Tuesday, September 23, 2008


How exactly are they improved, you might ask? Um, well,let me think. Let's see, (inner monologue: don't tell them you didn't change anything, make something up. They're getting antsyyyy!) ummm, it no longer contains trans-fats? Plus we've added the Futile Fifteen! Alright moving on, here we go:

You'd think that anyone with Ronnie Brown on their team would be a lucky duck, right? Well, according to Kissing Suzy Kolber, about 75% of Brown owners, including yours truly, had him on the bench. And why wouldn't we? Not even Nostradamus would have predicted that little outburst! I also had Brian Griese on my bench, for those of you scoring at home.

The "Start Brady Quinn"movement continues to gather steam? Now, although we have long been a hater of BQ, we think now is the time to throw him to the wolves! I mean the next two weeks you've got Cincy and a bye week, sounds great! But let's check that schedule after the bye week shall we? The Brownies host the lowly Giants defense, then go to Washington and Jacksonville, host cupcakes Baltimore and Denver, then visit that weak defense in Buffalo. Gets a little better from there as they then host the Texans no-name defense, the Colts, then head to Tennessee to face that porous defense, come home to host the Iggles and their laid back, "let the game come to them" defense, and Cincy, then head to one of their favorite places to play, Heinz Field. I'd be surprised if Quinn was still upright by week 12. Is anyone else seeing how likely it is for the Browns to finish 3-13?

After watching the first three weeks of the NFL unfold, it doesn't seem that far fetched that the Patriots and Colts could miss the playoffs, or that the Bills could earn a first round bye. I also wouldn't be surprised if 7 wins was enough to win the NFC West.

Just a modest proposal, but how about calling Kevin Boss "The Big Boss Man"? If just to see a group of his fans dressed up like the former wrestler in the stands at Giants games. It may be hard to explain the baton and handcuffs to stadium security.

Is it just me or does the Football Night in America highlight show remind anyone of the baseball game in Naked Gun? You know, where they introduce the announcers of the game, and there's like 7 or 8 guys in the booth? My favorite part is where they show the bloopers before the game of the guy getting mauled by a jungle cat and Dick Enberg is in utter shock, while the announcer next to him (I wanna say Mel Allen) laughs uproariously. How about that? What a great flick!

When is ESPN gonna go full VH1 on us and have reality shows with has been, or never were, athletes? Maybe a Surreal Life-esque deal? Just thinking about cast possibilities makes me giggle. Imagine a second brother athlete SurrealLife? Let's see, we'll get Jeremy Giambi, Chris Gwynn, Dan McGwire, Brent Gretzky, whichever Barry brother (perhaps all three?), Gerald Wilkins (okay not 'Nique's brother, but I bet a lot of people thought he was.), Valeri Bure, Billy Ripken, possibly Danny Hurley and of course Ozzie Canseco is a must. Can't you just see Danny McGwire and Ozzie Canseco (who will immediately be dubbed OC or "Oz") being all chummy in the kitchen as they make their MegaMass drinks from GNC? The possibilities are limitless! But what I really want is for someone to somehow get OJ Simpson to mentor Ted Ginn, Jr.
for a show, just so it could be called Ginn and Juice.

THE FAYGO FUTILE FIFTEEN (Faygo in no way supports or endorses anything written herein)
15. Patriots:
It's hurts me to put them in here, but how can I leave them off? Ronnie Brown? RONNIE "FLIPPING" BROWN?! Everyone outside of Patriots nation shares a loud laugh at the crumbling of a dynasty.

14. Bears after the half: They have looked sharp early, but have blown double digit second half leads in each of the last tow games. The Rams and Chiefs wish they were that lucky.

13. Texans "D"- I had a hard time putting them in here, after Ike and all, but Kerry Collins scrambled for 30, count 'em 30, yards against them. There's no excuse for that! I can only imagine what David Garrard will do to them next week.

12. Yankee Stadium Farewell: Well, not the farewell per se, but rather the fact that its happening at all. At least they snubbed "The Rocket".

11. Chiefs QB:
It's said when Chiefs fans are wondering where their Gus Frerotte is.

10. Seahawks recieving corps: More cursed than the Chiefs QB slot? I mean Logan Payne? Courtney Taylor? Who are these guys?

9. Not ready for primetime Browns: With what may well be the toughest schedule down the stretch, Clevelanders might want to start seeing how the Cavs are looking.

8. JaMarcus Russell: He's completed 32 passes this season. Drew Brees does that in a game. And by comparison, on Sunday Brian Griese completed a little more than four times as many passes as Russell.

7. Matt Millen: Okay, seriously what kind of info is he blackmailing the Ford family with? Cause if has anything to do with them making crappy cars, that secret is already out of the bag.

6. Bengals Hurry-up?: Good job playing for a tie and then predictably losing in overtime. After the game Marvin Lewis should have said, "Hey, it's not always easy to get to 0-3!"

5. Herman Edwards: Is he even paying attention? During practice? The game? Any of it?

4. The "Show Me State": Looking ahead, there's a good chance that the state of Missouri will not have an NFL team win a game this season. If this happens, I say they play the Saturday before the Super Bowl at a neutral site for the #1 pick in April's draft.

3. Martin Grammatica: That must've be a long flight home. Do you think he still had his uniform on as he boarded the team charter?

2. Rams: Aside from, maybe, the Chiefs, is there a team they look like they can beat?

1. Lane Kiffin's job security: I wonder if its hard getting up for work each day, having everyone you work with and, well, everyone who follows the NFL, know you're gonna get fired?

"Is it possible for Tom Brady to win the MVP without playing a full game this year?"- Dan Patrick on Football Night in America

Although it may be a pretty crowded boat on Sunday night, it's good to see Patrick and Olbermann back together. They may be the best part of that show.

Jim Caple lists the 100 most important sports venues. And despite his disclaimer to preface it, there is still much room for debate. Sure I'm biased, but there's no way Camden Yards is #2 and Fenway doesn't crack the top ten.

How do you blog futility? Ask the Ramblin Fan or the Arrowhead Addict.

And we are out!

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