WEEK TWO: THE KITNA'S SPEECH

Welcome back for week two in the NFL. Week one was full of ups, downs and whathaveyous, for darned sure! To recap, I called the Chiefs not covering, but not them getting blown out by the Williams, told you there'd be plenty of time for Romo bashing and the QB gave us plenty of fresh material, announcers want the Falcons and Steelers to remain calm (as if they were gonna give up after one week), Figgy Newton had a ridonkulous debut, Tom Brady threw for roughly a tenth of mile on Monday night, the Broncos played the Raiders (or so I am told), CBS and FOX refused to cut from blowouts to switch to relevant games, the Monsters of the Midway were good, the Manningless Colts were not, the Steelers got thrown around like rag dolls in Baltimore and oh yeah, ESPN added an extra (more like extraneous, am I right) hour of blowhards for NFL pregame! Now on to week two!

BEARS @SAINTS (-6.5): Well I said the Bears had a good chance of an upset last week against the Dirty Birds, but I am not sure anyone quite saw the thumping they doled out on Matty Ice and company. Offensively the Saints came out firing and were pretty good, but the Packers defense may have also still had some rust on it in week one, which the Bears D certainly did not. As you may or may not know, I have never been sold on Jay Cutler, but the Bears D is most likely for real and that could spell trouble for N'awlins. BEARS 24-21

CHIEFS @ LIONS: (-8.5): I didn't quite call the Bills win, but I did know they would be at least close and the Chiefs were highly overrated. I would hazard a guess that the Lions offense is slightly better than that of the Bills, but time is gonna tell on that one. I don't trust the Chiefs as far as I can thrown them (and with my bad back I shouldn't be throwing anything), so look for the Chiefs to get a big dose of Megatron! LIONS 28-17

JAGUARS @ JETS (-9.5): The Jets were more or less handed a win on a silver platter in week one, so I am not too impressed with them, but the Jaguars have Luke McCown at QB. JETS 19-3

RAIDERS @ BILLS (-3.5): Circle the wagons, folks! The Williams really took it to the Chefs in week one, which surprised a good portion of people. And let's face it, it's darn hard to root against those Williams in those strikingly awesome uniforms. Although I will concur with my buddy Jables and say blue pants would have been better, but they were still pretty darned outstanding! Having watched very little of the Raiders game, being passed out half way through the first quarter, I really only know they won in a close one. I like Fitzy and Stevie Johnson to hook up on a big second half touchdown to secure the victory....BILLS 24-16

CARDINALS @ REDSKINS (-4): Are the Redskins for real or the Giants just really banged up and or not that good? While I think the Giants are overrated and the Redskins are more pretenders than contenders, the Cardinals gave up over 400 passing yards....to a rookie....in his first NFL game ever. Sure, maybe Cam Newton is great (I'm still not sold), but over 4oo yards throwing? Enter Sexy Rexy......'SKINS 27-20

RAVENS @ TITANS (+6): Well, I thought the Titans would easily dominate the Jags in week one and they did not, but it urns out the spread was dead on. If it were a handful of other teams the Titans were facing in week two, I'd see them bouncing back in a big way, but even with more CJ this week, the Ravens are, well, ravenous and seem to be on a mission! RAVENS 28-17

SEAHAWKS @ STEELERS (-14.5): Can't say I envy the Seahawks in this one. Heading into the the Ketchup Packet for the Steelers home opener a week after they got absolutely manhandled by the hated Ravens? This could get ugly. If the Steelers don't win this one, and in solid fashion, the Steel city will have their collective hands hovering over the proverbial panic button. STEELERS 28-10

PACKERS @ PANTHERS (+9.5): Cam "Fig" Newton's week one performance does move the Panthers a level or two above the dung heap I originally had them in, but I have a hunch with a look at week one film and some extra rest, the Packers defense will be looking to prove themselves in this one. PACKERS 35-14

BUCCANEERS @ VIKINGS (-3): Sure the Vikings lost their opener, but they held their own and clearly did not warrant the eight and half point underdog status, I didn't think. The Bucs on the other hand got a big dose of Megatron and with know Optimus, or Maximus, Prime in the secondary that was all out trouble! I'm pulling for the Bucs this season, sort of, but they are a bit unimpressive, in my eyes.....VIKINGS 25-12

BROWNS @ COLTS (+2.5): Breakout the Colt 45s, it's Colt vs. Colts in the Billy Dee Williams Bowl! Sure the Colts were without Peyton Manning on Sunday for the first time in quite some time, but the thing is, Peyton doesn't play defense! Now sure, with Peyton they keep that Texans offense off the field a little more, but still. Peyton's absence is a bit psychological as well, me thinks, and the Colts need to move on and get going. I still don't have a great read on the Brownies this year, so I am picking the Colts in what will be considered a mild upset. COLTS 24-20

COWBOYS @ 49ERS (+3): This matchup used to be a classic heated rivalry of NFC powerhouses that I wouldn't watch and now it's just a less meaningful game that I won't watch. I kid, but not really. I feel like the Cowboys and the Romosexual will right the ship (delaying Kitna's 2011 debut another week) so to speak and emerge victorious! COWBOYS 23-17

TEXANS @ DOLPHINS (+3): Well, let's see the Phins gave up a crap ton of passing yards on Monday night, and while Matt "Stump the" Schaub is no Tom Brady, he has been known to do some slingin' himself! Also, this week's random fact: Miami's City Manager's name is Tony Crapp, Jr. I'm not even kidding, see for yourself- ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Miami ). I'm guessing he's the mayor's number two? TEXANS 31-20

CHARGERS @ PATRIOTS (-7): This one is a head scratcher of a pick for me. The Chargers did not bowl me over with a ton of confidence in week one, but they're certainly very decent. I'm going out on a limb and saying Brady with his "lubed up (translated: hydrated)" fans cheering him on will not, I repeat, NOT, eclipse 500 yards passing in week two. I also feel like the Bolts will hang around in this one for awhile, but in the end will falter. PATRIOTS 31-21

BENGALS @ BRONCOS (-4.5): This one depends completely on if it's Andy Dalton or B-Grad helming the Bengals offense. Actually, it really doesn't. Broncos 22-16

EAGLES @ FALCONS (+2.5): This one is for the birds! HAHAHAHAH! Birds! Get it?! Both teams have bird names! Pretty sure I'm the first to use that! Alright, enough of that nonsense. Both these teams need to get some better games from their O-lines, and as such this could be the difference in Vick Bowl. So this is more or less a toss up in my book, so I'm going with the hometown team. FALCONS 28-24

RAMS @ GIANTS (-5): When the MNF schedule was revealed for the season, I thought this was an awful choice, because the G-Men were far better than the Rams. Now, I think this is a bad choice because both teams are kind of disppointing, but it could be a close, not good, but close, game. The Rams lost like, every, skill postion player last week, so look for Cleveland Gary to get a bulk of the carries, and Flipper Anderson to be Jim "don't call me Chris" Everett's top target. GIANTS 16-6

That wraps up week two's picks, hope you enjoyed! If you didn't well, too bad. If you have a question for the Bitterness Mailbag, please submit it in the comments section and we'll be sure to read it, probably. And now, of course, your cheese