WEEK TWO: DELHOMME ON THE RANGE?

Sorry for the lateness of this weeks picks, but you'll get over it. In some ways week two is even harder to pick than week one. So many questions arise after week one. Will the Texans be this bad all year? Will "Fast" Willie Parker consistently get past the line of scrimmage? Is Jake Delhomme done being decentish? Are the Dolphins headed south? Is Dick Jauron eating? Is the rest of the AFC West catching up to the Chargers faster than we think? Well, we may or may not know the answers to these questions just yet, but we will soon enough. On with the picks!

TEXANS @ TITANS: Can't say I completely understand Chuck Cecil's defensive play calling towards the end of regulation and overtime against the Steelers, but "Chuck Wagon" will have a chance at redemption against the not-so-high-flying Texans in the Titan home opener. The Texans looked utterly baffled by the Jet 3-4 defense and Mark "Not so dirty" Sanchez in week one. Look for another rough week for Steve Slaton, against a very stingy Titan "D", while Chris Johnson and LenDale White run amok. Maybe this week Dunta Robinson can write "Throw it towards me Kerry" on his shoes, since his man will probably be open. Titans 24-17

RAIDERS @ CHIEFS: These two squads share quite a few similarities in this young season. 1) Play in the AFC West, 2) Coached by inexperienced head coaches 3) Predicted to suck, a lot, 4) Were double digit underdogs in week one, 4) Played a lot better than people expected in week one. Now if "Sandy" Cassel can start this week, it'll make some sort of difference, but the "Cable Guy", has got the "Silver and Black" fired up for the first time in like seven years. Plus Tom Cable, at certain angles, resembles Walter Sobchak. It's only a matter of time before an opposing team jumps offsides and he gives the refs an, "OVER THE LINE!" Raiders 27-24 (seems like a boring score until I tell you it's all field goals.)

PATRIOTS @ JETS: Rex Ryan's not going to be kissing any of the Patriots rings this week in the Meadowlands. Huh? Is that general practice? I get what you're saying Rex, but we need to work on your trash talk. Maybe you could have gone with something simple like, "We ain't scared of them." or "Bring it on." (Little known fact: Rex Ryan actually makes his team watch the cinematic classic "Bring it on" nights before games to fire them up. So far he's 1-0 using the uplifting Kirsten Dunst flick, so don't laugh.) Patriots 28-27

BENGALS @ PACKERS: A lot of people, myself included, thought this could be the year of the Bengal, until we checked our Chinese calendars and realized we were in fact wrong. Sure, it did take a miraculous, and extremely lucky, play by the Broncos to beat the Bengals last week, but seven points? SEVEN?! Carson Palmer was back. Maybe not at 100%, but he was back! He should have picked apart that porous Broncos secondary! That was a game the Bengals needed to have, what with a trip to Lambeau looming. Instead it looks like an 0-2 hole coming up for the 'Gals. Packers 30-20

PANTHERS @ FALCONS: Last year in the playoffs Jake Delhomme played one of the worst games a QB could play, until last week, when he upped the ante, playing even worse. Now, Panthers fans, I can understand your frustration, but remember, he did guide your favorite team to a 12-4 record and a playoff birth just last year. He has led them to a Super Bowl. And last week was the first week of the season. Sure that shouldn't be an excuse, but yet, inevitably players will come out and play terribly in opening games, year after year. Call it jitters, call it unreadiness (not a word), call it "Al", doesn't matter. I get it, he could have got a lot of cash for the clunkers he's thrown up there in the last two games. But they were separated by eight months. EIGHT MONTHS! I could understand if it happened in back-to-back weeks, but for now Panthers fans, Jerome Bettis, can we kindly just step away from the panic button, and see what happens? Give the guy a chance at redemption! After all he has given this storied franchise, it's the least you could do. Falcons 24-20

SAINTS @ EAGLES: Even if McNabb plays, Eagles fans can't possibly be sold on him being his usual self. The Eagles defense will keep them in the game, but in the end Drew Brees will just be too darned much for them. Saints 28-24

RAMS @ REDSKINS: Not even sure there's a bright side right now for Rams fans. Um, let's see. Oh, I got it, the Blues' season starts in less than two weeks! Although I guess if you're a Rams fan, the "blues" started some time ago. Zing! 'Skins 27-10

VIKINGS @ LIONS: The good news is the Lions seemed much improved from last year. The bad news is they're still bad. It'll be closer than you think, but when you have Adrian Peterson at your disposal, you tend to win close games. Vikings 21-17

CARDINALS @ JAGUARS: I don't buy into that whole,"west coast teams can't win in the eastern time zone" baloney sandwich they keep serving us. Isn't it possible they just aren't as good as the east coast teams they are playing? look at the five 2008, regular season, eastern time zone losses for the Cardinals- Redskins, Jets, Panthers, Eagles, Patriots. Of those five teams, only the Redskins had a worse record, but they were 8-8, exactly one game worse than the Cardinals. Plus, didn't the Cardinals win in Carolina in the playoffs? Having said that, I'm picking the Jaguars 24-23

BUCCANEERS @ BILLS: Is it just me or does Dick Jauron need to eat something? A couple of times they cut to his hollowed visage, I thought, “If you paint him Boo Berry Blue, he'd look like Skeletor.” Anyway, by the power of Jerry Gray's skull, the defense looked solid on Monday. The special teams, well.....no, I am not going to rehash what happened on Monday night. Bills fans don't need to here it. I'm not gonna bring up the fact they were riding the gravy train with biscuit wheels to victory against the dynastic Patriots. No, because I have class goddammit! Class enough to not mention that Leodis McKelvin should have taken a touchback late in the game or at the very least have just gone down, rather than fight for another unimportant yard, once out of the endzone. Bills fans don't need to be reminded of that or the fact that he fumbled, allowing the Butt Chinned One to need only 31 yards in under two minutes to take a lead they would never relinquish. No, I am not going to talk about any of that! I have too much respect for Bills fans (well the ones I know, at least) to do that to them. That's in the past, my friends, stop bringing it up already, jeez! Time to move on, the Bucs are coming to town, and that's good news Bills fans, because when I plugged the Bucs into my new "Create an Adjective Machine (CAM)” it gave me the word, abysmalistic! Bills 27-14

SEAHAWKS @ 49ERS: Uh-oh, a battle for first place in the NFC West! The Niners may prove all sorts of feisty this year, but in my humble opinion, with a healthy Hasselback, the Seahawks are once again the class of the NFC West. And yes, I have very little to say about either team. Seahawks 21-13.

BROWNS @ BRONCOS: Tough to say if there's a less watchable game this week. I submit that there is not! Yes, it's a battle of Belichik disciples, but that's hardly compelling. Surprised Mangini-us hasn't withheld who his starting QB will be, this week. Although it didn't seem the Vikings needed more than a couple of days to prepare for the Mighty Quinn, go figure? Anyone else think Mangini-us is over-thinking things a bit? I think this may actually be both the least watchable and the hardest to pick game of the week. Honestly, does anyone want to watch this? I thought not. I'm picking the Broncos, only because they're at home. Broncos 9-3

BEARS @ STEELERS: No Urlacher, no Polamalu, no worries! Yes both defenses will be without their lead actors, but they have a decent ensemble cast.. Even better than the ensemble cast of Soapdish! In any event, the QBs will take plenty of the match-up hype in this one. Something tells me the Bears might not lay down on defense if this one is close late, but Jay Cutler is up against more 3-4 shenanigans, which is Bad News Bears, Walter Matthau, for him! Steelers 22-13

RAVENS @ CHARGERS: The Bolts were not all that impressive against the simplistic Man-Safety Raiders defense thrown at them on Monday night. I know, it was a Man-Safety defense because Steve Young mentioned it 700 times in the first half. It's a rough estimate, I didn't actually count. You'd think the Ravens would offer up a slightly more complex defensive game plan, although Brodie Croyle and the Chieves made things a bit Jim J. Bullock, or too close for comfort, on Sunday. But the Ravens did provide us with another great moment in sports gambling history, inexplicably going for another touchdown, late, with the game seemingly in hand, to just beat out that 13-point spread. The Baltimore underworld thanks you Jon “don't call me Jim” Harbaugh. Ravens 28-24

GIANTS @ COWBOYS: Considering “Yugo” Williams and company ran all over the Boys in week one, Brandon Jacobs should have no trouble bowling over them in week two. I wonder if Romo or Eli, upon seeing intense coverage down field will try and hit the Jumbotron, to get a replayed down. Just want to see one of them hurt there arm, is that too much to ask? Ah well, Giants 27-21

COLTS @ DOLPHINS: The Colts juuuuuust edged out the Jags last week, but should have less trouble with the other Floridian squad. Meanwhile the 'Phins are looking to rebound from their week one loss in Hotlanta. I don't see it happening, not with Chad Pennington anyway. Colts 31-14

And here's your cheese: