Friday, April 25, 2008


The NFL Draft is nearly upon us, which means it's time to role out the "Bitterness is a Fish You Can Catch" NFL Draft Drinking Game. The NFL Draft is by far the most watched draft of any major sport and garners many males to waste a Saturday sitting in front of the television set, watching video of college players and people stepping up to, and onto, a podium. It's a long day and really you're probably not gonna care about 97% of the picks. And that may even be a high number, but luckily we're here to liven things up for you. Now of course these are more or less just suggestions to get started, and you can sure as heck, add, or modify any of these to your own liking.

--Anytime an announcer at the draft uses the word "upside". Usually this just means that they think very little of the player, but don't want he or his family to feel bad. Here's an example: "He's not very mobile and has a questionable arm, but this quarterback has a big upside!" There is no actual film or comments to back this statement up, it's just believed to be true, because someone on television said it.

--Everytime the team on the clock brings the clock down to under a minute before selecting.

--Anytime anyone thanks God. This may or may not happen a lot. God may also have bigger concerns than where Vernon Gholston goes.

--Separate the room into offense and defense. The offensive guys drink every time an offensive guy is drafted and, obviously, the defensive guys will drink for every defensive guy drafted.

--Whenever Chris Berman throws out a Bermanism or one of his "clever" nicknames like Jerod "Hold the" Mayo or Lima "How" Sweed "it is".

--Anytime they show the lame promo that will feature several of the projected first round picks, spinning footballs, and generally looking manly. Bonus drinks if they're shirtless, naturally.

-- Here's a fun one, similar to a power hour. Drink a shot, or sip of, beer, every minute your team is on the clock. It'll at least make the second round more interesting I feel.

-- Everytime they show you a war room or mention "the war room".

-- Anytime current NFL players speak during the event.

-- You could have everyone separately, or as a group, pick a collegiate conference and drink everytime someone from that conference is selected. Now just to weed out those who don't want to drink cause they have to be relatively sober when they go home to their families, make it conferences who have shots at getting players drafted. Or up the ante if they pick, say the Ivy League.

--Whenever they compare a draftee to a current or former NFL Player, like "Many think so-and-so is without a doubt the next Eric Hipple." "This kid's being touted as the next Jon Kitna." You know, stuff like that.

--Everytime a lineman is drafted. You could also up the ante and make it only offensive linemen, but then you'd probably have to up the drinkage as well.

--Any sort of combine footage.

--Anytime they mention a draft bust, like Akili Smith, David Klingler, or Ki-Jana Carter. Seriously, who was running those Bengals' drafts? A trained monkey smoking a cigarette?

-- Anytime consecutive picks play the same position.

--Anytime the announcing team all enjoy a little chuckle at something one of them said.

--Anytime they flashback to a previous NFL Draft

--Anytime the announcers, especially Mel Kiper, are surprised by a selection.

--Anytime the player gets up to go to the podium and their suit or attire, generates an honest to God, "Damn" or a "Whoa!" from the room you are in. This will tend to happen with a what is commonly referred to as a "pimp" suit. Anything technicolor, finish 'em up!

--Anytime a player is drafted who has two capital letters in his first name, like JaMarcus or LaRon.

--Anytime a pick happens and you don't see it, because the announcers are still talking and they have to then catch you up on what you missed.

--When it gets towards the end of the first round and they start showing that last poor soul in the green room, wondering where and when he will get drafted (See Brady Quinn), You can do a couple things here, like drink everytime they show him, or, drink for every pick (from when he becomes the last player in attendance) that goes by until he is selected.

-Anytime someone from your local school or area is drafted. You could switch this up and have everyone in the room drink when someone from their alma mater is drafted, if this can carry the game. If you happen to be in a room of dudes, with an alma mater that didn't even sport a football squad, this may not work as well. Mix it up, make it your own.

-- Everytime the crowd boos.

--Anytime a trade takes place.

--Any first round pick who is not in attendance to go up to the podium

-- Anytime Berman says something that honestly makes you laugh, because it's funny and not because he's an idiot. This may not happen.

--Everytime a placekicker or punter is selected. This, you may need to carry over into the second day, but who knows.

--The person announcing the picks (Goodell maybe?) badly mispronounces a name.

--Anytime "gunslinger" or "riverboat gambler" is uttered by the announcing team.

--Anytime the clock expires and someone loses a pick.

-- Anytime someone is drafted from a school that is not Division I-A.

-- And of course anytime they mention Shockey.

There you have it, plenty of stuff to get you started, but remember drink responsibly and get those cats spayed and neutered.

1 comment:

  1. any way to get some drinking involved with my favorite part of the draft, which is the montage of highlights of the most recent pick just wrecking shit.

    can we drink everytime we see a DE just blow by a weakside tackle for a blindside hit on the quarterback from a questionable university such as University of Houston or something similar.