ALUM-INATING VI

Okay, so by the time you read this, half these teams will no longer be dancing, but alas, they are still apart of the Sweet 16, and we must press on.

MIDWEST
DAVIDSON
Woodrow Wilson is one notable DU alum, as is Burger King CEO John Chidsey. Now I guess Chidsey could be a "whopper"of an alum, but we found one we liked more. The one and only Mary Verner. We know, not exactly a household name, but she is the mayor of Spokane, Washington, which is home to Gonzaga University, which Davidson beat in their first round game. Weird, right? No? Well that's about as interesting as the famous Wildcats get for now, deal with it!

WISCONSIN
There are certainly plenty of famous Badgers out there, to catch the eye, Like Charles Lindbergh and Apollo 13 astronaut Jim Lovell. The late Chris Farley is also Wisconsin alum, but they are not the best one available. You see the Madison campus was also home to one of the greatest double (triple if you count killer looks) threats of all-time. Yes, we are talking about singer/actor, Mr. Tom Wopat. Now for those unaware of Mr. Wopat's credentials, you may know him better as Luke Duke of the Dukes of Hazzard. Yeah, doesn't get much better than that folks! Yeeeeeeeee-haaaaaawwww!

VILLANOVA
Nova is another squad that has already been in our "Alum-inating" segment, causing us to dig for some fresh faces. Sure there is Stanford President, John L. Hennessy, and astronomer Edward Guinn, who discovered Neptune's ring system (who discovered the moons around Uranus, is not mentioned), thank god, are both smart 'Nova people, but we thought we could do better. And having already used Jim Croce in a previous year, we had to really look. And all we could find was 1994 Playboy Playmate and 2004 Penthouse Pet of the Year, Victoria Zdrok. Oh well.

KANSAS
Kansas has made somethings hard on us, being a constant Sweet 16 fixture, but luckily there are famous Jayhawks abound. Now last year Paul Rudd was our go to Jayhawk alum, but we couldn't use him two years in a row, now can we? That was a rhetorical question, people. So this year we are gonna let the public know that Don Johnson was also a Jayhawk. I'm sure the co-star of Miami Vice, is having Philip Michael Thomas over to watch the games this weekend, and perhaps get a little crazy and don some neon tees, and fine cut white sport coats. PMT's Oakwood College did not make the tourney.

STANFORD
Ah, Stanford the Harvard of the west. This was not an easy one, by any means. Especially when you consider that it was home to Vint Cerf, aka "The Father of the Internet". While that is impressive,considering you would not be reading this, if not for his innovative mind, unfortunately Vinty, was a professor and not an alum. But have no fear, thanks in part to VC's help,we used this "internet" to find out that both Fred and Ben Savage (Ben's TV mom on Boy Meets World attended Kansas) attended Stanford, and that's none to shabby for the Cardinal. But wait! That's right we have one that tops even a pair of Savages. Don't believe me? Um, hows about a little someone I like to call Danny Pintauro? That's right, John-a-tin Bower from Who's the Boss! That's a bullseye right there.

TEXAS
There are more than a few notable Horns out in the world, including Matthew McConaughey and Janis Joplin. But it also taught William R. Johnson the president, CEO and chairman of HJ Heinz. You can thank him for delivering us 57 varieties of awesome to the world each and every darn day! I'm sure he is relishing the 'Horns current run, and hopes they can cut the mustard and won't be playing too much "ketch-up".

MEMPHIS
Our loyal readers already know that designing woman, Dixie Carter is a Memphis alum. Of course she was also the wife of Mr. Drummond on Diff'rent Strokes. But, like I said, we've been there, done that. So this time around, we're gonna look at actor and former Senator Fred Thompson. You could know Fred from such cinematic classics as Die Hard 2, Days of Thunder, or Baby's Day Out. Yes Fred is a true acting genius and is probably ecstatic as hell that the Tigers are closing in on the FinalFour.

MICHIGAN STATE
And finally, the Spartans. Yes they have given us some good people like, Sam Raimi and Tom Sizemore, but we found someone even better! You guessed it, James Caan. I don't think we all know the resume here folks. He's no Robert Loggia, that's for damn sure, but he'll due. I'm sure James is hoping the Spartans "caan" win it all.

And that wraps up yet another year of "Alum-ination", hope you've enjoyed, and here's to a bunch of different teams next year! And for those who missed 'em,or just wanna read 'em again, here are your "Alum-inating" archives:

Alum-inating
Alum-inating II
Alum-nating III
Alum-inating IV

ALUM-INATING V

As has become a tradition here at "Bitterness", we will now look at some of the famous alums who may be celebrating their alma mater's run to the Sweet Sixteen. Let's kick it off with the West Region:

XAVIER:
There have been several Musketeers who have run for office, and some, like House of Representatives minority leader John Boehner, have even won those offices. But we here at "Bitterness" have never been big politicos and so of course our favorite former Musketeer would have to be Robert Romanus. Now for those of you who are not super cinema geeks, we will clarify. Robert is none other than the sleazy Mike Damone, from Fast Times at Ridgemont High. He also parlayed that role into a sweet part in Styx's rock opera music video for Kilroy was Here. Now while Romanus may be our top alum, we would be remiss to mention the next man on our list, Vice Chairman of Hershey Foods, Joseph Viviano. Oddly enough it's Mars, not Hershey, that produces the Three Musketeers bar. We're sure, however, that Viviano will be hoping that Xavier will "Rolo" over their opponents, perhaps putting up a "Whopper"of a "Skor".

WEST VIRGINIA
Now it's not the first time the Mountaineers have made the Sweet 16 since we began "Alum-inating", so our loyal readers already know that Mr. Furley, aka Don Knotts, is an alum, but let's dig even deeper. More than MIT President Charles M. "Sweater" Vest, The Assassin, Darryl Talley, or former National Champion Syracuse University football coach Floyd B."Ben" Schwartzwelder. No, no, we went even deeper, and came up with Michael James Zinn of Hallmark greetings cards. Yes,"MJ", as he's rarely called, helps people all over the world find cards for all occasions, whether for Grief, Sympathy, or Pet's Birthday, they have it all. And those Shoebox Greetings? Forget about it! The ultimate in humorous cards.

WESTERN KENTUCKY
Well there are a few notable Hilltoppers that caught our eyes, including Duncan Hines. Yes, THE, Duncan Hines. Notable writer and namesake for the Betty Crocker's arch nemesis bakery company, Duncan Hines. While WKU was also home to the Nappy Roots, that is not our top alum. Oh no, we have something much, much better. You see, the most celebrated alum would have to be the incomparable, David Schramm. You may know Mr. Schramm better, as Roy Biggins, owner and operator of Aeromass Airlines on the wildly popular NBC sitcom, Wings. There are not a lot of shows that we would even put in the same class as Wings, and naturally that makes Schramm our top Hilltopper alumnist.

UCLA
The Bruins are in the Sweet 16 for the third straight season, but luckily UCLA has produced many a famous alum, including Freaks and Geeks alum, James Franco and O.J. Simpson prosecutor Marcia Clark and defender Johnnie Cochran. O.J. of course attended rival USC. Interesting, no? But this year's most notable alum, is none other than the late Peter Tomarken, the host of the game show, Press Your Luck. Yes, Peter will be looking down upon his Bruins, hoping that they will see no whammies en route to a National Championship.

EAST REGION
WASHINGTON STATE
While the list of notable Cougars (nope, no attractive middle aged women on this list, sorry) does include Paul Allen, co-founder of Microsoft and owner of the Seattle Seahawks and Portland Trailblazers, he is not our go to alum here. You see, Washington State was also, at one time, home to one of the most brilliant minds of all time. That's right, Far Side cartoonist Gary Larson. Larson has been keeping us tickled with his delightful cartoons for over two decade, and for that we say thank you.

NORTH CAROLINA
The tar heels are another squad that is a frequenter of the "Alum-inating" series, so we need to keep delving deeper and deeper into the notable alumni. So this year we are gonna focus on some political alumni. Chapel Hill after all was was once home to former U.S. President James K. Polk, who of course was the namesake for Al Bundy's alma mater, Polk High on the television show, Married with Children. But that's not all! It also housed former Democratic Presidential candidate and Senator, John Edwards.

LOUISVILLE
Some famous Cardinals include Donald Elbert, who led the team of engineers that gave us AstroTurf. So for all those sufferers of Turf toe, here's who to blame. U of L also produced the co-founder of Long John Silvers, James Patterson. Yes, Patterson has helped folks nationwide satisfy their cravings for fast food fish and seafood, and that's a gift that keeps on giving all year round.

TENNESSEE
We'll get right to the "roots" of UT alumni, by letting you know that Alex Haley was a Volunteer. But Haley's not the only notable Volunteer author, oh no. Kurt Vonnegut also spent some time attending school in Knoxville. As did Desperate Housewives' James Denton. But, another interesting alum is Jeff Baxter. Who? Jeff Baxter. He is a Nike designer. One of the men responsible for some of the most ridiculous looking, overpriced "kicks" around. But hey, he is doing more for children than you. In our country we still don't give children the right to work at all, so there.

CHALLENGE EXTENDED

Welcome, welcome, welcome! It's that time folks! "The Bitterness is a Fish You Can Catch NCAA Mens Division I-A Basketball Tournament Challenge, sponsored by Diet Mr. Pibb (unofficially)" is back for the second year in a row! Do you think you have what it takes to out pick me?! Well now's the time to prove it! We welcome any and all comers! It's absolutely free! But what do I win, you may be asking yourself? Besides the pride that goes with having beaten the mastermind behind the wonder that is "Bitterness" you could also win a no expense paid trip to Newark, the murder capital of the northeast, a lifetime supply of several products no longer produced, such as OK Soda, some expired coupons, a mention here in "Bitterness", which is read regularly by almost ten people and the coop-do-grass a personally signed photo of me! A total prize package worth negative $18,379.81! So, in the words of Public Enemy, "bring the noise!"

Here's how you sign up:
Step 1) Go to yahoo.com
Step 2) Sign up or sign in for your free yahoo account
Step 3) Go to Tournament Pick 'em
Step 4) Go to"Join Private Group"
Step 5) Watch Carl Weathers in "Action Jackson"
Step 6) Make a sandwich, preferably pastrami
Step 6) Enter the number, 130792 in the space for the Group ID#
Step 7) Enter arcineaux as the password
Step 8) Name your brackets
Step 9) Make your picks
Step 10) Sit back and enjoy!

Steps 5 and 6 optional.

MAIL CALL

That's right folks, it's been almost a fortnight since our last post, and the mailbag overfloweth! We've got hookers, hook shots, fantasy baseball draft tips, movies and more! There's lots to get to, so enough of this rambling let's get right to it.

Michael B of New York, NY has politics on the mind, "Looks like you got outta the Empire State just in time. What are your thoughts on the whole Spitzer scandal?"

Well, let me first dissuade any rumors that Eliot was looking for a way out ever since "Bitterness" moved out of his fair state. Now sure it was a blow to the state when we packed up and headed eastish, but I'm sure the former "Gov" could've come up with a simpler exit strategy. My favorite part was the clever, and classy, headlines that ensued. "Ho No", "The Love-enor" and "Spitzer Hooked" were some of our favorites. Personally we were very shocked and disappointed in "Spitz", I mean seriously you're governor of one of the biggest states in the union, you can't get sex for free? Or at least cheaper? The only hooker you'll ever find us with is possibly TJ Hooker.

Gerry M. of parts unknown writes, "the college hoops posts have been a bit lacking. In fact they've been nonexistent. What gives? And what are your thoughts on the upcoming tourney?"

Okay sure, last year we became the first blog in history to breakdown every single D-I conference tourney, and that is impressive. But it was also very time consuming, and time is something we seem to have a lot less of this year, so ergo, less posts. Not only that but we have watched a lot fewer college hoops games this year, than, well, ever, so we are not as on point as usual. But don't you fret there will be previews of the brackets once they are released. For now I will tell you that the National Champion will either be North Carolina, or Duke, or Kansas, or UCLA, or Memphis, or Texas, or Georgetown, or Stanford, or Louisville, or Wisconsin, or Butler, or Siena. And that's a guarantee!

Bryce D. from Indiana wants to know, "is there anything better than the first weekend of the NCAA Tournament?"

No. Several things can come close to competing with the Big Dance, but really there is nothing better. Not even a White Shadow marathon. Although that would be about as close as you could get.

Kyle K. from Salt Lake City, UT writes, "seems like a down year for the mid-majors to me, although there are a few bright spots, is there gonna be a mid-major that shocks the world this year?"
Probably? I dunno. You see with the surge of mid-majors over the last decade or so, people are sort of desensitized to the mid-majors, especially with Bracketbusters going strong with the 47 games it throws out there. You see no one is gonna be as shocked when, say, a team like Winthrop wins its first round game as an 11 or 12 seed. As a hoops watcher, you should still root for the upset (and not your bracket!) and be ecstatic when it happens. Butler, I would say, has the best shot of any Mid-Major in the tourney, but they aren't gonna surprise many people, and because they've been hyped for sometime now, they are also in perfect shape to get bounced in the early rounds. Yes folks another bold prediction from "Bitterness": Butler may win or lose in the first couple of rounds. Book it!

Blake S. of Spokane, WA asks,"is Butler the new Gonzaga?"

What do you mean?! I guess in it's most basic form, yes, Butler is doing what Gonzaga has done, by breaking into the top 10 at times and being mentioned with the big guns of the college hoops world. And of course they are both the Bulldogs, although Gonzaga goes by Zags. And like I said the Bulldogs will probably go further and farther than any other mid-major this year, unless they don't. And you can take that to the bank!

Kent H of Minneapolis, MN is ready for baseball season, "Just a few weeks away from Opening Day, and was wondering if you had any fantasy advice?"
Well, as it happens I have already got one draft in the books, with at least two more in the future. And I have to say, in all honesty, this was probably the best draft I've ever had! Usually I'm somewhat disappointed with some wasted pick or reaching to get a Miguel Cairo or Geoff Blum. But not this time around. I stuck to my guns and did my thing. I didn't panic when catchers started flying off the board or when frontline starting pitchers began to go. No, I stayed the course and wound up with a very balanced squad that should be tough to beat. Now sure I know Miguel and several others will be a bit disappointed that they didn't make the cut this year, but it happens. The best advice I have is to have some sort of game plan in place and stick to it as best you can. It also doesn't hurt to have a contingency plan. And for those in my upcoming drafts reading this here are some guys you should scoop up early:

Jason Kendall: Sure he's actually gonna bat behind the pitcher and only hit like .190 last year, but that's got upside written all over it!

Rich Aurilia: He's still got a solid season in him, we know it. Plus he's in that potent Giants offense. Can you say Benji Molina?

Bobby Crosby: So, he didn't hit his weight last season? And sure, the A's have a weak offense around him, but I smell a breakout season.

Doug Mientkiewicz: Sure he won't hit for power or average, won't get on base, but when you need to boost your fantasy fielding percentage, he's your man!

Coco Crisp: Okay, I know he hasn't hit well in Boston, but he'll give you points in the ridiculous catch category, that's for sure! And what he lacks in statistics, he makes up for in "pluck"! Plus you'll need a solid #9 hitter, right?

Well that's all we got for today, but be on the lookout next week, cause the posts could be coming fast and furious!

And now, cheese:

TUESDAYS WITH MAURY

Time for a very special Wednesday edition of "Tuesdays with Maury" here at "Bitterness". In honor of March Madness we say, "Let the games begin!"



Don't know 'bout anyone else, but we just can't wait for Selection Sunday to see the "match"-ups.