ROUNDOFFS: A DIP IN THE STREAM OF CONCIOUSNESS

Time for more Roundoffs, so pause your Dharma and Greg DVDs and dive right in!

Sunday Morning
Jordan Palmer (over the phone): Hey Dad guess who just moved ahead of your golden child Carson on the Bengal depth chart? That's right, me!

Ma Palmer: Oh my god!

Jordan: I know!

Pa Palmer: Wait, what happened to Carson?! Is he alive?! Has Marvin given up on the season?! Can you see him right now?!

Jordan: Dad, he's in the trainer's room he's fine.

Ma: My baby!

Pa: Jordan William Palmer, you tell me what in the sam hill is wrong with your brother right this instant!

Jordan: Oh for cryin out loud. He just bumped his elbow or something.

Pa: It must be serious if they're thinking of starting you.

Jordan: Well, I'm not exactly starting.

Ma: My babies!

Pa: Wait a minute I thought you were replacing him.

Jordan: No Dad, if you were listening, I just said I'm ahead of him on the depth chart.

Pa: So you still won't play?

Jordan: Well, there's always a chance. I mean Ryan could get hurt or not play well.

Pa: Ryan?! Who in the heck is Ryan?

Jordan: Ryan Fitzpatrick, dad. He's starting in place of Carson.

Pa: Oh, hohoho! That's rich! You're behind Ryan Fitzpatrick! He sounds like an American Idol contestant!

Jordan: What does that even mean?

Pa: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Jordan: I'm hanging up now.

Pa: Give my best to Ryan! AHAHAHAHAHA!

FOOTBALL FRENZY
Talk about a crazy week in the NFL! But seriously could we slow down the "Jets looked like a playoff team this Sunday" talk? I mean, regardless of what they've accomplished this deep into the season, let's remember the Cardinals are still the Cardinals, 'til proven otherwise. I'll grant you not just anyone can trounce the Lions. Wait. What? Oh apparently anyone can trounce the Lions. Let's remember that Kurt Warner, who is actually 67 years old, still torched the Jets for for approximately 700 yards. I know everyone in the media wants Favre to be a success, because that's what they do. But beating the Cards and Dolphins is still not much to brag about.

Bye, bye Scott Linehan. I'd say you made a valiant effort, but, well, did you? Last I checked benching your QB and causing a player uprising is not one of the better ways to get a contract extension. That and not winning of course.

Not gonna lie, I did a double take, when I checked some scores from work Sunday, and Oakland, St.Louis, and Kansas City all had good chances of winning. Of course only one did. Win that is.

Though I don't know how much time that KC "W" added to the Hermanator's coaching life expectancy in the "Show Me State".

Lane Kiffin is still the coach of the Raiders

A short list of possible Matt Millen replacements,that probably couldn't be any worse: Hugh Millen, that tub of expired sour cream in my fridge, an alarm clock, George W. Bush. Hey, if I owned the Lions, I'd offer "W" a job. The only worry is if he excepted.

And in the "better late than never department" congrats to Bruce Smith and Ben Coates who were entered into their respective teams Hall of Fames. And yes, I mean Coates with the Patriots! You take that Ravens talk out of here in talk about it nevermore!

BITTERNESS AT THE BAT
We did it! We captured a Fantasy Baseball title! How you may ask? Well it was one part speed (on the basepaths that is), 3 parts pitching, 7 parts moxie, and 87 parts chicken wings, that became the recipe for the Muffin Tops rise to glory! Top of the muffin to you!

I'm tired of Ozzie Guillen, anyone else? I say let's give Fred "The Man" Manrique a shot! Either that or Ron Hassey.

Its amazing how much more MVP hype Dustin Pedroia is getting, when many argue he's not even the MVP of his own team. That would be Kevin Youkilis by the way.

If there's a more over hyped stat than K-Rod's number of saves, I can't find it. Plus it may hurt Bobby Thigpen's chances of being a first ballot Hall of Famer. More on this to come.

Last season I picked the Cubs and Brewers to make the playoffs. I am soooo going to put money on the teams I picked this year for next year's World Series!

Shea it ain't so Mets! With all the media going to the closing down of the "House that Chambliss built", very few even noticed or cared that they were closing down Shea Stadium (the House That Kranepool Built?) as well. And over the past month the Mets showed us why.

How about we hold back all the praise for Joe Maddon. I think we are missing the bigger picture here. As the Devil Rays, Tampa Bay was down trodden to say the least, never eclipsing 70 wins. But they lose the devil, and BAM!, they're a division winner. It doesn't take Encyclopedia Brown to put two and two together here kids. If only the Mets could get rid of the devil in their bullpen. But enough about Luis Ayala. Hi-yo! What? Yeah, I know I already bashed the Mets, but after that September they deserve it. Plus, its just so easy. This is the last one I promise.

If the Twins manage to capture the AL Central, that means we get an all dome division series! Yes, the way baseball was meant to be played, under teflon! Plus it renews that storied Twins-Rays rivalry from the 50s.

Yeah about the only thing I don't like about the Rays being in the playoffs, is having to watch playoff games in that eye sore they play in.

Okay maybe just one more Mets dig. The Mets bullpen couldn't smooth a silk sheet, if they had a hot date with a, aaaaahhh! I lost my train of thought.

I'm happy for the Brewers, but I think a lot of people are forgetting that CC Sabathia is a rather large American. As opposed to a rather larger American Leaguer, which he used to be. I say that because he's thrown a lot of innings and that'll wear down even the scrawniest of pitchers. I'm just saying the continued starts on short rest could catch um with "hamhock" at some point.

WE'RE AS COLD AS ICE!
This is where I'd love to put some NHL notes in but I don't really have any yet. But this is the year I get into hockey! I mean it! GO NORDIQUES!

SUNDAY NIGHT
Jon Kitna (over the phone): You are go for Jon Kitna.

Jordan Palmer: Hey Jon, it's Jordan.

Kitna: Hey Jordan, what can Jon Kitna do for you?

Jordan: I dunno. Same old stuff. You know, family and whatnot?

Kitna: Jon Kitna knows how that goes. Did you try talking to the man upstairs?

Jordan: The offensive coordinator?

Kitna: No! The Lord and Savior. He's helped Jon Kitna get through a lot of tough times. If it weren't for Him Jon Kitna would have never finished his award winning chili.

Jordan: You do make good chili.

Kitna: You are darn right Jon Kitna makes a good chili!

Jordan: But I don't know if making chili will help me with this Carson thing.

Kitna: Well, murder's not the answer, that's for sure. Jon Kitna knows that. Maybe a pot roast.

Jordan: Huh?

Kitna: MAYBE A POT ROAST!

Jordan: No, no. The murder thing?

Kitna: You're on the Bengals aren't ya?

Jordan: Okay Jon, I'm gonna go now.

Kitna: Kitna hears that JC. Plus Jon Kitna's gotta tend to his casserole.

Jordan: Okay Jon. I may not call next week.

Kitna: Hey stick with Jon Kitna and you'll be outta "Heisman's" shadow in no time!

Jordan: That seems untrue, but thanks, and I really have to go now Jon.

Kitna: Kitna wants JC to keep it real.
(silence)
Kitna: Jordan?(silence) JC? (silence) He'll call back.

HITTING THE LINKS:
Jayson Stark's wraps up the MLB season that is still going on as I type.
Don Banks snaps at you!
Drink this!

Rest in peace Paul Newman, you will be missed.