WEEK THIRTEEN: KITNA CASSEROLE

SEAHAWKS @ COWBOYS: Looks like turkey won't be the only bird the 'Boys will be feasting upon on Thursday. They'll get a fresh plate of Seahawk for an early dinner. Cowboys 31-16


TITANS @ LIONS: Rest assured the Titans will be looking to "squash" the winless Lions on Thursday, especially after having their turkey cooked by the Jets on Sunday. Now, barring some sort of Thanksgiving Day miracle, the Titans will have their way. Titans 27-13


49ERS @ BILLS: Nothing like a trip to Kansas City to right the ship for the Williams. And it don't get much harder this week as the Niners are in town, which should be gravy for the Buffalonians. Bills 31-21


RAVENS @ BENGALS: Probably not gonna be close enough for Matt Stover "Top stuffing" to make a difference in this one. Ravens 27- 17




DOLPHINS @ RAMS: The 'Phins will look to carve up that Rams defense with that carving knife they like to call the Wildcat. And I'm guessing they will. Dolphins 31-10


COLTS @ BROWNS: Its a Cleveland Brown Thanksgiving. With Derek Anderson as Linus. Unfortunately, unlike a nice little half-hour cartoon, there probably won't be a happy, sugary sweet, family friendly ending for the boys from Cleveland. Colts 31-20


PANTHERS @ PACKERS: Well, most people will be Delhomme for the holidays to enjoy this gritty rematch of the 1997 NFC Championship Game. But that was over a decade ago, so the faces have sure changed. Kerry Collins and Brett Favre have since faded into obscurity and are all but forgotten to football fans. Packers 35-27


RAIDERS @ CHIEFS: Is there a better Thanksgiving match-up than Raiders versus Chiefs? This match-up basically encapsulates the first Thanksgiving. Raiders, basically a synonym for pilgrims, coming into the land of the Chiefs, of some Native American tribes, and being cordial at first, then proceeding to, in fact "raid", their land and women. So based on history, I'm gonna have to go with America, and the Raiders 24-20




JAGUARS @ TEXANS: This could be a good, close game. Unfortunately in the grand scheme of things, it will be a fairly meaningless game. Both teams have spent the year underachievin' away. So, who will out-underachieve the other? I think it'll be the Jags. In the coin flip game of the week I'm taking the Texans 23-14.


BRONCOS @ JETS: The Jets are your current AFC "it" team and why wouldn't they be after being the first to bring down the Titans? I still think they're overrated. And did you know that teams that beat an undefeated team after week 9 only have a .213 winning percentage in the following game? No? Well, that's cause I made it up. But I could really use a stat like that to "squash" the Jets. I'd really like to say the Jets will get cocky and look like a bunch of turkeys against the Broncos, but, lets be honest, its the Broncos. Jets 34-23




FALCONS @ CHARGERS: The Falcons are flyin' high, but you know the Chargers are gonna be looking to mash Atlanta's potatoes come Sunday. Desperation is a stinky cologne indeed, but not stinky enough. Falcons 28-21


BEARS @ VIKINGS: Its Thanksgiving at the NFC North house. There's one last plate of turkey with all the fixins and three big fellas eying it! When the season end who's gonna be standing there laughing with their mouth full of sausage stuffing, spitting it every which way? I dunno? But for this game I like the Bears 24-20


SAINTS @ BUCCANEERS: Could be do or die time for Saints in this one, while the Bucs need to keep pace with the rest of the playoff contenders. That's all. Nothing witty to go along with this match-up. Really. I got nothing. Honest. I just didn't feel "it" with this one. I no, usually I'm a cornucopia of hijinx and hilarity, but not with this one. Don't really know why? Bucs 28-27


CARDINALS @ EAGLES: Bird day capped off with a bird match-up, how fitting? So McNabb some of that delicious leftover turkey Breaston, maybe some Bertrand "Cran-" Berry sauce, and settle in for a big NFC clash. Unless you are one of the 75% of the nation that doesn't have the NFL Network, of course. In that case, enjoy The Incredibles. Eagles 31-24


STEELERS @ PATRIOTS: A big one at "the Razor". Are the Steelers in for a heaping helping of some three-bean Cassel-role? The Cassel-role Kid has put up back-to-back 400 yard passing games. Or are the Pats gonna get gobbled up by the Steel Curtain? Mmmmm! This match-up is as tasty as some Limas Sweed "Potato Pie"! Pats 24-21




GIANTS @ REDSKINS: The A-"maize"-ing Jim Zorn "on the cob" may not give "Plymouth" Rock Cartwright a ton of touches in this one, but nevertheless it should be a good ol' knock down, drag 'em out affair in the nation's capital. It could all depend on if the Giant's own "Plymouth Rock", Brandon Jacobs is playing and at 100%. Redskins 17-14

MLB STEROID SCANDAL: THE MOVIE

We figure its only a matter of time before there's a sweet made for TV movie on ESPN, TNT or Lifetime about the MLB steroid fiasco. Possible titles include Roids, BALCO, Performance Enhanced, Leonard Part 9, Bud Selig: Blind or Just Daft?, How Did We Not Know?, Muscle Beach, Things Congress Wasted Time and Money on While Our Country Was Involved a War That Had No End in Sight. Oh wait, that last one was actually a hint on Pyramid. Anyway, we here at "Bitterness" thought we'd get the jump on who exactly would be cast in said movie. And away we go!

George Mitchell will be played by ALF's Max Wright














David Doyle of Charlie's Angels fame will portray Victor Conte













The part of Jose Canseco will be played by Lou Ferrigno
















Mark McGwire will be played by Brian Bosworth.












with John Turturro (cause you know he'll be involved. I'm actually surprised he didn't play Dale Earnhardt in 3) as Rafael Palmiero and Benito Santiago



















Alan Tudyk, aka Steve the Pirate or Reverend Veal as Curt Schilling













Steve Gutenberg will be played by Shirtless Steve Gutenberg














Donald Gibb (better known as Ogre from Revenge of the Nerds) as Jason Giambi













I'm sure we could have Giambi lash out at Congress with a good old fashioned, "NEEEEEERDDDSSS!"




World's Strongest Man Jarek Dymek as Roger Clemens
















with Todd Bridges as young Barry Bonds















and "Zeus" Tiny Lister as present day Barry Bonds
















and as Major League Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig



ALF!

A VERY SPECIAL MESSAGE FOR METS FANS! (YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE)

And now a message from Keith Hernandez, who can still sport fur like nobody's business. Fancy and yet rugged all at the same time!

Dear Mets fans,
I'm Keith Hernandez. I want you to know that I still love each and every one of you. Sure, your spirit has been broken by your lovable "Amazins" for the second consecutive year, but keep your respective chins up! I mean it could be worse, you could be Cubs fans. Ha, ha, ha. I remember a point in time, when my teammates and I were down on our luck. Long odds against. Wanting to cry like little school girls. Written off for dead, as they wheeled out the fat lady for an aria. We could have given up on ourselves, packed it in, headed for home, wept into our pillows, and waited for the sweet release of death, but gal darn it, we didn't, did we? No, we sure didn't. And you know why? Because we all knew that Bob Stanley sucked.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, it's always darkest before the dawn, every cloud has a silver lining, and there's a Bob Stanley waiting out there for each and every one of you. I know right now you're on the verge of collapse, hearts broken, thinking of switching your allegiance to the Marlins, because every 6 years or so they can produce a World Series championship. But that'll just be a hollow victory for yourselves and everyone will know you jumped on the bandwagon, because everyone knows Marlins fans don't exist. They're as mythical as unicorns, fairies or Alaska. Don't do that to yourselves. Look, right now you just gotta bide your time and keep the faith. It's early in Game 6 and you're panicked, but soon Bob Stanley will be warming up in that metaphorical bullpen, and bing, bam, boom you're back to the promised land! So buck up little campers. Go out, heckle Cubs fans and revel in their misery, cause it can always be worse.

Absolutley yours,
Keith Hernandez

Ladies love him, men want to be him. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Keith Hernandez. You've still got it sir, kudos. I hope this will get Mets fans through the winter.

WEEK FOUR: THREE'S COMPANY, KITNA'S A CROWD

Week 3, was , well, exciting, perplexing, frustrating, just to name a few. Yet, we managed to go a nice little 10-6 for the week. However, The Monday Morning Quarterback and The Sports Guy had identical records, so the leader board stays exactly the same. Now, week 4 is a week where the lowly Lions can't lose! Matt Millen's departure is already paying dividends! Okay, okay, the Lions do have a bye, but that already makes it the best week of the Lions season, so far. Alright enough shenanigans on with the show!

DENVER @ KANSAS CITY: Good news for Chiefs fans: It seems the "Tyler Thigpen Experiment" is over! Bad news: The Broncos are coming to town. Broncos 31-10.

BROWNS @ BENGALS: The Bengals are actually favored in this game? Yep, that's how bad the Browns have looked. If the Browns aren't dominating the 'Gals (their new nickname until they win) at halftime, its time for Brady Quinn "Medicine Woman" to ride in and save the day! Why do I have the feeling the Browns are bringing a white stallion with them to every game from now on, so when BQ does come in, he can gallop in shirtless on the mighty steed? Now that's good PR! I don't know if it has come to that yet, but, with seasoning, Brady Quinn, without a doubt, the next Jon Kitna. You heard it here first folks. And finally the state of Ohio gets their first NFL victory of '08! First of at least 2! Bengals 15-12.

TEXANS @ JAGUARS: Seems like a bizarro world when Gus Frerotte and Sage Rosenfels are seen as season savers, right? If only the Mets could find some of that. Anyway, I feel like Sage could be this year's Derek Anderson. Matt Schaub will be this year's Matt Schaub. Jaguars 17-9.

CARDINALS @ JETS: A recent study over at ESPN.com's Page 2 or ESPN the magazine (sorry can't find the link at the moment), found the Cardinals to be the worst NFL franchise since the 1970 AFL-NFL merger. Brett Favre was number 7. Just kidding, but by their criterion he'd probably be somewhere near the top of the list. The question, though is will Broadway Brett even play in this one? Cards 28-27.

NINERS @ SAINTS: Maybe this'll get Niners fans to stop whining about their place in everyone's power rankings. Saints 35-21.

FALCONS @ PANTHERS: Let's not be too quick to get down on the Panthers. Their only loss was at the hands of future Hall of Famer Gus Frerotte. It would've happened to anyone who dared oppose the Vikes last week. Rest assured the Panthers are as stable as Steve Smith! Panthers 23-17.

VIKINGS @ TITANS: Gus Frerotte's Hall of Fame resume takes a minor hit at the hands of Albert Haynesworth and company. Has anyone seen any "Wait'll We Get Our Haynes...worth On You!" signs? Cause if not, I'm making one! C'mon, that's gold, right? Titans 17-12.

PACKERS @ BUCCANEERS: The Bucs are the enigma of the NFL. They can be good, but maybe they're only mediocre, I can't tell. What I can tell is the Packers should have an easier time with the Bucs than they did with the 'Boys. Packers 24-20.

BILLS @ RAMS: The Bills didn't fare so hot as big favorites last week against the Raaaaaaaidahs, so this could be a trap game for the Billsies. Personally though, I think they'll have learned from their mistakes. Now, as for the Rams? Was Marc Bulger really the problem? Is Trent Green really the answer? Despite the ever so charismatic Green taking the reigns of the offense, I'm gonna go with, no and, no. Bills 21-6.

CHARGERS @ RAIDERS: And just like that the Bolts are at .500! Chargers 35-13.

REDSKINS @ COWBOYS: The Redskins may surprise a few people in this one. Like some may be surprised at how much Romo to Owens can resemble Montana to Rice or how really poor the Skins offense can look. You know, things like that. No, but seriously the 'Skins will lose big, let's say 37-21.

EAGLES @ BEARS: Let's put it his way, Orton vs. McNabb. Even without Westbrook, the Eagles should manage. It's KYLE ORTON for pete sake! Eagles 21-17.

RAVENS @ STEELERS: Hmmm, no Willie Parker, banged up Roethlisberger, coming off a game where they were battered around by Philly, playing a physical ravens team on Monday night? Things not looking great for the Steel men. But Big Ben will play and we'll quickly get the 4-1-1 on Rashard Mendenhall. Now it sounds like they're in a pickle, but they're at Heinz and personally, we feel Mendenhall will be able to cut the mustard, and his performance Monday will be one he'll relish for a long time! Steelers 13-10.

Catch y'all on the flip side.

NEW AND IMPROVED ROUNDOFFS!

How exactly are they improved, you might ask? Um, well,let me think. Let's see, (inner monologue: don't tell them you didn't change anything, make something up. They're getting antsyyyy!) ummm, it no longer contains trans-fats? Plus we've added the Futile Fifteen! Alright moving on, here we go:

You'd think that anyone with Ronnie Brown on their team would be a lucky duck, right? Well, according to Kissing Suzy Kolber, about 75% of Brown owners, including yours truly, had him on the bench. And why wouldn't we? Not even Nostradamus would have predicted that little outburst! I also had Brian Griese on my bench, for those of you scoring at home.

The "Start Brady Quinn"movement continues to gather steam? Now, although we have long been a hater of BQ, we think now is the time to throw him to the wolves! I mean the next two weeks you've got Cincy and a bye week, sounds great! But let's check that schedule after the bye week shall we? The Brownies host the lowly Giants defense, then go to Washington and Jacksonville, host cupcakes Baltimore and Denver, then visit that weak defense in Buffalo. Gets a little better from there as they then host the Texans no-name defense, the Colts, then head to Tennessee to face that porous defense, come home to host the Iggles and their laid back, "let the game come to them" defense, and Cincy, then head to one of their favorite places to play, Heinz Field. I'd be surprised if Quinn was still upright by week 12. Is anyone else seeing how likely it is for the Browns to finish 3-13?

After watching the first three weeks of the NFL unfold, it doesn't seem that far fetched that the Patriots and Colts could miss the playoffs, or that the Bills could earn a first round bye. I also wouldn't be surprised if 7 wins was enough to win the NFC West.

Just a modest proposal, but how about calling Kevin Boss "The Big Boss Man"? If just to see a group of his fans dressed up like the former wrestler in the stands at Giants games. It may be hard to explain the baton and handcuffs to stadium security.

Is it just me or does the Football Night in America highlight show remind anyone of the baseball game in Naked Gun? You know, where they introduce the announcers of the game, and there's like 7 or 8 guys in the booth? My favorite part is where they show the bloopers before the game of the guy getting mauled by a jungle cat and Dick Enberg is in utter shock, while the announcer next to him (I wanna say Mel Allen) laughs uproariously. How about that? What a great flick!

When is ESPN gonna go full VH1 on us and have reality shows with has been, or never were, athletes? Maybe a Surreal Life-esque deal? Just thinking about cast possibilities makes me giggle. Imagine a second brother athlete SurrealLife? Let's see, we'll get Jeremy Giambi, Chris Gwynn, Dan McGwire, Brent Gretzky, whichever Barry brother (perhaps all three?), Gerald Wilkins (okay not 'Nique's brother, but I bet a lot of people thought he was.), Valeri Bure, Billy Ripken, possibly Danny Hurley and of course Ozzie Canseco is a must. Can't you just see Danny McGwire and Ozzie Canseco (who will immediately be dubbed OC or "Oz") being all chummy in the kitchen as they make their MegaMass drinks from GNC? The possibilities are limitless! But what I really want is for someone to somehow get OJ Simpson to mentor Ted Ginn, Jr.
for a show, just so it could be called Ginn and Juice.

THE FAYGO FUTILE FIFTEEN (Faygo in no way supports or endorses anything written herein)
15. Patriots: It's hurts me to put them in here, but how can I leave them off? Ronnie Brown? RONNIE "FLIPPING" BROWN?! Everyone outside of Patriots nation shares a loud laugh at the crumbling of a dynasty.

14. Bears after the half: They have looked sharp early, but have blown double digit second half leads in each of the last tow games. The Rams and Chiefs wish they were that lucky.

13. Texans "D"- I had a hard time putting them in here, after Ike and all, but Kerry Collins scrambled for 30, count 'em 30, yards against them. There's no excuse for that! I can only imagine what David Garrard will do to them next week.

12. Yankee Stadium Farewell: Well, not the farewell per se, but rather the fact that its happening at all. At least they snubbed "The Rocket".

11. Chiefs QB: It's said when Chiefs fans are wondering where their Gus Frerotte is.

10. Seahawks recieving corps: More cursed than the Chiefs QB slot? I mean Logan Payne? Courtney Taylor? Who are these guys?

9. Not ready for primetime Browns: With what may well be the toughest schedule down the stretch, Clevelanders might want to start seeing how the Cavs are looking.

8. JaMarcus Russell: He's completed 32 passes this season. Drew Brees does that in a game. And by comparison, on Sunday Brian Griese completed a little more than four times as many passes as Russell.

7. Matt Millen: Okay, seriously what kind of info is he blackmailing the Ford family with? Cause if has anything to do with them making crappy cars, that secret is already out of the bag.

6. Bengals Hurry-up?: Good job playing for a tie and then predictably losing in overtime. After the game Marvin Lewis should have said, "Hey, it's not always easy to get to 0-3!"

5. Herman Edwards: Is he even paying attention? During practice? The game? Any of it?

4. The "Show Me State": Looking ahead, there's a good chance that the state of Missouri will not have an NFL team win a game this season. If this happens, I say they play the Saturday before the Super Bowl at a neutral site for the #1 pick in April's draft.

3. Martin Grammatica: That must've be a long flight home. Do you think he still had his uniform on as he boarded the team charter?

2. Rams: Aside from, maybe, the Chiefs, is there a team they look like they can beat?

1. Lane Kiffin's job security: I wonder if its hard getting up for work each day, having everyone you work with and, well, everyone who follows the NFL, know you're gonna get fired?

"Is it possible for Tom Brady to win the MVP without playing a full game this year?"- Dan Patrick on Football Night in America

Although it may be a pretty crowded boat on Sunday night, it's good to see Patrick and Olbermann back together. They may be the best part of that show.

HITTING THE LINKS:
Jim Caple lists the 100 most important sports venues. And despite his disclaimer to preface it, there is still much room for debate. Sure I'm biased, but there's no way Camden Yards is #2 and Fenway doesn't crack the top ten.

How do you blog futility? Ask the Ramblin Fan or the Arrowhead Addict.

And we are out!

DRAUGHT TIME ONCE AGAIN!

It's time for the Second Annual "Bitterness is a Fish you Can Catch NFL Draught"! Now we're dealing mostly with NFL Players, so you won't find any Indianapolis Kolsch, Cleveland Lowen-Brown, Cinci-natty Bengal or a Green Bay Dacker.


Phil-sner McKonkey: Looks tame, but this is a pilsener with a "giant" taste.


Eric Hipple-sner: This "lion"-hearted brew is the pride of the menu, and if you're looking for a swig of a tasty pils, then make this your "mane" squeeze.

Ty Law-ger: This is our shut-down lager, so look out! Many have tried to fight the Law-ger, but the in the end the Law-ger wins.

Laverneus Kolsch: Golden and glorious, this "jet"-setting concoction is certainly a winner, that is well worth a try.

Flipper Amber-son: You're not gonna want to just go "ram"-ming this down your gullet. No, no, you savor every last drop of this one!

Jim Am-Burt: Not the classiest brew around, but it's robust and manages to get the job done.

Gayle Ale: A pale ale that is a "bear" on the taste buds, it does not disappoint. This will literally run all over you liver! Oh, wait, I guess, figuratively.

Irish Rhett: As red and full of alcohol as a drunken Irishman, which we realize may be redundant, this goes down deceptively smooth and easy.

Jumbo Ale-iott: The name says it all. Nothing small about this ale, whether it be taste, hops, or ABV, so look out. You've been warned!

VaI-P.A.: Otherwise known as the Sikahema special. Drink too many and you may get a bit Sik...ahema. This I.P.A. hits you harder than Vai ever hit a goal post after scoring a touchdown.


Joseph AddaI-P.A.: You'll be running wild in no time if you start drinking this beer in multiples. It's fourth and goal from the one and this is beer is gonna punch it in! I dunno what that meant really, but this is good, so drink it!


Jason Witte-en: Too many of these could, in fact, leave you at your "witte"s" end, so Cowboy up if you think you can handle it!


Jerry Ball-gian White: If you love Belgian beer, than you will certainly have a "ball" with this one.

Sapp-ricot Wheat: This one is more about hype, than actual taste, but it is still pretty darn good, my friends!


RayBerry Wheat: Fresh picked RayBerries, make this a splendid mix of fruit and beer.


Raheem Bock: This is the "bock" star of the menu right here! As thick and rich as Raheem himself, this one'll sack your taste buds like nobody's business.

Elvis Gr-Bock: You only need one word to describe this brew, and that word is...awesomeness personified!

Amp-erial Stout: This has as many good qualities as Amp Lee has NFL uniforms. Think about it!

Choc-Lett Stout: The name says it all. Big, dark and chocolated!

Ben Coates-meal Stout: As consistent and reliable as it's namesake, this one never disappoints!


SEASONALS:
Faulk-toberfest: A seasonal favorite offered in the fall, this one never fumbles!

Dat Nguyen-ter: As our winter seasonal thsi is perfect on a cold winter's night. Very few beers will warm you up like this!


Well that wraps up another "Bitterness is a Fish You Can Catch NFL Draught", hope you enjoyed!


If you're feeling nostalgic, here's the first ever "Bitterness is a Fish You Can Catch NFL Draught".

THE FINAL FORK

Yes it is now time to launch a new food endeavor. That's right in honor of March Madness we are giving you a delicious menu of college hoops dishes for your enjoyment.

STARTERS:
CHICKEN PENDERS: Golden fried and delicious, fresh from our Providence "deep" Friar (we call it Austin Croshere) served with fries, coleslaw, pickle and choice of honey mustard or barbecue sauce. And if your really daring, go ahead and get the buffalo version, it will not disappoint, unless you're disappointed in awesomeness! Truly a dish worthy of the good old coach.

LEON POWE-TATO SKINS: This dish is as skilled and loaded as it's namesake. The skins of California potatoes, topped with sour cream, chives, bacon bits and packed with flavor. But be ready cause this one can be a real "bear" on the ol' stomach.

THAD MATTA-RELLA STIX: Cheesy and delicious, these golden sticks of fried cheese are absolutely glorious. And of course it comes with some Gerry McNamara-nara sauce for dipping, to make this starter complete.

JUWAN-TON SOUP: A lovely drop of flavor from the orient to get you started, especially if you want to try to create a Fab Five Course meal.

LOADED CHANNING CHEESE FRYES: That's right these bad boys are as loaded with toppings as their namesake is loaded with talent, so recognize! Cheese, bacon bits, chives, scallions, and ranch or sour cream on the side, this "app" will certainly get you in the eating "Zona"!

THE COACH K-SADILLA: Our light an fluffy tortillas filled with cheese, tomato, sour cream and chicken or steak if your daring. This is an old staple here at the Final Fork, but may be starting to grow old and overrated with some of our patrons.

BILL CURLEY FRIES: C'mon? Like you didn't see this one coming?

ENTREES
CHICKEN MARS-ALA ABDELNABY: Savory chicken topped with a lovely marsala wine sauce, that is absolutely to die for! "Double A" would be proud to have his name on this favorite from the old country. Or, well, an old country anyway. This entree could certainly "duke"it out with any other selection on the menu.

VEAL CHILCUTT-LET: Thin and grissly, just like the great Pete Chilcutt. Served with a nice mix of greens, it is arguably the classiest dish on the menu. I said arguably!

JASON TERRY-AKI CHICKEN: The best word to describe this is, "yum"! The chicken is cooked to perfection in our very own terryaki sauce, giving you a taste that will stay with you long after you've finished. Wonderful.

RANDY "PEKING" DUCK: We use only the plumpest, most succulent looking ducks we can find to make this the best around. And don't worry we don't go stingy on the Hoisin sauce!

BIBBY BACK RIBS: Ribs seared to perfection and absolutely smothered in our Eddie House barbecue sauce. Falling right off the bone, you will be in absolute hog heaven enjoying this one! Just make sure you have plenty of napkins handy. Or perhaps a "bib-by"?

CRISPIN FRIED CHICKEN: Two pieces of golden fried chicken, served with Jamal Mash-burned potatoes, a veggie mix and corn bread, this will certainly take the "Nittany Lion's" share of the work to finish.

PASTA:
LARON PROFIT-UCCINI ALFREDO: Fettuccine noodles lightly tossed in our alfredo sauce that is as rich and smooth as Laron himself. There's no doubt that with a dish like this we are sure to turn a "profit".

RIGA-TONY DELK: Rigatoni just like your mom used to make, once you dig in you'll be pulling a Jesse Katzapolis,"Have Mercer, er mercy."

SCOONIE PENNE: Penne and our special tomato sauce with Michael Redd peppers piled seemingly as high as the guard himself. This is a big one, so make sure you keep your "Buckeye"on the prize if you want to finish it.

LOU ROE-TINI: Big and strong just like Lou, this will take you more than a minute, man. To finish that is. So be prepared cause this dish has a lot of "mass"!

DESSERTS:
CHEROKEE LIME PIE: Always a crowd pleaser, this is big chunk of deliciousness, just like Mr.Parks. Trust us when we say, you will not be disappointed.

ARTHUR "CHERRIES JUBI-" LEE: If you haven't had these cherries jubilees, than you haven't had cherries jubilee!

THE TODD "HOT FUDGE SUN"-DAY: You will go "hog wild" for this 3-scoop sundae. Topped with hot fudge, whipped cream, with sprinkles and a cherry on top, this is the perfect ending to any meal and sure to make your...day?

THE BLON-DEE: Maybe even a better finisher than it's namesake, former Illini guard
Dee Brown, this is sure to cap your dinner off with flair!

JAQUES-LATE LAYER CAKE: Named for former Jayhawk, Jaques Vaughn, this dessert is no poser, it's the real deal and must have for any Jaques-late lover out there!


Well that concludes the first ever Final Fork, hope you enjoyed. And if you didn't? Oh well. Enjoy the game!

ALUM-INATING VI

Okay, so by the time you read this, half these teams will no longer be dancing, but alas, they are still apart of the Sweet 16, and we must press on.

MIDWEST
DAVIDSON
Woodrow Wilson is one notable DU alum, as is Burger King CEO John Chidsey. Now I guess Chidsey could be a "whopper"of an alum, but we found one we liked more. The one and only Mary Verner. We know, not exactly a household name, but she is the mayor of Spokane, Washington, which is home to Gonzaga University, which Davidson beat in their first round game. Weird, right? No? Well that's about as interesting as the famous Wildcats get for now, deal with it!

WISCONSIN
There are certainly plenty of famous Badgers out there, to catch the eye, Like Charles Lindbergh and Apollo 13 astronaut Jim Lovell. The late Chris Farley is also Wisconsin alum, but they are not the best one available. You see the Madison campus was also home to one of the greatest double (triple if you count killer looks) threats of all-time. Yes, we are talking about singer/actor, Mr. Tom Wopat. Now for those unaware of Mr. Wopat's credentials, you may know him better as Luke Duke of the Dukes of Hazzard. Yeah, doesn't get much better than that folks! Yeeeeeeeee-haaaaaawwww!

VILLANOVA
Nova is another squad that has already been in our "Alum-inating" segment, causing us to dig for some fresh faces. Sure there is Stanford President, John L. Hennessy, and astronomer Edward Guinn, who discovered Neptune's ring system (who discovered the moons around Uranus, is not mentioned), thank god, are both smart 'Nova people, but we thought we could do better. And having already used Jim Croce in a previous year, we had to really look. And all we could find was 1994 Playboy Playmate and 2004 Penthouse Pet of the Year, Victoria Zdrok. Oh well.

KANSAS
Kansas has made somethings hard on us, being a constant Sweet 16 fixture, but luckily there are famous Jayhawks abound. Now last year Paul Rudd was our go to Jayhawk alum, but we couldn't use him two years in a row, now can we? That was a rhetorical question, people. So this year we are gonna let the public know that Don Johnson was also a Jayhawk. I'm sure the co-star of Miami Vice, is having Philip Michael Thomas over to watch the games this weekend, and perhaps get a little crazy and don some neon tees, and fine cut white sport coats. PMT's Oakwood College did not make the tourney.

STANFORD
Ah, Stanford the Harvard of the west. This was not an easy one, by any means. Especially when you consider that it was home to Vint Cerf, aka "The Father of the Internet". While that is impressive,considering you would not be reading this, if not for his innovative mind, unfortunately Vinty, was a professor and not an alum. But have no fear, thanks in part to VC's help,we used this "internet" to find out that both Fred and Ben Savage (Ben's TV mom on Boy Meets World attended Kansas) attended Stanford, and that's none to shabby for the Cardinal. But wait! That's right we have one that tops even a pair of Savages. Don't believe me? Um, hows about a little someone I like to call Danny Pintauro? That's right, John-a-tin Bower from Who's the Boss! That's a bullseye right there.

TEXAS
There are more than a few notable Horns out in the world, including Matthew McConaughey and Janis Joplin. But it also taught William R. Johnson the president, CEO and chairman of HJ Heinz. You can thank him for delivering us 57 varieties of awesome to the world each and every darn day! I'm sure he is relishing the 'Horns current run, and hopes they can cut the mustard and won't be playing too much "ketch-up".

MEMPHIS
Our loyal readers already know that designing woman, Dixie Carter is a Memphis alum. Of course she was also the wife of Mr. Drummond on Diff'rent Strokes. But, like I said, we've been there, done that. So this time around, we're gonna look at actor and former Senator Fred Thompson. You could know Fred from such cinematic classics as Die Hard 2, Days of Thunder, or Baby's Day Out. Yes Fred is a true acting genius and is probably ecstatic as hell that the Tigers are closing in on the FinalFour.

MICHIGAN STATE
And finally, the Spartans. Yes they have given us some good people like, Sam Raimi and Tom Sizemore, but we found someone even better! You guessed it, James Caan. I don't think we all know the resume here folks. He's no Robert Loggia, that's for damn sure, but he'll due. I'm sure James is hoping the Spartans "caan" win it all.

And that wraps up yet another year of "Alum-ination", hope you've enjoyed, and here's to a bunch of different teams next year! And for those who missed 'em,or just wanna read 'em again, here are your "Alum-inating" archives:

Alum-inating
Alum-inating II
Alum-nating III
Alum-inating IV