ARE YOU PREPARED FOR A BIT OF FOOTBALL?

Ever get that feeling like something's missing in your life. Well, there is, or, to be more accurate there was. Yeah, there was no Bitterness is a Fish You Can Catch last week! That's why your lives felt so empty last week. Not to worry, though, after a brief hiatus, "Bitterness" is back and stupider than ever! Well, maybe not. That's a pretty big task, but I will do my best.

Saints (-3) at Panthers: Okay, sure the Saints have lost their last seven road games, and they've only covered once in those losses, but ya know what? Streaks are meant to be broken. I guess. I mean eventually they all end, right? Well, Justin Beiber's streak of being loathed by me may never end,

but I think you get my general point. And if the streak is gonna end, what better time than now? Coming off a Sunday night trouncing of the high octane (love that phrase) Green Bay Packers and heading to face Carolina who has lost their last two games after a thrilling tie in Cincinnati, the time seems right...right?

Carolina doesn't scare me, per se, but I feel like they always have a big game in them...somewhere, deep down in places you don't talk about at parties.


If you get Cam Newton of like three years ago, I'd sway towards the Panthers, but that is not what we've had in 2014. That Cam could appear at any time, but without that you are looking at a Panthers offense that is so mundane it makes Neils Bohr look like the life of the party!

Worst. Metaphor. Ever.


Look, for all of the intents and purposes at our disposal, the Saints are a better team. Does that mean they'll definitely win? Well, no, not necessarily, but I like the odds of it happening and, I am right with this more than I am wrong, albeit by a slim margin. Saints 27-17

 

WEEK SEVEN: THE WEEK THE BROWNS WERE FAVORED BY FIVE AND HALF

Recently Geico has started yet another commercial/advertisement campaign. Geico's advertising department is right now rivaling old school Bud Light, pumping out new campaign after new campaign. The mind-numbing, "shouldn't necessarily be funny, but is funny" campaign after campaign. Since 1999, Geico has had about 47 different campaigns. Okay, maybe it was like seven or eight or so, but it seems like 47. The new campaigns are coming out at a much more rapid pace than when Geico started pumping about 97% of their money into advertising. Insurance commercials are the new collect call commercials. Remember those? Collect calls or the commercials for them? You know there was 10-10-220, which had a plethora of superstar celebrities involved, like Alf and Hulk Hogan...together...in the SAME COMMERCIAL! 











They would compete against AT&T's 1-800-CALL-ATT with celebrity heavyweights of their own, like David Arquette or, well, Carrot Top.



1-800-COLLECT was no different, as the collect call wars waged on, inking such name celebrities as Al Bundy himself, Ed O'Neill and, naturally, Mr. T.







Clearly the gloves were off, with only the CALL-ATT campaign not employing someone who played a foe in one of the Rocky movies, although, word is Carrot Top could be in the next sequel, if Sly can stop making expendable, er Expendable movies. Anyways, much like the collect call companies (still weird to think about such things) at the beginning of this century, the insurance company ad wars have reached a critical mass.

The thing is, most of them are pretty entertaining. For the most part, they are absolutely killing it! But are those days fading? Geico has had the most different ad campaigns over the past 15 years when we were first introduced to the Geico Gecko. Now, while other commercial campaigns have come and gone, the Gecko has remained, but evolving in an, let's say intriguing, direction.

When the "Gecko" campaign started, it was this little lizard voiced by Kelsey Grammer, pleading for people to stop calling him to save money on insurance, as they were looking for Geico, not Gecko. Since then the Geico has shed that persona, become highly British, for whatever reason, and has sort of become the zen philosopher of the insurance "game"? There are still some nice moments for the Gecko, but I think we can all agree, he has lost his luster. The Gecko's time has come, his "15 minutes" as it were, are up.

Basically, the Gecko is the Derek Jeter of commercials, right now. He's certainly had a good run, has been beloved, and is a sure fire lock for the commercial Hall of Fame. But right now, he is not helping his team. It is time for the Gecko to make his retirement tour. Although I am very much against the retirement tour in general, you get my point. In fact I just set up a new ad campaign for Geico...the retirement tour. You're welcome. Well, now that I got that off my chest, onto the picks.  

Here's the breakdown so far this season, through six weeks

Week one: 8-7
Week two: 6-10
Week three: 9-7
Week four: 8-4-1
Week five: 6-7
Week six: 8-6-1
Season: 45-41-2

Not terrible, I suppose, but at least I have been right more than wrong in three of the past four weeks, right? Well, onto this week.

Bengals (+3) at Colts: It's really hard and, you might say, idiotic to bet against Andrew Luck right now, right? The Colts have won four straight games, are at home and are going against a Bengals team that followed up a humiliating primetime loss to the Pats in Foxboro, by tying, yes tying the Panthers. Oh and A.J. Green will miss another game. Colts 35-28
 
Titans (+6) at Redskins: The only team the 'Skins have triumphed over, this season is the 0-6 Jaguars. The only win the Titans have over the past five weeks is against, well, the 0-6 Jaguars. Redskins pounded the Jaguars, the Titans barely squeaked by the Jaguars. I think we can all see the transitive property at work here, Redskins 20-13
 
Dolphins (+3) at Bears: The Bears have yet to win at home, this season, albeit the two game sample size is miniscule. Unlike the Bears, the Dolphins played the Packers tight, but, ya know what, I still like the Bears in this one. Bears 21-17

Browns (-5.5) at Jaguars: There's something a bit unsettling about the Browns being favored, especially by this much. It has been fifteen years since the Browns have been favored by this much. Kids born the last time they were favored by this much are going to be learning to drive soon. Jags have looked somewhat improved and almost pulled out the victory last week against the Titans. This could be where the Jags get in the win column. Jaguars 21-20
 
Seahawks (-6.5) at Rams: Seahawks are looking to bounce back after a home loss, yeah, home loss, against the Cowboys. That's fuel enough to rout the Rams. Seahawks 24-7
 
Panthers (+6.5) at Packers: The Pack just don't feel dominant right now and the Panthers have been one of the better teams against the spread in 2014, especially as underdogs. Packers 24-20
 
Falcons (+6.5) at Ravens:  Both teams shredded the Buccaneers, but that's where the similarities end. The Falcons have yet to win or cover on the road and while I am not completely on board with the Ravens being good, I think they take this one. Ravens 31-17

Vikings (+6.5) at Bills: The Bills should pressure and befuddle Teddy Bridgewater all day. Bills 20-9

Saints (+2.5) at Lions: The Lions defense is good. The Lions defense does not give up many points. The Saints have struggled. The Saints have struggled on the road. Lions 20-13
 
Chiefs (+4) at Chargers: The Chargers have been rolling, although they struggled a bit last week to hold off the Raiders. This looks like a trap game, though, with the Broncos looming next on the schedule. Plus the Chiefs are coming off a bye week, and Andy Reid teams are generally good after the week off. Still I have to go with the better team right now. Chargers 28-20
 
Giants (+6.5) at Cowboys: Eli Manning actually plays pretty well in Dallas, for whatever reason, and this could be a classic upset after Dallas beats the defending Super Bowl champs. Giants 31-24
 
Cardinals (-3.5) at Raiders: The Raiders showed a bit of feistiness last week against the Chargers, but I still think the Cards are better, now that they have Palmer back in the pocket. Cardinals 31-21

49ers (+6.5) at Broncos: Both teams are really starting to hit their strides, so this should be a close one, but gotta go with the home team in this one. Broncos 21-17
 
Texans (+3) at Steelers: In a game that provides little interest outside of fantasy numbers and betting lines, the Steelers are still terrible. Texans 23-13