WEEK FOUR: OH KITNA, YOU DEVIL

JETS @ BILLS: Is it just me or are the Bills dropping like flies? I mean it's like ridiculous day down at the deli, where prices were so low they were ridiculous. This week will be Trent Edwards' coming out party. No, he's not gay, not that there's anything wrong with that, I just think he'll show the Jets what for. Plus, he has the perfect name to run for office after a brilliant NFL career, am I right. Vote Trent Edwards for comptroller. It just rolls off the tongue, don't it? Of course by me picking the Billsies I have more or less doomed them to be 0-4. Bills 21-17.

RAIDERS @ DOLPHINS: Er, Duante Culpepper's triumphant to return to Miami? It's not too often you get such a blockbuster matchup this early in the season. How will the Miami fans treat Duante upon his return? Or really, how many Dolphins fans don't know Dan Marino retired? Raiders 27-17.

RAVENS @ BROWNS: Ah yes, the Cleveland Bowl. Now this will be the true test for Derek Anderson. Is he for real? No one really knows? But I suspect he's not. Jamal Lewis will be the one to watch here. He'll either make the Ravens pay for cutting him loose, or the Browns pay for signing him. My money's on the latter or the former? Um, well I'd put money down that the Browns won't break 50 points in this division game. If they do, I need the odds on them making the playoffs and a plane ticket to Vegas. Ravens 13-12.

TEXANS @ FALCONS: I'm not all too sure why the Texans are favored buy less than three points in this one. Although they say you get three points just for playing at home, so I guess the Texans are favored by a just under six points. But doesn't that still seem low? Has anyone been watching Falcons games? Texans games? Sorry Falcons fans but Jesse Tuggle's not walking through that door. Texans 27-20.

BEARS @ LIONS: Okay so the Kitnas experienced a minor set back last week, but they will steady the course against a Bears team that has most likely underestimated Kitna's power and rugged good looks. Lions 21-20

PACKERS @ VIKINGS: I'm gonna go on out and make a bold prediction right here in Week 4: The Vikings will not win the NFC North. There I said it, what?! Packers 28-10.

RAMS @ COWBOYS: Seems not too long ago the Rams were an offensive juggernaut. Now they're an offensive disaster. Not too mention Stephen Jackson has been fairly unproductive. Sure last week he topped 100 yards, nearly tripling his production from the first two weeks, but he isn't getting in the end zone, and that 's what my fantasy team needs! C'mon! Oh yeah, um, Cowboys good, Rams not. Cowboys 31-21.

BUCCANEERS @ PANTHERS: Ah one of the biggest rivalry in sports is about to get renewed in Carolina in week four. I can't remember a bigger matchup between these two bloodthirsty rivals since that epic 1968 skirmish down in Tampa. But this is the year this heated rivalry returns to prominence. Army-Navy. Red Sox-Yankees. Duke-North Carolina. Phhht! They all take a back seat to the Bucs-Panthers. Panthers run right at Tampa's front seven and take this one 24-20.

SEAHAWKS @ 49ERS: I picked the Niners as a sleeper team this year, and since the 'Hawks and Rams appear to already be in a slumber, or stupor, I dunno, it seems very possible that the Niners can win the NFC West. This will be the big step here, knocking off the Seahawks. Niners 21-17.

STEELERS @ CARDINALS: And now it's time for storytime: Last week I attended a restaurant, well not so much a restaurant, as a bar, to watch several football games at once. It's glorious, believe me. Anyways, I say that to say this. For some reason, although I live in Central New York or the CNY, I am surrounded by a bevy of Steelers fans. Yes that may seem weird, it is to me, but that's not even the crux of the story folks. So there were maybe 10-15 Steelers fans huddled around a large TV where the epic Steelers-Niners game was being aired. Now so far, nothing wrong, I could still enjoy my featured game with my buddy. But here's the thing, these Steelers fans were outright obnoxious. They would hoot and holler for every little thing. A three yard gain by the Niners and they'd erupt. First downs, batted passes, a wink from Mike Tomlin that maybe they thought was directed right at them, it didn't matter they'd erupt. I mean, if you were just listening you'd of thought the Steelers were up 72-3. But alas, no they were not. Now, I realize that there are fans out there from every team, somewhere that act this same way, okay maybe not the Jaguars, but on this day it was Steelers fans, so they get the rant. Now, I also know that this does not encompass every single Steelers fan on the face of God's green earth, but I would wager it accounts for 72-85% of them if I had to guess. But here's the best part of the story. The biggest annoyance was a loud chant after Steelers scores of "Here we go Steelers! Here we go! Here we go Steelers! Here we go!" Now the Niners drive down in what felt like the fourth quarter and scored what ended up being their final score of the day. So amidst the brief silence of Steelers fans, I ya know graciously and loudly start chanting, "HERE WE GO NINERS! HERE WE GO!" I'm sorry I'm a COCKSWAIN! Much to my surprise, despite a few dirty looks, the Steelers fans didn't seem all that agitated. More stunned really, than anything. But the laughter from every other person in there annoyed by their shenanigans, made my day. So needless to say, this week I'm headed out there with my Eric Swann jersey. Cardinals 23-17.

CHIEFS @ CHARGERS: Sometimes you should put personal, and personnel, differences behind you for the greater good, wouldn't you say A.J.? Last year under Marty Schottenheimer the Chargers lost 2, count 'em, two regular season games. Norv Turner comes in and says, "That's nothing, it won't even take me four weeks to lose two games." FYI the LT, aka Hooch, is ready to get about 300 yards of total offense by himself, while LJ continues to disappoint his fantasy owners. Good thing I took Stephen Jackson instead. Oh wait. Chargers 45-17.

BRONCOS @ COLTS: The Broncos may be one of the most overrated teams of the decade. What?! I said "may". But c'mon they continually garner preseason hype and nothing happens, except they win like 8-10 games and lose in the playoffs because they didn't try in Week 17, and their players were all out of sync. Well I really don't seem them beating the Colts, but will probably cover the spread, if that's any consolation to Broncos fans? Colts 28-21.

EAGLES @ GIANTS: I don't even know what to say. I flipped a coin and it landed Eagle side up (yes it was an older quarter.) so Eagles win 21-17.

PATRIOTS @ BENGALS: Let's just say if the Browns can put up fifty plus points on the Bengals "D", Monday Night could get ugly fast. My prediction Matt Cassel will start the second half. Patriots 38-14.

And now you're cheese: