Barker as the host of The Price is Right. What the "F"! This is down right blasphemy! I don't even know if they should keep the show going without Bobby. I think we know my thoughts on Rosie, c'mon! I think we all know that if they are going to keep the show going it could only be with one person. Am I right? That's right folks,I'm speaking of the one and only......Alan Thicke.


Although that suit may clash with the Price is Right set, I dunno. If Thicke doesn't get that, I'm still avidly writing to VH1 to have an Alan Thicke reality show, possibly called "In the Thicke of Things" or "The Thicke of it All". I'd watch, that's all I'm saying.


OTHER NEWS:
Paris Hilton went to jail, while Rosie O'Donnell still walks the streets. Spurs win another championship (yawn.). The Mighty Ducks win the Stanley Cup, but still no retro jerseys from the original Mighty Ducks movie. The best network you're not watching...Lifetime! Bill Bellamy may have one of the best managers around. The guy's everywhere and still without any discernible talent! Alright that's it I'm Audi 5000, y'all!