DRAUGHT TIME ONCE AGAIN!

It's time for the Second Annual "Bitterness is a Fish you Can Catch NFL Draught"! Now we're dealing mostly with NFL Players, so you won't find any Indianapolis Kolsch, Cleveland Lowen-Brown, Cinci-natty Bengal or a Green Bay Dacker.


Phil-sner McKonkey: Looks tame, but this is a pilsener with a "giant" taste.


Eric Hipple-sner: This "lion"-hearted brew is the pride of the menu, and if you're looking for a swig of a tasty pils, then make this your "mane" squeeze.

Ty Law-ger: This is our shut-down lager, so look out! Many have tried to fight the Law-ger, but the in the end the Law-ger wins.

Laverneus Kolsch: Golden and glorious, this "jet"-setting concoction is certainly a winner, that is well worth a try.

Flipper Amber-son: You're not gonna want to just go "ram"-ming this down your gullet. No, no, you savor every last drop of this one!

Jim Am-Burt: Not the classiest brew around, but it's robust and manages to get the job done.

Gayle Ale: A pale ale that is a "bear" on the taste buds, it does not disappoint. This will literally run all over you liver! Oh, wait, I guess, figuratively.

Irish Rhett: As red and full of alcohol as a drunken Irishman, which we realize may be redundant, this goes down deceptively smooth and easy.

Jumbo Ale-iott: The name says it all. Nothing small about this ale, whether it be taste, hops, or ABV, so look out. You've been warned!

VaI-P.A.: Otherwise known as the Sikahema special. Drink too many and you may get a bit Sik...ahema. This I.P.A. hits you harder than Vai ever hit a goal post after scoring a touchdown.


Joseph AddaI-P.A.: You'll be running wild in no time if you start drinking this beer in multiples. It's fourth and goal from the one and this is beer is gonna punch it in! I dunno what that meant really, but this is good, so drink it!


Jason Witte-en: Too many of these could, in fact, leave you at your "witte"s" end, so Cowboy up if you think you can handle it!


Jerry Ball-gian White: If you love Belgian beer, than you will certainly have a "ball" with this one.

Sapp-ricot Wheat: This one is more about hype, than actual taste, but it is still pretty darn good, my friends!


RayBerry Wheat: Fresh picked RayBerries, make this a splendid mix of fruit and beer.


Raheem Bock: This is the "bock" star of the menu right here! As thick and rich as Raheem himself, this one'll sack your taste buds like nobody's business.

Elvis Gr-Bock: You only need one word to describe this brew, and that word is...awesomeness personified!

Amp-erial Stout: This has as many good qualities as Amp Lee has NFL uniforms. Think about it!

Choc-Lett Stout: The name says it all. Big, dark and chocolated!

Ben Coates-meal Stout: As consistent and reliable as it's namesake, this one never disappoints!


SEASONALS:
Faulk-toberfest: A seasonal favorite offered in the fall, this one never fumbles!

Dat Nguyen-ter: As our winter seasonal thsi is perfect on a cold winter's night. Very few beers will warm you up like this!


Well that wraps up another "Bitterness is a Fish You Can Catch NFL Draught", hope you enjoyed!


If you're feeling nostalgic, here's the first ever "Bitterness is a Fish You Can Catch NFL Draught".

DRINK IT IN!

The NFL Draft is nearly upon us, which means it's time to role out the "Bitterness is a Fish You Can Catch" NFL Draft Drinking Game. The NFL Draft is by far the most watched draft of any major sport and garners many males to waste a Saturday sitting in front of the television set, watching video of college players and people stepping up to, and onto, a podium. It's a long day and really you're probably not gonna care about 97% of the picks. And that may even be a high number, but luckily we're here to liven things up for you. Now of course these are more or less just suggestions to get started, and you can sure as heck, add, or modify any of these to your own liking.

ONE SWIG:
--Anytime an announcer at the draft uses the word "upside". Usually this just means that they think very little of the player, but don't want he or his family to feel bad. Here's an example: "He's not very mobile and has a questionable arm, but this quarterback has a big upside!" There is no actual film or comments to back this statement up, it's just believed to be true, because someone on television said it.

--Everytime the team on the clock brings the clock down to under a minute before selecting.

--Anytime anyone thanks God. This may or may not happen a lot. God may also have bigger concerns than where Vernon Gholston goes.

--Separate the room into offense and defense. The offensive guys drink every time an offensive guy is drafted and, obviously, the defensive guys will drink for every defensive guy drafted.

--Whenever Chris Berman throws out a Bermanism or one of his "clever" nicknames like Jerod "Hold the" Mayo or Lima "How" Sweed "it is".

--Anytime they show the lame promo that will feature several of the projected first round picks, spinning footballs, and generally looking manly. Bonus drinks if they're shirtless, naturally.

-- Here's a fun one, similar to a power hour. Drink a shot, or sip of, beer, every minute your team is on the clock. It'll at least make the second round more interesting I feel.


TWO SWIGS:
-- Everytime they show you a war room or mention "the war room".

-- Anytime current NFL players speak during the event.

-- You could have everyone separately, or as a group, pick a collegiate conference and drink everytime someone from that conference is selected. Now just to weed out those who don't want to drink cause they have to be relatively sober when they go home to their families, make it conferences who have shots at getting players drafted. Or up the ante if they pick, say the Ivy League.

--Whenever they compare a draftee to a current or former NFL Player, like "Many think so-and-so is without a doubt the next Eric Hipple." "This kid's being touted as the next Jon Kitna." You know, stuff like that.

--Everytime a lineman is drafted. You could also up the ante and make it only offensive linemen, but then you'd probably have to up the drinkage as well.

--Any sort of combine footage.

--Anytime they mention a draft bust, like Akili Smith, David Klingler, or Ki-Jana Carter. Seriously, who was running those Bengals' drafts? A trained monkey smoking a cigarette?

-- Anytime consecutive picks play the same position.

--Anytime the announcing team all enjoy a little chuckle at something one of them said.

THREE-FOUR SWIGS:
--Anytime they flashback to a previous NFL Draft

--Anytime the announcers, especially Mel Kiper, are surprised by a selection.

--Anytime the player gets up to go to the podium and their suit or attire, generates an honest to God, "Damn" or a "Whoa!" from the room you are in. This will tend to happen with a what is commonly referred to as a "pimp" suit. Anything technicolor, finish 'em up!

--Anytime a player is drafted who has two capital letters in his first name, like JaMarcus or LaRon.

--Anytime a pick happens and you don't see it, because the announcers are still talking and they have to then catch you up on what you missed.

----When it gets towards the end of the first round and they start showing that last poor soul in the green room, wondering where and when he will get drafted (See Brady Quinn), You can do a couple things here, like drink everytime they show him, or, drink for every pick (from when he becomes the last player in attendance) that goes by until he is selected.

HALF A DRINK:
-Anytime someone from your local school or area is drafted. You could switch this up and have everyone in the room drink when someone from their alma mater is drafted, if this can carry the game. If you happen to be in a room of dudes, with an alma mater that didn't even sport a football squad, this may not work as well. Mix it up, make it your own.

-- Everytime the crowd boos.

--Anytime a trade takes place.

--Any first round pick who is not in attendance to go up to the podium

-- Anytime Berman says something that honestly makes you laugh, because it's funny and not because he's an idiot. This may not happen.

WHOLE DRINK:
--Everytime a placekicker or punter is selected. This, you may need to carry over into the second day, but who knows.

--The person announcing the picks (Goodell maybe?) badly mispronounces a name.

--Anytime "gunslinger" or "riverboat gambler" is uttered by the announcing team.

--Anytime the clock expires and someone loses a pick.

-- Anytime someone is drafted from a school that is not Division I-A.

-- And of course anytime they mention Shockey.

There you have it, plenty of stuff to get you started, but remember drink responsibly and get those cats spayed and neutered.

THE FINAL FORK

Yes it is now time to launch a new food endeavor. That's right in honor of March Madness we are giving you a delicious menu of college hoops dishes for your enjoyment.

STARTERS:
CHICKEN PENDERS: Golden fried and delicious, fresh from our Providence "deep" Friar (we call it Austin Croshere) served with fries, coleslaw, pickle and choice of honey mustard or barbecue sauce. And if your really daring, go ahead and get the buffalo version, it will not disappoint, unless you're disappointed in awesomeness! Truly a dish worthy of the good old coach.

LEON POWE-TATO SKINS: This dish is as skilled and loaded as it's namesake. The skins of California potatoes, topped with sour cream, chives, bacon bits and packed with flavor. But be ready cause this one can be a real "bear" on the ol' stomach.

THAD MATTA-RELLA STIX: Cheesy and delicious, these golden sticks of fried cheese are absolutely glorious. And of course it comes with some Gerry McNamara-nara sauce for dipping, to make this starter complete.

JUWAN-TON SOUP: A lovely drop of flavor from the orient to get you started, especially if you want to try to create a Fab Five Course meal.

LOADED CHANNING CHEESE FRYES: That's right these bad boys are as loaded with toppings as their namesake is loaded with talent, so recognize! Cheese, bacon bits, chives, scallions, and ranch or sour cream on the side, this "app" will certainly get you in the eating "Zona"!

THE COACH K-SADILLA: Our light an fluffy tortillas filled with cheese, tomato, sour cream and chicken or steak if your daring. This is an old staple here at the Final Fork, but may be starting to grow old and overrated with some of our patrons.

BILL CURLEY FRIES: C'mon? Like you didn't see this one coming?

ENTREES
CHICKEN MARS-ALA ABDELNABY: Savory chicken topped with a lovely marsala wine sauce, that is absolutely to die for! "Double A" would be proud to have his name on this favorite from the old country. Or, well, an old country anyway. This entree could certainly "duke"it out with any other selection on the menu.

VEAL CHILCUTT-LET: Thin and grissly, just like the great Pete Chilcutt. Served with a nice mix of greens, it is arguably the classiest dish on the menu. I said arguably!

JASON TERRY-AKI CHICKEN: The best word to describe this is, "yum"! The chicken is cooked to perfection in our very own terryaki sauce, giving you a taste that will stay with you long after you've finished. Wonderful.

RANDY "PEKING" DUCK: We use only the plumpest, most succulent looking ducks we can find to make this the best around. And don't worry we don't go stingy on the Hoisin sauce!

BIBBY BACK RIBS: Ribs seared to perfection and absolutely smothered in our Eddie House barbecue sauce. Falling right off the bone, you will be in absolute hog heaven enjoying this one! Just make sure you have plenty of napkins handy. Or perhaps a "bib-by"?

CRISPIN FRIED CHICKEN: Two pieces of golden fried chicken, served with Jamal Mash-burned potatoes, a veggie mix and corn bread, this will certainly take the "Nittany Lion's" share of the work to finish.

PASTA:
LARON PROFIT-UCCINI ALFREDO: Fettuccine noodles lightly tossed in our alfredo sauce that is as rich and smooth as Laron himself. There's no doubt that with a dish like this we are sure to turn a "profit".

RIGA-TONY DELK: Rigatoni just like your mom used to make, once you dig in you'll be pulling a Jesse Katzapolis,"Have Mercer, er mercy."

SCOONIE PENNE: Penne and our special tomato sauce with Michael Redd peppers piled seemingly as high as the guard himself. This is a big one, so make sure you keep your "Buckeye"on the prize if you want to finish it.

LOU ROE-TINI: Big and strong just like Lou, this will take you more than a minute, man. To finish that is. So be prepared cause this dish has a lot of "mass"!

DESSERTS:
CHEROKEE LIME PIE: Always a crowd pleaser, this is big chunk of deliciousness, just like Mr.Parks. Trust us when we say, you will not be disappointed.

ARTHUR "CHERRIES JUBI-" LEE: If you haven't had these cherries jubilees, than you haven't had cherries jubilee!

THE TODD "HOT FUDGE SUN"-DAY: You will go "hog wild" for this 3-scoop sundae. Topped with hot fudge, whipped cream, with sprinkles and a cherry on top, this is the perfect ending to any meal and sure to make your...day?

THE BLON-DEE: Maybe even a better finisher than it's namesake, former Illini guard
Dee Brown, this is sure to cap your dinner off with flair!

JAQUES-LATE LAYER CAKE: Named for former Jayhawk, Jaques Vaughn, this dessert is no poser, it's the real deal and must have for any Jaques-late lover out there!


Well that concludes the first ever Final Fork, hope you enjoyed. And if you didn't? Oh well. Enjoy the game!

ALUM-INATING VI

Okay, so by the time you read this, half these teams will no longer be dancing, but alas, they are still apart of the Sweet 16, and we must press on.

MIDWEST
DAVIDSON
Woodrow Wilson is one notable DU alum, as is Burger King CEO John Chidsey. Now I guess Chidsey could be a "whopper"of an alum, but we found one we liked more. The one and only Mary Verner. We know, not exactly a household name, but she is the mayor of Spokane, Washington, which is home to Gonzaga University, which Davidson beat in their first round game. Weird, right? No? Well that's about as interesting as the famous Wildcats get for now, deal with it!

WISCONSIN
There are certainly plenty of famous Badgers out there, to catch the eye, Like Charles Lindbergh and Apollo 13 astronaut Jim Lovell. The late Chris Farley is also Wisconsin alum, but they are not the best one available. You see the Madison campus was also home to one of the greatest double (triple if you count killer looks) threats of all-time. Yes, we are talking about singer/actor, Mr. Tom Wopat. Now for those unaware of Mr. Wopat's credentials, you may know him better as Luke Duke of the Dukes of Hazzard. Yeah, doesn't get much better than that folks! Yeeeeeeeee-haaaaaawwww!

VILLANOVA
Nova is another squad that has already been in our "Alum-inating" segment, causing us to dig for some fresh faces. Sure there is Stanford President, John L. Hennessy, and astronomer Edward Guinn, who discovered Neptune's ring system (who discovered the moons around Uranus, is not mentioned), thank god, are both smart 'Nova people, but we thought we could do better. And having already used Jim Croce in a previous year, we had to really look. And all we could find was 1994 Playboy Playmate and 2004 Penthouse Pet of the Year, Victoria Zdrok. Oh well.

KANSAS
Kansas has made somethings hard on us, being a constant Sweet 16 fixture, but luckily there are famous Jayhawks abound. Now last year Paul Rudd was our go to Jayhawk alum, but we couldn't use him two years in a row, now can we? That was a rhetorical question, people. So this year we are gonna let the public know that Don Johnson was also a Jayhawk. I'm sure the co-star of Miami Vice, is having Philip Michael Thomas over to watch the games this weekend, and perhaps get a little crazy and don some neon tees, and fine cut white sport coats. PMT's Oakwood College did not make the tourney.

STANFORD
Ah, Stanford the Harvard of the west. This was not an easy one, by any means. Especially when you consider that it was home to Vint Cerf, aka "The Father of the Internet". While that is impressive,considering you would not be reading this, if not for his innovative mind, unfortunately Vinty, was a professor and not an alum. But have no fear, thanks in part to VC's help,we used this "internet" to find out that both Fred and Ben Savage (Ben's TV mom on Boy Meets World attended Kansas) attended Stanford, and that's none to shabby for the Cardinal. But wait! That's right we have one that tops even a pair of Savages. Don't believe me? Um, hows about a little someone I like to call Danny Pintauro? That's right, John-a-tin Bower from Who's the Boss! That's a bullseye right there.

TEXAS
There are more than a few notable Horns out in the world, including Matthew McConaughey and Janis Joplin. But it also taught William R. Johnson the president, CEO and chairman of HJ Heinz. You can thank him for delivering us 57 varieties of awesome to the world each and every darn day! I'm sure he is relishing the 'Horns current run, and hopes they can cut the mustard and won't be playing too much "ketch-up".

MEMPHIS
Our loyal readers already know that designing woman, Dixie Carter is a Memphis alum. Of course she was also the wife of Mr. Drummond on Diff'rent Strokes. But, like I said, we've been there, done that. So this time around, we're gonna look at actor and former Senator Fred Thompson. You could know Fred from such cinematic classics as Die Hard 2, Days of Thunder, or Baby's Day Out. Yes Fred is a true acting genius and is probably ecstatic as hell that the Tigers are closing in on the FinalFour.

MICHIGAN STATE
And finally, the Spartans. Yes they have given us some good people like, Sam Raimi and Tom Sizemore, but we found someone even better! You guessed it, James Caan. I don't think we all know the resume here folks. He's no Robert Loggia, that's for damn sure, but he'll due. I'm sure James is hoping the Spartans "caan" win it all.

And that wraps up yet another year of "Alum-ination", hope you've enjoyed, and here's to a bunch of different teams next year! And for those who missed 'em,or just wanna read 'em again, here are your "Alum-inating" archives:

Alum-inating
Alum-inating II
Alum-nating III
Alum-inating IV

ALUM-INATING V

As has become a tradition here at "Bitterness", we will now look at some of the famous alums who may be celebrating their alma mater's run to the Sweet Sixteen. Let's kick it off with the West Region:

XAVIER:
There have been several Musketeers who have run for office, and some, like House of Representatives minority leader John Boehner, have even won those offices. But we here at "Bitterness" have never been big politicos and so of course our favorite former Musketeer would have to be Robert Romanus. Now for those of you who are not super cinema geeks, we will clarify. Robert is none other than the sleazy Mike Damone, from Fast Times at Ridgemont High. He also parlayed that role into a sweet part in Styx's rock opera music video for Kilroy was Here. Now while Romanus may be our top alum, we would be remiss to mention the next man on our list, Vice Chairman of Hershey Foods, Joseph Viviano. Oddly enough it's Mars, not Hershey, that produces the Three Musketeers bar. We're sure, however, that Viviano will be hoping that Xavier will "Rolo" over their opponents, perhaps putting up a "Whopper"of a "Skor".

WEST VIRGINIA
Now it's not the first time the Mountaineers have made the Sweet 16 since we began "Alum-inating", so our loyal readers already know that Mr. Furley, aka Don Knotts, is an alum, but let's dig even deeper. More than MIT President Charles M. "Sweater" Vest, The Assassin, Darryl Talley, or former National Champion Syracuse University football coach Floyd B."Ben" Schwartzwelder. No, no, we went even deeper, and came up with Michael James Zinn of Hallmark greetings cards. Yes,"MJ", as he's rarely called, helps people all over the world find cards for all occasions, whether for Grief, Sympathy, or Pet's Birthday, they have it all. And those Shoebox Greetings? Forget about it! The ultimate in humorous cards.

WESTERN KENTUCKY
Well there are a few notable Hilltoppers that caught our eyes, including Duncan Hines. Yes, THE, Duncan Hines. Notable writer and namesake for the Betty Crocker's arch nemesis bakery company, Duncan Hines. While WKU was also home to the Nappy Roots, that is not our top alum. Oh no, we have something much, much better. You see, the most celebrated alum would have to be the incomparable, David Schramm. You may know Mr. Schramm better, as Roy Biggins, owner and operator of Aeromass Airlines on the wildly popular NBC sitcom, Wings. There are not a lot of shows that we would even put in the same class as Wings, and naturally that makes Schramm our top Hilltopper alumnist.

UCLA
The Bruins are in the Sweet 16 for the third straight season, but luckily UCLA has produced many a famous alum, including Freaks and Geeks alum, James Franco and O.J. Simpson prosecutor Marcia Clark and defender Johnnie Cochran. O.J. of course attended rival USC. Interesting, no? But this year's most notable alum, is none other than the late Peter Tomarken, the host of the game show, Press Your Luck. Yes, Peter will be looking down upon his Bruins, hoping that they will see no whammies en route to a National Championship.

EAST REGION
WASHINGTON STATE
While the list of notable Cougars (nope, no attractive middle aged women on this list, sorry) does include Paul Allen, co-founder of Microsoft and owner of the Seattle Seahawks and Portland Trailblazers, he is not our go to alum here. You see, Washington State was also, at one time, home to one of the most brilliant minds of all time. That's right, Far Side cartoonist Gary Larson. Larson has been keeping us tickled with his delightful cartoons for over two decade, and for that we say thank you.

NORTH CAROLINA
The tar heels are another squad that is a frequenter of the "Alum-inating" series, so we need to keep delving deeper and deeper into the notable alumni. So this year we are gonna focus on some political alumni. Chapel Hill after all was was once home to former U.S. President James K. Polk, who of course was the namesake for Al Bundy's alma mater, Polk High on the television show, Married with Children. But that's not all! It also housed former Democratic Presidential candidate and Senator, John Edwards.

LOUISVILLE
Some famous Cardinals include Donald Elbert, who led the team of engineers that gave us AstroTurf. So for all those sufferers of Turf toe, here's who to blame. U of L also produced the co-founder of Long John Silvers, James Patterson. Yes, Patterson has helped folks nationwide satisfy their cravings for fast food fish and seafood, and that's a gift that keeps on giving all year round.

TENNESSEE
We'll get right to the "roots" of UT alumni, by letting you know that Alex Haley was a Volunteer. But Haley's not the only notable Volunteer author, oh no. Kurt Vonnegut also spent some time attending school in Knoxville. As did Desperate Housewives' James Denton. But, another interesting alum is Jeff Baxter. Who? Jeff Baxter. He is a Nike designer. One of the men responsible for some of the most ridiculous looking, overpriced "kicks" around. But hey, he is doing more for children than you. In our country we still don't give children the right to work at all, so there.

CHALLENGE EXTENDED

Welcome, welcome, welcome! It's that time folks! "The Bitterness is a Fish You Can Catch NCAA Mens Division I-A Basketball Tournament Challenge, sponsored by Diet Mr. Pibb (unofficially)" is back for the second year in a row! Do you think you have what it takes to out pick me?! Well now's the time to prove it! We welcome any and all comers! It's absolutely free! But what do I win, you may be asking yourself? Besides the pride that goes with having beaten the mastermind behind the wonder that is "Bitterness" you could also win a no expense paid trip to Newark, the murder capital of the northeast, a lifetime supply of several products no longer produced, such as OK Soda, some expired coupons, a mention here in "Bitterness", which is read regularly by almost ten people and the coop-do-grass a personally signed photo of me! A total prize package worth negative $18,379.81! So, in the words of Public Enemy, "bring the noise!"

Here's how you sign up:
Step 1) Go to yahoo.com
Step 2) Sign up or sign in for your free yahoo account
Step 3) Go to Tournament Pick 'em
Step 4) Go to"Join Private Group"
Step 5) Watch Carl Weathers in "Action Jackson"
Step 6) Make a sandwich, preferably pastrami
Step 6) Enter the number, 130792 in the space for the Group ID#
Step 7) Enter arcineaux as the password
Step 8) Name your brackets
Step 9) Make your picks
Step 10) Sit back and enjoy!

Steps 5 and 6 optional.

MAIL CALL

That's right folks, it's been almost a fortnight since our last post, and the mailbag overfloweth! We've got hookers, hook shots, fantasy baseball draft tips, movies and more! There's lots to get to, so enough of this rambling let's get right to it.

Michael B of New York, NY has politics on the mind, "Looks like you got outta the Empire State just in time. What are your thoughts on the whole Spitzer scandal?"

Well, let me first dissuade any rumors that Eliot was looking for a way out ever since "Bitterness" moved out of his fair state. Now sure it was a blow to the state when we packed up and headed eastish, but I'm sure the former "Gov" could've come up with a simpler exit strategy. My favorite part was the clever, and classy, headlines that ensued. "Ho No", "The Love-enor" and "Spitzer Hooked" were some of our favorites. Personally we were very shocked and disappointed in "Spitz", I mean seriously you're governor of one of the biggest states in the union, you can't get sex for free? Or at least cheaper? The only hooker you'll ever find us with is possibly TJ Hooker.

Gerry M. of parts unknown writes, "the college hoops posts have been a bit lacking. In fact they've been nonexistent. What gives? And what are your thoughts on the upcoming tourney?"

Okay sure, last year we became the first blog in history to breakdown every single D-I conference tourney, and that is impressive. But it was also very time consuming, and time is something we seem to have a lot less of this year, so ergo, less posts. Not only that but we have watched a lot fewer college hoops games this year, than, well, ever, so we are not as on point as usual. But don't you fret there will be previews of the brackets once they are released. For now I will tell you that the National Champion will either be North Carolina, or Duke, or Kansas, or UCLA, or Memphis, or Texas, or Georgetown, or Stanford, or Louisville, or Wisconsin, or Butler, or Siena. And that's a guarantee!

Bryce D. from Indiana wants to know, "is there anything better than the first weekend of the NCAA Tournament?"

No. Several things can come close to competing with the Big Dance, but really there is nothing better. Not even a White Shadow marathon. Although that would be about as close as you could get.

Kyle K. from Salt Lake City, UT writes, "seems like a down year for the mid-majors to me, although there are a few bright spots, is there gonna be a mid-major that shocks the world this year?"
Probably? I dunno. You see with the surge of mid-majors over the last decade or so, people are sort of desensitized to the mid-majors, especially with Bracketbusters going strong with the 47 games it throws out there. You see no one is gonna be as shocked when, say, a team like Winthrop wins its first round game as an 11 or 12 seed. As a hoops watcher, you should still root for the upset (and not your bracket!) and be ecstatic when it happens. Butler, I would say, has the best shot of any Mid-Major in the tourney, but they aren't gonna surprise many people, and because they've been hyped for sometime now, they are also in perfect shape to get bounced in the early rounds. Yes folks another bold prediction from "Bitterness": Butler may win or lose in the first couple of rounds. Book it!

Blake S. of Spokane, WA asks,"is Butler the new Gonzaga?"

What do you mean?! I guess in it's most basic form, yes, Butler is doing what Gonzaga has done, by breaking into the top 10 at times and being mentioned with the big guns of the college hoops world. And of course they are both the Bulldogs, although Gonzaga goes by Zags. And like I said the Bulldogs will probably go further and farther than any other mid-major this year, unless they don't. And you can take that to the bank!

Kent H of Minneapolis, MN is ready for baseball season, "Just a few weeks away from Opening Day, and was wondering if you had any fantasy advice?"
Well, as it happens I have already got one draft in the books, with at least two more in the future. And I have to say, in all honesty, this was probably the best draft I've ever had! Usually I'm somewhat disappointed with some wasted pick or reaching to get a Miguel Cairo or Geoff Blum. But not this time around. I stuck to my guns and did my thing. I didn't panic when catchers started flying off the board or when frontline starting pitchers began to go. No, I stayed the course and wound up with a very balanced squad that should be tough to beat. Now sure I know Miguel and several others will be a bit disappointed that they didn't make the cut this year, but it happens. The best advice I have is to have some sort of game plan in place and stick to it as best you can. It also doesn't hurt to have a contingency plan. And for those in my upcoming drafts reading this here are some guys you should scoop up early:

Jason Kendall: Sure he's actually gonna bat behind the pitcher and only hit like .190 last year, but that's got upside written all over it!

Rich Aurilia: He's still got a solid season in him, we know it. Plus he's in that potent Giants offense. Can you say Benji Molina?

Bobby Crosby: So, he didn't hit his weight last season? And sure, the A's have a weak offense around him, but I smell a breakout season.

Doug Mientkiewicz: Sure he won't hit for power or average, won't get on base, but when you need to boost your fantasy fielding percentage, he's your man!

Coco Crisp: Okay, I know he hasn't hit well in Boston, but he'll give you points in the ridiculous catch category, that's for sure! And what he lacks in statistics, he makes up for in "pluck"! Plus you'll need a solid #9 hitter, right?

Well that's all we got for today, but be on the lookout next week, cause the posts could be coming fast and furious!

And now, cheese:

TUESDAYS WITH MAURY

Time for a very special Wednesday edition of "Tuesdays with Maury" here at "Bitterness". In honor of March Madness we say, "Let the games begin!"



Don't know 'bout anyone else, but we just can't wait for Selection Sunday to see the "match"-ups.

TUESDAYS WITH MAURY

Well, first thing's first thing. We are in no way trying to infringe upon or steal anyone's creative ideas. I know a lot of people may think that we got this idea from the Veep, but this little gem has been a work in progress here at "Bitterness" for quite some time. If you don't belive me go ahead and ask this guy. Okay, so maybe you don't care what he thinks, but you can care about what he knows, that's for damned sure! So we encourage you to continue to regularly read "Tuesdays with Marty" and rest assured that we are in no way trying to compete with the Veep in any way, shape or form. We are just here to delight you, the reader. But that's enough rig-em-a-roll, on with the show. We now present to you "Tuesdays with Maury", and hopefully you won't think it's for the birds.




Thank you Maury,and everybody have fun tonight, Maury have Chung tonight.

And The Winner Is...

Ah yes, it is that time of year once again, where we here at "Bitterness" look to honor the film industry in all of it's glory. Yes the Academy Awards are but days away, but the The Police Academy Awards are here now for your viewing pleasure! A tribute to one of the great film series' of our time! So without further ado, we give to you our seven readers, the second semi-annual Police Academy Awards. So, on with the show!


Best Actor/ Actress in a Supporting Role:

















Lance Kinsey as " Lt. Proctor"- Police Academy 2-6
Kim Cattral - Police Academy
Tim Kazurinsky as "Carl Sweetchuk"- Police Academy 2-4
David Spade- Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol
Bobcat Goldthwait as "Zed"- Police Academy 2-4

And the winner is (bahm, bahm, bahm, bahhhhhhh!): Tim Kazurinsky as "Sweetchuk"

Best Actor in a Captain or Commandant Role:




















Art Metrano as "Comndt. Mauser"-Police Academy 3: Back in Training
G.W. Bailey as "Capt. Harris"- Police Academy 4-7
George Gaynes as "Comndt Eric Lassard"- Every Police Academy
Howard Hesseman as "Capt. Pete Lassard"-Police Academy 2: Their Fisrt Assignment


And the cop goes to the incomparable, the irreverent, the punky, the one and only George Gaynes as Cmndt. Eric Lassard

Best Actress in an officer role:






































Leslie Easterbrook as "Callahan"- Every Police Academy except Police Academy 2: Their First Assignment
Colleen Camp as "Mrs. Kirkland-Tackleberry"- Police Academy 2 and 4
Marion Ramsey as "Laverne Hooks"- Every Police Academy except for Mission to Moscow

And the COP winner is Marion Ramsey as "Laverne Hooks"

Best Actor in an officer role:





















Steve Guttenburg as "Carey Mahoney"- Police Academy 1-4
David Graf as "Tackleberry"- Every single Police Academy
Bubba Smith as "Moses Hightower"- Every Police Academy except for Mission to Moscow
Michael Winslow as "Larvell Jones"-Every Police Academy including the TV Series.


And the winner is, as if you didn't know, Steve Guttenburg as "Carey Mahoney"

Best Film:












Police Academy 2: Their First Assignment
Police Academy
Police Academy 3: Back in Training
Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol


And the COP goes to..............Police Academy 3: Back in Training!!


Lifetime Achievement Award:
This of course goes to the quintessential Police Academy Cadet. The man that of course changed America's, possibly the world's, perception of police academies and officers, while along the way teaching us all a little bit about ourselves. This award goes to someone who knows how to make a quick bait and switch with a captain's shampoo, the results of which would equal, in one word, "hilarity." Handsome. Witty. Charming. As "Carey Mahoney" Steve Guttenburg both entertained and educated. Woman want him and men want to be him. So without further ado, this years Lifetime Achievement COP goes to the legend that is Steve Guttenburg!

BACK IN BLACK

That's right folks it's Bud Black History Month here at "Bitterness"! A month to honor one of the great pitchers of our time. Now sure we have not done a lot with the first few weeks of Bud Black History Month, and for that we apologize. But we will look to rectify that right now!

Born Harry Ralston (hard to see why he went with a nickname, huh? Although HR Black would've been cool. He could've been H&R Black, even?), Black quickly went with "Bud" when many people would forget his real name. Other possible nicknames on the short list were "Pal", "Chum" and "Sport", but in the end it was "Bud" that won out. Black was born to Canadian parents in Southern California in the summer of 1957. Now we are not sure, but we believe his dad packed up and headed south of the border (the Canadian one that is) to avoid being drafted into the Royal Canadian Mounted Police right in the midst of the Canadian Civil War, shortly after the Battle of Manitoba. Of course Black would go on to do great things in the world of professional baseball, including, as I'm sure we all know, leading the American League in WHIP in 1984 and being the only starter with a losing record on the 1985 World Champion Kansas City Royals. And yes younguns, the Royals were actually good at one time. And speaking of time, we're all out of it. Thank you for joining us for yet another edition of Bud Black History Month. In the next edition of Bud Black History Month, Bud goes through puberty and works on a pretty killer mustache!

Happy Valentine's Day

MAIL TIME!

Alright kids, time to open up another mailbag. Lots to get to, but first and foremost, despite his most recent post, we'd like to wish our good pal billyball a Happy 30-something (not 9!) Birthday! May the Pacifico flow like wine! And now on to the bag!

SUPER BOWL:
Osi U. of New York, NJ asks, "Is it time now to give the Giants some love and respect? The punched the Pats right in their mouth and shocked the world! Give some props!"

Props? What am I Carrot Top? Who by the way is the buffest comedian in all the land. Okay, I will give it to the G-Men they did outplay the Patriots and shock me, and several others I'm sure. I'm still not sold on them or Eli though. I am happy for Syracuse alums David Tyree and Tom Coughlin . More Tyree than Coughlin though. Tyree has inserted himself into Super Bowl lore as part of a just ridonkulous play that really won the game for the Giants in my opinion. And true story, Tom Coughlin, played football at Syracuse University alongside my high school football coach. Now you know.

William S. of Syracuse, NY queries, "What happened to the Patriots out there? How does the best team and quarterback of all time, lose? Weren't they the best of all-time?! Hmmm, hmmm?"

Well, what they did, and I've found it the easiest way to lose, is to score less points than the other team. Works every time. No, but seriously, what happened is the Giants had a game plan and shoved it right down the Patriots' throats. But the odd thing was Beli-cheat uncharacteristically did not seem to adjust during the game. And what was with going for it on 4th and 13? C'mon! Really when it comes down to it, the Pats went old school for us longtime fans. Back to a time when a true Boston (and yes I realize the Pats don't play in Boston, but believe it or not, Boston is in New England) fan would be nervous throughout and have no doubt that their squad would blow it, more than likely, in heartbraking fashion (see Red Sox of '67, '76, '78, '86, and '03). It's good for some Boston "fans" though, because it stands to maybe, just maybe, take 'em down a peg and lower that false sense of superiority, if at least for a couple weeks. How 'bout them Celtics?!

Bud W of St. Luois, MO wants to know, "The game was good, I suppose, but how about them commercials? I personally was a bit disappointed. Did you have any favorites?"

Couldn't agree more. And I won't. I'll agree just the same. It seems to me that every year the advertisements that air during the big game get worse and worse. I mean there are still some funny ones out there, be they seem to appear less than the good old days. Even Anheuser-Busch, which has virtually unbearable product, but unlimited commercial funds, seemed not up to snuff. Like I said there were a few winners, like the screaming animals (that's always gold) and the Matt Hasselback, "That's when I knew I hadn't made it". The one with JT (Justin Timberlake for those who are confused) was alright. I didn't quite get it, but blows to a man's crotch are always good for a few laughs, especially if he used to be in a boy band, am I right? I did like the Barkley Fav Five ad and also the Planters ad where the homely woman used Planters peanuts as a perfume. Also the giant carrier pigeons were alright I suppose.

SUPER TUESDAY
Barack O. of the DC area inquires, "Did you vote and if so for who? Or are you one of those people who doesn't want anyone to know who they voted for?"

Well, I, of course, voted for Ralph Nader. I, for one, think he is overdue. I'm just kidding, I didn't vote. Alright, alright, settle down and let me explain, before you go all America on my ass. I didn't vote, because as you know, "Bitterness" recently moved and as a result was caught in a tough spot of not being able to get a New York absentee ballot, nor register in the Commonwealth. So there! But it seems that Ralphie did just fine without me. Actually I probably would've gone McCain because he speaks to the conservative nature of this blog. But as long as you brought it up, I don't understand why people are so afraid to tell others who they voted for. I mean, do you not stand by your candidate? What are you embarassed?! You hang your head high and tell the world when you vote for Dennis Kucinich! If anyone can make the moon the 51st state it's him!

SUPER ENTERTAINMENT:
I know you're not big on the Grammy's, but what about the Oscars? Have you even seen any nominated films?

Have I seen any nominated films? Hmm, that depends, was Wild Hogs nominated for anything? I do not get out to the movies as much as I used to, but have managed to see two of the five films nominated for best picture. I saw Michael Clayton and No Country For Old Men and enjoyed both. Out of those two I would pick No Country as the better film though. But what do I know, I'm still waiting for someone to drop Gung Ho special edition DVD on us. Although, I would almost guarantee Juno won't win Best Picture. I do want to see this and am sure it is awesome, but it feels a bit like this year's Little Miss Sunshine. Good, but without enough firepower to win the chocolate filled statue. Okay, one more Oscar related note: If I were Cate Blanchett, well, I'd be rich and famous for one. Oh, but besides that, I'd be like, "Hey let's just shoot enough for like eight Elizabeth movies and release one each year." That's like a guaranteed eight straight nominations right there! Am I right?

Byron B. from Newport Beach, CA has this, "Once again, the rumors of an Arrested Development movie are floating around, what are the odds of this happening and is it a good idea?"

No, it's not a good idea. It's a great idea! Mitch Hurwitz is awesome, Less than Perfect notwithstanding. I mean aside from Arrested, he also wrote for the Golden Girls, Empty Nest and Nurses. C'mon he's written for all the greats, Rue McClanaghan, Richard Dreyfus, David "Stop calling me Joe Isuzu" Leisure! The list goes on. I know, I know the fear is there's a chance this will ruin the original product. After all they pulled a Costanza and went out on a high note. At least with fans of the show that is. But there are those who feel the only way to go is down. But I say, it'll give us AD deprived fans some life again. Plus when the droves of hard core fans show up to see it, Fox will see how stupid it really is and probably begin production on Are You Smarter than a Redneck" the Movie. And I, for one, can't wait.

HOOPS AND HOCKEY:

Tony A. of Hingham, MA offers this up, "Has the move to Boston gotten any sort of hockey fever going inside you? The Bruins are playing pretty decent and the Beanpot has been in full swing, will we see any sort of hockey posts in the near future?

The Beanpot is exciting, I think. But I haven't paid much attention to it. I do know the final is possibly on Monday night? As far as the Bruins go, I have caught a few snippits here and there and am more interested in the NHL than I have been in the last ten years, probably. That's not saying a whole heck of a lot though. I may even watch their All-Star game. What? Oh, it already happened? Eh, oh well. Now just to be clear, I am no fair weather fan when it comes to anything. I just don't really follow that much hockey, but the Bruns always have been and always will be my squad in the NHL. Followed a close second by the Blackhawks and then, of course, by the Whalers and the Winnipeg Jets.

Richard V. of Clichetown, CT inquires, "When are we gonna get the March Madness stuff, baby?!"

Probably in March? You probably mean when am I gonna post about the NCAA Hoops scene? Well, it is in the offing, I think. As I am not 100% sure what, "in the offing" means? But I am looking to dive into the college hoops scene very soon. But hey, you know this is my busy time of year, cut me some slack! What if I helped ease your pain by letting you know, this year we are introducing the very first "Bitterness is a Fish You Can Catch Final Fork"? Intrigued? Good!

That about wraps the bag up for this week, but I'd like to end on sort of a somber note. This past week, my grandmother passed away. Now, truth be told, we really lost her a few years ago. You see old age wreaked some major havoc on her mind and she was unable to recognize or remember those she loved. This is not going to be a big long eugoogliy or anything, I just thought I'd share two quick stories.

You see my grandmother loved baseball, especially the Red Sox, and I still remember watching games with her all the time. Whether it was on her 13 inch black and white or at my house on the big color tv. You see, she would come and stay with me when my parents were away at conferences and conventions, when I was little. We watched many a Red Sox game together, but there is one that will always stick out in my mind. I was probably nine or ten at the time, and my parents were away, so my grandma was watching me, and the Sox. Now the specifics of the game are a little blurry. But I seem to recall the game being against the Angels on a Friday night. In this particular game the Red Sox balked in the winning run. Grandma and I looked at each other quizzically. Neither of us was entirely sure what, exactly, a balk was. Sure they showed replays and tried to explain, but for a little scamp and his grandmother, it was still hard to understand. So we went to sleep, not fully grasping how the Red Sox had managed to lose the game. Well, first thing in the morning, my grandma was on the horn (pre-internets) to my Uncle David, inquiring about this "balk" thing, knowing her grandson was deseparate for answers. Well Uncle David was not much mroe informed than the two of us, so we had to wait for my dad to return with the answers we were seeking. Now, to this day, I still can't really spot a balk, but every time I see one called I think of my grandma and that particular game, many years ago.

Okay the second story is not quite as long, but is much more chilling and absolutely true. I was informed of my grandmother's passing on Monday night. Tuesday I headed off to work at my retail job. I happened to be helping this mother and her daughters. After a bit of helping, I find out the two daughters' names are Emma and Paige. The hairs on my neck proceeded to stand on end. My late grandmother's name is Emma Paige. If I weren't right there, I wouldn't have believed it myself.

This post is dedicated to Emma Paige, 1921-2008