WEEK 13: ONE IF BY LAND, TWO IF BY KITNA

Well an 8-8 week 12 has me mired in third place. Yes both the Sports Guy and Mr. Monday Morning Quarterback, Peter King managed to go 12-4, making me look like a horse's patoot! Anyways here are the current standings:

MMQB: 86-90
Sports Guy: 84-92
Bitterness: 80-96

Well here's thoughts before I introduce this week's guest blogger:

--Remember a short time ago, let's call it last season, when everyone was so impressed that Mike Vanderjagt-ass was the most efficient placekicker of all time, even though he was not nearly as awesome as Al Del Greco"-Roman wrestling"? In ESPN the magazine they had some stats saying how he was just as clutch as Adam Viniatieri. Well now Mike Vanderjagt-ass is out of a job. Yes the Cowboys released him folks! Apparently they want to be more Grammatica-ly correct. Now I'm sure this won't be the last we'll see of Vanderjagt-ass, but it is still so pleasing.

-- Recently Time Warner has had commercials adverstising thta you can watch the NFL on it's cables. When I saw the beginning of this advertisement I thought, perhaps, they were offering the NFL Network. Much to my chagrin, it was mostly highlighting that you get them in HD. Okay Time Warner, I hate to break it to you, but all I need to get the NFL is an antennae. So unless you are offering me either the NFL Network or an HDTV to go with my cable, shut up-a your face!

-- Is there parity in the NFC or do all the teams just suck? I vote for the latter. Must feel good in Green Bay, Washington and Tampa Bay that despite the season long ineptitude that they are still in the playoff hunt. I mean, odds are none of these teams will make the playoffs, but the 'Skins and Pack are just two games out and if the Giants lose against the 'Boys next week, they could conceivably be a game out.

-- College Hoops are under way and I couldn't be happier! Despite some sloppy play, Syracuse is undefeated and Paul Harris has looked awesome! I can't wait until they play the Shockers. It'll be a good early season test. I also like Marquette's chances, watch out for them! and of course there's the rest of the MVC and this could be the final stages of rebuilding for the UMASS Minutemen. It's all wondrous. Drink it in!

Alright so, now, here is a look at Week 13 with a special guest blogger, of course with my picks inserted in. He's an SNL Alum, has had his own show on HBO and was also an announcer for MNF. That's right this week's guest blogger is none other than Dennis Miller! Take it away Dennis:

Thanks Will! The playoffs are closing in like Boris Yeltsin on a bottle of Smirnoff. And the NFC plyoff picture is more open than a 7-11. So here's a look at week 13:

RAVENS @ BENGALS: Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered weak and weary...the Ravens shut down the Bengals offense, despite Chad Johnson rapping, rapping at the end zone door. Quoth the Ravens defense....Nevermore! The Ravens never flitting, still a sitting atop the AFC North. Birds take it 17-7

LIONS @ PATRIOTS: In New England, yes New England, the Lions sleep this week! Unfortunately these Lions won't fare as the lions who would severely maul thieves and peasants at the colosseum. And I can't wait to see Bill Belichik in his burlap sack with a Patriot logo on it. I've seen better clothes on the orphans in Oliver Twist! Pats take it 24-10.

FALCONS @ REDSKINS: The Falcons run more than Pheidippedes. While the Redskins are hoping Mike Vick will feel more like Custer at Little Big Horn, with Jason Campbell leading the charge, as 'Skins fans hope they aren't sitting on a bunch of bull. Meanwhile Campbell's approval rating is already higher than President Bush's in the nation's capital. Skins in the upset win it 17-16.

JAGUARS @ DOLPHINS: With two solid defenses going at, you could see sacking of Visigothic proprtions. Nick Saban's defense so many underlying schemes and patterns it's like a Salvador Dhali work. WhileThe Jags are as up and down as Kirstie Alley's weight. Dolphins win it 17-16.

COWBOYS @ GIANTS: A colossal battle in the NFC East matches to coaches who rule with an iron fist. Giants are coming off a collapse of epic proportions last week at the hands of the Titans. A loss that has Giants fans as troubled as a character in a Tennessee Williams play. But the Cowboys have Terrell Owens who's about as balanced as the federal budget, c'mon. Boys take it 24-23.

CHARGERS @ BILLS: Ladanian Tomlinson's as dangerous as Rosie O'Donnell at an all you can eat Chinese Buffet. Yet the Bills are a feisty bunch. When their defense is on, they are tougher to get through than Gigli. While the tandem of Takeo Spikes and London Fletcher at linebacker is as fierce as a Jewish guy trying to send soup back at a delicatessen. Chargers win 17-13.

VIKINGS @ BEARS: The valkyries are waiting in the wings to drag the Vikings season off to Valhalla, where Odin is lying in wait with roasted boar for everyone. Not a bad consolation prize for these slain warriors, as the Bears do the pillaging and plundering in this one 17-9.

CHIEFS @ BROWNS: Wherefore art thou Romeo Crennel? Or the Browns offense for that matter. It's been as anemic as paris Hilton. While Herm Edwards is looking to lead his team through the rest of the schedule like General Sherman through the Confederate south. But will it end up more like Pickett's charge for Herm? Chiefs take it 27-17.

JETS @ PACKERS: The Packers defense has as many holes in it as an aged Swiss, but plays a little softer than that. Like a fine Brie perhaps. Well rest assured Chad Pennington will bring the Merlot or maybe an elegant Cabernet Sauvignon, for this gathering. Jets win it 35-27.

CARDINALS @ RAMS: The Cardinals have about as much a chance of wnning this matchup as President Bush has of winning on Jeopardy. Meanwhile the Rams offense can be as deadly as a hemlock Fribble, if ya know what I mean. The Rams should drop more big bombs than Truman, come Sunday. Rams win it 31-21.

49ERS @ SAINTS: Everyone has eagerly awaiting this matchup. Bush versus Gore. Although I think most will be less disappointed when Bush wins this battle,as Reggie Bush is unlikely to raise gas prices and enter the country into war. And this Bush actually came to the aid of New Orleans, so? Luckily we won't have to wait for weeks for the actual outcome. You will be able to know that the Saints came marching away with a victory 34-21 right after it happens.

TEXANS @ RAIDERS: If the Raiders lose this one they'll go on to star in the San Bernardino production of Les Mis, starring Warren Sapp as Jean Valjean. Art Shell looks flummoxed, like someone asked him to write a dissertation on the Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test. On the otherside, you have the Texans who get lucky about as much as Karl Rove at a Blink 182 show. Raiders win it 31-30.

COLTS @ TITANS: In Greek mythology the Titans were greater than even the Gods, but Tennessee is about as powerful as Titan AE's Oscar campaign. A classic David versus Goliath matchup, but Vince Young's slingshot breaks and Goliath prevails this time around. Colts take it 21-14.

BUCCANEERS @ STEELERS: The Tampa Bay offense has been about as effective as the Bay of Pigs invasion. While Cadillac Williams is more like the Delorean of the NFL. Looked good for awhile than just kinda faded away. The Steelers title defense has been about as strong as Reagan's economic policy. Steelers win it 21-17.

SEAHAWKS @ BRONCOS: The Broncos defense is quicker than a Kenyan running from the bulls in Pamplona. While the Seahawks are hoping their offense can click, faster than a gaggle of giggling, boy-crazy, high school cheerleaders. This game could be as epic as the Odyssey, my friends. Broncs buck the 'Hawks in a retro NFC West rivalry 23-17.

PANTHERS @ EAGLES: Steve Smith is like Mikhail Baryshnikov, dancing around defenders after the catch. Not to mention he has the hands of Fred Biletnikoff. Across the way Andy Reid will be looking to devise a defensive scheme so complex, not even Stephen Hawking could grasp it. Panthers win it 27-23.

Thanks, you've been a wonderful audience, don't forget to get that special someone Murder at 1600 on DVD for Christmas!

WEEK 12: THANKS FOR KITNA (AND WALDORF)

Well another week down in the NFL, and I am as confused as ever. Well here are your updated standings with last week's results in parentheses:

MMQB: 74-86 (8-8)
Bitterness: 72-88 (6-10)
The Guy: 72-88 (8-8)

Yes that's right folks after being in the lead from the get go I have finally relinquished the lead, which means it is time for a change. For the first time ever here at "Bitterness" we will have a guest blogger. Now I will still make my picks and my guest blogger has graciously agreed to work them in to his break down of the games. Now our first ever guest blogger is a man who some may say, has lost it. Once brilliant is now just a hack. Well we here at "Bitterness" are willing to allow him a forum to show that he is still as brilliant as ever. So I give you the first ever "Bitterness" guest blogger, drum roll please....drrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.....Boomer himself, Chris Berman. Take it away Swami!



Thanks Will. Let's take a look at the Thanksgiving weekend in NFL:

DOLPHINS @ LIONS: The Fish entah the Lions den on Thanksgiving Day, but it'll be the fish feasting on the cats at this dinner table. As the Phins look to keep Jon Kitna 'n' Caboodle from finding Mike "the sound and the" Furrey in the endzone with their secondary led by "ring" Yeremiah Bell. Fish squish the cats 23-14

BUCCANEERS @ COWBOYS: The Bucs enter into the Thanksgiving Day tradition in Big D. Can Tony Romo Arrogato Mr. Roboto continue to impress against a staunch Bucs D. And remember that Thanksgiving is a time to set aside your Shelton "Petty" Quarles and don't be Barrett Ruud at the dinner table, use your manners! And be nice to your Ryan Nece and other relatives. But it'll be the Bucs "O" that'll have it's work cut out for them. Mike "You're in good hands with" Alstott and the O-line need to open up some holes for Cadillac Williams, who's looked more like a Yugo than a cadillac out there. And they'll have to get by "a man named " Bradie James and Demarcus "Ready to" Ware. The 'Boys win the Turkey day roundup 27-17.

BRONCOS @ CHIEFS: For the first time ever it's a third Thanksgiving day game! In a big battle in the AFC West, the Chiefs look to keep their postseason hopes alive. With no Tony "Going, going, going" Gon-zalez the Chiefs will need another big effort from Lary "Don't call me grandmama" Johnson. With Gonzalez out they will also need some production from Jason "A-1 is how steak is" Dunn. But they're up against a tough "D" with Al Wilson pickett and Ian "Solid" Gold dancer leading the charge. They'll get some secondary support for John Lynch "Mob" coming up from the safety position. Broncos win at Arrowhead 13-10.

BEARS @ PATRIOTS: A rematch of Super Bowl XX, won't be the blowout this time around. But the Pats have struggled at the Razor. Meanwhile Tyrannosaurus Rex Grossman has been flustered by good defenses and you know that Bill Belichik will have plenty of blitzing schemes to have T-Rex guessing all game long, looking to make the Bears offense extinct. The defenses will win this game. For the Pats they'll have to shut down a daunting Bears pass rush led by Bad, Bad Alex Brown while Da Bears will have blitzers coming from all over. Not quite as scary as Richard "Fixo" Dent and forget it, barrelling down on ya, but nevertheless. Speakin of Richards, for the Pats Richard "Wear your glasses and you can" Seymour leads the way up front. But it'll be the Pats secondary that'll really have to step it up. The Bears could...go.....all.....the way.....this year, but this'll be wear we find out they're really made of. Bears win it 5-3.

BENGALS @ BROWNS: The Brownies are upset minded but the Bengals are looking to make one final charge and you can be sure that Carson "Lake and" Palmer will have is A-game. This could be a long day for the Cleveland secondary as the Bengals will look to expose Davon Holly "Jolly Christmas". The Browns front seven will have to get some pressure up from, starting with Alvin "Mount" McKinley and their sack leader Kamerion Wimbley stadium. Cuz if they can't get pressure it'll be a big day for TJ Whosyourmama and Ocho Cinco. The Bengals romp 31-16.

EAGLES @ COLTS: The Iggles will need to play flawless football and harken back to the defensive genius of "My" Buddy Ryan. But there will be no Clyde-sdale Simmons, Wes "Hip" Hopkins, Jerome, Jerome, Jerome "on the range" Brown or even Seth "she looks lonely I think I'll" Joyner in Indy for this one. They'll rely on Jermiah "Hot to" Trotter, Matt "the real" McCoy, Brian Dawkins your pay and you can Lito a horse to water but you can't make him drink Shepherd. But we have seen the Colts offense beat good defenses already this year, but are they wearing down.? Well Joseph Addai- in the life, is still full steam ahead and within out Donovan McNabb a sub, the Colts edge the birds 28-20.

PANTHERS @ REDSKINS: The Panthers are looking like playoff team, while the Redskins are on life support. Jason Campbell- chunky soup is still in the learning stages and no better way to learn than having Julius "pick pack of pickled" Peppers pressuring you all game. Panthers roll 20-6

SAINTS @ FALCONS: This is a big game for both teams and their playoff hopes, so Mike Vick's- Vapo Rub needs to protect that ball! The Saints are looking to prove to everyone that they are for real. The Saints will need to keep Mr. Vick in the pocket and force "Hot Rod" Roddy White, Ashley Lelien-Deluxe to get open. Falcons win a wild one inspite of a great defensive effort my Scott "Chicken or steak" Fujita... 42-40

STEELERS @ RAVENS: Air McNair and company can dash all hope of a Super Bowl defense in the Steel City with a win in this one. Watch for the Ravens defense to step it up with a big games from Hloti Ngata "Da vida" and Trevor "Excuse me sir, is this the sale" Pryce, up front. Ravens roll at home 17-6.

JAGUARS @ BILLS: Are the Bills and JP finally starting to click? Well the Jags defense probably won't let Lee "You'll be living in" Evans "down by the river" get open in this one. This should be a defensive struggle with both teams looking to rumble, bumble stumble their ways to a victory. Look for a big game for Donte Whitner- of our discontent. Texans beat the Jags twice. Bills beat the Texans, ergo Bills take it 14-13.

CARDINALS @ VIKINGS: Once upon a time, some people thought the Vikings were playoff contenders. Well lately they've been anything but. They actually lost a game in which they held Miami to -3 rushing yards! Well the Vikes may need to harken the spirits Warren "Cow jumped over the" Moon if they want to make any noise down the stretch. However Denny Green's return to the land of Ten Thousand Lakes will not be a pleasant one and number one pick here you come Arizona, as not even the return of Neil Fa-Lomax in his prime, could help ya now. Vikes win! Vikes win! Vikes win! 21-9

TEXANS @ JETS: David "get out of my dreams and get into my" Carr continues to have a solid season, as the Texans remain fiesty and competitive. But Chad Pennington "for your thoughts", will look to rebound from an awful showing against, DA Bears, in week eleven. Eric Mangini "with clam sauce", take a look at what the Bills did and try and go at the Texans' secondary with the walls of Jericho Cotchery. Jets win it 27-20.

49ERS @ RAMS: Well, Mike Nolan has a done a decent job in San Fran, and it doesn't hurt that Frank "Quoth the Raven, never" Gore has been running all over teams. Could be much of the same against the Rams, as they are giving up close to four yards per carry. But it'll be the arm of Marc "battle of the" Bulger that'll win it for the Rams 31-28.

RAIDERS @ CHARGERS: The Raaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiidahs have shown brief signs of life. While Randy, Moss grows fat on a rolling stone, continues to pout on the sidelines. I have a hunch he'll be joined by a lot of other sad faces in this one as Philip A-Rivers runs through it, carves up the secondary and LT runs over the secondary. The Lightin' Bolts win it big....34-10

GIANTS @ TITANS: The G-Men need this one bad to try and right the ship. They need to pressure Vince Young and the Restless and force lots of mistakes and they will. Antonio "A Separate" Pierce will come up big in this one as the New York football Giants roll along to a 23-16 victory.

PACKERS @ SEAHAWKS: Well the gunslinger, Brett Favre and Away will look to shine on Monday Night, like he's done so many times before. Standing in his way the Seahawks defense led by Lofa Tatupu-platter and company. But the Packers should be more worried about their defense. Because even Seneca "falls, women's rights convention of 1848" Wallace could beat the Packers secondary which looks not Gouda but more like Swiss! Seahawks win it 31-21.

Well there ya have it folks, week twelve in nutshell!

Well thanks Boomer. I don't care what they say about you, you're with me leather!

WEEK XI: KITNA STRIKES BACK!

Now before I start I just want to say that this blog was all written and I was just adding pictures , when all of the sudden I got one of those error messages telling me to end now or cancel, I think. Anyways after pouring three hours of my life into writing this blog, Mozilla decided to shut down. Of course none of it was saved, so now I am retyping the whole thing again, virtually from memory. Some stuff that was in the origianl will be cut out or modified because either I don't remember or because I'm too tired now to bother. So now here is the blog I should have been saving all along:

Well, well, well, it seems that I actually managed to go five hundred with my picks last week after a couple of awful weeks. I realize I haven't updated the standings in awhile, so here ya go:

BITTERNESS: 66-78
MMQB: 66-78
THE GUY: 64-80

Now before I get into the picks here a few nuggets I need to get to:

I apologize to all my readers for a faux pas in last week's picks. You see British Columbia and Saskatchewan were not playing for the Grey Cup, simply for the chance to play for it this week. The Lions won pretty handily by the way and there are no more rouges, they are called singles instead. I'm still stickin with rouges. What I didn't like is that Saskatchewan has a Coors Light logo on their jerseys. That would be like the Patriots having being sponsored by LaBatt Blue! Anyways speaking of jerseys....

It's off to New Jersey where congrats go to the Scarlet Knights of Rutgers who last week beat the then #3 Louisville Cardinals on the foot of Jeremy" the Judge" Ito. It's pretty amazing that if about eight or nine other things in college football fall into place the SUNJ-Rutgers Scarlet Knights could play for the national championship. Unfortunately for them they have the Orange of Syracuse still left on the docket and you know what that means.....an easy win for the Knights.

Mike Tirico on MNF: "They're gonna spot the ball (pause- as if he is going to tell us the yard line or finish with, "beyond the first down marker" or something remotely insightful) where it was when his knee hit the ground." Thanks Mike. Really? They're gonna mark it the same way as they always do in every game? Why are good announcers banished to cover Cardinals-49ers matchups when are stuck with announcers who, while at some point may have added something to the game, now just pack each broadcast with the same trite drivel and schtick? Aaaaarrrrrgggghhhhhh!

And now for the picks:

Patriots @ Packers: The Pats are strugglin a bit and the Packers have a bona fide gunslinger with a great passion for the game. Normally I'd go with the 'slinger, but I have a hunch the Pats win it 26-17

Bengals @ Saints: The storybook season being written in N'awlins is, I'm afraid not gonna have a happy ending. Nueve will find Ocho Cinco so much they'll think it's Mardi Gras in the Big Easy, whatever the heck that means? Bengals win it 21-17.

Titans @ Eagles: The Eagles may be back on track thanks to a visit from the Redskins. I'll give 'em this though, the Titans are feisty, but the Iggles should roll at the Linc 35-21. Every time I hear it called the Linc I think of Mod Squad. No, not the movie with Omar Epps, Claire Danes and the ever irreverent Giovanni Ribisi, but the actuall 60s television show. I think they should have an afro over every entrance. Reason #27 why I should be in charge of a stadium right there!

Vikings @ Dolphins: Have the Dolphins finally woken up? Are they actually gonna finish the season playing the way many predicted them to play at the beginning of the season? Maybe, maybe not. But they should be able to beat the fading Vikings, who look like a pillager without a fjord out there right now....'Phins take it 17-13.

Redskins @ Buccaneers: Okay, okay, I may have overestimated B-Grad just a teenie-tiny bit, but I still say he is perfect in the Gruden offense. Yeah! I said it and I stand by it! I also stand by this, "The Redskins are not good." I know it's a bold statement and I may be goin out on a limb, but unless Jason Campbell is Doug Williams incarnate than the 'Skins fans better have plenty of firewater handy for the rest of the season, because it'll be a long six weeks after this one. This ends in a tie 15-15, because the Bucs ground game is non-existent in the hands of Carnell "Broham" Williams. They might as well have Greg "Cadillac" Anderson running the ball for them!

Colts @ Cowboys: The Cowboys won't be riding these Colts for long. Close for awhile, yes, but the Colts eventually buck 'em and win it 24-20. And by the way, carving up the Cardinal defense doesn't sell me on Tony Romo.

Falcons @ Ravens: Ah the Falcons season, up and down it goes. You know they might be better off if Ron Mexico protected the ball a little better! The thing about the Falcons is that they don't play well every week, so you never know what'll happen. You see I've decided to pull a Costanza when picking Falcons games by doing the opposite of my initial instincts. So I'm pickin the Falcons 17-16.

Rams @ Panthers: The Rams were the quietest 4-2 team in all the land and then four straight losses later they are the loudest 4-5 team around. Okay that may not true but it worked better for my sentence. Just think Rams fans if these games were like 59 minutes long you'd be 6-3 in first place in the NFC West. And if "ifs" and "buts" were candy and nuts we's all have a fine little Christmas! Panthers break another little piece of the Rams hearts as John Kasay hits a last second field goal giving the Panthers 31-28 win.

Steelers @ Browns: The Browns are riding their third one game winning streak of the season, but alas all good things must come to an end. The Steelers will win this game narrowly and before everyone gets all excited after Big Ben (Parliament) does well and leads them to victory, let's remember this is the Browns folks! No offense Browns fans. Steelers edge 'em 12-10.

Bills @ Texans: Well the Bills hung with the Colts last week and now they head to Houston to face former Bill Eric Moulds, who I'm told his hung like a colt! Weird?! But Bills fans if you need a new face to stick on your dart board, look no further than Sterling Sharpe. After showing the Bills-Colts highlights and the Bills' missed kick Sterling interjected, "Sorta looked like Scott Norwood." Unnecessary, unclassy and uncalled for. It may be your name, but Mr. Sharpe, you are far from sterling. Bills win in Houston 24-14. Also J.P. Losman and David Carr have a hairy side bet in this one. If the Bills lose J.P. shaves his head, losing his gorgeous do, while if the Texans lose D.C. will shave his eyebrows. Now that's something you won't find on ESPN insider! And that's because it has no factual basis! Just chalk it up to things I'd like to see happeing in the NFL.

Raiders @ Chiefs: If the Raiders keep showing signs of life they may pick as low as 7 or 8 in this spring's draft, so they better watch themselves. While Huard versus Walter isn't exactly Elwya versus Marino, this matchup could be good......NAHHHHHHHH! The Chiefs will just run Larry "I'm not grandmama, that's another guy!" Johnson until he can't run no more! And run he shall, all over the Raiders defense. Chiefs take it 42-30

Bears @ Jets: "Man-man-man-mangini" and the Jets are flyin high after their win in the razor last week, but there's turbulence up ahead in the form of the Chicago Bears. The Bears will join the Colts in successfully pulling off the Meadowlands sweep with a 31-21 win.

Lions @ Cardinals: Kitna's gonna make it rain in 'Zona, just you watch! Lions roll on to victory 33-27.

Seahawks @ 49ers: Hasselback and Alexander may playin this one. My question is what's the hurry? It's only the 49ers. So if Hasselback and Alexander play they win it 42-17. If they don't play they win it 28-17.

Chargers @ Broncos: This is the game of the week by far. Two teams battling under the lights, first place in the division on the line. Turner and Hooch against the vaunted Broncos "D". The thin mountain air. This should be a classic. Fo some reason, call it a hunch, but I think the Chargers win this battle 21-20.

Giants @ Jaguars: Let's see the Jaguars play well against decent teams but tend to lose to the Texans, twice even. The Jaguars willl play the G-men tough and after the feds are out of their way they will play the Giants tight. But the key is for the Giants to pressure David Garrard. If they do this, they will prevail and I fell that they will both pressure him and prevail 27-21.

British Columbia vs. Montreal: This one's for all the marbles folks! Let me tell you if Dave Dickensen plays the way he played against the Roughriders last week, then it is the Alouettes who are in for a rough ride. With Dickensen playing well, Jarious Jackson backing him up, Pamela Anderson in their corner, and the aura of Lui Passaglia over them I don't see any reason the Lions can't capture their fifth Grey Cup. The Alouettes will be hungry though after falling to the Edmonton Eskimos in last year's finale. Interestingly enough the last time the Lions won was in 2000 over the Alouettes in Calgary 28-26. I don't think it'll be that close when the two meet in Winnipeg this Sunday. The Lions win by a TD and a rouge 28-20.

Alright, I gotta skidaddle if I'm gonna get this Grey Cup party organized in time! Smoked meats for everyone!

WEEK TEN: VIVA LA KITNA!

Here some things I wanna get in before the picks.

- Here's a fun little game that'll entertain you during any game. My bro-seph, Billyball and myself found it rather amusing. I call it the Bermanator game. What you do is come up with nicknames for the players playing ala Chris Berman. The winner for our first time was Bill with Jeff " Here Comes the" Hostettler.

-On the "hit" NBC show Las Vegas there were two clever lines (this could be the total for the whole run of the show, not sure):
1) "Dundler Mifflin just booked another ballroom we need to beef up security" As in Dundler Mifflin from another NBC show, the Office.
2) At a bar with some dude trying to pick up a girl with a leather top another guy walks up and says, "You're with me leather." Classic.

Alright here's what you came for, possibly:

JETS @ PATRIOTS- The Pats have two losses. One to the undefeated Colts and the other to the Broncos, both at home. Go figure? So much for the Razor's Edge and I ain't talking about Razor Ramon's finishing maneuver. Luckily the Jets aren't as good as the Colts or the Broncos. And Mangini and the Jets (sing it like Benny and the jets by Elton John....Man-man-man mangini and the Jets!) It's solid gold baby! Pats win it 23-11

CHARGERS @ BENGALS- Ocho Cinco might be declaring "No Mas!" in this one my amigos! "Whale's Vagina" takes it 24-21.

REDSKINS @ EAGLES- The Eagles better regain focus and realize that they can't just, in the words of Winston Churchill, "half arse it" through most of the game and expect to come out victorious. I have a sneaking suspicion that 1) We will see Jason Campbell, (mmmm, mmm m better.) and 2) The sluggish Eagles come out a fightin and knck the Deadskins aruond for four quarters. Seriously though does Joe Gibbs think Mark Brunell is Mark Rypien or something? And I don't mean does he think he is the next Mark Rypien, I mean the actual Mark Rypien. Maybe Snyder should stop carousing with TomKat and have Mark Rypien stop by at a practice so Joe Gibbs can see them side by side. Either he'll get it or think he's losing his mind, either way, it's win-win in Raljohn, Maryland. Oh yeah, Eagles win it 14-3

CHIEFS @ DOLPHINS- Damon Huard's triumphant return to Miami. This will be his eighth start this year. The only time he started anywhere near that many games in an NFL season, well, that was in 1999, with, you guessed it, the Miami Dolphins. This could be close, but ,make no mistakes about it, last week was an anomaly. I assure you the Dolphins are no good. I repeat the Dolphins are no good. That being said they can probably rattle good ol' Damon "Don't call me Brock, cause that's not my name! Seriously that's my brother, I am Damon. D-a-m-o-n" Huard and could squeak outa win. Naaaaahhhhhh! Chiefs take it 27-26

COWBOYS @ CARDINALS- A lot of people, myself included, thought the Buzzsaw that is the Arizona Cardinals would be a borderline playoff contender. That is clearly not the case. Is it true it's Garth "wee, wee, wee" Jax day at the Bird's Nest? And the first 10,000 fans get a free bag of Jax? Guess you'll have to either go or find ssomewhere to watch it folks. In the biggest upset I've predicted all season, the Kingdom of the Mighty Cardinal win it on a last second FG by Neil "Cheese and" Rackers 24-23. That's what I want to happen anyways, Romo Arrogato if you please!

BILLS @ COLTS- A classic AFC East rivalry, but Jim Kelly and Jack Trudeau are long gone. And I'm afraid neither Pete Metzalaars nor Quentin Coryatt are suiting up for this one. If you think this is a gimme for the Colts that you don't know Dick.....Jauron! Colts win it but it's closer than you think 21-20. It's okay Billyball, the Quarterback class is looking strong next year I'm told.

49ERS @ LIONS- Hey Wayne Fontes just give the, oh wait, sorry Rod Marinelli, wellllllll eeeeeeexxxxxxxxcccccccccuuuuuuuuussssssse me! Anyways give that ball to Kitna and let him create. Kitna is awesome! Lions win it 47-31.

RAVENS @ TITANS- Poor, poor Vince Young. Oh and let's not everyone start talking abour Brian Billick as an offensive genius. In two games without Jim "check out this Stegosaurus" Fassel they have scored more points, but they have several defensive TDs and I'm sure the bevy of turnovers they had against the Saints helped set up some good field position. NOw I'm not saying Jim Fassel was good or that he should still have his job, but if you think the offense is all of a sudden better, think again. Just wait until Week 13 when Steve McNair's leg falls off and Ray Lewis accidentally eats Kyle Boller. Then what? Hmmm! Yeah well they should have no trouble with the Titans, Ravens win it 20-6

BROWNS @ FALCONS- The Falcons are up and down as I predicted, and as a result who know what'll happen in this one. Well I do, of course! They will win it 21-14

PACKERS @ VIKINGS- A Packers victory and they could actually be in the playoff hunt. Will it happen? In my estimation, no. Vikes pillage AND plunder and defeat everyone's favoritest gunslinger 13-10.

TEXANS @ JAGUARS- The Jaguars can beat good teams, but struggle against the dregs of the league. But no one has ever lost to the Texans twice in a season. "Is that true," you may ask? It could be. Sounds good. Jags avenge their first loss and win it 28-14

SEAHAWKS @ RAMS- Who'da thunk this would be the battle for first in the NFC West? Honestly? This should be interesting, but I like the Rams in a shootout 35-31.

SAINTS @ STEELERS- Sure I rag on the Steelers plenty and mostly it's because, well, I hate them. Is it Charlie Batch time Steelers fans? I think so. You know what? I have a hunch they beat the Saints with the aid of the Spirits of the Ketchup Packet 22-17

BRONCOS VS. RAIDERS- Broncs win it 27-6

BEARS @ GIANTS- With the all injuries on either side this might not live up to it's billing. Buuuuuuuuuttttttt then again, maybe it will? With logic like that I should run for office. Bears win it 5-3.

BUCCANEERS @ PANTHERS- Here's another Monday Night thriller. Note the sarcasm. Well, it's B-Grad's chance to shine on the national stage and shine he shall. But the Panthers are just a much better team. Panther's win it 24-13. But the big question is who will be the in-booth guest this week? Well here's a list of people who should be on the short list. Some good 'ol folks who were at some point in their life, for some period of time, Charlotte residents. Here we go: Grandmama, Mugsy Bogues, Kelly Tripucka, Billy Graham, DJ Flash or Ric Flair, whoooooo!

SASKATCHEWAN ROUGHRIDERS VS. BRITISH COLUMBIA LIONS- The Lions snag the Grey Cup by four rouges!

Congrats Democrats!
And that's all I got!