FANTASY FOOFARAH: THE WRIGHT STUFF?

David Wright may be the most boring fantasy baseball star out there. Now, before all you fans of the Metropolitans get all in a tizzy, let me explain. I am not saying that David Wright is not a great player or that he is generally dull. No, no, no. Now, will he hit over three hunny? More than likely. Will he slug 30 plus dingers? Sure. Will he drive home 125 runs or more? Probably. Let's face it, David Wright is a fantasy baseball beast, and puts up all-around great numbers, but its how he gets to these numbers, that makes him one of the most boring fantasy ballplayers around. Confused yet? Well the thing is, he never “seems” to have huge nights. Or weeks, for that matter. Still not understanding? Well, that's because I'm still getting there! Hold your horses! Alright, think about it this way: a season of +.300 BA, with 35 dingers and 125 RBIs, is generally considered pretty darned solid, right? That's rhetorical, the answer is “yes”. But really break it down. There's 25ish weeks in the MLB season, which means that a guy with 35 taters and 125 RBIs in a season, would, on average, need only hit less than 1.5 homers a week and drive in 5 runs to accomplish that. Hardly monster numbers, to say the least, yet not a lot of guys even do that. But what makes David Wright so boring, is that he “seems” to do that week in and week out. Rarely do you get a “sexy” 5-5, 3HR, 6RBI night from the Mets slugger, nor do you get huge week. I mean, sure from time to time he'll have a few hits in a game and put some big numbers on the board, but more often than not he gets to his big season-end numbers in the most boring way possible. In fact if you had him in head-to-head leagues last year (as I did) you may have noticed this. B-O-R-I-N-G, boring. Now, sure, consistency is good, but for a first-rounder you want a guy that'll help carry your team most weeks, am I right? 1-2 homers and 5-6 RBIs a week from your top pick, is probably not gonna get it done. Now I know what your thinking, “But isn't it good to know that you'll get that week in and week out?” Sure, because most guys will have to balance big weeks, with mediocre-to-very bad weeks, it seems guarantees are good. In my AL-only league, for instance, I have Miguel Cabrera and Carlos Quentin, two major fantasy studs, who provided absolutely nothing offensively for me last week. I still managed to win my game, and I know its only a matter of time before they have a huge week. Its just more fun, if your a stat geek like me, to check the box score and see those gargantuan digits in your guys stat columns. I mean, personally I would rather have the huge weeks here and there, but maybe that's just me? But watch your leagues throughout the year and see where the guys who took David Wright are in the standings. I contend that those who took David Wright with their first picks in head-to-head leagues will not, I repeat, not, finish in first. Unless they are very savvy fantasy players or are in a league filled to the brim with dimwits. If you have David Wright, trade him! Run! Don't walk to you fantasy roster and move him, ASAP! If you're in one of my fantasy leagues, I will take him off your hands, just to prove my point, because I am a nice guy. But you're not gonna get huge value for him. You'll thank me later. Hope you enjoyed the first of many Fantasy Foofarahs, where I'll be giving you valuable fantasy advice and nuggets all season long!

ROUNDOFFS: AT LEAST BETTER THAN CHIEN-MING WANG

• What's wang with Chien-Ming? Well, when you don't strike guys out, but rather, rely on a sinker to get grounders, and then that sinker don't sink, well, you do the math.
  
• Quote of the week: "He's coming into a spot you wouldn't give to a leopard..."- the incomparable Vin Scully.
  
• Make fun of Carl Pavano, and he pitches well? Don't worry, he was a little more Pavano-ish against the Twins on Saturday.
• When the Rays are hitting, they are fun to watch.
• Quick! Off the top of your head name the current starting rotation for the Toronto Blue Jays! You can't do it, can you?! Its easy, allow me. Roy Halladay, Southpaw, What's his Name, Newbie, and Gustavo Chacin. BOOM!
• Speaking of Chacin, who had surgery and disappeared to parts unknown....he is actually in the Phillies organization. Who knew?! Maybe the Phillies. Maybe! Chacin is the first one to suffer the fragrance curse. It was not long after Gustavo Chacin Cologne night at Skydome, that his career took a turn. I did not make that up, it was a real promo! It is Canadia, so......
• The Nationals are just downright awful.
  
• Zack Greinke has not allowed an earned run in 29 innings this season! If you like pitching, you need to watch Greinke work! Although maybe not in his next start, since, I've more than likely just jinxed him.
  
• On the flip side, Matt Lindstrom gave up seven, yes SEVEN, earned runs in two-thirds of an inning against the defending World Champion Phillies on Friday night, erasing Josh Johnson's quality start.
• The uniforms the Padres wore on Saturday night were nothing short of wonderful!
• Russell Branyan hit is fourth homer of the season this weekend. I'm just saying.
• Of course Brandon Inge, yes Brandon Inge, has 7 homers, so anyone who has him on their fantasy team is a lucky duck!
  
• Watching the Dodgers hit is just good ol' fashioned fun.
  
• Seriously the Nationals are just horrendous.
• If I had to choose, I'd say Bengie's probably my favorite Molina.
• I think its safe to say Daniel Murphy won't be winning a Gold Glove anytime soon. Not only has he made two very costly errors in left, but he has managed to fall down twice, which is, well, funny. Not to Mets fans though I guess.
• Nyger Morgan is just plain having fun out there!
• Am I the only one who misses Hideki Irabu?
• Your "buy low" fantasy player of the week is (drum roll) Adrian Beltre. Beltre is off to a horrendous start and was actually dropped in two of my leagues! But I'm telling you, he has been as steady as they come over his career in a Mariner uni and he's in a contract year. His owners are panicking. Make your move!
• Your sell high fantasy player of the week: Zack Duke. I'm not saying Zack Attack won't be good or friends forever, but I think he won't be this good, and you can get value for him right now.
  
• Matchup of the week: Santana-Johnson II. Their first duel featured a 2-1 Marlins win, with Johnson throwing a complete game and Santana not giving up an earned run, but still losing, thanks to the aforementioned Daniel Murphy. Look for something very similar in Round 2. And if I'm Josh Johnson, I do not wanna leave this game with a lead.
  
• Remember when the Marlins were 11-1?
• Or when the Red Sox were 2-6? Seems like ages ago.
• Oxymoron of the week: Yankees relief-pitching.
• Never been a huge fan of Norm Chad, but he kinda hits some nails on the head with this one.
• Really not seeing anyone running away with the AL Central this year.
• Nor any reason the Dodgers shouldn't run away with the NL West.
• Reason #14 to get the MLB Extra Innings Package: Mark Grace. He is awesome. See for yourself!

• Not only does Ian Kinsler have awesome hair, but he can hit a bit too!
• And finally, your Beer of the week is in honor of the red hot Red Sox. Green Monsta Ale from Wachusett. A flavorful Pale Ale, that goes down great with Sawx wins. Its not the top pale ale out there, but is easy to drink down whilst watching America's pasttime.

"NOTHING SAYS BASEBALL, LIKE FAT MEN DANCING"

• This is the dance team you get when no one comes to your games.
• Worst. Village People cover band. Ever.
• What would you do for a free Craig Counsell jersey?
• Faaaaaaat guuuuuuuuy, in a little coat, er, jersey. Faaaaat guuuuuyyy in a little jersey!
  
• Bocephus and friends?
• Reason #127 to get the MLB Extra Innings Package!
  
• Well, those not invited to Dolphins camp, had to find something to pay the bills!
  
• Al Newman has really let himself go!

These are the Man-atees! The plus-size, all-male, Marlins cheerleading squad! Guess, I'm a little late to the game on this one, as it was all the buzz last winter, when they held tryouts, but I got my first sighting last night and, well, to say it was surreal, would, well, not even do it justice!



Don't worry the Man-atees will make regular appearances here at "Bitterness", but do they have what it takes to beat out the Rally Van Damme?

NFL DRAUGHT

Yes Bitternessians, it is once again that time of year! Yep, war rooms, "upside", flashy suits, booing New Yorkers and of course the best part, at least in my humble opinion, the Bitterness is a Fish You Can Catch NFL Draught! Please, please, hold your applause. This year we're gonna mix it up slightly, but not too much, because, well mostly because, we fear change. But we don't wanna give away the surprise. For those of you new to the "Draught", what the heck is the matter with you! I kid. But seriously? Anyway in the off chance that this is your first NFL Draught, here's how it works, we concoct a delicious NFL related tap list. Now you won't find a Tedy Bruschi or former lineman Sam Adams. No, no it's much better than all of that! In fact this year, wait for it, we're not even using players! What?! No players?! In the words of Ralph Wiggum, "That's unpossible." But, do not fret, it'll be okay. Just breathe, grab a brew, and enjoy!
BUFFALO PILS- Light. Crisp. Refreshing. Oh wait that's Diet Pepsi. This is a nice light brew, that's highly drinkable.

INDIANAPOLIS KOLSCH- A nice brew as golden as the plains of Indiana. As delicious as the Buffalo Pils, but with a tad more bite.

NEW ENGLAND PALE-TRIOT ALE- Light amber in color, with a nice balance of piney hops and caramel malt backing.
PHILADELPHIA EAG-ALE- This high-flying IPA will have you soaring from its 8.2% ABV. Fly Eag-ale, fly!

MINNESOTA HEFE-VIKING- A big bad Belgian with big bad citrusy aroma, that reels you in. You'll wanna pillage and plunder this one for sure!

ST. LOUIS RAMBER- An amber with some kick, you'll wanna grab this one by the horns!
CHICAGO BEAR-LEYWINE: As potent as a hit from Brian Ur-lager, this beverage will knock you on your Butkus!
WASHINGTON IRISH REDSKIN ALE- Creamy, red and delicious! This one'll put you in hog heaven!

TAMPA BAY BOCK-ANEER- This is a Bockstar! A nice dark reddish color, with incredible maltiness!

CLEVELAND BROWN ALE- A nice roasted malt flavor, helps give this brown ale its character. Dark and rich, with a nice smooth finish, this rocks as much as Cleveland.
OAKLAND-AGED RAIDER STOUT- Oak-aged to perfection, this one is as dark and robust as your average Raider fan, but slightly less scary!
MALTIMORE RAVEN STOUT- As hard hitting as the Ravens "D", this one is absolutely stoutstanding!

And for those who like to really keep it real we also have the San Francisco Forty-Ouncer, a glowing example of malt liquor!

So have fun and drink up!

ROUNDOFFS: AT LEAST BETTER THAN CARL PAVANO

It was yet another exciting opening week of Major League Baseball, unfortunately with some tragedy thrown in. Our thoughts and prayers are with Nick Adenhart and the other victims of that car crash and their families. Let's take a look at what else went on in baseball's opening week:

• Who flipped the AL East standings around? The Jays in first, followed by the Os, Yankees, Rays and Red Sox. Literally the exact opposite of my prediction for the season.
  
• Other division leaders: Mariners, Padres, Cardinals, Marlins and Braves?
  
• Text sent to my friend Matt after Carl Pavano's return, "So much for Carl Pavano's triumphant return." The response, "There's nothing triumphant about being Carl Pavano. It's not like being John Malkovich." So true.
• Our quote of the week though, comes from a Nats-Marlins game last week. Now because I was flipping through different games, I'm not sure which announcer was responsible for this, but nevertheless here it is, "Nick Johnson's mother is Larry Bowa's brother. So Larry is Nick Johnson's uncle." Well any way you slice it, Bowa would end up being Nick's uncle, but I guess we'll have to wait until another game to find out how Nick's mom, in fact, became Larry Bowa's brother.
• Albert Pujols: still pretty good at hitting.
• Remember in 2008 when Cliff Lee carried the Indians rotation? Well, Cleveland, it's not 2008 anymore.
• Evan Longoria may be for real. He may not finish with the 135 homers he's on pace to hit, but 30 seems very reasonable.
• Emilio Bonifacio sure can run, but amidst his week one heroics, many may not have noticed the Pirates Nyjer Morgan having a solid week of his own.
• I'm not sure if I'd say Josh Johnson outdueled Johan Santana on Sunday, since Santana had slightly better numbers, but he did win, and he is for real.
• After the Rangers pounded the Tribe on Opening Day, they looked like they could have a fightin' chance this year, but it didn't take long to remember the Rangers can't pitch (they surrendered 28 runs in the next three games).
  
• The more I look at the AL Central, the more I think the Royals have a legitimate shot at making the Playoffs.
• For those that doubt my fanatsy strategy of not drafting "aces" early, peep these numbers: Tim Lincecum (0-1, 7.56 ERA), CC Sabathia (1-1, 4.50), Jon Lester (0-1, 9.00), Roy Oswalt (0-2, 6.23). Sure its early, but wouldn't you rather have a bunch of sluggers? Odds of all of your bats slumping at the same time, not as great.
  
• Meanwhile, some pitchers you could've snagged in the 7th round or later, after loading up with sluggers, in most fantasy leagues: Josh Johnson (2-0, 0.57), Aaron Harang (1-1, 0.64), Chris Volstad (1-0, 1.80), John Danks (0-0, 0.00), Paul Maholm (1-0, 1.32) and Zack Grienke (2-0, 0.00).
• One team that has lived up to expectations thus far is the Nationals. They are very much as bad as everyone thought. John Lannan is their ace, for pete's sake! George Dubya Bush looked pretty good throwing out the first pitch last season, maybe they could use him as a middle reliever, he's got some free time.
  
• Your buy low fantasy pick up of the week this week is of course Nyjer Morgan, cause chances are Emilio Bonifacio went faster than a tray of cheeseburgers at fat camp! Now Nyjer is not gonna give you power, but he should get on and run around quite a bit!
  
• Jason Motte is making me look stupid, which I think you all know is, extremely hard to do.
• The Nationals may be the "sexy" losers, but the Astros are no slouches themselves. Well, why sell them short, they're tremendous slouches.
• For those who don't hold much stock in the year-after-effect for pitchers who throw more than 30 innings over their previous season highs, take a look at this list of the pitchers who had the biggest increases last year: Lester, Hamels, Billingsley, and Lincecum. Just some food for thought.
• This week's series of the week, is this weekend's Cubs-Cardinals series. Already a bitter and storied rivalry, the fact that the two teams head into the week atop the NL Central should only add fuel to the fire.
  
• I guess I was wrong when I said the Yankees did not fix their bullpen needs with their offseason spending spree. Nick Swisher looked pretty solid in his first, and hopefully not last, relief outing of the season.
  
• Most underrated 1-2-3 of a rotation? Meche, Greinke, and Davies. Unfortunately, the Royals 4-5 starters are Sir Sidney Ponson and Horacio Ramirez.
  
• The Indians must be glad they Shin-Soo Chose, Shin-Soo Choo. He's not as flashy as former Indian Taka Tanaka, but he'll get the job done.
• Your "Bitterness" Baseball Beer of the Week for Week 2 is Brooklyn Pennant Ale '55 in honor of both New York teams opening up their new parks.

Well, that wraps up another edition of Roundoffs. Hope you enjoyed and here's to a great week of baseball.

10 THINGS YANKEES FANS LEARNED ON OPENING DAY

1. CC needs that extra deep dish pizza before each start. Don't try and control him Yankees, his diet is time tested.
2. Mark Texiera cannot walk on water. In fact he may not even be able to float in water.
3. Nor can he turn aforementioned water into wine.
4. Despite what you may think, CC does not like cold weather.
5. The camera does not add 120 pounds, CC is, in fact, that big.
6. CC cannot sing REM's, "It's the End of the World as we Know It" perfectly, during karaoke.
7. CC will not dominate every time out.
   
8. The Orioles hitters aren't that bad.
   
9. Signing Texiera, Sabathia and Burnett did not fix the bullpen.
10. The Orioles magic number is 161.
    

ROUNDOFFS: HGH FREE BASEBALL PREVIEW

• Okay, can everyone stop asking who this year's Rays will be, as if what they did last year, is common occurrence? No perennial last place teams will make the World Series this year. But the team with the best shot is probably the Royals, who could make the playoffs. Their division is probably the most wide open, and they have mad key, albeit unsexy, improvements. But, having said that, I think a lot of people are calling this and ready to jump on the Royal bandwagon, which usually means it won't happen.
• As for the Rays, they were not a fluke!
• And this year's Rays can't be last year's Rays, its scientifically impossible.
• For what the Yankees spent in the off-season, you'd think they'd have less holes. That outfield is intimidating though with Brett Gardner, Xavier Nady and Johnny Damon. Look out!
• Though, Giambi did leave a big thong to fill.
• Kinda wish Phil Coke and Rocky Cherry pitched out of the same bullpen, for nice 1-2 punch of Cherry-Coke.
• I don't buy into David Price. There, I said it! To be quite honest it looked he was given a large strike zone in the playoffs, which won't continue.
• Here are some names you should look out for this season: Scott Lewis and Josh “Don't call me Richard” Geer.
• I love Jon Lester and his story, but look for him to hit the DL at least once this year.
• I mean, why did Terry Francona all of sudden turn into Dusty Baker? He just let Lester pitch and pitch.
• I don't know what the Giants financials look like, but I think Manny would've been a good investment for them. Not that Bengie Molina and Fred Lewis aren't a formidable 3-4 or anything.
• Where have you gone Hideki Irabu?
• Another team on the rise? How about the Reds? They could very well win their division. If Aaron Harang returns to form, Bronson Arroyo has a solid year, Edison Volquez builds on last year, Johnny Cueto lives up to the hype, and the Cubs flop, which let's face it could happen. They are after all, the Cubs.
• I don't find Ryan Braun all that attractive. Now Tim Lincecum on the other hand.....
• Terry Francona is overrated.
• You heard it here first, Russel Branyan will quite possibly have a career year!
• I haven't jumped on the Jacoby Ellsbury bandwagon just yet.
• As for Pedro Alvarez, well that's a whole 'nother story for a whole 'nother time.
• The Orioles could score quite a few runs this year. Only problem is, they don't have any way of preventing other teams from doing the same.
• Calling Kerry Wood a step up from Joe Borowski is like saying Ford is a step up from Chevy.
• For you fantasy baseball folks in deep leagues, pick up Mike Fontenot or Jed Lowrie if you want to win. Don't expect Chase Utley-like numbers, but don't expect Rickie Weaks numbers either. Fontenot can rake, and hit, plus he's in a potent lineup. Lowrie's not gonna hit 3 hunny, but he should get at least 75-80 RBIs, which is money for a late round SS in deep mixed or AL-only leagues.
• Looking for relief, watch out for Steven Shell. He will be the Nats closer, by season's end.
• Before you moan and groan at another celebrity trying his hand at baseball, that's Eric Stults on the Dodgers roster, not Mask (not to be confused with The Mask) star Eric Stoltz.
• The Marlins won't make the playoffs, but should be very, very pesky. I think this Hanley Ramirez fella, might be pretty good. Plus they may have the best starting rotation in the bigs. Sorry Texas.
• Stat you may not know: Gil Meche was in the top 5 in strikeouts last year, after the All-Star Break.
• Not really sure why everyone was so shocked that USA lost in the WBC? I mean, the Far East has been producing better quality products for quite some time. I didn't see any of the games as my American made VCR broke while recording.
• Now, of course when decent players retire, we inevitably get barraged with the old Hall of Fame debate. And most cases can be argued either way, but I feel that while stats are important, they shouldn't be the only factor. So I'm gonna say it, “Put him in! Corey Koskie deserves it!”
• This year's division winners will be: Red Sox, Twins (they're pitching is as solid as it gets), Angels (best in the AL West doesn't necessarily mean much), Phillies (um, they added Raul Ibanez, those lucky ducks), Reds (had to shake things up somewhere) and the Diamondbacks (they can pitch past the Dodgers).
• Wild Cards: Rays and Cubs
• MVPs: Ryan Braun and Carlos Quentin
• ROYs: Matt Wieters (call it a sleeper pick) and Jason Motte
• Cy Youngs: Josh Beckett and Johan Santana
• Comeback Players of the Year: Khalil Greene and Carl Pavano (all he's got do is hit like .245 and the award is his).
• This year's Ryan Ludwick: Russell Branyan
• K-Rod will not even reach 50 saves.
  
• This year's Cliff Lee: Javier Vasquez
• Batting Champs: Jimmy Rollins and Kevin Youkilis (Howie Kendrick if he stays healthy)
• Home Run Champs: Carlos Quentin and Ryan Howard
  
• This year's David Price: Daniel Bard?
• Its Sox over the Cubs in 6.