WEEK FOUR: ANY WHICH WAY BUT KITNA

In week three:

The Bills snapped their losing streak against the Patriots, and took over sole posssesion of 1st in the AFC East because...the Jets were beaten by the upstart Raiders who did not need to come from 20 points down to win like....the Lions, who are 3-0 for the first time in quite some time, after becoming the third team in a row to come back from a double digit deficit against.....the Vikings, who couldn't hold a lead if they had a hot date with a....I lost my train of thought. Umm, OH, the Packers win, but were deaked out of their tight pants by the Bears on a late punt return which was almost a touchdown, but not for a big holding penalty, and it was just slightly more exciting than....the monsoon that enveloped the Jags-Panthers game for about a quarter or so which would have been a great excuse for...the 1st 13-8 final in NFL history, but sadly the Bengals-Niners battle of futility was played in the bright sunshine not under the lights like....the Monday nighter that saw the second 9-9 halftime score ever in NFL history as the Cowboys won with out scoring a touchdown. Well, quite a week for sure and I gotta believe week four will be just as compelling as the Lions and Bills go for 4-0? Still doesn't sound quite right but I like it!

DETROIT @ DALLAS (-1): Is Tony Romo tough, stupid, or both? Well, say what you will (lord knows I will throughout the season) but I'd take Romo over Brady any day....in the octagon. Well, maybe not a day with cracked ribs. Maybe. While I'm not, and may never be, sold on Romo's playing ability, the Cowboys defense may be turning a corner and right now that could certainly keep them in the NFC East race. I mean how does a team win, without scoring a touchdown and fumbling six, count 'em, six times? Defense probably has something to do with that, right? Although I wouldn't exactly call the 'Skins an offensive juggrenaut even with Sexy Rexy at the helm (sorry long time "Bitterness" reader Rex Grossman's mom).

On the other side of the field will be the Lions who are 3-0 for the first time since, well, I dunno, but it's been decades, plural, since it happened. Not even the Scott Mitchell or Erik Kramer Lions started a season 3-0. They also never did it once with Barry Sanders in the backfield. Another fun note, is the last Lions QB to lead them back from a 20 point deficit is Bobby Layne.

Now, I don't know how good the Lions really are yet, but I am inclined to beleive they are somewhat legit. And I think you all know I don't toss around that "somewhat legit" label around freely! LIONS 27-21

NEW ORLEANS @ JACKSONVILLE (+7): No one is gonna confuse this year's Saints defense with the Steel Curtain defense of the Steelers or the '85 Bears defense that's for darned sure. I guess, to be fair, they were torched by a couple of pretty good QBs. Sunday they get a QB with exactly one NFL start under his belt. Barring another gorilla monsoon like in last week's Jags' game, I'd say the Saints should not have too much trouble in this one. SAINTS 31-18

SAN FRANCISCO @ PHILADELPHIA (-8.5): Michael Vick has practiced and says he's 100% sure he'll play against the Niners on Sunday. Well that's good enough for me, Dr. Vick! Even if he does play, there's no guarantee he'll be 100% and right now he's having trouble taking snaps under center, which is sort of a pretty big part of his duties on Sunday. If the Eagles have to have Kafka be king of "The Castle" (obscure literary reference of the week) again, it may spell trouble for Philly. EAGLES 21-17

WASHINGTON @ ST. LOUIS (+1.5): This weeks's winner of "the game I could not care less about" award. The Rams have shown little improvement week to week and, in fact, seemed to take a giant leap backwards last week. Which means this is a no-brainer to pick the Skins, which is what I will do, which is why the Rammers have an excellent shot at getting their first "W" of the season. REDKSINS 27-21

TENNESSEE @ CLEVELAND (-1): All the talk since Manning was not going to start for Indy, has been about the AFC South is the Texans division to lose. But hold the phone! How did people dismiss the Titans from the get go? I mean they've played decent enough and at some point you gotta think CJ will start making an impact, right? Please say yes, cause Turn and Coughlin is 0-3 and could really use some production from our first round pick already! Okay, sorry, what was I talking about? Oh yeah, don't sleep on the Titans, or hay, it's downright itchy. TITANS 31-21

BUFFALO @ CINCINNATI (+3): Buffalo is flying high this week. While I can't say I was sure the Williams would win last week, I knew they'd cover. "So, is it safe to now say the Bills are for real this year?" you may be asking. They have their shortcomings for sure, but right now they have a very good shot at 4-0 as long as they don't get too overconfident after their big win last week. BILLS 35-15

MINNESOTA @ KANSAS CITY (-1.5): The Vikings have blown double digit leads in all three of their games this season. The last, a 20 point lead against the division rival Lions. Now it seems like it's hard to put all of this on the shoulders of my fellow Syracuse alum, Donovan McNabb, but I have seen very little of their games, so I can't really say. What I can say is most Vikings fans are no longer pondering, but calling for a QB change to, well, Ponder. I think the Vikes hold on this week against the Charlesless Chieves. VIKINGS 23-14

CAROLINA @ CHICAGO (-6.5): The Bears probably had the play of the day Sunday with that punt return that faked everyone out, including the cameraman! Everyone watching at home was wondering what was happening as we did not even see Johnny Knox catch that punt. Too bad a holding penalty negated that effort. Meanwhile Cam Newton was stumbling a bit, partly in a monsoon, against the Jags and now he gets da Bears, could be another long afternoon for the rookie. BEARS 27-15

PITTSBURGH @ HOUSTON (-4): The Steelers may very well make the playoffs this year, but right now they're not looking a team that should. Their offensive line is a civ and, well, most of their team is kinda old. The Texans on the other hand are the fancy schmancy pick to win the AFC South. Well, they had their chance to impress me last week, and while they did put up a valiant effort and have been without Arian Foster for the most part, I'm still not buyin' what their sellin'. That being said, I think they win this one. TEXANS 22-14

ATLANTA @ SEATTLE (+4.5): I don't know much about the Seahawks, and I don't care to. I'm still holding on to the idea the Falcons are gonna be good, but it's getting harder and harder (that's what she said?) by the week. FALCONS 45-17

NEW YORK GIANTS @ ARIZONA (+1.5): Yeah, there was quite a contest for "the game I coul not care less about". Frankly beating the Eagles last week didn't impress me as much as it impressed most. I guess it depends on how good the Eagles defense really is. I'll tell ya this much, if Victor Cruz keeps doing his best Phil McConkey impersonation




for the G-men, everything else is cream cheese! GIANTS 21-14

MIAMI @ SAN DIEGO (-7): Am I the only one who still sees the name Tony Sparano and thinks Tony Soprano? I'm surprised I haven't seen shirts with "the Sparanos" on them, knocking off the Sopranos logo. Although, I guess Miami fans aren't all that bright (Miami fans send your hate mail to jayfiedler@imanidiot.net ) and maybe don't know the Sopranos were fictional and are trying to avoid the wrath of Tony. Or maybe it's because it depitcs a firearm?

I'd assume they'd just put Snowflake there in it's place, right?

Anyways, the Chargers always start slow, so the fact they are 2-1 has to be a good sign for Norv and company. Plus the Dolphins don't appear to be very good, so a 3-1 record seems to be in the cards for the Bolts. CHARGERS 24-10

DENVER @ GREEN BAY (-12.5): The Packers are legit, but I feel like they may play down to their opponents, and that 12.5 spread is a bit daunting. Basically, I try to not pick teams to cover double digit spreads and this is no different, even though they could very well cover. Got that? PACKERS 28-17

NEW ENGLAND @ OAKLAND (+4): The Belichik Patriots rarely lose two in a row it seems, so the Raiders may very well just be Tom Brady's whipping boys this Sunday, regardless of the fact they may be good this year and this game is in the black hole amongst all them passionate (read: psychotic) Raiders fans. PATRIOTS 38-24

NEW YORK JETS @ BALTIMORE (-3.5): This'll be a defensive battle, one would reckon. I'm inclined to believe the Ravens we saw in weeks one and three were the real Ravens. Or, maybe they'll only play good in odd numbered weeks, who the heck knows? RAVENS 23-17

INDIANAPOLIS @ TAMPA BAY (-10): Okay, this was very much in the running for "the game this week I could not care less about" but I am kind of curious to see what the Bucs do and c'mon ya gotta care about primetime games featuring Curtis Painter, right? I mean look at that punim:

Am I right folks? Well, his family might wanna watch. I said, "might". BUCCANEERS 16-10

So, there ya have it, another week of picks in the books, enjoy the games and your cheese:

WEEK ONE: WATCH YOUR BACK ROMO!

Are you ready for some football? How about some new "Bitterness" posts?! That's right ladies and gentlemen (and knowing my readership, I use the term gentlemen lightly) football season is upon us and "Bitterness" is back, baby! After not making picks for most of last season, we're back with a vengeance, a VENGEANCE I tell ya! The season preview post may come out this weekend, but don't hold your breath. Unless you are Jets HC Rex Ryan, then by all means, please, hold your breath! But, for a quick rundown here are my quick picks for the season:

Division Winners:


Patriots, Steelers, Titans, Chargers, Eagles, Falcons, Packers, and who even cares/ 49ers


Wild Cards, Bitches!:


Ravens, Jets, Saints, Cowboys

AFC Champs: Patriots
NFC Champs: Falcons


Super Bowl Champs: Patriots

MVP: Aaron Rodgers


Offensive Players of the Year

NFC- Rodgers

AFC- Brady (I have no idea why not)

Defensive Players of the Year

NFC- Lawrence Taylor

AFC- Joe Klecko

And that's all I've got right now, I know I jumped out on some limbs here, but whatever, I'm rarely right, so you stick that in your pipe and smoke it, or something.

Alas, without furthe adieu, here are the week one picks, enjoy!

NEW ORLEANS @ GREEN BAY (-4): An epic opening night clash of titans (not to be confused with the Titans)! This battle between the last two NFC, and more importantly Super Bowl Champs, should be a real humdinger, to say the least. Aaron Rodgers was sort of decent last year and while I don't think they will repeat as either the NFC or Super Bowl Champs, A-Rodg and the Cheeseheads will still be a force to be reckoned with, I, um, reckon. But let's be honest folks, I think the big question on everyone's mind is will I wear my Saints Aaron Brooks jersey or my Russ Verba Packers jersey for the game? That's gonna be a game time decision, I think. PACKERS 27-21

COLTS @ TEXANS (-9): Well it's official, Peyton Manning will not start this game and that's all you need to know. I know this is all you need to know, because this is about all I have heard about this game. The most interesting thing, to me, about Peyton missing a game, is the just utter awfulness of some of the backup QBs in the league. I mean, the Colts had to sign one because they had no faith in any of the backups on their roster! And not just anyone, Kerry "Frickin" Collins of all people (See ecstatic Kerry below after getting "the call". Confidence inspring to say the least)! Just off the top of your head, right now, how many backup QBs do you think are competent enough to sucessfully run an offense? Six? Seven? Granted, they are backups and should never have to set foot on the field during a game, unless their team is up by 30 points, down by 30 points or if that team's jokester punter tosses their clipboard on the field, but still, C'MON! Wait, what was I talking about? Colts-Texans? Um, TEXANS 31-24 (that's 8 Colt FGs BTW!)

PITTSBURGH @ BALTIMORE (-2.5): This has all the makings of a slobberknocker, I think. This is pretty much a coin flip game, I'd say, with the Ravens only being favored cause they are at home. This is just one of those things. The Steelers just find ways to win against the Ravens. Well, unless the Ravens borrow those outlandish helmets the Terrapins donned this past weekend, I think the Steelers pull it out (that's what she said!). STEELERS 17-13


DETROIT @ TAMPA BAY (-1.5): Like many of the games this opening weekend, this one is kind of a tough call for me, mostly because I know relatively little about what these two squads did in the off- or preseason. I'm goin with the Buccaneers, for no other reason than they had a better record last year. At least I think they did, which is pretty much good enough, right? BUCS 21-17.

ATLANTA (-3) @ CHICAGO: I don't think Da Bears are that good, but what the heck do I know, really? That's a rhetorical questions sports fans, so button it! While I really feel the Falcons could very well win the NFC, I have a hunch this will be a rough game where the Bears out play them and get a gutsy win. This will, in turn, cause the Bears bandwagon to gain early, yet pretty much unwarranted, momentum. BEARS 23-21

BUFFALO @ KANSAS CITY (-6): Kansas City could be really good or extraordinarily mediocre. The Bills, are, well, the Bills. At some point, something's gotta gove, right? Right?! I mean they got a Hahavahd QB, how could that possibly go awry? Fitzy does have a cannon, this is for sure, but cannons don't win championships, they win wars...in the 19th century. Anyway, I think most people are just wondering how much the Chefs will win by and I'm here to tell ya it won't be a lot. CHIEFS 13-10

PHILADELPHIA (-5) @ ST.LOUIS: The Eagles are expected to have an explosive offense this year and I would tend to agree with those expectations. The only people out there who think the Rams will win this game are the Rams, their families and Cleveland Gary and even some of them are unsure. They could, COULD, cover the spread, but I just don't see it happening. Iggles 38-21

CINCINNATI @ CLEVELAND (-6.5): At one point, one of these teams will live up to the preseason hype bestowed upon them. Good news is, this year neither team has any sort of hype, so there's really only one way to go (I'll give you a hint, it ain't down) for both squads. One of these teams will most likely be undefeated after this game, sittin' tied atop the AFC North with the Steelers- Ravens victor, so they got that goin' for 'em, which is nice. The Bengals have Andy Dalton at QB. Andy Dalton? Really?! This is the kid on whom's shoulder you have hung your offense, Cincy? Yikes. To be fair, I know very little about Andy Dalton, other than he has a very unitimdating name (sounds like he may try and sell ya real estate) and did not look good in the only preseason footage I saw of him. Even as I write this, with my lack of research, I am not 100% sure Andy is even his actual first name. Browns 17-10


TENNESSEE @ JACKSONVILLE (-2): Okay, so I am not exactly sure why the Jaguars are favored in this game, but again, with my lack of research I may very well find out, come Sunday. Now I am not sure how the eschewing of the Garrard plays into this spread, but with Luke McCown at the helm, well, they might as well have Cade McNown starting, am I right people? Plus the spreads guys realize Chris Johnson will play a little, right? Sure he missed a bunch of preseason whathaveyous, but I think and hope (he's my RB1 in my Fantasy Football League) he fares okay. TITANS 27-17


NEW YORK GIANTS (-3) @ WASHINGTON: I can't say I have a ton of faith in the Redskins, who would pobably be six, or seven, point dogs if this were in the Meadowlands (yeah, can't remember the name of their new stadium) or anywhere else on Earth (probably the solar system, if you wanna go down that path of literal shenanigans). GIANTS 31-13


CAROLINA @ ARIZONA (-7): Not sure about Kevin Kolb running the offense or Beanie Wells as the featured back, but Carolina is, well, just not good, I don't think. CARDINALS 24-16

SEATTLE @ SAN FRANCISCO (-5.5): Remember that time the Seahawks made the playoffs with a losing record? I'm sure the Giants, who went 10-6 but did not make the playoffs, sure do! Remember when the 49ers were a preseason favorite to win the NFC West? Yeah, 2010 was a weird and awful year out in the NFC West. It's definitely conceivable that no one in the division finishes over .500 for the second year in row. Has that ever happened in the 8 division format? In the six division format? Well, here's to another season of futility in the NFC West! NINERS 16-9


MINNESOTA @ SAN DIEGO (-8.5): Are the Vikings supposed to be really bad or are the Chargers supposed to be really good? Cuz I gotta tell ya, I didn't think either until I saw this spread. I mean, the Bolts should be good, but have the Vikings really dropped off that much? They still have Adrian Petersen, right? This may one of those games where I think the spread is outrageous and then once the game concludes I'll be thinking, "OHHHHHH, that's why!" But for now I'm not sold on a Bolts blowout. CHARGERS 28-27

DALLAS @ JETS (-4.5): Kinda wishing neither team wins this one. Rex Ryan has been somewhat quiet, which is interesting, to say the very least. TheCowboys have just seemed to continuously underachieve year after year (which I am all for) and I don't see why this year is any different. Now, say what you will about Tony Romo, the guy did put up decent numbers when healthy. Don't get me wrong I am no fan of TR, but he has been solid for the most part. Now that, that's out of the way I can go back to making fun of him every other week of the season. JETS 31-21


NEW ENGLAND (-7) @ MIAMI: There's just something about this that screams upset. I mean on paper, there's really no way Miami should be in this game at all, but I just have a hunch the Pats will come out flat. Let's face it, they don't always play superbly opening on Monday night. Remember that Buffalo debacle? Leodis McKelvin might. PATRIOTS 27-21

OAKLAND @ DENVER (-3): Remember that Bronco bandwagon everyone jumped on last year? I forget, in what round of the playoffs did they get beat? Uh huh. Anyway, it's another Monday night doubleheader to open the season , which means another west coast game. Has Oakland played in all but one of these since they added the second game? I feel like they're always on the MNF opener for reasons I cannot explain. Well, actually, I'm guessing the reason they don't put, say, a Vikings-Chargers game on is because they know at least half the country's not watching the whole game anyway. I never do, that's for sure! But if it was a marquee game, would I stay up? It's a whole chicken and the egg thing I guess. BRONCOS 42-38

Well, there you have it, your "Bitterness is a Fish You Can Catch Week One Picks", hope you enjoyed and if you didn't, well, I don't care.

And now, your cheese:

IN OTHER BREAKING "NEWS".....

So Sammy Sosa tested positive for steroids and in other breaking "news'....

• Grass is green.
• The Nationals are terrible.
• Albert Pujols is a good hitter.
• Ice Cream is cold.
• Ladies love Derek Jeter
  
• Greg Maddux is a future Hall of Famer.
• Houston is in Texas.
• Roses are red and violets are blue.
• Hot dogs are delicious.
• Jack Cust strikes out a lot.
• Rain is wet.
  
• The grass is green.
  
• The seventh inning stretch takes place in the seventh inning, and.....
• Steve Gutenburg is one of the greatest actors of our time.
  

SOUPER BOWL III

Hey howdy, loyal readers, it is once again that time of year! Time two once again fuse together to of America's favorite pastimes, football and food! Bon appetite!

APPETIZERS:
STONEY CASE-ADILLA: Flour tortillas, three cheese, onions, peppers, and your choice of steak or chicken. Served with sour cream and salsa.

LOFA-JITA TATUPU: As sizzlin' as a hit by its namesake. Spicy peppers, onions, tomatoes, lettuce, and choice of steak or chicken, all wrapped up in a flour tortilla, served with salsa and sour cream.

TA-KOs SIMPSON: Our hard shell flour tortillas, ground beef, chicken or steak, topped with onions, peppers of all colors, and shredded Mexican cheese.

HENRY MOZZAR-ELLARD STIX: What's better than a highlight reel of great Henry Ellard catches? Pretty much nothing except fried cheese.

FIRST AND TENDERS: Golden chicken tenders, served with your choice of honey mustard or barbecue sauce.

BUFFALO NGUYENS: Deep fried chicken wings, bathed in your choice of mild, medium, lukewarm, barbecue, garlic, lemon pepper, hot, spicy, inferno, lava, or Hell sauce.

PAUP-CORN SHRIMP: Shrimp, dipped in our delicious batter for your pleasure!

CHAD NACHOS-CINCO: Nachos piled high with 85 different toppings including monterey jack cheese, tomatoes, peppers, onions, cheddar cheese, nacho cheese, ground beef, taco sauce, pizza, and much,much more!

SPINACH AND CORYATT-ICHOKE DIP: Our delicious dip served in a bread bowl and breadsticks for dipping.

SOUPS:
ZORN CHOWDER: Chunky delicious corn chowder in a bowl or a cup.

CHANNING CLAM CROWDER: Chunks of clams, potatoes, and other things from the sea, served in your choice of bowl or cup.

CHI-LEE EVANS: Beef, peppers, beans, topped with shredded cheese, served smoking hot!

CHARLES MANN-ISTRONE: The manliest minestrone ever served! EVER!


SANDWICHES, ETC.:
All sandwiches and such are served with choice of John "french" Friesz or potato chips, and a pickle.

RUE-BEN COATES: A big ol' pile of corned beef topped with saurkraut and swiss cheese and Russian dressing, served on our toasted Dre' Rye bread.

STEVE MONTECHRISTIE: This is a sandwich the won't sail wide of the goalposts! Toasted ham and cheese, then dipped in sweet French batter.

BLTee MARTIN: Bacon, lettuce and tomato with mayonnaise, on your choice of Danny White or Tyrone Wheat-ley toast.

RODNEY PEETE-A POCKET: Chicken, lettuce, tomato, and mayonnaise, stuffed into a pita pocket.

PHILLY CHEESE ST-AKERS: Unlike the actual kicker, this is a big hero! We kid, we kid. White sub roll, stuffed with greasy shaved steak, peppers and onions and topped with your choice of cheese spread or provolone.

PASTAS:
PASTA PRIMA-VERBA: As burly, boisterous and filling as the former o-lineman, this is sure to block your hunger for sure.

AMP RAVIO-LEE: Traditional raviolis filled with ricotta and beef.


CHICKEN:
CHICKEN MAR-SALEAMUA: White chicken filets, mixed with a Todd Heap-ing helping of mushrooms, braised in Marsala wine sauce.

CHICKEN CATCH-A-TORY HOLT: This one is certainly a catch! Braised chicken, tossed with mushrooms, tomatoes, onions, herbs and bell peppers.

STEVE OVEN ROASTED CHICKEN BREASTON: Nice, oven roasted chicken breast, just like mom used to make.

MARION BARBERCUE CHICKEN: As rough and tumble as the Cowboy running back! Succulent chicken breasts, smothered in our sweet and sassy barbercue sauce.

JON JURKOVIC CHICKEN: As spicy and hot as the former lineman, this is sure to please, just make sure you have plenty of water available.

THE JOEY PORTERHOUSE: One of the biggest and baddest cuts out there.Thick and juicy, just like the out spoken linebacker.

KNUTE YORK STRIP STEAK: The good old-fashioned strip of steak, cooked to your liking.

KEITH RIBYARS: An incredibly tender cut of meat, that doesn't look like much, but sure gets the job done!

STEVE "T-" BONO: The coup de gras! If you want steak, this is the way to go.

DESSERTS:
TROY CHOCOLATE CAKE-MAN: A tall triple layered piece of rich, rich chocolate cake.

WARREN SAPP-LE CRISP: Warm baked apple goodness, topped with vanilla ice cream, and wipped topping.

Oh and since you're probably wondering, I'm picking the Steelers 27-17. Don't worry I'm rooting for the Cards, but I figure I've picked against them throughout the playoffs, and they keep winning, so this seems to be the best way. Here we go Cardinals, here we go!

WEEK SEVENTEEN: A CLOCKWORK KITNA

Well here it is the final week of the NFL regular season and there are still many questions to be answered. Will the Lions remain perfectly futile? Did Rod Marinelli fire his team up by showing them Necessary Roughness last night? Who will secure those precious last few playoff spots? Where is the "Bitterness is a Fish You Can Catch Swiss Miss All-Christmas Team"? Will Plaxico Burress be arrested again before the year ends? If the Jets and Pats win, will Eric Mangini be invited to the Belichik compound for Ostrichburgers? Who shot Kennedy? Are the Giants good this week? Of those who don't need wins this week, how many will play their starters? Where's the beef? What are the 23 flavors involved in the make-up of Dr. Pepper? And how many flavors are used to make Mr. Pibb? And aside from a medical degree, what is the difference between Dr. Pepper and Mr. Pibb? Is Tom Brady engaged? Do you care? When will Breckin Meyer be recognized by the Academy? Not for an award, I mean when will they actually recognize him? Like on the street or something. Who will win the 138th Bitterness is a Fish You Can Catch Shirtless Gutenburg Awards? Does anyone care what this guy thinks? Is this the best beer blog going? Was that a shameless plug? Maybe you should ask this guy? Or how about this guy? Well, while that is a lot to tackle, I'm pretty sure Week 17 in the NFL should answer just about all of those questions and the some. But before we get to the picks, we have to address a couple of things for our loyal readers. Yes, all seven of them.

First off y'all are probably wondering why I would dis Lil Baby Jesus ( not to be confused with Big Baby Jesus of course) by not posting the "Bitterness is a Fish You Can Catch Swiss Miss All-Christmas Football Team". It was mostly a time crunch thing, coupled with the fact that we were away from "Bitterness" HQ for a couple of days. So how are we gonna rectify this injustice? Well, we'll throw it in right here, after we tackle another concern that has haunted us these past few days. We made a big omission from the "Bitterness is a Fish You Can Catch All-Hannukah Team Presented by Boku and Richard Lewis" and we need to rectify that situation shortly, right after we make you aware that we have just set a new "Bitterness" record for number of times using the word "rectify" in a post. Now, on with the show. We regret the omission of Tyson "Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel I made you out of" Clabo, and sincerely apologize for such a large oversight. We take playing with people's names very seriously here at "Bitterness", and would never purposefully make such a large oversight and hope you can forgive us and will continue to make us your number one place for sillified nicknames. Now, that being said here is the "Bitterness is a Fish You Can Catch Swiss Miss All-Christmas Football Team":

QB- Jake Delhomme "For the Holidays"
RB- Steve "One horse open" Slaton
RB- "Jingle Bell" Rock Cartwright
WR- Reggie A-Wayne "In a Manger"
WR- Chris Horn-"aments"
TE- Justin "Let it" Snow
OL- Mike Gandy "Cane"
OL- Trent Cole "In Your Stocking"
OL- Nick Mangold "Frankincense and Myrhh"
OL- Travis "Little Drummer" LaBoy
OL- "Good" King "Wencelas" Dunlap

DL- Leonard Little "Town of Bethlehem"
DL- Ebenezer "Scrooge" Ekuban
DL- Raheem "Jingle Bell" Brock
DL- Chris Canty "Cane"
LB- "Mistle" Tony Gilbert
LB- Tully "Candy" Banta-Cain
LB- Vernon Gholston "Of Christmas Past"
CB- Davon "Boughs of" Holly
CB- Ahmad "Christmas" Carroll
S- Donte Whittner "Wonderland"
S- Quentin "Gold, Franincense and" Jammer

K- Robbie Gould "Frankincense and Myrhh"
P- Sav Rocca "Round the Christmas Tree"

And now the picks:
RAMS @ FALCONS: The Falcons, yes the Falcons could still get a home playoff game! Not only could they get a home game, they could get a first round bye! Unbelievable! Falcons 37-15.

RAIDERS @ BUCCANEERS: The Gruden Bowl and a Super Bowl rematch fom years ago. What's not to love? Yeah, I know. Buccaneers 24-23.



LIONS @ PACKERS: This could have as much interest as any game on the docket. Can the Lions be the first 16 loss team in NFL history? We'd all like to think so, but will the Packers care that much? I would say the Packers will be fighting tooth and nail to win this one. Some might say why not just lay down, its a virtually meaningless game for the Pack. Well, think about it though. Aside from marring your franchise name in the football anals, there can't be a lot of pride in being the only team to lose to lose to the Lions. Packers 37-14.



BROWNS @ STEELERS: Its been a rough year in Cleveland, but a win here could end the season on a high note for the Brownies. Steelers 27-17.

GIANTS @ VIKINGS: Obviously this means a lot more to the Vikes than it does the G-Men, but will the Tom "turn and" Coughlin be goign full force in this one? Now some people look down on teams resting their starters, against a team who holds playoff implications in its hands, but with several big names like Kevin "Big Boss Man" and Brandon Jacobs listed as doubtful, why would you risk it? I realize the Gaints have a bye week coming up to rest, but that won't matter if BJ is knocked out for the playoffs, will it? Vikings 14-13.

PATRIOTS @ BILLS: The Bills are playing their playoff game right here. Pats 21-17.

BEARS @ TEXANS: Ditto for the Texans. Bears in need a of a win to win the division, but me thinks they'll have a rough trip to Texas. Texans 17-13.

TITANS @ COLTS: Another meaning less Colts-Titans skirmish, yay. At least this year both teams can play the backups. Colts 24-20.

CHIEFS @ BENGALS: The matchup everyone circled on their calendars when this years schedules were announced. I mean what do you say that hasn't already been said about a game between two awful teams on the final Sunday of the regular season? If the Bengals win, that could drop them out of the coveted #4 draft pick. In fact the win could end up dropping the Bengals down a few spots come April. A Chiefs win clinches the #3 Draft Pick in April, but a loss doesn't necessarily give them that coveted #2 pick either, unless the Rams win. This one may have more implications than any other game today. Bengals 14-10.

PANTHERS @ SAINTS: Simple, Panthers win they take the division and get a first round bye. All that stands in their way is Drew Brees and the mighty Saints. Panthers 27-21.

JAGUARS @ RAVENS: All that stands between the Ravens and the playoffs is the Jaguars, who haven't had an inspired performance since last December. Hmm, let me think. Ravens 23-7.

SEAHAWKS @ CARDINALS: Seahawks, probably against the Cards backups. Seahawks 11-9.

DOLPHINS @ JETS: Eh, if you follow football you already know everything you need to know about this one and are probably already tired of it. I'm not even gonna talk about Brett Favre screwing the Pats several years ago by losing to the Jets in the final week, in essence eliminating the Pats from the playoffs. Not one word, I swear. Jets 33-28.
REDSKINS @ NINERS: Niners 31-28.

COWBOYS @ EAGLES: Well here's the Eagles scenario. For them to make the playoffs, they need to beat the Cowboys, have Tampa Bay lose to the Raiders, have Minnesota or Chicago lose, then they need the moon to align with Jupiter, hell to freeze over, and pigs to fly. Easy. Well, at least they can still play spoiler to the Cowboys. Eagles 27-23.

BRONCOS @ CHARGERS: Well it all comes down to this in the AFC West. A Chargers win and Ed Hochuli can sleep a bit easier. A Broncos win and well, maybe he can't. What am I his psychiatrist? Chargers 37-31.

FRIDAY NIGHT BYTES: IF YOU CAN DODGE A CAR.....

WEEK FOURTEEN: GREEN EGGS AND KITNA

For this week's picks we're gonna get our Seuss on:

RAMS are at CARDINALS, two touchdown dogs. Rams look to be playing in all sorts of fogs. Warner and company score points in bunches, Haslett and the Rams continually take punches. The Cardinals will win undoubtedly, by a lopsided score of 31 to one-three.

The BROWNS head to Nashville to clash with the TITANS. But will we have any Braylon Edwards sightins? Titans should have no problems here, the Browns should be looking on, towards next year. With slashes and dashes from Jeff Fisher's men, Titans will win 27-10.

BENGALS and COLTS will spar in Indy, a regular old-fashioned barbindy. Colts have the playoffs in their sight, Bengals time to go fly a kite. Coach Dungy should be feeling fine, after the Colts win by nine.

CHARGERS will be looking to thump the RAIDERS, and in so doing dismiss some haters. Razzle madazzle riggledy-do, Chargers will bin by 22.

CHIEFS and BRONCOS will meet in Denver, probably leading to more Broncos splendor. Cutler should have a fantastical day, zipping that ball every which way. Boom, frack, lima bean, Broncs win by seventeen.

VIKINGS and LIONS gettin' ready to tussle, with Vikings missing some of their muscle. Zip, zap, gizzards goo, Lions will be lucky if they lose by less then thirty-two.

EAGLES at GIANTS in a big time scruzzle, McNabb and Reid causing all sorts of buzzle. Giants are rolling, rolling, rolling along, while the Eagles are trapped in some tragic song. Whoops and woos, hollers, gazoos, 17-7, Eagles will lose.

JAGUARS and BEARS headed for a dazzley-do, with zizzle and zazzle and slight bally-hoo. Urlacher will run, he will crunch, Jaguars will be the Bears' lunch. Bears win 21-12, leaving the Jags none so swelve.

TEXANS at PACKERS, hardly a scrubber, Packers should give the Texans a drubber. Packers will look pretty keen, winning 20-thirteen.

REDSKINS and RAVENS ready for a bamboosher, rabblin and rubblin' down for a swoosher. Its Lewis and Taylor in a mabmle badamble, chasing down Flacco and yes Campbell. A down and dirty funleven, Redskins will beat 'em 13-seven.

PATRIOTS at SEAHAWKS ready for a jumbo jambaloo, Bill Belichik twenty-three skadoo. Pats need victory, over the hawks of the sea. With Cassel a -hurlin' away, Seahawks are in for a long, long day. Seattle be prepared for big humberdeen, Patriots on top 37-seventeen.

JETS at NINERS zip, zip, zizazzle, old man Favre king of the cazzle. The slinger for sure will better the Gore. Jets are goodies, the Niners poor, Jets win it 31-24.

FALCONS at SAINTS for Sunday go fun day, loser goes away. Brees a-huckin and chuckin, Falcons a-pluckin'! If Falcons could win it'd be great, but me thinks Saints triumph 31-twenty-eight.

COWBOYS and STEELERS headed for a blammy jammy, with Roethlisberger and Romo ready to slammy. Snoddlers, weezlers, an Hines Ward, Steelers over Cowboys 28-twenty four.

BUCCANEERS mash with PANTHERS in a jibberty wiggit, you know Steve Smith will soytantly dig it. Bucs in need of a splash, must block up the Panthers' dash. Bucs won't like the final score, Panthers razzle by four.

DOLPHINS and BILLS jumbled up in Canada, Bills hoping to bring plenty of fan-ada. Should be a regular clap-dangler, with the Bills playing the part of the mooble-mop mangler. Slippity, slappity if you know what I mean, Bills take it 20-thirteen.

FRRIDAY NIGHT BYTES: TIME FOR A GOOD SPANKING

WEEK THIRTEEN: KITNA CASSEROLE

SEAHAWKS @ COWBOYS: Looks like turkey won't be the only bird the 'Boys will be feasting upon on Thursday. They'll get a fresh plate of Seahawk for an early dinner. Cowboys 31-16


TITANS @ LIONS: Rest assured the Titans will be looking to "squash" the winless Lions on Thursday, especially after having their turkey cooked by the Jets on Sunday. Now, barring some sort of Thanksgiving Day miracle, the Titans will have their way. Titans 27-13


49ERS @ BILLS: Nothing like a trip to Kansas City to right the ship for the Williams. And it don't get much harder this week as the Niners are in town, which should be gravy for the Buffalonians. Bills 31-21


RAVENS @ BENGALS: Probably not gonna be close enough for Matt Stover "Top stuffing" to make a difference in this one. Ravens 27- 17




DOLPHINS @ RAMS: The 'Phins will look to carve up that Rams defense with that carving knife they like to call the Wildcat. And I'm guessing they will. Dolphins 31-10


COLTS @ BROWNS: Its a Cleveland Brown Thanksgiving. With Derek Anderson as Linus. Unfortunately, unlike a nice little half-hour cartoon, there probably won't be a happy, sugary sweet, family friendly ending for the boys from Cleveland. Colts 31-20


PANTHERS @ PACKERS: Well, most people will be Delhomme for the holidays to enjoy this gritty rematch of the 1997 NFC Championship Game. But that was over a decade ago, so the faces have sure changed. Kerry Collins and Brett Favre have since faded into obscurity and are all but forgotten to football fans. Packers 35-27


RAIDERS @ CHIEFS: Is there a better Thanksgiving match-up than Raiders versus Chiefs? This match-up basically encapsulates the first Thanksgiving. Raiders, basically a synonym for pilgrims, coming into the land of the Chiefs, of some Native American tribes, and being cordial at first, then proceeding to, in fact "raid", their land and women. So based on history, I'm gonna have to go with America, and the Raiders 24-20




JAGUARS @ TEXANS: This could be a good, close game. Unfortunately in the grand scheme of things, it will be a fairly meaningless game. Both teams have spent the year underachievin' away. So, who will out-underachieve the other? I think it'll be the Jags. In the coin flip game of the week I'm taking the Texans 23-14.


BRONCOS @ JETS: The Jets are your current AFC "it" team and why wouldn't they be after being the first to bring down the Titans? I still think they're overrated. And did you know that teams that beat an undefeated team after week 9 only have a .213 winning percentage in the following game? No? Well, that's cause I made it up. But I could really use a stat like that to "squash" the Jets. I'd really like to say the Jets will get cocky and look like a bunch of turkeys against the Broncos, but, lets be honest, its the Broncos. Jets 34-23




FALCONS @ CHARGERS: The Falcons are flyin' high, but you know the Chargers are gonna be looking to mash Atlanta's potatoes come Sunday. Desperation is a stinky cologne indeed, but not stinky enough. Falcons 28-21


BEARS @ VIKINGS: Its Thanksgiving at the NFC North house. There's one last plate of turkey with all the fixins and three big fellas eying it! When the season end who's gonna be standing there laughing with their mouth full of sausage stuffing, spitting it every which way? I dunno? But for this game I like the Bears 24-20


SAINTS @ BUCCANEERS: Could be do or die time for Saints in this one, while the Bucs need to keep pace with the rest of the playoff contenders. That's all. Nothing witty to go along with this match-up. Really. I got nothing. Honest. I just didn't feel "it" with this one. I no, usually I'm a cornucopia of hijinx and hilarity, but not with this one. Don't really know why? Bucs 28-27


CARDINALS @ EAGLES: Bird day capped off with a bird match-up, how fitting? So McNabb some of that delicious leftover turkey Breaston, maybe some Bertrand "Cran-" Berry sauce, and settle in for a big NFC clash. Unless you are one of the 75% of the nation that doesn't have the NFL Network, of course. In that case, enjoy The Incredibles. Eagles 31-24


STEELERS @ PATRIOTS: A big one at "the Razor". Are the Steelers in for a heaping helping of some three-bean Cassel-role? The Cassel-role Kid has put up back-to-back 400 yard passing games. Or are the Pats gonna get gobbled up by the Steel Curtain? Mmmmm! This match-up is as tasty as some Limas Sweed "Potato Pie"! Pats 24-21




GIANTS @ REDSKINS: The A-"maize"-ing Jim Zorn "on the cob" may not give "Plymouth" Rock Cartwright a ton of touches in this one, but nevertheless it should be a good ol' knock down, drag 'em out affair in the nation's capital. It could all depend on if the Giant's own "Plymouth Rock", Brandon Jacobs is playing and at 100%. Redskins 17-14

GIVING THANKS

Yes it is that time of year again. A time to gather with family, possibly friends, over eat, over drink, oversleep and watch some football. Oh yeah and give thanks. So we thought we'd see what some NFLers are thankful for this holiday season.

Dolphins fans are thankful for Dan Marino's resurgence, "He's still the quarterback, right?"

Lane Kiffin: This year I am giving thanks to be out from under soul sucking Al Davis' claws! Although, for some reason I still sense his presence around me, like he's now a part of me or something. sometimes I think I can see what he's thinking. I think he may have some how made me into a horcrux. In fact there's a good chance neither of us can live while the other survives.

Eric Mangini: I'm thankful for deep dish pizza. I mean that New York style thin crust is total hogwash! That's not a pizza! That's like callin' a Steak'um a porterhouse for crying out loud! You can't inject cheese into that teenie tiny crust at all! What's that about?! No siree, for my money it doesn't get any better than a thick crusted, meat lovers pizza, with meat and cheese crammed into the crust. Deeeee-lish! Heck if I could get a crust so big, that a whole 'nother pizza could fit in it, I'd be a happy man.

DeAngelo Hall: I'm thankful that Dan Snyder has deep pockets and is a terrible judge of talent and character. I mean I thought the Raiders were whack. As long as you ever had talent, and can still wear a uniform, you can be a Redskin. Hear that Keyshawn?



Kurt Warner: Wow, well what am I not thankful for? I'm thankful for God, my loving family, nice friends, great job, wonderful teammates, my dog, three squares a day, my health, the desert, dry heat, all the charities I get to help with, muppets, sunsets, sunrises, the beach, animals, science and math, pixie stix, mozzarella stix, wrinkle free slacks, seedless grapes, Tom Hanks films, ice cream, Tony Shaloub, chicken salad, being able to choose between paper and plastic, the Harry Potter books, flowers, cool ranch Doritos, calcium, Luxembourg, and of course shirtless Gutenburg.



Matt Jones: I'm thankful for being a white male, professional football player, (sniff) aged 18-35. I mean if I was African-American (sniff) or in some other sport, (sniff) I'd probably be behind bars right now. (snort) Kinda makes ya think.


Tedy Bruschi: Of course I'm thankful for the media, for making me into some sort of "hero". I mean, let's be honest here folks, I have mediocre talent at best. But thanks to the media, I am revered, going to Pro Bowls, getting my value meals Super-Sized for free. And that was before I had the stroke. More like a stroke of genius. It wasn't even that bad! I got the media eating out of the palm of my hands. Its great, I can do no wrong! Haha!


Shannon Sharpe: I'm thankful for CBS. You don't need full phrases. Don't need insight. Show up. Wear fancy suits. Spit some words. Chuckle with the honkies. Cash big checks. Eat lobster. Easy as pie. Blam.




Andy Reid: I'm thankful that somehow everyone still thinks I'm a good coach. It makes me feel safe at night. I mean I clearly have no idea how to manage a clock, personnel, play-calling, my family, my checking account, my wardrobe, and well, I could go on for hours. I don't even know all the NFL's "rules", for pete sake! Oh and lasagna. I'm thankful for lasagna too. And not that vegetarian crap. Nuh-uh. I'm talking with the big juicy chunks of ground beef in all 23 layers. That's right 23 layers! Its an old Reid family recipe.


Peyton Manning: I have so much to be thankful for. Whether its all the stuff I can buy orall the places I can go with my Mastercard, or all the channels I can get with my DirectTV package, or being able to keep in touch with all my loved ones on my Sprint Phone.


JaMarcus Russell: I am so thankful for the Raiders organization. I don't even have to be good at my job, to earn that big paycheck every week. I absolutely suck at my job, but am still making more money than probably any of you will ever see. And you know what the best part is? The Raiders have no other options!



Ben Roethlisberger: I'm thankful for milk and Chunky soup. Milk's a no-brainer. It does a body good, helps keep my bones strong and wards off those ostrichypooroses thingies. No one wants to end up as supper for an ostrichy rose, and drinking milk keeps them away. I've been drinking milk all my life, and I've never seen one. The proof is in the pudding. Pudding made with delicious milk. Sometime I'll have a glass of milk with a big ol' bowl of Chunky Soup. Makes for a nutritious and wholesome lunch and dinner. Sometimes I'll even have a grilled cheese on the side, cause cheese and bread come from milk, so its still good. I don't grill the cheese myself, since I'm no longer allowed near objects that produce heat and or fire, since the accident.


Marvin Lewis: I'm thankful to still have a job. I lost interest quite some time ago, and am really just going through the motions. I don't even care anymore. As long as those checks keep coming in, I'm happy. Heck, I'm letting a guy named Ryan Fitzpatrick call most of the plays on offense, now. Sure, he went to Harvard, but come on!




Joey Porter: I'm thankful that there is an endless supply of mamby-pamby, Charmin soft, big brain, know nothing, hypocratic, cupcake, panty waists in this league. I always have a supply of material to keep me jawin' all year round. Damn, I gots enough to last me well into the next decade. In fact, their's enough whinin', no good, trash talkin', lightweight fancy boys, for J-Peezy to berate for several more decades.

WEEK 12: BRIDGE TO KITNABITHIA

49ERS @ COWBOYS: A classic NFC showdown.....in the early 80s. But these are not your daddy's Niners and Tom Rathman is not gonna come strolling through that door San Francisco. Now it's Romo's pinkie versus pants-less Singletary. As intimidating as a pants-less Singletary walking the sideline can be, my imaginary money is on the golden pinkie. Cowboys 24-13.

RAIDERS @ BRONCOS: The Raiders may play this one a little tighter than their week one match-up, but in the end the Raiders are still the Raiders, and that accounts for a lot. Or nothing? Depending on how you look at it, I guess. Broncos 31-13.

BENGALS @ STEELERS:
Steelers 21-10.

BUCCANEERS @ LIONS: The Lions were supposed to be "Tampa North", but that idea quickly went south, after about, oh, one quarter. Now the Lions are lucky to be called "Winnipeg South". CFL? Anyone? I know its not the same without rouges, but come on! Alright that was a lame joke. The Lions are lucky to be called "Ollie North"? No? Um, hows about the Lions are not good? Yeah? Eh, let's move on. Buccaneers 27-10.

BEARS @ RAMS: Lovie Smith's return to St. Louie. Should be a nice little homecoming for him, seeing as the Rams have been less than good for all but, let's say, three games. The Rams have lost four in a row, the last three by a score of 116-32. So much for Jim Haslett resurrecting the Rams. Bears 28-16.

REDSKINS @ SEAHAWKS: A word problem: The Seattle Seahawks are very bad and do not score many points. The Redskins are a solid playoff contender who do not give up many points. If the two meet what will the final score be? Mr. Hasselbeck? "We can do the math." So can we. Redskins 23-7.

BILLS @ CHIEFS: I don't really even know what to say to Bills fans. Maybe the Bills should not play on Monday nights? I mean if there's a team that has the "excruciating, heartbreaking, gut wrenching, bang your head against a wall, Roseanne Barr singing the national anthem, suicide inducing loss at home on Monday Night Football" down pat, it is the Bills. Well Bills fans, you got a nice afternoon game in Kansas City to help ease the pain. Bills 27-17.

TEXANS @ BROWNS: I think it pretty safe to reasonably say that Brady Quinn is Cleveland's savior. Give him the key to the city. Erect him a statue in the town square. Name a street or perhaps a boulevard after him. LeBron who? In fact, instead of Cleveland, why not rename it Brady Quinn, Ohio? The Brady Quinn Cavaliers? Has a nice ring to it. Maybe get playful, and have the Brady Quinn-diands? No? He's still unproven ya say? Um, well I beg to differ. If the media has taught me anything its that we don't need to wait for any sort of proof whatsoever to anoint someone the next great thing. Plus its pretty obvious that Brady Quinn is this year's Tony Romo. Right? Browns 27-21.

GIANTS @ CARDINALS: Kurt Warner Bowl? The last time the Giants were in the desert they were covered in confetti, galavanting, frolicking, showering each other with beer, champagne, and who knows what else. But in that game the Patriots were also on the road. This time around the Giants will have to face the tenants of that stadium, and be the favorites. I don't really know where I was going with that. Giants 31-27.

JETS @ TITANS: Look for another "classic" Favre game, one where he's a gunslinging that ball to and fro, all the livelong day. I'm thinking a line something like 16-33, 179 yards, 3 interceptionS and no TDs. But somehow, in Peter King's mind this will be a brilliant effort against a tough Titans "D". Only the great Brett Favre could possibly throw incompletions and picks with such gusto! Such panache! Such joie de vive! Titans 24-12.

COLTS @ CHARGERS: Should make for an interesting Sunday nighter between two underachievers. I'd be inclined to say that the Chargers "D" will pose a bigger threat than the Texans "D", but these days I'm not so sure. Chargers 23-21.

RAVENS @ EAGLES: You had best believe that the Ravens are mad as heck after the Giants ran all over them last week. Plus the Eagles will be less prepared, since the first half of the week was like story time, with Andy Reid reading his team the NFL rule book. Other rules the Eagles were unaware of: you do not have to run the ball into a wall of defenders three straight times when on the goal line. For every fifty yard plus field goal your kicker makes he is to be awarded a comely lass of virtue true. And you actually never, under any circumstance, should throw the ball to Todd Pinkston. Could've been helpful years ago. 17-17 tie.

PACKERS @ SAINTS: Packers. Saints. Green and yellow. Black and gold. Rodgers. Brees. Football. Playoff hopes. New Orleans. Superdome. Mixed drinks. Katrina references. Rowdy fans. Cajun food. Beads. The fluer-de-lis. Inane Kornheiser remarks. Are you ready for some football? Packers 31-28.

PATRIOTS @ DOLPHINS: We'll let Joey Porter field this one- "Yeah, yeah, it's me J-Peezy here to let you know that J-Peezy don't forget nothing. J-Peezy has list of grudges longer than my Mr. Goodbar, which is pretty dag-gone long, see. Right now that sad sack, boring as crap, fashionally challenged, monotony speaking, brainiac bookworm Bill Belichik is up near the top of J-Peezy's grudge list! I took it to him up in his house, but I ain't done witchoo yet Billy boy, oh no, you about to feel the pain once again! You won't even know what hitcha! It'll be like you're expecting hummus and BOOM! here comes the Taboule!" Well, I think that about says it all. Patriots 21-17.

PANTHERS @ FALCONS: Big game in the NFC South, heck in the whole NFC. Panthers are probably the quietest 8-2 team ever (our people are forwarding that as we speak). Jake Delhomme's mediocrity has been masked in recent weeks by a solid defense, and a dominant running game. The Panthers won the first meeting up in Charlotte, fairly handily, so Matty Ice and the "Dirty Birds" is gonna have to strap on their big boy pants. They're about to be involved in an angry cock fight and are gonna need to keep their heads on a swivel! Falcons 17-16.

PICTURE PAGES

Picture Pages, Picture Pages, now its time for Picture Pages!



Wait. Whaddya mean I'm the Head Coach?




Huh? DeAngelo Hall? Really? Well that's just great. What, Deion Sanders wasn't available?


Does art imitate life or does life imitate art? That is a thinker. Man I wish we still had that Harvard kid Fitzpatrick. Maybe he could figure it out.




Matt Millen: Joey, you mean the world to me. But they say if you love someone you have to let them go. If its true love, you'll come back to me.

Joey Harrington: Um, Mr.Millen, I really gotta get loosened up for the game.

Matt Millen: I know ya do beautiful. I know ya do. Bring it in for the real thing.


Keep those knees high fellas! And on to the big finish!

WEEK ELEVEN: KITNA'S LABYRINTH

JETS @ PATRIOTS: Bottom line, if Broadway Brett and the Jets wanna be taken seriously they're gonna have to win this one. But even below that line, is the fact they won't. Pats 24-20.

BRONCOS @ FALCONS: A good old fashioned Super Bowl XXXIII rematch. The Broncos can't seem to stop much of anyone these days. Couple that with the "coolness" of Matty Ice and all signs point to a Falcon victory. Falcons 31-23.

RAIDERS @ DOLPHINS: A battle between two of my three most hated NFL franchises. The Cowboys are the other for those of you scoring at home. Quite honestly, I can't find anything that would warrant picking the Raiders to win this, or pretty much any, game. Under the "Cable Guy" the Raiders are 1-4. In those five games thay have been outscored 117-35. An average score of about 23-7. Lose the anomaly that was the win against the Jets and they have lost by a combined score of 104-19 or an average loss of almost 21-4. So we're going with the 'Phins 24-6.

RAVENS @ GIANTS: Another Super Bowl rematch on Sunday's docket. This should have a decidedly different outcome than Super Bowl XXXV. Look for this one to get down right dirty. I can't say for a fact that Terrell Suggs has put a bounty on Plaxico Burress, but if there were any Giant to put one one, it would have to be Plax right? Right? Giants 23-16.

TEXANS @ COLTS: Texans-Colts round 2! Don't pay for the whole seat, cause you'll only need the edge! If it weren't for Sage Rosenfels almost literally handing the Colts a win, then, well, the Texans would have won. What? Its true. You were maybe expecting something witty and or profound? Colts 31-24.

TITANS @ JAGUARS: It took a game against the Lions for the Jags to get an easy win. Other than that Lions game the average margin of victory was less than five. So we figure its safe to assume that the Jags and their fans are headed for another agonizing defeat. Titans 21-17.

BEARS @ PACKERS: First meeting of the year between these two bitter division rivals taking place on the not quite frozen tundra of Lambeau Field. Also the first time the Bears have ever faced Aaron Rodgers. What does that mean? Nothing really, just a fact is all. The Packers have lost two in a row to pretty solid defenses and it don't get much solider than the Bears defense. And I'm sure da Bears would lovie to make A-Rodg eat turf all afternoon and put the Pack two back in the NFC North. Bears 23-18.

EAGLES @ BENGALS: For the first time in awhile the Bengals are coming off a win. In fact, they haven't lost in two weeks, thanks to a bye. Just the Bengals luck, when they win and try and build some momentum they get a bye week. And then the Eagles! Eagles 27-13.

SAINTS @ CHIEFS: Tyler Thigpen, competent NFL quarterback? Really? And the Chiefs have been getting ever so close to winning their second game of the year. Which is why I'm making this my utterly stupid upset of the week. Chiefs 31-28.

LIONS @ PANTHERS: Let's see the Panthers are 7-2, sitting atop the NFC South. The Lions are, well, the Lions. In this jungle cat battle, its the Panthers 28-13.

VIKINGS @ BUCCANEERS: The Vikes got a much needed win against the Packers last week, and doesn't get any easier this week. The Bucs are currently tied with two other teams for the two NFC Wild Card spots. The Vikes are a game back of that logjam, making this yet another big game for the Minnesotans. I, for one, am not sold on the Vikes as a playoff team. Bucs 28-23.

RAMS @ NINERS: Ah, the "Who Gives a Crap?" Bowl. Seriously is there a more meaningless game this week? That was a rhetorical question. I mean really, both teams shouldn't even be trying to win, it'll only hurt their draft position. Um Niners 27-20.

CARDINALS @ SEAHAWKS: I will go out on a limb and make the Cardinals my lock of the week! If you need an explanation, you obviously haven't watched football lately. Cards 31-17.

CHARGERS @ STEELERS: The Chargers head east, which thus far this season, has not been good for those west coasters. If you were to buy into that theory you'd pick the Steelers. Now while I don't think the west to east thing will be a factor, I will take the Steelers 28-21.

REDSKINS @ COWBOYS: Gotta think the 'Boys need this one if they wanna stay in the playoff hunt. Well Jimmy "Crack" Zorn and I don't care! 'Skins 27-23.

BROWNS @ BILLS: Ah, the battle of teams named after a person. The Bills need to turn things around in this one, if they want to remain a playoff contender in the AFC. And I think they will rise to the occasion and befuddle the "Medicine Woman". Bills 27-17.

WEEK TEN: KITNA AND THE BANDIT

BRONCOS @ BROWNS: Its here! Its finally here! Brady Quinn is starting! Brady Quinn is starting! I'm not really that excited about it. Unfortunately, against the Broncos defense, the "Medicine Woman" has pretty good chance of looking competent and actually being successful. Drat. But people let's remember that the Broncos defense gives up big plays and lots of points, so if, tomorrow night, the "Medicine Woman" puts up a solid performance, let's not get ahead of ourselves and anoint him the next Bernie Kosar. That's all I'm saying. Broncos 21-17.

JAGUARS @ LIONS: After being without cable for the last eight months, I finally got this joint hooked up. My point? I now have the NFL Network, which means today I was able to watch a replay of Sunday's Bears-Lions game. Jackpot! If you ask me, that's worth the price of admission right there! Who likes extra Lions coverage and has two thumbs? This guy! No more Kitna? No more Cool Whip? Duante Culpepper? Egads! Jags 13-3.

TITANS @ BEARS: This game should be a good old battle of the slobberknockers, slobberknocking it out in the trenches. One group of slobberknocker's gonna out-slobberknocker the other group of slobberknocker's. Bottom line here? Go with the drinker. Titans 17-13.

BILLS @ PATRIOTS: "Sand" Cassel's gonna have to step it up against the Williams defense. With a three way tie atop the AFC East this is a big game for both squads. Should be a good game, and I'm gonna go with the home team on this one. Pats 15-13.

SAINTS @ FALCONS: Matty Ice has been settling into this whole NFL quarterback thing, pretty nicely. The Saints defense should provide little opposition towards his "settling", but
"D-Breezy" and the Saints can put some big numbers. Saints 31-27.

RAVENS @ TEXANS: Are any Texans worthy of drawing Terrell Suggs' ire? We think not. Ravens 24-23.

RAMS @ JETS: Bit of a setback for the Rams last week against the Cards, after they had seemingly, been turning things around. Meanwhile the Jets are as unpredictable as Andy Dick. Broadway Brett has been erratic, wild, and well, pretty much, his usual self. But is anyone having more fun out there? Jets 31-17.

SEAHAWKS @ DOLPHINS: Well, Joey Porter could call a Seahawk wide receiver "soft", but 1) he may not know the names of any of their receivers, and C) I don't think they'd argue. Dolphins 28-20.

PACKERS @ VIKINGS: The Vikings are actually favored in this one. Really? What is that based on? The Vikings' mediocre offense? Inconsistent defense? Abysmal special teams? Hmm? Hmmm? Packers 28-20.

PANTHERS @ RAIDERS: The D'angelo Hall experiment in Oakland has ended. Unfortunately for the Raiders the JaMarcus Russell experiment continues. Panthers 31-15.

CHIEFS @ CHARGERS: The Chiefs are not good. Last week, just when there was a glimmer of hope in Kansas City, the Chiefs blew a big, what most would consider insurmountable, lead against the Bucs. But don't worry Chargers, the Chiefs still have a whole bag of suck left for the rest of the season. Chargers 38-21.

COLTS @ STEELERS: Well I'll tell you this one is a humdinger. A real mystery, wrapped up inside a enigma, rolled in conundrum and deep fried. A real dilly of a pickle for sure. Yeah, I got nothing. Um, Steelers 17-16.

GIANTS @ EAGLES: Its as we get down to this portion of the picks that I start to tire.But I will press on. The Eagles should play this one tight, but will the fans still have their "edge" after that Phillies victory parade? Well, who knows, really? What I do know is the Giants are a well-balanced, efficient, winning machine right now. Giants 20-16.

49ERS @ CARDINALS: Right now the Cards seem to be better than every single team in their division. And Steve Breaston "Show" has really blossomed. This one should make for some good booth banter from Tony and the gang. Cardinals 34-14.