INDIANAPOLIS (2-0) @ HOUSTON (2-0): That's right folks, it is not a joke, the Texans are 2-0. Yes the Houston Texans. And should be able to somehow pull off the upset of Indy on Sunday, you will actually get to here the phrase, "The first place Texans." Sounds weird, right? Well I wouldn't worry too much, the Colts are still far superior and will be able to "Stump the Schaub" on Sunday, especially with Andre Johnson sidelined. Colts 21-10.
SAN DIEGO (1-1) @ GREEN BAY (2-0): Remember when the Chargers were an offensive powder keg? Okay, okay, the Bears and Patriots aren't exactly lowly defensive squads, but still, c'mon. Well, it shouldn't get much easier Sunday in Lambeau against a very solid Packer defense. But here's the thing, the Packer "O" is a bit more in the direction of Chigago's than it is New England's. Plus they probably won't know what defenses are coming, so advantage "Whale's Vagina." Chargers 17-13.
MINNESOTA (1-1) @ KANSAS CITY (0-2): How bad are the Chiefs? Seriously, I'm asking. Cause they seem pretty bad thus far. I'm not saying the Vikings are good, but they're looking better than the Chiefs. Get ready for a barn burner in "The Show Me State." Vikes 9-3.
DETROIT (2-0) @ PHILADELPHIA (0-2): I know, it seems like those records should be reversed, right? Well, with God on his side, how does anyone bet against Kitna? I don't know how or why, but Kitna will prevail and for an encore will turn Gatorade Arctic Blast into wine. And Kitna smote the Eagles, 24-21.
BUFFALO (0-2) @ NEW ENGLAND (2-0): Man the Bills have tough few opening weeks. Denver, at Pittsburgh, at New England, then host the Jets, Cowboys and Ravens, then they are at the Jets and host the Bengals, at the '85 Bears and then host the '72 Dolphins. Man that's a rough schedule, where's Pete Metzalaars when you need him? Patriots 38-14 (cause it seems like that'll be the score of every Patriots win?)
MIAMI (0-2) @ NEW YORK JETS (0-2): Well, barring a tie, one of these teams will be 0-3. But who, oh who, will it be? I'll give you a hint: It rhymes with 'My Hammy'. Jets 28-10.
SAN FRANCISCO (2-0) @ PITTSBURGH (2-0): Seems like this would be a good matchup, but the 49ers haven't been able to score points on the Cardinals or Rams defenses, I don't really see how they'll be able to put up point son the vaunted Steelers defense? Steelers 10-6.
ARIZONA (1-1) @ BALTIMORE (1-1): SEND IN THE BIRDS! (Joke that very few of our readers will get, but Bill's probably laughing.) For some reason, it seems just a bit too easy to take the Ravens in this one. I mean, do the Cardinals really have a shot in this one? I wish I thought they did, but alas, me thinks the Ravens will win. They keep their heads on a swivel and that's what you need in an angry bird fight! Ravens 27-20.
ST. LOUIS (0-2) @ TAMPA BAY (1-1): This is the week the Rams break out my friends! Yes, you heard it hear first, the Rams will dominate. Stephen Jackson will run amuck, while Mr. Bulger "makes it rain" in Tampa. Rams 45-24.
JACKSONVILLE (1-1) @ DENVER (2-0): Ah yes a rematch of the epic 1997 Divisional Playoff game where the Jags, lead by a feisty Mark Brunell and a husky Natrone Means, upset the Broncos in Denver. Could a similar upset be in the making come Sunday? Probably not. Broncos 24-23.
CINCINNATI (1-1) @ SEATTLE (1-1): Both teams are coming off embarrassment in Week 2, so both will be looking to "right the ship" as it were. If both teams play up to their preseason hype, this could turn into a good 'ol fashioned shootout. Both teams have looked rather ordinary thus far and something has got to give. Don't expect a defensive battle in this one, Bengals 31-27.
CLEVELAND (1-1) @ OAKLAND (0-2): Meaningless stat of the week: Last week the Browns scored more points than the Raiders have scored in 2 weeks combined! Made up stat of the week: 27% of Browns fans think Derek Anderson could be the next Bernie Kosar, 33% think he's the next Vinny Testaverde, and 42% think he's the next Tim Couch. You do the math. Browns 31-23.
CAROLINA (1-1) @ ATLANTA (0-2): Well the good news for Bobby Petrino is, that when the whole Vick debacle went down it lowered the expectations for the coach and his team. I think a "Thank You" cake with a file in it is in order, am I right? You know, cause Vick is in jail and in the olden time movies they'd send food with a file in it to prisoners, so they could file their way out? No? But who's more now: Joey Harrington or Jake Delhomme? Haha, and we're back! Panthers 28-13.
NY GIANTS (0-2) @ WASHINGTON (2-0): I don't know what could possibly make me pick the Giants in this one? There is not one single thing, I am telling you the God's honest truth! That's right the 'Skins will somehow be 3-0. Redskins 13-7.
DALLAS (2-0) @ CHIGAGO (1-1): Oh thank God the Cowboys are on in primetime. It's been a whole two weeks since their last Sunday nighter. good golly, that's bad scheduling. In the first 5 weeks the Cowboys, Giants, Bears, Patriots, Eagles and Bengals will be on in primetime twice already! Okay we get it, you want good games to draw an audience, but let me hit you with some knowledge TV, football fans will sit in front of you and watch the game on Sunday and Monday nights, because it's there. I, for one, barely even know what's going on in the games, to tell you the truth. Mix up a little is all I'm asking. Okay, well that should get the job done. Oh yeah, the game, um Cowboys 17-9.
TENNESSEE (1-1) @ NEW ORLEANS (0-2): Now, this is a Monday night game! No really, that's when they're playing it. The Titans have looked good, the Saints have not. This one is easy though, cause we'll just use the good ol' transitive property. The Colts beat the Saints 41-10. The Colts beat the Titans 22-20. So therefore the Titans should win by a score of 24-13. But I am going to toss the transitive property asunder and pick the Saints to win 21-20. HA! Take that transitive property!
Oh and since we're bit light in the cheesy pictures department, enjoy this:
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