So, last week, was not so good, pick wise. So this week will definitely, possibly, maybe be better.

TITANS@ JETS: A good ol' clash of titans.....and Jets. Or is it? After letting Big Ben pick them apart at the end of the opener, the Titans proceeded to go out and get stumped by "the Schaub", wasting Chris Johnson's big day. Some say it's because there's no more Phat Albert Haynesworth, others say it's due to Jim Schwartz moving to the Lions' den. Me? Well it could be a bit of both, but what do I really think it is? Curse of Steve McNair. What?! Too soon? Titans 13-12

JAGUARS @ TEXANS: Houston, we have a problem. Sure the Texans beat the Titans last week, but how far can they go with this "defense"? First the Jets ran all over them, then the Titans. And what in the name of Kailee Wong was going on when Chris Johnson was just left out wide, all by his lonesome?! Absolutely ridiculous! So look for a big day out of Maurice Jones-Drew in a losing effort as "the Schaub" rolls up the yards and points. Texans 34-23

CHIEFS @ EAGLES: The Eagles defense should be hungry for redemption after Drew Brees lit them up last week. McNabb or no McNabb, that's bad news for Todd Haley and the Chiefs. Eagles 27-13

BROWNS @ RAVENS: Threw the Browns into CAM (Create an Adjective Machine) and it gave us, ungood, uberfutilous, and superawfulicious. Really paints a picture, don't it? The Browns are worse than bad and right now draw comparisons to certain other brown things. And we're not talking about Whatchamacalits, either. Ravens 31-9

GIANTS @ BUCCANEERS: Finally the epic, highly anticipated, kill or be killed, Derrick Ward Bowl I! No? Alright how about the "Most People Could Care Less and Forgot Derrick Ward Wasn't Playing for the Giants, Because Most People Confuse Him With Ahmad Bradshaw Anyway Bowl"? Seems wordy. I'm still not confident in Eli Manning, but I'm less confident in the Buccaneers. Giants 28-17

REDSKINS @ LIONS: Children of the Zorn have not exactly been an offensive juggernaut thus far, making this the trendy upset pick of the week. There's just something in my gut that tells me this isn't the week for the Lions. Of course that feeling could just be indigestion, who knows. Redskins 21-17

PACKERS @ RAMS: So, I picked the Packers to win the Super Bowl, and thus far they are making me look like a simp. But, BUT, this is the week where they turn it all around. Barely beating the Bears? In the past. Losing to the Bengals at home? Forget it! The new season starts Sunday for the Pack, where they will play like a well oiled machine and come 2010, make me look like Notre Damus! Or something to that extent. Packers 35-10

49ERS @ VIKINGS: One of the tougher games to pick this week. A few thoughts here:

1. Settle down Vikings fans, they beat the Browns and the Lions.
2. If the Vikings don't start protecting Brett Favre, they'll be seeing the highly scorned Tavarius Jackson, sooner, rather than later. (Jackson has been so insignificant, I'm not even sure I spelled his first name correctly and I'm not gonna look it up!)
3. May not mean anything, but the Niners have now one six of their last seven under Mike Singletary.
4. Brad Childress may just be a "D-bag". More to come on that.
5. Fact! This will not be a shootout.
6. Vikings 16-13

FALCONS @ PATRIOTS: Now this could be a shootout! Matty Ice's triumphant return to New England and he has been showing a great deal of poise. The Patriots need to prove they are still a tough draw, while the "dirty birds" need to prove they are the real deal. This could also be your typical Patriots statement game. Or not. Should be a fun though. Falcons 31-27

SEAHAWKS @ BEARS: Yeah, so remember when I said as long as Matt Hasselbeck was healthy the Seahawks would dominate the NFC West. I stand by that statement. Bears 24-21

SAINTS @ BILLS: Nothing like a game against the Bucs to right the ship, eh Dick Jauron? Now you can really get things rolling! It's not like you have the highest powered offense in the NFL coming to, oh, wait a tick. The Saints come marching into town Sunday, and Mark Kelso is not walking through that door! Saints 35-27

DOLPHINS @ CHARGERS: In week two, Philip Rivers threw for four-hundred some odd yards against the Ravens....and lost. The Dolphins had the ball for like eighty something percent of the game against the Colts....and lost. Interesting. Chargers 28-24

STEELERS @ BENGALS: Hard to believe, but if not for one miraculous play the Bengals would be 2-0. The Bengals are peskier than street urchins. Trust me, I know. They have pretty much shut down opposing running backs. And that list of running backs includes the one and only Correll Buckhalter, so they are for real. This does not bode will for "Not So Fast" Willie Parker. The Bengals are my upset special of week three. Bengals 27-21

BRONCOS @ RAIDERS: Is there a less intimidating 2-0 team than the Broncos? I submit that there is not! They could very well become the least intimidating 3-0 team ever if they can beat the Raiders. That's probably not asking very much, since JaMarcus Russell is the worst QB in the NFL. Broncos 17-6

COLTS @ CARDINALS: Peyton and the Colts offense should be on the field for more than in Miami. Bad news for the Cardinals. Colts 31-24

PANTHERS @ COWBOYS: They're calling this one the Maligned Quarterback Bowl! Okay, no one is calling that, but it is catchy, don't ya think? No? Eh. Despite the fact the Cowboys have never one a regular season game at Big TV Stadium, I think they'll be alrightish enough to beat the Panthers. Cowboys 28-23

And now you're cheese:

WEEK TWO: DELHOMME ON THE RANGE?

Sorry for the lateness of this weeks picks, but you'll get over it. In some ways week two is even harder to pick than week one. So many questions arise after week one. Will the Texans be this bad all year? Will "Fast" Willie Parker consistently get past the line of scrimmage? Is Jake Delhomme done being decentish? Are the Dolphins headed south? Is Dick Jauron eating? Is the rest of the AFC West catching up to the Chargers faster than we think? Well, we may or may not know the answers to these questions just yet, but we will soon enough. On with the picks!

TEXANS @ TITANS: Can't say I completely understand Chuck Cecil's defensive play calling towards the end of regulation and overtime against the Steelers, but "Chuck Wagon" will have a chance at redemption against the not-so-high-flying Texans in the Titan home opener. The Texans looked utterly baffled by the Jet 3-4 defense and Mark "Not so dirty" Sanchez in week one. Look for another rough week for Steve Slaton, against a very stingy Titan "D", while Chris Johnson and LenDale White run amok. Maybe this week Dunta Robinson can write "Throw it towards me Kerry" on his shoes, since his man will probably be open. Titans 24-17

RAIDERS @ CHIEFS: These two squads share quite a few similarities in this young season. 1) Play in the AFC West, 2) Coached by inexperienced head coaches 3) Predicted to suck, a lot, 4) Were double digit underdogs in week one, 4) Played a lot better than people expected in week one. Now if "Sandy" Cassel can start this week, it'll make some sort of difference, but the "Cable Guy", has got the "Silver and Black" fired up for the first time in like seven years. Plus Tom Cable, at certain angles, resembles Walter Sobchak. It's only a matter of time before an opposing team jumps offsides and he gives the refs an, "OVER THE LINE!" Raiders 27-24 (seems like a boring score until I tell you it's all field goals.)

PATRIOTS @ JETS: Rex Ryan's not going to be kissing any of the Patriots rings this week in the Meadowlands. Huh? Is that general practice? I get what you're saying Rex, but we need to work on your trash talk. Maybe you could have gone with something simple like, "We ain't scared of them." or "Bring it on." (Little known fact: Rex Ryan actually makes his team watch the cinematic classic "Bring it on" nights before games to fire them up. So far he's 1-0 using the uplifting Kirsten Dunst flick, so don't laugh.) Patriots 28-27

BENGALS @ PACKERS: A lot of people, myself included, thought this could be the year of the Bengal, until we checked our Chinese calendars and realized we were in fact wrong. Sure, it did take a miraculous, and extremely lucky, play by the Broncos to beat the Bengals last week, but seven points? SEVEN?! Carson Palmer was back. Maybe not at 100%, but he was back! He should have picked apart that porous Broncos secondary! That was a game the Bengals needed to have, what with a trip to Lambeau looming. Instead it looks like an 0-2 hole coming up for the 'Gals. Packers 30-20

PANTHERS @ FALCONS: Last year in the playoffs Jake Delhomme played one of the worst games a QB could play, until last week, when he upped the ante, playing even worse. Now, Panthers fans, I can understand your frustration, but remember, he did guide your favorite team to a 12-4 record and a playoff birth just last year. He has led them to a Super Bowl. And last week was the first week of the season. Sure that shouldn't be an excuse, but yet, inevitably players will come out and play terribly in opening games, year after year. Call it jitters, call it unreadiness (not a word), call it "Al", doesn't matter. I get it, he could have got a lot of cash for the clunkers he's thrown up there in the last two games. But they were separated by eight months. EIGHT MONTHS! I could understand if it happened in back-to-back weeks, but for now Panthers fans, Jerome Bettis, can we kindly just step away from the panic button, and see what happens? Give the guy a chance at redemption! After all he has given this storied franchise, it's the least you could do. Falcons 24-20

SAINTS @ EAGLES: Even if McNabb plays, Eagles fans can't possibly be sold on him being his usual self. The Eagles defense will keep them in the game, but in the end Drew Brees will just be too darned much for them. Saints 28-24

RAMS @ REDSKINS: Not even sure there's a bright side right now for Rams fans. Um, let's see. Oh, I got it, the Blues' season starts in less than two weeks! Although I guess if you're a Rams fan, the "blues" started some time ago. Zing! 'Skins 27-10

VIKINGS @ LIONS: The good news is the Lions seemed much improved from last year. The bad news is they're still bad. It'll be closer than you think, but when you have Adrian Peterson at your disposal, you tend to win close games. Vikings 21-17

CARDINALS @ JAGUARS: I don't buy into that whole,"west coast teams can't win in the eastern time zone" baloney sandwich they keep serving us. Isn't it possible they just aren't as good as the east coast teams they are playing? look at the five 2008, regular season, eastern time zone losses for the Cardinals- Redskins, Jets, Panthers, Eagles, Patriots. Of those five teams, only the Redskins had a worse record, but they were 8-8, exactly one game worse than the Cardinals. Plus, didn't the Cardinals win in Carolina in the playoffs? Having said that, I'm picking the Jaguars 24-23

BUCCANEERS @ BILLS: Is it just me or does Dick Jauron need to eat something? A couple of times they cut to his hollowed visage, I thought, “If you paint him Boo Berry Blue, he'd look like Skeletor.” Anyway, by the power of Jerry Gray's skull, the defense looked solid on Monday. The special teams, well.....no, I am not going to rehash what happened on Monday night. Bills fans don't need to here it. I'm not gonna bring up the fact they were riding the gravy train with biscuit wheels to victory against the dynastic Patriots. No, because I have class goddammit! Class enough to not mention that Leodis McKelvin should have taken a touchback late in the game or at the very least have just gone down, rather than fight for another unimportant yard, once out of the endzone. Bills fans don't need to be reminded of that or the fact that he fumbled, allowing the Butt Chinned One to need only 31 yards in under two minutes to take a lead they would never relinquish. No, I am not going to talk about any of that! I have too much respect for Bills fans (well the ones I know, at least) to do that to them. That's in the past, my friends, stop bringing it up already, jeez! Time to move on, the Bucs are coming to town, and that's good news Bills fans, because when I plugged the Bucs into my new "Create an Adjective Machine (CAM)” it gave me the word, abysmalistic! Bills 27-14

SEAHAWKS @ 49ERS: Uh-oh, a battle for first place in the NFC West! The Niners may prove all sorts of feisty this year, but in my humble opinion, with a healthy Hasselback, the Seahawks are once again the class of the NFC West. And yes, I have very little to say about either team. Seahawks 21-13.

BROWNS @ BRONCOS: Tough to say if there's a less watchable game this week. I submit that there is not! Yes, it's a battle of Belichik disciples, but that's hardly compelling. Surprised Mangini-us hasn't withheld who his starting QB will be, this week. Although it didn't seem the Vikings needed more than a couple of days to prepare for the Mighty Quinn, go figure? Anyone else think Mangini-us is over-thinking things a bit? I think this may actually be both the least watchable and the hardest to pick game of the week. Honestly, does anyone want to watch this? I thought not. I'm picking the Broncos, only because they're at home. Broncos 9-3

BEARS @ STEELERS: No Urlacher, no Polamalu, no worries! Yes both defenses will be without their lead actors, but they have a decent ensemble cast.. Even better than the ensemble cast of Soapdish! In any event, the QBs will take plenty of the match-up hype in this one. Something tells me the Bears might not lay down on defense if this one is close late, but Jay Cutler is up against more 3-4 shenanigans, which is Bad News Bears, Walter Matthau, for him! Steelers 22-13

RAVENS @ CHARGERS: The Bolts were not all that impressive against the simplistic Man-Safety Raiders defense thrown at them on Monday night. I know, it was a Man-Safety defense because Steve Young mentioned it 700 times in the first half. It's a rough estimate, I didn't actually count. You'd think the Ravens would offer up a slightly more complex defensive game plan, although Brodie Croyle and the Chieves made things a bit Jim J. Bullock, or too close for comfort, on Sunday. But the Ravens did provide us with another great moment in sports gambling history, inexplicably going for another touchdown, late, with the game seemingly in hand, to just beat out that 13-point spread. The Baltimore underworld thanks you Jon “don't call me Jim” Harbaugh. Ravens 28-24

GIANTS @ COWBOYS: Considering “Yugo” Williams and company ran all over the Boys in week one, Brandon Jacobs should have no trouble bowling over them in week two. I wonder if Romo or Eli, upon seeing intense coverage down field will try and hit the Jumbotron, to get a replayed down. Just want to see one of them hurt there arm, is that too much to ask? Ah well, Giants 27-21

COLTS @ DOLPHINS: The Colts juuuuuust edged out the Jags last week, but should have less trouble with the other Floridian squad. Meanwhile the 'Phins are looking to rebound from their week one loss in Hotlanta. I don't see it happening, not with Chad Pennington anyway. Colts 31-14

And here's your cheese:

FUTILE FIFTEEN

15. McNabb's Ribs- Sound like a place I'd go for some good ol' fashioned BBQ, but alas it is not. D-Nabb's ribs, cracked, broke or whatever, should not be tested in Week 2. I'm no doctor, but it seems like it'd be hard to throw a football with rib problems.

14. Jay Cutler Hype- I've said it before and I'll say it again, what exactly has Jay Cutler shown us? Maybe, just maybe, he's an upgrade from Kyle Orton, but really, who isn't?

13. Wildcat- Really I'm just sick of hearing about the "Wildcat". Formations like this and similar to this have been around for ages, but someone has sustained success (game and half or so), gives it a name, and it becomes all the rage. Blah!

12. Eric Mangini- Seems like the Vikings didn't need more than a few days to prepare for Brady Quinn. One can only imagine what would have happened with Derek Anderson at the helm. Does anyone else think Mangini-us is just overthinking everything to find a competitive edge?

11. Texans- The Jets are improved yes, but the Texans just looked baffled out there on Sunday.

10. Reggie Bush- Someday he's gonna prove he can be an RB1, but that seems to be a long way off.

9. Lions- Although improved, losing your 18th game in a row, is still futile.

8. Jon Gruden- Overall, seems to be a nice addition to the booth, but he called Matt Light, Todd Lyght at least three times on Monday night.

7. Todd Lyght- Poor guy's been retired for quite some time now, and he's getting blamed for pressure on Tom Brady. That and from his name you'd think he was white. And I got him confused with Todd Houlihan!

6. Mike and Mike and Steve- Didn't watch the whole game, but what I heard was more than enough for me to not want to listen. Is it just me or does Mike Greenberg have the perfect voice for print media?

5. Buccaneers- They're just not good.

4. Pittsburgh running game- Well Willie Parker got to the line "fast", but tough to gage his speed from that.

3. Chuck Cecil- Maybe there's someone out there who can explain why he stopped applying pressure to Ben Roethlisberger late in the game?

2. Jake Delhomme- Anyone who watched the Carolina game or just read JD's line, knows what I'm talkign about.

1. Leodis McKelvin- Nothing like making a dumb play to, for all intents and purposes, cost your team the game, and have no remorse about it. The thing about this is, Bobby Avril is one of the best Special Teams coaches there is, and I can't imagine he didn't tell Leodis to take a touchback if he could. Am I right? Sure, no guarantee the Bills win anyway, but the odds are probably a lot better, if you don't give Tom Brady the ball at your 31-yard line with about two minutes left.

SUNDAY MORNING AUDIBLE: COOL YOUR JETS

It's finally here! The games now have some sort of meaning. Sure, there was a game played already, but us true football fans know that today is the day when it really gets going! But here are some other truths you should be prepared for as we sit less than two hours away from football:

• Prepare to have your mind blown. I guarantee you, at least 3 things will surpirse you in Week 1.
• Brett Favre will have a decent game, win against the Browns, and start up the Favre praise-a-tron 3000. Let's everyone just settle down before it happens. He's playing THE BROWNS! Also he has Adrian Peterson! Let's not go through last year again, where everyone lauded him for beating the Dolphins, mostly because his receivers bailed him out a couple of times. So please, can we just stop this before it starts?
• Be ready to hear the term "Wildcat" uttered some hundred and seventy odd times. Now remember plenty of teams used versions of the "Wildcat", the Dolphins just used it more, because, well, their standard offense, um, sucked.
  
• Week one is so meaningful and yet so meaningless. I picked the Colts and Eagles to be upset in week one. If this or any other upset occurs, the talking heads, not the band, will be eager to point out all the flaws in said upsetee, and wonder if they are in trouble. Sure, they may be in trouble, but let's wait it out, shall we? Remember last year when the Colts lost the opener, and then barely escaped going 0-2? People were all up in arms, "The Colts aren't the same, they'll have trouble making the playoffs, yada, yada, yada." And lo and behold, somehow they managed to make the playoffs.
• The Dolphins will not be as good as last year, and not just because people are "ready" for the "wildcat", but because they're not good.
• Somewhere a first year coach will win a game. Read nothing into this.
  
• If I'm right and the Colts do lose, the media will say it's because Tony Dungy and Marvin Harrison are gone. But there's a chance they could have lost this game with Dungy and Harrison. Who really knows?
• Eric Mangini, and the rest of the football watching world, will realize the Vikings didn't need more than a week to prepare for Brady Quinn.
• Chad Ochocinco will score a touchdown, and somehow incorporate insulting Skip Bayless in his celebration.
• Pizza Hut will continue to boggle the mind with their "celebrity" endorsers. Tommy Davidson too big for "the Hut", BOOM, enter Jim Breuer. So who could be on-deck? Breckin Meyer? Shirtless Guttenberg, perhaps?
• Shannon Sharpe will sputter more sentence fragments than any other announcer out there.
• Matt Cassel won't start for Kansas City. Well, now they won't beat the Ravens. Try and note the sarcasm.
• Drew Brees will throw for 427 yds and 3 tds against the Lions. Yes his numbers will be down, cause he will sit out the fourth quarter.
• The Redskins and Giants will bore the ever-loving crap out of anyone watching. If you like running between the tackles, inconsistent passers, field position battles and pooch punts, you'll love Giants-Redskins!
• The Buccaneers will be the least relevant fantasy team. Seriously, if you're starting a Buc, you're probably in trouble.

Well, that concludes our first Sunday Morning Audibles of the season, enjoy the games!

WEEK ONE: WHERE'S KITNA?

You've waited and waited and it's here, it's finally here! The football season is practically upon us and with it your much anticipated, highly beloved, "Bitterness" weekly picks! Please, control your excitement, sit back, stop scouring the internet for the collector's edition DVD of "Inside Schwartz" and enjoy! (record in parentheses are our predicted records for the upcoming season)

TENNESSEE (10-6) @ PITTSBURGH (12-4): The Steelers title defense begins Thursday at the Ketchup Packet against the Titans. I don't anticipate this one being a high scoring affair. The Titans will miss "Phat" Albert Haynesworth, sure, but they should still be pretty tough defensively. That being said, I don't think they can "out Steeler" the Steelers in week 1. If this game took place in, say, week eight or nine, or in Tennessee, than maybe I'd give the Titans a better chance. Plus I just don't see Kerry Collins shredding the 'Burgh's "D", now, or ever. It'll be close, but the Champs will be the first team to one win. Steelers 24-17

DOLPHINS (6-10) @ FALCONS (11-5): A matchup of two of last year's surprise teams. As you can see from my predicted records, I feel one of these teams will come crashing back down to earth. The Dolphins will not build on last year's success, win the division, make the playoffs or even finish .500. And no, it's not just cause everyone has had time to prepare for the "Wildcat" (fun drinking game for the upcoming season, drink every time you here an announcer say "Wildcat"), but simply because the Dolphins just won't be as good. Not that the likes of Chad Pennington, Ronnie Brown, Greg Camarillo, Ted Ginn, Jr., and Anthony Fasano aren't an intimidating offense....The Falcons on the other hand are more of the real deal, I think. The addition of Tony Gonzalez, can only help Matty Ice, especially in the Red Zone. Seems like I'd pick the Falcons to blow the Dolphins right outta of the Georgia Dome, but it's week one, and that's where perceptions get blown to smithereens, sooooo.....I'll have the Dirty Birds escaping by the skin of their teeth. Falcons 21-20

CHIEVES (5-11) @ RAVENS (10-6): Everyone needs to just cool their jets on the whole Sand Cassel hypitty-hype, okay? In my mind, he's proven diddily-squat. Last year's numbers were a result of a GOOD "SYSTEM"! He now has a mediocre, at best, offensive line, a disgruntled Larry Johnson and Dwayne Bowe. Yes, THE Dwayne Bowe. Hardly the fixins for a Playoff gravy train, if you ask me. The Ravens, will be the Ravens. Yes Rex Ryan is gone, but the defense is still Top 5 and Ray Rice is gonna run silly. As in he will run for a lot of yards, not in a silly looking manner. Plus Joe Flacco "Seagulls" (thanks Bill), in theory, should only get better, especially with Todd Heap-ing Helping returning to form.
Ravens 24-13

EAGLES (10-6) @ PANTHERS (8-8): Hopes are high yet again in Philly, and that is somewhat warranted, but McNabb and Westbrook are old by NFL standards. They'll be competitive as usual, but don't go expecting a Super Bowl title or anything fancy like that. Meanwhile, don't sleep on the Panthers. I have them going 8-8, but anything can happen in that wacky NFC South. If Jakey D stays healthy the Panthers could, COULD, turn some heads. I really think they could be anywhere from 6-10 to 11-5. Panthers 27-21

BRONCOS (4-12) @ BENGALS (8-8): Watch out for the Bengals! Remember when the Bengals were the up and coming team of the future? That seemed to fade pretty fast, which means it's the perfect time for Cincy to sneak up on the rest of the league. The Broncos, however, will not be sneaking up anyone. Are they really ready to build an offense around Kyle Orton? But, Josh McD made "Sandy" Cassel look good in New England, so who knows, maybe he can make Orton, extra-Ortonary? And people make a lot out of the former Pats coaches, but what have they done? Mangini was run out of NY, Romeo Crennel did nothing in Cleveland, Charlie Weis helped guide Notre Dame to one of their worst seasons ever. Hardly a stellar selling point. I'll remain skeptical for now. Bengals 35-20

VIKINGS (11-5) @ BROWNS (3-13): Has anyone tarnished their legacy, more than Brett Favre? Remember the Vikes made the playoffs last year, with limited help from the quarterback position, so Favre makes them a borderline Super Bowl contender, now that opposing defenses will have to respect the pass, as well as the run. And they better be a contender, since Favre is a one and done, and they have pretty much insulted their other QBs. The Browns were, the "it" team heading into last season, but they ended up being more of a sh-, well you know. Can Mangenius turn this around? Not this year. Peterson runs wild! Vikings 23-9

JETS (7-9) @ TEXANS (9-7): The Texans should be a tough draw, week in and week out, for sure. Schaub, Slaton and Johnson make for a potent offense, while Ryans and Williams anchor what should be a pretty solid defense. The Jets should also have a stellar defense under Rex Ryan, but the quaterback situation is, well, not so great. Now, I'll try not to dirty Sanchez's reputation too early, but personally I'm not sold on the former Trojan man in any way, shape or form. Texans 28-14

JAGUARS (6-10) @ COLTS (11-5): Seems like not too long ago, this was a premiere AFC South slugfest, buuuuuuuuuut......The Jaguars have been heading in the wrong direction for quite some time now. Inconsisteny has been the main problem in Jacksonville, but they hope to have improved the team chemistry in the offseason to help with that. The Colts are, still the Colts, even with Jim Caldwell at the helm. Now, this is the game to get the Colts, I feel. That is why I am making this my week one UPSET SPECIAL! Jaguars 17-16

LIONS (3-13)@ SAINTS (11-5): Yes, I have more than likely, highly, overrated the Saints, but they are, I believe, very good. Drew Brees will take another whack at the passing yardage record, and the defense with Gregg Williams should be more than passable. Then there's the Lions. Ah, the Lions. The NFL's favorite punchline. The good news is the Lions should be better than last year. The bad news is, they'll still be bad, since it would be almost impossible to be worse than last year. But more good news for Matthew Stafford and Jim "Inside" Schwartz, as expectations are low, since they literally can't lose more games than last year's team. Sounds great. Saints 38-17

COWBOYS (11-5)@ BUCCANEERS (3-13): The 'Boys should be good, but not great, just like the last few years. No more T.O., no more Pacman, no more Q-bert. The only thing keeping Dallas from being serious contenders, in my mind, is Wade Phillips. Seems like a nice guy, but I don't think he's got the killer instinct to take them to the next level. I may have given the Bucs more wins thna they'll actually get. There's a good chance they'll be atrocious. But, the future is bright! Jon Gruden thinks Josh Freeman will be the "toast of Tampa" late in the season. Of course Jon Gruden also had me sold on Bruce Gradkowski , and, well, let's just say that didn't really pan out.......Cowboys 27-16

49ERS (4-12) @ ARIZONA (10-6): The Cardinals have high expectations after last year's Super Bowl trip, and should be able to avoid a let down this year. But a lot if that depends on Kurt Warner and if he can make it through another entire season. If he does they are once again a high-flying offense, with playoff aspirations. I'm not gonna sugar coat this, but The Niners don't have a lot of positives. But hey, if Michael Crabtree ever signs, he could provide a minor spark? I dunno, I tried San Franciscans. Cardinals 31-17

REDSKINS (6-10) @ GIANTS (11-5): This should be another exciting Redskins-Giants opener. The G-men should harass Jason Campbell and make him look even worse than he is, which is no easy task. Eli's overrated, but the defense and running game should help overshadow that in week one and, well, most of the season. Jason Campbell will have that luxury as well, but too a lesser extent. Giants 17-9

RAMS (1-15) @ SEAHAWKS (11-5): I'd call the Seahawks a sleeper pick, but I think plenty of people are aware of them, and hence, not sleeping on them. If Hasslebeck and his receivers manage to stay healthy, this is the team to beat in the NFC West. The Rams are gonna be at least as bad as last year. In all honesty I struggled to find them a win at this point, so it won't take much for them to surprise me. Seahawks 38-17

BEARS (10-6) @ PACKERS (12-4): I, among others, am high on the Packers, which means they will more than likely go 6-10 and not make the playoffs. But seriously, this is the year Aaron Rodgers makes Green Bay forget all about Brett Favre. Until the Packers play the Vikings in week four on Monday Night Football. The Bears are solid, but are the third best team in this division. And when did Jay Cutler become a savior? Has he ever proven himself? I'm not entirely sold on Jay-C as a clutch QB, but I'll guess we'll find out pretty quickly, how good he his, going to Lambeau on Sunday night, then hosting the Steelers in week two. Packers 20-12

BILLS (4-12) @ PATRIOTS (13-3): If Tom Brady goes down again, the Patriots could probably still win the AFC East this year. The Bills can really only surprise me from here. Their preseason was less than impressive, and they fired their OC days before the season starts. They have T.O., but can Trent Edwards keep him happy? More importantly can the Bills keep the fans happy? My guess is no, and this could be the beginning of the end for Dick Jauron, and the beginning of the beginning for Alex Van Pelt. Just give him a clipboard and let him create. Patriots 28-9

CHARGERS (11-5) @ RAIDERS (3-13): I do like that they give us two Monday night openers these days, but the drawback is the second game has to be in the Pacific time zone and too many times we get stuck with the Raiders. Now granted, a high profile matchup would only anger us East Coasters, cause we would want to stay up and watch it, so I guess it's lose-lose for ESPN. Maybe they should just go back to one game? I'm just saying, it doesn't do anyone anyone any good to add a game just for the sake of adding it. Does anyone think this will be a good game? Did anyone circle it on the schedule as a must watch? Did anyone notice how I avoided really talking about either of these teams in this blurb? Is blurb the right word for this? Do you care? Do I still have your attention? Do I still care at this point in the post? Chargers 31-10

And now my season predictions (asterisks indicate wild cards):
AFC East: Pats (13-3), Jets (7-9),'Phins (6-10), Bills (4-12)
AFC North: Steelers (13-3), *Ravens (11-5), Bengals (8-8), Browns (3-13)
AFC South: Colts (11-5), *Titans (10-6), Texans (9-7), Jags (6-10)
AFC West: Bolts (11-5), Chiefs (5-11), Broncos (4-12), Raiders (3-13)

NFC East: Giants (11-5), *Cowboys (11-5), Eagles (10-6), 'Skins (6-10)
NFC North: Pack (12-4), *Vikes (11-5), Bears (10-6), Lions (3-13)
NFC South: Saints (12-4), Falcons (10-6), Panthers (6-10), Bucs (3-13)
NFC West: Seahawks (11-5), Cardinals (10-6), 49ers (4-12), Rams (1-15)

AFC Championship: Chargers over Steelers
NFC Championship: Packers over Seahawks

Super Bowl: Packers over Chargers

If you're mad about any of my predictions, just remember my preseason picks, are rarely correct.

And now your cheese: