Wednesday, October 24, 2007


Well it is that time of year once again, the Series of the World is upon us. Now you probably will (if you haven't already) hear a lot of comparisons or breakdowns of the two combatants in this year's autumnal paradigm, but "Bitterness" has the only one you really need, right here! That's right kids, we will scientifically breakdown this match-up by what really matters. So strap yourselves in and prepare to be dazzled!

(Now although they are the Colorado Rockies, and not the Denver Rockies, they play in Denver, so most references will be to Denver)

Denver is often called the "Mile High City" in reference to it's elevation above sea level, and in no way in reference to people who join the "Mile High Club". Of course the "Mile High Club" is something completely different. Now if the only inhabitants of the "Mile High City" were indeed in the "Mile High Club" they'd be on to something magical and slightly icky. But don't worry, I'm sure Travis Henry is doing his part out there to increase the numbers of the "Mile High Club" as well as starting a couple of new clubs down on the ground.

Now on the other side you have Boston, aka "Beantown". Now who doesn't love some good 'ol fashioned baked beans. I mean they are delicious and nutrious, what more could you want, really? Granted, maybe some wouldn't want their city to be nicknamed for the "magical fruit", that, well, "the more you eat, the more you toot?" Plus, wouldn't you rather be nearer sea level eating some beans, than gasping for breath a mile above it?

Advantage: Boston

DENVER: I'd have to go with mountains and the Broncos on this one. I have a general disdain for the Broncos, while mountains, I guess, are alright, but we wouldn't want to climb one or even ski one for that matter, I mean what am I Bode Miller for crying out loud?!

BOSTON: Chowdah, beans, bitterness and some tea party.

Advantage: Boston


BOSTON: Several

Advantage: Boston

DENVER: John Hickenlooper. Now, the awesomeness of his name aside, it's also noteworthy that Mr. Hickenlooper was one of the founders of the "Wynkoop Brewing Company" microbrewery, and that's alright by us and possibly by these guys.

BOSTON: Thomas Menino. Sure Menino is the first Italian-American Mayor of Beantown, but he is more known for his distinctive voice, that has the slightest bit of drunken lisp to it. He is also pretty well known for misusing words, like when he called former mayor John Collins, "a man of great statue." Or one of my personal favorites, when referring to the city's parking shortage as an "Alcatraz around his neck."

Advantage: Push

DENVER: Earth, Wind and Fire. That's right lead singer Philip Bailey is a Denverite and if he could get as much of that ensemble as possible to belt out the "Star Spangled Banner" for one, if not all, of the games in Denver, that would be top notch! Even if it were just Earth and Fire, sans Wind, we think they'd do alright. I mean, if that happened that could be the "shining star" of the whole series.

Sure you could easily use Aerosmith or reunite NKOTB or even see if Mark Wahlberg isn't too big for his britches and would rap out the anthem, but let's face it, those are way too obvious and they've been done. No, we want a real killer of an act to wail underneath the Stars and Stripes, that's right a band as extreme as say, Extreme? Plus we know that our National Anthem should be "more than words" to all of us, especially this day and age.

Advantage: Colorado

DENVER: Well you may or may not know that, the grunting Tool Man himself, Tim Allen was born in Denver. Yes it's true! However his family moved to Michigan when he was 13 and he has been a Detroit fan ever since, so I guess there was really no great reason for bringing that up. Well, how 'bout we make it up with Jan-Michael Vincent. That's right, THE Jan-Michael Vincent, star of Airwolf! And I think we all know you don't mess with JMV. We can just see it now, instead of that tired Blue Angel stuff, in comes Airwolf smack down in the Coors Field outfield, and when the doors open, "Could it be?" "It can't be!" 'But it is, it's Stringfellow Hawke and fellow Denverian Karl Rove!" If only.

BOSTON: At Fenway you could see any number of celebrity Sawx fans from Ben Affleck to Stephen King to Dane Cook to Denis Leary to The Commish, Michael Chiklis, maybe even a drunken Kennedy or John Kerry, who knows? We'd really like to see Leonard Nimoy in the stands though, am I right?

Advantage: Pretty Close but the edge goes to Boston

So it's pretty easy to see why Boston will win the World Series in 5 games.

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