Tuesday, September 21, 2004

An Atkins-unfriendly Weekend!

The waiting was over. The time had come. The pterydactyl bellowed. And with a quick, "Yabba-dabba- doo!" I was down the brontosaurus' tail and the Weekend Of Will was underway!A quick call to my party liason, William Herbert Shannon, and the wheels were in motion for a wet and wild weekend! First stop, some 9-5 businessman's bar downtown where I would meet Billy and his better half Kathy, more prominently known as Rage KJ (that's pronounced cage), for a couple of cold ones and some lightehearted laughs. Then it was off to heaven on earth, no, not Billy's lap, but the Change of Pace sports bar. If you've never been, then what in the sam hill is the matter with you!!!! They have good beer, great food, and a delightfully homey atmosphere. Not homey in the hip-hop or the Damon Wayans character from In Living Color way, but in that they make you feel at home. (Note: One of the best cooks in the biz no longer graces their kitchen with his prescence, but the food is still scrum-diddily-umptious!) But I digress. Bill, Rage and myself find Toastie's friend CJ (sure I'd met him several times and couldn't remember his name, but I did recognize him, and that should count for something, right?) at the bar, and we start enjoying some liquid bread (that's beer for those of you not too quick on the uptake.) The game started and it didn't take long for the bitter juices to start flowing. The entrance of our friend the Mad Costa Rica, Leandro, donning a Yankees jacket and cap, didn't not help matters. I tried to take him down a peg by mentioning that this ain't Paraguay, and there's no barter system, so he'd better not count on buying a beer with livestock or his native country's staple crop. After this mix of bitterness and stupidity, we proceeded to watch the game, which was then delayed by rain, no big deal, it happens. But, BUT, what made the bitter barometer (it's pronounced thermometer) shoot up a few levels, was the fact that NBC decided it would show Third Watch in it's entirety, regardless of whether or not the game resumed. Wait a sec, hold the phone.....in it's entirety. WILL'S GETTIN UPSET! This was about the same time that the lil' lightbulb above Billy's head lit up, and he and Rage ordered pizza and wings to appease the bitter beast that was me. And let's just say, mission accomplished! The game would resume (we missed about an inning and a half due to them turing to Heidi, I mean Third Watch), we ate drank, exchanged a few laughs, and the Sox defeated the Yanks, although Toastie and myself were the only ones around still drinking by the games finish. I went home knowing the world was right, I was drunk and the Red Sox were only 2 1/2 back of the hated Yankees. Oh how quickly emotions can change.
Saturday started, as it should, with me still drunk and watching ABC Kids. They really do have some quality programming on that network. Well as the Red-Sox game was about to start I was sort of sobered up, but was still in my, ever so comfy, pajama pants. They're plaid for those of you scoring at home. Well, as the game started the Red Sox looked like the Red Sox of yore, the Sox I've come to know and love, shooting themselves in the foot and making their fans want to shoot themselves in the head. With the score: a lot to a little in the second inning, my saving grace arrived in the form of a phone call from my good friend Wreckin Ball. She was ready to go to the Change of Pace and drink, and with the score as it was, I was on the same page. On a side note, I don't think it's possible to be a straight edge Red Sox fan. You just need something to take the edge off. On the bright side I did get to see the Orangemen, I mean the Orange (sorry if I offended any Orange-Americans), beat the Mighty Bearcats from Cincinnati. Well after a couple of pitchers of beer, I decided it was time for a nap. Don't worry I went home first, I didn't just pass out at the bar. Although it wouldn't be the first time. The plans for later would include bowling and beer, with a side of karaoke at good 'ol Astro Lanes, with Wreckin Ball and B-Rad. (Hours elapse). So while waiting for Wreckin Ball to use the ATM, I spot some sweetie $.99 authentic plastic shades. They would be mine, oh yes, they would be mine. So with my new shades in hand, it was off to Astro, where we were shocked to find, dun, dun, duh....there was no open bowling that evening. I was none to pleased, so I stormed right outta there, after finishing 2 or 3 beers first of course. We needed to regroup. Wreckin Ball was hungry, I was sober, there was only one solution. You guessed it! Say it with me now, "Change of Pace". We arrived, ordered a pitcher of beer, a chicken wing pizza and some wings. Now, whilst we were sitting enjoying our beers, waiting for our food, some drunk Eminem wanna-be strolled up to our table, talking on his cell phone. He proceeded to inquire about the kitchen, what kind of food we had and even started telling us what he wanted, to which Wreckin Ball replied, "You can order at the bar." Upset, he replied, "Oh, so that's how it's gonna be!" and gangsta-walked away. At the bar he told everyone, "That girl back there (Wreckin Ball) played me, yo." The patrons at the bar, having forgotten their Hip-Hop to English dictionaries, were confused. He proceeded to order two dozen wings and a dozen chinken fingers (which are each bigger than your hand) and a shot of Sambuka, to go. Well, the shot was for there. Anyways the rest of the evening was fairly uneventful, we drank, ate, laughed, made fun of people and were on our way. But not before I snagged a to-go box for the last two slices of pizza (you just don't waste that.)
I awoke Sunday, with only two things on my mind, Chicken Wing Pizza and football. So I went to the fridge and grabbed the leftover pizza, while also realizing it was time to change the box of baking powder, or is it baking soda? I dunno you'll have to ask Billy. Speaking of Billy, he and I were set for a long day of drinking and watching football. We headed to Pat's Sports Pub, the definition of a hole in the wall drinking venue if ever there were one, where we would proceed to try and watch seven games at the same time. Our bartender's name was Jen and she dug us, I could tell. Let me tell you, if Bill weren't involved and I didn't repel women with the greatest of ease, we could've had her. Of those last two statements, the only truth is that the bartender's name was Jen. But she did like my sunglasses (the aforementioned $.99 pick-up from the night before). It was a good time had by all! I had to leave at about 7pm for a work function, where there would be free wings, mozzarella stix (why do they spell it with an 'x'?) and bowling. Nothing too eventful there, except I lost part of my buzz and pulled a muscle, so it was off to the Change of Pace one more time to meet Billy and watch the Bengals defeat those bastard Dolphins (pardon my French) without Kitna. So, in summary the first Weekend Of Will was a success and contrary to popular belief and modern science, I survived. Thanks to all who participated. Goodnight and godspeed!

Thursday, September 16, 2004

I've been wearing the same underwear for four days.

Today I made an inadvertant discovery before getting to my blog post. No, it wasn't the undwear thing, that was very vertant (I don't think that's a word, but anyways)! Each day before I check my blog for comments or go to post a new one, I like to see if my chums have made any new comments on their respective blogs, so after checking poor Jitter's underblog, and having a hearty laugh of Billy's blog ( a nice lil' recap of our exploits in the Midwest), I attempted to go to Toastie's blog, I missed a letter on the key board and ended up here. Was this some sort of sign from above? Is Toastie somehow linked to this mysterious website 'o' da lord? Is that why he almost drove us into a ditch screaming, "One Way JESUS!" en route to a New Jersey Giants game, a few years back? Was this the reason he know longer came to our pagan ritual sacrifices of virgins? Or, maybe it was sheer coincidence and means nothing. But I say this to you Toastie, "Your move holy man!"
Well now that, that's off my chest, I will move on to more senseless rambling, which I'm known so well for. It's now about 34 hours until the start of Weekend Of Will, and may be the last time you hear from be for awhile, maybe even forever, depending on how the weekend plays out. So without further ado (drum roll please)... here's my prediction for Week 2 in the NFL:

Marvin Lewis can't take the losing any more, he looks down the sideline and makes eye contact with the rugged and yet not very handsome Jon Kitna, and utters two words, "it's time". On national television, Kitna runs out to the huddle, pats Carson Palmer on the back and says, "I got this one Heisman." Kitna proceeds to carve up the once highly overrated Miami Dolphins secondary, carrying the Bengals to victory, much to the dismay of Dolphins fans who are still wondering why Shula won't bring Marino in to the game!

The Giants will fall to the Redskins (hey, how come they're allowed to be the Redskins, but Syracuse can't be the Orangemen?) Shockey call Joe Gibbs gay, LaVar Arrington will disenvite Shockey to his chess room, when they meet in Washington. Quote of the week as heard on Dan Patrick in regards to Tom Coughlin fining several players for being early to team meetings, " Pretty soon they're gonna stop playing for him." My question is when did they start playing for him?

The Patriots will dominate the Kingdom of the Mighty Cardinal (insert Javen's high-pitched bird squeal, it's glorious trust me.)

The Bills will win a shootout in Oakland 45-42, Alex Van Pelt will be up in the booth screaming incoherently.

I will be covered in wing sauce and drunk as a skunk throughout.

Enjoy and remember to control the pet population and have you're pets spayed and neutered.

Tuesday, September 14, 2004

I Declare This....The Weekend of Will!!

Well I know all of my faithful readers were eagerly awaiting my next blog, so I put on some pants and headed to the library and here I am! First things first, the first weekend of the NFL Season has come and gone, as have quite a few Change of Pace wings and alcoholic beverages. Unfortunately I missed most of the pigskin action due to "The Man" keeping me down and making me work on God's day! But I did happen to catch a good amount of the Chiefs-Broncos and Packers-Panthers games, and did so while eating scrumptious chicken wings and drinking some refreshing beer, mmmm beer. Anyways, here's how my week 1 predictions turned out:

The Bengals did not win, and I think we all know why! Kitna remained on the sidelines helpless, biding his time as Carson Palmer proceeded to lead the Bengals to defeat at the hands of the New Jersey Jets. Cincy plays game #2 without Kitna at the helm, in front of a national television audience on ESPN, Sunday Night! If only poor JK had Change of Pace Wings and beer to ease the pain, like I will. "Sweep the leg Jonny!"
Moving on, my good friend Toastie did not show up at Change of Pace on Sunday, for whatever reason ( it's okay to admit the Giants loss makes you want to be alone and listen to....Air Supply.)
Okay I don't even remember my other predictions and I'm not looking at my previous blog to check. If you really want to know you can ask me personally.

The big news is in Week two, which will directly coincide with the Weekend Of Will or W.O.W. for short. I will be out of work on Friday at 5pm, and won't have to work again until Monday! Some quick math for you non-math majors, that's two whole days off. Two days of debauchery. Two days with nothing to do but watch sports and tv, whilst envibing more than my fair share of alcoholic beverages. Not only will I get to watch all three Red-Sox wins, I mean games, against the Yankees, I will also be able to watch my alma mater, Syracuse University, take on the Mighty, Mighty Bearcats, not of Binghamton, but of Cincinnati, and my beloved World Champion New England Patriots battle the Arizona Cardinals and whoever it is that starts at Quarterback for them. " I'm busting Jerry, I'm busting!" Also my fantasy football team, the Boise Thrill will have it's first game of the season against Chuckarama, or as I like to call them, CHUMP-arama. See what I did was replace Chuck, with Chump. Now I don't have an exact itinerary in mind because I like to fly by the seat of my pants (except when I wear chaps, it gets very drafty.), but let's just say I know a little bar on Grant Boulevard that should be stocked up on PBR, wings and BLTs!! My prediction..............PAIN!!

Friday, September 10, 2004

Chili Cheese Blog

Last night was glorious!!! The tension mounted. What was going to happen? The waiting was killing me, and then it happened......I decided to go with the 1/2-rib platter, with a side of AKC Chili and baked beans. And boy let me tell you, it was delectible! Plus I got to share this with a special someone, let's just call him, "Phil Cannon". Lights were low, expectations high, it was a little slice of heaven. Oh yeah and there was football on too. Last you heard, I made it abundantly clear how little I know about the NFL, and now I will only do more to prove this point, as I break out my Week 1 predictions:

My lock of the week is, drum roll please...... the Patriots, who'll edge out Jack Trudeau and the Colts, by a Viniatieri

The Bengals will struggle and struggle mightily with Carson Palmer at the helm, trailing 27-3(in NFL films voice): .....when a hard-nosed Jon Kitna puts the Bengals on his back and proceeds to pick apart the Jet secondary. With poise and precision Kitna leads the Bengals to an overtime victory 33-27, causing much rejoice in the queen city.........

Tiki Barber fumbles in the red zone, Kurt Warner receives a new concussion, Eli Manning is booed as he is picked off by Lito Shepard, who returns the inner to the house, Eagles celebrate as Jeremy Shockey taunts a 7-year old Eagles fan sitting with his dad, who just happens to resemble Vai Sikahema! Finish your beer for the mention of Shockey's name, when he's not even playing.

I will drink so much beer and eat so much red meat that words will not be able to describe how I feel on Monday

My good friend Casey, who will for all other blogs be addressed by the name Toastie, will not show up at the Change of Pace, but rather sit home and drink away his sorrows after the Giants lose.

I'll be dead to Danny B.

There will be many a homo-erotic innuendo.

My good pal Javen will be drunk and yelling about how much he hates that dink and dunk s*&t, throwing an occassional, "Why are you so bitter" in my general direction.

Enjoy the games!


Thursday, September 09, 2004

I Know Nothing About the NFL!

Glad you made it, welcome to my blog. Who's your daddy? I'm your daddy now. If you don't what song I'm paraphrasing from, then you probably don't know me at all, of course there's the off chance that even if you do know where that is from, you still don't know me at all. And then there's some who don't know where it's from, but still know me fairly well. Phew! Either way, the show must go on!
As I went to rank professional football players for my upcoming Fantasy Football Team-The Boise Thrill, perhaps you haven't heard of them-I realized how little I know about what's going on in the NFL. For instance did you know there's a team in Tennessee now? And apparently the Browns took a few years off, I didn't know you could do that? So here are few questions that I hope to find answ,ers to this NFL season:

1. Who is the Arizona Cardinals starting quarterback? I honestly don't know! But, I figure as long as Joe Bugel is the head coach, the sky's the limit in 'Zona!
2. Will anyone be able to stop Barry Sanders and the Lions? I figure with these kids Harrington and Rogers they should dominate the NFC Central!
3. Why don't the Bengals realize how good, nay, great Jon Kitna is? He almost led them to the playoffs last year, and in Cincy that's about the best you can hope for, right? And isn't Kitna really just a synonym for MVP? Just give him the ball and let him create, people!
4. Why do people insist on praising David Akers so much? He's like the most overrated kicker going! You heard me Phelps!
5. Does my good compatriate Toastie even know the name of the New Jersey football Giants' (They play two feet away from where the Nets and Devils play, it ain't New York!) new placekicker? No Toastie, it's not Doug Christie, try again.
6. Why is there so much negativity in Buffalo? It stinks! Pete Metzalaars is not walking through that door people. That and Pete has a tough name to spell (Metzalaars isn't in spellcheck).
NOTE: This was just put in for my friendly Bills fans, Bojangles, Beach Justice and Herb Deluxe, or as they are better known- The Orchard Park Trio. Actually know one calls them that, but maybe it'll catch on. I hold no ill will towards the Bills or their fans, and think Buffalo is a wonderful city! They created Buffalo Wing for cryin' out loud! Buffalo that is, not the Orchard Park Trio.
7. How many chicken wings will I eat during the NFL Season (including postseason)?
8. Will anyone take down Westside Green?!
9. Is Vinnie Testaverde the answer in Dallas?
10. Has Vinnie Testaverde been the answer anywhere? No sympathy Vinnie, no sympathy!
11. How much do I hate the Dolphins? Oh wait, I already know this one, almost as much as I hate the New York baseball Yankees! (I guess putting the sport in front of the team doesn't work all the time.)

Wow, lots of questions to be answered! Well here are some of my predictions for the 2004-2005 season:
Division finishes:
AFC EAST- Colts, Patriots, Bills, Jets, Dolphins-despite them having Lamar Gordon)
AFC CENTRAL-Oilers, Bengals, Steelers, Browns
AFC WEST-Chiefs, Seahawks, Broncos, Chargers, Raiders
NFC EAST- Eagles, Cowboys, Redskins, Giants, Cardinals- thank god for the Cardinals, eh Giants fans!
NFC CENTRAL-Packers, Lions, Vikings, Buccaneers, Bears
NFC WEST- Rams, Saints, 49ers, Falcons

AFC CHAMPION-Colts
NFC CHAMPION-Eagles

SUPER BOWL CHAMPS- Eagles
This ones for Heath Sherman, plus isnt Terrell Owens overdue anyways?

AFC MVP-Jon Kitna
NFC MVP-Kleinsasser