ARE YOU PREPARED FOR A BIT OF FOOTBALL?

I recently watched The Hangover, for like the billionth time, and I do like that movie, plenty and it definitely holds up as a funny, entertaining movie. Now, it is a movie, so you certainly have to willingly suspend your disbelief many times, which is fine, because no one is going to watch The Hangover to increase their knowledge or keep them thinking. But as I watched this delightful piece of American cinema once again, a question I have often asked when watching it, popped into my head again. That question, "what about the chicken?"


Now, I grant you the Wolfpack surely had bigger proverbial fish to fry and, as I mentioned, you have to be willing to suspend some disbelief, but still, no acknowledgement of the chicken or where it came from, whatsoever? Sure there a theories and half-butted explanations, but nothing that really explains this "fowl" play. That is one of the first thing Ed Helm's character sees the "morning after", but no mention of it and obviously his attention is quickly distracted by the larger issues at hand: missing friend, tiger in the bathroom, baby in the closet, et al. Later they return to the villa trying to find money and Phil even knocks the chicken asunder. In a movie where there is so much you just have to dismiss, this is something I feel needed to be addressed at some point, even if offhandedly. It's something that, although it does not really prevent me from enjoying the movie, irks me a pinch. Much like the mystery of the chicken in The Hangover, is the mystery of Tom Brady in the 2014 NFL season.

Jets (+9.5) at Patriots- The Tom Brady of the past two weeks, just seemed to appear, like a mysterious chicken on a villa floor after a wild night of partying. But did he? Did he really? If you only look at the numbers then, sure, Brady looked great. But if you actually watched him, and watched his throws, you would see that nothing has changed after the first few games. The changed the offense, using three tight end sets and putting a guy in as a fullback, which presumably will give Brady more time, but if you look close you will see that Brady is still struggling hitting his spots and the deep ball is a pale comparison of what it once was. Luckily, the Patriots get the Jets on Thursday night, at home. The Patriots manage to win at home, especially in prime time, just ask the Bengals. Plus, even with the injuries, you still have to realize that the Geno Smith is the Jets QB and that doesn't smell like a victory for the J-E-T-S, Jets, Jets, Jets. Patriots 35-21

WEEK SIX: KICKPUNTER II, PUNTER'S REVENGE

Week six brings us a Browns-Steelers rematch! So, we must, must, revisit the kickpunter heard round the blogosphere!











Yeah, I'm excited, too! Well, due to vacation and limited wi-fi, gonna get right to it, in this condensed version of the weekly picks.

Broncos (-9.5) at Jets: Normally, I don't take spreads this high..on the road but, ya know, Geno Smith. Broncos 35-17

Steelers (+1) at Browns: Is this where we are? A world where the Browns are favored in games? Steelers 21-17

Jaguars (+4) at Titans: The safest bet is that this game has the fewest viewers this week. Jaguars 27-17

Bears (+3) at Falcons: Can you say shootout? Matt Ryan at home, right now, is ridiculous. Falcons 35-31

Packers (-3) at Dolphins: Is there much to explain, here? Packers 24-14

Lions (+1) at Vikings: Even without Calvin Johnson or Reggie Bush or Joique Bell I would take the Lions. Lions 23-13

Panthers (+6.5) at Bengals: Thinking the Bengals are liking the Panthers horrible defense after Sunday's debacle in Foxboro. Bengals 27-17

Patriots (-2.5) at Bills: Bills play the Pats tough, they have new ownership and it is a classic trap game...I think. Bills 24-21

Ravens (-3.5) at Buccaneers: The Buccaneers are not so good, Al. Ravens 31-14

Chargers (-7) at Raiders: Really all you need to know is the Raiders are on one side of the ball. Chargers 35-20

Cowboys (+8) at Seahawks: Upset special of the week, based on my gut. Cowboys 21-20

Redskins (+3.5) at Cardinals: Cards may have a wildly unproven, untested QB at the helm...that's a recipe for disaster. Redskins 21-14

Giants (+3) at Eagles: You know the Eagles offense has actually kind of sputtered this season. Giants 34-28

49ers (-3.5) at Rams: The Niners are just a better team right now. Niners 27-20

ARE YOU ALL SET TO WATCH FOOTBALL

I know this guy's ready!

Colts (2-5) at Texans: Due to illness this week and generally being a bit behind at work, this post is gonna be a bit shorter than usual. Plus, I am so tired of these Thursday night games and their garbage scores. Who's with me? The Texans are supposed to have a good defense, but good enough to stop the efficient steam engine that is the Colts offense, though? Well, the Colts looked unstoppable against Jacksonville and Tennessee, but, is that really impressive? They are 1-2 against teams with current winning records. The Colts are 2-0 against teams that are a combined 1-9, so pardon me if I don't jump up on the "Praise the Colts" bandwagon. Sure, they beat the Ravens, but if you actually believe Flacco to Smith, Sr. will be carry them the rest of the way, well, I got a bridge to sell ya. Of course, buying the Colts as a super awesome juggrenaut, really has little to do with tonight's game, since the Texans are middle of the road at best. At best! But Ryan Fitzpatrick's beard is still gahhhh-lorious!



Sadly, though, gaahhhhh-lorious beards no longer play a role in deciding NFL games. Colts 28-21

WEEK FIVE: RAIDERS AND DOLPHINS SOLD SEPARATELY

Nothing much to say when our high above the mucky muck. 

Bears (+2.5) at Panthers- A majority of Carolina's rushes on Sunday could belong to either an undrafted free agent out of Alabama-Birmingham or a grown man named Fozzy (insert "wocka wockas")? Yeah, so I'll  take the Bears, over Fozzy (bear). Bears 28-24

Browns (+2) at Titans- The Titans have not been, what I'd call, good. Sure Charlie Whitehurst's flowing locks will draw you in, but other than that? That being said, if there were ever a franchise to disappoint you, it would be the one from Cleveland.

Rams (+7) at Eagles- The Iggles return home after a devastating loss to the Niners on the road. I was thinking there is probably some sort of statistic that chronicles east coast teams playing out west one week, losing, then playing on the east coast the following week. Well, I didn't find such a statistic, and it was for a lack of looking. Eagles 24-20

Falcons (+4) at Giants- Eli Manning is on a roll and should keep that up for a few more weeks, before he leads his team on downward spiral to finish the season. Plus Matt Ryan struggles out of doors. Giants 23-17

Buccaneers (+10) at Saints
Texans (+6) at Cowboys- Ah, the Lone Star State Bowl....finally. While I am not completely sold on the Cowboys as a playoff contending team, unless this comes down to quarterback beards...

I am going with the 'Boys. Cowboys 21-12

Bills (+7) at Lions- I mentioned last week, or the week before? It's not important when, but basically I saw the Bills hitting some rough spots. Now worries, though, Kyle Orton is here to save the day! Lions 21-13

Ravens (+3.5) at Colts- How is Steve Smith doing this? Oh, sorry. How is Steve Smith, Sr. doing this? I don't quite know, but I do know that for all the gaudy numbers he is putting up for Baltimore, Andrew Luck is putting up even more gaudy numbers for the Colts. Colts 27-21

Steelers (-6.5) at Jaguars- The Steelers are one of only three road teams to be favored. Much of that has to do with their road game being in Jacksonville. That is where the Jaguars play. The Jaguars have not been good at football lately. Honestly I can see an upset happen, I mean the Buccaneers, after getting blown out against the Falcons mind you, beat the Steelers, in Pittsburgh. I actually think Bortles will keep the Jags in this, somewhat, and even with the Jags absolutely deplorable defense, right now I think we're headed for an upset. Jaguars 35-31

Cardinals (+7) at Broncos- Shootout city! Am I right? Broncos 31-21

Chiefs (+6) at 49ers- Despite what you saw on Monday night, the Chiefs are not that good. 49ers 25-11

Jets (+6.5) at Chargers- I don't know much, but I do know the Jets are worse than the Chargers. Chargers 

Bengals (-1) at Patriots- So here's the thing, the Patriots have looked like they should be written off for dead a couple times in the Brady era and they have bounced back. maybe you have heard that somewhere. Maybe you even buy in to the fact the Patriots find ways to win in the Belichik era, but if you watched that game Monday night, you saw a highly inefficient offense a frustrated Brady. This is at home, in primetime and for some reason, that defies actual logic and reason, I think the Pats pull of a bounceback victory. Patriots 35-31

Seahawks (-7) at Redskins- Washington's last primetime home game was, if I'm being nice, less than good. I think Kirk Cousins will turn thing around, but not on Monday night...against the Seahawks. Seahawks 31-17

ARE YOU PREPARED FOR THE FOOTBALL?!

Of course you are, it's a rhetorical question, folks! Who wouldn't be prepared for another exhilrating Thursday nighter? Just because none of the previous four TNF games been nail biters? Well saying they weren't nail biters is like calling World War II a minor scuffle. Every Thursday night game has been decided by three or more scores. Well, let me be more specific, here. No Thursday night game has been decided by less, less, than 20 points. Now, the two games decided by exactly 20 points still offered a glimmer of hope, early in the second halves, that the game could still get competitive. Well, we know how those turned out, but the last two Thursday nighters have been utter, for lack of a better word, debacles. I mean, if it gets as bad, as, early as it has in the last two games and you find yourself flipping channels to catch the new Kate Walsh vehicle (and I am sure, smash hit) Bad Judge, there's something wrong. Luckily fantasy football still keeps many interested until their players get pulled, so there is that. So, is this the week actually get something resembling a decent game on Thursday night?

Vikings (+8.5) at Packers- Well Teddy Bridgewater may not play for the Vikings due to his ankle injury (drawback of the short week) which means we may see Christian Ponder under center for the Vikes. Not quite the words you want to hear if you're rooting for a close game or, you know, the Vikings. Bridgewater looked highly serviceable against the Falcons, and I actually think he could create some problems for the Packers D, but Christian Ponder on the other hand? Well, the best thing I can say about Ponder's NFL playing career is he married attractive ESPN college football sideline reporter, Sam Steele, making her Sam Ponder.

As you can see, she is very popular with the male demographic. Where was I? Oh yeah, the game.

Now, if Bridgewater does start, I think this once dances around the spread for a bit, but then again, no Thursday night game, this season, has really danced around the spread much. Plus this is in Green Bay, so as much as I kind of want to pick the Vikings, I just can't do it. Packers 37-17

KIRK COUSINS AND OTHER POOR LIFE CHOICES

The title of this post sort of says it all, doesn't it? If only I could truly blame my five week four fantasy football losses. I am sure I am not the only one who rolled with the trendy fantasy football thrower, Mr. Cousins, in week four, but maybe I'm in the minority of collective fantasy ninnies on this one. Whether or not you were completely on board with the Cousins Coup or not, I am guessing most did not expect the numbers Cousins put up on Thursday night against the Giants. The only week four starting quarterback who put up worse fantasy numbers was Nick Foles (who I happened to start in another league, but we can table that one).

Now Foles faced the Niners defense, but still. I mean, Derek Carr scored more fantasy points and his replacement, yes replacement, Matt McGloin almost, almost, had more points than Cousins in week four. Whitehurst, Fitzpatrick, and Glennon all had more points than Cousins.  

Like I said, no matter how much you were buying into the hype, against the Giants weak secondary, you figured Cousins would be serviceable. Well you, like myself, were sorely mistaken. This was the starter I went with to try and stop my team from going winless while Andy Dalton was on a bye. I drafted RG III, if you're wondering how these options even came to be. Now interceptions are not necessarily the death knell in fantasy football. Usually you lose a point or two, but that is easily overcome by TD passes or even a buttload (yes a buttload) of yards. So, I watched. I held onto hope. That is what my fantasy season has become. Sitting there, watching football, not reading the signs, grasping at straws. This night was still salvageable, though. I mean as the deficit increased, the Skins would have to pass more, and pass they did...unfortunately. Unfortunately, because that really went nowhere, because while an interception will not hurt you too much, throwing four freaking interceptions certainly will.   

In one league I streamed Josh McCown in week three on Thursday night, after losing RG III (yeah I stupidly put a lot of my eggs in RG III's basket, he's my fantasy kryptonite..let's move on) and that was actually a worse performance by fantasy standards. In back-to-back weeks I have had a quarterback score less than four fantasy points. Only five of the 26 placekickers, PLACEKICKERS, scored fewer points in week four than Kirk Cousins. For whatever reason, I continue to subject myself to this weekly torment and irrational anxiety attacks that come with trying to make a winning lineup. It sucks me in for several hours a week and is supposed to, supposed to, provide a pleasant distraction from the rigors of my every day life. In reality, it is just making me more miserable by the week. Well, on that upbeat note, here are some more fantasy football thoughts, not that you should necessarily listen too them.

• Justin Forsett should put up decent numbers in week five. How do I know this? Well, I dropped him in a league where I am 0-4 and am now pulling a Costanza.
• Speaking of idiotic things I've done this season...picking up Roy Helu, Jr., then dropping him before the Thursday night game where he would have grabbed me 11.10 points (My new team name is now Helu Darkness My Old Friend) was just genius.
• Instead I played a hunch on the Ravens backup tight end/ H-back (even as I typed that I couldn't believe it), the superstar that is Kyle Juszczyk (who?).
  
• I like Jerrick Mckinnon more than Matt Asiata. There I said it!
• You can buy low on Tom Brady. I don't recommend it, just stating a fact.
• Not entirely sure how projections are created, but Cordarelle Patterson has missed his projections, and by a good 10-12 points, in all but one week. I may have to bench him to get him to score some points.
• I was actually sort of right about Teddy Bridgewater having a good day...which is why I had him backing up Bortles (surprisingly I have somehow won a game in that league).
• Bortles should be decent, but if you're forced to start him right now, may want to reevaluate.
• Denard Robinson is gonna do some things...as soon as Toby Gerhart stops getting so many touches! Which is probably real far off, what with Gerhart's 2.65 YPC and all.
• I'd probably sell high on Steve Smith, Sr.
• Oh good, James White looked good for the Pats...that's bound to cut into Ridley and Vereen's touches, somehow...stupid Belichik.
• What a surprise, Cecil Shorts III is hurt... Allen Hurns time?
• Well, looks like Eli could still be viable. Drat.

• Get on Darrin Reaves...not sure if he'll be good, but he'll get the ball so, ya know, that's something. If he gets hurt, though, well....it's anyone's guess.
• DeSean Jackson could be one of the most frustrating owns in fantasy football this season, although I'm sure there are plenty of other candidates...cough, Tom Brady, cough.
• Eddie Lacy breaks out this week....maybe.
• Nice pass at the end of the 1st half Jay Cutler....you owe me two touchdowns.
• Travis Kelce = beast
• This week's byes are almost as bad as last week, I mean whatever will we do without the Dolphins and Raid....hahahah, ahhh, I couldn't even finish the sentence.

Well, that's all I got, here's hoping you have better luck (skill?) than me! 

WEEK FOUR: REVENGE OF THE BYES

"Bye weeks? Bronco Nagurski didn't get no bye weeks, and now he's dead!....Well...maybe they're a good thing." Ah, the immortal words of Morris "Moe" Szyslak.


So true. Maybe they are a good thing? I mean not from a fantasy standpoint. I mean that's basically why I was streaming Kirk Cousins on Thursday night, so you can see what I am saying. This is one of two weeks, I believe (I'm not gonna research this or anything), where six, yes six, teams will be on a bye. Almost 20% (18.75% in case you don't have your Texas Instruments graphing calculator handy) of the league is on byes this week.

 Now, I'm sure making the schedule is no easy task, what with travel and time zones or whatever, but is it absolutely, positively, necessary for six teams to be on a bye one week and have other weeks where only two teams have byes? Hey maybe there is something deeper at work here, but I am the only one who remembers when one whole division would have a bye week? Now, that would cause a bit more planning, but now it seems more willy nilly (not a word according to spell check) than anything. Why not have eight weeks of byes, instead of nine, and have four teams off, each of those weeks? Would that really be so hard? Would it? I'm actually asking here, people.

So you cut the number of bye weeks to eight, now let's start them later in the season. I mean, I get it, some teams are going to get the short end of the stick, regardless of how you slice this, but after week thress, three, these professional athletes, these prime physical specimens (you know, your Vince Wilfork-types notwithstanding) need a break? Let's have teams actually get into the season, before we give them a week off from playing a game, huh?

If we use the eight bye week format (as I think we should) you could start in week six and the byes would be done in week 13. Heck (sorry for cussing), start 'em in week seven and end in week 14.  Bye weeks end in week 12, so what's another week or two? I'm sure players would rather have a week off from games as close to the playoffs as possible. You end in week 13, you still have four weeks with full slates of games. But remember, you have also added an extra week with a full slate of games, by cutting out a bye week. Now, if you really wanna go hog wild, do five weeks, with six teams on  byes and one lonely week with two teams having a bye. Now, we can start the byes much later, when more teams would actually need them and we've now added three more weeks without a bye. Fans win, players win, everyone's happy (#WillForNFLCommissioner)! No need to chime in right away, let it simmer and get back to me. For now, let's take a look at week four, Twitter style.

Syracuse (+9) vs #8 Notre Dame- Come on #Cuse! At least hang in for a half of football and I'll be happy! #OrangeNation Notre Dame 34-17

Dolphins (-3.5) vs Raiders (in London)- Carr-Tannehill! Yeah, that's all you get, #England. #notaxationwithoutrepresentation #U-S-A Dolphins 24-14

Packers (-2) at Bears- This'll be a #shootout. Go w/ the QB with more endorsements #discountdoublecheckdowntoLacy Packers 31-27

Texans (-3) vs Bills- Feels like a trap, after #Texans were shredded by Eli, but, hey, I'm a moron. #HighWattage Texans 24-17

Colts (-8) vs Titans- Perfect trap game here, for Luck and the boys, I think? #RiseofSankey Colts 26-20

Ravens (-3.5) vs Panthers- #Slugfest #slobberknocker #gonnagetugly #wininthetrenches Ravens 20-16

Lions (-1.5) vs Jets- Joique Bell? More like "Joke" Bell with just 33 yards on 15 carries last week. #Joiquesonyou Lions 24-20

Steelers (-7.5) vs Buccaneers- Bucs gameplan: embarrass themselves less than last week.  Steelers 28-14

Chargers (-13) vs Jaguars- Borltes era begins; Jags era of terribleness....continues. Chargers 35-21

49ers (-5) vs Eagles- WTF? Could Kaepernick and Niners really start 1-3?! OMG LOLZ. #Kaepernickisbicepual 49ers 28-24

Falcons (-3) at Vikings- Teddy Bridgewater gets 1st start; my parents went to Bridgewater State College. #ThatsallIhavetosayaboutthat Vikings 24-23

Saints (-3) at Cowboys- Might as well read Underachieving (-3) at Undertalented #BURN Saints 31-23 

Patriots (-3.5) at Chiefs- For some reason, I see an Monday night upset in the cards. #UpsetSpecial Chiefs 21-20

That's it, that's all I got, go away, now!

ARE YOU PREPARED FOR SOME FOOTBALL?

It's Thursday night football and a good portion of my undisciplined chums are headed over tonight!

Giants (+3.5) at Redskins: Alright, this Thursday night we have another division skirmish on the docket, but do we have another blowout on our hands? Last week the lopsided Thursday night game took on a new meaning, with the Falcons' dismantling of the Buccaneers, 56-14. I don't think you'll see that this week, but, what do I know, really?

Look, it's very easy to dismiss Eli having a respectable game, last week. Oh, sorry, did you think I was going to follow that up with a "but" or some sort of caveat (which I recently learned is not a sort of scarf thing; that's a cravat)? Nope, just stating a fact. Sure, Eli was decent for, arguably, the first time in 2014 and sure, it was against the defensive juggernaut that is the Texans, but, well, come on, it's still Eli.


Right? Okay, Eli's not that terrible, but his supporting cast right now is, well, not terrible, but not so good. But are they good enough to beat the 'Skins?

The 'Skins defense has actually been pretty decent this season, allowing the third fewest rushing yards and tenth fewest passing yards in the NFL thus far. Really too early to tell what to believe, but Kirk Cousins does look darned decent out there and the Giants pass defense has, umm, not. The Giants are 22nd in the NFL in passing yards allowed per game, so I think Kirk Cousins puts up some big digits this week, but blowout big? Are we headed for that classic "should a player lose his job because of injury?" scenarios?

I know how we all love those (just ask Drew Bledsoe). Now, it is really far, far too soon to tell what kind of entree Cousins is bringing to the dinner table (it's a saying...or at least it's gonna be), but I am sure the thought of RG III losing his job is rattling around the heads of sports fans in DC and elsewhere. In fact, I have a friend who is a Redskins fan (he's from the DC area, so I allow it) and he texted me last week saying, "It's Cousins show now." So, tune in tonight as the ascension of Kirk Cousins into the Mark Rypien strata (why not?) continues.

Oh, and also, in 2014 the home team has not only won every Thursday night game, but won it in fairly convincing fashion. I think that trend continues Thursday, with the Redskins triumphing over the G-men, 28-17.