GIVING THANKS

Yes it is that time of year again. A time to gather with family, possibly friends, over eat, over drink, oversleep and watch some football. Oh yeah and give thanks. So we thought we'd see what some NFLers are thankful for this holiday season.

Dolphins fans are thankful for Dan Marino's resurgence, "He's still the quarterback, right?"

Lane Kiffin: This year I am giving thanks to be out from under soul sucking Al Davis' claws! Although, for some reason I still sense his presence around me, like he's now a part of me or something. sometimes I think I can see what he's thinking. I think he may have some how made me into a horcrux. In fact there's a good chance neither of us can live while the other survives.

Eric Mangini: I'm thankful for deep dish pizza. I mean that New York style thin crust is total hogwash! That's not a pizza! That's like callin' a Steak'um a porterhouse for crying out loud! You can't inject cheese into that teenie tiny crust at all! What's that about?! No siree, for my money it doesn't get any better than a thick crusted, meat lovers pizza, with meat and cheese crammed into the crust. Deeeee-lish! Heck if I could get a crust so big, that a whole 'nother pizza could fit in it, I'd be a happy man.

DeAngelo Hall: I'm thankful that Dan Snyder has deep pockets and is a terrible judge of talent and character. I mean I thought the Raiders were whack. As long as you ever had talent, and can still wear a uniform, you can be a Redskin. Hear that Keyshawn?



Kurt Warner: Wow, well what am I not thankful for? I'm thankful for God, my loving family, nice friends, great job, wonderful teammates, my dog, three squares a day, my health, the desert, dry heat, all the charities I get to help with, muppets, sunsets, sunrises, the beach, animals, science and math, pixie stix, mozzarella stix, wrinkle free slacks, seedless grapes, Tom Hanks films, ice cream, Tony Shaloub, chicken salad, being able to choose between paper and plastic, the Harry Potter books, flowers, cool ranch Doritos, calcium, Luxembourg, and of course shirtless Gutenburg.



Matt Jones: I'm thankful for being a white male, professional football player, (sniff) aged 18-35. I mean if I was African-American (sniff) or in some other sport, (sniff) I'd probably be behind bars right now. (snort) Kinda makes ya think.


Tedy Bruschi: Of course I'm thankful for the media, for making me into some sort of "hero". I mean, let's be honest here folks, I have mediocre talent at best. But thanks to the media, I am revered, going to Pro Bowls, getting my value meals Super-Sized for free. And that was before I had the stroke. More like a stroke of genius. It wasn't even that bad! I got the media eating out of the palm of my hands. Its great, I can do no wrong! Haha!


Shannon Sharpe: I'm thankful for CBS. You don't need full phrases. Don't need insight. Show up. Wear fancy suits. Spit some words. Chuckle with the honkies. Cash big checks. Eat lobster. Easy as pie. Blam.




Andy Reid: I'm thankful that somehow everyone still thinks I'm a good coach. It makes me feel safe at night. I mean I clearly have no idea how to manage a clock, personnel, play-calling, my family, my checking account, my wardrobe, and well, I could go on for hours. I don't even know all the NFL's "rules", for pete sake! Oh and lasagna. I'm thankful for lasagna too. And not that vegetarian crap. Nuh-uh. I'm talking with the big juicy chunks of ground beef in all 23 layers. That's right 23 layers! Its an old Reid family recipe.


Peyton Manning: I have so much to be thankful for. Whether its all the stuff I can buy orall the places I can go with my Mastercard, or all the channels I can get with my DirectTV package, or being able to keep in touch with all my loved ones on my Sprint Phone.


JaMarcus Russell: I am so thankful for the Raiders organization. I don't even have to be good at my job, to earn that big paycheck every week. I absolutely suck at my job, but am still making more money than probably any of you will ever see. And you know what the best part is? The Raiders have no other options!



Ben Roethlisberger: I'm thankful for milk and Chunky soup. Milk's a no-brainer. It does a body good, helps keep my bones strong and wards off those ostrichypooroses thingies. No one wants to end up as supper for an ostrichy rose, and drinking milk keeps them away. I've been drinking milk all my life, and I've never seen one. The proof is in the pudding. Pudding made with delicious milk. Sometime I'll have a glass of milk with a big ol' bowl of Chunky Soup. Makes for a nutritious and wholesome lunch and dinner. Sometimes I'll even have a grilled cheese on the side, cause cheese and bread come from milk, so its still good. I don't grill the cheese myself, since I'm no longer allowed near objects that produce heat and or fire, since the accident.


Marvin Lewis: I'm thankful to still have a job. I lost interest quite some time ago, and am really just going through the motions. I don't even care anymore. As long as those checks keep coming in, I'm happy. Heck, I'm letting a guy named Ryan Fitzpatrick call most of the plays on offense, now. Sure, he went to Harvard, but come on!




Joey Porter: I'm thankful that there is an endless supply of mamby-pamby, Charmin soft, big brain, know nothing, hypocratic, cupcake, panty waists in this league. I always have a supply of material to keep me jawin' all year round. Damn, I gots enough to last me well into the next decade. In fact, their's enough whinin', no good, trash talkin', lightweight fancy boys, for J-Peezy to berate for several more decades.

WEEK 12: BRIDGE TO KITNABITHIA

49ERS @ COWBOYS: A classic NFC showdown.....in the early 80s. But these are not your daddy's Niners and Tom Rathman is not gonna come strolling through that door San Francisco. Now it's Romo's pinkie versus pants-less Singletary. As intimidating as a pants-less Singletary walking the sideline can be, my imaginary money is on the golden pinkie. Cowboys 24-13.

RAIDERS @ BRONCOS: The Raiders may play this one a little tighter than their week one match-up, but in the end the Raiders are still the Raiders, and that accounts for a lot. Or nothing? Depending on how you look at it, I guess. Broncos 31-13.

BENGALS @ STEELERS:
Steelers 21-10.

BUCCANEERS @ LIONS: The Lions were supposed to be "Tampa North", but that idea quickly went south, after about, oh, one quarter. Now the Lions are lucky to be called "Winnipeg South". CFL? Anyone? I know its not the same without rouges, but come on! Alright that was a lame joke. The Lions are lucky to be called "Ollie North"? No? Um, hows about the Lions are not good? Yeah? Eh, let's move on. Buccaneers 27-10.

BEARS @ RAMS: Lovie Smith's return to St. Louie. Should be a nice little homecoming for him, seeing as the Rams have been less than good for all but, let's say, three games. The Rams have lost four in a row, the last three by a score of 116-32. So much for Jim Haslett resurrecting the Rams. Bears 28-16.

REDSKINS @ SEAHAWKS: A word problem: The Seattle Seahawks are very bad and do not score many points. The Redskins are a solid playoff contender who do not give up many points. If the two meet what will the final score be? Mr. Hasselbeck? "We can do the math." So can we. Redskins 23-7.

BILLS @ CHIEFS: I don't really even know what to say to Bills fans. Maybe the Bills should not play on Monday nights? I mean if there's a team that has the "excruciating, heartbreaking, gut wrenching, bang your head against a wall, Roseanne Barr singing the national anthem, suicide inducing loss at home on Monday Night Football" down pat, it is the Bills. Well Bills fans, you got a nice afternoon game in Kansas City to help ease the pain. Bills 27-17.

TEXANS @ BROWNS: I think it pretty safe to reasonably say that Brady Quinn is Cleveland's savior. Give him the key to the city. Erect him a statue in the town square. Name a street or perhaps a boulevard after him. LeBron who? In fact, instead of Cleveland, why not rename it Brady Quinn, Ohio? The Brady Quinn Cavaliers? Has a nice ring to it. Maybe get playful, and have the Brady Quinn-diands? No? He's still unproven ya say? Um, well I beg to differ. If the media has taught me anything its that we don't need to wait for any sort of proof whatsoever to anoint someone the next great thing. Plus its pretty obvious that Brady Quinn is this year's Tony Romo. Right? Browns 27-21.

GIANTS @ CARDINALS: Kurt Warner Bowl? The last time the Giants were in the desert they were covered in confetti, galavanting, frolicking, showering each other with beer, champagne, and who knows what else. But in that game the Patriots were also on the road. This time around the Giants will have to face the tenants of that stadium, and be the favorites. I don't really know where I was going with that. Giants 31-27.

JETS @ TITANS: Look for another "classic" Favre game, one where he's a gunslinging that ball to and fro, all the livelong day. I'm thinking a line something like 16-33, 179 yards, 3 interceptionS and no TDs. But somehow, in Peter King's mind this will be a brilliant effort against a tough Titans "D". Only the great Brett Favre could possibly throw incompletions and picks with such gusto! Such panache! Such joie de vive! Titans 24-12.

COLTS @ CHARGERS: Should make for an interesting Sunday nighter between two underachievers. I'd be inclined to say that the Chargers "D" will pose a bigger threat than the Texans "D", but these days I'm not so sure. Chargers 23-21.

RAVENS @ EAGLES: You had best believe that the Ravens are mad as heck after the Giants ran all over them last week. Plus the Eagles will be less prepared, since the first half of the week was like story time, with Andy Reid reading his team the NFL rule book. Other rules the Eagles were unaware of: you do not have to run the ball into a wall of defenders three straight times when on the goal line. For every fifty yard plus field goal your kicker makes he is to be awarded a comely lass of virtue true. And you actually never, under any circumstance, should throw the ball to Todd Pinkston. Could've been helpful years ago. 17-17 tie.

PACKERS @ SAINTS: Packers. Saints. Green and yellow. Black and gold. Rodgers. Brees. Football. Playoff hopes. New Orleans. Superdome. Mixed drinks. Katrina references. Rowdy fans. Cajun food. Beads. The fluer-de-lis. Inane Kornheiser remarks. Are you ready for some football? Packers 31-28.

PATRIOTS @ DOLPHINS: We'll let Joey Porter field this one- "Yeah, yeah, it's me J-Peezy here to let you know that J-Peezy don't forget nothing. J-Peezy has list of grudges longer than my Mr. Goodbar, which is pretty dag-gone long, see. Right now that sad sack, boring as crap, fashionally challenged, monotony speaking, brainiac bookworm Bill Belichik is up near the top of J-Peezy's grudge list! I took it to him up in his house, but I ain't done witchoo yet Billy boy, oh no, you about to feel the pain once again! You won't even know what hitcha! It'll be like you're expecting hummus and BOOM! here comes the Taboule!" Well, I think that about says it all. Patriots 21-17.

PANTHERS @ FALCONS: Big game in the NFC South, heck in the whole NFC. Panthers are probably the quietest 8-2 team ever (our people are forwarding that as we speak). Jake Delhomme's mediocrity has been masked in recent weeks by a solid defense, and a dominant running game. The Panthers won the first meeting up in Charlotte, fairly handily, so Matty Ice and the "Dirty Birds" is gonna have to strap on their big boy pants. They're about to be involved in an angry cock fight and are gonna need to keep their heads on a swivel! Falcons 17-16.

WHO'S SOFT?

Yes you read that title right and no it's not what you're thinking, so get your minds out of the gutter! You see, recently Miami Dolphins Linebacker "Motormouth" Joey Porter called Denver Broncos wide receiver Brandon Marshall soft. Marshall, after his monster 2 catch 27 yard day against the 'Phins, came back at Porter, calling him soft, talking about his popcorn muscles, and saying how his words didn't get in his head. So much in the vein of ESPN's Who's Now? we have decided to give you, what we feel you want, with Who's Soft? So let's dig like only we can to find out who is softer, Brandon Marshall or Joey Porter.


Where do you take your special lady friends for a romantic date?
Joey Porter: The Octagon, baby! Nothing more romantic than dudes ripping each other limb from limb in a cage. Stale, warm beer in hand, class all da way. Yous can tell a lot about a lady taking her a place like that. Gets 'em all ramped up, if you know what I'm sayin'?! Then we heads out to da club, where I take off my high priced shirt and show her how I can bust a move and whatnot.

Brandon Marshall: Back to my place, turn the lights down, light some candles, have the help whip up some pot roast, maybe a nice casserole, turn on a little Barry White or Chris Brown and let the magic happen. Possibly eat our creme broulee by the fireplace on my bearskin rugs.

What would be a good title for Joey Porter?
JP: "J-Peezy" President King of Toughitude

BM: Chatty McPopcorn Muscle

What would be a good title for Brandon Marshall?
JP: Two-ply, cause he's ultra soft!

BM: Handsome McSticky Fingers

What do you do the night before a game?
JP: I got little mini-house behind my mansion. Usually, night before a home game I go back there crank up some Lil Wayne and just start destroying everything up in that joint! I have my homey "Lunch Tray" go out and buy me some real nice furniture, you know ottomans and shit, to trash every so often. Sometimes I'll also have 'em get some sort of animal I can wrestle, like a pit bull or a bear or some shit. Keeps me honed and sharp. When I'm on the road, I like to go the local prison and wrestle some convicts in the yard. Either that or I have "Lunch Tray" go buy some furniture I can tear apart in some dark alley or sumpin'.

BM: I like to draw a bubble bath, and just sit in there for like an hour with a nice box of wine, light some loganberry scented candles do some word searches with my girl, little Miles Davis playing in the background. You know just unwind, relax, forget about it all.

What is your typical pregame meal?
JP: I like to have a thick juicy steak, bloody, 4 eggs, scrambled, with cheddar cheese, chocolate milk shake, a rack of ribs, couple bowls of cereal, four slices a French toast, a big ol' pile of mashed potatoes, green beans. You know, gotta keep it light.

BM: I like some fresh tossed salad with some raspberry vinaigrette on the side, some linguini caressed with margarine, steamed vegetables and some enriched waters.

What was the last movie you cried at?
JP: Nutty Professor 2. But yo, dat was only cuz I be laughin' so hard it made my eyes water! So don't go thinking "J-Peezy" some sort of mamby-pamby, pillow bitin', scrawny wide receiverin', Oprah watchin', salad eatin', nancyboy, cryer! Cause he ain't.

BM: Boy, that's a tough one. The last one, huh? I guess I'd have to say either the Notebook or Ernest Goes to Camp. I try and watch the Notebook once a week if the tear ducts can handle it. I mean Gosling is just phenomenal and the whole story is a piece of cinematic genius. When they're kissing in the rain, it just, just, gets me (sniff), it gets me every time, man.

If you were an animal what would it be?
JP: Probably be some sort of mish-mash of a pit bull, cougar, falcon, horse and dragon, to ackerately depict my nature and whatnot.

BM: Probably a majestic gazelle on account of my grace and speed.

So who is "softer"? Too close for us to call, we'll let you decide.