WEEKEND WORDS OF WONDER

A whole 'nother kind of sports draft:

MAIL TIME!

Alright kids, time to open up another mailbag. Lots to get to, but first and foremost, despite his most recent post, we'd like to wish our good pal billyball a Happy 30-something (not 9!) Birthday! May the Pacifico flow like wine! And now on to the bag!

SUPER BOWL:
Osi U. of New York, NJ asks, "Is it time now to give the Giants some love and respect? The punched the Pats right in their mouth and shocked the world! Give some props!"

Props? What am I Carrot Top? Who by the way is the buffest comedian in all the land. Okay, I will give it to the G-Men they did outplay the Patriots and shock me, and several others I'm sure. I'm still not sold on them or Eli though. I am happy for Syracuse alums David Tyree and Tom Coughlin . More Tyree than Coughlin though. Tyree has inserted himself into Super Bowl lore as part of a just ridonkulous play that really won the game for the Giants in my opinion. And true story, Tom Coughlin, played football at Syracuse University alongside my high school football coach. Now you know.

William S. of Syracuse, NY queries, "What happened to the Patriots out there? How does the best team and quarterback of all time, lose? Weren't they the best of all-time?! Hmmm, hmmm?"

Well, what they did, and I've found it the easiest way to lose, is to score less points than the other team. Works every time. No, but seriously, what happened is the Giants had a game plan and shoved it right down the Patriots' throats. But the odd thing was Beli-cheat uncharacteristically did not seem to adjust during the game. And what was with going for it on 4th and 13? C'mon! Really when it comes down to it, the Pats went old school for us longtime fans. Back to a time when a true Boston (and yes I realize the Pats don't play in Boston, but believe it or not, Boston is in New England) fan would be nervous throughout and have no doubt that their squad would blow it, more than likely, in heartbraking fashion (see Red Sox of '67, '76, '78, '86, and '03). It's good for some Boston "fans" though, because it stands to maybe, just maybe, take 'em down a peg and lower that false sense of superiority, if at least for a couple weeks. How 'bout them Celtics?!

Bud W of St. Luois, MO wants to know, "The game was good, I suppose, but how about them commercials? I personally was a bit disappointed. Did you have any favorites?"

Couldn't agree more. And I won't. I'll agree just the same. It seems to me that every year the advertisements that air during the big game get worse and worse. I mean there are still some funny ones out there, be they seem to appear less than the good old days. Even Anheuser-Busch, which has virtually unbearable product, but unlimited commercial funds, seemed not up to snuff. Like I said there were a few winners, like the screaming animals (that's always gold) and the Matt Hasselback, "That's when I knew I hadn't made it". The one with JT (Justin Timberlake for those who are confused) was alright. I didn't quite get it, but blows to a man's crotch are always good for a few laughs, especially if he used to be in a boy band, am I right? I did like the Barkley Fav Five ad and also the Planters ad where the homely woman used Planters peanuts as a perfume. Also the giant carrier pigeons were alright I suppose.

SUPER TUESDAY
Barack O. of the DC area inquires, "Did you vote and if so for who? Or are you one of those people who doesn't want anyone to know who they voted for?"

Well, I, of course, voted for Ralph Nader. I, for one, think he is overdue. I'm just kidding, I didn't vote. Alright, alright, settle down and let me explain, before you go all America on my ass. I didn't vote, because as you know, "Bitterness" recently moved and as a result was caught in a tough spot of not being able to get a New York absentee ballot, nor register in the Commonwealth. So there! But it seems that Ralphie did just fine without me. Actually I probably would've gone McCain because he speaks to the conservative nature of this blog. But as long as you brought it up, I don't understand why people are so afraid to tell others who they voted for. I mean, do you not stand by your candidate? What are you embarassed?! You hang your head high and tell the world when you vote for Dennis Kucinich! If anyone can make the moon the 51st state it's him!

SUPER ENTERTAINMENT:
I know you're not big on the Grammy's, but what about the Oscars? Have you even seen any nominated films?

Have I seen any nominated films? Hmm, that depends, was Wild Hogs nominated for anything? I do not get out to the movies as much as I used to, but have managed to see two of the five films nominated for best picture. I saw Michael Clayton and No Country For Old Men and enjoyed both. Out of those two I would pick No Country as the better film though. But what do I know, I'm still waiting for someone to drop Gung Ho special edition DVD on us. Although, I would almost guarantee Juno won't win Best Picture. I do want to see this and am sure it is awesome, but it feels a bit like this year's Little Miss Sunshine. Good, but without enough firepower to win the chocolate filled statue. Okay, one more Oscar related note: If I were Cate Blanchett, well, I'd be rich and famous for one. Oh, but besides that, I'd be like, "Hey let's just shoot enough for like eight Elizabeth movies and release one each year." That's like a guaranteed eight straight nominations right there! Am I right?

Byron B. from Newport Beach, CA has this, "Once again, the rumors of an Arrested Development movie are floating around, what are the odds of this happening and is it a good idea?"

No, it's not a good idea. It's a great idea! Mitch Hurwitz is awesome, Less than Perfect notwithstanding. I mean aside from Arrested, he also wrote for the Golden Girls, Empty Nest and Nurses. C'mon he's written for all the greats, Rue McClanaghan, Richard Dreyfus, David "Stop calling me Joe Isuzu" Leisure! The list goes on. I know, I know the fear is there's a chance this will ruin the original product. After all they pulled a Costanza and went out on a high note. At least with fans of the show that is. But there are those who feel the only way to go is down. But I say, it'll give us AD deprived fans some life again. Plus when the droves of hard core fans show up to see it, Fox will see how stupid it really is and probably begin production on Are You Smarter than a Redneck" the Movie. And I, for one, can't wait.

HOOPS AND HOCKEY:

Tony A. of Hingham, MA offers this up, "Has the move to Boston gotten any sort of hockey fever going inside you? The Bruins are playing pretty decent and the Beanpot has been in full swing, will we see any sort of hockey posts in the near future?

The Beanpot is exciting, I think. But I haven't paid much attention to it. I do know the final is possibly on Monday night? As far as the Bruins go, I have caught a few snippits here and there and am more interested in the NHL than I have been in the last ten years, probably. That's not saying a whole heck of a lot though. I may even watch their All-Star game. What? Oh, it already happened? Eh, oh well. Now just to be clear, I am no fair weather fan when it comes to anything. I just don't really follow that much hockey, but the Bruns always have been and always will be my squad in the NHL. Followed a close second by the Blackhawks and then, of course, by the Whalers and the Winnipeg Jets.

Richard V. of Clichetown, CT inquires, "When are we gonna get the March Madness stuff, baby?!"

Probably in March? You probably mean when am I gonna post about the NCAA Hoops scene? Well, it is in the offing, I think. As I am not 100% sure what, "in the offing" means? But I am looking to dive into the college hoops scene very soon. But hey, you know this is my busy time of year, cut me some slack! What if I helped ease your pain by letting you know, this year we are introducing the very first "Bitterness is a Fish You Can Catch Final Fork"? Intrigued? Good!

That about wraps the bag up for this week, but I'd like to end on sort of a somber note. This past week, my grandmother passed away. Now, truth be told, we really lost her a few years ago. You see old age wreaked some major havoc on her mind and she was unable to recognize or remember those she loved. This is not going to be a big long eugoogliy or anything, I just thought I'd share two quick stories.

You see my grandmother loved baseball, especially the Red Sox, and I still remember watching games with her all the time. Whether it was on her 13 inch black and white or at my house on the big color tv. You see, she would come and stay with me when my parents were away at conferences and conventions, when I was little. We watched many a Red Sox game together, but there is one that will always stick out in my mind. I was probably nine or ten at the time, and my parents were away, so my grandma was watching me, and the Sox. Now the specifics of the game are a little blurry. But I seem to recall the game being against the Angels on a Friday night. In this particular game the Red Sox balked in the winning run. Grandma and I looked at each other quizzically. Neither of us was entirely sure what, exactly, a balk was. Sure they showed replays and tried to explain, but for a little scamp and his grandmother, it was still hard to understand. So we went to sleep, not fully grasping how the Red Sox had managed to lose the game. Well, first thing in the morning, my grandma was on the horn (pre-internets) to my Uncle David, inquiring about this "balk" thing, knowing her grandson was deseparate for answers. Well Uncle David was not much mroe informed than the two of us, so we had to wait for my dad to return with the answers we were seeking. Now, to this day, I still can't really spot a balk, but every time I see one called I think of my grandma and that particular game, many years ago.

Okay the second story is not quite as long, but is much more chilling and absolutely true. I was informed of my grandmother's passing on Monday night. Tuesday I headed off to work at my retail job. I happened to be helping this mother and her daughters. After a bit of helping, I find out the two daughters' names are Emma and Paige. The hairs on my neck proceeded to stand on end. My late grandmother's name is Emma Paige. If I weren't right there, I wouldn't have believed it myself.

This post is dedicated to Emma Paige, 1921-2008

ROUNDOFFS-THE OTHER, OTHER, WHITE MEAT

Whoooo! It's good to be back, baby! Where to begin, where to begin? So much time and so little to do. Wait a minute. Strike that. Reverse it. Must move forward. Must move forward. On with the show:

BASEBALL:
Ozzie Guillen came out and said that Major League Baseball is unfairly targeting Latinos in their steroids investigation. Well sure, the Latinos have been in the forefront of the investigation. You know Latinos like:

Mark McGwire




Jason Giambi




Barry Bonds




and Gary Sheffield




Was he on Miami Vice?

Sheffield, by the way, was quoted in GQ as saying there were more Latinos in baseball, because they are easier to control than blacks. Pfft! Clearly Gary has never met my houseboy Miguel. Although, since there are more Latinos in baseball, wouldn't it stand to reason that more Latinos would be targeted? And in any event it'snot like MLB can reallyfind anything anyways? The way this investigation is going there's a better chance of the U.S. government finding Osama and or WMDs....One Latino who is not being targeted is Tony Bautista, who is currently on the Nationals roster. Many thought Bautista was dead, but he has proven those skeptics wrong, by not only being alive, but also still playing baseball! Way to go Tony.....Another Latino still playing is none other than El Guapo himself, Rich Garces. Garces is pitching relief for the Nashua Pride, and he's as jolly as ever. In fact, July 26th is El Guapo Bobble Belly Day at Holman Stadium, so mark your calendars! Speaking of bobbleheads.....How 'bout that Shane Victorino bobblehead:




Meanwhile in the Bronx....the Yankees thought they'd found a southpaw for the bullpen.



But it fell through when he wouldn't shave his sideburns.
...or anything else.

And in the WTF category:


What kind of jersey is that?!


REALITY TV
This crap is getting just plain out of hand. So out of hand it's taken over baseball! Yes baseball! Just look at Mississippi Braves skipper Phil Wellman practicing some moves for So You Think You Can Dance:



I even think I know who Phil's choreograhper is:






I am however, ecstatic that they've finally found a format for Christian Okoye. Of course, for Pirate Master, I think I would tried to get a true Buccaneer, like Eric Rhett.....A reality show I have been watching is The Next Best Thing, which is a competition for celebrity impersonators. The best ones so far have been the Bush impersonators. But the big news is, by watching this show, I also found out Jeffrey Ross is a "Bitterness" reader. You see when they dismiss them, they use some punny little comment like a bad impersonation of Mary Tyler Moore, garnered a, "That was Mary Tyler Less." Anyways, a bad impersonation had Jeffrey Ross saying, "That was worthy of an Academy Award....a Police Academy Award." A Police Academy Award? Where could he have gotten that from? Perhaps here? Hmmm?

ENTERTAINMENT?
Apparently Rosie O'Donnell is being considered to replace Bob Barker as the host of The Price is Right. What the "F"! This is down right blasphemy! I don't even know if they should keep the show going without Bobby. I think we know my thoughts on Rosie, c'mon! I think we all know that if they are going to keep the show going it could only be with one person. Am I right? That's right folks,I'm speaking of the one and only......Alan Thicke.


Although that suit may clash with the Price is Right set, I dunno. If Thicke doesn't get that, I'm still avidly writing to VH1 to have an Alan Thicke reality show, possibly called "In the Thicke of Things" or "The Thicke of it All". I'd watch, that's all I'm saying.


OTHER NEWS:
Paris Hilton went to jail, while Rosie O'Donnell still walks the streets. Spurs win another championship (yawn.). The Mighty Ducks win the Stanley Cup, but still no retro jerseys from the original Mighty Ducks movie. The best network you're not watching...Lifetime! Bill Bellamy may have one of the best managers around. The guy's everywhere and still without any discernible talent! Alright that's it I'm Audi 5000, y'all!

ROUNDOFFS-FEATURING PLAYOFF BEARDS

Egads, it's been half a fortnight since the last new post here at "Bitterness", and while we've had longer posting droughts, we are hoping to at least have one fresh post a week, as our pledge to you, our loyal readers. And that was the longest sentence in the history of "Bitterness". You are now part of history. But enough of that foolishness, on with the show! It's "Roundoff" time, once again, and we do not care for any pro gymnasts, or anti-guymnasts for that matter, to tell us the true meaning of the "roundoff". No thank you! It's what we say it is, and it's when the Oompa Loompas in Willy Wonka do those little half cartwheel, half somersault things. Bill, you were there. Speaking of Bill, he likes hockey, and as luck would have it, the NHL Playoffs are in full swing and.......




The Sabres just may be the team to beat in the Prince of Wales Conference. And much like a proposed bill in Congress, they will have to go through the Senators. And what a front line they present. Kerry, Obama, Clinton? You kidding me? Although Hillary's playoff beard has not really grown in so, well, advantage Sabres. But seriously, the boys from Buffalo are exciting to watch and the tension between the Sabres and the Senators is palpable, I think? But I'm definitely in the Sabres corner, and I think they should be able to do it, if they stick to their guns and wear throwback jerseys. It's the only way to resurrect the spirits of Darren Puppa and dale Hawerchuk. Not that they're dead, they just don't play anymore. Just face facts Senators fans, Alexei Yashin is not walkin through that door, deal with it! Here are some playoff beards to ease the pain of that last statement.












While it's very easy to get caught in the majesty of playoff beards, we mustn't forget that this is one of the greatest times of the year for movies. Kids are out of school so movie studios will blast us with special effects and big name stars at every corner. There are so many movies that we here at "Bitterness" want to see and have high hopes for, that it seems almost implausible, though not impossible, that they'll live up to the hype. But in a summer full of blockbusters, we want to take this time to endorse a nice little, low budget indie film, that won't get much press or publicity, and thus needs the help of us here at "Bitterness". Now it's a movie that should speak to any male of my generation, for sure. This little film that can, is, none other than Transformers. Who doesn't love robots, right? And robots that turn into cars or other things, like cassette players? Sounds great. I mean they obviously have a low budget, as they signed that Even Stevens kid to act in it. Well, since there will be very few ads or promotions found about this film, we took the liberty of finding some exclusive shots from the movie set, for your viewing pleasure, enjoy:












Oh man, I cannot wait for Voltron and Thundercats! But there really are a lot of movies the staff at "Bitterness" are itching to see this summer, and we're not just talking about Spiderman the Third: At World's Order of the Pheonix Ultimatum, no, no. This is the summer for lovable tv stars to rock the box office. Well "rock" may not be accurate. How 'bout, will at least do fair in theaters and develop a cult following later? But if you're wondering what I'm blabbing about, check out what I mean, here. No, don't adjust your monitors, my talents have been noticed once again and I am now a contributor on yet another blog. Don't be alarmed, this will in not affect the quality of "Bitterness" in any way, shape or form. Speaking of form....


That Barry Bonds sure likes he's in midseason form.....for a 28 year-old. And he can deny using performance enhancers all he wants, but we'll never believe him one bit. In fact we have some pretty damning evidence. Many don't know that Mr. Bonds was on the hit TV game show Match Game in 1998. Now they will never air this episode again, so if you didn't catch it, you missed out, but we were able to unearth the transcript from the show in question.

Paul Boland: Suzy complained that she has very little time to get to the gym. The only way she stays in shape is with a lot of blanking.

Boland: Okay let's go to Barry Bonds and see what he put down. Barry?
Barry: HGHing?
Boland: Oooh. I'm sorry, that's not a match, and may not be an actual term.

Later in the show.....
Boland: Well, Larry, very unfortuantely, you've been paired with Barry Bonds to help you go for the big bucks. If you can match the number one audience answer you'll win some big money. Now although Barry has been nowhere near matching anyone today, you still have a shot. So here we go, Larry and Barry.....the first part is....STAIR_____.

Larry: Well?
Boland: Let's see. Well is the number two audience answer. Barry?
Barry: Roid?
Boland: Stair..roid? Hmmm? Okay, that wasn't on the board Barry, but Larry, you still walk away with a good chunk of cash! See you next time.

Bonds was never asked back.

If that's not enough, how about we use our newest technological advancement the Future Machine. We are currently the only blog that can look into the future and see what people will look like down the road. So we put Barry's picture into the Future Machine and this is what Barry will look like in 10 years:



Compared to a nice wholesome Jon Kitna, whose only performance enhancer is milk, ten years from now:

What a ruggedly handsome Christian.

Well, that it's it for this edition of "Roundoffs". Hope you enjoyed and be good out there.

NFL DRAUGHT

Yes, that's right folks with the NFL Draft just days away, and our drinking game alraedy out there, it's time to roll out the very first "Bitterness is a Fish You Can Catch NFL Draught"! Now this is a mainly beer-ish menu, so you won't find a Merlot Olsen, a Donald "Screw"-Driver, a Jeff Jaeger-meister, or a Sex on the Pat Beach. So here it is, drink it in.


DARK ALES:
THE JOEY PORTER- This robust beverage, is dark, rich and quite the heavy hitter. It's an all out blitz of the taste buds, so look out!

JERRY PORTER-This is a smoother porter than the Joey, but just as dark and rich. It is not quite as unreserved as the Joey either, but does have some kick. Perfect for the refrigerator raider, looking for a dark drink after a long day at the office.

KNUTE BROWN- Here's another delectable dark beer, you'll want to drink for the gipper. It really rock-nes!

OATMEAL STOUT-MIRE- You can rest assured, this one is, stout, on taste. Hahaha. Take your time and savor this one. Plus it's Wilford Brimley approved, as it's like drinking a bowl of Quaker Oats.

PALE AND BELGIAN ALES:
I.P.A.IKMAN- This is the star of our pale ales, so cowboy-up if you think you can handle it! It's an aromatic and classy choice, worthy of it's namesake.

PALE ALE DEL GRECO- Let me tell you, this is an Ale with some kick! This is a must try for every ale lover out there.

I.P.A.-KERS- While it is not as strong as the Pale Ale Del Greco, it can give you a good ol' kick in the pants, and make you soar.

I.P.YA.- A tittle-ating ale full of flavor and alcohol content. So watch out my friends, cause this drink is in the Hall of Fame.

AMBEUR-LEIN ALE- This light brown pale ale is very modest when it comes to hoppiness, but will overpower you with deliciousness.

FLEMISH RHETT- A mildly strong "beer" known for its reddish-brown color, it has a distinct fruity and yet acidy taste. But don't be fooled by the fruity taste, it can buc' ya after a while.

MINTER WARMER- Only served seasonally in the cold of winter, it is a wonderfully spiced beverage, that'll warm ya through and through.

WHEAT BEERS:
DANNY WHITE BEER- Not a drink that'll really overpower you, this is a nice drink for a laid back night at home with your significant other.

APRICOT WHEAT-LEY- For those looking to branch out in their drinking, this is a good place to start. Not to strong and a bit fruity, if you're into that thing. These are not words we would use to describe this beverages namesake , however.

DERON CHERRY WHEAT- One of our personal favorites! A chief staple at any good party, this is a sweet and refreshing beer, that is great for any occassion! Plus it's good for you, cause it has fruit!

HEFEWEIZEN-DEJAS- Kick it up a notch with this German wheat beer that'll have you drunk and in lederhosen in no time. This one is straight through the uprights!

And coming soon... the Ted Bel-Ginn White

LAGERS:
THE BRIAN UR-LAGER- As tenacious as the linebacker it's named for, it'll be no, bear, getting it down. We're dubbing this lager "The New Monster of the Midway."

JEFF LAGER-MAN- A dry lager for you jet-setters out there. It's cheap and delicious, and lager than life! Perfect for cookouts, barbecues or any gathering, really.

TY LAW-GER- You'll have to man-up if you're gonna take down this potent lager, worthy of the patriots of yore.

BOCKS:
DOPPELBOCK HUARD- A strong drink, not to be taken lightly. It has a huskiness about it, that'll have you coming back for more.

HASSELL-BOCK- This one is a strong and underrated beverage. It is stronger the Bock Huard, so it's no sissy drink, that's for sure.

BOCK-BERLIN- This one is not one of your better bocks, in fact it's really like a mere quarter-bock, when compared to the others.

LAMBICS AND MORE:
CRANBERRY LAMBIC-KETT- Duane should be proud to have his name on this lambic, as it is a delight! If you like cranberries, that is.

BLACKBERRY LAMBIC-KERT- This may be the only of it's kind, but it's as dark as the Raiders uniform worn by Mr. Bickert.

BLACK AND SURTAIN- If you like your half-and-halfs, than you'll love our black and tan offering.

MATT BAHR-LEY WINE- This has the most "kick" of any beverage on here, so lookout! It'll only take a couple of these to get your evening off to a right proper start.

BOBBY HE-BEER- (pronounced, ay-beer)- This is a cajun beer, pretty new to most of the world, so very few beerists would even know about it. But, by gumbo, it's a delicious, fiery, and yet saintly, brew. It's here, because he haven't figured out where to group it just yet.

Well there you have it, the first "Bitterness is a Fish You Can Catch NFL Draught." Hope you enjoyed.

HERE COMES THE DRAFT, NOW DRINK!

The NFL Draft is nearly upon us, which means it's time to role out the "Bitterness is a Fish You Can Catch" NFL Draft Drinking Game. The NFL Draft is by far the most watched draft of any major sport and garners many males to waste a Saturday sitting in front of the television set, watching video of college players and people stepping up to, and onto, a podium. It's a long day and really you're probably not gonna care about 97% of the picks. That may even be high, but luckily we're here to liven things up for you. Now of course these are more or less just suggestions to get started, and you can sure as heck, add, or modify any of these to your own liking.

ONE SWIG:
--Anytime an announcer at the draft uses the word "upside". Usually this just means that they think very little of the player, but don't want he or his family to feel bad. Here's an example: "He's not very mobile and has a questionable arm, but this quarterback has a big upside!" There is no actual film or comments to back this statement up, it's just believed to be true, because someone on television said it.

--Everytime the team on the clock brings the clock down to under a minute before selecting.

--Anytime anyone thanks God. This may or may not happen a lot.

--Separate the room into offense and defense. The offensive guys drink everytime an offensive guy is drafted and, obviously, the defensive guys will drink for every defensive guy drafted.

--Whenever Chris Berman throws out a Bermanism or one of his clever nicknames like Brady Quinn, Medicine Woman or Justin Harrell and Maude.

--Anytime Joe Theismann speaks and you have not a clue as to what he is talking about. (By the way, I don't know who, exactly, is covering the draft for the Worldwide Leader in Sports, so these may not apply.)

--Anytime they show the lame promo that will feature severall of the projected first round picks, spinning footballs, and generally looking manly.

-- Here's a fun one, similar to a power hour. Drink a shot, or sip of, beer, every minute your team is on the clock. Being a Patriots fans, I could be drinking a lot, as they have the 24th and 28th pick. That's like half a power hour right there kids!


TWO SWIGS:
-- Everytime they show you a war room or mention "the war room"

-- Anytime current NFL players speak during the event.

-- You could have everyone separately, or as a group, pick a conference and drink evertime someone from that conference is selected.

--Whenever they compare a draftee to a current or former NFL Player, like "Many think so-and-so is like Tony Eason with talent." "This kid's being touted as the next Jon Kitna." You know, stuff like that.

--Everytime a lineman is drafted. You could also up the ante and make it only offensive linemen, but then you'd probably have to up the drinkage as well.

--Any sort of combine footage.

--Anytime they mention a draft bust, like Akili Smith, David Klingler, or Ki-Jana Carter. Seriously, who was running those Bengals' drafts? A trained monkey smoking a cigarette?

-- Anytime consecutive picks play the same position.

--Anytime the announcing team all enjoy a little chuckle at something one of them said.

THREE-FOUR SWIGS:
--Anytime they flashback to a previous NFL Draft

--Anytime the announcers, especially Mel Kiper, are surprised by a selection.

--Anytime the player gets up to go to the podium and their suit or attire, generates an honest to God, "Damn" or a "Whoa!" from the room you are in.

--Anytime a player is drafted who has two capital letters in his first name, like JaMarcus or LaRon.

--Anytime a pick happens and you don't see it, because the announcers are still talking and they have to then catch you up on what you missed.

----When it gets towards the end of the first round and they start showing those last poor soul in the green room, wondering where and when he will get drafted. You can do a couple things here, like drink everytime they show him, or, drink for every pick (from when he becomes the last player in attendance) that goes by until he is selected.

HALF A DRINK:
-Anytime someone from your local school or area is drafted. You could switch this up and have everyone in the room drink when someone from their alma mater is drafted, if this can carry the game. Meaning if, like me, you'll be in a room with a bunch of dudes who attended a college that did not have a football team, you may want to go with the area or local college thing, and not the alma mater. Play around with it, make it your own.

-- Everytime the crowd boos.

--Anytime a trade takes place.

--Any first round pick who is not in attendance to go up to the podium

-- Anytime Berman says something that honestly makes you laugh, because it's funny and not because he's an idiot.

WHOLE DRINK:
--Everytime a placekicker or punter is selected. This, you may need to carry over into the second day, but who knows.

--The person announcing the picks (Goodell maybe?) badly mispronounces a name.

--Anytime "gunslinger" or "riverboat gambler" is uttered by the announcing team.

--Anytime someone mentions that Brady Quinn's second cousin is Zachery Ty Bryan, aka, "Brad" from Home Improvement. True story. Or that he was born in Dublin, Ohio the home of Wendy's. Quinn, not Bryan. Either one's gold. GOLD, I tell ya!

--Anytime the clock expires and someone loses a pick.

--Everytime Joe Theismann says something intelligent.

-- And of course anytime they mention Shockey.

There you have it, plenty of stuff to get you started, but remember drink responsibly.

MAIL CALL

Yes folks, it has been quite some time since we've answered your questions and the mailbag runneth over. But not even the WNBA Draft would keep us from answering our readers' questions. So here we go:

SWEET, SWEET FANTASY
Jeremy R of Hingham, MA asks, "Hey, am I mistaken or didn't you have a fantasy hockey team? I thought we'd get some hockey blogs, what ever happened to that?"

Well, Jeremy, you are correct. I did have a fantasy hockey team for the first time in almost 5 years, in hopes it would get me more involved with the NHL, and therefore have more hockey posts. But, alas, it could not hold my attention for very long. I stopped keeping track of my team, Bourque Chops, shortly after Kwanzaa. However I did recently see that I finished 9th out of ten teams. Not too shabby I feel. At least it wasn't last place, right? So the experiment did not work and I now know no more about profesional hockey than I did when the season began, but maybe next year, who knows?

Brad K of Lima, OH writes, "Hey, just drafted my fantasy teams and wanted to know how your fantasy draft(s) went and how you feel about the upcoming season?"

Well Brad, I have indeed drafted my two teams, down from four last year. I feel pretty good about my drafts in both leagues. One league has twelve teams so it goes pretty deep. I was in a league with most of these souls last year and dismally finished in last place, so I'm looking for a big turn around this year. My sqaud, currently named Smiling Politely, is very balanced and I like my chances. A lot of guys will look for the homerun guys, but I'm all about solid hitters and pitching. My pitching staff is solid with Johan Santana, Jason Schmidt and Freddy Garcia at the top, Nate Robertson, Justin Verlander and Jon Garland as the solid middle and Jason Jennings and Woody Williams to round out the starters. Bullpen is a tad shaky with "The Big Pear" Armando Benitez and Chad Cordero, who's save chances rely on the Nationals actually having a lead in the ninth inning. But, we do have Joe Nathan, so things aren't all bad. The hitting could be really good or just mediocre, with guys like Sheffield, Hafner and Nomar leading the way. Our steals so far have to be Aubrey Huff, Chris Duncan and Ronny Paulino.

Now in the other league, there are only eight teams, like last year. Last year I finished third in the regular season, but tore through the playoffs to win the whole effing thing! Now, since this league is not that deep, it's hard to tell how good my team really is. But I have Manny Ramirez and Big Papi, with Miguel Tejada, Chase Utley and Andruw Jones, and that seems like a pretty solid hitting squad, but who knows? Oh the current name, cause I know you're all wondering, is the Sultans of Squat.

FORGET FANTASY, WE'RE TALKING BASEBALL:
Gil M of Kansas City, MO writes, "The burning questions were good and all, but where's the baseball predictions? Are the Royals headed in the right direction?

Well, Gil, let me answer your questions in the opposite order. The Royals are not good. They have some young talent in the lineup, like Alex Gordon and Mark Teahan, so yes they may be headed in the right direction for the future, even with all that money they through at the 55 million dollar man Gil Meche.

Now, to your first question, the predictions. Here ya go:
AL EAST: The Jays could surprise some teams, but it's still a two horse race between the Yanks and Sawx. Look for the BoSawx to finally take away that stranglehold the Yanks have had on the division. cause Carl Pavano doesn't scare me.

AL CENTRAL: I liked the Indians to bounce back this year, even before they blew out the ChiSox on Opening Day. They've added a "Bitterness" fav, in Trot Nixon, which should add some solid hitting to an already dangerous lineup. That being said, it's hard to go against the Tigers. They won the American League Pennant last year and added the still dangerous Gary Sheffield to that lineup. It's all about pitching so the Tiggers will take it this year, but it won't be easy, as it could be a very tight four team race. I'm still taking Leyland and the Tigers.

AL WEST: I really don't see anyone overtaking the Angels in the West, but it may be a bit closer than most think. The Rangers, Mariners and A's could prove pesky, but they all have way more flaws than the Angels. Even the A's, who normally have a rotation of studs pitching, now have Dan Haren, Rich Harden and Joe Blanton. I'm not sold on anyone, but Harden, but he'll need to stay healthy, which has proved troublesome thus far in is major league career.

NL EAST: This is more wide open than most think. The Mets dominated this division last year, but have major pitching issues. Of course they can probably outslug anyone else in the league. The Phillies seem stronger, but that bullpen is still iffy, as we saw on opening day. The Braves have retooled after not winning the division for the first time since realignment, and have a bullpen that is as as good as they get. I wouldn't sleep on the Marlins either, with the strong young arms they bolster. I like the Mets to win the division again, barely.

NL CENTRAL: The Cardinals are the defending World Champions, but remember, they were that close to losing the division. Their pitching staff is not nearly as good as it was last year, and I still contend Chris Carpenter is overrated. I think the Astros, Cubs and Brewers could be dangerous to the Cards. I feel that the Brewers could be last years Tigers, especially if Ben Sheets pitches like he did on Opening Day. I mean they may not capture the pennant, but they could be playoff bound.

NL WEST: Still a weak division, but the Rockies and D-Backs have some hot young talent, that make them exciting to watch, but it's the Dodgers division to lose in our minds. They have the best pitching, combined with a decent lineup. Of course, don't discount the Padres, who more or less won the division the last two years by default, but also have strong pitching.

AL Division winners: Boston, Detroit, Anahiem
Wild Card: Royals (just kidding), Indians
NL Division Winners: Mets, Brewers, Dodgers
Wild Card: Phillies

ALCS: Sawx over Anahiem
NLCS: Dodgers over Mets

World Series: Sawx over Dodgers

Ben A of Hollywood, CA asks, "What do think of Matsuzaka Mania? Is he the real deal? How 'bout the red Sox moves in the offseason?"
Well Ben, I usually don't buy into hype, so I'll wait until he does something, before I really know what to think. He should be very good this year, much like Hideo Nomo was when he was a rookie. The question is, will the hitters figure him out after a while, like they did with Nomo? Well, for one, I hate, and always have hated JD Drew, while I loved Trot, so obviously I was not too pleased, with that move, even though Drew can hit. Overall the moves should turn out to be good. I mean obviously it was a big disappointment to lose out in the Gil Meche race, but hopefully it'll turn out for the best.

HOOPS:
Harold A. of, well, it just said overseas, asks "Where's the tournament recap? Did you win or what?"

Well Harold, I did in fact win the first annual, "Diet Mr. Pibb Bitterness is a Fish You Can Catch Men's Basketball Tournament Challenge". And a "thank you" to all three who entered. Surprisingly the second place bracket set was named, "Who's Coming in Second?" Of course the answer was, well, them. I was happy to have picked three of the Final Four teams, though. I did put a bracket in one pool, where I picked the higher seed in each and every game, and I won that pool. Making this, one sad tournament.

POLITICS:
Ross P, from Texarkana, TX wonders, "Who is your horse for United States President? It seems that some of your fellow bloggers have started backing people, but nothing from you yet. Who do ya like?

Well, this could be one of the tightest primary races in recent memory. There's a lot of parity now in the world of politics and seeing as Barack Obama has recently upped his campaign monies to compete against Hillary, there's no telling what could happen. I mean you've got someone looking to become the first Afro-American president and someone looking to become the first female president. My one problem with Obama is his name. Now it seems cool, but isn't it a bit too close to Osama? When it comes down to the actual election, I will more than likely vote for Ralph Nader. Just kidding. I'll probably, be backing whichever Democrat makes it to the show. As for the primaries, I'm still undecided. But while we're on the subject of the election, I just want to get something off my chest. I'm tired of people saying more people vote on American Idol than for President of the United States. Okay first of all, you don't have to be eighteen to vote for AI. and B) people can vote more than once, from their computer or phone, no less. The argument is ridiculous! Of course this has to mean it is only a matter of time before you can vote for the Prez on your home computer or via text message. It just seems logical. I mean isn't trekking down to your local elementary school cafeteria to vote getting to be a chore? I mean if they're gonna do that, at least have some nuggets and ice cream scoops of mashed potatoes available, c'mon!

That's it for the mailbag this time, I'll leave you with this:
What does President Bush have in common with the Washington Nationals pitching staff?
Neither seems to be able to get people out. (Get it? Cause Bush can't get our troops out of the Middle East and the Nationals are awful at getting batters out.) Always a good joke, when you have to explain it. I guess when the Saints drafted Reggie Bush, and we said, "Finally a Bush that'll try and help New Orleans." was a bit better. You've been a wonderful audience, goodnight and godspeed!

MAIL CALL!

It has been TOO long since we answered our readers mail, and the bag is over flowing! So, let's hit it!


HOOP-LA!
Javen B. of Schenectady, NY writes....Where the heck is the college hoops?! I need predictions and answers to help me lose money come March! Is this year gonna be the return of the MAAC or what?

Don't worry my friend, the college hoops posts are on the way! You can look forward to many idiotic predictions and useless knowledge about college hoops coast to coast and extending to Hawaii. The MAAC is always a threat come March, but it's a one team conference, come Selection Sunday. I like Marist, as my usual pony, Iona is well, not good. But don't count the Gaels out, as anything can happen in March, that's why it's called March Madness and not March Status Quo. But Jared Jordan should lead the Red Foxes to the Big Dance, and we're okay with that. JJ's a stud and they could be trouble in the first round if they get a favorable matchup. That's what it's all about.

Dickie V. of Dukeville, USA says: HOW 'BOY THEM DUKIES?! THEY'VE GOT SOME PLUCK IN 'EM, BABY! NO JJ REDICK, NO PROBLEM! COACH K IS AN INSPIRATION AND GENIUS, BABY! HE'S GOT SOME REAL P-T-PERS! WATCH OUT FOR THE DUKIES!

Okay, not sure why it had to be in all caps, but anyways... We here at "Bitterness" were honestly looking forward to Duke-free tournament, but sadly they have been able to put together a little run and are all but a lock for the Big Dance, given their "prestige" and whatnot. But the only ACC team "Bitterness" will be pulling for is the Wahoos. That's right Virginia, baby! I know it's a cavalier thought, but we like their style.

ECP SEAL OF APPROVAL!
ECP writes.....In response to Souper Bowl I," You're a genius!"

Ah, praise from Caesar....salad. Zing! Anyways, glad you approve, my friend. Your praise is greatly appreciated. We know you'll be looking forward to the upcoming March Madness Diner As for you, thanks for your continued support, keep on truckin'!


AWARDS SEASON:
William Herbert S. of Syracuse, NY asks.....with the Oscars come and gone, I was wondering what your thoughts were on some of the big awards?


While I do like movies, I don't tend to have much knowledge about those movies that have "Oscar buzz". I generally don't pay much attention to the awards shows, because they are just another reason for celebrities to get all gussied up and talk about each other. Well, while I could Babel on for pages and pages about my problems with these awards shows, I will just put on a smile and be Little Miss Sunshine. Now I won't pretend that I know what I'm talking about like I'm the Queen, or king of everything Oscar. Now I'm sure Dirty Harry did a great job with Letters From Iwo Jima, but well, let's just say, I'm bit Departed from the whole subject. I mean especially, since quality movies like The Burbs, Gung-Ho, Uncle Buck, and My Blue Heaven have gone without Oscar nominations. Sorry they weren't artsy enough for you Academy! Um, yeah Babel seems like the favorite for Best Picture, but the only one I've seen is Little Miss Sunshine and it was phenomenal. So we were pulling for the Little Miss Sunshine that could! If you want to know something about Oscars, than this is the place.

Steve G. from Long Island, NY writes: I gotta say this year's Oscar blog was not as good as The Police Academy Awards last year. What happened?

Well Steve, I'll be honest we were not quite sure how much mileage we could get out of the Police Academy Awards. We weren't sure if it come off as funny or just weak and lazy, if we, once again resorted to the same "bit" a year later? But for those who missed it or just really loved it, or who just what Guttenburg topless, and you know who you are, here's another look at the Police Academy Awards. Also look for the upcoming Willies and Salt City Saul's, Salties.

80S BASEBALL:
Tom E. from Clearwater, FL asks: How could you leave off the Crime Dog, Fred McGriff from your 80s Baseball All-Black team? In seems like one of the biggest travesties, in the history of travesties! Explain yourself!

Well, Tom be happy to. So, stop throwing baseballs into trash recepticals and listen up. We have nothing against the Crime Dog, but we felt that there were several reasons he was left off. 1) He was too good. Most of the players on the team, you may have noticed, were not as prominent as the Crime Dog. 2) He's still pretty fresh in the mind of most people, who aren't obsessed with 80s baseball players, seeing how he has played in the majors in this century. In other words not as obscure to the 80s baseball layperson. And 3) He is more of 90s player, in our mind. I mean you could've just as easily asked, where's Cecil Fielder, who also played first base for the Jays in the 80s. But when you think 1980s Toronto Blue Jays and first base, you think Willie Upshaw. And if you don't, than you don't know Tony Bernazard from Mike Sharperson.

This has been another "Bitterness" mailbag. We'll open it again soon, so get those questions in!

OSCAR TIME

Well it's just about that time. The Academy Awards are right around the corner, but here at "Bitterness" the Oscars are upon us. Here is our salute to Oscars.


Oscar Gamble played in the majors for 17 seasons as a Yankee, White Sock, Cub, Phillie, Indian, Padre, and Ranger. Wow! As a Yankee he was forced to shed his beloved afro, due to the teams policy on long hair. While we here at 'Bitterness" only wish that he had played in this day and age with Scott Proctor. Proctor and Gamble? Nice. Of course we would be remiss if we didn't also mention the one and only Oscar Azocar. Azocar was also a Yankee. A career .226 hitter, Azocar never met a pitch he didn't like. It took Azocar a hundred at-bats before he even manged to draw a walk. Oh yeah and there's of course the Golden Boy, Oscar delaHoya. He is one of the most notable boxers around. We don't follow boxing, but we know his name, that's how we know he's famous.

Of course there have been several well-known Oscars throughout television history. Jack Klugman's portrayal of Oscar Madison in the Odd Couple and Jeffrey Tambor in his role as Oscar Bluth on Arrested Development. Quite possibly the two finest portrayals of an 'Oscar" in the history of television, by two of the finest actors in the long span of television history. Oscar Madison was a sloppy sportswriter thrust into living with his neatnik friend Felix Unger. Together they formed quite an....odd......couple. Oddly enough Tambor played an odd couple himself. He was both the laid-back, hippie, pot-smoking Ocscar Bluth and his scheming, power-hungry twin brother George Bluth. Both brilliant performances.


Of course great "Oscars" are not limited to the boob-tube. The big screen has had its fair share of Oscar performances. Now, before jack Klugman, also tv's Quincy, brought Oscar Madison to the little screen, it was portrayed by Walter Matthau on the big screen. You see the hit play and movie was later made into a television hit. This, however, is not the only great movie "Oscar", we've had. Lest we forget Sylvester Stallone in the movie, Oscar. Of course it's a common misconception that Sly played the title role of Oscar. No, no, no, it is Jim Mulholland who plays "Oscar", the man who gets Sly's daughter, played by Marisa Tomei ,pregant. There is plenty of misunderstandings and crazy antics make this a wild romp, you won't want to look away from. Ironically, Oscar never even received an Oscar nomination? Obviously they didn't watch the movie.

Now, writing has seen some great Oscars as well. There's Oscar Wilde and Oscar Hammerstein II. Now while both are world renown, we realized the most we knew about Oscar Wilde was his name and that Tim Hardaway would hate him. Meanwhile Hammerstein is responsible for some of the greatest musicals of all time, but Tim Hardaway hates musicals as well. Interesting.

Now the name "Oscar"'s most notable contribution to music had tohave come from OscarMelendez. Not even a contest in this category. "Who is Oscar Melendez," you may be asking yourself? C'mon! He was in the original Menudo for crying out loud! Now this was pre- Ricky Martin, Menudo, as the band had frequent turnover. When a member hit 16 they were out, but Oscar was one of the innovators who laid the foundation for the original, and best, boy band. We are not sure if Oscar was with the group when they appeared alongside Ricky Schroeder in Silver Spoons. Without Menudo, there may never have been a NKOTB, LFO, O-Town, Backstreet Boys, N'Sync, or 98 Degrees. So, I think I can speak for Oscar and the rest of the original group, when I say, 'You're welcome."

And how could you possibly honor "Oscars" without mentioning Oscar Mayer. Is there anyone out there who doesn't know the Oscar Mayer bologna song? And who among us, hasn't wished, they, themselves were an Oscar Mayer weiner. By far one of the biggest innovators of, well, ever. And nevermind the hot dog car. Forget about it!