FUTILE FIFTEEN

15. McNabb's Ribs- Sound like a place I'd go for some good ol' fashioned BBQ, but alas it is not. D-Nabb's ribs, cracked, broke or whatever, should not be tested in Week 2. I'm no doctor, but it seems like it'd be hard to throw a football with rib problems.

14. Jay Cutler Hype- I've said it before and I'll say it again, what exactly has Jay Cutler shown us? Maybe, just maybe, he's an upgrade from Kyle Orton, but really, who isn't?

13. Wildcat- Really I'm just sick of hearing about the "Wildcat". Formations like this and similar to this have been around for ages, but someone has sustained success (game and half or so), gives it a name, and it becomes all the rage. Blah!

12. Eric Mangini- Seems like the Vikings didn't need more than a few days to prepare for Brady Quinn. One can only imagine what would have happened with Derek Anderson at the helm. Does anyone else think Mangini-us is just overthinking everything to find a competitive edge?

11. Texans- The Jets are improved yes, but the Texans just looked baffled out there on Sunday.

10. Reggie Bush- Someday he's gonna prove he can be an RB1, but that seems to be a long way off.

9. Lions- Although improved, losing your 18th game in a row, is still futile.

8. Jon Gruden- Overall, seems to be a nice addition to the booth, but he called Matt Light, Todd Lyght at least three times on Monday night.

7. Todd Lyght- Poor guy's been retired for quite some time now, and he's getting blamed for pressure on Tom Brady. That and from his name you'd think he was white. And I got him confused with Todd Houlihan!

6. Mike and Mike and Steve- Didn't watch the whole game, but what I heard was more than enough for me to not want to listen. Is it just me or does Mike Greenberg have the perfect voice for print media?

5. Buccaneers- They're just not good.

4. Pittsburgh running game- Well Willie Parker got to the line "fast", but tough to gage his speed from that.

3. Chuck Cecil- Maybe there's someone out there who can explain why he stopped applying pressure to Ben Roethlisberger late in the game?

2. Jake Delhomme- Anyone who watched the Carolina game or just read JD's line, knows what I'm talkign about.

1. Leodis McKelvin- Nothing like making a dumb play to, for all intents and purposes, cost your team the game, and have no remorse about it. The thing about this is, Bobby Avril is one of the best Special Teams coaches there is, and I can't imagine he didn't tell Leodis to take a touchback if he could. Am I right? Sure, no guarantee the Bills win anyway, but the odds are probably a lot better, if you don't give Tom Brady the ball at your 31-yard line with about two minutes left.

SUNDAY MORNING AUDIBLE: COOL YOUR JETS

It's finally here! The games now have some sort of meaning. Sure, there was a game played already, but us true football fans know that today is the day when it really gets going! But here are some other truths you should be prepared for as we sit less than two hours away from football:

• Prepare to have your mind blown. I guarantee you, at least 3 things will surpirse you in Week 1.
• Brett Favre will have a decent game, win against the Browns, and start up the Favre praise-a-tron 3000. Let's everyone just settle down before it happens. He's playing THE BROWNS! Also he has Adrian Peterson! Let's not go through last year again, where everyone lauded him for beating the Dolphins, mostly because his receivers bailed him out a couple of times. So please, can we just stop this before it starts?
• Be ready to hear the term "Wildcat" uttered some hundred and seventy odd times. Now remember plenty of teams used versions of the "Wildcat", the Dolphins just used it more, because, well, their standard offense, um, sucked.
  
• Week one is so meaningful and yet so meaningless. I picked the Colts and Eagles to be upset in week one. If this or any other upset occurs, the talking heads, not the band, will be eager to point out all the flaws in said upsetee, and wonder if they are in trouble. Sure, they may be in trouble, but let's wait it out, shall we? Remember last year when the Colts lost the opener, and then barely escaped going 0-2? People were all up in arms, "The Colts aren't the same, they'll have trouble making the playoffs, yada, yada, yada." And lo and behold, somehow they managed to make the playoffs.
• The Dolphins will not be as good as last year, and not just because people are "ready" for the "wildcat", but because they're not good.
• Somewhere a first year coach will win a game. Read nothing into this.
  
• If I'm right and the Colts do lose, the media will say it's because Tony Dungy and Marvin Harrison are gone. But there's a chance they could have lost this game with Dungy and Harrison. Who really knows?
• Eric Mangini, and the rest of the football watching world, will realize the Vikings didn't need more than a week to prepare for Brady Quinn.
• Chad Ochocinco will score a touchdown, and somehow incorporate insulting Skip Bayless in his celebration.
• Pizza Hut will continue to boggle the mind with their "celebrity" endorsers. Tommy Davidson too big for "the Hut", BOOM, enter Jim Breuer. So who could be on-deck? Breckin Meyer? Shirtless Guttenberg, perhaps?
• Shannon Sharpe will sputter more sentence fragments than any other announcer out there.
• Matt Cassel won't start for Kansas City. Well, now they won't beat the Ravens. Try and note the sarcasm.
• Drew Brees will throw for 427 yds and 3 tds against the Lions. Yes his numbers will be down, cause he will sit out the fourth quarter.
• The Redskins and Giants will bore the ever-loving crap out of anyone watching. If you like running between the tackles, inconsistent passers, field position battles and pooch punts, you'll love Giants-Redskins!
• The Buccaneers will be the least relevant fantasy team. Seriously, if you're starting a Buc, you're probably in trouble.

Well, that concludes our first Sunday Morning Audibles of the season, enjoy the games!

WEEK ONE: WHERE'S KITNA?

You've waited and waited and it's here, it's finally here! The football season is practically upon us and with it your much anticipated, highly beloved, "Bitterness" weekly picks! Please, control your excitement, sit back, stop scouring the internet for the collector's edition DVD of "Inside Schwartz" and enjoy! (record in parentheses are our predicted records for the upcoming season)

TENNESSEE (10-6) @ PITTSBURGH (12-4): The Steelers title defense begins Thursday at the Ketchup Packet against the Titans. I don't anticipate this one being a high scoring affair. The Titans will miss "Phat" Albert Haynesworth, sure, but they should still be pretty tough defensively. That being said, I don't think they can "out Steeler" the Steelers in week 1. If this game took place in, say, week eight or nine, or in Tennessee, than maybe I'd give the Titans a better chance. Plus I just don't see Kerry Collins shredding the 'Burgh's "D", now, or ever. It'll be close, but the Champs will be the first team to one win. Steelers 24-17

DOLPHINS (6-10) @ FALCONS (11-5): A matchup of two of last year's surprise teams. As you can see from my predicted records, I feel one of these teams will come crashing back down to earth. The Dolphins will not build on last year's success, win the division, make the playoffs or even finish .500. And no, it's not just cause everyone has had time to prepare for the "Wildcat" (fun drinking game for the upcoming season, drink every time you here an announcer say "Wildcat"), but simply because the Dolphins just won't be as good. Not that the likes of Chad Pennington, Ronnie Brown, Greg Camarillo, Ted Ginn, Jr., and Anthony Fasano aren't an intimidating offense....The Falcons on the other hand are more of the real deal, I think. The addition of Tony Gonzalez, can only help Matty Ice, especially in the Red Zone. Seems like I'd pick the Falcons to blow the Dolphins right outta of the Georgia Dome, but it's week one, and that's where perceptions get blown to smithereens, sooooo.....I'll have the Dirty Birds escaping by the skin of their teeth. Falcons 21-20

CHIEVES (5-11) @ RAVENS (10-6): Everyone needs to just cool their jets on the whole Sand Cassel hypitty-hype, okay? In my mind, he's proven diddily-squat. Last year's numbers were a result of a GOOD "SYSTEM"! He now has a mediocre, at best, offensive line, a disgruntled Larry Johnson and Dwayne Bowe. Yes, THE Dwayne Bowe. Hardly the fixins for a Playoff gravy train, if you ask me. The Ravens, will be the Ravens. Yes Rex Ryan is gone, but the defense is still Top 5 and Ray Rice is gonna run silly. As in he will run for a lot of yards, not in a silly looking manner. Plus Joe Flacco "Seagulls" (thanks Bill), in theory, should only get better, especially with Todd Heap-ing Helping returning to form.
Ravens 24-13

EAGLES (10-6) @ PANTHERS (8-8): Hopes are high yet again in Philly, and that is somewhat warranted, but McNabb and Westbrook are old by NFL standards. They'll be competitive as usual, but don't go expecting a Super Bowl title or anything fancy like that. Meanwhile, don't sleep on the Panthers. I have them going 8-8, but anything can happen in that wacky NFC South. If Jakey D stays healthy the Panthers could, COULD, turn some heads. I really think they could be anywhere from 6-10 to 11-5. Panthers 27-21

BRONCOS (4-12) @ BENGALS (8-8): Watch out for the Bengals! Remember when the Bengals were the up and coming team of the future? That seemed to fade pretty fast, which means it's the perfect time for Cincy to sneak up on the rest of the league. The Broncos, however, will not be sneaking up anyone. Are they really ready to build an offense around Kyle Orton? But, Josh McD made "Sandy" Cassel look good in New England, so who knows, maybe he can make Orton, extra-Ortonary? And people make a lot out of the former Pats coaches, but what have they done? Mangini was run out of NY, Romeo Crennel did nothing in Cleveland, Charlie Weis helped guide Notre Dame to one of their worst seasons ever. Hardly a stellar selling point. I'll remain skeptical for now. Bengals 35-20

VIKINGS (11-5) @ BROWNS (3-13): Has anyone tarnished their legacy, more than Brett Favre? Remember the Vikes made the playoffs last year, with limited help from the quarterback position, so Favre makes them a borderline Super Bowl contender, now that opposing defenses will have to respect the pass, as well as the run. And they better be a contender, since Favre is a one and done, and they have pretty much insulted their other QBs. The Browns were, the "it" team heading into last season, but they ended up being more of a sh-, well you know. Can Mangenius turn this around? Not this year. Peterson runs wild! Vikings 23-9

JETS (7-9) @ TEXANS (9-7): The Texans should be a tough draw, week in and week out, for sure. Schaub, Slaton and Johnson make for a potent offense, while Ryans and Williams anchor what should be a pretty solid defense. The Jets should also have a stellar defense under Rex Ryan, but the quaterback situation is, well, not so great. Now, I'll try not to dirty Sanchez's reputation too early, but personally I'm not sold on the former Trojan man in any way, shape or form. Texans 28-14

JAGUARS (6-10) @ COLTS (11-5): Seems like not too long ago, this was a premiere AFC South slugfest, buuuuuuuuuut......The Jaguars have been heading in the wrong direction for quite some time now. Inconsisteny has been the main problem in Jacksonville, but they hope to have improved the team chemistry in the offseason to help with that. The Colts are, still the Colts, even with Jim Caldwell at the helm. Now, this is the game to get the Colts, I feel. That is why I am making this my week one UPSET SPECIAL! Jaguars 17-16

LIONS (3-13)@ SAINTS (11-5): Yes, I have more than likely, highly, overrated the Saints, but they are, I believe, very good. Drew Brees will take another whack at the passing yardage record, and the defense with Gregg Williams should be more than passable. Then there's the Lions. Ah, the Lions. The NFL's favorite punchline. The good news is the Lions should be better than last year. The bad news is, they'll still be bad, since it would be almost impossible to be worse than last year. But more good news for Matthew Stafford and Jim "Inside" Schwartz, as expectations are low, since they literally can't lose more games than last year's team. Sounds great. Saints 38-17

COWBOYS (11-5)@ BUCCANEERS (3-13): The 'Boys should be good, but not great, just like the last few years. No more T.O., no more Pacman, no more Q-bert. The only thing keeping Dallas from being serious contenders, in my mind, is Wade Phillips. Seems like a nice guy, but I don't think he's got the killer instinct to take them to the next level. I may have given the Bucs more wins thna they'll actually get. There's a good chance they'll be atrocious. But, the future is bright! Jon Gruden thinks Josh Freeman will be the "toast of Tampa" late in the season. Of course Jon Gruden also had me sold on Bruce Gradkowski , and, well, let's just say that didn't really pan out.......Cowboys 27-16

49ERS (4-12) @ ARIZONA (10-6): The Cardinals have high expectations after last year's Super Bowl trip, and should be able to avoid a let down this year. But a lot if that depends on Kurt Warner and if he can make it through another entire season. If he does they are once again a high-flying offense, with playoff aspirations. I'm not gonna sugar coat this, but The Niners don't have a lot of positives. But hey, if Michael Crabtree ever signs, he could provide a minor spark? I dunno, I tried San Franciscans. Cardinals 31-17

REDSKINS (6-10) @ GIANTS (11-5): This should be another exciting Redskins-Giants opener. The G-men should harass Jason Campbell and make him look even worse than he is, which is no easy task. Eli's overrated, but the defense and running game should help overshadow that in week one and, well, most of the season. Jason Campbell will have that luxury as well, but too a lesser extent. Giants 17-9

RAMS (1-15) @ SEAHAWKS (11-5): I'd call the Seahawks a sleeper pick, but I think plenty of people are aware of them, and hence, not sleeping on them. If Hasslebeck and his receivers manage to stay healthy, this is the team to beat in the NFC West. The Rams are gonna be at least as bad as last year. In all honesty I struggled to find them a win at this point, so it won't take much for them to surprise me. Seahawks 38-17

BEARS (10-6) @ PACKERS (12-4): I, among others, am high on the Packers, which means they will more than likely go 6-10 and not make the playoffs. But seriously, this is the year Aaron Rodgers makes Green Bay forget all about Brett Favre. Until the Packers play the Vikings in week four on Monday Night Football. The Bears are solid, but are the third best team in this division. And when did Jay Cutler become a savior? Has he ever proven himself? I'm not entirely sold on Jay-C as a clutch QB, but I'll guess we'll find out pretty quickly, how good he his, going to Lambeau on Sunday night, then hosting the Steelers in week two. Packers 20-12

BILLS (4-12) @ PATRIOTS (13-3): If Tom Brady goes down again, the Patriots could probably still win the AFC East this year. The Bills can really only surprise me from here. Their preseason was less than impressive, and they fired their OC days before the season starts. They have T.O., but can Trent Edwards keep him happy? More importantly can the Bills keep the fans happy? My guess is no, and this could be the beginning of the end for Dick Jauron, and the beginning of the beginning for Alex Van Pelt. Just give him a clipboard and let him create. Patriots 28-9

CHARGERS (11-5) @ RAIDERS (3-13): I do like that they give us two Monday night openers these days, but the drawback is the second game has to be in the Pacific time zone and too many times we get stuck with the Raiders. Now granted, a high profile matchup would only anger us East Coasters, cause we would want to stay up and watch it, so I guess it's lose-lose for ESPN. Maybe they should just go back to one game? I'm just saying, it doesn't do anyone anyone any good to add a game just for the sake of adding it. Does anyone think this will be a good game? Did anyone circle it on the schedule as a must watch? Did anyone notice how I avoided really talking about either of these teams in this blurb? Is blurb the right word for this? Do you care? Do I still have your attention? Do I still care at this point in the post? Chargers 31-10

And now my season predictions (asterisks indicate wild cards):
AFC East: Pats (13-3), Jets (7-9),'Phins (6-10), Bills (4-12)
AFC North: Steelers (13-3), *Ravens (11-5), Bengals (8-8), Browns (3-13)
AFC South: Colts (11-5), *Titans (10-6), Texans (9-7), Jags (6-10)
AFC West: Bolts (11-5), Chiefs (5-11), Broncos (4-12), Raiders (3-13)

NFC East: Giants (11-5), *Cowboys (11-5), Eagles (10-6), 'Skins (6-10)
NFC North: Pack (12-4), *Vikes (11-5), Bears (10-6), Lions (3-13)
NFC South: Saints (12-4), Falcons (10-6), Panthers (6-10), Bucs (3-13)
NFC West: Seahawks (11-5), Cardinals (10-6), 49ers (4-12), Rams (1-15)

AFC Championship: Chargers over Steelers
NFC Championship: Packers over Seahawks

Super Bowl: Packers over Chargers

If you're mad about any of my predictions, just remember my preseason picks, are rarely correct.

And now your cheese:

THINGS I LIKE ABOUT A-ROD

A now a very special "Bitterness" post, where I list all the things I like about A-Rod. So here we go:
















And this has been things I like about A-Rod.

CIRCUS ACTA

Finally! Finally, the Nationals let that dead weight, known as Manny Acta, go. I think I can speak for every member of National Nation, when I say, it is about frickin' time! You can only give a man so many chances. Manny Acta couldn't win despite being handed all the tools to make it happen.

Terrible General Manager? Check.

Awful farm system? You betcha.

More corner outfielders to clog the basepaths than you can wag a stick at? Most definitely.

Young malcontents? Of course.

An ace to carry the pitching staff? Um, hell-ooooo, John Lannan

Solid bullpen? Two words....Joel Hanrahan

The point here, is it's Crystal Pepsi clear that Manny Acta was given every chance possible to succeed. I mean how long could this go on for?

At some point the Nats front office had to be all, "Alright, we can't take anymore. How many more weapons can we give him to fritter away? It's like we've got the perfect blueprint for a top notch house, but our contractor doesn't know where the walls go! Honestly people, I cannot think of another major league manager who could not win with what we're giving him! It's ri-galdarn-diculous! He is ruining this storied franchise!"

So, fare-the-well Manny Acta. I don't know how you lasted this long, or how you will ever get another job in baseball, after ruining the sport altogether, in our nation's capital? But best of luck to ya, wherever you may land.

ROID RAGE

I am furious at Raul Ibanez! You read that correctly. Now don't get the wrong idea, I have been a fan of Raul Ibanez since he first burst onto the scene with the Royals. Anyone who had him on their fantasy team that year, was certainly a lucky duck. But I am so ticked at Mr. Ibanez, and let me tell you why.

A few weeks ago, the curious case of Raul Ibanez was examined, in-depth, in the blogosphere. Raul Ibanez was off to an absolutely torrid start, which basically led to the inevitable Performance Enhancer question. Why wouldn't it? Although if you read Joe Posnaski's take, you may wanna hold your judgments. But I am not here to throw Raul Ibanez in a lake and see if he can swim. No, no, I am here to help Raul Ibanez redirect his anger.

You see, poor Raul's fast start was somewhat called in to question here by JRod of the Midwest Sports Fan Blog. Now if you really read it, the author of the blog is really giving Mr. Ibanez the benefit of the doubt for the most part. He does not flat out say, "get a urine sample, cause Ibanez is cheating." He says several times that the sample size is too small and he is correct.

Of course Mr. Ibanez issued a statement denying he has ever used any sort of performance enhancing drug or supplement. But he also went to the big old bag of athlete cliches and came out with the, "who cares what this guy thinks? He's just writing a blog from his parents' basement" attack.

It is a classic, for sure, but what Raul and other athletes need to first realize is that people can actually use computers in lots of places. For, example I am typing this from the living room of my own apartment, that I pay for. Also before labelling these bloggers (who are fans) maybe take a look around at the world and culture in which you currently live and work. How many of your fellow athletes have a blog? How about a Twitter account? Blogs are everywhere and the whole "parents' basement" line gets less and less relevant with each passing day.

And think about this. Isn't an athlete judging and stereotyping the blogging community just as a bad as the blogging community jumping to conclusions about athletes using steroids? And if, athletes hold such little stock in what they say, why do the go out of their way to rebuff and attack them? Hmmmm? Hmmm? But I digress. I need to help Mr. Ibanez.

Now, Mr. Ibanez, I can understand your anger, who wouldn't? I mean no one likes to be accused of cheating, right? But here's the thing Raul. (May I call you Raul?) Unless you live under a rock, you had to see these accusations or rumors coming about at some point. I am not here to judge you, Raul (for what it is worth I do not think you took any sort of PEDs) or to speculate reasons for your fast start, but merely to really paint a picture for you.

You see, you are mad at a blogger, not the media, a blogger, for hinting at the fact you may be using PEDs, when he was, for the most part, trying to stick up for you and typing what I'm sure plenty of people were thinking. Raul, you need to redirect your anger. It is not the bloggers or the media who you should be angry with. No,no. It's the likes of Barry Bonds, Roger Clemens, Jose Canseco, Mark McGwire, Rafael Palmiero, Miguel Tejada, Alex Rodriguez, etc. whom you should really be mad at.

These fellas have ruined everything. No big numbers shall ever be looked at the same way again. At least not anytime in the near future. Yes, Raul, it is frustrating, no doubt, but let's not unfairly take it out on the blogosphere.

Blame it on the little circus sideshow MLB put on in front of Congress.

Blame it on Sammy Sosa forgetting his English at just the right time.

Blame it on Mark McGwire not wanting to talk about the past.

Blame it on Rafael Palmiero emphasizing his lies with a glare and finger point.

These are the ones you should be blaming.

McGwire, Palmiero and Sosa, were all nice, beloved ball players, who let us down. Sure Sosa and McGwire were really large and muscular, but Raffy? Come on! Who suspected that?

But, because of their little Congressional sideshow, baseball players everywhere are now guilty until proven innocent and that's just how it is gonna be, maybe forever. Baseball fans really have no choice, we've been burned too many times already.

I'm sure there are plenty of players out there not using PEDs of any kind, but unfortunately, that won't matter. We thought Rafael Palmiero was a nice upstanding ballplayer and look where that got us! How are we to believe anyone? Hmmm? Hmmm?

Dustin Pedroia says his favorite baseball movie is Major League, but how do we know he is telling the truth? How do we know his favorite baseball movie isn't really The Slugger's Wife with Noonan from Caddyshack? The answer is....we don't.

So, sorry Raul, I can understand your anger and your frustration, but if you continue to put up monstrous numbers, people will talk, rumors will abound, and you have to accept this. And again, I do not believe that you are getting "help", but when it comes right down to it, that doesn't mean squat.

All I ask of you Raul, is you realize where exactly your anger should be directed, and why these accusations surface.

It is not the media's fault, it is not a bloggers fault, it is not the government's fault, and unfortunately it is not even George W. Bush's fault.

I know it downright stinks Raul, but the best you can do is just keep doing what you are doing and ignore the doubters and the shouters.

Oh and maybe pee in a cup.

IN OTHER BREAKING "NEWS".....

So Sammy Sosa tested positive for steroids and in other breaking "news'....

• Grass is green.
• The Nationals are terrible.
• Albert Pujols is a good hitter.
• Ice Cream is cold.
• Ladies love Derek Jeter
  
• Greg Maddux is a future Hall of Famer.
• Houston is in Texas.
• Roses are red and violets are blue.
• Hot dogs are delicious.
• Jack Cust strikes out a lot.
• Rain is wet.
  
• The grass is green.
  
• The seventh inning stretch takes place in the seventh inning, and.....
• Steve Gutenburg is one of the greatest actors of our time.
  

THE SCIENCE OF MARK TEXIERA

This is Josh Peck from Nickelodeon's Drake and Josh circa 2003, or is it? Is it "Josh"? Is it?! Or is it Mark Texiera, who has somehow mastered the intricacies of the space-time continuum and possibly cloning, when he was fourteen? Goin' back in time, creating an alternate self, changing his name so he could pursue his first love, acting? Hmmm? Hmmm?! Two Mark Texieras in one universe?! Or is it two Josh Pecks?! bet your mind is blown. But for further proof, I give you Exhibit X:



A picture is worth a thousand words, my friends.

IRABU-YAH?!

Earlier in the season I had wondered to myself what happened to Gustavo Chacin and the within a couple of days I saw a little blurb that he was in the Phillies system. Last week I mentioned how I miss Hideki Irabu so, and the next day I read that he has started his comeback tour (in the same rotation as Jose Lima nonetheless)! This got me thinking, do I have some sort of weird ability to think about certain former Major Leaguers, only to have them reappear in our lives? Could it be true? Well, one can only hope. But I need something to put it to the test, so I have decided to compile a list of Major Leaguers who just kind of dropped off of the baseball map, in our opinion, all too early, that we feel should make a comeback:

• Kirk Rueter
• Rocky Biddle
• Scott Spiezio
• Jung Bong
  
• Jeremi Giambi
• Alex Sanchez (one steroid bust and he just disappears?)
• Bob Hamelin (aw Hambone! You were the next Billy Jo Robidoux! And now, you are, well, almost actually, Billy Jo Robidoux. If you don't make a comeback can you please hunt down Billy Jo Robidoux and collaborate on some sort of project? Possibly a rib joint?)
  
• Benny Agbayani
  
• "Crazy" Carl Everett (come on, he ain't no dinosuar for crying out loud!)
  
• Luis Rivas
• Roger Cedeno
• Junior Spivey
  
• Rickey Ledee
  
• Byung-Hyun Kim (there was always something dirty sounding about his name?)
  
• Ben Grieve
• Kevin Mench (a real Mench!)
  
• Matt Franco
• Antonio Alfonseca
• Ugueth Urbina (well, okay he's in some third world prison, but one can dream)
• Shane Spencer
• Sean Burroughs
• Nook Logan (um, awesome nickname, we need him to help heal the country)
  
• Choo Freeman (see above)
  
• Ken Harvey
  
• Jason Simontacci
• Tike Redman (once the Pirates future, then....?)
  
• Wes Obermueller
• Rube Baker
  
• Scott Sauerbeck
  
• Eli Marrero (he's a stud in EA Sports MVP Baseball '05, what happened?)
  
• Amaury Telemaco
• Tomakazu Ohka
• Jonathan Lipnicki (okay, not a baseball player, but we think its time)
  
• Shea Hillenbrand
• Carlos Febles
  
• Tanyon Sturtze
• Timo Perez
• Hee-seop Choi (he can sop anything he wants, am I right?)
  
• Esteban Yan (hee-hee his name rhymes)
  
• Billy Koch

Alright, well now its just fingers crossed time.

ROUNDOFFS: MORE THAN MEETS THE EICHORN

• Houston Astros? More like Houston Lastrohs, am I right? I probably didn't come up with this, but I still think it's funny.
• Branyan watch: .324, 6HR, 14 RBI, 1.043 OPS. I think they should start flooding Seattle supermarkets with Raisin Branyan cereal any week now! No? Branyan Flakes?
  
• I kinda wish Kurt Suzuki would follow Ichiro's lead and put his first name on his jersey instead of his last. I'd buy a "Kurt" jersey.
• Remember Emilio Bonificio?
• One complete game and everyone's ready to jump on the Sharion Martis bandwagon. I realize its the Nats and they'll take what they can get, but the media makes it seem like he's piling up the quality starts or something.
• The bandwagon you need to be hoppin on is the Wandy Rodriguez one.
• Did Cole Hamels walk under a ladder, while a black cat was crossing his path?
  
• I think the problem with the Mets is they're just too darn bland. There's no "fire", no "je ne sais pas". Who's the Matt Franco of this club? The Roger McDowell? The Al Leiter? The Benny Agbayani? Don't get me wrong I'm sure that Ramon Castro is a real card in the clunhouse.
  
• Watch out for Alberto Callaspo, he's making the most of the extra ABs.
  
• Matchup of the week: Pirates-Brewers. Monday night. Maholm vs. Gallardo. Have some!
• Buy low fantasy player of the week: Magglio Ordonez. Mags is due to breakout any second now!
  
• Sell high fantasy player of the week: Ricky Weeks. Okay, I know no one is really all that high on Rickie Weeks, but he's playing the best he'll probably play all year, so if you gotta another 2B, than see if you can move him for middle relief or something.
  
• Jason Marquis is pitching well?
• AFLAC trivia of the week: Hee-seop Choi is has more home runs in the majors than any other Korean born player, with 40. Shouldn't take Shin-Soo Choo too long to beat that.
  
• Usually I am all for the throwbacks, especially powder blue ones, but there's something irksome about the ones the Jays sport.
• Brewers throwbacks on the other hand? Absolutely gorgeous!
  
  
• Last week Jorge Cantu had 14 RBIs! Fourteen! Dang!
  
• Seriously, who exactly is gonna win the AL Central?
• Who says the art of base stealing is dead? Days after Dexter Fowler stole five bases in a game, no small feat in itself, Carl Crawford ties a record by swiping six bags in a game against the Sawx. I'm no Elias Sports Bureau, but I'm thinking its probably rather rare that twice in a week someone steals 5 or more bases in a game.
  
• Speaking of the Sawx, get ready for the rest of the league to be overshadowed for two days as the Sawx take on the Yanks tonight and tomorrow.
• Just for esses and gees, Kurt Stillwell.
• And your baseball beer of the week is..........Cooperstown Brewing's Nine Man Ale. A light golden ale with some fine English pale and crystal malts and torrified, not to be confused with horrified, wheat. enjoy!
  

FANTASY FOOFARAH: THE WRIGHT STUFF?

David Wright may be the most boring fantasy baseball star out there. Now, before all you fans of the Metropolitans get all in a tizzy, let me explain. I am not saying that David Wright is not a great player or that he is generally dull. No, no, no. Now, will he hit over three hunny? More than likely. Will he slug 30 plus dingers? Sure. Will he drive home 125 runs or more? Probably. Let's face it, David Wright is a fantasy baseball beast, and puts up all-around great numbers, but its how he gets to these numbers, that makes him one of the most boring fantasy ballplayers around. Confused yet? Well the thing is, he never “seems” to have huge nights. Or weeks, for that matter. Still not understanding? Well, that's because I'm still getting there! Hold your horses! Alright, think about it this way: a season of +.300 BA, with 35 dingers and 125 RBIs, is generally considered pretty darned solid, right? That's rhetorical, the answer is “yes”. But really break it down. There's 25ish weeks in the MLB season, which means that a guy with 35 taters and 125 RBIs in a season, would, on average, need only hit less than 1.5 homers a week and drive in 5 runs to accomplish that. Hardly monster numbers, to say the least, yet not a lot of guys even do that. But what makes David Wright so boring, is that he “seems” to do that week in and week out. Rarely do you get a “sexy” 5-5, 3HR, 6RBI night from the Mets slugger, nor do you get huge week. I mean, sure from time to time he'll have a few hits in a game and put some big numbers on the board, but more often than not he gets to his big season-end numbers in the most boring way possible. In fact if you had him in head-to-head leagues last year (as I did) you may have noticed this. B-O-R-I-N-G, boring. Now, sure, consistency is good, but for a first-rounder you want a guy that'll help carry your team most weeks, am I right? 1-2 homers and 5-6 RBIs a week from your top pick, is probably not gonna get it done. Now I know what your thinking, “But isn't it good to know that you'll get that week in and week out?” Sure, because most guys will have to balance big weeks, with mediocre-to-very bad weeks, it seems guarantees are good. In my AL-only league, for instance, I have Miguel Cabrera and Carlos Quentin, two major fantasy studs, who provided absolutely nothing offensively for me last week. I still managed to win my game, and I know its only a matter of time before they have a huge week. Its just more fun, if your a stat geek like me, to check the box score and see those gargantuan digits in your guys stat columns. I mean, personally I would rather have the huge weeks here and there, but maybe that's just me? But watch your leagues throughout the year and see where the guys who took David Wright are in the standings. I contend that those who took David Wright with their first picks in head-to-head leagues will not, I repeat, not, finish in first. Unless they are very savvy fantasy players or are in a league filled to the brim with dimwits. If you have David Wright, trade him! Run! Don't walk to you fantasy roster and move him, ASAP! If you're in one of my fantasy leagues, I will take him off your hands, just to prove my point, because I am a nice guy. But you're not gonna get huge value for him. You'll thank me later. Hope you enjoyed the first of many Fantasy Foofarahs, where I'll be giving you valuable fantasy advice and nuggets all season long!

ROUNDOFFS: AT LEAST BETTER THAN CHIEN-MING WANG

• What's wang with Chien-Ming? Well, when you don't strike guys out, but rather, rely on a sinker to get grounders, and then that sinker don't sink, well, you do the math.
  
• Quote of the week: "He's coming into a spot you wouldn't give to a leopard..."- the incomparable Vin Scully.
  
• Make fun of Carl Pavano, and he pitches well? Don't worry, he was a little more Pavano-ish against the Twins on Saturday.
• When the Rays are hitting, they are fun to watch.
• Quick! Off the top of your head name the current starting rotation for the Toronto Blue Jays! You can't do it, can you?! Its easy, allow me. Roy Halladay, Southpaw, What's his Name, Newbie, and Gustavo Chacin. BOOM!
• Speaking of Chacin, who had surgery and disappeared to parts unknown....he is actually in the Phillies organization. Who knew?! Maybe the Phillies. Maybe! Chacin is the first one to suffer the fragrance curse. It was not long after Gustavo Chacin Cologne night at Skydome, that his career took a turn. I did not make that up, it was a real promo! It is Canadia, so......
• The Nationals are just downright awful.
  
• Zack Greinke has not allowed an earned run in 29 innings this season! If you like pitching, you need to watch Greinke work! Although maybe not in his next start, since, I've more than likely just jinxed him.
  
• On the flip side, Matt Lindstrom gave up seven, yes SEVEN, earned runs in two-thirds of an inning against the defending World Champion Phillies on Friday night, erasing Josh Johnson's quality start.
• The uniforms the Padres wore on Saturday night were nothing short of wonderful!
• Russell Branyan hit is fourth homer of the season this weekend. I'm just saying.
• Of course Brandon Inge, yes Brandon Inge, has 7 homers, so anyone who has him on their fantasy team is a lucky duck!
  
• Watching the Dodgers hit is just good ol' fashioned fun.
  
• Seriously the Nationals are just horrendous.
• If I had to choose, I'd say Bengie's probably my favorite Molina.
• I think its safe to say Daniel Murphy won't be winning a Gold Glove anytime soon. Not only has he made two very costly errors in left, but he has managed to fall down twice, which is, well, funny. Not to Mets fans though I guess.
• Nyger Morgan is just plain having fun out there!
• Am I the only one who misses Hideki Irabu?
• Your "buy low" fantasy player of the week is (drum roll) Adrian Beltre. Beltre is off to a horrendous start and was actually dropped in two of my leagues! But I'm telling you, he has been as steady as they come over his career in a Mariner uni and he's in a contract year. His owners are panicking. Make your move!
• Your sell high fantasy player of the week: Zack Duke. I'm not saying Zack Attack won't be good or friends forever, but I think he won't be this good, and you can get value for him right now.
  
• Matchup of the week: Santana-Johnson II. Their first duel featured a 2-1 Marlins win, with Johnson throwing a complete game and Santana not giving up an earned run, but still losing, thanks to the aforementioned Daniel Murphy. Look for something very similar in Round 2. And if I'm Josh Johnson, I do not wanna leave this game with a lead.
  
• Remember when the Marlins were 11-1?
• Or when the Red Sox were 2-6? Seems like ages ago.
• Oxymoron of the week: Yankees relief-pitching.
• Never been a huge fan of Norm Chad, but he kinda hits some nails on the head with this one.
• Really not seeing anyone running away with the AL Central this year.
• Nor any reason the Dodgers shouldn't run away with the NL West.
• Reason #14 to get the MLB Extra Innings Package: Mark Grace. He is awesome. See for yourself!

• Not only does Ian Kinsler have awesome hair, but he can hit a bit too!
• And finally, your Beer of the week is in honor of the red hot Red Sox. Green Monsta Ale from Wachusett. A flavorful Pale Ale, that goes down great with Sawx wins. Its not the top pale ale out there, but is easy to drink down whilst watching America's pasttime.

"NOTHING SAYS BASEBALL, LIKE FAT MEN DANCING"

• This is the dance team you get when no one comes to your games.
• Worst. Village People cover band. Ever.
• What would you do for a free Craig Counsell jersey?
• Faaaaaaat guuuuuuuuy, in a little coat, er, jersey. Faaaaat guuuuuyyy in a little jersey!
  
• Bocephus and friends?
• Reason #127 to get the MLB Extra Innings Package!
  
• Well, those not invited to Dolphins camp, had to find something to pay the bills!
  
• Al Newman has really let himself go!

These are the Man-atees! The plus-size, all-male, Marlins cheerleading squad! Guess, I'm a little late to the game on this one, as it was all the buzz last winter, when they held tryouts, but I got my first sighting last night and, well, to say it was surreal, would, well, not even do it justice!



Don't worry the Man-atees will make regular appearances here at "Bitterness", but do they have what it takes to beat out the Rally Van Damme?

NFL DRAUGHT

Yes Bitternessians, it is once again that time of year! Yep, war rooms, "upside", flashy suits, booing New Yorkers and of course the best part, at least in my humble opinion, the Bitterness is a Fish You Can Catch NFL Draught! Please, please, hold your applause. This year we're gonna mix it up slightly, but not too much, because, well mostly because, we fear change. But we don't wanna give away the surprise. For those of you new to the "Draught", what the heck is the matter with you! I kid. But seriously? Anyway in the off chance that this is your first NFL Draught, here's how it works, we concoct a delicious NFL related tap list. Now you won't find a Tedy Bruschi or former lineman Sam Adams. No, no it's much better than all of that! In fact this year, wait for it, we're not even using players! What?! No players?! In the words of Ralph Wiggum, "That's unpossible." But, do not fret, it'll be okay. Just breathe, grab a brew, and enjoy!
BUFFALO PILS- Light. Crisp. Refreshing. Oh wait that's Diet Pepsi. This is a nice light brew, that's highly drinkable.

INDIANAPOLIS KOLSCH- A nice brew as golden as the plains of Indiana. As delicious as the Buffalo Pils, but with a tad more bite.

NEW ENGLAND PALE-TRIOT ALE- Light amber in color, with a nice balance of piney hops and caramel malt backing.
PHILADELPHIA EAG-ALE- This high-flying IPA will have you soaring from its 8.2% ABV. Fly Eag-ale, fly!

MINNESOTA HEFE-VIKING- A big bad Belgian with big bad citrusy aroma, that reels you in. You'll wanna pillage and plunder this one for sure!

ST. LOUIS RAMBER- An amber with some kick, you'll wanna grab this one by the horns!
CHICAGO BEAR-LEYWINE: As potent as a hit from Brian Ur-lager, this beverage will knock you on your Butkus!
WASHINGTON IRISH REDSKIN ALE- Creamy, red and delicious! This one'll put you in hog heaven!

TAMPA BAY BOCK-ANEER- This is a Bockstar! A nice dark reddish color, with incredible maltiness!

CLEVELAND BROWN ALE- A nice roasted malt flavor, helps give this brown ale its character. Dark and rich, with a nice smooth finish, this rocks as much as Cleveland.
OAKLAND-AGED RAIDER STOUT- Oak-aged to perfection, this one is as dark and robust as your average Raider fan, but slightly less scary!
MALTIMORE RAVEN STOUT- As hard hitting as the Ravens "D", this one is absolutely stoutstanding!

And for those who like to really keep it real we also have the San Francisco Forty-Ouncer, a glowing example of malt liquor!

So have fun and drink up!

ROUNDOFFS: AT LEAST BETTER THAN CARL PAVANO

It was yet another exciting opening week of Major League Baseball, unfortunately with some tragedy thrown in. Our thoughts and prayers are with Nick Adenhart and the other victims of that car crash and their families. Let's take a look at what else went on in baseball's opening week:

• Who flipped the AL East standings around? The Jays in first, followed by the Os, Yankees, Rays and Red Sox. Literally the exact opposite of my prediction for the season.
  
• Other division leaders: Mariners, Padres, Cardinals, Marlins and Braves?
  
• Text sent to my friend Matt after Carl Pavano's return, "So much for Carl Pavano's triumphant return." The response, "There's nothing triumphant about being Carl Pavano. It's not like being John Malkovich." So true.
• Our quote of the week though, comes from a Nats-Marlins game last week. Now because I was flipping through different games, I'm not sure which announcer was responsible for this, but nevertheless here it is, "Nick Johnson's mother is Larry Bowa's brother. So Larry is Nick Johnson's uncle." Well any way you slice it, Bowa would end up being Nick's uncle, but I guess we'll have to wait until another game to find out how Nick's mom, in fact, became Larry Bowa's brother.
• Albert Pujols: still pretty good at hitting.
• Remember in 2008 when Cliff Lee carried the Indians rotation? Well, Cleveland, it's not 2008 anymore.
• Evan Longoria may be for real. He may not finish with the 135 homers he's on pace to hit, but 30 seems very reasonable.
• Emilio Bonifacio sure can run, but amidst his week one heroics, many may not have noticed the Pirates Nyjer Morgan having a solid week of his own.
• I'm not sure if I'd say Josh Johnson outdueled Johan Santana on Sunday, since Santana had slightly better numbers, but he did win, and he is for real.
• After the Rangers pounded the Tribe on Opening Day, they looked like they could have a fightin' chance this year, but it didn't take long to remember the Rangers can't pitch (they surrendered 28 runs in the next three games).
  
• The more I look at the AL Central, the more I think the Royals have a legitimate shot at making the Playoffs.
• For those that doubt my fanatsy strategy of not drafting "aces" early, peep these numbers: Tim Lincecum (0-1, 7.56 ERA), CC Sabathia (1-1, 4.50), Jon Lester (0-1, 9.00), Roy Oswalt (0-2, 6.23). Sure its early, but wouldn't you rather have a bunch of sluggers? Odds of all of your bats slumping at the same time, not as great.
  
• Meanwhile, some pitchers you could've snagged in the 7th round or later, after loading up with sluggers, in most fantasy leagues: Josh Johnson (2-0, 0.57), Aaron Harang (1-1, 0.64), Chris Volstad (1-0, 1.80), John Danks (0-0, 0.00), Paul Maholm (1-0, 1.32) and Zack Grienke (2-0, 0.00).
• One team that has lived up to expectations thus far is the Nationals. They are very much as bad as everyone thought. John Lannan is their ace, for pete's sake! George Dubya Bush looked pretty good throwing out the first pitch last season, maybe they could use him as a middle reliever, he's got some free time.
  
• Your buy low fantasy pick up of the week this week is of course Nyjer Morgan, cause chances are Emilio Bonifacio went faster than a tray of cheeseburgers at fat camp! Now Nyjer is not gonna give you power, but he should get on and run around quite a bit!
  
• Jason Motte is making me look stupid, which I think you all know is, extremely hard to do.
• The Nationals may be the "sexy" losers, but the Astros are no slouches themselves. Well, why sell them short, they're tremendous slouches.
• For those who don't hold much stock in the year-after-effect for pitchers who throw more than 30 innings over their previous season highs, take a look at this list of the pitchers who had the biggest increases last year: Lester, Hamels, Billingsley, and Lincecum. Just some food for thought.
• This week's series of the week, is this weekend's Cubs-Cardinals series. Already a bitter and storied rivalry, the fact that the two teams head into the week atop the NL Central should only add fuel to the fire.
  
• I guess I was wrong when I said the Yankees did not fix their bullpen needs with their offseason spending spree. Nick Swisher looked pretty solid in his first, and hopefully not last, relief outing of the season.
  
• Most underrated 1-2-3 of a rotation? Meche, Greinke, and Davies. Unfortunately, the Royals 4-5 starters are Sir Sidney Ponson and Horacio Ramirez.
  
• The Indians must be glad they Shin-Soo Chose, Shin-Soo Choo. He's not as flashy as former Indian Taka Tanaka, but he'll get the job done.
• Your "Bitterness" Baseball Beer of the Week for Week 2 is Brooklyn Pennant Ale '55 in honor of both New York teams opening up their new parks.

Well, that wraps up another edition of Roundoffs. Hope you enjoyed and here's to a great week of baseball.

10 THINGS YANKEES FANS LEARNED ON OPENING DAY

1. CC needs that extra deep dish pizza before each start. Don't try and control him Yankees, his diet is time tested.
2. Mark Texiera cannot walk on water. In fact he may not even be able to float in water.
3. Nor can he turn aforementioned water into wine.
4. Despite what you may think, CC does not like cold weather.
5. The camera does not add 120 pounds, CC is, in fact, that big.
6. CC cannot sing REM's, "It's the End of the World as we Know It" perfectly, during karaoke.
7. CC will not dominate every time out.
   
8. The Orioles hitters aren't that bad.
   
9. Signing Texiera, Sabathia and Burnett did not fix the bullpen.
10. The Orioles magic number is 161.
    

ROUNDOFFS: HGH FREE BASEBALL PREVIEW

• Okay, can everyone stop asking who this year's Rays will be, as if what they did last year, is common occurrence? No perennial last place teams will make the World Series this year. But the team with the best shot is probably the Royals, who could make the playoffs. Their division is probably the most wide open, and they have mad key, albeit unsexy, improvements. But, having said that, I think a lot of people are calling this and ready to jump on the Royal bandwagon, which usually means it won't happen.
• As for the Rays, they were not a fluke!
• And this year's Rays can't be last year's Rays, its scientifically impossible.
• For what the Yankees spent in the off-season, you'd think they'd have less holes. That outfield is intimidating though with Brett Gardner, Xavier Nady and Johnny Damon. Look out!
• Though, Giambi did leave a big thong to fill.
• Kinda wish Phil Coke and Rocky Cherry pitched out of the same bullpen, for nice 1-2 punch of Cherry-Coke.
• I don't buy into David Price. There, I said it! To be quite honest it looked he was given a large strike zone in the playoffs, which won't continue.
• Here are some names you should look out for this season: Scott Lewis and Josh “Don't call me Richard” Geer.
• I love Jon Lester and his story, but look for him to hit the DL at least once this year.
• I mean, why did Terry Francona all of sudden turn into Dusty Baker? He just let Lester pitch and pitch.
• I don't know what the Giants financials look like, but I think Manny would've been a good investment for them. Not that Bengie Molina and Fred Lewis aren't a formidable 3-4 or anything.
• Where have you gone Hideki Irabu?
• Another team on the rise? How about the Reds? They could very well win their division. If Aaron Harang returns to form, Bronson Arroyo has a solid year, Edison Volquez builds on last year, Johnny Cueto lives up to the hype, and the Cubs flop, which let's face it could happen. They are after all, the Cubs.
• I don't find Ryan Braun all that attractive. Now Tim Lincecum on the other hand.....
• Terry Francona is overrated.
• You heard it here first, Russel Branyan will quite possibly have a career year!
• I haven't jumped on the Jacoby Ellsbury bandwagon just yet.
• As for Pedro Alvarez, well that's a whole 'nother story for a whole 'nother time.
• The Orioles could score quite a few runs this year. Only problem is, they don't have any way of preventing other teams from doing the same.
• Calling Kerry Wood a step up from Joe Borowski is like saying Ford is a step up from Chevy.
• For you fantasy baseball folks in deep leagues, pick up Mike Fontenot or Jed Lowrie if you want to win. Don't expect Chase Utley-like numbers, but don't expect Rickie Weaks numbers either. Fontenot can rake, and hit, plus he's in a potent lineup. Lowrie's not gonna hit 3 hunny, but he should get at least 75-80 RBIs, which is money for a late round SS in deep mixed or AL-only leagues.
• Looking for relief, watch out for Steven Shell. He will be the Nats closer, by season's end.
• Before you moan and groan at another celebrity trying his hand at baseball, that's Eric Stults on the Dodgers roster, not Mask (not to be confused with The Mask) star Eric Stoltz.
• The Marlins won't make the playoffs, but should be very, very pesky. I think this Hanley Ramirez fella, might be pretty good. Plus they may have the best starting rotation in the bigs. Sorry Texas.
• Stat you may not know: Gil Meche was in the top 5 in strikeouts last year, after the All-Star Break.
• Not really sure why everyone was so shocked that USA lost in the WBC? I mean, the Far East has been producing better quality products for quite some time. I didn't see any of the games as my American made VCR broke while recording.
• Now, of course when decent players retire, we inevitably get barraged with the old Hall of Fame debate. And most cases can be argued either way, but I feel that while stats are important, they shouldn't be the only factor. So I'm gonna say it, “Put him in! Corey Koskie deserves it!”
• This year's division winners will be: Red Sox, Twins (they're pitching is as solid as it gets), Angels (best in the AL West doesn't necessarily mean much), Phillies (um, they added Raul Ibanez, those lucky ducks), Reds (had to shake things up somewhere) and the Diamondbacks (they can pitch past the Dodgers).
• Wild Cards: Rays and Cubs
• MVPs: Ryan Braun and Carlos Quentin
• ROYs: Matt Wieters (call it a sleeper pick) and Jason Motte
• Cy Youngs: Josh Beckett and Johan Santana
• Comeback Players of the Year: Khalil Greene and Carl Pavano (all he's got do is hit like .245 and the award is his).
• This year's Ryan Ludwick: Russell Branyan
• K-Rod will not even reach 50 saves.
  
• This year's Cliff Lee: Javier Vasquez
• Batting Champs: Jimmy Rollins and Kevin Youkilis (Howie Kendrick if he stays healthy)
• Home Run Champs: Carlos Quentin and Ryan Howard
  
• This year's David Price: Daniel Bard?
• Its Sox over the Cubs in 6.
  

WHAT'S IN A NICKNAME?

Time to breakdown the NCAA Tournament, in a way only I can, by team nicknames of course. Now I could waste your time analyzing Ty Lawson's toe (just one thought on the toe: why is it such a big deal for him to miss the 1^st Round game anyway? I mean why not just rest him? I know the Tar Heels aren't as good without him, but is anyone now picking Radford to advance? Well?) or UCONN's #1 seeding, yada, yada, yada, but that's nothing you haven't read about furiously over the last three days or so. So, we're going in a slightly different direction, Bon appetite!

In the field of 65, 34 schools have animal nicknames, while 21 have human nicknames

Nine teams have feline nicknames, seven have aviary or bird nicknames, and five have dog nicknames.

The most popular nickname in this year's tourney? That would be Eagles and Tigers with four.

There are three Bulldog squads and two each of Panther, Wildcat, Husky, Golden Bear, Aggie and Viking.

But, there can only be one Highlander squad and that would be Radford.

Unfortunately Cincinnati is not in the field of 65, so there will be only one team of Bearcats. That of course being Binghamton.

And no Bucknell, means North Dakota State will be the only Bison roaming the fields of 65.

Out West.....

It'll be a dog fight in Portland when the Huskies of Washington grapple with the Mississippi State Bulldogs.

If the top four seeds in the West advance to the Sweet Sixteen, we'll be treated to Huskies (UCONN) vs. Huskies (Washington) and Tigers (Missouri) vs Tigers (Memphis). Bet that had something to do with the committee's seeding.

Best team name in the region? Cal St.-Northridge Matadors. Unfortunately neither Buffalo nor South Florida made the tourney, preventing the Bull vs. Matador matchup from happening. The Matadors are probably in for an early exit, as Tigers can accelerate a bit faster than Bulls.

Meanwhile on the other coast....

The Volunteers will fight with the Cowboys', probably over land or something, when Oklahoma State squares off with Tennessee.

While the Musketeers of Xavier will try and fens off the raid of the Portland State Vikings.

The Buccaneers of East Tennessee State will lock up with the Pittsburgh Panthers and a good old-fashioned NFC South battle, plus...

The winner of that game could end up meeting the Cowboys in the second round, and if some huge upsets occur, the Vikings in the Sweet Sixteen and either the Rams or Eagles in the Elite Eight!

Now the Rams and Eagles could be headed for a second round skirmish, if American and Virginia Commonwealth can both pull off first round upsets. Not likely, but you never know, that's why its called March Madness and not March Everything Goes According to Plan.

Yes, an American University athlete is an American Eagle, just like the clothing store.

And of course the matchup, we'd love to see in nature, Gophers vs. Badgers.

And then there's the outside chance of a Cowboys-Indians (Seminole to be precise) if Oklahoma State and Florida State make it to the Sweet 16.

Southern comfort....

While it is far from likely, if 7^th seeded Clemson and 8^th seeded LSU get to the Elite 8, we would have some Tiger on Tiger action, plus if things get really crazy they could possibly meet a Tiger team (Memphis or Mizzouu) in the Championship game.

Of course the best 1^st round matchup is the Zips vs. Zags, which will be the first ever tournament game between two teams with three letter nicknames starting with “z”. Now I know, Gonzaga is actually the Bulldogs, but they have unis with “Zags” on them, which is good enough for me. Having said that....

If Gonzaga advances to the Sweet Sixteen, there's a small possibility they could meet Butler for a Bulldogfight.

Favorite nickname: Stephen F. Austin Lumberjacks

Midwest

Biggest first round game of name interest is Kansas versus North Dakota State. “Why”, you may ask? Well not only does Kansas hold the NCAA record for being upset by teams with “B” nicknames. The Bradley Braves and Bucknell Bison being the most recent, but they have not beaten a Bison team this century in the tournament! Yes North Dakota State is, in fact, the Bison. A Kansas loss would, quite possibly give them the record for most 1^st round losses to Bison in the NCAA Tournament.

The 2^nd Round could feature the Spartans going at it with the Trojans. Talk about Greek style!

A possible Sweet Sixteen matchup could feature the Demonic Deacons of Wake Forest versus the Saints of Siena, in a battle of good versus evil.

There could be a Regional Final for the birds, as the Cardinals of Louisville could meet either the Eagles of Boston College or the Jayhawks of Kansas.

Other nuggets:

The last time two teams with the same nickname meant in the final would be 1997, when the Arizona Wildcats defeated the Kentucky Wildcats.

Odds of that happening this year: Not good.

The Eagles are seeded 6, 7, 13 and 16

The Tigers are seeded 1, 3, 7, and 8 and the one and three seeds are in the same region.

The Bulldogs are seeded 4, 9 and 13.

Both Viking teams are seeded 13^th, which could mean something.

The Bears are 6, 7 and 15.

Wildcats are 3 and 12.

Aggies are 9 and 11, and if that weren't enough og a long shot, they are in the same region!

Same for the Huskies, seeded 1 and 4 in the same region.

And the Panthers are 1 and 12 seeds.

So there ya have it, enjoy the games!

FANTASYLAND

With baseball season being almost upon us, it of course also means, fantasy baseball season is also almost upon us. And many of you fanatics are probably poring through stat after stat, fantasy magazine after fantasy magazine, looking to find a certain edge. But, you see, I am sort of, what they call a fantasy baseball guru, and a good sportsman, so here today I am going to offer fantasy advice for those of you, who are playing against me in fantasy baseball, and only those playing against me in fantasy baseball. If you are not going to be in a league with me (well, few are in my league, really), than you may read on if you will, but this advice is meant only to help my opponents, so just know that. Anyway, away we go with fantasy baseball advice for my fantasy baseball opponents:

• Get closers and catchers early. Most people will tell you not to, so you can get a jump on the competition. Premium closers and relievers are scarce, get 'em while you can, so you don't end up with the next Greg Olson or Gregg Olson.
  
• Homers are facist! Get some guys that steal bases early. Like a Willy Taveras.
  
• Age over beauty. Much like in actual baseball, you're gonna want plenty of veteran leadership on your fantasy squad. Young guys are unproven, try and grab guys over 35 years old. The older the better. Randy Johnson, Scot Rolen, Tim Wakefield, Jamie Moyer, Moises Alou, the list of elder stars could go on for minutes.
• If you really do want youth, really go for youth. 22 and under. So really stay away from those players in the 23-35 range as much as possible.
• Stay away from guys whose names end in "ez", There's no telling how old they really are, and that spells trouble.
• Stay away from guys who have been injury free. All that staying off the DL in the past means is that they are due for a major injury. You know, your Lance Berkmans, Roy Halladays, CC Sabathias, and Miguel Cabreras.
  
• The reverse is true as well. Pick guys who are often injured. They are due to make it through a season safe and sound. Its the law of averages, it just makes sense. Think Hank Blalock, Howie Kendrick, Troy Glaus
  
• The same can be said for the "big" stat guys. Guys who continually put up "big" numbers are due for a drop. I think it was Dick Van Patten who said, "What goes up must come down." So avoid big names like Pujols, Wright, and Beltran. And....
  
• Those who have faired poorly for a number of years are due to break out. On draft day, look for guys like Bobby Crosby, Nate Robertson, Kenji Johjima, and Richie Sexson.
  

So there are just a few draft day tips for my fantasy opponents. Hope this helps and good luck out there.

SOUPER BOWL III

Hey howdy, loyal readers, it is once again that time of year! Time two once again fuse together to of America's favorite pastimes, football and food! Bon appetite!

APPETIZERS:
STONEY CASE-ADILLA: Flour tortillas, three cheese, onions, peppers, and your choice of steak or chicken. Served with sour cream and salsa.

LOFA-JITA TATUPU: As sizzlin' as a hit by its namesake. Spicy peppers, onions, tomatoes, lettuce, and choice of steak or chicken, all wrapped up in a flour tortilla, served with salsa and sour cream.

TA-KOs SIMPSON: Our hard shell flour tortillas, ground beef, chicken or steak, topped with onions, peppers of all colors, and shredded Mexican cheese.

HENRY MOZZAR-ELLARD STIX: What's better than a highlight reel of great Henry Ellard catches? Pretty much nothing except fried cheese.

FIRST AND TENDERS: Golden chicken tenders, served with your choice of honey mustard or barbecue sauce.

BUFFALO NGUYENS: Deep fried chicken wings, bathed in your choice of mild, medium, lukewarm, barbecue, garlic, lemon pepper, hot, spicy, inferno, lava, or Hell sauce.

PAUP-CORN SHRIMP: Shrimp, dipped in our delicious batter for your pleasure!

CHAD NACHOS-CINCO: Nachos piled high with 85 different toppings including monterey jack cheese, tomatoes, peppers, onions, cheddar cheese, nacho cheese, ground beef, taco sauce, pizza, and much,much more!

SPINACH AND CORYATT-ICHOKE DIP: Our delicious dip served in a bread bowl and breadsticks for dipping.

SOUPS:
ZORN CHOWDER: Chunky delicious corn chowder in a bowl or a cup.

CHANNING CLAM CROWDER: Chunks of clams, potatoes, and other things from the sea, served in your choice of bowl or cup.

CHI-LEE EVANS: Beef, peppers, beans, topped with shredded cheese, served smoking hot!

CHARLES MANN-ISTRONE: The manliest minestrone ever served! EVER!


SANDWICHES, ETC.:
All sandwiches and such are served with choice of John "french" Friesz or potato chips, and a pickle.

RUE-BEN COATES: A big ol' pile of corned beef topped with saurkraut and swiss cheese and Russian dressing, served on our toasted Dre' Rye bread.

STEVE MONTECHRISTIE: This is a sandwich the won't sail wide of the goalposts! Toasted ham and cheese, then dipped in sweet French batter.

BLTee MARTIN: Bacon, lettuce and tomato with mayonnaise, on your choice of Danny White or Tyrone Wheat-ley toast.

RODNEY PEETE-A POCKET: Chicken, lettuce, tomato, and mayonnaise, stuffed into a pita pocket.

PHILLY CHEESE ST-AKERS: Unlike the actual kicker, this is a big hero! We kid, we kid. White sub roll, stuffed with greasy shaved steak, peppers and onions and topped with your choice of cheese spread or provolone.

PASTAS:
PASTA PRIMA-VERBA: As burly, boisterous and filling as the former o-lineman, this is sure to block your hunger for sure.

AMP RAVIO-LEE: Traditional raviolis filled with ricotta and beef.


CHICKEN:
CHICKEN MAR-SALEAMUA: White chicken filets, mixed with a Todd Heap-ing helping of mushrooms, braised in Marsala wine sauce.

CHICKEN CATCH-A-TORY HOLT: This one is certainly a catch! Braised chicken, tossed with mushrooms, tomatoes, onions, herbs and bell peppers.

STEVE OVEN ROASTED CHICKEN BREASTON: Nice, oven roasted chicken breast, just like mom used to make.

MARION BARBERCUE CHICKEN: As rough and tumble as the Cowboy running back! Succulent chicken breasts, smothered in our sweet and sassy barbercue sauce.

JON JURKOVIC CHICKEN: As spicy and hot as the former lineman, this is sure to please, just make sure you have plenty of water available.

THE JOEY PORTERHOUSE: One of the biggest and baddest cuts out there.Thick and juicy, just like the out spoken linebacker.

KNUTE YORK STRIP STEAK: The good old-fashioned strip of steak, cooked to your liking.

KEITH RIBYARS: An incredibly tender cut of meat, that doesn't look like much, but sure gets the job done!

STEVE "T-" BONO: The coup de gras! If you want steak, this is the way to go.

DESSERTS:
TROY CHOCOLATE CAKE-MAN: A tall triple layered piece of rich, rich chocolate cake.

WARREN SAPP-LE CRISP: Warm baked apple goodness, topped with vanilla ice cream, and wipped topping.

Oh and since you're probably wondering, I'm picking the Steelers 27-17. Don't worry I'm rooting for the Cards, but I figure I've picked against them throughout the playoffs, and they keep winning, so this seems to be the best way. Here we go Cardinals, here we go!