WEEK 12: GIVING THANKS FOR KITNA-PART 2

It's been a busy weekend of giving thanks, drinking, eating and having some laughs, so today we're gonna see what some NFL teams are thankful for.

BRONCOS @ BEARS: The Broncos are thankful that no one in the AFC West seems all that good, giving their mediocre squad a fighting chance. While the Bears are thankful for Devin Hester, pretty much the most consistent thing they have goin'. Broncos 17-13.

TITANS @ BENGALS: The Titans are thankful for playing the Bengals, maybe providing their offense with some confidence. Meanwhile the Bengals are thankful for the Dolphins, for being so downright inept, that the Bengals ineptitude is slightly overshadowed. Titans 21-13.

BILLS @ JAGUARS: The Bills are thankful for wings. Yes wings! I know I'm thankful they exist, but they get to be where wings started for like half the year. The Jaguars remain thankful they cut Byron Leftwich loose. Sure time's still gonna tell on that one, but so far so good. Bills 7-6.

RAIDERS @ CHIEFS: Oakland has to be thankful for Shane Lechler. That's right their punter. Really there's not much else. Chiefs are thankful for the Chargers disappointing season, leaving them right in the thick of the AFC West hunt. Raiders 10-6.

TEXANS @ BROWNS: The Texans are thankful they are no longer a laughing stock, and are actually headed in the right direction. I think we all know what the Browns are thankful for, am I right? And no it's not Jamal Lewis. Yes, seems obvious, but the Browns have to be thankful for Derek Anderson, who could be the next "poor man's" Bernie Kosar. Browns 28-21.

SEAHAWKS @ RAMS: The 'Hawks are thankful for Maurice Morris? Mo-Mo has filled in admirably for Shaun Alexander, who has been, well, not good. The Rams are thankful for winning game. I'm not gonna lie it looked a bit dicey at times, but the Rammers actually showed some signs of life. Rams 22-19.

VIKINGS @ GIANTS: The Vikings are thankful for Adrian Petersen, duh? They are not,however, as thankful for his injury. The Giants are thankful for a very weak schedule that enables them to fool the media into thinking they are good. Giants 21-13.

SAINTS @ PANTHERS: The Saints are thankful for, um, their health? After Deuce, that is. The Panthers are thankful for the resurgence of Vinny Testaverde, who at age 64 has been a solid addition to this team. Saints 27-17.

REDSKINS @ BUCCANEERS: The 'Skins are thankful the politically correct world has not made them change their highly offensive to native Americans nickname. While the Bucs are thankful for their legitimate shot at the playoffs. 'Skins 24-20.

49ERS @ CARDINALS: The Niners are thankful for their dapper head coach, while the Cards are thankful to be over .500. Cards 24-9

RAVENS @ CHARGERS: The Ravens are thankful they have an offensive genius at the helm, making their offense something to be reckoned with. Meanwhile the Chargers are giving thanks for being able to have such a disappointing first half and still be in a very, very good position to make the 'offs. Bolts 21-3.

EAGLES @ PATRIOTS: The Eagles are thankful they play in the most peaceful, fun-loving and generally forgiving sports city in the whole wide world. The Patriots are thankful for technological advances that allow them to take cheating to a whole new level. Pats 56-17.

DOLPHINS @ STEELERS: The Dolphins are thankful they only have six weeks left. The Steelers on the other hand, are thankful for all 57 varieties Heinz has to offer. Steelers 27-13.

WEEK 12: GIVING THANKS FOR KITNA

Just gonna throw out the Turkey Day picks, with the rest to come in a couple days:

PACKERS @ LIONS: It's starting to look like the Lions may not be for real, but with Kitna in your corner anything can happen. Anything! But honestly I feel like the Packers are just bin a zone right now, and will prevail. They won't knock the stuffing out of the Lions, but should win by a score or two. Let's call it 28-20.

JETS @ COWBOYS: The Jets have not been as bad as their record indicates. Plus, you know Eric Mangini's gonna be mad that he can't have his turkey dinner with all the trimmings til late Thursday night, if that. He will use that anger in turn into pure, unadulterated motivation. He'll say something like, "Let's go out there and mash those Cowboys, like mama Mangini mashes her homemade potatoes! We're gonna candy their yams!" In my upset special, Jets win it 28-27.

COLTS @ FALCONS: This is hardly the dessert to a triple header of delicious Thanksgiving feast of football. It's more like the dish that no one, but like one person, likes and it just sits there on the table untouched as the potatoes and stuffing slowly disappear. Let's call it the waldorf salad of today's games. Colts 21-12.

Have a great Thanksgiving and enjoy your turkey, or tofurkey, if your a vegetarian or a vegan.

WEEK ELEVEN: HOW KITNA MET YOUR MOTHER

CHARGERS @ JAGUARS- The Jaguars will need to try and run all over that vaunted Chargers defense, Adrian Petersen style, if they want to be in this game, especially if David Garrard is not at QB. Hey nothing against QG personally, it's just they just can't win with the game in his hands against a hungry Chargers team. Chargers 28-17.

CHIEFS @ COLTS-Well Peyton Manning will get Dallas Clark back, but Marvin Harrison is still questionable. So that's leave Manning with three wide receivers to play with. That's not so good Al. Now granted they have lost there last two games, but not by much and to two fairly good squads. The Chiefs are like an omelet, with enigma ingredients and the egg being a riddle. Plus, you've got the beginning of the Brodie Croyle era in KC. The Colts will win, but covering the spread? I think not. Colts 21-17.

RAIDERS @ VIKINGS- No Adrian Petersen means no offense for the Vikes. It does mean more carries for Amp Lee though I think. The Raiders best offensive player is Shane "Hannibal" Lechler. Yes, their punter. He has put aside his feuds with several Raiders coaches and is kicking the bahjeezus out of the ball. Now I am no fan of JaMarcus Russell and his money grubbing ways, but if you're gonna pay him, why not play him? Are the silver and black afraid he'll mess up their 2-7 season? I'm going with the Raiders because Duante Culpepper will have something to prove, if he plays. Raiders 17-14.

BROWNS @ RAVENS- The Browns very well could have and should have beat the Steelers last week, but they didn't, so it's time to put it behind them and dominate the Ravens. Hey Ray-Lew what happened to that defense of yours? The Ravens have only held two, count 'em two, teams under 20 points this year, and one was the 49ers, who are barely averaging double digits a game. They do have one thing going for them this week, with Steve McNair sidelined. Yep, it's the Kyle Boller-drome show. So, needless to say I'm taking the Brownies, and then I'm gonna drink some milk and pick the Browns 24-10.

BUCCANEERS @ FALCONS- Gotta love the NFC South, where every team has a chance to win the division. A Falcons win and they move to a game back in the division, for cryin' out loud! The Bucs looked like they were the feel good story of the year early on, but have lost two out of three, and are starting to hear footsteps behind them as the Saints, Panthers, and yes even the Falcons, are all of sudden breathing down their necks. Jeff Garcia and the Bucs are rested off the bye week, add to that Byron Leftwich's questionability due to injury and Joseph Harrington's questionablility due to talent and I gotta go with the Bucs 20-15.

CARDINALS @ BENGALS- The Cardinals are one of, well, all but like three teams, in the hunt for a playoff spot in the NFC, and their offense should be in for a good day against the Bengals. Because, well, why wouldn't they be? The Bengals have only held their opponent under 24 points twice. And to be fair, it was the Ravens both times. Look for a shootout, won by the Kingdom of the Mighty Cardinal 37-31.

DOLPHINS @ EAGLES- The Eagles look terrible, then they look like they're turning it around, then back to terrible, then they look solid. Pick a direction and go with it for pete's sake! The Eagles have not won back-to-back games this year, and no team in NFL history has ever made the playoffs without winning two games in a row during the regular season. Okay, that may not be true, but it sounds like it could be, right? Well, all the Eagles have to do is beat the Dolphins and they will have back-to-back wins for the first time this year, and then they head to Foxboro for a shot at three in a row. Well, let's take it a week at a time. Eagles 42-17.

SAINTS @ TEXANS- The Saints were the disappointment of the league through five weeks, but then out of nowhere they rattled off a four game winning streak and everyone was like, "Uh-oh here come the Saints!" Then they lose to the Rams. The Rams? Yes the Rams. The same Rams that went into that game winless. Now we don't know what to think, except that the Saints will be in the playoff hunt, because they're in the NFC South where it's anybody's game. The Texans were on the other end of the spectrum. A early season feel good story, that in the blink of an eye went horribly awry, with a three game losing streak. Unlike the Saints though, the Texans probably can't afford to lose this one if they want to stay in the playoff hunt. That won't help them win, I'm just saying. Saints 31-27.

PANTHERS @ PACKERS- Big game for the Panthers as they try and stay in the thick of the NFC playoff hunt, which of course just means having a team in the NFC. Meanwhile Packers fans are already lining up for playoff tickets. Just kidding, but they're not "Favre" off. You see what I did there? Packers 23-10.

LIONS @ GIANTS- This could be the highlight of the early games today. Both teams jockeying for playoff position. Everyone is all about the resurgence of the Giants, but I'm sticking to my, "Look who they've played" argument. The Giants six wins are against Washington (5-4), Philly (4-5), Jets (1-8), Atlanta (3-6), San Fran (2-7), and Miami (0-9). Are we supposed to be impressed? I'm not faulting the Giants, they have no say over their schedule, but why are the so-called "NFL experts" so high on them like they've done something impressive? Time for Kitna to take 'em down a peg. Lions 21-16.


STEELERS @ JETS- Ben Roethlisberger may have just been being held back by Bill "The Chin" Cowher. It's either that he is thriving on playing the dregs of the NFL. The Steelers have only had three games against teams over .500, three! And let's face it, first time around against the Browns barely counts, since it was the first game of the season, and Charlie "Seasoned" Frye was the QB. And while Seattle is over .500, it's mostly due to the fact that someone has to win those NFC West games. For all we know the Steelers could be the best team in football right now, but until they play an upper echelon team, like say, I dunno, the Patriots in Week 14, we can't be sure of their actual ability. None of that really matters this week though cause they're playing the Jets. Steelers 38-12.

REDSKINS @ COWBOYS- I'd make this my upset special of the week if I had absolutely any confidence in the Redskins, which I don't. So instead I foresee the Cowboys pushing their magic number for the NFC East title to 3. Cowboys 35-20.

RAMS @ NINERS- Hard to imagine why they didn't make this the Sunday night game. I can see the promos now, "If you like turnovers and punting you'll love Rams-Niners, tonight at eight pm eastern!" The Rams actually showed some signs of life last time out, which I predicted they would. Okay so I said they would do it a game earlier, but now you're just nitpicking. Meanwhile the Niners, my preseason sleeper pick, have still not woken up as they look to get to twenty points for the first time since Week one. I don't know about anyone else but I'm eyeing that week 15 matchup with the Bengals. Terrible offense versus a terrible defense? Something's gotta give, right? Rams 27-9.

BEARS @ SEAHAWKS- The bitter rematch of last year's NFC Divisional playoff game. That's all I got. Both teams have been disappointing this year, but just may be on level playing fields, so it could be close. I'm making this my coin flip game of Week 11. Hey look at that,Seahawks 16-10.

PATRIOTS @ BILLS- The Bills were dominant for like 55 minutes the last time they hosted a prime time game, but that was then and this is now. I'd give the Bills a better shot if Marshawn Lynch was playing, but with the "Lynch Mob" out of action, the Pats will be too much for the Billsies. Patriots 31-14.

TITANS @ BRONCOS- Is it just me or does it seem that when the Broncos play night games they're always at home? Maybe it's just me, weird? The Titans are somehow pretty good. I mean their defense is super, but VY and the offense are inconsistent at best. I think the Broncos "D" and the thin air will bother VY. Broncos 24-21.

Well there you have it, your week eleven picks, in just under the gun.
And now for your viewing pleasure, cheese:


Hope it's Gouda-nough!

WEEK 10: OF MICE AND KITNA

JAGUARS @ TITANS: This should be a good little match-up, but I think it'll come down to the QBs, and frankly, while I am no huge fan of VY, he is a bit better than QG. Titans 20-14.

BRONCOS @ CHIEFS: The Broncos have been pretty sorry in my opinion, while the Chiefs have been much better than I thought they would be. I'm not saying they're good, but they're at least better than average, and these days that's enough to beat the Broncos. Chiefs 27-21.

BILLS @ DOLPHINS: In case you haven't noticed, the Bills are 4-4 and are right in the thick of things in the AFC. The back of the schedule is not a piece of cake, mmmmm cake, but it's not quite as daunting as their first half. Plus it don't hurt that this is the first of two, count 'em two, games against the Dolphins. Bills 23-17.

BROWNS @ STEELERS: Okay sure the Steelers had their way with the Brownies, mmmmmm brownies, in Week one, but Cleveland has since won five of seven. One loss was against the Pats, the other a last second loss to the Raiders. So they've done alright. Now sure the 'Burgh looked impressive against the Ravens, but who hasn't, really? Even the Bengals beat the birds for crying out loud! And Derek Anderson is looking like a young Steve Bono out there, so that's why I'm making this my upset special of the week as the Browns take it 21-20.

RAMS @ SAINTS: This one should be as close as a wrestling match between Hulk Hogan and Sweetchuck from those Police Academy movies. Heck, I wouldn't even give Sweetchuck a sporting chance against Spackler. Wait what does that have to do with the game? Well, nothing, but it amused me. The Rams should have no business winning this one, what with Saints rolling and the Rams, well, being a calamity. Saints 37-21.

FALCONS @ PANTHERS: It would seem, on paper, that this would be an easy win for the 'Thers, but if you keep reading that paper, you quickly see that David Carr is out and Vinny Testaverdee is questionable. I know you, much like myself, have probably been curious as to who in the heck is actually behind David Carr on the depth chart. Well the answer is Matt Moore, who will be backed up by Drew Olson, fresh off the practice squad. Looks bad, but I know a few fans in New England who were all like, "Tom Who?" when Bledsoe went down, so.....I'm not saying either of these guys will be the next Tom Brady, but who knows? I'll still take the 'Thers 13-9.

EAGLES @ REDSKINS: The combined records of the teams the 'Skins have lost to is 22-3. Aside from a pounding of the Lions, they have pretty much scraped by in their wins. So who really has any idea if they are in fact any good? Well, they're good enough to beat the Eagles, of that I am like 43% sure. Redskins 17-13.

VIKINGS @ PACKERS: I'm not gonna look up stats, but I'm pretty sure Adrian Petersen rushed for more yards than just about every team in the National Football League last week with his 296 yards. It's safe to say he outran the Packers at the very least, since their DeShawn Wynn only had 203 yards. Oh sorry, that's misleading, Wynn has 203 yards on the season, to be the Packers leading rusher. But who needs a good running game when you've got a gunslinger under center just out there having some fun? Vikes 24-23.

BENGALS @ RAVENS: I was way to drunk for their first meeting to have drawn any meaningful sort of analysis from it. But judging by the way they've performed since, I have been able to ascertain two things: 1) I could care less about the outcome of this game and 2) both teams are utterly terrible. Although I am intrigued by the match-up of a terrible offense against a terrible defense, to see what happens. Something's gotta give, right? Ravens 27-22.

BEARS @ RAIDERS: Is it just me or did it take teams far too long to figure out they shouldn't kick the ball to Devin Hester? I mean take that away and the Bears have, well, nothing except the wrong Adrian Petersen. I'm picking the Raiders, that's right the Raiders, 21-17.

COWBOYS @ GIANTS: While we will surely be rooting for a tie, which is the only way neither team can win, it seems the Cowboys may have the edge here. Personally, I am not even remotely convinced the G-Men are for real. For one, there last five wins have come against the Eagles (3-5), Jets (1-8), Falcons (2-6) , 49ers (2-6) and Dolphins (0-8). Now obviously they could be for real, but they are 1-2 against teams with above .500 records, not really a shining endorsement for the wonder that is the Giants. I mean, they more than likely will make the playoffs, but that won't be saying much. Cowboys 27-17.

LIONS @ CARDINALS: I've been sayin' it! Haven't I been sayin it?! I've been sayin it! Kitna, Kitna, Kitna. Kitna is the man and he will lead the Lions to the promised land! Lions 31-21.

COLTS @ CHARGERS: Just when it looked like the Chargers were turning their season around, they ran into the mighty 2-5 Vikings. Huh? The Vikings? Meanwhile the Colts will be looking to end their one game losing streak and are probably pretty ticked at losing to the Pats, so I'm gonna go out on a limb and take the Colts over the Bolts 28-21.

49ERS @ SEAHAWKS: This should be a real humdinger of a Monday nighter. Note the sarcasm. There was a point in time when some people thought San Francisco would be decent and have some semblance of an offense. But the Niners took no time at all to put an end to those notions. The Seahawks aren't good, but on this night they'll be good enough. Hawks 23-9.

Can't forget the cheese:

WEEK 9: THE 3:10 TO KITNA

Ah yes Week 9 in the NFL is upon us which means after this week every team will be at least halfway through their season. Now it may seem like only two teams are playing this week, what with all the hype and hoop-la, but I mean c'mon it's a pretty epic match-up to say the least. Now, I'm not one to throw superlatives all over the place like say, I dunno, Tim Kurkjian (I'm not even gonna check if that is the correct spelling of his name.) but this match-up is week nine in the NFL. And it may in fact be the greatest Week 9 match-up of all-time, and I for one am ecstatic to have the Cardinals-Buccaneers rivalry renewed once again! Now on with the picks in what should be a very interesting Week 9:

REDSKINS @ JETS: The Jets are not likely to run up the score on the 'Skins. In fact they are, in my opinion, not likely to win at all against the 'Skins. So there! Skins get some pride back, but just a little with a 23-13 win.

PACKERS @ CHIEFS: It seems not too long ago I was poking fun at the Chiefs ineptitude and thought they'd be in the running for the worst team in the league. But lo and behold, it's Week 9 and the Chiefs are tied with the Chargers for first in the AFC West! Meanwhile over that other conference, you know the one that has teams playing for the right to lose in the Super Bowl, the Packers are rolling. And if you didn't watch Monday Night's game in Denver, here is the basic gist of things: Brett Favre is really having fun out there. He just loves to play the game, and he is indeed a gunslinger. On a lesser note, there are actually 10 other guys who play on offense with Favre at any given time, but I have no idea if they are having fun or not? Is it just a paycheck for them? That's what I need to know and now! Oh, I'm rambling. Um, Packers 28-24.

CARDINALS @ BUCCANEERS: What can I say that hasn't been said already throughout the week? I mean Buccaneers this, Cardinals that, gimme a break! Geez, I get it! Bucs 17-9.

PANTHERS @ TITANS: Testaverde is questionable, so are the Panthers chances in Nashville. I don't have anything else to say here really. Titans 13-10.

49ERS @ FALCONS: This is one of the coin flip games. Heads I pick the Niners, tails the Falcons. It's tails. Falcons win 21-10.

JAGUARS @ SAINTS: The Saints sure are having fun making people think they're gonna hop right back in to that NFC Playoff race. That may very well be true. In fact I guess they are in the playoff race since 3-4 is good for a game back in the NFC South. Whatever! Let's see how they handle that Jaguars defense first and then we'll talk. Jags 10-9.

BRONCOS @ LIONS: The Lions are 5-2, which is good for the 4th best record in the NFC. Hey, I can't say I didn't warn ya. Kitna is on fire, and somehow they own the Bears. Not literally that'd be weird. Sure Favre gets most of the pub, but is it just me or does Kitna look like he is having fun out there too? More fun for Kitna and the Lions, they win 24- 20.

RAMS @ BYE WEEK: Hmm, this seems like a trap game to me. I mean the odds are the Rams won't lose this week, but anything can happen in the NFL and if anyone could lose to the pushover Bye Week it's the Rams. The Bye Week's "D" is suspect, but can the Rams put up points on it? It's close but I'm picking the Rams to not lose in Week 9. Wish I could say the same for the Dolphins.

DOLPHINS @ BYE WEEK: Yup in my upset special of the week I am picking the Dolphins to lose in their bye week! Unprecedented some might say. But to that I just say, not being elected the leader of the free world has nothing to do with the price of beans. I mean how could a football team even run for precedent? It don't make sense! Okay, who's lost? Stat of the week that may or may not have been fabricated by yours truly: This is the first time in the history of the NFL, that in Week 9 two unbeatens meet, while two winless teams have a bye. Hey, it's not lying if you believe it to be true! Anywho, moving on.

BENGALS @ BILLS: Could it be? QB controversy in the Nickel City? Well whoever starts on Sunday should be able to push the crowd and the head honchos in his favor, since only one team has given up more points than the Bengals and that's the winless Rams. Even the Ravens managed to put up 20 points on them! Bills 24-14.

CHARGERS @ VIKINGS: The Chargers are looking like everyone expected them to look. While the Vikings are looking, well, like everyone expected them to look. Too bad for the Vikings. Chargers 27-10.

SEAHAWKS @ BROWNS: Derek Anderson is turning into quite the little quarterback over there in Cleveland. I mean he's no Peyton Manning, but he's at least Eli Manning, if not slightly better. Browns 21-17.

PATRIOTS @ COLTS: I really wish someone had told me this game was this week! C'mon! Now I'm scrambling to find some sort of news clipping or analysis on this match-up. I know the Bucs-Cards is the same week, but seriously hows about a little attention for these two little clubs that could? Actually surprising that only two games this week has a higher point spread than this one. Guess it's not that close. Um, let's see I guess Patriots 38-34.

TEXANS @ RAIDERS: The Texans are quickly fading from that fast start and have come back down to earth with a thud. Fortunately for them the Raiders aren't all that good. Texans 27-21.

COWBOYS @ EAGLES: The Eagles need this one, that's for sure! Okay well they'd probably have a chance even if they lose this one. But it'd be a slimmer chance that's for sure. I know I'm an idiot. I want the Eagles to win, but the fact remains the Cowboys are just plain better right now. Record and talent wise anyways. Cowboys 17-13.

RAVENS @ STEELERS: Yawn. What?! Oh right sorry. Um, Steelers overrated, Ravens offense is abysmal, something about Willis MacGahee's illegitimate kids, random joke at expense of starting quarterbacks, yada, yada, yada. Steelers 21-9.

And now for your cheese: