Quoth the drunken forever more!

So with the recent addition of digital cable to my family, I have had, opened unto me, a whole new, vast, world of entertainment. So as I was channel surfing the other night I came across AFI (American Film Institute)'s TOP 100 movie quotes on Bravo. Now of some of these were from classic movies that I have never seen, but of course know the quotes, because they're the top 100 movie quotes. Here were the top ten. How many times have you seen these used, spoofed, parodied in other shows, movies, etc.:
10. " You talkin to me"- Taxi Driver
9. " Fasten your seatbelts, it's going to be a bumpy night"- All About Eve
8. " May the force be with you"- Harrison Ford, Star Wars IV, A New Hope
7. " Alright Mr. DeMille, I'm ready for my close-up"- Sunset Bouleverd
6. " Go ahead make my day"- Sudden Impact
5. "Here's looking at you kid" -Casablanca
4. "Toto, I have a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore" -Wizard of Oz
3. " I coulda been a contendah..."- On the Waterfront
2. " I'm gonna make him an offer he can't refuse."-The Godfather
1. " Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn."- Gone with the Wind

Now of those Top Ten quotes I've seen only two of the movies they're from start to finish, but am familiar with all of these quotes. But it got me to thinking about the quotes my fiends and I use on a virtually regular basis. So I decided to compile a top ten quotable movies amongst my friends and I. now remember this is not a list of the quotablest or most quotable movies ever made. These are ten movies that, if you watched them you could join in 95% of all conversations my friends and I engage in. I'm pretty sure my friends and I could probably quote several of these movies start to finish. Now if you haven't seen any of these movies, go have yourself checked cause you ain't right! Also, for some of these movies if you haven't seen said movie, the quote might not be great because you don't know the context, tone, etc. So, without further ado, well maybe one more ado, adieu, here they are with a taste of why they're on the list:
The Top Ten, but first, the honorable mentions that didn't quite make the cut:
Fletch, Billy Madison, Happy Gilmore, Office Space, Meet the Parents, National Lampoon's- Animal House, European Vacation and Vacation, Rushmore, There's Something About Mary, Spaceballs, The Naked Guns, Major League and many more that I can't quite think of right now. So, enjoy:
10. Ghostbusters
- Ray, when someone asks if you're a God, you say "Yes"!
- Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together - mass hysteria.
- Mother pus bucket.
- Generally you don't see that kind of behavior in a major appliance.
- Yes it's true. (pause) This man has no dick
- NOBODY steps on a church in my town.
- Janine, someone with your qualifications would have no trouble finding a
top-flight job in either the food service or housekeeping industries.
- I love this plan, I'm excited to be a part of it!
- It's Miller Time!

9. Black Sheep
- Well, I got a 426 hemi here, 3/4 cams, nitro boosters, I can get 'er up to as good as 155! Never do, though, of course, unless I'm chasing a cute chick in a Ferrari! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I guess I was goin' about... 65, tops.
- SEVEN! SEVEN miles an hour! And normally, when I stop people, they pull onto the 'shoulder'!
- Hell, every guy's got his dream, am I right? Between you, me and the wall here, I doozy myself last night. Ha ha, ha, ha. Get this: A corn-fed harvest mouse, a hooker, a nun, a Flemish peasant woman, whips, chains, whistles yo-yo's, a circus midget. My grandmother riding by on a bicycle give me the finger, and a duck! Now, I don't know ha, ha, ha. Are you crying? Oh my lord. I am sorry honey, please don't ! Could you get your daddy on the phone. No, don't hang up please I...
- That's one small step for man! One giant... I have a dream!
- And so he says, "Rectum? Damn near killed'em!"
- Ro-ads. Ro-ods.
- Yea! Kill whitey!
- Lil' help from the Donnelly campaign

8. National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation
- Can I refill your eggnog for you? Get you something to eat? Drive you out to the middle of nowhere and leave you for dead?
- Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, kiss my ass. Kiss his ass. Kiss your ass. Happy Hanukkah.
- the silent majesty of a winter's morn... the clean, cool chill of the holiday air... an asshole in his bathrobe, emptying a chemical toilet into my sewer...
- Shitter was full.
- Oh, Eddie... If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn't be more surprised than I am now.
- And why is the carpet wet, Todd?
- Every time Catherine would turn on the microwave, I'd piss my pants and forget who I was for about half an hour.
- Oh, I was just smelling - smiling. I was just blouse - brousing. I, uh, heh heh. Well, I guess it just wouldn't... Oh hee hee, it wouldn't be the Christmas shopping season if the stores were any less hooter than they - HOTTER than they are. Whew. It is warm in here, isn't it?
- Little knot here Russ, why don't you work on that.

7. Swingers
- No, baby, you're money.
- Vegas baby! Vegas!
- Baby, we're going to be up five hundy by midnight!
- All right, I'll ask! Ma'am, where do the high school girls hang out in this town?
- who's the big winner here tonight at the casino? Huh? Mikey, that's who. Mikey's the big winner. Mikey wins.
- The place is dead anyway
- I'm gonna make Gretzky's head bleed for super fan 99 over here.
- Y'know, it's not so much me as Roenick; he's good.
- I'm the asshole? I'm the asshole in the place yeah? Yeah, well I'm outta here. I would never eat here, I would never eat here anyway.

6. Anchorman
- Smells like Bigfoot's dick!
- Panda Watch!
- Ribs. I had ribs for lunch, that's why I'm doing this.
- I wanna say something. I'm gonna put it out there; if you like it, you can take it, if you don't, send it right back. I want to be on you.I'm very important. I have many leather-bound books and my apartment smells of rich mahogany.
- Can't say one word, huh? Even the guy that can't think said something!
- You stay classy, San Diego. I'm Ron Burgundy?
- I don't know what we're yelling about!
- Discovered by the Germans in 1904, they named it San Diego, which of course in German means a whale's vagina.
- I'm gonna punch you in the ovary, that's what I'm gonna do. A straight shot. Right to the babymaker.
- I saw that! Brick killed a guy! Did you throw a trident?
- Yeah, there were horses, and a man on fire, and I killed a guy with a trident!
- Brick, I've been meaning to talk to you about that. You should find yourself a safehouse or a relative close by. Lay low for a while, because you're probably wanted for murder.
- Hey! Where did you get those clothes? At the toilet store?
- I will smash your face into a car windshield, and then take your mother Dorothy Mantooth out for a nice seafood dinner and never call her again!
- Dorothy Mantooth is a saint! You understand me? Dorothy Mantooth is a saint!
- The only way to bag a classy lady is to give her two tickets to the gun show...
- I'm a man who discovered the wheel and built the Eiffel Tower out of metal and brawn. That's what kind of man I am. You're just a woman with a small brain. With a brain a third the size of us. It's science.
- Great Odin's raven!
- They've done studies, you know. Sixty percent of the time it works every time.
- I would like to extend to you an invitation to the pants party.
- I love lamp.
- If you want to throw down fisticuffs, fine. I've got Jack Johnson and Tom O'Leary ready for ya.
- Knights of Columbus, that hurt!
- WHAMMY!


5.Dodgeball
- If you can dodge a wrench you can dodge a ball.
- Effin A Cotton, eeeeeeffffffffin A!
- Ooh, Ouchtown, population you, bro!
- Well, if you can't raise fifty-thousand dollars with an impromptu carwash, maybe it just wasn't meant to be.
- It's White!
- So I'll go turn on the thong song and we'll tear this place apart.
- QUEERBAIT!
- I like to keep my body guessing.
- That's a perfectly normal everyday thing.
- Joanie loves Chaci!
- Dodgeball is a sport of violence, exclusion, and degradation.
- Always remember the five d's of dodgeball: dodge, duck, dip, dive and dodge!
- Pepper needs new shorts, Cotton!
- You're about as useful as a poopie-flavored lollipop.
- You had me at blood and semen.
- In some cultures, they only eat vomit. I never been there, but I read about it... in a book!

4. Old School
- True love is hard to find, sometimes you think you have true love and then you catch the early flight home from San Diego and a couple of nude people jump out of your bathroom blindfolded like a goddamn magic show ready to double team your girlfriend...
- We're going streaking!
- You think KFC's still open.
- Well, um, actually a pretty nice little Saturday, we're going to go to Home Depot. Yeah, buy some wallpaper, maybe get some flooring, stuff like that. Maybe Bed, Bath, & Beyond, I don't know, I don't know if we'll have enough time.
- Blue, you're my boy!
- I see Blue, He look's glorious.
- Once it hits your lips, it's so good!
- Y-You're crazy, man. You're crazy. I like you, but you're crazy.
- Oh yeah. Cheeeeeese. Yeah, didn't we lock you in a dumpster one time?
- Dammit, Blue was old. That's what old people do. They die.
- No it's cool man, bring your green hat!

3. Tommy Boy
- You're trailing off and did I catch a niner in there?
- He sneaks into your house once, that's all it takes. The next thing you know, there's money missing off the dresser and your daughter's knocked up, I seen it a hundred times.
- Hey, I'll tell you what. You can get a good look at a butcher's ass by sticking your head up there. But, wouldn't you rather to take his word for it?
- You have de-railed...
- And the medic gets out and says, "Oh, my God!" The new guy's around the corner puking his guts out.
- Hey, there's even a fridge! You could put six packs of be - soda in here.
- It's called reading! Top to bottom, left to right... a group of words together is called a sentence. Take Tylenol for any headaches... Midol for any cramps.
- Heh, heh, it's a clip-on.
- Brothers don't shake hands. Brothers gotta hug.
- It's HERBIE Hancock.
- Tommy Likey! Tommy want wing-ey!

2. Big Lebowski
- Hell, I can get you a toe by 3 o'clock this afternoon.
- Saturday, Donny, is Shabbos, the Jewish day of rest. That means that I don't work, I don't get in a car, I don't ride in a car, I don't pick up the phone, I don't turn on the oven, and I sure as shit..DON'T FUCKIN ROLL! SHOMER SHABBOS!
- The chinaman is not the issue here, dude. I'm talking about drawing a line in the sand, dude. Across this line, you DO NOT... Also, dude, chinaman is not the preferred nomenclature. Asian-American, please.
- Has the whole world gone crazy? Am I the only one around here who gives a shit about the rules? Mark it zero!
- I didn't rent it shoes. I'm not buying it a fucking beer. He's not taking your fucking turn, Dude.
- So you have no frame of reference here, Donny. You're like a child who wanders into the middle of a movie and wants to know...
- The man in the black pajamas, Dude. Worthy fuckin' adversary.
- Fuck it, Dude, let's go bowling.
- Good night sweet prince.
- Fuckin' A, man. I got a rash, man.
- You mean coitus?

1. Caddyshack-
- Ahoy polloi.
- Oh, this is the worst-looking hat I ever saw. What, when you buy a hat like this I bet you get a free bowl of soup, huh? Oh, it looks good on you though.
- You, wanna make 14 dollars the hard way?
- How 'bout a FRESCA? Hmm? Hmmm?
- YOU'LL GET NOTHING AND LIKE IT!
- Pool and a pond... Pond be good for you.
- This isn't Russia. Is this Russia? This isn't Russia.
- The amazing stuff about this is, that you can play 36 holes on it in the afternoon, take it home and just get stoned to the bejeezus-belt that night on this stuff.
- Cinderella story, tears in his eyes I guess.
- Cannonball comin!
- Hey everybody, we're all gonna get laid.

Well there you have it. What I feel are the Top Ten most quotable movies, of course Wedding Crashers may jump onto the list, once out on DVD and we get it back in our heads. Until that day comes, keep your ears to the grindstone.

The promised land!!

That's right folks, the day has finally come!! I have jumped into the 21st century and have gotten the internet (it's on computers now!) in my very own home! It's gloooooooorious! Now I can look up all sorts of stuff like websites of por....educational things, put candy bars in the freezer..... But of course more importantly, this means that the proud citizens of "Bitterness is a Fish You Can Catch" nation (at least a dozen in number) can read what I have to say on a much, much more regular basis. Who's the big winner! Now enough with the green beans and potatoes let's get right to the meat, there are a lot of things stuck in my craw!
I want to talk about our national pasttime, no, not being overweight, lazy and making shotty products, but baseball. Now first a moment of silence or space for my poor fallen Red Sox (shhhh ). Now it not so much baseball itself, rather than FOX's coverage of it. FOX sucks! Why do they have to have the tv dates for later playoff rounds set in stone?? Here's the deal, in the ALDS the Angels and the American League team from NYC had a rain out pushin game 4 back to a Sunday night, with game 5 scheduled for the next night, all the way on the other side of the country in Cali. But if this weren't retarded enough, game 1 of the ALCS was scheduled for Tuesday night in Chicago. Now as a result this had the NYC team all up in arms, which I hate and am in no way defending (which will be addressed momentarily), but...for those of you scoring at home that's one team having to play three games in three days in almost every time zone in the continental United States except for mountain! Meanwhile, both National League teams were done with there division series' by early Sunday evening, but the NLCS would not start until Wednesday? Why could they not have just had the NLCS start on Tuesday so both American League teams could have at least one day off. Now, granted the Angels did win game 1 of the ALCS, making me llok like some sort of idiot. Why can't they be more flexible? Just so the World Series can start on a Saturday? And also why do the LCS' have to be on at the same times during the week? When the LCS' started I did not have cable, which meant that I was at the mercy of FOX telling me which game I was gonna want to watch! Horse pucky, I say! Because I actually wanted to watch the Astros-Cardinals not the Angels-White Sox (which of course is the game I got). Now this is not a dilemma for most. But I remember back in the day when they had LCS games in late afternoon. GD capitalism, I says!
Now to the controversy. ALCS, Game 2. Dropped third strike??? Here are my thoughts:
Umpire Doug Eddings f*#ked up. Whether or not it was in the dirt or not, he did not make it clear. It is an umpire or referee's job to alleviate confusion, not create it! And Doug Eddings certainly created confusion. He did not make it clear as crystal that it was an out. And if you listened to his post game explanation, it was some run around confusing thing that seemed to offer no real explanantion. Angels catcher Josh Paul thought he caught the ball cleanly and instinctively rolled the ball back to the mound. Now the thing about catchers, is that on a ball in the dirt, third strike, they would, instinctively, tag the batter, but that did not happen. Paul said he thought he caught it, and this would be an elaborate rouse by Paul to fool the umpires. Paul said usually the umpire will say "no catch" if the ball hits the dirt. Again, this did not happen. But here's the thing...the batter was A.J. Pierzynski, another cathcer, who knew that the umpire did not say "no catch", but also did not say "out" either. Two catchers, both acting on catchers "instincts"? The fact of the matter is it is partly on Doug Eddings for not saying anything and just looking for the players to dictate the call. But, BUT! Josh Paul should have also known that there was no out call made and should have tagged Pierzynski. Now they say Eddings put his arm up in what is commmonly known as the out sign, but what he refers to as his third strike mechanic. Now, 1) why aren't all umpires, especially ones for the playoffs using the same "mechanics" and methods of making calls, uniformly? 2) How could Paul have seen the out sign anyways? We all saw it, but Paul could not have.
This has of course spawned debate about whether or not baseball should use instant replay. Now, first off, the replays on tv for the play in game 2 would probably of garnered an inconclusive result. Now instant replay is good, nay great, for football, but for baseball? Baseball is, for the most part, a traditional sport full of phantom tags, "in the neighborhood" rules, unwritten laws and rules, etc. The human error is what makes baseball. Last year in the ALCS there were a couple of bad calls, but the umpiring crew got together and made the right calls, without instant replay. Which is the best way to handle it. But some umpires will not swallow their pride and ask for help from their colleagues. Would I love to have seen Derek Jeter's Jeffry Maier aided home-run taken off the board, yes. But of they replayed it would they have called him out or given him second base? Would Tont Tarasco have even caught it? We'll never know, but for now I'm still standing my ground against instant replay in baseball. Well I gotta go an watch Grape Ape on Boomerang on Demand. You stay classy planet earth.

Ignorance is Bliss!

Well I think it's been pretty well established, that when it comes to the NFL, I don't know diddly squat! Never was this more evident then in Week 2! Or Weak 2 for me. Let's go back, shall we (insert wavy lines) to what I knew to be true after week 1:

1)The Steelers will run all over the hapless Texans and improve to 2-0. (So far so good, right?)
2) The Eagles will soar again and pummel the weak, weak, weak 49ers and get back on track. Another easy call, pick the Eagles.
3) Kurt Warner would be Rammed hard by his former mates in St. Louis, much to the dismay of the Kingdom of the mighty Cardinal. Of course the Rams won, but this turned out to be a lot closer that I suspected. Here's where the tide turns on me.
4)The Ravens will smother the once mighty Titans and coast to victory. Who knew the Ravens weren't that good? Put your hands down, it's a rhetorical qusetion!
5)Cleveland lost to Cincinnati sans Kitna and now they head into Lambeau to face Brett Favre....Hello 0-2 Romeo Crennel! The Browns must have had Sterling Sharpe triple covered or something?
6)Cincinnati is only 1-0 because they played the Browns and the Vikings just hadn't shaken the rust off their swords and shields yet. I picked the Vikes to go to the Super Bowl (don't really know why?)so they'll rebound nicely an order will be restored, right? Nope. Wrong again.
7)The Lions bowled over the Pack in week 1, so surely they must be good enough to beat the Bears, who lost 9-7 in week 1, right? No, they aren't and don't call me Shirley!
8) Then there's the Falcons, who looked solid on Monday night. They would have no problem against the overrated, (or is it underachieving?)Seattle Seahwaks. Wrong again Will, you ignorant bastard!
9) And finally there's no doubt the Cowboys will beat the lackluster Redskins offense in Dallas on Monday Night. This was all magnified by the ABC stat going into the fourth quarter and Dallas with a double digit lead: Bill Parcells is 77-0 when leading by thirteen or more going into the fourth quarter. 77-1. So close.

All in all I picked a mere 4 out of the 16 winners or 25%. An almost respectable batting average if I've got power at the plate. Everyone'll be happy to know I bounced back in week 4 going 12-4.

Yeah.......Blow Me

Ah, what a classic line from a great American movie classic. I know it has been a while since my last blog (four months to the day actually), but I've been busy, okay I've been lazy. So what could bring me back to the world of blogging you ask? Well, the start of the football season of course! That's right, tonight kicks off the 2005-2006 NFL season at Foxboro Stadium, home to my beloved Patriots. So that means it's time for my predictions, which 60% of the time are always right! Now, I don't want to brag, but I did pick the Patriots to beat the Eagles in the Super Bowl at the start of last season. Of, course I had predicted that for the last 4 seasons, but I don't think that should lessen the achievement by any means. I'm pretty sure, throughout the course of last season that I proved, pretty thoroughly, that I knew nothing about the NFL. But, this year I submit that I know even less. I know what you are thinking, and I didn't think that was possible either, but watch and learn:

1) Kurt Warner will uplift the Cardinals, "like a Pheonix rising up from the ashes" to a 6-10 record good for last place.
2) Eli Manning will rally the Giants for a big second win over the Cardinals, securing third place in the NFC East. What?! Apparently I'm being told that the Cardinals are no longer in the NFC East, so I guess the Giants will finish last, while customers continue to get perturbed with Jeremy Shockey buying 50 Hungry Man dinners in the 15 item or less line.
Shockey: It's one item!
3) My first signs of heartburn will strike about 12 minutes in to the Patriots-Raiders game.
4) Julius Jones will be good.
5) The Chargers will not lose a game when they wear the gay, powder blue uniforms!
6) Peyton Manning will throw for 4683 yards and 55 touchdowns. Eli Manning will throw a tantrum in Week 13.
7) This will be the season of Kitna (sit down Heisman!)
8) My lack of general player knowledge will see me out of the running in Fantasy Football by week five. The Dolphins will be out of the running by week 7!
9) Ben Roethilsberger will still have the tastiest name in football, ummmmmm, Roethilsbergers!!!
10) The Raiders won't make the Playoffs, the Cowboys will!
11) Donovan McNabb, fueled by that good 'ol Chunky Soup will lead the Eagles back to the Super Bowl and win the league's MVP award!
12) The 49ers will battle the Dolphins for the 2006 #1 pick! I mean why can't the Dolphins catch a break? No sympathy Dolphins, no sympathy!

And now for how the season will play out:
The Patriots will beat the Jaguars in the AFC Championship Game behind Matt Cassel, replacing an injured Tom Brady.
The Eagles will beat the Rams in the NFC Championship Game, setting up a Super Bowl Rematch.

And by prediction for the winnner of the Extra Large Super Bowl (Super Bowl XL, get it!) will be the Patriots by a score of 13-5!

Well as you can see I only get dumber.
You stay classy planet earth!

Back in Masss-a-chuuuuuuuuu-setts!!!

It's been over two months since my last blog, and not's really because I'm busy, I'm just lazy. A lot has happened in that time period: The NCAA crowned it's 2005 basketball champions, baseball season got underway, Toastie bought a new baseball videogame which we proceeded to play for roughly 14 hours straight (not even Billy-ball could hate on a Nationals-Pirates best of seven series!), the BII opened up it's patio for drinking, bird, the entire 105 "The Dog" entourage, a heavy helping of Limp Bizkit, Korn, Staind, etc. (no Seven Mary Three or Pretty Penny-Javen knows what I'm talkin' about), I finally got to see the Skychiefs win a game (drank a medium beer in honor of Billy, followed by three more large beers, then opted to trade in ticket at the Locker Room for a free Pabst, even though it was also good for free windshield washer fluid. This was a tough decision as the washer fluid packs a little more punch when ingested.), I meet Dane Cook and finally one of my good friends got married in my hometown, "Back in Massachuuuusettttttttts!" Which is what I really intend to make this blog about. And let me just say, that everything you are about to read is more or less true.

So I get in on Friday night and go to my friends apartment have a few beers and we're off to the "99" a local restaurant and bar, where I'm momentarily surprised to see many a Red Sox hat as well as each and every member of that staff wearing some sort of Red Sox T-shirt, until it dawns on me that I'm in Massachusetts where 96.5% of the population is a Red Sox fan (this is not fact, but made up.) Anyways, on to the better stuff. Chatting with my friends and drinking my Mass accent slowly, but surely, comes out of hiding. Now apparently, because we're in small towns for this weekend, every bar within reach closes at like 12:30 (I love Massachusetts, but 12:30? Be serious) Luckily my friend had beer at his abode and after a quick stop at the Kwik-E-Mart, er 7Eleven, for some Hot Pockets I was back in my happy place, beer in hand and The Big Lebowski in the DVD player. And as I bit into my Hot Pocket (burning my toungue of course) I wondered, "Could life get any better than this? Because I submit that it cannot!" But alas, it could. My friends wedding was at 5:30pm on Saturday, meaning there was a lot of time to kill, because being a man it doesn't take me five and half hours to put my face on and get all gussied-up. So my friend Sam and I decide we should sit around playing poker and watching movies all day. So I drank beer and played poker and watched Good Will Hunting, Anchorman and most of Super Troopers. Oh Happy Day.

Wedding takes place:
The priest, minister, pastor, whatever they call him in Catholicism, besides there daddy, I mean father, throws in a few one-liners about divine intervention propelling the Red Sox to thier first World Championship in over 86 years and for somehow guiding the Celtics to a Game 7 against Indiana two nights before (but as we all know, on the Seventh Game, God rested and the poor Celtics were beaten pretty handily.) He was actually pretty entertaining. So I proceeded to follow along with those that were Catholic, so I would know the hand motions and responses, as best I could. I'm pretty sure at one point I gave the sign to steal second. Now during the wedding I notice two peculiarly random things:
1) The Maid of Honor, is the brides best friend who attended Northeastern with the bride and groom. But here's the peculiarly random part............I hooked up with this girl during college whilst visiting my friends on my spring break. Just a tip, try not to hook up with your friend's, girlfriend's best friend, this is not the best use of road-trip mentality (if you don't know what road-trip mentality is, just aks somebody!) . I mean, first of all what are the odds of going anywhere and finding someone I hooked up with, excluding Shannon family events (sorry Bill)? Luckily this was not too awkward, but made me giggle, because I can honestly say I hooked up with the Maid of Honor, which, lets face it, is the crowning achievement for any guy at a wedding. The only thing that could top that, would be hooking up with the bride, which is rarer than a perfect game. Now of course I didn't hook-up with her at the wedding,it was at least five years ago, but no smell, no tell, it'll be our little secret.
2) The bride's cousin's date is Joe from the Real World Miami! Now I realize most don't watch the Real World, but this is pretty random, wouldn't you say? Now it wouldn't be 'til the end of the reception when I was good and drunk that I would talk to him about his stint on the MTV reality show, I don't remember much of this exchange, but I think it started a lil' sumpin like this, (me in slurred drunken voice) "So I'm sorry, I gotta do it...REAL WORLD MIAMI!" He was a nice fella, very down to earth. There was so much I wanted to know, but didn't ask.

The reception was open bar so that was really a five-hour blur, but here's what I pieced together:

I drank so many Captain and Cokes, that when they saw me coming they started making me another and it was ready for me when I got there, just about everytime.

There was eight courses! ( I rarely eat that many "courses" in a three day span.)

I yelled at the dj to play Neil Diamond several hundred times. (Sweet Caroline did finally play. I've been to four weddings in my life and only once was Sweet Caroline, one of the best songs to sing along too drunk, not played. Look ashamed Mr. Conroy!)

I was yelling and drinking so much, that I could barely talk by nights end. Me and a couple of others looked for more drinking after the reception, to find that only the finest dance club in Randolph, MA, right next door was open. (It was like 12:20am)When we appraoched the door, the bouncer immediately walkie-talkied management to the front, which had to be good sign right? Clearly he saw us in our Sunday's Best and was gonna lead us to the Champagne Room. Yeah, so, after a mini-hassle with ids ( a few out-of-staters in the crowd) my friend Johnny Walker (no lie, that's his real name) is pinpointed as a troublemaker. The bouncer tells him to behave himself. Let me just say, we were all drunk, but we were not being loud, obnoxious or belligerent (which is how I knew I needed more to drink). Walkah, as we call him in Mass., was not even as drunk as me and as I was let in, the bouncer says, "Keep an eye on your friend." All this hassle and we weren't even in the door yet. (Like I said, this is no Boston though, where our beloved Toastie was once so drunk he was leaning on the police officer at the door of bar and not five minutes later, although barely being concious, had a fresh beer in hand at said bar.) But, once in the door, we find out there's a $10 cover, to which we said, NOOOOOOOO DIIIIIIIICE! and cheesed it out the door. I have only myself to blame. Who doesn't have at least a post-reception 12er in the hotel room?? But I guess seeing as how I could only talk in a low pitched scratchy voice, bed was probably the best bet anyways. Annnnnnnnnnd............scene!

It's a mad, mad, mad, mad March

Ahh, it's that time of year. The time of year when almost every Division I college basketball team as a shot at winning it all. Theoretically that is. A time of year when everyone looks to have their "One Shining Moment". It's a time when basketball is pure and beautiful. But more importantly, it's the time of year to take days off of work to start drinking at 12:07 in the afternoon and scream at your television, cheering on a bunch of chucklehouses you may never have heard of before now, to upset a big time powerhouse in the NCAA tourney. And it could just happen.

Oh I love it! The NCAA Tournament is just plain super! A time when everyone and their mother's has some sort of tournament pool. It's where names like Drew, Smart, Whittenburg and even Cipolla can be heroes. It's where guys like Harold Arcineaux (minus one lamp, thanks to Toastie.) can shine, if just, for a moment, on the national stage. It's where Spiders can take down Wildcats! Where Friars forsake Blue Devils. Where Crusaders edge Rebels. Where the nation learns what the heck a Jasper is. It' where you have to look out for Chippewas, Catamounts and Utes, oh my! A time when you can feel the thrill of picking a big time upset and the agony of losing one of your Final Four teams in a manner of seconds. Where Bulldogs and Wildcats are everywhere, or so it seems. It's a time for playing, "hey whatever happened to......Tyson Wheeler, Peter Santangelo, Carmelo Travieso, Otis Hill, Danya Abrams, etcetera, etcetera. Oh and there's montages, oh boy are there montages, that make me feel oh so warm and fuzzy inside. It's a glorious, glorious thing. Enjoy the madness!

"Every kid with a hoop and a dream hopes, above all, to someday play, in the Final Four."*
-Jim Nantz

*- Of course the quote is no longer that accurate as every kid with hoop and a dream now hopes, above all, of making big bucks out of high school, and inking a shoe deal.

Congratulations to the following Syracuse players on their postseason hardware:
Hakim Warrick, Big East Player of the Year and First Team All Big East
Gerry Mcnamara-1st team All Big East
Craig Forth-Academic All-American
Josh Pace- Big East Sportsmanship Award, 3rd team All Big East

Did Uncle Jitter see his shadow and other not-so current events....

Well the title of my blog is referencing the fact that I have not been online in well over a fortnight and therefore everything in here is old news, which I believe, is an oxymoron. First off, Birthdays. Happy belated birthday to our Uncle Jitter over in Portu-goal! His birthday was February 2nd (otherwise known as groundhog's day) ! I believe he did see his shadow which means three more months of Jitter-less drinking. Dang-it! Also we had the annual celebration of William Herbert Shannon's entrance into this world. We went to Clark's and we laughed, like chums. I picked him up the Marv Levy book, Wherelse Would You Rather Be? and a two disc set of afterschool specials from the mid to late 70s (one featuring Kristy McNichol of Empty Nest fame) presented nicely in a mock Trapper Keeper, all for my good pal Billy-ball. We also clebrated the birthday of Bill's better half, Rage KJ at the Change of Pace , whilst watching the Orange lose to the turncoat Boston College Eagles.

In other not so new, news, the New England Patriots won their third Super Bowl in four years. A feat which is impressive in any era. But I just wanted to say that I don't think these Patriots teams would beat the old dynasties of say Pittsburgh or Dallas and I wish people would stop making comparisons. Now I am a Pats fan born and raised, and I have a tattered winter hat to prove it (it's actually older than some of the people I work with), but this year's victory was just not as exciting for me as the last couple. I mean I'm happy, they're my squad and all, but, without trying to sound snooty, it's just like business as usual. There's no mystery or excitement of the playoff hunt. They weren't underdogs. Plus I like the Eagles and McNabb. It was like, if they win, great, if not, no big deal I know what it feels like and I wouldn't mind seeing Philly getting over the hump. But now I can turn my focus to Men's College Basketball full-time. Now I don't know much of what's happening outside of the Big East, but here's what I think:

Nevada and Pacific are both ranked in the Top 25. And to me Pacific doesn't even sound like a real school. It sounds like one those schools, made-up for a sit-com or teen drama. I just hope they can get by Bayside and Valley in their conference tourney. As for Nevada, wee they're my favorite underdog team that doesn't play in Vermont. But mark my words the Catamounts and Wolf Pack could cause some major problems for their opponents in the tourney. With guys named Fazekas and Coppenrath, how could ya not?
Syracuse can't seem to beat any ranked opponents, which frustrates me. But I still feel they can reach the Elite Eight.
Call me crazy, but I don't think Illinois is not all that good. There. I said it.
No self-respecting Big East fan should cheer for BC in the tourney, but instead should cheer for Louisville and Cincinnati, a part of the 2005-06 revamped Bigger East.
I'm still undecided as to which conference is more overrated The Big Twelve or the ACC. But we all know the ACC is A-S-S! At that ain't know beat poetry JJ Reddick!
You're telling me with his grades, Screech couldn't of gone somewhere better than Cal? I mean Zack got into Yale for crying out loud.
ITT Tech won't make the field of 65, despite a good showing against NETTS (the New England Tractor Trailer Truck Driving School)
I will see random teams that I've never seen play before, perform well in their Conference Tournaments and pick them to pull off upsets in the actual tournaments. They will proceed to be blown out in the first round, quickly ending my chances of winning any of my tourney pools.
God I love March!! It's Madness!

Who's Wearing Old Spice?

And cue one of Toastie's riotous laughing fits at his favorite quote from the Man Who Knew Too Little. No, no, not me, it's a mooovie, with Bill Murray. One, which I recently bought on DVD and I happen to know Javen owns on VHS. Kids, VHS is how we watched movies before DVD! It's also the only way to buy Teen Wolf. Literally. I think anyways. What was I talking about? Oh, right, nothing in particular. Oh, I know DVDs. I've been buying them like crazy of late! Some of them are so cheap it's great! Over this past week I bought The Dream Team (which Danny owns on VHS) and Mr. Mom, as well. Micheal Keaton was a comedic genius, what happened? And did anyone, besides Bill probably, know his birth name is Micheal Douglas? He had to change it because the SAG (Screen Actors Guild for those not in the know) doesn't allow two of the same name or something like that? He picked the name Keaton because of Buster Keaton. And that concludes today's edition of Micheal Keaton trivia. Anyways, I'm sort of bummed because I can't seem to find Gung-Ho to complete the brilliant Micheal Keaton 80s gift pack. All three of these movies are just pure genius, I don't care what anyone says.

As you can see I have nothing to really talk about, but just felt like typing. But seriously, if anyone has any knowledge as to where and when I could pick up Gung-Ho on DVD, let me know ASAP! I mean besides Keaton, it's got George Wendt-Cheers'-Norm, The Donger from Sixteen Candles and some black guy who gets hit in the nether regions buy a lady's shopping cart, which leads to this exchange:
Lady: Oh, my eggs!
Black Guy: Your eggs?!

Guess you have to see it for yourself.
Alright, in the next issue we'll learn more about Steve Guttenburg

And remember, "trying is the first step on the path to failure."

Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you.

I hate to say I told you so, but the Eagles and Patriots are in the Super Bowl, so I told you so! Oh sure, you might say, gee way to go out on a limb and pick the favorites. Well that's why they were favored, duh! Anyways, I had the pleasure of watching both Championship Games at Billy's with the Rage KJ and Toastie. And on this fateful Sunday it so happened that I drank the beer and the beer drank me. Allow me to elaborate. At halftime of the Eagles-Falcons game, Toastie and I headed to the local market, the local super-market, for some snacks and such. I said it then, and I'll say it again, "It's not a good idea to go to the supermarket drunk and hungry." With the only real things on our mental shopping list being a big bag of Peanut M&Ms and French Onion Dip (not to be combined together.) we were in trouble. It did not take long for Toastie and I to pick up the first thing, cookies. They were the bakery cookies (Chocolate Chip and M&M) and they were in plastic containers, 2 for $5, how could we go wrong, well, ask Bill, he'll tell ya. As we wandered aimlessly through the store trying to find the god forsaken candy aisle (which by the way is an odd name for an aisle in a store, I thought) we proceeded to Mc-Nabb (fancy play) the essentials: Snyder's Cheddar Cheese Pretzel Pieces, Cheddar and Sour Cream Potato Chips, Wavy Lays, a block of Cheese, Cheddar Triscuits, Townhouse Crackers, another kind of cracker, that may or may not have been Ritz, Snack Packs (which I left at Bill's, dang-it!), the French Onion Dip, of course, can't forget the M&Ms, and obviously the 2-foot long pepperoni stick (which Toastie sliced up beautifully, by the way.). Thirty-five dollars well spent, I say. That is until the next day when all these things really take effect. Anyway, we eat, drink beers, watch the Eagles game and break out a little 80s Trivia Game, which came to the Shannon-Russell house via the wonder that is Christmas! At this point everything's going along swimmingly. Then:

It seems that at some point between the last quarter of the Eagles game and the second quarter of the Patriots game I blew a gasket or something. There was some sort of brain malfunction, causing me to, for the rest of the evening, have no real idea what I was saying, at all. I think some of the beer may have hit my wire of reason and sensibility. This is a very important wire as it is what tries and keeps the BOW (Bitterness O' Willie) in check. So, believe me it works overtime. But on this night, it just shut down completely and it was like I had some sort of terets, RAT FARTS!, or something. Now, sure I'm bitter and to be honest, the alcoholism helps, but usually I have some reason (in my head anyways) for being bitter. The Eagles won, the Patriots were en route to their third Super Bowl in 4 years and I had beer and many cheese-flavored items, including the cheese-flavored "CHEEEEEEESE!" I should have been on Cloud 10! That's right even higher than Cloud 9. And as I told Bill yesterday, after apologizing of course, I got home and literally asked myself, "What the F**K was I talking about?!!!" You can also tell that this BOW explosion was unwarranted and over the top because I apologized for it!! I never do that because most of the time I think I'm in the right and making valid arguments (which actually happens maybe 30-35% of the time. that I'm right, that is.). But this time, I have no clue what happened.

So, that is how I spent my Sunday and I would once again like to apologize to Rage KJ, Billy-ball, The Toastmaster General (because he's not only the Toastmaster, but also a general), Madison, Charlie, Niner, the delicious Snack Packs whom I ignored and abandoned, my innards (which felt it the next day), my family, the City of Pittsburgh and God.

And Congratulations to the Eagles and the Patriots!!!

Wrecked 'em! Damn near killed 'em!!

PLAYOFFS?????!!!!!

That's right Jim Mora it's the NFL Playoffs, where your son will be coaching the Atlanta Falcons in Philadelphia! This week we find out who will go to the Super Bowl in Jacksonville. I'd like to take a quick moment to express my disappointment in the choice of Super Bowl city. I mean Jacksonville, really? I still think they should put Super Bowls out of doors in cold weather cities. Oh know it's too cold for the fans and entertainers. Oh, boo-hoo!! Suck it up, that's how football is supposed to be played!

Speaking of cold weather, that brings me to the AFC and NFC Championship Games on Sunday. I, for one, cannot wait! Both games are in outdoors, in cold weather climates, with slight chances of snow. Oh it's so glorious!!! I'll be so drunk and belligerent by the time the AFC game rolls around, it'll be great! So here's some notes on Championship Weekend:

This may or may not be the first time both Championship games have been in Pennsylvannia. And it may or may not be the first time they've been played in the same state. True statements.

The Patriots have never lost an AFC Championship game. (They did lose an AFL Championship game though)
Bill Belichik is 7-0 in the playoffs with the Patriots.

Mark my words, there will be an African-American quarterback in the Super Bowl!

How dominant would the Panthers have been if they had Rae Carruth?

The team with more points usually wins.

Now my predictions:
To pick the winners you just need to break it down scientifically by the cities:
Philly vs. Atlanta
Beer of choice: Yuengling-America's oldest Brewery vs. I dunno, moonshine run across the border by dem crazy Duke boys? Advantage: Eagles, by a hair.

Food: Philly Cheesesteaks vs. Grits??? Advantage: Eagles

Nicknames: The City of Brotherly Love (yeah right! they booed Santa for Pete's sake!) vs. Hotlanta. Advantage: Falcons

QBs commercials: Chunky Soup w/ Ms. McNabb vs. Nike and The Micheal Vick experience
Advantage: Push

So it's clear to see why the Eagles will win this game 23-10

Pittsburgh vs. New England
Beer: Iron City Beer vs. Samuel Adams. Advantage: Too close to call.

Foods: Heinz pickles, ketchups and other condiments on a Roethils-burger vs. New England Clam Chowdah! Advantage: Patriots (only because I've never had a Roethilsberger)

Stadium Name: Heinz Field (named for delicious condiments) vs. Gillette Stadium (named for the razor company who's World Headquarters are located in Massachusetts) Advantage: Steelers

Team Colors: Black and Yellow vs. Red, White and Blue. Advantage: Patriots

Super Bowl wins this century: Steelers-0, Patriots-2, Advantage: Patriots

So as you can see the Patriots will win this game 27-21.

Enjoy the games and remember these picks were made absolutely, positively, impartially!
Have a good weekend. So have a Bruschi at your favorite watering hole or at home and warm up with some Chunky Soup or New England Clam Chowder and enjoy the games!

Go Patriots and Eagles!!!
Happiness is just a Flaming Moe away!

Sweet Odin's Raven!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!! It's been awhile, but a lot of new shit has come to light my friends. It's a fresh new year of bitterness and I'm rarin' and ready to go for all you members of Bitterness is a Fish You Can Catch Nation. That is, if you consider 10 people a nation, okay six people. Wait, do I count? Anyways, moving on. A lot has happened over the past several weeks, some of it even in my life, so here is a quick recap to get every one caught up. Some of the names may have been changed to protect the innocent.

December 24, 2004:
My current employer Christmas Vacationed me and my Christmas bonus check, the same check that would be paying for me to go home, does not arrive on Thursday or Friday for that matter. Luckily, I have wonderful friends in life and was able to borrow some money and was able to make it home for X-Mas.

December 25, 2004 -Feliz Navidad! It was the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny Fuckin' Kaye.

It was on this day, the day we celebrate the birth of Santa Claus, being born in the North Pole, all the reindeer bringing gifts like gold, frankenstein, amd myrrh, (whatever that is? and however you may spell it?) that I received the gift that will keep on giving, to Bitterness is a Fish You Can Catch Nation, all year round. I received a laptop, which will allow for at least three times as many blog entries for all my endearing fans. (Once I settle my dispute with Time Warner Cable. They seem to think I should pay for cable and internet every month. I mean the nerve of some people, right?!)

December 26, 2004- Kwanzaa, Boxing Day and Hijinx!
Jitter, Javen, MacGuyver Chuck, doorprizes, adult beverages, and of course ,...chicken wings at the Change of Pace ( the gift the keep's on giving all the next day long! Toastie you know!)

December 28, 2004- It's a Kwanzaa miracle!!
Our basketball team, The Change O' Pacers actually one a legit game!!! Don't not adjust your monitors it's true, it happened, I was there. And Toastie even made his first free throw of the season, giving us a five point lead with 2 seconds remaining. Uncle Jitter come and claim your chicken wing pizza! Oh yeah, and the best part of this story it was against my arch nemesis, Chadwick's !! Our own Josh Pace, Bill, will let you know why.

And then, just like that it was 2005!!!!!!!!!!

The Change O' Pacers need but to win against the Syracuse Firefighters in three weeks and we are in the PLAYOFFS???!!! This of course, is if the Firefighters don't win before that match-up!
I talked with our Small Guard (not big enough to be a small forward not a good enough shooter to be a shooting guard) Toastie, about the playoffs, here's what he had to offer:

"WE JUST GOTTA TAKE IT ONE GAME AT A TIME! WE'RE GONNA GIVE 110%! WE JUST GOTTA FOCUS ON OUR GAME AND NOT WORRY ABOUT WHAT THE SFD'S DOIN!" (This is written in CAPS because he had to yell because of all the ruckus after our victory.

Anyways, now on to more pressing matters in Willie Moe's World... The NFL Playoffs! The Championship Games are almost upon us, and Peyton Manning now has plenty of time to check on his fantasy insurance adjusters league. This weekend I'll have my Roethils-burger smothered in turf, with a side of mud as the Patriots show him what's up. Too bad for the Steelers, Adam Viniatieri can make kicks. Unlike that overrated David Akers (never trust a left-footed kicker!) . That's right Phelps, it better not come down to Akers, because I ain't leaving the room when he kicks. I predict an Eagles-Patriots Super Bowl, though, despite David Akers! And for the Super Bowl I predict lots of beer drinking, eating and a lot of me and Phelps getting loud, bitter and animated!

And finally if you haven't seen Dodgeball or Anchorman, get on it!!!
OK, stay classy......Planet Earth!

Merry Christmas, shitter's full!

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!


Remember Christmas isn't about being with loved ones, it's about being with family.

And a quarter for you too Audrey!

First let me say I got Chinese food on my break at work and I had exact change. That's it. I just like when that happens.
So i recently stumbled onto a couple things at my local drug and sundry. Okay so it's Eckerd's, with whom I have issues (who carries only Creamy Peanut Butter???!!!). But they had a new candy "bar", although I use the word bar loosely, hence the quotation marks, but we'll get to that in a moment. It's called the Take 5 and it's not such much a bar as it is two pieces of deliciousness. Now, you may be asking yourself why is it called Take 5? Or maybe you're asking yourself, "Is Willie Moe's life so boring and mundane that the most exciting thing going is a new type of candy bar?" I will first answer the latter question, or the one which I typed secondly-I never really grasped that whole former and latter stuff. And the answer to that is...YESSS! But don't judge me, you're the one talking to yourself. Alright in regards to the first question, it's because it includes five main items. These ingredients are:
1) Milk Chocolate
2) Peanuts
3) Peanut Butter
4) Caramel and
5) Pretzels

And the fact that it has pretzels in it makes it good for you. Shut up Phelps and let me believe what I want! It's not great, but it's very good. It's no Peanut Butter Twix though, these are to die for! but very hard to find in the king size package.

The other thing I stumbled upon, which I do not highly recommend is Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper! I don't know why it was only available in diet or, and this directed to Mr. Bojangles specifically, why a Cherry soda would have a specific new flavor featuring cherry????? Riddle me that Bohall, not to be confused with BoHall! Well I gotta find my wristbands, big game tonight against the firefighters, see ya there!

Why, is the carpet all wet, TODDDD?!!!!

This blog is primarily going out to my compatriates who I do not see much, who are planning on a possible trip into Syracuse to whoop it up at the Change Of Pace, on one of the only weekends I will not be in town. Willie MAD, Willie BASH! You know who you are! And if you don't, it's Jitter, Jables and Zek ( that's Danny's nickname that will perhaps never catch on.) Why, why, why....do you torture me so?! Going to the Change of Pace. On a Sunday. Without Willie? That's unpossible! Over this line, you do not cross! You people are absolutely killing me! HOOOOOOOOOCHIEEEEE MAMA! Why can this not be postponed two days or at least lengthened two days? Perhaps you were planning on staying two days and this bitter rant is really all for not. But listen here, you three wise, er, almost coherent, men. If you are in town ON Tuesday, you could see Toastie running around in short-shorts, high socks and a head band (sorry, still no dice on the rec specs! DAMMIT TOASTIE, WHAT THE HELL AH YA SCARED OF!). That's right, free tickets to the Change 'O' Pacers game!!!! And don't forget, Big Baby Jitters gets a free Chicken Wing Pizza for every free throw Toastie makes*. I implore, or perhaps emplore, I think it's implore, you....give me something. I will personally toss in a few extra bucks for regular priced wings on a weekday. How can you even think about going to Change of Pace without Eric Swann staring across at you with a twinkle in his eye and at least an ounce of wing sauce smeared all over his face? Dan and Jitter I made a call, you've got an extra couple of days off for this Kwanzaa celebration, pass the blue cheese! You think you can account for the bitterness quota, sans Willie Moe? I think not! I've got bitter you ain't never seen! I have no idea waht that means!!! And I'm not drunk right now!!! Cue Gary Coleman-"Whatchoo talkin 'bout everyone!"

*-void where prohibited

I was thinking of the immortal words of Socrates, who said, "I drank what?!"

First of all I would just like to start by letting everyone know, that I did not take steroids. I'm all natural, baby! This physique I possess has come from years of loafing around and a steady diet of beer and various fried and fast foods. I just wanted squash those rumors right away for all my fans. Now on to more exciting news (drum roll please).........
Last night it finally happened. No Bill and I did not finally let one and all know about our forbidden love, although we did have a rousing couple of rounds of gay chicken*! And no, I didn't break the roast beef sandwich record, either. But, last night, at Clark's Ale House, we finally captured the prize we had long sought, first place at trivia night. We finally brought prominence to the Bo Hall name with just the right combination of roast beef ( if you've never had a Clark's roast beef, then, what the heck are you doing with your life! Trust me it's a lil' slice of heaven, and this is coming from someone, who is "not a big fan" of roast beef!), quality beers, and delightful conversation. We have been on this quest for more than a year, and finally the prize and all the accolades that come with it, are ours'!! You may not think this is exciting, but try and put 4 druid fluids in ya and then we'll talk! And I'm not drunk right now!
************************************************************************************

Moving on in some sort of random order...... Tuesday Bill, Toastie Rage KJ and myself decided to celebrate our basketball bye week, a moral victory for us, by getting drunk at the COP (that's Change of Pace, not Citizen's On Patrol). You see our basketball team is nothing shy of abyssmal! We are 0-5 and our closest game was a 40 point loss. In our defense, it was a close 40! Anyways, we went to the COP to get drunk, eat chicken wings, oh so delicious chicken wings (sorry Jitter, how's Moochie?) and watch the SU game. Fortunately, the Orange, not to be confused with the Orangemen (don't even get me started on that horse pucky!), took over our Tuesday night losing ways. Oh the wings were so delectable, and when I burped the next morning I could still taste them,....glorious. Jitter, you too could have chicken wings anytime you want if you just moved back across the pond. But I digress. The Orange were playing in the Jimmy V Classic, a tournament of course in honor of the late Jim Valvano. so in between the two games, ESPN (that's an all sports network, where you can find such quality programming as the movie, 3, starring Barry Pepper, "I just wanna race daddy") aired Jimmy V's ESPY speech from, I believe, 1993, in it's entirety. The thing that got me the most is that the whole bar was dead quiet listening to the whole speech, a heart warming momemt that will be added to the COP annals. That's annal, not anal, Bill! Oh and SU did not look good, shooting horribly from the charity stripe, which as many of my compatriates can attest, irks me to know end! After all I was an Intramural Free Throw Shooting Champion. Sure, everyone is entitled to an off night, I mean I'm only 5-8 from the stripe this season myself. Which brings me to my wonderful idea for our basketball season. The Change 'O' Pacers will donate a chicken wing pizza to Big Baby Jitters for every free throw Toastie makes (he's currently 0-3). Jitter you best get coaching when you return. I wish the officials would like donate two points to us for each beer Toastie could drink during the game, that'd it make it interesting, eh, Latinos Unidos? That's right Toastie would all be like, "more Cerveza, (how do you spell this?) per favore?" and they'd all be like, "No mas!" Either that or we need some Rock 'n' Jock 50 point basket to be lowered down for us. Our next game is Tuesday at 7:30pm against the Syracuse Firefighters, and there are plenty of good seats still available!


This blog is dedicated to the loving memory of Grandma Stack

*-Bill and I aren't actually gay. Or are we? (Not that there's anything wrong with that!)

You can't spell Class without 'ass'! It's true, try it!

Well, here it is, the long awaited, much anticipated, return of Bitterness is a Fish You Can Catch! A lot has happened in the World of Willie Moe since my last entry, as it was a month ago to the day (eerie isn't it?) that I last wrote anything or really even used the internets. But, even before I get going I would like to wish a Happy Belated Birthday to my #1 fan- Timothy Joseph Conroy of Medford, OR. Lil' Timmy turned 27 years young this past weekend. Thanks for the support Tim, glad you enjoy the blog, look for an autographed picture in your mailbox, coming soon. Now to recap, the last couple entries came at a time where I was at my most bitter. The Yankees had just spanked the Red Sox in Game Three of the ALCS 19-8 to go up three games to none in the best of seven series and my friend Bill had a swollen uvula (not really sure of the spelling), attributed to Golden Anniversary Beer, a beer that was only $4.95 a 12er, how could you go wrong? Bill then vowed not to drink for two weeks. This lasted two days. We have since downgraded Bill down to Silver Anniversary beer only, for his uvula's sake! The Red Sox proceeded to win 8 straight games to capture their first World Championship in 86 years! ( I do not know what anniversary 86 years is?) Now, I know what you are thinking, "But Will, you are a die hard Red Sox fan and them winning the World Series only gets a couple lines in your blog, what is the dilly-oh?" Well I'm glad you asked Mr. John Q. Reader. A lot happens in a month and I will have blogs attributed to several things that have happened over this past thirty days, in later blogs, but today I want to talk about basketball.
As you may or may not know, this year me an my friends (yes this is not proper English, but my mom's an English teacher and every now and then I rebel against grammar!) have formed a rec league basketball team (your laugh here). We were just looking to get some excercise, have some fun and then get drunk afterwards. We are sponsored by Change of Pace, a nice family bar. Which means we go after the game and get drunk and eat pizza and the best wings around (sorry Jitter). Sounds like a good time, right? Well, okay it is, for the most part. You see, we entered the least competitive league, thinking, "Oh hey we won't get beat too badly, and there might even be a team or two we can almost win against." Little did we know, that we would be playing classless pricks who whine and bitch about everything. Let me run down a recap of our first 3 games:
Game 1: vs. Bond, King and Schoenk (some sort of law firm)
We lose 78-35- Now this seems like a lopsided game, and it was, but considering a lot of the people we had, had never even met, let alone played together I don't think we did all that bad. Especially since we were sereiously outsized (height wise obviously) and were outrebounded 88-4 (this is an exaggeration, hyperbole if you would, to just make the point we were seriously outrebounded). I had 6 points.

Game 2: vs. my mortal nemeses Chadwick's (a f**king Yankees/ Steelers bar)
This game was actually sort of competitive as we were actually only trailing by single digits a couple minutes into the second half, when one of our players had to leave the game because of injury, leaving us with only five players (at least 3 of which were out of shape white guys) to finish out the game. We lose 71-41. As Chadwick's proceeded to just pop threes for the last 5 minutes, added to there trash talking all game.
ON the bright side I had 9 points and we achieved all three of our goals-1) Score more than 35. 2) Hold Chump, I mean Chadwicks to under 78. 3) Get more than 3 offensive rebounds.

Game 3: vs. Latinos Unidos ( the league's defending champs)
We came in to this one knowing there was not much of a chance we would win, but this was just an utter ass whooping
With 5 minutes to go in the first half we had not scored a basket and trailed 40-0, until I cherry picked (which I do not condone, but these guys were classless pricks) and got a lay-up.
Now here's where the classlessness comes in. They had a full court press on the whole game (they had forty points before we had any!) They beat us by like 80, is there really a need to keep pressing? Was there RPI in jeopardy? Not only did they press all game, they also cherry picked. And this isn't an "all game" where it just seemed like all game, they literally did it all game. Now I don't mind losing, that I can handle, but due it with some class and sportsmanship. I could say whatever I want about this team, because I'm pretty sure none of them know how to use a computer or read.
On a positive not we lost by under 100 points
We also didn't feel bad when we learned they get together and practice 3 times a week, whereas we get together to get drunk three times a week. That could account for something.

We may not win a game, but so far we've been the classiest team and that should count for something. It doesn't, but it should.
I'm just waiting for Toastie to turn into a basketball playing werewolf. Toastie's the hairiest so he seems the most likely to do this. A quick montage of Toastie dunking, stealing, doing some fancy dribbling as we continue to win, until Toastie can't be the wolf anymore and wants to play the Championship game as himself. But we decide we can beat Latinos Unidos as Caucasians United. Another brilliant montage with some inspirational music in the background plays as we mount a come back and finally win on a big climactic play by the Toastmaster General himself. And we win. Turns out we didn't need the wolf after all it was in us all along (sniff).

Deja-vu, all over again!

Well, it almost seemed inevitable, but once again the Red Sox and Yankees will meet in a best-of-seven series to decide who represents the American League in the World Series. That can only mean one thing, it's go time! Yankees vs. Red Sox, New York vs. Boston, The Evil empire against Red Sox Nation, Clean-shaven Metrosexuals taking on Scruffy "Idiots". For baseball, it's a beautiful thing. And although, as a life-long Sox fan, I was rooting for the Twins in the LDS, I knew it wouldn't be the same if they didn't have to go through the Yankees. If anything it should be a good or at least entertaining series. First off, these teams have split their last 64 meetings right down the middle. The benches have cleared on a number of occassions. and if that's not tantilizing enough, there's a good chance you'll get to here either Tim McCarver or Steve Lyons announce the games. Dare I say, "Jackpot!"
But the reality of it all, is this really could be the year. This could be the year the BoSox do indeed "Reverse the Curse". On paper they're a better team at about 2/3 of the positions in the field. Now sure, "on paper", doesn't always translate to real life. And sure I've been saying, "this could be the year", every year as far back as I can remember. In fact, I think those were my first words. But this series the Red Sox are actually the favorites in Vegas. FAVORITES! Against the Yankees! Now Yankees fans are not exactly shaking in thier boots or anything, but they have to be somewhat nervous, whether they admit or not. Of course the way the Yankees fans tell it, not only have the Sox not won in 86 years but they have been dominated by the Bronx Bombers. Well not recently.
As I already mentioned they've split the last 64 meetings. The Sox took the season series by an 11-8 margin. The last time Boston swept a postseason series where the clinching game was at Fenway was, you guessed it, 1918. This of course, for those of you living under a rock for your whole life, was the last time the Red Sox were the World Champions. Now again all this means nothing, really. It's what happens on the field that decides the series. Red Sox nation knows that all too well. After all they are the ony team in baseball to be one strike, yes ONE FRICKIN, GALDARN strike, away from winning it all and not coming away with it. And I can't forget Aaron "Bleepin" Boone, partly because the highlight is shoved down my throat by Fox and ESPN at any chance possible, and partly because it haunts my draems. But the signs look good. The Yankees bullpen is very weak and their starters have been suspect most of the season. Even, Mr. Automatic, Mariano Rivera has struggled with the BoSox lineup, blowing two save this season alone against them(He only blew four total during the entire regular season.). Although Yankees fans won't admit it, they must be a tad bit nervous that this could be the year the Sox take down the Evil Empire. Rivalry, feud, whatever you want to call it, it's on, and should be another wild ride!

Bitterness 101

First off I would like to wish my good friend Kenneth Jones a belated Happy Birthday! Go get 'em Kenners! Mothers, lock up your daughters, Ken's on the prowl!
So, while I was working out at the gym the other day. What?! Okay fine you got me Columbo ("You see Columbo, he pretends to be stupid, when really he's sharp like tack."), while I was drinking heavily at a bar the other day I started thinking. No, really, I did. It all started with something, my faithful hetero-life mate Bill Shannon, had said to be hours earlier. Allow me to paint you a picture:
As you may or may not no, I am, on occassion, a tad bit on the bitter side. Sure there are several stages of my bitterness, the highest level, of course, being bitter, drunken Willie. At this point I become very bitter, angry and will, at times, engage in nonsensical arguments, which I don't lose, in my mind anyway. Actually, whilst in this stage I may at some point in my incoherent ranting realize I'm wrong, but keep going for know other reason, than to avoid admitting I'm wrong. One example, would be when my doctor, Dr Chaos himself, Mark Phelps, and I were arguing about the Olympics, of all things, at a local watering hole and we were asked to leave, due to the fact that we could not control, "THE VOLUMES OF OUR VOICES!" It's not something I'm gonna throw on a resume, sure, but I think it adds a unique variable to the bar experience. But, I digress, back to the tale at hand, Billy.
You see Billy and his better half Rage KJ went to the Buffalo Bills, New England Patriots game this past Sunday. In retelling his story, he said he, during the game, had turned into drunken, bitter Willie. Sure, like a mom learning her child had finally stopped wetting the bed, I was proud. However, as he went into detail, I realized this drunken, bitter Billy would not have pleased me. You see the Bills (Bill's favorite squadron) were playing host to the defending World Champion and undefeated New England Patriots (Willie's favorite squadron). Now, as Bill can attest, in general we have no real ill wishes towards each other or our respective teams, because as I put it, "The two teams have never really been good at the same time." So really there is no hatred, from me, towards the Bills. I reserve my football hatred for the Dolphins, Cowboys and Raiders, oh my! But, poor Bill, was seated amongst a large Patriot contingent, in BUFFALO! Which, is fine, gotta go and support the team, right? But a bunch of them had red shirts, with the number 32 on the front, with either O.J. or Juice printed on it (you'll have to ask Bill, I am telling this second- hand.) and on the back a number 11, with the words "Wide Right". Now, if you're not a Bills fan, this is, I will admit humorous, but at the same time cruel. As I previously mentioned, there is no need for Patriots fans to have any sort of hatred directed towards the Bills or their fans. But this is like opening up Pandora's Box with my young bitter padawan learner, as well it should of. Now what Bill yelled, I cannot endorse, but I also do not fault him for it. The only thing to do in Bill's situation, that would not possibly cost him jail time (Jail time? What am I talking about, his brother's BEACH JUSTICE!), was to yell out, a chant I could not and would not, ever, ever, ever utter in that tone, "19-18!" Now Bill hates the Yankees with a lot of his being, not as much as me, because only master Yoda has those kinda of levels, he was just doing it to get a rise out of said hecklers, which is CHAPTER 1 in Willie Moe's: A Guide to Being Bitter (to order, call toll free 1-800-555-HOTT, operators are standing by. Order now and get a free MEGA-MART NO THANK YOU mesh hat!).
You see, while at the bar both the Yankees-Twins and Red Sox-Angels games were on. From what I could tell, there were only Yankees and Red Sox fans watching these games. But both sets of fans had a rooting interest in both games. Red Sox fans cheering on the BoSox and the Twins, while Yankee fans rooted on the Angels and the Yanks. It's just amazing how much you can hate people, without even talking to them or hearing them speak, just by who they're cheering for. I love it! Which brings me to the Yankees fans. Now, if Yankees fans feel they are so far superior than the Red Sox and are not worried about the Red Sox, why would they be rootin against them? After all, according to everyone outside of Beantown, this isn't a rivalry, because it's so one-sided. But is it, is it really? The way Yankees fans talk you would think the Red Sox hardly ever beat them. Sure they have like 20 more championships, but in head-to-head, last I checked it's been pretty close of late (not over the span of their entire existences). Just in the last two years, for example , the two teams have split the last 64 meetings (this is before this year's ALCS, which I'm not even gonna get into, we'll save the bitter blog for a later date). Or the fact that in the late 80s, early 90s, The Red Sox were winnning the AL East, with division titles in '86, '88, and '90. Seems pretty lop-sided to me (note the sarcasm). now Yankees fans may say, well they're winning now, you're talking about the past. Oh, the past, really? The past as in 1918, past? Or 2000, the last Yankees title, past? Yankees fans make me extremely angry and bitter, that's a given. They are like the little spoiled kid down the street who gets everything he wants, like the Knight Rider Big Wheel. Damn you kid who's name I can't remember because your family moved in 2nd grade! But I digress. Now I'm not saying Red Sox fans aren't annoying, because that certainly would not be true, but obviously that annoys me less. And it's not all fans. Its those Yankees fans who come out in October and have no idea what's going on and yell out stupid crap at bars and cheer for fly balls that are routine outs (God I hate that!) and saying things like, and this is an exact quote about the ALCS during Game 1 at the Change of Pace, where they have the most glorious wings ever, but anyway, now that you're lost in this sentence and may need a nap, "Is this a best of seven series?" I just want to grab one of those Quick Draw pencils and stab them in the eye! Now that I've vented a little, I can about my business of the day, which of course will involve drinking and being very bitter, whilst continuing with Billy-ball's bitter training.

I'll take Potent Potables for $600 Alex.

Well here it, the much anticipated, long awaited, classic overphrases of what will go down in history has the Best Weekend Ever-Interleague/Old-Stlye.
The participants:
Dr. Chaos himself, Mark "One can of soda" Phelps
The Drunken 5'11 Irishman, Casey, better known as Toastie and lesser known as Shortstop
Jitter- 6'10 baller from Landfill, OH
Jables- The biggest user of Tums in the greater Albany area
Billy- The man behind the "fourth wall" (that means he held the camera)
The Red-Faced Bostonian-Thomas C. O'Connor, aka Tucker
His pal and confidant, Reyn
Danny "you're dead to me" Banazek
Myself, Willie Moe Pain-ya!, a bitter young man with too many hats.
Oh yeah and Dunford

On with the show:
"I'm 5'11!"-Toastie

" Mega-Mart No Thank You! (In reference to my glorious mesh hat)! Mini-mart, yes please."-Jitter

Upon entering the city of Chi-ga-go and seeing an inactive tank:
Toastie, "Why is there a tank there?" My reply, "In case there's a war." (insert Bill giggling here)

"I thought it was the New Jersey album, I was gonna throw myself out of the van!"- Billy

After having to pull off the highway, we looked to Tucker for answers: Us in the van, "Tommy, what's going on?" Tommy's reply, "Anybody got any gum?" (enter the repeated lines from Norm MacDonald as David Letterman on SNL)

In reference to a candy bar mishap on a previous trip, to Montreal, "No candy bars for TOASTIE!"-Phelps

"G-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-UN-IT!" Bill to some random African-American in Landfill, OH, to which Bill got G-united right back.

"Rock-it!"-Everyone

Toastie, after pumping his fist to a Chi-ga-go bus driver, driving by, "The bus driver rocked me back!"

"Red, pink and blue. God Bless America!"- Me, in reference to the colors of the three wristbands I was donning at the time.

Made up TV spot for the Kroger beverage, Dr. K, "Hey Jitter, how 'bout an house call?" "Ahhhh, just what the doctor ordered!"

"We need constant attention."- My response to our special waitress at the Chi-ga-go bar Sluggers, when asked if we needed anything

"I'm eyeing that soda"- Me in a whisper to Toastie, upon Phelps hopping in the van with a solo can of soda.

"9 inches!"-Don't ask!

"All of it higher"

"AJ Feely, without question, the next Hugh Millen"-Me

"Classic Over-Stroh's!"-Jitter

"I haven't seen a wave that sad since Little League."- Me to Phelps at Miler Park in Wilewaukee, WI

"All of it lower!"

"DUNFORD, watch the road!!!!!"-Everyone in the van fearing for their respective lives.

At the Cubs game (I heard this one second-hand):
Phelps: It's cold.
Dunford: That's why they call it the Windy City.
Tucker (to Phelps): Just punch him in the face Phelpsy."
Editor's note: The term "Windy City" does not actually refer to the weather but to the city's political nature.

"Someone put him out of his misery."-Some random girl while watching Tommy attempt to hula-hoop outside of Wrigley Field

"I'm gonna Press My Luck!"

"Don't get it caught in his thicket of back hair." Javen in reference to the Arby's Adventure Meal toy being rolled along Toastie's back. P.S.-Toastie does have amazing back hair.

"Pass the blue cheese."

"I need some pizza buddy."-Tommy, in response to me trying to get him in a cab back to our hotel. Tommy was highly intoxicated at the time, I wondered how it came to pass that he was still standing.

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN!"- Jitter and Billy

"I don't want you to think I just sleep with random dudes!"- Toastie's message to Pa Cregg for father's day. It's true, Danny and I are by no means random dudes.

Q:"What's Reyn throwing up in?"
A:" A Dodge Stratus."

"Tree! Slap! Boing!"- Possible lyrics to the song, "Roll out the barrel."

And finally, we need to, "FREEZE THOSE CARDS!"

Goodnight and godbless!

It's Debatable!

Last evening I watched my first ever Presedential debate from start to finish. Not having cable, it was either that or watch the hit WB series (yes, I realize I just used "hit" and the WB in the same sentence, god help me!) One Tree Hill, with special guest star Huey Lewis. Like that's gonna happen! C'mon, I already have that episode on tape! So anyways here's my take on the debate:

John Kerry reminds me of one of those puppets from the Phil Collins video. You know, "this is the world we live in, woooooh...."


George W. (pronounced dubya) Bush kind of reminded me of Adam Sandler towards the end of Billy Madison, just hoping his topic would be, "Dog poo and the human response"

John Kerry: This war on Iraq reminds me much of the war in Vietnam, which I not only fought in, but was awarded purple hearts.

Dubya: This war on terrorism (pronounced tearism when Bush says it) reminds me of a little puppy, a little puppy that lost it's way.

Kerry: I WILL hunt down and kill the terrorists, much like I had to hunt and kill in Vietnam, where I served our country and was awarded purple hearts.

Dubya: I'm the PREZ! Nobody beats me, cause I'm the PREZ!

Kerry: This tan I now have, is much like the one I got in Vietnam, where I served our country proudly. It was hot and sunny over there, in Vietnam, where I was awarded purple hearts.

Dubya: I'm the president, neeeener, neener, neeeeeeeeener.

Now a way to make the upcoming debates fun for the whole family at home.....Turn them into a drinking game of course! (Make sure you have lots of alcohol available)

1drink anytime:
Bush is shown with that smug, arrogant disintersted, digusted face, otherwise known as the Bush, "I'm not really listening, but I know they're talking bad about me" face

Kerry shows those big equine teeth of his (get the guy a bit to chew on)

Bush stutters or has a long "thinking" pause

Anyone one says "War on terrorism". Bush saying, "the war on tearism" also counts.

2 drinks anytime:
Bush uses a big word that he doesn't understand. We're talking polysyllabic intelligent words that there's know way in Iraq, he knows the meaning of. Example from last night: Vociferously

Anytime either candidate utters the words, "Wrong war, wrong place, wrong time."

Anytime Bush refers to Kerry as a flip-flopper or shower shoes

Anytime Kerry mentions his service in Vietnam

3 drinks for:
Mention of stem cell research, gay marriage (this drink must be either a daquiri or a sea breeze), or weapons of mass destruction.

Either candidate does the ever famous, Clinton thumb point thing.

Bush makes up a word, like couragosity.

These are just a few things, feel free to see where the wind takes you and add you're own rules to the game. Let's make America great again folks! Get out and vote and vote often, for your NBA All-Stars! We will get John Kerry on that team yet!

VOTE KERRY!
GO RED SOX!
MEGA-MART NO THANK YOU!