WEEK EIGHT: KITNA IN REAL LIFE

Phew! We're getting this one in just under the gun! Enough small talk, let's do this!

BROWNS @ RAMS: How could anyone pick the Rams? Honestly? I made them my upset special of the week last week and I was right, they did upset. Me, that is! Stupid Rams, maybe they should go as a football team for Halloween, cause it would be a big stretch for them! Brownies 27-13.

LIONS @ BEARS: The Lions are almost six point underdogs in this one, where's the love? Let's see the Bears have a worse record and really, let's be honest, pretty much all their wins have been pure luck, am I right? Viva la Kitna! Lions in the upset 21-20.

COLTS @ CAROLINA: I really thought the Jags "D" would've slowed the Colts down a bit, but nope, they allowed 29 points. The Panthers could make the playoffs this year. With Vinny "Ferrari" Testaverde at the helm, no less. A lot of teammates weren't even born when Vinny started in the NFL for crying out loud! Wait, where was I? Oh yeah the Panthers could make the playoffs, but probably not if they were in the AFC. Colts 31-17.

DOLPHINS VS. GIANTS @ LONDON, ENGLAND: If the Dolphins win this game, they may petition to play the rest of their home games in London. I'm all for sticking the Dolphins on another continent, even their fans, who are already incontinent. In fact move the whole state of Florida, I say. Giants 35-13.

RAIDERS @ TITANS: Only an idiot would honestly think the Raiders can win this one, which means they probably will win this one. Nah, Titans 21-17.

EAGLES @ VIKINGS: Philadelphiers want Andy Reid to resign and Donovan McNabb benched, so these two better get their acts together and quickly. Although we may be closing in on an Andy Reid press conference in which he states that it's harder to be a white head coach in the National Football League. Ooooh the controversy. Isn't he right though? I mean Art Shell, got rehired and made it through all of last season, and I'm not sure he was even conscious for most of it. If he was white, he'd a been gone in Week 8. Yeah, that's right "Bitterness" just git edgy! Or we're just being a horse's petoot? You be the judge! Eagles 10-7.

BILLS @ JETS: I am so sick of hearing about Trent Edwards this and Trent Edwards that. I mean the guy is everywhere! Oh wait, he's not? Well he should be, he's the next Tony Romo. For whatever that's worth? Bills 18-16.

TEXANS @ CHARGERS: The Texans window is officially closed. If they were in the NFC they'd be a playoff contender, but in th AFC it's just not the year. Plus the Chargers have had a chance to re-charge after a bye week, and a rested Turner and Hooch is like, um, something really good and dangerous? Chargers 31-20.

JAGUARS @ BUCCANEERS: If you're wondering why the Jags are underdogs, well, that would be because David Garrard is out and Quinn Gray is in. The only reason I'd ever heard of QG before Monday was because I did a franchise with the Jaguars in Madden '05 and he was my third stringer. I had to play him once, once and let's just say it might be time to see if Matty Jones remembers how to QB. Bucs 16-10.

SAINTS @ 49ERS: Ah, a classic old school NFC West showdown in Candlestick 3COM Monster Park. The Saints are rolling right now with a big 2 game winning streak, but looking at their schedule I only see them winning 8 games at the most. So the playoffs are outta the question, unless they really turn it on. Lucky for them the Niners offense is terrible, even with the return of Alex Smith. Saints 21-13.

REDSKINS @ PATRIOTS: It's sort of amazing that in this crazy "pc" world we live in that the Redskins name still lives on. But I digress. The 'Skins defense has not allowed more than 24 points in a game, but the Patriots are a whole 'nother animal altogether. This one has upset written all over it, but I'm sticking with what works and picking the Pats to win 31-17.

PACKERS @ BRONCOS: Weren't the Broncos just on in prime time, um, last week? All signs point to a ridiculous Brett Favre night. You know gunslingin' to and fro all the live long night. Which means either a lot of scoring or a lot of turnovers for the Pack. I'm picking the former. Or the latter? The scoring one. Packers 28-27.

And now your cheese, fried to perfection:

ANOTHER FALL CLASSIC

Well it is that time of year once again, the Series of the World is upon us. Now you probably will (if you haven't already) hear a lot of comparisons or breakdowns of the two combatants in this year's autumnal paradigm, but "Bitterness" has the only one you really need, right here! That's right kids, we will scientifically breakdown this match-up by what really matters. So strap yourselves in and prepare to be dazzled!

(Now although they are the Colorado Rockies, and not the Denver Rockies, they play in Denver, so most references will be to Denver)

CITY NICKNAME:
Denver is often called the "Mile High City" in reference to it's elevation above sea level, and in no way in reference to people who join the "Mile High Club". Of course the "Mile High Club" is something completely different. Now if the only inhabitants of the "Mile High City" were indeed in the "Mile High Club" they'd be on to something magical and slightly icky. But don't worry, I'm sure Travis Henry is doing his part out there to increase the numbers of the "Mile High Club" as well as starting a couple of new clubs down on the ground.

Now on the other side you have Boston, aka "Beantown". Now who doesn't love some good 'ol fashioned baked beans. I mean they are delicious and nutrious, what more could you want, really? Granted, maybe some wouldn't want their city to be nicknamed for the "magical fruit", that, well, "the more you eat, the more you toot?" Plus, wouldn't you rather be nearer sea level eating some beans, than gasping for breath a mile above it?

Advantage: Boston

BEST KNOWN FOR:
DENVER: I'd have to go with mountains and the Broncos on this one. I have a general disdain for the Broncos, while mountains, I guess, are alright, but we wouldn't want to climb one or even ski one for that matter, I mean what am I Bode Miller for crying out loud?!

BOSTON: Chowdah, beans, bitterness and some tea party.

Advantage: Boston

WORLD SERIES APPEARANCES:
COLORADO: 0

BOSTON: Several

Advantage: Boston

MAYOR:
DENVER: John Hickenlooper. Now, the awesomeness of his name aside, it's also noteworthy that Mr. Hickenlooper was one of the founders of the "Wynkoop Brewing Company" microbrewery, and that's alright by us and possibly by these guys.

BOSTON: Thomas Menino. Sure Menino is the first Italian-American Mayor of Beantown, but he is more known for his distinctive voice, that has the slightest bit of drunken lisp to it. He is also pretty well known for misusing words, like when he called former mayor John Collins, "a man of great statue." Or one of my personal favorites, when referring to the city's parking shortage as an "Alcatraz around his neck."

Advantage: Push

POSSIBLE LOCAL TALENT THAT COULD SING THE NATIONAL ANTHEM BUT MORE THAN LIKELY WON'T:
DENVER: Earth, Wind and Fire. That's right lead singer Philip Bailey is a Denverite and if he could get as much of that ensemble as possible to belt out the "Star Spangled Banner" for one, if not all, of the games in Denver, that would be top notch! Even if it were just Earth and Fire, sans Wind, we think they'd do alright. I mean, if that happened that could be the "shining star" of the whole series.

BOSTON:
Sure you could easily use Aerosmith or reunite NKOTB or even see if Mark Wahlberg isn't too big for his britches and would rap out the anthem, but let's face it, those are way too obvious and they've been done. No, we want a real killer of an act to wail underneath the Stars and Stripes, that's right a band as extreme as say, Extreme? Plus we know that our National Anthem should be "more than words" to all of us, especially this day and age.

Advantage: Colorado

POSSIBLE CELEB SIGHTINGS:
DENVER: Well you may or may not know that, the grunting Tool Man himself, Tim Allen was born in Denver. Yes it's true! However his family moved to Michigan when he was 13 and he has been a Detroit fan ever since, so I guess there was really no great reason for bringing that up. Well, how 'bout we make it up with Jan-Michael Vincent. That's right, THE Jan-Michael Vincent, star of Airwolf! And I think we all know you don't mess with JMV. We can just see it now, instead of that tired Blue Angel stuff, in comes Airwolf smack down in the Coors Field outfield, and when the doors open, "Could it be?" "It can't be!" 'But it is, it's Stringfellow Hawke and fellow Denverian Karl Rove!" If only.

BOSTON: At Fenway you could see any number of celebrity Sawx fans from Ben Affleck to Stephen King to Dane Cook to Denis Leary to The Commish, Michael Chiklis, maybe even a drunken Kennedy or John Kerry, who knows? We'd really like to see Leonard Nimoy in the stands though, am I right?

Advantage: Pretty Close but the edge goes to Boston

So it's pretty easy to see why Boston will win the World Series in 5 games.

WEEK SEVEN: ROMANCING THE KITNA?

Here are your week seven picks:

CARDINALS @ REDSKINS: The 'Skins defense has looked solid, I guess? I say "I guess" because I haven't actually seen them play anyone games, but statistically they've looked solid. Add that with the fact one more quarterback injury in 'Zona means Neil Lomax is getting the call, carry the one and you get a Washington victory 24-12.

FALCONS @ SAINTS: N'awlins actually showed signs of life in week six. Sure it was against the ever inconsistent Seahawks, but nevertheless. Now see this would've been a good Monday or Sunday nighter, when looking at the schedule last February, now, not so much. Well if the Saints can carry some momentum from last week they should roll. Although they'll have to do it against the mighty Byron Leftwich. Hmm, I'm still seeing a Saints victory 21-14.

RAVENS @ BILLS: The biggest question this week, was not who would start at QB for the Bills, but rather, would Willis McGahee be able to scare up enough tickets for all his babies' mamas? Bills 21-20.

VIKINGS @ COWBOYS: Considering Kevin Faulk seemed to run with ease against the 'Boys, imagine what Adrian Petersen can do. Too bad for the Vikes, the Cowboys offense is just a shade better than the Bears'. Cowboys 27-14.

PATRIOTS @ DOLPHINS: This could be the upset of the season. It won't be, but sometimes it's fun to imagine things like that. Patriots 38-9

49ers @ GIANTS: If this were the late 80s, this would be the matchup of the week. But there's no Tom Rathman or Phil McConkey involved in this one folks. Doesn't mean it won't be a good game. Trent Dilfer starting at QB means it won't be a good game. Giants 31-10.

BUCCANEERS @ LIONS: A well rested Kitna? That spells trouble for everyone involved, right there. Made up insider note: The Bucs are trying to lure Eric Rhett out of retirement to backup Michael Bennett. But that's only after James Wilder stopped returning there calls. I say they go after Touchdown Tommy Vardell. Am I right or am I right? Lions 17-16.

TITANS @ TEXANS: The Texans seem to be fading a bit and will be without Andre Johnson once again, so that can't help their cause. But, Vince Young may not start for the Titans, so who knows what's gonna happen? Just the government probably, since they actually had this game played months ago in an underground sound stage in New Mexico. Just kidding. Or am I? Titans 21-17.

CHIEFS @ RAIDERS: The Chiefs have really turned this season around, and believe it or not , are in first place in the AFC West. Plus they may have Priest Holmes back in action. While this one just screams Raiders victory, I'm thinking the Chiefs take it 17-13.

JETS @ BENGALS: A couple of teams with high preseason expectations, that have just not panned out. Well somebody's gotta win, so why not the Jets 28-24?

BEARS @ EAGLES: If this were last season this might draw some interest from football fans outside of Philly and Chi-town. But it's not. And it doesn't. So who exactly is ready to step up and turn their season around? The Eagles, I guess? Eagles 24-14.

RAMS @ SEAHAWKS: Here's my "upset especiale" of the week. With the 'Hawks being the definition of inconsistency, and Marc Bulger probable it's time for the Rams to explode, just you watch. Rams 27-21.

STEELERS @ BRONCOS: Dangit all, I don't own a Broncos jersey! And with good reason, seeing as I hate them. But at least the Broncs are faltering, and fading off into the distance. Steelers on the other hand, are one of the most overrated teams around. Well maybe they aren't. The point is how would we know if they were bad? None of the teams they've played so far are even over .500, so who knows? And the fact is, the only reason one of those teams they've played will make the playoffs is because someone has to win the NFC West. Anyways Steelers 21-10.

COLTS @ JAGUARS: This one should be a dandy! Possibly the best Monday nighter of the season. Yes even better than last Monday's Falcons-Giants skirmish. The Colts are rested though, so I think they'll be able to scrape together a win. Colts 21-20.

And of course, your cheese:

WEEK SIX: DESPERATELY SEEKING KITNA

BENGALS @ CHIEFS: I'm still unsure as to how the heck the Chiefs put such a whoopin' on the Chargers in Week Four? The Bengals, meanwhile, are coming off their best defensive effort of the season. Sure it was a bye week, but you take what you can get. Bengals 27-17.

TEXANS @ JAGUARS: The AFC South looks to be the best and or toughest division in football so far this season, with the Texans occupying the basement at 3-2. Now the Texans beat the Jags twice last year with David Carr at the helm, which says a lot. With the defenses being prominent it'll be which QB makes the least amount of mistakes and my money is on Matty "Stump the" Schaub. Texans 13-12.

DOLPHINS @ BROWNS: Seems like it was not too long ago the Brownies were the laughing stock and the Dolphins were the mediocre team. Well the times they are a changin', as the Dolphins have been relegated to a punchline and the Browns have launched themselves up to mediocrity! Browns 21-10.

VIKINGS @ BEARS: Lovie Smith has to be tired of playing "Would you rather?" with his offense. As in, would you rather....start the turnover prone Rex Grossman or the slightly better than iffy Brian Griese? And to think Vinny Testaverde was just hanging around doing nothing. In any event, the Bears should be riding the momentum of their Sunday night win into this one, so look out Vikings. Bears 14-0

EAGLES @ JETS: I like to call this game the Disappointment Bowl, since both squads have been, well, disappointing. The Jets play has erased the Man-genius nickname from their doughy leader, while the Eagles have just been overmatched far too often. Not really sure what's gonna happen in the "City of Brotherly Love" come Sunday, so I went to the coin flip. Eagles 27-21.

RAMS @ RAVENS: Speaking of disappointments. The Ravens are not nearly as disappointing as the Rams have been, that's for darned sure! Remember when the Rams were an offensive juggernaut? What happened? Well, I don't know what happened, but I don't think it'll change anytime soon, with Gus Frerotte starting on Sunday. Of course I could be completely wrong and Gus could light up the Ravens "D" for 367 yards and three tds. Eh, not likely. Ravens 17-9.

TITANS @ BUCCANEERS: An oddly intriguing matchup down in the Bay of Tampa. Bottom line is the Titans are just plain better, I think. Don't get me wrong the addition of Zack Crockett should really spark Tampa's offense (note the sarcasm), but I'm gonna go ahead and pick the Titans 21- 17.

REDSKINS @ PACKERS: You gotta think the Packers have been seething all week after that Sunday night debacle, so look for Brett Favre too be the gunslinger that he is and show everyone how much he just loves the game. Man that was a long sentence. Packers 24-20.

PANTHERS @ CARDINALS: Kurt Warner vs. Vinny Testaverde? Is this an old-timers game? Actually this may be an upgrade for Carolina, the way David Carr's been playing, who knows? Not enough of an upgrade however, Cardinals 37-31.

PATRIOTS @ COWBOYS: After that Dolphins-Browns match-up, this is probably the game of the week in the NFL, let's be honest. T.O. will not even talk to the media until after the game on Sunday, so you know it is a big deal. Patriots 35-28.

RAIDERS @ CHARGERS: The Chargers look determined to get back in the thick of things in the AFC, which is bad news for the Raiders. Turner and Hooch should run wild in this one. Chargers 38-17.

SAINTS @ SEAHAWKS: The Saints once again look like the Aints. Could this be the week they turn it all around and head on an unprecedented run, overcoming this horrid start to make the playoffs? No. Seahawks 27-24

GIANTS @ FALCONS: The Giants defense is playing well, the Falcons offense is not. Ipso facto, Giants should roll 21-7.

And now your cheese:

WEEK FIVE: THE CHRONICLES OF KITNA

Well it's already week five, how the heck did that happen? Now I know our faithful readers (yes, I can use plural, there's at least seven) have plenty of questions to ask us. How are we doing with our picks compared to the Sports Guy and Peter King? Why have the most recent posts seemed to be lacking in quantity and quality? How is Pluto doing being a big nothing? What are our thoughts on the MLB Playoffs? Etcetera, etcetera. Well, believe us, when we say we have answers to all those questions and more, and you shall receive them shortly. It has been a trying time here at "Bitterness" in recent weeks. Okay, well that is actually a lie, but it sounds like something we should say. Anyways, due to some technical difficulties and time restraints we will have to give you the short, short version of our NFL picks this week. I know you may be heart broken, but rest assured in the next couple of weeks, we will once again be firing on all cylinders. So here you have the short, short version of our NFL picks for Week five:

PANTHERS @ SAINTS: It's a new month and a lot of teams are thankful for that. The Saints are one team in particular that are ecstatic to see September come to an end. The bye week should help a bit, plus David Carr could play for Carolina, so I'm taking the Saints 31-17.

JAGUARS @ CHIEFS: Not really sure how the Chiefs beat the Chargers, but I'm confident the Jags will squeak this one out 17-3.

LIONS @ REDSKINS: Meaningless stat of the week: Last week the Lions put up 34 points. IN THE FOURTH QUARTER! That's more than 22 teams scored in their entire games last week. Think about it. Bet on Kitna! Lions 31-30.

FALCONS @ TITANS: Should we believe JJ Harrington is making a resurgent push in Hotlanta? We here at "Bitterness" ain't buying. Titans 27-17.

DOLPHINS @ TEXANS: All of a sudden the Texans are on a two game losing streak and in last place in the AFC South. Luckily the Dolphins are working on being last place in the NFL. Texans 31-13.

SEAHAWKS @ STEELERS: Can the Steelers lose back-to-back games? Dare we dream? Well they are undefeated at the Ketchup Packet this year and the Seahwaks have been slightly disappointing, so no they won't lose back-to-back games. Steelers 21-17.

BROWNS @ PATRIOTS: Randy Moss is on pace for like 28 touchdowns, which is sort of ridiculous. Not as ridiculous as when he hauls in 5 today! Okay, that won't happen, but I wouldn't hold out for the Pats undefeated season to end here. Patriots 37-10.

CARDINALS @ RAMS: A struggling Rams team without Stephen Jackson, Isaac Bruce and I'm pretty sure Marc Bulger. Call me crazy but I don't think Tony Banks is leading a resurgence in St. Louis, Cardinals 21-14.

JETS @ GIANTS or GIANTS @ JETS: Does it really matter? So the endzones will have the Ginats name in them, and the tickets go to the Giants fans, but I think the Jets will have a pretty good handle on the nuances of the Swamplands. Right now the Giants are looking better, which is not saying a lot considering how the Jets are playing. Giants 13-3.

BUCCANEERS @ COLTS: The Bucs "D" has been pretty solid thus far and they are currently leading the worst division i football, but that's no reason to think they can beat the Colts people. Settle down. Colts 21-17.

CHARGERS @ BRONCOS: The Chargers are another team who's like to forget September, but the Broncos may not be any easy task. I say maybe, because it's hard to tell how good the Broncos are exactly. I'm saying the Chargers break out of their funk, cause, well, now's a good of time as any, right? Chargers 28-24.

RAVENS @ 49ERS: One of these teams will be below .500 after this one. Yes, we're predicting this won't end in a tie! You may think it's bad that the Ravens have only scored 79 points in four games, until you see the Niners have only scored 56 points. Ravens I guess 7-3.

BEARS @ PACKERS: A Packers win and the Bears will be four games back in the division after five games. Not a place you wanna be. Packers "D" will befuddle whoever is taking snaps for teh Bears. Packers 17-13.

COWBOYS @ BILLS: Maybe not as lopsided as you may think. I said maybe! Trent Edwards is ready for the bright lights and big stage. But is he starting? I should really look these things up. Cowboys 24-17.

Have fun, be safe, we're out!