WEEK SEVENTEEN: A CLOCKWORK KITNA

Well here it is the final week of the NFL regular season and there are still many questions to be answered. Will the Lions remain perfectly futile? Did Rod Marinelli fire his team up by showing them Necessary Roughness last night? Who will secure those precious last few playoff spots? Where is the "Bitterness is a Fish You Can Catch Swiss Miss All-Christmas Team"? Will Plaxico Burress be arrested again before the year ends? If the Jets and Pats win, will Eric Mangini be invited to the Belichik compound for Ostrichburgers? Who shot Kennedy? Are the Giants good this week? Of those who don't need wins this week, how many will play their starters? Where's the beef? What are the 23 flavors involved in the make-up of Dr. Pepper? And how many flavors are used to make Mr. Pibb? And aside from a medical degree, what is the difference between Dr. Pepper and Mr. Pibb? Is Tom Brady engaged? Do you care? When will Breckin Meyer be recognized by the Academy? Not for an award, I mean when will they actually recognize him? Like on the street or something. Who will win the 138th Bitterness is a Fish You Can Catch Shirtless Gutenburg Awards? Does anyone care what this guy thinks? Is this the best beer blog going? Was that a shameless plug? Maybe you should ask this guy? Or how about this guy? Well, while that is a lot to tackle, I'm pretty sure Week 17 in the NFL should answer just about all of those questions and the some. But before we get to the picks, we have to address a couple of things for our loyal readers. Yes, all seven of them.

First off y'all are probably wondering why I would dis Lil Baby Jesus ( not to be confused with Big Baby Jesus of course) by not posting the "Bitterness is a Fish You Can Catch Swiss Miss All-Christmas Football Team". It was mostly a time crunch thing, coupled with the fact that we were away from "Bitterness" HQ for a couple of days. So how are we gonna rectify this injustice? Well, we'll throw it in right here, after we tackle another concern that has haunted us these past few days. We made a big omission from the "Bitterness is a Fish You Can Catch All-Hannukah Team Presented by Boku and Richard Lewis" and we need to rectify that situation shortly, right after we make you aware that we have just set a new "Bitterness" record for number of times using the word "rectify" in a post. Now, on with the show. We regret the omission of Tyson "Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel I made you out of" Clabo, and sincerely apologize for such a large oversight. We take playing with people's names very seriously here at "Bitterness", and would never purposefully make such a large oversight and hope you can forgive us and will continue to make us your number one place for sillified nicknames. Now, that being said here is the "Bitterness is a Fish You Can Catch Swiss Miss All-Christmas Football Team":

QB- Jake Delhomme "For the Holidays"
RB- Steve "One horse open" Slaton
RB- "Jingle Bell" Rock Cartwright
WR- Reggie A-Wayne "In a Manger"
WR- Chris Horn-"aments"
TE- Justin "Let it" Snow
OL- Mike Gandy "Cane"
OL- Trent Cole "In Your Stocking"
OL- Nick Mangold "Frankincense and Myrhh"
OL- Travis "Little Drummer" LaBoy
OL- "Good" King "Wencelas" Dunlap

DL- Leonard Little "Town of Bethlehem"
DL- Ebenezer "Scrooge" Ekuban
DL- Raheem "Jingle Bell" Brock
DL- Chris Canty "Cane"
LB- "Mistle" Tony Gilbert
LB- Tully "Candy" Banta-Cain
LB- Vernon Gholston "Of Christmas Past"
CB- Davon "Boughs of" Holly
CB- Ahmad "Christmas" Carroll
S- Donte Whittner "Wonderland"
S- Quentin "Gold, Franincense and" Jammer

K- Robbie Gould "Frankincense and Myrhh"
P- Sav Rocca "Round the Christmas Tree"

And now the picks:
RAMS @ FALCONS: The Falcons, yes the Falcons could still get a home playoff game! Not only could they get a home game, they could get a first round bye! Unbelievable! Falcons 37-15.

RAIDERS @ BUCCANEERS: The Gruden Bowl and a Super Bowl rematch fom years ago. What's not to love? Yeah, I know. Buccaneers 24-23.



LIONS @ PACKERS: This could have as much interest as any game on the docket. Can the Lions be the first 16 loss team in NFL history? We'd all like to think so, but will the Packers care that much? I would say the Packers will be fighting tooth and nail to win this one. Some might say why not just lay down, its a virtually meaningless game for the Pack. Well, think about it though. Aside from marring your franchise name in the football anals, there can't be a lot of pride in being the only team to lose to lose to the Lions. Packers 37-14.



BROWNS @ STEELERS: Its been a rough year in Cleveland, but a win here could end the season on a high note for the Brownies. Steelers 27-17.

GIANTS @ VIKINGS: Obviously this means a lot more to the Vikes than it does the G-Men, but will the Tom "turn and" Coughlin be goign full force in this one? Now some people look down on teams resting their starters, against a team who holds playoff implications in its hands, but with several big names like Kevin "Big Boss Man" and Brandon Jacobs listed as doubtful, why would you risk it? I realize the Gaints have a bye week coming up to rest, but that won't matter if BJ is knocked out for the playoffs, will it? Vikings 14-13.

PATRIOTS @ BILLS: The Bills are playing their playoff game right here. Pats 21-17.

BEARS @ TEXANS: Ditto for the Texans. Bears in need a of a win to win the division, but me thinks they'll have a rough trip to Texas. Texans 17-13.

TITANS @ COLTS: Another meaning less Colts-Titans skirmish, yay. At least this year both teams can play the backups. Colts 24-20.

CHIEFS @ BENGALS: The matchup everyone circled on their calendars when this years schedules were announced. I mean what do you say that hasn't already been said about a game between two awful teams on the final Sunday of the regular season? If the Bengals win, that could drop them out of the coveted #4 draft pick. In fact the win could end up dropping the Bengals down a few spots come April. A Chiefs win clinches the #3 Draft Pick in April, but a loss doesn't necessarily give them that coveted #2 pick either, unless the Rams win. This one may have more implications than any other game today. Bengals 14-10.

PANTHERS @ SAINTS: Simple, Panthers win they take the division and get a first round bye. All that stands in their way is Drew Brees and the mighty Saints. Panthers 27-21.

JAGUARS @ RAVENS: All that stands between the Ravens and the playoffs is the Jaguars, who haven't had an inspired performance since last December. Hmm, let me think. Ravens 23-7.

SEAHAWKS @ CARDINALS: Seahawks, probably against the Cards backups. Seahawks 11-9.

DOLPHINS @ JETS: Eh, if you follow football you already know everything you need to know about this one and are probably already tired of it. I'm not even gonna talk about Brett Favre screwing the Pats several years ago by losing to the Jets in the final week, in essence eliminating the Pats from the playoffs. Not one word, I swear. Jets 33-28.
REDSKINS @ NINERS: Niners 31-28.

COWBOYS @ EAGLES: Well here's the Eagles scenario. For them to make the playoffs, they need to beat the Cowboys, have Tampa Bay lose to the Raiders, have Minnesota or Chicago lose, then they need the moon to align with Jupiter, hell to freeze over, and pigs to fly. Easy. Well, at least they can still play spoiler to the Cowboys. Eagles 27-23.

BRONCOS @ CHARGERS: Well it all comes down to this in the AFC West. A Chargers win and Ed Hochuli can sleep a bit easier. A Broncos win and well, maybe he can't. What am I his psychiatrist? Chargers 37-31.

BEST WISHES!

Happy Boxing Day from "Bitterness" and Soda Popinski!

HANNUKAH HIJINX

Its the first day of Hannukah, so here's the 63rd Annual "Bitterness is a Fish You Can Catch" National Football League Kosher All- Hannukah Team presented by Richard Lewis and Boku. Now of course as usual this will feature only current NFL Players, so it will not include Keith "Rab"Byars, Stan "Gelt"baugh, Herman"orah" Moore, Alex Van Gelt, Al "Drei"Del Greco, or Lyle Alzado. So on with the show!

QB- SHAUN HILL-"EL", SF
RB- MENO-RASHAD MENDENHALL, PIT
WR- "KISLEV"-ERNEUS COLES, NYJ
WR- TROY-VAY WILLIAMSON, JAX
WR- ANTWAAN DREIDEL-EL, WAS
TE- TALIS CLARK, IND

YOU CAN BET ALL YOUR GELT ON THIS OFFENSIVE LINE:
OL- GELT-ON BROWN, ARI
OL- ROBERT GELT-ON, OAK
OL- NICK "LATKE", STL
OL- MATT "FESTIVAL OF" LIGHT, NE
OL- JON JANSEN"AGOGUE", WAS

DL- OSI U-MENORAH, NYG
DL- AARON KAMPMAN-ORAH,GB
DL- "MENO"- RAHEEM BROCK, IND
DL- DRE "DEL" MOORE, TB
LB- CATO JEW-N, TB
LB- JON MACA-BEASON, CAR
LB- "LAT"KEYARON FOX, PIT
CB- JASON "STAR OF" DAVID, NO
CB- DRE'-"DEL" BLY, DEN
S- KO "SHER" SIMPSON, BUF
S- HANIK"AH" MILLIGAN, STL

P- BRIAN MOORMAN"ORAH", BUF
K- "STAR OF" DAVID AKERS, PHI

WEEK SIXTEEN: KITNA FOR $800 ALEX

Alright we have a lot on our plate right now so we're gonna have to "quick hit" this weeks picks, with some help from Alex Trebeck:



COLTS @ JAGUARS: What is a game that looked better on the schedule before the season started? Colts 24-14.

RAVENS @ COWBOYS: What is a must win game? Ravens 21-17.

CARDINALS @ PATRIOTS: What is the Cardinals chance to prove themselves? Patriots 42- 35.

SAINTS @ LIONS: What is one game closer to futility history? Saints 45-28.

49ERS @ RAMS: What is a chance for both coaches to try and boost their odds of getting rehired? or What is a chance for Mike Singletary to drop his pants? Niners 24-13.


DOLPHINS @ CHIEFS: What is not Tyler Thigpen's coming out party? Dolphins 24-20.

BENGALS @ BROWNS: What is the battle of underachieving wideouts? Browns 23-20.

CHARGERS @ BUCCANEERS: What is a previously overrated team against a recently overrated team? Buccaneers 28-24.

STEELERS @ TITANS: What is the battle for AFC supremacy? Steelers 19-14.

TEXANS @ RAIDERS: What is a game of very little interest to anyone? Texans 35-17.

BILLS @ BRONCOS: What is "wait 'til next year"? Bills 23-21.

JETS @ SEAHAWKS: What is Brett Favre turning water into wine? Jets 31-21.

EAGLES @ REDSKINS: What is the NFC East toss-up game of the week? Redskins 14-13.


FALCONS @ VIKINGS: What is a rematch of a game Minnesotans are still drinking to forget? Falcons 23-21.

PANTHERS @ GIANTS: What is a battle of former Kerry Collins employers, looking for home field advantage throughout the NFC Playoffs? Panthers 24-16.

PACKERS @ BEARS: What is the game that could salvage a ho-hum Packer season in some minds? Bears 21-10.

ROUNDOFFS: TIME TO REMEMBER

• Remember several weeks ago when the Giants, Redskins, and Cowboys were gonna be the three NFC east teams heading to the playoffs?
• Or how about when Donovan NcNabb didn't know that tying was possible and the Eagles were done for?
• Or, or how about when everyone thought the Bills could put the wagon in cruise control and coast into the playoffs?
• Or when Brett Favre was fallible?
• Or when Chris Berman was original and funny?
• Or when Sportscenter was actually informative and funny?
• Or when Mike Vick wasn't in prison?
• Or remember Dante Hall?
• Or when Devin Hester was a return threat?
• Or when Ladanian Tomlinson was a threat at all?
• Or how about when Kerry Collins was just a drunken punchline?
• Or when Gus Frerotte was just a punchline?
• Or when people in "the know" expected big things from the Jaguars?
• Or when Chad Ocho Cinco was just Chad Johnson, and actually caught passes?
• Or when Marvin Lewis cared?
• Or when the Rams were turning their season around with Jim Haslett?
• Or when the Panthers weren't the best team in football?
• Or when people cared about the Pro Bowl rosters? Okay I guess that was probably never true.
• Or how Romeo Crennel was a genius?
• Or when Pacman Jones wasn't in trouble?
• Or when the Bengals showed promise and were on the rise?
  
• Or when no one knew how clueless Andy Reid was?
• Or when John Madden provided insight?
• Or when Sean Payton and the Saints were ready to take the world by storm?
• Or when people thought Aaron Rodgers would make Green Bay forget about Brett Favre?
• Or when no one had heard of Tyler Thigpen?
• Or Dan Orlovsky?
• Or when there were some creative end zone dances?
• Or when you didn't love you some "Shirtless Gutenburg"?

WEEK FIFTEEN:

Little late with the picks this week, which you obviously already know. And since we're feelin' lazy this week, we thought we'd hand this week's picks over to a guest blogger. Someone who is more into ranting on Sundays. An icon in the journalism field. A man who has been spinnin' crazy for like a two hundred some odd years. That's right, the one, the only Andy Rooney.....


LIONS @ COLTS: If the Lions won a game, it would take a lot of the fun out of ridiculing them. Colts 31-17.

REDSKINS @ BENGALS: Some Indians are offended by the name "Redskins". Personally I find it offensive that people from India have any say in the matter. I liked Ghandi, he was a great house guest. Didn't eat much and picked up after himself. Now he's an Indian I respect. Redskins 23-14.

BILLS @ JETS: The average dog is a nicer person than the average person. Brett Favre is not your average person, he's from Mississippi. I was in Mississippi once, and that was one more time than I wanted to be. Bills 17-13.

49ERS @ DOLPHINS: Did you ever notice that 1930 "niners" smell like pickled onions? I don't know why, but its always made me like them. As for Dolphins, the only one I ever liked was Flipper. If he could have survived on land it would have been some sort of crazy science-fiction show, like Will and Grace. Dolphins 21-17.


CHARGERS @ CHIEFS: Some say the forward pass reinvented the game of football. But I still wouldn't play without wearing a helmet. Chargers 27-20.

TITANS @ TEXANS: When I eat ribs, I stuff a napkin in my shirt, so it folds out and covers the front. Some people think this is embarrassing, but I guess I'm just one of those kooks who doesn't like barbecue sauce on my shirt. Titans 10-9.

BUCCANEERS @ FALCONS: People will genuinely accept facts as truth only if the facts agree with what they already believe. Falcons 21-14.

PACKERS @ JAGUARS: The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50 percent chance of winning, there's a 90% probability you'll lose. Packers 27-17.

SEAHAWKS @ RAMS: I've never found the humor in flatulence. To me its about as funny as yawning and slightly less humorous than sneezing. Seahawks 35-27.

BRONCOS @ PANTHERS: Football's alright, but nothing quite matches the grace and carnage of a good ol' fashioned roller derby. Girls in short skirts on roller skates are the real athletes. Put a three hundred pound offensive lineman up on roller skates, and see what you get. Your bound to be entertained, but he won't. Panthers 27-17.

PATRIOTS @ RAIDERS: A great way to save money in these trying times, is to stop "mega-sizing" your fast food value meals. In most cases its not even worth the extra 39 cents, and before long you won't even miss it. Patriots 38-13.

STEELERS @ RAVENS: At a Christmas party last year I got drunk on rum raisin ice cream. It made me wonder why there's no scotch raisin ice cream? When I woke up the next morning I was on the floor in a puddle of scotch, heavenly hash ice cream and raisins. Come to think of it, there was no ice cream at that party. Steelers 24-21.


VIKINGS @ CARDINALS: In my mind "delicacy" is just another word for creepy, weird food that others won't want to eat. I mean, some foreign delicacies include bull testicles, monkey brains and eggplant. If slapping the word "delicacy" on them is supposed to make it more appetizing, then I'm the Easter bunny. Note: I am not, in fact, the Easter bunny. Cardinals 30-21.

GIANTS @ COWBOYS: We may never know what the smartest animal is, but I'd like to register my vote for the pigeon. Cowboys 24-23.

BROWNS @ EAGLES: Did you ever wonder what the deal is with this "Shirtless Gutenburg"? Where exactly is his shirt, and how did he lose it? Is this supposed to be entertaining? Cause I just don't get it? Sure we'd all just love to rip our shirts off, stick our hairy chests out and grin, but we don't. You never see a "Shirtless Rooney" do ya? Unless you're talking about that hack Mickey! Eagles 17-13.

PLAXICO BURRESS: BEST WING MAN EVER

Now normally, I am not one to stick up for Plaxico Burress, mostly because I have hated him since birth. His, not mine. I feel like he is undeservedly getting a bad wrap these days. I mean, I just hate him because he's a cocky, overrated, annoying wide reciever who plays for the Giants, but not for all this latest ballyhoo. Okay, so he brought an illegal firearm into a club and accidentally shot himself in the leg. But I think everyone is missing the big picture here. Now, before I proceed, let me just, for legal purposes, say that we here at "Bitterness" do not, in any way, shape or form endorse breaking the law or carrying guns. Now, is Plax dumb? Yes. Is he a cock blocker? No.



You see it took some time for Plax to get to the hospital after he assaulted himself. What isn't being heavily reported is he was in the club for a good hour or so after inflicting himself. Why would he possibly do such a thing? Because he's a good wing man. His boy Antonio Pierce was with him, trying to get his, as the kids say, "swerve" on. You try and tell me if you are out with one of your "boys" painting the town red, and you shoot yourself and with an illegal firearm, you ain't gonna cry like a little schoolgirl and immediately ask your friend, who is probably about to "get things done" with some feisty femininas, to take your sorry ass to the hospital? Yeah, that's what I thought. No, Plax sucked it up and stayed there, risking all sorts of infections, who knows how many diseases, and possible risk of amputation, so his friend could get a "piece"! Avoiding the ultimate "cock block", Plax took one for a friend. He toughed it out so his "boy" Antonio could lay the groundwork. Plus when AP needs that little extra oomph in his "game", he be like, "Oh my god, my friend's been shot, I gotta get him help!" BOOM! Now the feisty femininas see Antonio's sensitive side. SHAZAM!

So, next time you all want to go and judge Plaxico, maybe you should take a deeper look, and ask yourselves, "Would any of my friends shoot themselves and still be help me get laid?" Something to think about.

ABOVE THE NORM

Figured no one saw this cause, well, it was the ESPYs. Watch for Ken Griffey Junior's reactions, they are priceless. Actually, not a lot of people know this, but Ken Griffey, Jr. was actually called the worst audience particpant Cirque du Soleil had ever seen until Wayne Jarvis came along. Enjoy!

FRIDAY NIGHT BYTES: IF YOU CAN DODGE A CAR.....

WEEK FOURTEEN: GREEN EGGS AND KITNA

For this week's picks we're gonna get our Seuss on:

RAMS are at CARDINALS, two touchdown dogs. Rams look to be playing in all sorts of fogs. Warner and company score points in bunches, Haslett and the Rams continually take punches. The Cardinals will win undoubtedly, by a lopsided score of 31 to one-three.

The BROWNS head to Nashville to clash with the TITANS. But will we have any Braylon Edwards sightins? Titans should have no problems here, the Browns should be looking on, towards next year. With slashes and dashes from Jeff Fisher's men, Titans will win 27-10.

BENGALS and COLTS will spar in Indy, a regular old-fashioned barbindy. Colts have the playoffs in their sight, Bengals time to go fly a kite. Coach Dungy should be feeling fine, after the Colts win by nine.

CHARGERS will be looking to thump the RAIDERS, and in so doing dismiss some haters. Razzle madazzle riggledy-do, Chargers will bin by 22.

CHIEFS and BRONCOS will meet in Denver, probably leading to more Broncos splendor. Cutler should have a fantastical day, zipping that ball every which way. Boom, frack, lima bean, Broncs win by seventeen.

VIKINGS and LIONS gettin' ready to tussle, with Vikings missing some of their muscle. Zip, zap, gizzards goo, Lions will be lucky if they lose by less then thirty-two.

EAGLES at GIANTS in a big time scruzzle, McNabb and Reid causing all sorts of buzzle. Giants are rolling, rolling, rolling along, while the Eagles are trapped in some tragic song. Whoops and woos, hollers, gazoos, 17-7, Eagles will lose.

JAGUARS and BEARS headed for a dazzley-do, with zizzle and zazzle and slight bally-hoo. Urlacher will run, he will crunch, Jaguars will be the Bears' lunch. Bears win 21-12, leaving the Jags none so swelve.

TEXANS at PACKERS, hardly a scrubber, Packers should give the Texans a drubber. Packers will look pretty keen, winning 20-thirteen.

REDSKINS and RAVENS ready for a bamboosher, rabblin and rubblin' down for a swoosher. Its Lewis and Taylor in a mabmle badamble, chasing down Flacco and yes Campbell. A down and dirty funleven, Redskins will beat 'em 13-seven.

PATRIOTS at SEAHAWKS ready for a jumbo jambaloo, Bill Belichik twenty-three skadoo. Pats need victory, over the hawks of the sea. With Cassel a -hurlin' away, Seahawks are in for a long, long day. Seattle be prepared for big humberdeen, Patriots on top 37-seventeen.

JETS at NINERS zip, zip, zizazzle, old man Favre king of the cazzle. The slinger for sure will better the Gore. Jets are goodies, the Niners poor, Jets win it 31-24.

FALCONS at SAINTS for Sunday go fun day, loser goes away. Brees a-huckin and chuckin, Falcons a-pluckin'! If Falcons could win it'd be great, but me thinks Saints triumph 31-twenty-eight.

COWBOYS and STEELERS headed for a blammy jammy, with Roethlisberger and Romo ready to slammy. Snoddlers, weezlers, an Hines Ward, Steelers over Cowboys 28-twenty four.

BUCCANEERS mash with PANTHERS in a jibberty wiggit, you know Steve Smith will soytantly dig it. Bucs in need of a splash, must block up the Panthers' dash. Bucs won't like the final score, Panthers razzle by four.

DOLPHINS and BILLS jumbled up in Canada, Bills hoping to bring plenty of fan-ada. Should be a regular clap-dangler, with the Bills playing the part of the mooble-mop mangler. Slippity, slappity if you know what I mean, Bills take it 20-thirteen.