Who's Wearing Old Spice?

And cue one of Toastie's riotous laughing fits at his favorite quote from the Man Who Knew Too Little. No, no, not me, it's a mooovie, with Bill Murray. One, which I recently bought on DVD and I happen to know Javen owns on VHS. Kids, VHS is how we watched movies before DVD! It's also the only way to buy Teen Wolf. Literally. I think anyways. What was I talking about? Oh, right, nothing in particular. Oh, I know DVDs. I've been buying them like crazy of late! Some of them are so cheap it's great! Over this past week I bought The Dream Team (which Danny owns on VHS) and Mr. Mom, as well. Micheal Keaton was a comedic genius, what happened? And did anyone, besides Bill probably, know his birth name is Micheal Douglas? He had to change it because the SAG (Screen Actors Guild for those not in the know) doesn't allow two of the same name or something like that? He picked the name Keaton because of Buster Keaton. And that concludes today's edition of Micheal Keaton trivia. Anyways, I'm sort of bummed because I can't seem to find Gung-Ho to complete the brilliant Micheal Keaton 80s gift pack. All three of these movies are just pure genius, I don't care what anyone says.

As you can see I have nothing to really talk about, but just felt like typing. But seriously, if anyone has any knowledge as to where and when I could pick up Gung-Ho on DVD, let me know ASAP! I mean besides Keaton, it's got George Wendt-Cheers'-Norm, The Donger from Sixteen Candles and some black guy who gets hit in the nether regions buy a lady's shopping cart, which leads to this exchange:
Lady: Oh, my eggs!
Black Guy: Your eggs?!

Guess you have to see it for yourself.
Alright, in the next issue we'll learn more about Steve Guttenburg

And remember, "trying is the first step on the path to failure."

Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you.

I hate to say I told you so, but the Eagles and Patriots are in the Super Bowl, so I told you so! Oh sure, you might say, gee way to go out on a limb and pick the favorites. Well that's why they were favored, duh! Anyways, I had the pleasure of watching both Championship Games at Billy's with the Rage KJ and Toastie. And on this fateful Sunday it so happened that I drank the beer and the beer drank me. Allow me to elaborate. At halftime of the Eagles-Falcons game, Toastie and I headed to the local market, the local super-market, for some snacks and such. I said it then, and I'll say it again, "It's not a good idea to go to the supermarket drunk and hungry." With the only real things on our mental shopping list being a big bag of Peanut M&Ms and French Onion Dip (not to be combined together.) we were in trouble. It did not take long for Toastie and I to pick up the first thing, cookies. They were the bakery cookies (Chocolate Chip and M&M) and they were in plastic containers, 2 for $5, how could we go wrong, well, ask Bill, he'll tell ya. As we wandered aimlessly through the store trying to find the god forsaken candy aisle (which by the way is an odd name for an aisle in a store, I thought) we proceeded to Mc-Nabb (fancy play) the essentials: Snyder's Cheddar Cheese Pretzel Pieces, Cheddar and Sour Cream Potato Chips, Wavy Lays, a block of Cheese, Cheddar Triscuits, Townhouse Crackers, another kind of cracker, that may or may not have been Ritz, Snack Packs (which I left at Bill's, dang-it!), the French Onion Dip, of course, can't forget the M&Ms, and obviously the 2-foot long pepperoni stick (which Toastie sliced up beautifully, by the way.). Thirty-five dollars well spent, I say. That is until the next day when all these things really take effect. Anyway, we eat, drink beers, watch the Eagles game and break out a little 80s Trivia Game, which came to the Shannon-Russell house via the wonder that is Christmas! At this point everything's going along swimmingly. Then:

It seems that at some point between the last quarter of the Eagles game and the second quarter of the Patriots game I blew a gasket or something. There was some sort of brain malfunction, causing me to, for the rest of the evening, have no real idea what I was saying, at all. I think some of the beer may have hit my wire of reason and sensibility. This is a very important wire as it is what tries and keeps the BOW (Bitterness O' Willie) in check. So, believe me it works overtime. But on this night, it just shut down completely and it was like I had some sort of terets, RAT FARTS!, or something. Now, sure I'm bitter and to be honest, the alcoholism helps, but usually I have some reason (in my head anyways) for being bitter. The Eagles won, the Patriots were en route to their third Super Bowl in 4 years and I had beer and many cheese-flavored items, including the cheese-flavored "CHEEEEEEESE!" I should have been on Cloud 10! That's right even higher than Cloud 9. And as I told Bill yesterday, after apologizing of course, I got home and literally asked myself, "What the F**K was I talking about?!!!" You can also tell that this BOW explosion was unwarranted and over the top because I apologized for it!! I never do that because most of the time I think I'm in the right and making valid arguments (which actually happens maybe 30-35% of the time. that I'm right, that is.). But this time, I have no clue what happened.

So, that is how I spent my Sunday and I would once again like to apologize to Rage KJ, Billy-ball, The Toastmaster General (because he's not only the Toastmaster, but also a general), Madison, Charlie, Niner, the delicious Snack Packs whom I ignored and abandoned, my innards (which felt it the next day), my family, the City of Pittsburgh and God.

And Congratulations to the Eagles and the Patriots!!!

Wrecked 'em! Damn near killed 'em!!

PLAYOFFS?????!!!!!

That's right Jim Mora it's the NFL Playoffs, where your son will be coaching the Atlanta Falcons in Philadelphia! This week we find out who will go to the Super Bowl in Jacksonville. I'd like to take a quick moment to express my disappointment in the choice of Super Bowl city. I mean Jacksonville, really? I still think they should put Super Bowls out of doors in cold weather cities. Oh know it's too cold for the fans and entertainers. Oh, boo-hoo!! Suck it up, that's how football is supposed to be played!

Speaking of cold weather, that brings me to the AFC and NFC Championship Games on Sunday. I, for one, cannot wait! Both games are in outdoors, in cold weather climates, with slight chances of snow. Oh it's so glorious!!! I'll be so drunk and belligerent by the time the AFC game rolls around, it'll be great! So here's some notes on Championship Weekend:

This may or may not be the first time both Championship games have been in Pennsylvannia. And it may or may not be the first time they've been played in the same state. True statements.

The Patriots have never lost an AFC Championship game. (They did lose an AFL Championship game though)
Bill Belichik is 7-0 in the playoffs with the Patriots.

Mark my words, there will be an African-American quarterback in the Super Bowl!

How dominant would the Panthers have been if they had Rae Carruth?

The team with more points usually wins.

Now my predictions:
To pick the winners you just need to break it down scientifically by the cities:
Philly vs. Atlanta
Beer of choice: Yuengling-America's oldest Brewery vs. I dunno, moonshine run across the border by dem crazy Duke boys? Advantage: Eagles, by a hair.

Food: Philly Cheesesteaks vs. Grits??? Advantage: Eagles

Nicknames: The City of Brotherly Love (yeah right! they booed Santa for Pete's sake!) vs. Hotlanta. Advantage: Falcons

QBs commercials: Chunky Soup w/ Ms. McNabb vs. Nike and The Micheal Vick experience
Advantage: Push

So it's clear to see why the Eagles will win this game 23-10

Pittsburgh vs. New England
Beer: Iron City Beer vs. Samuel Adams. Advantage: Too close to call.

Foods: Heinz pickles, ketchups and other condiments on a Roethils-burger vs. New England Clam Chowdah! Advantage: Patriots (only because I've never had a Roethilsberger)

Stadium Name: Heinz Field (named for delicious condiments) vs. Gillette Stadium (named for the razor company who's World Headquarters are located in Massachusetts) Advantage: Steelers

Team Colors: Black and Yellow vs. Red, White and Blue. Advantage: Patriots

Super Bowl wins this century: Steelers-0, Patriots-2, Advantage: Patriots

So as you can see the Patriots will win this game 27-21.

Enjoy the games and remember these picks were made absolutely, positively, impartially!
Have a good weekend. So have a Bruschi at your favorite watering hole or at home and warm up with some Chunky Soup or New England Clam Chowder and enjoy the games!

Go Patriots and Eagles!!!
Happiness is just a Flaming Moe away!

Sweet Odin's Raven!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!! It's been awhile, but a lot of new shit has come to light my friends. It's a fresh new year of bitterness and I'm rarin' and ready to go for all you members of Bitterness is a Fish You Can Catch Nation. That is, if you consider 10 people a nation, okay six people. Wait, do I count? Anyways, moving on. A lot has happened over the past several weeks, some of it even in my life, so here is a quick recap to get every one caught up. Some of the names may have been changed to protect the innocent.

December 24, 2004:
My current employer Christmas Vacationed me and my Christmas bonus check, the same check that would be paying for me to go home, does not arrive on Thursday or Friday for that matter. Luckily, I have wonderful friends in life and was able to borrow some money and was able to make it home for X-Mas.

December 25, 2004 -Feliz Navidad! It was the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny Fuckin' Kaye.

It was on this day, the day we celebrate the birth of Santa Claus, being born in the North Pole, all the reindeer bringing gifts like gold, frankenstein, amd myrrh, (whatever that is? and however you may spell it?) that I received the gift that will keep on giving, to Bitterness is a Fish You Can Catch Nation, all year round. I received a laptop, which will allow for at least three times as many blog entries for all my endearing fans. (Once I settle my dispute with Time Warner Cable. They seem to think I should pay for cable and internet every month. I mean the nerve of some people, right?!)

December 26, 2004- Kwanzaa, Boxing Day and Hijinx!
Jitter, Javen, MacGuyver Chuck, doorprizes, adult beverages, and of course ,...chicken wings at the Change of Pace ( the gift the keep's on giving all the next day long! Toastie you know!)

December 28, 2004- It's a Kwanzaa miracle!!
Our basketball team, The Change O' Pacers actually one a legit game!!! Don't not adjust your monitors it's true, it happened, I was there. And Toastie even made his first free throw of the season, giving us a five point lead with 2 seconds remaining. Uncle Jitter come and claim your chicken wing pizza! Oh yeah, and the best part of this story it was against my arch nemesis, Chadwick's !! Our own Josh Pace, Bill, will let you know why.

And then, just like that it was 2005!!!!!!!!!!

The Change O' Pacers need but to win against the Syracuse Firefighters in three weeks and we are in the PLAYOFFS???!!! This of course, is if the Firefighters don't win before that match-up!
I talked with our Small Guard (not big enough to be a small forward not a good enough shooter to be a shooting guard) Toastie, about the playoffs, here's what he had to offer:

"WE JUST GOTTA TAKE IT ONE GAME AT A TIME! WE'RE GONNA GIVE 110%! WE JUST GOTTA FOCUS ON OUR GAME AND NOT WORRY ABOUT WHAT THE SFD'S DOIN!" (This is written in CAPS because he had to yell because of all the ruckus after our victory.

Anyways, now on to more pressing matters in Willie Moe's World... The NFL Playoffs! The Championship Games are almost upon us, and Peyton Manning now has plenty of time to check on his fantasy insurance adjusters league. This weekend I'll have my Roethils-burger smothered in turf, with a side of mud as the Patriots show him what's up. Too bad for the Steelers, Adam Viniatieri can make kicks. Unlike that overrated David Akers (never trust a left-footed kicker!) . That's right Phelps, it better not come down to Akers, because I ain't leaving the room when he kicks. I predict an Eagles-Patriots Super Bowl, though, despite David Akers! And for the Super Bowl I predict lots of beer drinking, eating and a lot of me and Phelps getting loud, bitter and animated!

And finally if you haven't seen Dodgeball or Anchorman, get on it!!!
OK, stay classy......Planet Earth!