WEEK FOUR: ANY WHICH WAY BUT KITNA

In week three:

The Bills snapped their losing streak against the Patriots, and took over sole posssesion of 1st in the AFC East because...the Jets were beaten by the upstart Raiders who did not need to come from 20 points down to win like....the Lions, who are 3-0 for the first time in quite some time, after becoming the third team in a row to come back from a double digit deficit against.....the Vikings, who couldn't hold a lead if they had a hot date with a....I lost my train of thought. Umm, OH, the Packers win, but were deaked out of their tight pants by the Bears on a late punt return which was almost a touchdown, but not for a big holding penalty, and it was just slightly more exciting than....the monsoon that enveloped the Jags-Panthers game for about a quarter or so which would have been a great excuse for...the 1st 13-8 final in NFL history, but sadly the Bengals-Niners battle of futility was played in the bright sunshine not under the lights like....the Monday nighter that saw the second 9-9 halftime score ever in NFL history as the Cowboys won with out scoring a touchdown. Well, quite a week for sure and I gotta believe week four will be just as compelling as the Lions and Bills go for 4-0? Still doesn't sound quite right but I like it!

DETROIT @ DALLAS (-1): Is Tony Romo tough, stupid, or both? Well, say what you will (lord knows I will throughout the season) but I'd take Romo over Brady any day....in the octagon. Well, maybe not a day with cracked ribs. Maybe. While I'm not, and may never be, sold on Romo's playing ability, the Cowboys defense may be turning a corner and right now that could certainly keep them in the NFC East race. I mean how does a team win, without scoring a touchdown and fumbling six, count 'em, six times? Defense probably has something to do with that, right? Although I wouldn't exactly call the 'Skins an offensive juggrenaut even with Sexy Rexy at the helm (sorry long time "Bitterness" reader Rex Grossman's mom).

On the other side of the field will be the Lions who are 3-0 for the first time since, well, I dunno, but it's been decades, plural, since it happened. Not even the Scott Mitchell or Erik Kramer Lions started a season 3-0. They also never did it once with Barry Sanders in the backfield. Another fun note, is the last Lions QB to lead them back from a 20 point deficit is Bobby Layne.

Now, I don't know how good the Lions really are yet, but I am inclined to beleive they are somewhat legit. And I think you all know I don't toss around that "somewhat legit" label around freely! LIONS 27-21

NEW ORLEANS @ JACKSONVILLE (+7): No one is gonna confuse this year's Saints defense with the Steel Curtain defense of the Steelers or the '85 Bears defense that's for darned sure. I guess, to be fair, they were torched by a couple of pretty good QBs. Sunday they get a QB with exactly one NFL start under his belt. Barring another gorilla monsoon like in last week's Jags' game, I'd say the Saints should not have too much trouble in this one. SAINTS 31-18

SAN FRANCISCO @ PHILADELPHIA (-8.5): Michael Vick has practiced and says he's 100% sure he'll play against the Niners on Sunday. Well that's good enough for me, Dr. Vick! Even if he does play, there's no guarantee he'll be 100% and right now he's having trouble taking snaps under center, which is sort of a pretty big part of his duties on Sunday. If the Eagles have to have Kafka be king of "The Castle" (obscure literary reference of the week) again, it may spell trouble for Philly. EAGLES 21-17

WASHINGTON @ ST. LOUIS (+1.5): This weeks's winner of "the game I could not care less about" award. The Rams have shown little improvement week to week and, in fact, seemed to take a giant leap backwards last week. Which means this is a no-brainer to pick the Skins, which is what I will do, which is why the Rammers have an excellent shot at getting their first "W" of the season. REDKSINS 27-21

TENNESSEE @ CLEVELAND (-1): All the talk since Manning was not going to start for Indy, has been about the AFC South is the Texans division to lose. But hold the phone! How did people dismiss the Titans from the get go? I mean they've played decent enough and at some point you gotta think CJ will start making an impact, right? Please say yes, cause Turn and Coughlin is 0-3 and could really use some production from our first round pick already! Okay, sorry, what was I talking about? Oh yeah, don't sleep on the Titans, or hay, it's downright itchy. TITANS 31-21

BUFFALO @ CINCINNATI (+3): Buffalo is flying high this week. While I can't say I was sure the Williams would win last week, I knew they'd cover. "So, is it safe to now say the Bills are for real this year?" you may be asking. They have their shortcomings for sure, but right now they have a very good shot at 4-0 as long as they don't get too overconfident after their big win last week. BILLS 35-15

MINNESOTA @ KANSAS CITY (-1.5): The Vikings have blown double digit leads in all three of their games this season. The last, a 20 point lead against the division rival Lions. Now it seems like it's hard to put all of this on the shoulders of my fellow Syracuse alum, Donovan McNabb, but I have seen very little of their games, so I can't really say. What I can say is most Vikings fans are no longer pondering, but calling for a QB change to, well, Ponder. I think the Vikes hold on this week against the Charlesless Chieves. VIKINGS 23-14

CAROLINA @ CHICAGO (-6.5): The Bears probably had the play of the day Sunday with that punt return that faked everyone out, including the cameraman! Everyone watching at home was wondering what was happening as we did not even see Johnny Knox catch that punt. Too bad a holding penalty negated that effort. Meanwhile Cam Newton was stumbling a bit, partly in a monsoon, against the Jags and now he gets da Bears, could be another long afternoon for the rookie. BEARS 27-15

PITTSBURGH @ HOUSTON (-4): The Steelers may very well make the playoffs this year, but right now they're not looking a team that should. Their offensive line is a civ and, well, most of their team is kinda old. The Texans on the other hand are the fancy schmancy pick to win the AFC South. Well, they had their chance to impress me last week, and while they did put up a valiant effort and have been without Arian Foster for the most part, I'm still not buyin' what their sellin'. That being said, I think they win this one. TEXANS 22-14

ATLANTA @ SEATTLE (+4.5): I don't know much about the Seahawks, and I don't care to. I'm still holding on to the idea the Falcons are gonna be good, but it's getting harder and harder (that's what she said?) by the week. FALCONS 45-17

NEW YORK GIANTS @ ARIZONA (+1.5): Yeah, there was quite a contest for "the game I coul not care less about". Frankly beating the Eagles last week didn't impress me as much as it impressed most. I guess it depends on how good the Eagles defense really is. I'll tell ya this much, if Victor Cruz keeps doing his best Phil McConkey impersonation




for the G-men, everything else is cream cheese! GIANTS 21-14

MIAMI @ SAN DIEGO (-7): Am I the only one who still sees the name Tony Sparano and thinks Tony Soprano? I'm surprised I haven't seen shirts with "the Sparanos" on them, knocking off the Sopranos logo. Although, I guess Miami fans aren't all that bright (Miami fans send your hate mail to jayfiedler@imanidiot.net ) and maybe don't know the Sopranos were fictional and are trying to avoid the wrath of Tony. Or maybe it's because it depitcs a firearm?

I'd assume they'd just put Snowflake there in it's place, right?

Anyways, the Chargers always start slow, so the fact they are 2-1 has to be a good sign for Norv and company. Plus the Dolphins don't appear to be very good, so a 3-1 record seems to be in the cards for the Bolts. CHARGERS 24-10

DENVER @ GREEN BAY (-12.5): The Packers are legit, but I feel like they may play down to their opponents, and that 12.5 spread is a bit daunting. Basically, I try to not pick teams to cover double digit spreads and this is no different, even though they could very well cover. Got that? PACKERS 28-17

NEW ENGLAND @ OAKLAND (+4): The Belichik Patriots rarely lose two in a row it seems, so the Raiders may very well just be Tom Brady's whipping boys this Sunday, regardless of the fact they may be good this year and this game is in the black hole amongst all them passionate (read: psychotic) Raiders fans. PATRIOTS 38-24

NEW YORK JETS @ BALTIMORE (-3.5): This'll be a defensive battle, one would reckon. I'm inclined to believe the Ravens we saw in weeks one and three were the real Ravens. Or, maybe they'll only play good in odd numbered weeks, who the heck knows? RAVENS 23-17

INDIANAPOLIS @ TAMPA BAY (-10): Okay, this was very much in the running for "the game this week I could not care less about" but I am kind of curious to see what the Bucs do and c'mon ya gotta care about primetime games featuring Curtis Painter, right? I mean look at that punim:

Am I right folks? Well, his family might wanna watch. I said, "might". BUCCANEERS 16-10

So, there ya have it, another week of picks in the books, enjoy the games and your cheese:

WEEK THREE: KITNABALL?

Well, well, well, here we are headed into week three and of course the Bills, Lions and Redskins are 2-0! 2010 division winners Colts, Chiefs and Seahawks are 0-2. I know what you're thinking how could the Chiefs and Seahawks both have won the division last year, they're both in the AFC West?! Well, turns out they moved the 'Hawks to the NFC quite some time ago. Also, it is really irrelevant to me that the Chiefs and Seahawks are both defending division champs, since the Chiefs did it with smoke and mirrors and the Seahawks won the NFC West, but the division winner thing is what everyone is gonna to point to, trying to drum up some semblance of story or parity. Winning the NFC West last year was akin to being the skinniest kid in fat camp. And while we're sort of mentioning the Chiefs, how bad are they? I mean Todd Haley is a horrible head coach and they are off to an all out atrocious start. But not to worry KC fans, at least your best offensive weapon, Jamaal Charles is out for the season, which is gonna severely reduce the odds of "Charles in Charge" headlines in the Kansas City periodicals. Hey maybe Scott Baio could play some QB or wideout? I'm sure Willie Aames is a terrific scatback, they could throw some pads on him and toss him in there.

Well, enough (Eight is Enough?) of that. after a solid 8-8 week two, it's on to the week three picks!

49ERS @ BENGALS (-2.5): Last week the Niners battled the Cowboys in a battle of former playoff rivals and this week it's a rematch of Super Bowl XXIII ! Now obviously it's not the first rematch since then and the Bengals have not really even been close to getting back to the big game, while the Niners have won a pair of Super Bowl rings since that game. Neither team has been to the Super Bowl since 1995 and the Bengals have not won a playoff game since 1990 when they beat the Houston Oilers, who no longer exist. How is any of this relevant to this matchup, you may ask? Well I can't say it it, just thought I'd crack an egg of knowledge over your head and make Bengals fans feel bad. Hey, Tim Krumrie's not walking through that door, Queen City! I don't really have a great read on either of these teams. Both are 1-1, both have beaten what I would consider mediocre at best football teams (Seahawks? Really?) and both teams have QBs who have not proven themselves on the NFL stage. Bengals are at home, so that may be where I should lean, however I keep holding out that Niners are at least very decent. NINERS 21-17

PATRIOTS @ BILLS (+9): Mark this as the first test for the upstart 2011 Buffalo Bills. You gotta love their moxie that's for darned sure, but I think the spread says about all you need to know about what most people think of the 2-0 start. I'd be very surprised if Orchard Park ain't rockin like an LA Guns concert for this one. The concern for the Bills, has to be that the Raiders put up a bunch of points on them and the Raiders were without their top three wideouts. Jason Campbell is not Tom Brady. There's also the fact the Pats have one like 87 of the last 88 meetings against the Williams, or something like that. But hey, if the energy from everyone rooting on the Bills (which is everyone outside of Patriot Planet) is actual power the Bills are sittin in butter! PATRIOTS 28-20

TEXANS @ SAINTS (-4): This matchup intrigues me. Everyone is high on the Texans to win the AFC South and it's tough to argue, with Peyton Manning gone, but there's just that little voice in the back of my head saying, "Texans will never make the leap to the next level!" Well if you wanna prove you're ready to make that leap, Houston, here's your chance. Legitimately the Saints could be 2-0, but Sean Payton's hubris may have prevented that from happening. Judging by how the Saints manhandled the Bears in week two, it could be a long afternoon for the Schaub. SAINTS 38-21

GIANTS @ EAGLES (-6): The Eagles offense could really undergo quite a "metamorphasis" this week if Kafka is at QB. Yeah, I went there! And others may have used this, but I had to have been one of the first as I tweeted this on Sunday night when he entered the game (its @WillieMoe if you wanna check and also don't wanna miss out on my Sunday football tweets that get less and less relevant with each passing beer)! Anyway, Andy reid says he has full confidence in Kafka if he has to run the offense. In fact he said he should have let him loose a little more on Sunday night. And Andy Reid continues to be one of the worstest in-game managers. On the other side of the ball you have the G-Men who must have been watching the Emmy's on Sunday, to inspire that great acting on Monday night! Well, I think they were already merely acting as contenders anyway. All signs point to the Iggles winning this one! ALL SIGNS! EAGLES 27-21

DOLPHINS @ BROWNS: (-2.5): The Phins are 0-2 and I think only Tony Sparano is the only one surprised by this. This could very well be the week they break into the win column, since the Brownies have not been overly impressive. May have to break out my Browns Jon Jurcovic jersey though and if that happens, well, all bets are off. BROWNS 23-17

BRONCOS @ TITANS (-7): I think we're more likely to see the Titans we saw in week two than the Titans we saw in week one. And hey Chris Johnson, my fantasy team is dying a slow death, so if you wanna go ahead and , I dunno, actually earn that big contract you held out for anytime soon, it would be greatly appreciated! TITANS 24-14

LIONS @ VIKINGS (+3.5): Well everyone's sleeper pick (which I guess doesn't really make them a sleeper pick anymore, does it?), the Lions, has started 2-0. Now sure you can't really say they've been tested (who have they played, Bill?), but at the same time, can you honestly say the Vikings are a test, the way they've played? Hardly. While Leslie Frazier still has confidence in Donovan McNabb, I feel Minnesota fans may not share this view, if they even still do, after week three. LIONS 31-21

JAGUARS @ PANTHERS (-3.5): These two squads are cosmically linked, having come into the league at the same time. They also both went to, and lost, their first respective conference Championship games for the first time, in the same year. Well Sunday they both start rookie QBs, as the similarities continue, and yet stop here. Figgy Newton has been throwing up ridiculous numbers thus far, while Blaine Gabbert is making his first NFL start. I don't know much about Gabbert, except the general consensus is he could not possible be worse than Luke McCown, which is a ringing endorsement if ever I heard one. And I have. Heard a ringing endorsement. Sorry 'bout that. The only way for the Jags to win is to hope MJD runs wild and they can keep Cam Newton off the field as much as possible. May be too tall of a task. PANTHERS 28-17

CHIEFS @ CHARGERS (-14.5): The spread would only seems large if the Chieves hadn't been beaten twice by 30 or more points. Plus, as mentioned earlier, Jamaal Charles is out for the season. I almost never pick someone to cover this kind of spread in the NFL, but I'm gonna go with the masses. CHARGERS 80-10

JETS @ RAIDERS (+3.5): And the tests just keep on comin' for the Jets. The Raiders are a mystery to me, but the Jets, I am still assuming, are pretty good. At least good enough to shut down Jason Campbell and whomever he has at receiver on Sunday. JETS 27-14

RAVENS @ RAMS (+3.5): Not quite sure what happen to Baltimore in week two, but I would wager a guess it is not likely to happen again this season. At least not in St. Louis in week three. RAVENS 31-13

FALCONS @ BUCCANEERS (-1.5): Matty Ice and company should have some good swagger coming into week three after a big primetime win against Philly last week. On the other side is Josh Freeman and the Buccaneers. I am unsure if either is somewhat good or not. I like Josh Freeman, but I think the Falcons pull this one out. I'm actually kind of surprised the Bucs are favored here. FALCONS 16-10

CARDINALS @ SEAHAWKS (+3.5): Winner of "the game I probably care least about" this week. Congratulations guys! CARDINALS 24-12

PACKERS @ BEARS (+3.5): Maybe the game of the week if, unlike me, you believe in Jay Cutler. But regardless of my feelings towards Cutler and the Bears, the skirmishes between these two teams do seem to end up being pretty close. Now I'm not saying I believe in the Bears here, but something tells me they pull off the "upset" on Sunday night. Possibly in overtime? BEARS 27-24

STEELERS @ COLTS (+10.5): I'm sure ESPN and NBC were just super happy when they found out Peyton Manning may be done for the season, since America can't get enough of Kerry Collins. NOT! ("NOT" joke's for you Hoff!) . Maybe by some sort of sheer luck the Colts stay close in this one, but really does anyone think that? If it happens it will certainly be some sort of prime time, Monday Night Football, Buffalo Wild Wings puling the strings, magical thing. STEELERS 25-11

So, there ya have it! My insightful thoughts on week three in the NFL! And now your cheese:

WEEK TWO: THE KITNA'S SPEECH

Welcome back for week two in the NFL. Week one was full of ups, downs and whathaveyous, for darned sure! To recap, I called the Chiefs not covering, but not them getting blown out by the Williams, told you there'd be plenty of time for Romo bashing and the QB gave us plenty of fresh material, announcers want the Falcons and Steelers to remain calm (as if they were gonna give up after one week), Figgy Newton had a ridonkulous debut, Tom Brady threw for roughly a tenth of mile on Monday night, the Broncos played the Raiders (or so I am told), CBS and FOX refused to cut from blowouts to switch to relevant games, the Monsters of the Midway were good, the Manningless Colts were not, the Steelers got thrown around like rag dolls in Baltimore and oh yeah, ESPN added an extra (more like extraneous, am I right) hour of blowhards for NFL pregame! Now on to week two!

BEARS @SAINTS (-6.5): Well I said the Bears had a good chance of an upset last week against the Dirty Birds, but I am not sure anyone quite saw the thumping they doled out on Matty Ice and company. Offensively the Saints came out firing and were pretty good, but the Packers defense may have also still had some rust on it in week one, which the Bears D certainly did not. As you may or may not know, I have never been sold on Jay Cutler, but the Bears D is most likely for real and that could spell trouble for N'awlins. BEARS 24-21

CHIEFS @ LIONS: (-8.5): I didn't quite call the Bills win, but I did know they would be at least close and the Chiefs were highly overrated. I would hazard a guess that the Lions offense is slightly better than that of the Bills, but time is gonna tell on that one. I don't trust the Chiefs as far as I can thrown them (and with my bad back I shouldn't be throwing anything), so look for the Chiefs to get a big dose of Megatron! LIONS 28-17

JAGUARS @ JETS (-9.5): The Jets were more or less handed a win on a silver platter in week one, so I am not too impressed with them, but the Jaguars have Luke McCown at QB. JETS 19-3

RAIDERS @ BILLS (-3.5): Circle the wagons, folks! The Williams really took it to the Chefs in week one, which surprised a good portion of people. And let's face it, it's darn hard to root against those Williams in those strikingly awesome uniforms. Although I will concur with my buddy Jables and say blue pants would have been better, but they were still pretty darned outstanding! Having watched very little of the Raiders game, being passed out half way through the first quarter, I really only know they won in a close one. I like Fitzy and Stevie Johnson to hook up on a big second half touchdown to secure the victory....BILLS 24-16

CARDINALS @ REDSKINS (-4): Are the Redskins for real or the Giants just really banged up and or not that good? While I think the Giants are overrated and the Redskins are more pretenders than contenders, the Cardinals gave up over 400 passing yards....to a rookie....in his first NFL game ever. Sure, maybe Cam Newton is great (I'm still not sold), but over 4oo yards throwing? Enter Sexy Rexy......'SKINS 27-20

RAVENS @ TITANS (+6): Well, I thought the Titans would easily dominate the Jags in week one and they did not, but it urns out the spread was dead on. If it were a handful of other teams the Titans were facing in week two, I'd see them bouncing back in a big way, but even with more CJ this week, the Ravens are, well, ravenous and seem to be on a mission! RAVENS 28-17

SEAHAWKS @ STEELERS (-14.5): Can't say I envy the Seahawks in this one. Heading into the the Ketchup Packet for the Steelers home opener a week after they got absolutely manhandled by the hated Ravens? This could get ugly. If the Steelers don't win this one, and in solid fashion, the Steel city will have their collective hands hovering over the proverbial panic button. STEELERS 28-10

PACKERS @ PANTHERS (+9.5): Cam "Fig" Newton's week one performance does move the Panthers a level or two above the dung heap I originally had them in, but I have a hunch with a look at week one film and some extra rest, the Packers defense will be looking to prove themselves in this one. PACKERS 35-14

BUCCANEERS @ VIKINGS (-3): Sure the Vikings lost their opener, but they held their own and clearly did not warrant the eight and half point underdog status, I didn't think. The Bucs on the other hand got a big dose of Megatron and with know Optimus, or Maximus, Prime in the secondary that was all out trouble! I'm pulling for the Bucs this season, sort of, but they are a bit unimpressive, in my eyes.....VIKINGS 25-12

BROWNS @ COLTS (+2.5): Breakout the Colt 45s, it's Colt vs. Colts in the Billy Dee Williams Bowl! Sure the Colts were without Peyton Manning on Sunday for the first time in quite some time, but the thing is, Peyton doesn't play defense! Now sure, with Peyton they keep that Texans offense off the field a little more, but still. Peyton's absence is a bit psychological as well, me thinks, and the Colts need to move on and get going. I still don't have a great read on the Brownies this year, so I am picking the Colts in what will be considered a mild upset. COLTS 24-20

COWBOYS @ 49ERS (+3): This matchup used to be a classic heated rivalry of NFC powerhouses that I wouldn't watch and now it's just a less meaningful game that I won't watch. I kid, but not really. I feel like the Cowboys and the Romosexual will right the ship (delaying Kitna's 2011 debut another week) so to speak and emerge victorious! COWBOYS 23-17

TEXANS @ DOLPHINS (+3): Well, let's see the Phins gave up a crap ton of passing yards on Monday night, and while Matt "Stump the" Schaub is no Tom Brady, he has been known to do some slingin' himself! Also, this week's random fact: Miami's City Manager's name is Tony Crapp, Jr. I'm not even kidding, see for yourself- ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Miami ). I'm guessing he's the mayor's number two? TEXANS 31-20

CHARGERS @ PATRIOTS (-7): This one is a head scratcher of a pick for me. The Chargers did not bowl me over with a ton of confidence in week one, but they're certainly very decent. I'm going out on a limb and saying Brady with his "lubed up (translated: hydrated)" fans cheering him on will not, I repeat, NOT, eclipse 500 yards passing in week two. I also feel like the Bolts will hang around in this one for awhile, but in the end will falter. PATRIOTS 31-21

BENGALS @ BRONCOS (-4.5): This one depends completely on if it's Andy Dalton or B-Grad helming the Bengals offense. Actually, it really doesn't. Broncos 22-16

EAGLES @ FALCONS (+2.5): This one is for the birds! HAHAHAHAH! Birds! Get it?! Both teams have bird names! Pretty sure I'm the first to use that! Alright, enough of that nonsense. Both these teams need to get some better games from their O-lines, and as such this could be the difference in Vick Bowl. So this is more or less a toss up in my book, so I'm going with the hometown team. FALCONS 28-24

RAMS @ GIANTS (-5): When the MNF schedule was revealed for the season, I thought this was an awful choice, because the G-Men were far better than the Rams. Now, I think this is a bad choice because both teams are kind of disppointing, but it could be a close, not good, but close, game. The Rams lost like, every, skill postion player last week, so look for Cleveland Gary to get a bulk of the carries, and Flipper Anderson to be Jim "don't call me Chris" Everett's top target. GIANTS 16-6

That wraps up week two's picks, hope you enjoyed! If you didn't well, too bad. If you have a question for the Bitterness Mailbag, please submit it in the comments section and we'll be sure to read it, probably. And now, of course, your cheese

WEEK ONE: WATCH YOUR BACK ROMO!

Are you ready for some football? How about some new "Bitterness" posts?! That's right ladies and gentlemen (and knowing my readership, I use the term gentlemen lightly) football season is upon us and "Bitterness" is back, baby! After not making picks for most of last season, we're back with a vengeance, a VENGEANCE I tell ya! The season preview post may come out this weekend, but don't hold your breath. Unless you are Jets HC Rex Ryan, then by all means, please, hold your breath! But, for a quick rundown here are my quick picks for the season:

Division Winners:


Patriots, Steelers, Titans, Chargers, Eagles, Falcons, Packers, and who even cares/ 49ers


Wild Cards, Bitches!:


Ravens, Jets, Saints, Cowboys

AFC Champs: Patriots
NFC Champs: Falcons


Super Bowl Champs: Patriots

MVP: Aaron Rodgers


Offensive Players of the Year

NFC- Rodgers

AFC- Brady (I have no idea why not)

Defensive Players of the Year

NFC- Lawrence Taylor

AFC- Joe Klecko

And that's all I've got right now, I know I jumped out on some limbs here, but whatever, I'm rarely right, so you stick that in your pipe and smoke it, or something.

Alas, without furthe adieu, here are the week one picks, enjoy!

NEW ORLEANS @ GREEN BAY (-4): An epic opening night clash of titans (not to be confused with the Titans)! This battle between the last two NFC, and more importantly Super Bowl Champs, should be a real humdinger, to say the least. Aaron Rodgers was sort of decent last year and while I don't think they will repeat as either the NFC or Super Bowl Champs, A-Rodg and the Cheeseheads will still be a force to be reckoned with, I, um, reckon. But let's be honest folks, I think the big question on everyone's mind is will I wear my Saints Aaron Brooks jersey or my Russ Verba Packers jersey for the game? That's gonna be a game time decision, I think. PACKERS 27-21

COLTS @ TEXANS (-9): Well it's official, Peyton Manning will not start this game and that's all you need to know. I know this is all you need to know, because this is about all I have heard about this game. The most interesting thing, to me, about Peyton missing a game, is the just utter awfulness of some of the backup QBs in the league. I mean, the Colts had to sign one because they had no faith in any of the backups on their roster! And not just anyone, Kerry "Frickin" Collins of all people (See ecstatic Kerry below after getting "the call". Confidence inspring to say the least)! Just off the top of your head, right now, how many backup QBs do you think are competent enough to sucessfully run an offense? Six? Seven? Granted, they are backups and should never have to set foot on the field during a game, unless their team is up by 30 points, down by 30 points or if that team's jokester punter tosses their clipboard on the field, but still, C'MON! Wait, what was I talking about? Colts-Texans? Um, TEXANS 31-24 (that's 8 Colt FGs BTW!)

PITTSBURGH @ BALTIMORE (-2.5): This has all the makings of a slobberknocker, I think. This is pretty much a coin flip game, I'd say, with the Ravens only being favored cause they are at home. This is just one of those things. The Steelers just find ways to win against the Ravens. Well, unless the Ravens borrow those outlandish helmets the Terrapins donned this past weekend, I think the Steelers pull it out (that's what she said!). STEELERS 17-13


DETROIT @ TAMPA BAY (-1.5): Like many of the games this opening weekend, this one is kind of a tough call for me, mostly because I know relatively little about what these two squads did in the off- or preseason. I'm goin with the Buccaneers, for no other reason than they had a better record last year. At least I think they did, which is pretty much good enough, right? BUCS 21-17.

ATLANTA (-3) @ CHICAGO: I don't think Da Bears are that good, but what the heck do I know, really? That's a rhetorical questions sports fans, so button it! While I really feel the Falcons could very well win the NFC, I have a hunch this will be a rough game where the Bears out play them and get a gutsy win. This will, in turn, cause the Bears bandwagon to gain early, yet pretty much unwarranted, momentum. BEARS 23-21

BUFFALO @ KANSAS CITY (-6): Kansas City could be really good or extraordinarily mediocre. The Bills, are, well, the Bills. At some point, something's gotta gove, right? Right?! I mean they got a Hahavahd QB, how could that possibly go awry? Fitzy does have a cannon, this is for sure, but cannons don't win championships, they win wars...in the 19th century. Anyway, I think most people are just wondering how much the Chefs will win by and I'm here to tell ya it won't be a lot. CHIEFS 13-10

PHILADELPHIA (-5) @ ST.LOUIS: The Eagles are expected to have an explosive offense this year and I would tend to agree with those expectations. The only people out there who think the Rams will win this game are the Rams, their families and Cleveland Gary and even some of them are unsure. They could, COULD, cover the spread, but I just don't see it happening. Iggles 38-21

CINCINNATI @ CLEVELAND (-6.5): At one point, one of these teams will live up to the preseason hype bestowed upon them. Good news is, this year neither team has any sort of hype, so there's really only one way to go (I'll give you a hint, it ain't down) for both squads. One of these teams will most likely be undefeated after this game, sittin' tied atop the AFC North with the Steelers- Ravens victor, so they got that goin' for 'em, which is nice. The Bengals have Andy Dalton at QB. Andy Dalton? Really?! This is the kid on whom's shoulder you have hung your offense, Cincy? Yikes. To be fair, I know very little about Andy Dalton, other than he has a very unitimdating name (sounds like he may try and sell ya real estate) and did not look good in the only preseason footage I saw of him. Even as I write this, with my lack of research, I am not 100% sure Andy is even his actual first name. Browns 17-10


TENNESSEE @ JACKSONVILLE (-2): Okay, so I am not exactly sure why the Jaguars are favored in this game, but again, with my lack of research I may very well find out, come Sunday. Now I am not sure how the eschewing of the Garrard plays into this spread, but with Luke McCown at the helm, well, they might as well have Cade McNown starting, am I right people? Plus the spreads guys realize Chris Johnson will play a little, right? Sure he missed a bunch of preseason whathaveyous, but I think and hope (he's my RB1 in my Fantasy Football League) he fares okay. TITANS 27-17


NEW YORK GIANTS (-3) @ WASHINGTON: I can't say I have a ton of faith in the Redskins, who would pobably be six, or seven, point dogs if this were in the Meadowlands (yeah, can't remember the name of their new stadium) or anywhere else on Earth (probably the solar system, if you wanna go down that path of literal shenanigans). GIANTS 31-13


CAROLINA @ ARIZONA (-7): Not sure about Kevin Kolb running the offense or Beanie Wells as the featured back, but Carolina is, well, just not good, I don't think. CARDINALS 24-16

SEATTLE @ SAN FRANCISCO (-5.5): Remember that time the Seahawks made the playoffs with a losing record? I'm sure the Giants, who went 10-6 but did not make the playoffs, sure do! Remember when the 49ers were a preseason favorite to win the NFC West? Yeah, 2010 was a weird and awful year out in the NFC West. It's definitely conceivable that no one in the division finishes over .500 for the second year in row. Has that ever happened in the 8 division format? In the six division format? Well, here's to another season of futility in the NFC West! NINERS 16-9


MINNESOTA @ SAN DIEGO (-8.5): Are the Vikings supposed to be really bad or are the Chargers supposed to be really good? Cuz I gotta tell ya, I didn't think either until I saw this spread. I mean, the Bolts should be good, but have the Vikings really dropped off that much? They still have Adrian Petersen, right? This may one of those games where I think the spread is outrageous and then once the game concludes I'll be thinking, "OHHHHHH, that's why!" But for now I'm not sold on a Bolts blowout. CHARGERS 28-27

DALLAS @ JETS (-4.5): Kinda wishing neither team wins this one. Rex Ryan has been somewhat quiet, which is interesting, to say the very least. TheCowboys have just seemed to continuously underachieve year after year (which I am all for) and I don't see why this year is any different. Now, say what you will about Tony Romo, the guy did put up decent numbers when healthy. Don't get me wrong I am no fan of TR, but he has been solid for the most part. Now that, that's out of the way I can go back to making fun of him every other week of the season. JETS 31-21


NEW ENGLAND (-7) @ MIAMI: There's just something about this that screams upset. I mean on paper, there's really no way Miami should be in this game at all, but I just have a hunch the Pats will come out flat. Let's face it, they don't always play superbly opening on Monday night. Remember that Buffalo debacle? Leodis McKelvin might. PATRIOTS 27-21

OAKLAND @ DENVER (-3): Remember that Bronco bandwagon everyone jumped on last year? I forget, in what round of the playoffs did they get beat? Uh huh. Anyway, it's another Monday night doubleheader to open the season , which means another west coast game. Has Oakland played in all but one of these since they added the second game? I feel like they're always on the MNF opener for reasons I cannot explain. Well, actually, I'm guessing the reason they don't put, say, a Vikings-Chargers game on is because they know at least half the country's not watching the whole game anyway. I never do, that's for sure! But if it was a marquee game, would I stay up? It's a whole chicken and the egg thing I guess. BRONCOS 42-38

Well, there you have it, your "Bitterness is a Fish You Can Catch Week One Picks", hope you enjoyed and if you didn't, well, I don't care.

And now, your cheese: