ROUNDOFFS: HEADLINE EDITION

That's right folks the first ever " Headline" edition of Roundoffs! You may be asking yourself, "Well, what exactly does that mean?" It means almost literally what it says. The rest of this post will consist only of headlines, relevant to current-ish events. Got that? Okay, you're right, that was not a headline. So we'll start it right, wait for it, now....

• Red Socked! Rays oust BoSox in Seven!
• Lewis and Ravens Dine on "Wildcat"
• St. Louis "Rams" 'Boys 34-10
  
• Saints Alive! Panthers Maul N'awlins
• Winning Not a "Chief" Concern in Kansas City
  
• Rays of Hope!
• Pats Buckin' Broncos
• Phightin' Phils Phans in a Phrenzy
• Jim Haslett the Rams Play
• Manning Goes Down in Mr. Rodgers Neighborhood
• Raiders Win! Really!
• Steinbrenner Trying to Help Economy, Looks to Sign Dow Jones to Long Term Deal
• Ocho Stink-o; Bengals Lose Again
• Sen. McCain Not Linked to Smiley Fries; Loses Support
• No Kitna, No Problem! Lions Still Able to Lose!
  
• Chargers, Stadium Lose Power
  
• ESPN Shows Sporting Events Back-to-Back!
• Tampa May Not be Melrose's Place
  
• Joe Six Pack Calls Out Plumber to Fix Leak
  
• Upt-on At Them!
• Not Singin' the Blues in St. Louis
  
• McCain Denies Causing Dinosaur Extinction
• Ice Capades Cause Riot
  
• Breckin Myers' Career Reportedly Still Missing
• Fox Scrambles to Find Tampa Bay Songs
• Extra-Orton-ary!
• Calgary Flame Out?
• Steelers Get Moore Than They Bargain For
• "Bitterness" Makes Deadspin!
  

And there it is, the end of our first ever "Headlines" edition of Roundoffs, hope you've enjoyed and good luck with whatever it is your doing.

ROUNDOFFS: BURNING QUESTIONS EDITION

• What is the record for most pitches in an inning without giving up a run? Cause if Daisuke doesn't hold it, he must be close.
• Why is Mike Timlin even on the Red Sox playoff roster? Was it that sexy 5.66 E.R.A.?
  
• Can anyone stop the Dolphins "Wildcat"?
• Is Dan Orlovsky even aware of all the rules of football?
• Was anyone even aware that Dan Orlovsky plays football?
  
• Does Brett Favre crap golden eggs?
• How is it that Tim McCarver seemingly gets stupider by the minute?
  
• Was Terry Francona channeling Grady Little in ALCS Game 2?
• What's better? Dallas losing to Arizona or the Giants losing to the Browns?
  
• Or Battlestar Galactica?
  
• Does anyone else giggle every time So Taguchi is announced?
• Did the NFL really almost lose all its winless teams in the same day?
• Who put the "bop" in the bopshebopshebop?
  
• Seriously, who is Dan Orlovsky?
• Are we really sure you can't script October?
• Hey, remember a couple weeks ago when the Broncos were "great"?
• Remember six weeks ago when the Patriots were great?
• Is it just me, or is a Bills-Titans playoff rematch totally possible?
  
• DAN ORLOVSKY?! Anyone?
• Where is Breckin Meyer?
• Who's a bigger blowhard John Madden or Tim McCarver?
• Who is responsible for those ridiculous walkie-talkie cell phones? Cause they need to be talked to!
• Anyone else find it weird that no one has brought up the Summer Catch connection to the NLCS? I mean Freddie Prinze, Jr. was in the Phils organization, while his nemesis was with the Dodgers organization. Coincidence? Can't we script October?
  
• Is anyone else scared that John McCain could be the leader of the free world?
  
• Or how 'bout the fact that if he croaks, Sarah Palin would be running the free world?
• Do you think FOX was so glad to have the NLCS, cause there are no songs about Tampa that they could play over and over when the Rays did stuff?
• More annoying Bon Jovi's "I Love This Town" or John Cougar Mellencamp's, "This is our Country."?
• Where's the beef?
  
• Is Jim Haslett a good coach?
• How long before Art Shell takes over in Oakland?
• Will knowing practically nothing about the NHL actually help my fantasy hockey team?
• Who shot Laura Palmer?
• Is Joe Maddon a Mac or a PC?
• Why do hockey teams leave Canada? I mean baseball teams I can understand, but hockey? Hockey?! Well hopefully they can at least support the Bills.
  
• If there's something strange in the neighborhood, who ya gonna call?
• Why no more Kitna? WHY?!
• Did Joe Torre drop the ball by starting Derek Lowe on short rest?
• Is the best financial investment right now buying a large fry at McDonald's?
• Who is this Dow Jones fella and what's he doing to our money?
• How is Beverly Hills Chihuahua the number one movie in America?
  
• Has it already surpassed the box office numbers for Troop Beverly Hills?
• When will the madness end?
• What are the odds of my social security benefits being there when I retire?

Phew! Well that about wraps up this edition of "Roundoffs", hope you enjoyed and if you have answers to any of these "burning questions" please feel free to comment! As for me, I'm gonna make a sandwich and watch my stories.

ROUNDOFFS: A DIP IN THE STREAM OF CONCIOUSNESS

Time for more Roundoffs, so pause your Dharma and Greg DVDs and dive right in!

Sunday Morning
Jordan Palmer (over the phone): Hey Dad guess who just moved ahead of your golden child Carson on the Bengal depth chart? That's right, me!

Ma Palmer: Oh my god!

Jordan: I know!

Pa Palmer: Wait, what happened to Carson?! Is he alive?! Has Marvin given up on the season?! Can you see him right now?!

Jordan: Dad, he's in the trainer's room he's fine.

Ma: My baby!

Pa: Jordan William Palmer, you tell me what in the sam hill is wrong with your brother right this instant!

Jordan: Oh for cryin out loud. He just bumped his elbow or something.

Pa: It must be serious if they're thinking of starting you.

Jordan: Well, I'm not exactly starting.

Ma: My babies!

Pa: Wait a minute I thought you were replacing him.

Jordan: No Dad, if you were listening, I just said I'm ahead of him on the depth chart.

Pa: So you still won't play?

Jordan: Well, there's always a chance. I mean Ryan could get hurt or not play well.

Pa: Ryan?! Who in the heck is Ryan?

Jordan: Ryan Fitzpatrick, dad. He's starting in place of Carson.

Pa: Oh, hohoho! That's rich! You're behind Ryan Fitzpatrick! He sounds like an American Idol contestant!

Jordan: What does that even mean?

Pa: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Jordan: I'm hanging up now.

Pa: Give my best to Ryan! AHAHAHAHAHA!

FOOTBALL FRENZY
Talk about a crazy week in the NFL! But seriously could we slow down the "Jets looked like a playoff team this Sunday" talk? I mean, regardless of what they've accomplished this deep into the season, let's remember the Cardinals are still the Cardinals, 'til proven otherwise. I'll grant you not just anyone can trounce the Lions. Wait. What? Oh apparently anyone can trounce the Lions. Let's remember that Kurt Warner, who is actually 67 years old, still torched the Jets for for approximately 700 yards. I know everyone in the media wants Favre to be a success, because that's what they do. But beating the Cards and Dolphins is still not much to brag about.

Bye, bye Scott Linehan. I'd say you made a valiant effort, but, well, did you? Last I checked benching your QB and causing a player uprising is not one of the better ways to get a contract extension. That and not winning of course.

Not gonna lie, I did a double take, when I checked some scores from work Sunday, and Oakland, St.Louis, and Kansas City all had good chances of winning. Of course only one did. Win that is.

Though I don't know how much time that KC "W" added to the Hermanator's coaching life expectancy in the "Show Me State".

Lane Kiffin is still the coach of the Raiders

A short list of possible Matt Millen replacements,that probably couldn't be any worse: Hugh Millen, that tub of expired sour cream in my fridge, an alarm clock, George W. Bush. Hey, if I owned the Lions, I'd offer "W" a job. The only worry is if he excepted.

And in the "better late than never department" congrats to Bruce Smith and Ben Coates who were entered into their respective teams Hall of Fames. And yes, I mean Coates with the Patriots! You take that Ravens talk out of here in talk about it nevermore!

BITTERNESS AT THE BAT
We did it! We captured a Fantasy Baseball title! How you may ask? Well it was one part speed (on the basepaths that is), 3 parts pitching, 7 parts moxie, and 87 parts chicken wings, that became the recipe for the Muffin Tops rise to glory! Top of the muffin to you!

I'm tired of Ozzie Guillen, anyone else? I say let's give Fred "The Man" Manrique a shot! Either that or Ron Hassey.

Its amazing how much more MVP hype Dustin Pedroia is getting, when many argue he's not even the MVP of his own team. That would be Kevin Youkilis by the way.

If there's a more over hyped stat than K-Rod's number of saves, I can't find it. Plus it may hurt Bobby Thigpen's chances of being a first ballot Hall of Famer. More on this to come.

Last season I picked the Cubs and Brewers to make the playoffs. I am soooo going to put money on the teams I picked this year for next year's World Series!

Shea it ain't so Mets! With all the media going to the closing down of the "House that Chambliss built", very few even noticed or cared that they were closing down Shea Stadium (the House That Kranepool Built?) as well. And over the past month the Mets showed us why.

How about we hold back all the praise for Joe Maddon. I think we are missing the bigger picture here. As the Devil Rays, Tampa Bay was down trodden to say the least, never eclipsing 70 wins. But they lose the devil, and BAM!, they're a division winner. It doesn't take Encyclopedia Brown to put two and two together here kids. If only the Mets could get rid of the devil in their bullpen. But enough about Luis Ayala. Hi-yo! What? Yeah, I know I already bashed the Mets, but after that September they deserve it. Plus, its just so easy. This is the last one I promise.

If the Twins manage to capture the AL Central, that means we get an all dome division series! Yes, the way baseball was meant to be played, under teflon! Plus it renews that storied Twins-Rays rivalry from the 50s.

Yeah about the only thing I don't like about the Rays being in the playoffs, is having to watch playoff games in that eye sore they play in.

Okay maybe just one more Mets dig. The Mets bullpen couldn't smooth a silk sheet, if they had a hot date with a, aaaaahhh! I lost my train of thought.

I'm happy for the Brewers, but I think a lot of people are forgetting that CC Sabathia is a rather large American. As opposed to a rather larger American Leaguer, which he used to be. I say that because he's thrown a lot of innings and that'll wear down even the scrawniest of pitchers. I'm just saying the continued starts on short rest could catch um with "hamhock" at some point.

WE'RE AS COLD AS ICE!
This is where I'd love to put some NHL notes in but I don't really have any yet. But this is the year I get into hockey! I mean it! GO NORDIQUES!

SUNDAY NIGHT
Jon Kitna (over the phone): You are go for Jon Kitna.

Jordan Palmer: Hey Jon, it's Jordan.

Kitna: Hey Jordan, what can Jon Kitna do for you?

Jordan: I dunno. Same old stuff. You know, family and whatnot?

Kitna: Jon Kitna knows how that goes. Did you try talking to the man upstairs?

Jordan: The offensive coordinator?

Kitna: No! The Lord and Savior. He's helped Jon Kitna get through a lot of tough times. If it weren't for Him Jon Kitna would have never finished his award winning chili.

Jordan: You do make good chili.

Kitna: You are darn right Jon Kitna makes a good chili!

Jordan: But I don't know if making chili will help me with this Carson thing.

Kitna: Well, murder's not the answer, that's for sure. Jon Kitna knows that. Maybe a pot roast.

Jordan: Huh?

Kitna: MAYBE A POT ROAST!

Jordan: No, no. The murder thing?

Kitna: You're on the Bengals aren't ya?

Jordan: Okay Jon, I'm gonna go now.

Kitna: Kitna hears that JC. Plus Jon Kitna's gotta tend to his casserole.

Jordan: Okay Jon. I may not call next week.

Kitna: Hey stick with Jon Kitna and you'll be outta "Heisman's" shadow in no time!

Jordan: That seems untrue, but thanks, and I really have to go now Jon.

Kitna: Kitna wants JC to keep it real.
(silence)
Kitna: Jordan?(silence) JC? (silence) He'll call back.

HITTING THE LINKS:
Jayson Stark's wraps up the MLB season that is still going on as I type.
Don Banks snaps at you!
Drink this!

Rest in peace Paul Newman, you will be missed.