Division Winners:
Patriots, Steelers, Titans, Chargers, Eagles, Falcons, Packers, and who even cares/ 49ers
Wild Cards, Bitches!:
Ravens, Jets, Saints, Cowboys
AFC Champs: Patriots
NFC Champs: Falcons
Super Bowl Champs: Patriots
MVP: Aaron Rodgers
Offensive Players of the Year
NFC- Rodgers
AFC- Brady (I have no idea why not)
Defensive Players of the Year
NFC- Lawrence Taylor
AFC- Joe Klecko
And that's all I've got right now, I know I jumped out on some limbs here, but whatever, I'm rarely right, so you stick that in your pipe and smoke it, or something.
Alas, without furthe adieu, here are the week one picks, enjoy!
NEW ORLEANS @ GREEN BAY (-4): An epic opening night clash of titans (not to be confused with the Titans)! This battle between the last two NFC, and more importantly Super Bowl Champs, should be a real humdinger, to say the least. Aaron Rodgers was sort of decent last year and while I don't think they will repeat as either the NFC or Super Bowl Champs, A-Rodg and the Cheeseheads will still be a force to be reckoned with, I, um, reckon. But let's be honest folks, I think the big question on everyone's mind is will I wear my Saints Aaron Brooks jersey or my Russ Verba Packers jersey for the game? That's gonna be a game time decision, I think. PACKERS 27-21
COLTS @ TEXANS (-9): Well it's official, Peyton Manning will not start this game and that's all you need to know. I know this is all you need to know, because this is about all I have heard about this game. The most interesting thing, to me, about Peyton missing a game, is the just utter awfulness of some of the backup QBs in the league. I mean, the Colts had to sign one because they had no faith in any of the backups on their roster! And not just anyone, Kerry "Frickin" Collins of all people (See ecstatic Kerry below after getting "the call". Confidence inspring to say the least)! Just off the top of your head, right now, how many backup QBs do you think are competent enough to sucessfully run an offense? Six? Seven? Granted, they are backups and should never have to set foot on the field during a game, unless their team is up by 30 points, down by 30 points or if that team's jokester punter tosses their clipboard on the field, but still, C'MON! Wait, what was I talking about? Colts-Texans? Um, TEXANS 31-24 (that's 8 Colt FGs BTW!) 
PITTSBURGH @ BALTIMORE (-2.5): This has all the makings of a slobberknocker, I think. This is pretty much a coin flip game, I'd say, with the Ravens only being favored cause they are at home. This is just one of those things. The Steelers just find ways to win against the Ravens. Well, unless the Ravens borrow those outlandish helmets the Terrapins donned this past weekend, I think the Steelers pull it out (that's what she said!). STEELERS 17-13
DETROIT @ TAMPA BAY (-1.5): Like many of the games this opening weekend, this one is kind of a tough call for me, mostly because I know relatively little about what these two squads did in the off- or preseason. I'm goin with the Buccaneers, for no other reason than they had a better record last year. At least I think they did, which is pretty much good enough, right? BUCS 21-17.
ATLANTA (-3) @ CHICAGO: I don't think Da Bears are that good, but what the heck do I know, really? That's a rhetorical questions sports fans, so button it! While I really feel the Falcons could very well win the NFC, I have a hunch this will be a rough game where the Bears out play them and get a gutsy win. This will, in turn, cause the Bears bandwagon to gain early, yet pretty much unwarranted, momentum. BEARS 23-21
BUFFALO @ KANSAS CITY (-6): Kansas City could be really good or extraordinarily mediocre. The Bills, are, well, the Bills. At some point, something's gotta gove, right? Right?! I mean they got a Hahavahd QB, how could that possibly go awry? Fitzy does have a cannon, this is for sure, but cannons don't win championships, they win wars...in the 19th century. Anyway, I think most people are just wondering how much the Chefs will win by and I'm here to tell ya it won't be a lot. CHIEFS 13-10
DETROIT @ TAMPA BAY (-1.5): Like many of the games this opening weekend, this one is kind of a tough call for me, mostly because I know relatively little about what these two squads did in the off- or preseason. I'm goin with the Buccaneers, for no other reason than they had a better record last year. At least I think they did, which is pretty much good enough, right? BUCS 21-17.
ATLANTA (-3) @ CHICAGO: I don't think Da Bears are that good, but what the heck do I know, really? That's a rhetorical questions sports fans, so button it! While I really feel the Falcons could very well win the NFC, I have a hunch this will be a rough game where the Bears out play them and get a gutsy win. This will, in turn, cause the Bears bandwagon to gain early, yet pretty much unwarranted, momentum. BEARS 23-21
BUFFALO @ KANSAS CITY (-6): Kansas City could be really good or extraordinarily mediocre. The Bills, are, well, the Bills. At some point, something's gotta gove, right? Right?! I mean they got a Hahavahd QB, how could that possibly go awry? Fitzy does have a cannon, this is for sure, but cannons don't win championships, they win wars...in the 19th century. Anyway, I think most people are just wondering how much the Chefs will win by and I'm here to tell ya it won't be a lot. CHIEFS 13-10
PHILADELPHIA (-5) @ ST.LOUIS: The Eagles are expected to have an explosive offense this year and I would tend to agree with those expectations. The only people out there who think the Rams will win this game are the Rams, their families and Cleveland Gary and even some of them are unsure. They could, COULD, cover the spread, but I just don't see it happening. Iggles 38-21
CINCINNATI @ CLEVELAND (-6.5): At one point, one of these teams will live up to the preseason hype bestowed upon them. Good news is, this year neither team has any sort of hype, so there's really only one way to go (I'll give you a hint, it ain't down) for both squads. One of these teams will most likely be undefeated after this game, sittin' tied atop the AFC North with the Steelers- Ravens victor, so they got that goin' for 'em, which is nice. The Bengals have Andy Dalton at QB. Andy Dalton? Really?! This is the kid on whom's shoulder you have hung your offense, Cincy? Yikes. To be fair, I know very little about Andy Dalton, other than he has a very unitimdating name (sounds like he may try and sell ya real estate) and did not look good in the only preseason footage I saw of him. Even as I write this, with my lack of research, I am not 100% sure Andy is even his actual first name. Browns 17-10
TENNESSEE @ JACKSONVILLE (-2): Okay, so I am not exactly sure why the Jaguars are favored in this game, but again, with my lack of research I may very well find out, come Sunday. Now I am not sure how the eschewing of the Garrard plays into this spread, but with Luke McCown at the helm, well, they might as well have Cade McNown starting, am I right people? Plus the spreads guys realize Chris Johnson will play a little, right? Sure he missed a bunch of preseason whathaveyous, but I think and hope (he's my RB1 in my Fantasy Football League) he fares okay. TITANS 27-17
NEW YORK GIANTS (-3) @ WASHINGTON: I can't say I have a ton of faith in the Redskins, who would pobably be six, or seven, point dogs if this were in the Meadowlands (yeah, can't remember the name of their new stadium) or anywhere else on Earth (probably the solar system, if you wanna go down that path of literal shenanigans). GIANTS 31-13
CAROLINA @ ARIZONA (-7): Not sure about Kevin Kolb running the offense or Beanie Wells as the featured back, but Carolina is, well, just not good, I don't think. CARDINALS 24-16
SEATTLE @ SAN FRANCISCO (-5.5): Remember that time the Seahawks made the playoffs with a losing record? I'm sure the Giants, who went 10-6 but did not make the playoffs, sure do! Remember when the 49ers were a preseason favorite to win the NFC West? Yeah, 2010 was a weird and awful year out in the NFC West. It's definitely conceivable that no one in the division finishes over .500 for the second year in row. Has that ever happened in the 8 division format? In the six division format? Well, here's to another season of futility in the NFC West! NINERS 16-9
MINNESOTA @ SAN DIEGO (-8.5): Are the Vikings supposed to be really bad or are the Chargers supposed to be really good? Cuz I gotta tell ya, I didn't think either until I saw this spread. I mean, the Bolts should be good, but have the Vikings really dropped off that much? They still have Adrian Petersen, right? This may one of those games where I think the spread is outrageous and then once the game concludes I'll be thinking, "OHHHHHH, that's why!" But for now I'm not sold on a Bolts blowout. CHARGERS 28-27
DALLAS @ JETS (-4.5): Kinda wishing neither team wins this one. Rex Ryan has been somewhat quiet, which is interesting, to say the very least. TheCowboys have just seemed to continuously underachieve year after year (which I am all for) and I don't see why this year is any different. Now, say what you will about Tony Romo, the guy did put up decent numbers when healthy. Don't get me wrong I am no fan of TR, but he has been solid for the most part. Now that, that's out of the way I can go back to making fun of him every other week of the season. JETS 31-21
NEW ENGLAND (-7) @ MIAMI: There's just something about this that screams upset. I mean on paper, there's really no way Miami should be in this game at all, but I just have a hunch the Pats will come out flat. Let's face it, they don't always play superbly opening on Monday night. Remember that Buffalo debacle? Leodis McKelvin might. PATRIOTS 27-21
OAKLAND @ DENVER (-3): Remember that Bronco bandwagon everyone jumped on last year? I forget, in what round of the playoffs did they get beat? Uh huh. Anyway, it's another Monday night doubleheader to open the season , which means another west coast game. Has Oakland played in all but one of these since they added the second game? I feel like they're always on the MNF opener for reasons I cannot explain. Well, actually, I'm guessing the reason they don't put, say, a Vikings-Chargers game on is because they know at least half the country's not watching the whole game anyway. I never do, that's for sure! But if it was a marquee game, would I stay up? It's a whole chicken and the egg thing I guess. BRONCOS 42-38
Well, there you have it, your "Bitterness is a Fish You Can Catch Week One Picks", hope you enjoyed and if you didn't, well, I don't care.
And now, your cheese:
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